Match 23: Emperor Vs Fry
The Emperor has challenged Fry to a battle, long has the Emperor watched others battle, long has he watched people die, long has he desired to kill Fry!
Now it is his chance, the Emperor has watched Fry’s battles closely, and has discovered (to his logic anyway) that Fry is the weakest opponent of them all.
Emperor: Where is my opponent, fools?!
Guard: He will be here shortly.
The Emperors choice of battle arena is odd even for a Crustacean, it sits on top a very large mountain, it is a castle so to speak, with lightning and thunder on Mountainia II, the Mountain planet.
Lightning strikes around the top of the mountain.
There is only one problem with all this; Fry is at the bottom of this particular mountain.
Leela: Why did I agree to let you come do this Fry? You were killed once or twice for god sake! It’s a good thing the processor keeps a backup of your D.N.A back home.
Fry: Leela, you’ll never understand men, when someone challenges you to a fight, you either run away or you stand up to them, Bender said if I ran away from a fight again he’d stop being my friend, so my hands are tied.
The scene pans out to a view of Fry, with his hands tied behind his back.
Leela: I think I should undo those ropes before I let you go up there.
Leela unties Fry; god knows why he was tied up in the first place, just one of life’s mysteries.
Scott: I’ll come with you.
Leela: Who the hell are you?
Scott: I’m the writer!
Fry: So, why are you coming with us?
Scott: I wouldn’t know, for fun I guess.
Fry: Fine, as long as you promise nothing bad will happen to me.
Scott: of course not
Scott’s eye’s shift left to right
The three of them start climbing up the incredibly large mountain…
Fry: Jeez! Doesn’t this mountain ever end?
Leela: We’ve only walked 10 feet!
The Dwarf, the Cyclops and the Idiot continue their journey up to fight some weirdo who upholds law on some lobster planet that will remain unnamed.
They walk up the main path that extends to roughly the 30% point to the top of the mountain.
5 mountain lions appear from behind a big rock…
Leela: I know what to do Fry
Fry and Leela grab Scott and throw him towards the lions.
Scott: wait wait, no you can’t do this! Arrrghhh!!!
The lions eat Scott and seem extremely well fed, so they lie down.
Leela: See Fry, lions only eat when their hungry, Fry?!
Fry walks over to the partially remains of Scott, and pick up a bit of meat and starts eating.
Leela: Fry you cannibal!
The lions aren’t pleased by this move, they get up and form attack position.
Fry: Oh no! Lions! Run!
Fry cowardly runs in the direction of the peak.
Leela sighs and runs with him, Lions pursue.
Now the Cyclops and the Idiot are 30% to the top, the lion's have got bored chasing so they lie down.
Fry: Why the hell does the Emperor want to fight up there?
Leela: He must want you to die before you get up there.
Fry: …or perhaps he wants me to die before we get up there
Leela: I just said that you dolt
Fry: oh yeah, whatever you say
The ‘party’ of two now come across a cave
Leela: Maybe we should go in there.
Just then, a lightning bolt strikes fry
Leela: Relax Fry; you’re wearing your protective body armour, lightning resistant.
Fry: It doesn’t protect my hair though does it? Look at it!
Fry’s hair now looks as it did when they flied into that electrical nebula when Bender was “jacking on” to electricity.
Leela: Enough of this lets go into this cave then we won’t get hurt my more lightning. Or better yet, I won’t get hurt!
Fry and Leela enter the cave, only to heard load disturbing music from what appears to be from a church organ.
???: Come forth my childdddreeenn
???: I said come forth
??? Steps forward with a megaphone
??? (With megaphone): I SAID COME FORTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
???: my name is Jack, the rapper.
Leela: Then why are you playing an organ?
Jack: I don’t have a choice, that’s the only musical instrument there is in this stupid cave.
Fry: so why don’t you leave?
Jack: Leave? And suffer this century’s new RAP style! Never!
Jack: Besides, I expected you to come, I got a fax from the emperor, and won’t you stay for DINNER?
Jack, the rapper, gives Fry and Leela a menu.
Leela: This says “YOU” on every page.
Jack: Of course! YOU’RE for dinner!
Fry gets out a pot of red paint from his pocket and chucks it at Jack
Jack: Ughh!! I'll get you for that!
Fry has already ran out of the cave, as well as Leela
Jack: Why? WHY? Why don’t I install a door?!
Leela: well that was a waste of time, and writing.
Fry: Let’s get going.
They venture up the mountain, and are now 70% of the way up.
Leela: All I can say is you better win this fight Fry after we’ve gone to all this trouble.
Fry: I will Leela!
Vultures stand on top of a rather large tree just a few feet from where Fry is standing
Leela: Aww, Fry! Look, vultures!
Fry: Their so cute!
Fry gets out his camera and takes a picture.
In the future, vultures are mans best friend, not dogs, well, when they are tame.
The vultures take flight and pick Fry and Leela up.
Leela: Typical, we come this far and we get eaten by mans best friend.
The vultures carry them to the top of the mountain, where a castle lies; the vultures release them inside the castle.
Fry: Where is everyone?
Leela: Look, smoking remains!
As was mentioned earlier, Lightning bolts strike around the castle, as the Emperor underestimated the Lightning, just like he underestimated the stupidity of hosting a fight inside a castle on top of a mountain.
Fry: Oh well, looks like I won.
Leela: Yeah, and you never had to fight anyone, well done.
Fry: That’s just how I like to win, the cowardly way.
That’s the end of it, tune in next week when we might actually have a fight.