Claw Plaque

Match 18: Graham Vs Scotty

Their Mooing to go into battle!

It’s been a while, but at last we will get on with the fight. Today’s match is, of course, two old friends battling to their inevitable death! This is the FINAL match, so get ready for a real show!

Being the final match, we've decided to make some new rules; the newest being a fixed set of weapons to choose from.

Here they are:

  • The entire series of the TV show Coronation Street!

  • The moustache of Hitler, as well as some of his blood.

  • A laptop computer, not Y2K compatible, complete with virus.

  • A lifetime supply of food that’s way past its sell-by-date.

  • A set of kitchen cupboards, taken from Graham’s kitchen while he wasn’t looking.

  • A large trout with slapping glove, and novelty keychain that clucks.

  • A Cease and Desist letter from Fox.
  • What’s more is that whoever wins gets to keep the opponent's weapon of choice! The loser gets buried with the winner’s weapon of choice, along with Elton John and all of his albums, and that also includes his feared killer wigs.

    Scotty and Graham flip a coin to see who chooses first. Scotty tries to use one of those fake double-headed coins, but forgot to make sure he had the choice. Graham chooses heads, and the coin is flipped... and it lands on... heads. D'oh!

    Graham goes in for the kill, but realizes he needs a weapon first! Graham hears a voice from the skies: "Use the Force, Luke!"

    "I'm not Luke, I'm Graham... you know, the cheeky chappy, the wideboy, the... ummm... something or other."

    In the meantime, Scotty and the audience are looking on confused and twiddling their fingers to the side of their heads questioning Graham's sanity. A group of white-coated medics start to come into the arena, but are chased away by Scotty, using the Cease and Desist from Fox.

    "Take that, and that, and that... and Fox are bastards!" Scotty turns towards you, the viewer. "Remember, Fox killed Futurama... they killed Bambi... and they killed Shergar! Don't let them do it to you."

    The audience gets restless and starts chucking TV Guides at the medics and burning effigies of Murdoch.

    Graham, still having a conversation with the sky, notices the commotion and and asks the sky to come back on Thursday, "When I can afford to pay for the Force". Then he moves towards the weapons table and chooses the large, tasty trout. "Mmm... finger licking good! But, before I eat this, I'll take this trout and show you the true meaning of fear!"

    What he doesn’t know is that in the audience is Hyper Chicken, who’s now a lawyer for Kentucky Fried Chicken. He’s here to see what dirt he can dig up, hearing KFC’s favorite saying. He takes this opportunity to threaten suing, Graham for saying it.

    “I'd like to say that you're abusing copyright. Us hyper chickens... cluck cluck... have fought hard to be the best meal in the Universe. We don't need you to leech off us. Cluck. Blwark!” He says.

    Unluckily for him, The Planet Express Ship flies over the stadium and lands on him, crushing him to death. He won’t be able to sue anyone now.

    Bender comes out of the ship, he noticed the crush hyper chicken...

    Bender: “Hey, Is this thing yours?”

    Emperor: “Yes.”

    Bender: "Move it! its getting blood on our ship, that’ll be a pain for Leela to clean off”

    Leela: "Since when did you care about me, Bender?"

    Bender: "I don't! I just don't like meatbags hitchhiking on our ship!"

    The Emperor goes in for a chicken feast.

    Scotty gulps. The audience goes pale. The trout flips about and looks at you, the reader. "Fox did this, they killed me... I mean will kill me!"

    Scotty, though, is not stupid. He chooses the video tapes with Coronation Street, knowing how much Graham hates that British soap.

    In the audience, Leela, Bender and Fry are sitting there looking on.

    Bender: "This is boring... YOU'RE BORING ME, MEATBAGS!"

    Leela: "Shut up, Bender. Hmmm... That Scotty looks kinda delicious!"

    Fry: "Leela! Why won't you ever say 'yes' to me? I'm ten times the man Scotty is... and I'm on TV, too... or was! Thanks, Fox. Thanks for killing us, you bastards."

    Leela: "No, Fry, I mean I want to eat him... you know, we've run out of meat at the office and I'm thinking we, in which I mean Bender, could make a good scots broth. Mmm... I can taste it right now." Leela starts licking her lips.

    Fry: "Thank god cannibalism was legalized; otherwise we'd be in trouble for eating Hermes and Cubert. Boy, wasn't that a good meal. Pity that Zoidberg was greedy though... until we ate him."

    The three chuckle.

