Claw Plaque

Match 14: Lucy Liu Vs Beck

LUCY'S WEAPON OF CHOICE: Robotic clones of herself
BECK'S WEAPON OF CHOICE: An awful episode of Futurama

Battle of the bloodsucking celebrities, and we had an overwhelming number of votes this week, er month and week then. Well thirteen votes anyway. Eleven of which were for the winner. To make sure no one skips to the end, the name of the winner will be in the form of a puzzle.

GOOONG! The battle starts.

"I'll beat you like I do the evil terrorists in my new movie, Wild Ninja Explosions, released in theatres on 27th December, advance previews on the 23rd."

"Ha!" laughs Beck. "When I get through with you, you'll be more blown away than the listeners of my album, which has already sold a million copies world-wide, and won me two Grammies - available from all good music retail outlets."

The audience would be bored by now, were it not for the huge banners advertising L'oreal, with big Lucy Liu faces that were hanging down, blocking their view. Instead, they were forced to eat their Beck bars and strain to listen to what was going on.

Lucy goes first, sending one of her clones out. "Get the bodiless bastard!" she screams. The clone marches forward menacingly. "You shall be annihilated, THE BODILESS BASTARD!"

"Your clones are no match for me," he scowls.

The clone marches on, regardless. "You should write a book, people need to know about the ARE NO MATCH FOR ME!"

Suddenly, Beck whips out his... *Censors at the ready*... his bad Futurama episode and shows it to the robot. "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" she screams. "Quality... so... bad. Can't... go... on." Then she explodes. Real Lucy Liu is starting to look worried.

"Strange," says Beck, "I quite liked it. It had a chase scene, and me and everything. Plus, the characters went totally wacky and acted nothing like they usually do. Surely, change is good!"

Lucy continued to send her army at Beck, ten at a time. But, they were all killed by Bendin' in the Wind, except Lucy Liu. "Well, before I die, will you at least call me talented? It's IN the contract."

"You get nothing, bodiless bitch!" Beck shrieked, before throwing the Futurama episode at her.

Luckily a vain girl like Lucy carries a mirror with her everywhere. So, Lucy pulls it out and points it towards him. Is it out in time to reflect the bad episode onto Beck? Work out who died with this puzzle; it will come to either 'Lucy' or 'Beck'.

Letter 1: The 28th letter of the first paragraph.

Letter 2: The first letter will either be 'B' or 'L', so if you're carrying on, you're a moron!

Letter 3: If you are carrying on, then you are an even bigger moron than I thought!

Letter 4: Scotty wears big skirts!

The emperor comes down and awards a medal to [insert name of person who didn't die]. "Well done Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms/It [insert name of person who didn't die], you have won the match. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have my eye on a nice piece of [insert name of person who died]'s [insert name of disgusting and little known organ]. [insert fitting end to story]

NEXT WEEK. Well, it'll be two weeks this time; but I promise it will come when I say it does. I have a faster, shinier, computer now, so this is no effort. Anyway...


The votes go on the voting form. All proceeds fund Scotty's sick need for big skirts. What's that Scotty? Fine then, his need for "kilts".