Claw Plaque

Match 20: Robot Santa Vs Santa

By Scotty

Now this certainly is an unusual match, you don't see Santa's fighting each other every day...

Santa: He changed the meaning of Christmas!

Robot Santa: It's XMAS you old bloated windbag. Why wouldn't I like to shove this hand grenade up your stocking?

Hey, stop interrupting my introduction, you two. *ahem*

Let's start up the weapon choosing machine, and just to be fair, we reprogrammed it to love humans more than machines.

Robot Santa: What? This is preposterous.

Weapon Select Machine #1: Scanning competitors in progress...

Weapon Select Machine #1: Scanning competitors still in progress...

*1 hour later*

Weapon Select machine #1: Weapon Select Machine has determined which competitor is human...

Weapon Select Machine #2: Hurry up, you're embarrassing me.

Weapon Select Machine #1: Processing... estimated time to finish is 25.093467 days.

The crowd boos, a little boy cries, a cat is coughs up a hairball that walks off, Lassie comes home.

Robot Santa: To Hell with this! It'll be New Year's Eve by the time we get to fighting.

Santa: Actually, it will be past New Year's Eve by that time... and I'm not clearing up my reindeer's poop. I'm not an elf!

Robot Santa: Rah!

Robot Santa pulls out a rocket launcher and blasts the machine to pieces.

Robot Santa: It was being very, very naughty.

Right, well, I guess that settles that then! Competitors use your own weapons.

Emperor: Bring out the gong so we can start this fight, already I'm saying.

The crowd looks puzzled. The gong musician can be seen scratching his head.

Emperor: Don't tell me you don't know where the gong is?

The emperor notices something suspicious in the distance.

Bender's eyes shift about while trying to bend the gong to fit into his compartment.

Bender: What gong? I'm just taking my robot's indigestion pill. Big pill for a big superstar... Me!

Emperor: Enough with all this! I'll Begin the battle.

The battle commences...

Bender: I've got 100 bucks on Robot Santa!

Fry: Oh, I'm in!

Bender taps his foot while Fry searches frantically

Fry: Sorry Bender, I think I lost my wallet.

Bender stares at Fry angrily.

Fry writes out an I.O.U and hands it to Bender.

Bender: Pleasure doing business with you, meatbag.

Now, back to the main story...

Santa: You won't last long against my reindeer and its poop.

Robot Santa: Reindeer? Oh, you mean Rudolph?

Robot Santa gets out a flame thrower and obliterates Santa's 8 reindeer.

Robot Santa: On fire Dasher, on fire Dancer, on fire Donner, on fire Blitzen, on fire Comet, on fire Cupid, on fire Prancer, on fire Vixon!

Robot Santa: Don't think I've forgotten about Rudolph.

Robot Santa grabs Rudolph and holds it in his arms, and breaks him in two.

Santa: Noooooooooooooooo!!

Just to make things more hurtfull, Robot Santa rips off Rudolph's nose and puts it on his face.

Robot Santa: I declare this Red Nose Day! Hooooo hooo ho!

Santa: Very well, you force me to use my Kung Fu!

Robot Santa: Kung Fu? You know Kung Fu?

Santa: What do you expect me to be doing all year long?

Robot Santa: Being very naughty!

Santa attacks Robot Santa with a naughty high kick.

Santa breaks his foot in the process.

Robot Santa: Oh please, I'm armour-plated, how do you expect Kung Fu to work on me?

Robot Santa brings out a laser cannon

Leela: I can't look!

Leela puts in her contact lense...

Leela: Now I can.

Robot Santa unleashes his attack.

Santa dodges just before it hits.

Santa thinks: I need a plan... how do I defeat a big smelly robot?

Santa brings over his magical sack of toys over and pulls out a present. He opens the present, to reveal it's a garden hose.

Santa: It's for a Mr Anderson. It reads: "I thought you had enough dark sunglasses, so maybe this will help keep you look cool and fresh while gardening. Your dearest friend and buddy, Morpheus."

Santa: Take this, Robot Santa!

Santa leaps into the air and appears to stand still in mid-air. The crowd then feels that the stadium's being spun to get into another viewing angle, causing a few of them to get motion sickness... mass puking ensues. Then Santa does a still motion pose, gives a wink with a glinting smile, before he sprays an impatient Robot Santa with water. All very arty and cliched, don't you think?

Robot Santa: Did you honestly think I weren't water proof?

Santa: It was worth a shot. Now, let me see what else I have in my sack.

Robot Santa: Enough with your pathetic sack! It's no match to my Sack of Death! You've been very naughty, Santa... I'll have to add that waste of water to my very long list right now.

The crowd go quiet... probably due to boredom.

Robot Santa *mumbling*: W... A... T....

Fry: Now's your chance, Santa, use your secret weapon.

Santa: What secret weapon?

Fry: I dunno, I was hoping you had one.

Robot Santa has nearly finished writing the 3rd word...

Bender: This infuriates me...

Fry: What do you mean?

Bender: I asked Santa for a new TV, a brothel and Elvis's last burger, so if he dies, then I'll never get it!

