Claw Plaque

Match 5: Robot Santa vs. Cubert

CUBERT's WEAPON OF CHOICE: His own mind (the fool!)

This week, the match had to be delayed until the great Labarbara balls feast was over. Most of the feast consisted of killing each other, to see who got the Labarbara balls. But, now it's all over, the crowd is rooting for Cubert to die. They want his soft pink fleshy body. Supporting Cubert, however, is local devotee Plasma, of Cubert's Secret Laboratory fame; he's got a lot of money riding on this fight... and it's all on Robot Santa (well, we have to be realistic).

The sounds of that gong signifies Cubert's doom... I mean the start of the match.

'Come here little boy, you're on my list!'

Cubert looks fairly unimpressed by Robot Santa's taunt and stands there with his arms folded. 'Is that seriously supposed to frighten me? You sound like a villain in a Vanne Dam's head movie.'

Santa's angry, and he's got a present for Cubert - a punch in the stomach. It sends Cubert flying against the wall, but he's not dead yet. The crowd moans in disappointment.

Robot Santa decides it's time to stop playing games. Namely, the 'punching Cubert in the stomach' game (it would sell millions). He gets out his rocket launcher from his sack 'o' goodies, probably not what Cubert always wanted. One blast and Cubert's head is splattered across the stadium walls, in a pattern rather resembling a rainbow. How pretty!

Anyway, it looks like the fight is over.... Wait a second, there's Cubert... and another... and... 8 others as well! Cubert has cloned himself ten times! Surely this is against the rules? But no, they are all technically 'Cubert's mind' (his chosen weapon), whether they're clones or not. The clones walk up to robot Santa and start to... weakly hit him; not even making a dent. Cubert was clever to clone himself, but perhaps he should have figured out exactly how to beat Robot Santa afterwards. Santa has nine rockets left, nine bangs and it's down to him and Cubert once again. He simply sits on Cubert!

A sharp cracking sound of bones, breaking and digging into Cubert's heart, is made, and an oozing bubbling noise as Cubert's brain trickles from underneath the robot. Soon, the ribcage cracks and guts ooze out, mixing with the sandy floor. If that's not graphic enough for you, look to R Hawks of 'Futurama Fan Art'. If the men in white coats haven't already taken him away.

The Emperor comes down with a spoon to scoop up some brains. Robot Santa stands expectantly and the Emperor realises he traded the medal for this brain spoon. So he peels a banana skin off his toga that he was sitting on, and presents it to the towering robot. Everyone is happy, except Plasma, whose website fodder has just released his guts into the sand.

NEXT WEEK: Harold Zoid Vs. Morgan Proctor

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