Claw Plaque

Match 19: H.G Blob Vs Miss Universe

The Ultimate Blob Battle!!!

Hello there, and welcome to another exciting Claw Plaque. Yada yada yada...

The weapons of choice this week are:

1) Salt
2) Water
3) Attack Dogs
4) The World’s Greatest Insults Mark III
5) Your mother-in-law.

The Emperor has gotten all high tech this week, he's brought in some of the
Smartest scientists money (and buckets of fish) can buy.

Scientist 1: "It’s an AMD K6-2 450Mhz machine with Windows 98"

Scientist 2: "Guaranteed not to crash for at least 5 minutes."

Emperor: "Excellent, excellent! Start the weapon choosing thingy that looks like a duckling..."

Scientist 1 starts up the machine, immediately the thing's fans roars into action, making more noise than a car engine...

Emperor: "What the hell is that noise?"

Scientist 1: "It's the ultra-quiet fans in the machine, sir."

Emperor: "What? I can't hear you. Oh, never mind."

5 Minutes later, the computer has booted up at last.

Emperor: "That was so fast! Very impressive."

The computer starts processing information for both the fighters...

10%... 20%... 30%...

Scotty: "She canna take it, Captain! She's gonna blow!"

Emperor: "Who the hell is this?"

Both scientists shrug. However, Scotty gets beamed up and the processing continues.


Scientist 1: "What happened?"

Scientist 2: "It crashed..."

Scientist 1: "I told you that we should have used Windows ME."


The two scientists are taken to be executed. It’s their own fault for relying on Windows 98.

The Emperor is rather angry now; he has to find a new way to pick who chooses the weapons.

Crowd Guy 1: "Let’s play rock, paper, scissors."

Crowd Guy 2: "Paper crushes scissors, rock rips paper, and scissors break rock?"

Crowd Guy 1: "That’s the one!"

Scotty: "Weird alien version of rock, paper, scissors isn't it?"

Emperor: "Quiet you!! You're not supposed to talk... get writing the rest of this match! Pick better names next time, too!"

Scotty: "Pssh, Fine..."

The Emperor decides to use this game to do his work for him.

Emperor: "The winner of rock, paper, scissors will choose who picks weapons first."

Crowd Guy 1: "1... 2... 3..."

Crowd Guy 1 has rock and Crowd Guy 2 has sci... This is too boring to write, let's skip on to who won it!

Emperor: "You there..."

Crowd Guy 2: "Me, Sire?"

Emperor: "Yes, you. Pick who picks weapons first... NOW!"

Crowd Guy 2 looks at the contestants, who have fallen asleep waiting during this incredibly long section of writing just to pick the weapons.

Crowd Guy 2: "Let H.G Blob choose first."

H.G Blob wakes up...


Emperor: "Pick your weapon, H.G Something or other."

H.G Blob looks at the weapons, and chooses the "Worlds Greatest Insults Mark II".

Miss Universe, Who's also a blob creature, wakes up...

Emperor: "Choose your weapon, Miss Universe..."

Miss Universe just stands there in the middle of the arena looking stupid.

Emperor: "CHOOSE A WEAPON!!!!!!"

Miss Universe doesn't move

Emperor: "You don't get to pick a weapon then!"

To start the show, this time the Emperor has decided that he will just do this...

Emperor: "START THE BLOODY FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

H.G Blob stands where he is and begins reading the insults off of "Worlds Greatest Insults Mark II".

H.G Blob: "Yo momma's so fat that she’s fat."

This has no effect on Miss Universe

H.G Blob: "Yo so stupid that yo stupid? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??!"

H.G Blob looks at the back of the book, which says: "Warning, insults for children of Overreaction 9, the planet where everyone suffers from hysteria - age 3 to 10"

Miss Universe looks at her opponent, and stares at him...

H.G Blob: "What are you doing? Why are you looking at me?"

Miss Universe's relentless staring continues...

H.G Blob: "Stop that!"

Miss Universe is still staring at him.

H.G Blob begins to stare back...

Now both of them are staring at each other... how err... cool. Blob Shippers should appreciate this.

H.G Blob brings out some of the flowers he ate earlier. Miss Universe pulls a
Human out of herself and gives it to H.G Blob. Romanic stuff.

The Crowd is wondering what is going on now...

This love orgy continues between the two blobs...

Emperor: "This is a fight to the death, not a blind date..."

Cilla Black: "Hey there, chucks. We've got a lorra, lorra love going on here. Let's talk to the lovebirds. Mr Blob, you have three questions to ask Miss Universe, what are they to be?"

H.G Blob: "Who the hell are you?"

Cilla Black: "You're meant to ask Miss Universe that, your future date. I'm Cilla Black, everyone's favourite Scouser."

H.G Blob: "You're not one of the Beatles, are you? You better not be, I hate 'Yellow Submarine'!"

