Claw Plaque

Match 16: Amy's Parents vs. Fry's Parents

AMY'S PARENTS' WEAPON OF CHOICE: A nice husband with a reliable sperm count
FRY'S PARENTS' WEAPON OF CHOICE: Breakfast at Tiffany's record

The next Claw Plaque will be very special, so whatever you do, MAKE SURE you go to the bottom and read the rules, because there are special voting conditions this time. So, make sure to read! It's a very long explanation, but it's important, so stick with it!

And so it begins. The votes were close this week: four to three. Make sure to vote for next week's claw plaque extravaganza, which will make it in time for our first birthday [Say Argh!'s]. Anyway...


Two gongs today, because there are four people participating. The Wongs stand at the side, standing on their pile of money, glaring at the err... Frys, who are... Irish. This is going well. Yes.

'Those briefs that your son wears will ensure the sperm count is low, and therefore you will NEVER be grandparents! Ahahahahahahahaha!' Taunts Mrs Wong.

'What are you talking about? Our other child already made us a grandson, he was a famous astronaut, he discovered Mars. Anyway, aren't we supposed to have died, you know, hundreds of years ago?' And with that we usher Mrs Fry's awareness of continuity errors out of the stadium.

They've had enough of the talking, the parents want to fight! As the crowd watches on with hunger and ugliness, the Wongs and the Frys size each other up.

'Honey, it's like in football, you know, the one that has minimum involvement with the foot: American football! You've gotta beat 'em down quick, or you'll lose!' Mrs Fry nods. They go straight for the record and frisbee it at the Wongs. Them both being Cantonese midgets (the best kind of midgets), the record goes straight over them, bounces off the side of the arena, and continues to do so. The midgets and the Irish must now dodge the spinning Breakfast at Tiffany's record, as it flies around the old stone coliseum... on a lobster planet. As in real life, of course.

'They thought they could get their attack in early, did they? Well the Wongs won't be wavaged, er... ravaged by a record!' So, they bring out their rich prospective husband.

'Good husband, go and kill those redhead freaks!'

'I'm afraid t'would not be proper behaviour for an attached man to kill another ma'am. What WOULD be done with the mortgage?'

'Useless nice husband! You are useless in battle, why did we bring you along. You shuffle off and impregnate my daughter now, or no chicken feed!'

'Very well ma-am, I'll make it twins.'

So, as Good Husband™ walks off, he is suddenly decapitated by the flying record. His head flies off and knocks the Frys over. A blessing in disguise for them, as the rampaging disc flies right where they would have been seconds after, and it hits the wall. The part of the wall with all the loose bricks. You can guess what will happen now. THE BRICKS FALL ON THE FRYS, CRUSHING THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRASH! BANG! BANG! CRASH! DEAAAATH! GUTS! PUSS!

Good enough? The emperor comes down to award the Wongs. They didn't want a medal though, so he instead comes bearing their requested gift. 'Here's your damn baby! I had to fight some crazy old lady to outbid her on Ebay for it!'

So, everyone is happy, except the Frys, who are dead. But their beings will move to the next plane of existence, etc, etc. So, TECHNICALLY, they're happy.

The next Claw Plaque will be arriving on our anniversary (21st January) and it's going to be a very special one: it's going to be our FIRST three-way match! It's going to be the most overblown dramatic Claw Plaque you've ever seen, and its competitors aren't from the show either. Introducing the fighters of Claw Plaque, match 17:

GORT: A thousand-year-old sage, who enjoys spitting on peasants from high rooftops and watching The Weakest Link.

MAX: A shining image of perfection, who has worked non-stop for this site [Say Argh!] in the last few months and hasn't slacked off at all. He is too good for all of you.

SCOTTY: A skirt, err... KILT wearing Scotsman, who will let you hold his sporran if you vote for him. He enjoys walks along the beach and discussing the merits of haggis.

You MUST vote for one of us.

Now, let me explain how this special Claw Plaque will work, it will have three rounds, which go as follows:

ROUND ONE: Each of the three contestants will be placed in an atlasphere (like a hamster ball, but made of glass). These atlaspheres will be placed on a huge floating platform above a giant sea of lava; the platform tilts. The person with the least votes will die in this battle. The other two progress to the next round.

ROUND TWO: In this round the two remaining contestants are placed in the Antarctic, with two ravenous polar bears. These bears can be tamed, but ONLY if they are fed Slurm. There is ONE can of Slurm hidden somewhere, the person with the second least amount of votes finds the can and uses it to tame and control one of the bears, to kill the other person, etc, etc. This person moves onto the final round.

ROUND THREE: The final contestant is put to the ultimate challenge. I'm not telling you what it is. Let's call it The Gauntlet. You decide whether they win or lose.

How? I'll explain. THIS week, I want you to pick your winner from the voting form in the normal way, but I also want you to choose, in a newly designed separate field, 'win' or 'lose', which will indicate whether you want the guy you voted for to live or die in the FINAL round. Complicated? Yes. Win/lose will apply to the winner, whoever it is, even if it's not the person you voted for.

For instance, if I wanted Gort to beat the other two (Scotty and me), but I wanted him to die in round three (final round), my voting form would look like this:

Win/Lose - Lose
Vote - Gort.

If I wanted Scotty to beat the other two, but I wanted him to LIVE in the final round, my voting form would look like this:

Win/Lose - Win
Vote - Scotty.

Max is my name, so that's why I put it. I'll use Kryten for an example, for the people who don't understand. Kryten wants Scotty to win, but he wants him to die in the final round. Kryten would put:

Win/Lose - Lose
Vote - Scotty.

Well I've talked for long enough. So please, PLEASE vote for this one. On the voting form, of course!