Claw Plaque

Match 4: Kif vs. LaBarbara

KIF'S WEAPON OF CHOICE: strategies from 'Zapp's Big Book of War'
LABARBARA's WEAPON OF CHOICE: Hermes's limbo stick

The emperor tells me that if LaBarbara is victorious, then he shall plant his jelly in her eggs, and if she loses, he'll scrape her remains off the wall and make meatballs, or Labarbara balls, as he hilariously calls them. *cough*

The gong sounds, signifying the start of the match, also signifying that some punk hit the gong too early, as Kif isn't ready - he's still reading 'Zapp's Big Book of War'. LaBarbara, however, is completely ready, as she uses the pole-vault stick to fly-kick into Kif's face. Things aren't looking good for Mr Kroker, as he is smacked in the face again and again. Oh, the pain, the violence. WHY MUST THE VIOLENCE GO ON?!

Anyway, on with the violence. As Kif is beaten repeatedly with a big stick, a tooth of his flies out, right into LaBarbara's eye. She is momentarily blinded, giving Kif a chance to check his strategies. 'When fighting, wear tight velour up to the crotch, so alien babes can check you out,' he reads out loud. He turns the page - blank; the next page - blank. He looks up to Zapp in the stands and shouts, 'There's only one whole strategy in this whole book!'

Zapp looks fairly calm about it. 'Exactly, feel the velour. Ohhh baby!'.


LaBarbara pries the tooth out of her eye with the limbo stick. 'Stop throwin' your teeth at me and let me come and finish you off, ya hot dog!'

Kif is frightened, but he knows how to evade danger for a little longer. He sticks himself to the side of the Collosseum and crawls around, making it impossible for LaBarbara to poke him with that big stick. The emperor is getting restless, he throws pieces of last week's loser, Phnog, at Kif, who falls off the wall.

'Use the book, Kif!' shouts Zapp from the seating up above.

LaBarbara is mad, she takes one last throw of the stick at Kif, and it flies at Kif at tremendous speed. Just in time, he holds up Zapp's book, and the stick bounces off the book and back at LaBarbara. It flies right through her and carries her all the way to the back, where she (with her stick) hits bullseye on a dartboard. She may be dead, but she now holds the highest dart score on Decapo 10!

Zapp comes down to celebrate with Kif. 'Champagen anyone?'.

The emperor throws the medal at Kif in a hurry, eager to get his LaBarbara balls before the other scavengers get there.

NEXT WEEK: Evil Santa vs. Cubert