Match 24: Fry VS Fry
Before we start this Claw Plaque, here is some back-story to it:
Farnsworth: Why won't this machine start...? I've followed all the instructions.
Cubert: *Snort* It's upside down, Dad...
Farnsworth: Oh my... you're right... how silly of me.
*a few hours later*
Farnsworth: Gather round everyone, I have a surprise for you... yes.
*Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg and the rest gather round to see*
Farnsworth reveals his new toy... A Dell computer...
Farnsworth: Isn't it marvelous?
Leela: Aren't Dell those computers ANYONE can build?
Farnsworth: Back in 2982, Dell became a do-it-yourself computer company... Now you must build it yourself using highly complicated instructions.
Bender: Why did you want us to come see this pathetic contraption?
Farnsworth: Oh... that reminds me... Now that you're all here, I want to reveal my new invention... Behold... the Toaster!
Fry: We already have one of those.
Farnsworth: No, this device creates copies of anything... even toasted bread...
Leela: So why call it a toaster then?
Farnsworth: It ’s simple... I'm senile!
Fry takes a closer look at Farnsworth ’s toaster with his eyes, of course!
Fry: Wow this thing is pretty neat... Hey, what does this button do?
Farnsworth: Hey... watch what you're doing, you moron!
Fry stupidly presses a button on the machine.
*Machine activates and a bright light blinding everyone appears*
Farnsworth: Oh well... looks like I ’ll need to replace another delivery boy.
Two Fry ’s come out of the machine.
Farnsworth: Oh that ’s right... it makes copies of everything... even idiots. I'll just call you Fry and you Fry Clone.
Fry Clone: But I ’m the original Fry!
Fry: No I am...
Farnsworth: I don't care.
Fry Clone: But...
Farnsworth: Shut up.
Leela: Pssh, two of them now.
Fry: Oh, BTW, CLONE, Leela is my girl.
Fry Clone: There's only one way to settle this... we'll ask Zoidberg.
Fry: Yes let's
Zoidberg: The answer is simple it is, Claw Plaque!
Bender: Why is that, crabby? Get it... You ’re a crab...
Zoidberg: Because I ’m the new emperor: I took over when the old emperor died.
Leela: Is it that sex thing again?
Zoidberg: *dejectedly* Yes...
Zoidberg: I know... I lost the love of my life *sobs* Edna! *sobs more* EDNA! *bawls* EDNA!
Everyone backs out of the room... then runs.
*On to Claw Plaque... once Zoidberg has gotten hold of himself*
Zoidberg: Well as you know, I am the emperor... and I have chosen our battle arena.
Fry: What battle arena?
Zoidberg: Oh yeah, eBuyer still haven ’t delivered it yet. Instead all I ’ve got is these cardboard walls... But what ’s the problem? You still have ZOIDBERG!!!
Fry Clone: So what about the weapons?
Zoidberg: eBuyer haven ’t delivered them yet.
Fry: You better stop ordering from them.
Zoidberg: Did I mention I own eBuyer?
Bender : That explains a lot. For a start... they didn’t have anything good to steal when I went over to their HQ.
Bender : Oh right, I mean cardboard box.
Fry : Enough of this, let's fight!
Zoidberg: Very well, you may use these sharp pointy sticks and this pot of red paint as your weapons.
Zoidberg : ROUND ONEEEEEE! FIIIGGHHTTTT!
Leela : This isn’t Mortal Kombat you know.
Fry Clone : COME ‘ERE!!!
*Fry Clone pulls that pose that Scorpion uses in Mortal Kombat to grab someone*
Fry : Hey, you stole my move.
Fry runs towards his clone to give him a good head-butting.
Fry Clone : Oh yeah?
Fry Clone splashes Fry with the pot of red paint.
Fry smashes into the clone and gets paint all over him too.
Leela : Hmm! This is kind of hot! Two guys with paint all over them!
Bender : You have weird tastes, girl.
Bender pulls out a McChicken sandwich and begins smoking it like a cigar.
Fry : You’ll pay for that! This shirt cost me 50 cents!
Fry attacks Clone with his weapon of choice, the pointy stick.
He puts it straight through his Clone's arm and into one of the cardboard walls.
Fry Clone : Arghh!! Searing pain! That does it... time to call in my secret weapon.
Just that moment, Elvis shows up!
Elvis : Blue suede sho... *ARGHHH!!!!!*
Fry stabs Elvis through the heart with the sharp stick.
Elvis: Elvis has left the building...
Elvis drops dead... again, or is abducted again, whatever your view.
Fry Clone : I really should have picked the stick...
Fry : Damn right! You won’t win Leela now!
Leela : I don’t want either of you... I want both! mmm!!!
Bender : Settle down, girl... you don’t want to get the Shippers excited.
You can hear a crowd of people in the distance shouting “ TAKE OFF YOUR TOP ” in Leela ’ s direction.
Leela : Um err... I mean, I wouldn’t want either of you if you were the last men in this universe.
Fry : Just die already!!!
Fry ’ s Clone is running around avoiding Fry ’ s highly effective stick.
Fry Clone : That does it...
He runs towards Fry and snaps the stick in half, taking one half.
The two now start doing one of those Crouching Tiger moments with the two sword masters...
*whack whack whack* they both miss each other every time.
Scott [The Writer] : Oh just get on with it already.
Fry and Fry ’ s Clone run up and stab Scott in the head...
Scott: Curse... you... My haggis... is going to get... cold...
Farnsworth : Why won’t this thing boot up? This is the last time I buy a Dell.
Dell Lawyer: You, sir, have violated copyright law by saying that you are never going to buy a Dell again... Thereby the readers of this written “ fight ” might think the same way. We ’ re going to take you to the cleaners!
Farnsworth: Go ahead... Planet Express hasn’t got any money anyway!
Scott : Well that was random anyway. Now, I'm supposed to be dead...
*Back to the fight – No more irrelevant meanwhiles!*
Fry and his clone are now very tired... but Fry Clone has an idea up his sleeve...
Fry Clone : Hey, Fry... I know Leela doesn’t love you...
Fry : What? How could you say that! You’re me.
Fry Clone : She’s always been into clones more, don’t you know?
Fry begins to cry.
Fry Clone : You’re pathetic! I even deliver pizza’s better than you.
He uses this opportunity to stab Fry through his head.
Fry : Whhhhyyy....
Zoidberg : Round 2! FIGHT!!!
Fry Clone : I don’t think he’s getting up.
Fry is now dead.
Zoidberg : Well... the winner is Fry’s Clone?
Fry Clone : That’s FRY now.
At this moment, the matter that Fry ’ s Clone is made up of becomes unstable.
Fry Clone: Oh no... what’s happening?
Farnsworth : I forgot to mention, my Toaster only generates “Temporary Matter”, this means whatever it copies only lasts roughly 2 hours. Give or take a second.
Fry Clone : I’m meeeelttting... I’m melting...!!!!
Fry’s Clone literally melts.
Bender : How did you get here that fast, meat bag?
Farnsworth : That’s simple... I’m senile!
Leela : That’s not an answer...
Farnsworth : What isn’t?
And so the fight is over... despite the fact most of this wasn ’ t actually a fight... stay tuned for more...
Zoidberg : Scorpion... wins!
Elvis (back for an encore): *puffing and panting as if he's been running* Did... someone say... haggis? Mmmm... haggis! *drools*