    Leela: "Come on, you two, start killing each other already! And, Graham, tenderise him a bit for us."

    Graham and Scotty look towards the three characters and shrug, and then look to each other menacingly.

    The Emperor comes in at this point to start the match. He starts off by saying, "The battle is clear, Garham will fight to the death with Scooty!"

    One of his servants comes over to tell the Emperor. "Its Graham and Scotty, Sire."

    "I knew that! Bring me the gong so we can start this bloodbath!" shouts the Emperor.

    As usual, the gong to start the show is nowhere to be seen.

    "Oh to hell with it, start the fight!" screams the Emperor.

    Graham starts by taunting Scotty, "Your website was crap!!!"

    Scotty replies to this: "Big talk, coming from one of that website's own webmasters!"

    "Ummm... oh, yeah, you're right... it was still crap!" Graham stuttered.

    Graham thinks for a moment and turns to the sky. "Can't I have the force now? I'll pay on Thursday."

    Scotty laughs and declares Graham mad. "Graham, I'll be saving the National Health some money from interning you for madness when I kill you."

    Scotty moves forward in an attack pose and launches his attack, but barely scratches Graham, who dodges it with a swipe with his mighty, talking trout.

    "Fox has killed me! Fox has killed me!"

    "Shut up, you, and just do your job!" commanded Graham to his weapon.

    "Damn, looks like I’ll have to use my secret weapon!" Scotty thinks, so he brings over the TV and VCR, and puts a tape of Coronation Street on.

    Graham screams in horror. "Arrrgh, it's horrible, it's terrible!"

    Graham's trout now stops talking, it's had enough torture. Graham stumbles about, looking dizzy. It doesn't look good for either of them

    But, in a moment of brilliance - or desperation - he throws his large trout at the TV and knocks it over. "Ha! Even Coronation Street was no match for my large trout!" shouts Graham.

    However, he's accidentally changed the channel to Fox. The horror! The crowd boo and begin to riot. The Decapo national anthem is played, and everyone fights each other.

    Bender: "Turn that crap off... it's Fox for god's sake!"

    Graham, using his mighty trout, slaps the TV until he turns it onto BBC2, where a classic episode of The Simpson’s is being shown.

    "Mmm... Simpson’s!" Graham says in a badly-faked Homer voice.

    Leela throws her wrist thingy at Graham's head then shouts, "Kill that Scotty, Graham... do it for Homer! Do it for justice! Do it for dinner!" Then in a fake Homer voice, "Mmm... Scotty!"

    Graham wakes up from his hypnotized state and picks up the large trout and starts slapping Scotty with it.

    "OW... OWWWW... OW... OW... OWWWW... OW... OW... OWWWW!!" screams Scotty. "That fish is OFF... get it? OFF, yeah... get it? Oof!"

    "Get that, Scotty!" replied Graham. Who arrogantly turns to the audience, who have quietened while watching The Simpson’s, and bows.

    Scotty isn't done yet, though, he brought in another weapon. He reaches into his pocket and brings out… a pot of blue paint!!! How original!

    Scotty slips and splashes the paint by accident. His plan has backfired on him, leaving him open to a direct attack. Not only that, but he’ll have a huge cleaning bill to get that blue paint off!

    Graham grabs one of those tapes and wraps it around Scotty’s neck, and starts strangling him… he can't last much longer! And he didn't, Graham was victorious, Scotty was as blue as a smurf!

    Fry: "We're eating tonight!"

    Leela: "Not too much salt this time, Bender."

    Bender: "Engine oil it is, then."

    The Emperor gets off his fat behind to come down to reward Graham, the winner.

    "Well done, Garham. You get to keep the entire series of Coronation Street..."

    Graham screams "No... Life isn't worth living now!!!"

    Graham, true to his word, runs off and takes a leap off the end of the stadium.

    Leela: "Fry, you scrape up Scotty, I'll go and beat the crap out of those crustaceans and get Graham. Bender go get some of Hyper Chicken before its too late"

    Fry: "Triple-portions tonight. Yummy!"

    "You mean more work for me, jackass!" Bender scorned.

    Leela: “Stop complaining, at least you don’t have to clean the blood off the ship!”

    Back To The Emperor. "Oh well, now nobody has won, what shall I do? I know…" The Emperor muses. He declares that the dead Queen Mother's the winner - he was her biggest fan, after all.

    Back To The Emperor sounds like a movie doesn’t it?

    The crowd go restless and decide they want a republic. Guillotine to the ready!