Claw Plaque

Match 14: Leela vs. Fry

FRY'S WEAPON OF CHOICE: The skeleton of Ted Danson and his pickup book

Yes, after my three month absence from the site, I am back. How about that for overshadowing CGEF's relaunch, eh? What do you mean "no"?! Anyway, thanks for your votes. But also, no one sent ideas (not even Nick), so at the same time, I hope you are all seriously injured (and if you didn't vote at all, make that read, die). Anyway....

The emperor (now recovered from whatever physical injuries he may have had) rings the original gong, (now recovered from any damage it may have taken) and it makes the noise, GOOOOOONG (there was nothing wrong with the noise, so it didn't need to be fixed). Fry and Leela now circle the arena, eyeing each other up. Fry has been planning his winning strategy for weeks, part of which was memorising from a book he found mysteriously in the hands of Ted Danson's skeleton.

"Leela... I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies!" He then gulps at Leela's ice-cold stare. "Alright," talking to himself, "this book isn't working that well, it's making her angrier, not begging to lose and become my love slave. I'll try another line and see if that makes her swoon." He looked back at the cyclops, then declared, "If I had your body, I'd become a happy nudist." There was silence in the arena's stands, while Leela growled at him. Panicking, he discards the book into the arena's stands, causing a massive crustacean crush; they all wanted such golden pickup lines! Fry returned to the action, and gave Leela one of his pleading looks. "Errr... after this fight, can we go to the pictures, pleeeeaaaassse?"

Leela was having none of it. "Fry... after this fight, they'll be picking you off the floor with a shovel, a sponge and some disinfectant. Now, fight like a real man... you bastard!"

Fry shrugged and decided that it was time to fight like a man. Then he remembered that his parents were married. "Leela!" His anger grew intense... he had discarded the book that would get him another girl, one that would remember that his parents had gotten married! So, he's ready to rumble.

He picks off small parts of Ted Danson's skeleton and throws them at Leela, missing everytime, of course, JUST as he planned. This was to lull her into a false sense of security, so that she would be more vulnerable for the main part of the plan. Suddenly, Fry realised he hadn't got a main part yet, he had been too busy sketching himself throwing bits of Ted Danson at Leela to think of one. Well, that and his fantasies about Leela and himself, all badly sketched out, naturally! Fry gulps and runs into the corner to hide like a coward.

"Carla, if the folks down at Gary's Old Town Tavern don't go crazy over this Halloween prank, then I'll sell the bar to Rebecca and marry Diane," remarks the skeleton of Ted Danson.

"What?!" says Fry.

"Errr, nothing. I'm just a skeleton."

Leela smiles, she's had a plan, and squints with aggressive pleasure. She's ready to have Fry destroyed. She gets out what she smuggled into the arena: a bottle of barbecue sauce. "Oh, Fry... if you smear this love potion over your body, I'll give you something that you won't ever forget."

Fry looks around the corner, with a big smile over his face. "Really, eh? Ohhh... so it took a fight to get you all impulsive?"

Leela smiled seductively. "Yeah, kinda... now come and smear your body... I can't wait any longer, big boy!"

Fry saunters over and begins to smear himself with the "love potion", all over his puny body. Leela then heads over to the other end of the arena, and looks back, with a sinister smile edging over her face.

"Now you'll get a taste of your own medicine for what you did to those poor popplers."

Fry looked confused (partly because he now had the urge to eat himself with a salad and vinaigrette, partly because Leela's face didn't seem as welcoming as before, and partly because a full-scale riot had broken out in the stands; they were still fighting over that discarded book!) "What are you gonna do?"

Leela snickered - the bitch! "You'll see."

Then, suddenly from under her tank top she unleashed Nibbler! "Go, get 'im, boy!" she screamed. Nibbler (the bastard rat) smells the barbecue sauce and leaps towards Fry.

Thinking quickly, Fry (now, that's out of character!) removes a piece of Ted Danson's skeleton, smothers it in barbecue sauce from his body, and holds it forward, flinching. Nibbler leaps onto Fry's hand, his throat closing around the bone. Suddenly, he drops.

"What's wrong, Nibbler, is your cape too tight or something? GET FRY!" Leela is now impatient.

Doctor Zoidberg runs onto the arena. "This cat needs new batteries," he remarks, chewing his coat and walking away.

"What?" asks Leela.

"He's dead, he choked on the bone," explains Fry.

Leela cries, "Noooooo!" And you know, other stuff you say when your pet dies. There is much crying.

"I don't care about the match anymore, I can't go on without my bastard rat, err... I mean Nibbler!"

Fry then comes over and puts an arm around her, he's now seen his chance. "So... want to go back to my place to err... commiserate and junk?"

Leela, with a scowl, pushes Fry aside and takes out a cyanide pill, then swallows it. "Oh damn!" she shouts. "This means that Fry wins by def...." Then she dies.

So, Fry wins, but not really by doing anything. Oh well, what's new!

"I was in Loch Ness, you know," remarks the skeleton.

The emperor isn't impressed, he knows his crappy movies from his good ones. But, he does hand to Fry the Claw Plaque medal and a coupon for iced saltwater. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and harvest me some organs."

NEXT WEEK: (And I do mean week this time, rather than "quarter of year") Beck vs. Lucy Liu

That's right, it's battle of the guest stars who annoyingly dominate the episode. They both deserve to perish painfully, but which lucky self-promotor will go on to be famous another day?