Cilla Black: "Nah, chuck, I'm not a Beatle, I'm a long lost lover from Liverpool and I'll do anything you'll.... arrrggghhhh!"

At that moment, H.G Blob and Miss Universe simultaneously pick up Cilla Black to eat her. They suck on her body, and find themselves, like that "Lady and the Tramp" scene, bumping into each other seductively. Cilla is ripped in two, and that's the end of that irritating Liverpudlian. However, the romance continues unabated.

The Crowd becomes restless, they start throwing chips at both of the blobs...

Crowd: "We want our money back."

The Crowd throws vinegar... and then salt.

The salt starts to melt the blobs. Highly effective, especially as it's getting H.G Blob into a fearsome rage, which is what our readers would want.

Unlucky for H.G Blob, his wife is also in the audience.

H.G Blobs Wife: "How dare you cheat on me...? I knew you were seeing other women!"

H.G Blob: "Honey... I didn't mean to."

H.G Blobs Wife: "I'm divorcing you!"

She starts throwing people from the audience. You'd think after the salt it couldn't get any worse.

Actually, it can get worse.

Fry: "Leela, why don't you love me?"

Leela: "But, Fry, I've been thinking about us lately: the way you treat me as special, the way you look out for me, the way you still cling to me despite what I've done to you. Fry, I love you, too!"

Fry: "What! You do? I don't believe it."

Leela: "Why don't you believe it? You're really someone special, Fry. Want a snog?"

Fry: "Boy, do I want a snog? Of course."

Both Fry and Leela edge nearer to kiss. They close their eyes, waiting for their lips to touch. They're expecting the electricity of love to knock them out.


Leela: "Fry... what's wrong? Where are you? I didn't eat garlic today."

H.G. Blob's Wife: "He's doing something useful for once! Come here, honey!"


It seems that our Shipper scene was interrupted by H.G. Blob's Wife's need to chuck things at her husband. Will those two PE lovers ever be allowed to hit it off!


Zapp: "Kif, I've finally found my worthiest adversary...

Kif: "Leela?"

Zapp: "No..."

Kif: "Who then?"

Zapp: "GodZilla. I will crush him like a giant lizard. Checkmate."

Kif: "Ugh... Sir, there is no such thing..."

Zapp: "Oh yeah? What’s that then?!"

GodZilla flies past the Nimbus towards the Claw Plaque stadium...

Kif: "Ugh."

Zapp: "Follow it. Set lasers on kill... not stun."

GodZilla heads towards the stadium. He then lands on H.G Blob and Miss Universe, jumping up and down on them while doing his trademark roar.

H.G Blob: "Arrrgh!!!"

Miss Universe: *squish*

Emperor: "About time, I was getting bored playing cards with Coco the Clown"

Coco the Clown: "Oh sure, blame me for everything. It's always the clown's fault. Want a custard pie?"

GodZilla: "ROARRRRR!!!!!!!!"

GodZilla burns half of the audience with his flame breath.

Crowd: "Let’s get out of here!!"

GodZilla burns the rest of the audience.

The Emperor always has an escape route, though: he jumps through a trap door. Unfortunately, it only leads to a hole about 6 foot deep. The Emperor lands on his head, GodZilla burns him to a crisp.

Zapp: "Send down a squadron of troops to deal with that thing"

Kif: "What?"

Zapp: "You heard me, don't question me!"

Kif: "Ugh!"

Just as GodZilla has totally burnt the whole stadium and destroyed it, the troops come down...

GodZilla roars and leaves the planet.

Zapp: "Alright, blast the stadium from orbit, take no prisoners!"

Kif: "But, sir... I don't..."

Zapp: "I've heard enough!"

He pulls the lever himself, which destroys all his own troops in the stadium as well as a lot of the stadium itself.

Kif: "Sir, he got away..."

Zapp: "Well, at least we did a good job, which is all that counts. In the game of chess, it's not how you win, but whether you've scored with the queen. Onward, follow that Lizard! We shall checkmate and be back in time for tea and crumpet!"

Kif: "Ugh."

Zoidberg enters the completely destroyed stadium.

Zoidberg: "Sorry I missed Claw Plaque, I was held up by... where is everybody?"

He sniffs salt, vinegar and chips.

Zoidberg: "Oh well, at least I get a free hot meal. Hooray, British cuisine's my favourite!"

He digs in...


GodZilla arrives home.

GodZilla: "Honey, I'm Home..."

Mrs GodZilla: "How was work honey?"

GodZilla: "Boring, I hardly got to kill anyone"

Mrs GodZilla: "Well, dear... sit down and have a cup of tea"

GodZilla sits down and starts sipping tea from an english cup.

GodZilla: "What's on TV?"

Mrs GodZilla: "Some show called Futurama."

GodZilla: "ROAARRR!!! Time to read a book."