Fry: But if Santa wins, then I'll win our bet.

Bender: Yeah, yeah, good for you. Now I have to go and do something that the reader won't suspect!

Bender leaves the stadium for a second.

Santa: I know what I can use!

Santa reaches into his magical sack and brings out another present.

Santa: It says its for someone named "Scotty", also notes it's an old joke.

Santa opens the present to reveal that it is a pot of red paint.

Santa: Gosh darn it!

Robot Santa has now completed his addition to his list.

Robot Santa: Ready or not, now it's time for you to die, inferior version of me.

Santa: Wait.. before you kill me, hear me out. Christmas used to be a magical time where people were all brought together and gave each other presents. Before you came along, Christmas was a joyous event. Now people fear for their lives...

Robot Santa: That's so touching... IT'S CALLED XMAS!!!!

Robot Santa Brings out a cheese grater.

Robot Santa: So I'll have to kill you even more painfully than I had intended!

Bender runs back in, dressed as Santa. He runs down into the stadium to stand in front of the real Santa.

Bender: If you want to kill Santa, you'll have to get through me!

Robot Santa: Hmmm... that won't be hard.

Bender: Grate my shiny metal ass!

Robot Santa: Don't mind if I do.

Robot Santa grates Bender into a thousand pieces very slowly...

Bender: Arrrghhh... arrrghhh! Arrrrrgggghhhhhhh....

Fry: You evil bastard!

Robot Santa: Thanks for the compliment, Fry. However, I'll have to add you to my long list for trying to flatter me. That's very, very, very naughty indeed.

Fry tries to jump into the stadium to attack Robot Santa, but Leela holds him back.

Leela: No! You idiot, that's not going to work. Let's get back to the ship and get the hell away from here.

Fry refuses to budge.

Fry: Bendeeeerrr....

Leela does some painful thinking on how to get Fry to join her in the ship. Numerous ideas flash in her mind... then bingo!

Leela: Fry... I'll let you wrestle naked with me.

Fry: Bend... mmmmmmmm! So, where did we leave the ship?

Robot Santa: Awww... it's so touching. I'll just have to kill everyone in the crowd!

The crowd panics, but continues eating popcorn as if they are in no danger. However, nobody has been paying attention to what Santa was doing. Santa has rigged Christmas lights right around Robot Santa without him knowing... which is strange.

Santa: It lacks something...

Santa adds tinsel to Robot Santa's body and a star on top of Robot Santa's head.

Santa: Take this you gigantic metal creature.

Santa turns on the electricity.

Robot Santa: Urrr-rr-rr-rrr--rrrr--rrr-rrr-ggg!

Santa: It's working! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

The crowd roar in joy and laughter.

Meanwhile, a very eager Fry and an eager for other reasons Leela return to the Planet Express ship and take off. However, while wrestling naked in maple syrup, their ship loses control and crashes into an electricity pylon which, coincidentally, powers the nice Christmas display everyone was watching on Robot Santa.

Santa: Oh no!

Robot Santa grabs Santa and puts him under a quickly assembled guillotine.

Santa: Wait... Wait...

Robot Santa: I've lost my paitence with this whole thing. Anyway, this story has to end sometime. The visitors are getting restless and I need to kill everyone in this stadium; they've all been very naughty indeed.

Robot Santa drops the guillotine.

Santa: Ack!

Just now, Zoidberg enters the scene

Zoidberg: I'll finally get a chance to try out my opera singing skills

Zoidberg: Oh cruel fate... Why... why must Santa die? Why must he die?

The crowd cover their ears, this truly is torture indeed.

Robot Santa grabs Zoidberg and shoves a stick of dynamite down his throat and chucks him out of sight. For once, Robot Santa was saving people from torture.. at least for a few seconds.

Robot Santa goes on the rampage to kill everyone left alive by harpooning them in the eye!

Later, the crowd is all dead and all that.. Fry and Leela survived (and are now fully dressed... stop drooling, unless it's due to the syrup).

*explosion in the background*

Fry: Xmas gets worse every year. I wish for once they killed someone not in our sight.

Leela: Yeah, or at least killed something we can eat.

Fry: Mmmm.. makes me hungry for dolphin.

Leela: As long as it isn't intelligent.

Fry: Let's go see if Bender is still alive.

Leela: He better be, he owes me money

Fry: Me too!

Zoidberg: Why must I die?

Fry and Leela discover Bender is in fact alive. Perhaps Scotty won't get a beating by all the Bender fans after all.

Bender: Oooh.. Owww... He really did grate my poor, shiny metal ass.

Fry: Robot Santa won, so hand over the money.

Bender gives Fry back his I.O.U.

Fry: Thank you.

Scotty: Merry Christmas everyone.

Robot Santa: That's XMAS!!!!!!

Robot Santa grabs Scotty and shoves a bag of fluffy bunny toys down his throat.

Zoidberg: Ohhhh danny boy!

Robot Santa: Can't anyone kill this stupid lobster opera singer?


Santa Claus - RIP