Claw Plaque

Match 21: Fry, Leela and Bender Vs Teletubbies

By Scotty

This week, we're going to do something different apparently... well the Claw Plaque stadium was shut for renovations. The temporary stadium is on the Teletubby planet, one of the safest and, therefore, child friendly locations in the galaxy. Why there? Well, we decided to go there just for the hell of it, and anyway, the Emperor wants to watch the Tubbies, seeing they're his favourite TV show. So, we felt we could kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

However, the above is moot, because the crew haven't even got to the planet yet...

Fry: Why are we doing this anyway, Leela?

Leela: The Professor said that we have to go there to fight.

Fry: But I'm a delivery boy, my career chip doesn't cover that type of thing.

Bender: Shut up, Fry, your chip doesn't cover you for being a loser, but you are one nonetheless! We're getting paid to kill four wimpy Teletubbies, why should you care? It'll be easy.

Leela: Yeah... and besides, we know what the Professor has to blackmail us with, we better not cross him!

Fry: Guess you're right. Eh? What has he got to blackmail us with?

Bender: It was us that delivered salt instead of sugar to the Wormulon planet, remember? Actually, I'll rephrase that, Fry: it was you.

Fry: Oh, yeah, that was a mess.

Leela: Yes, and now we're being hunted down as mass murderers thanks to you. Just be lucky that the Professor hasn't given them our email addresses, otherwise we'd be spammed by slugs.

The Planet Express ship arrives at the Teletubby planet and lands in a green meadow-like area.

The crew exit the ship in the usual manner, only to be blinded by the sun's
baby face!

Bender: Ahh! the sun's looking at me, what should I do?

Leela: Pull yourself together, it's not going to hurt you. Awww... it's so cute!

The Sun fires a fireball at Bender.

Bender: Agagagagagagaggg!!!!

Leela: Guess I was wrong for once. Still cute, though.

Lala looks from a distance at the Planet Express ship.

Narrator: Lala, what's that you see over there? Is it a smelly robot, a cyclops and an idiot?

Lala dances around and nods. The other three Teletubbies start dancing in a similar fashion.

Fry: Where is everyone anyway?

Bender: I believe they're over there.

Bender points to a pile of bones and blood.

Leela: The Teletubbies can't be responsible for that, it must be that stupid sun.

The sun retaliates by hurling another fireball at Bender, then giggles.

Bender: Arrrrggghh!! It burns!

*Teletubby music starts*

Tinky-winky... Dipsy... Lala... Po... Teletubbies... Teletubbies say... hello!

Leela: This is enough to make you hurl.

Bender: I would if there were any penguins and fish nearby.

Po walks over the Bender curiously.

Bender: What the hell do you want?

Narrator: Be careful, Po, the nasty robot might scare you.

Bender: Scare him? I'll do more than that!

Bender kicks Po in the shin.

Po falls to the ground... the other three Teletubbies dance around Po happily.

Leela: Does nothing phase these things?

Fry: Maybe the other three hate Po.

Bender: I know I do, but then again, I hate the other three as well.

Just now, the Teletubbies unleash their ultimate revenge for hurting Po: Lala summons the power of fire; Tinky-winky summons the power of water; Dipsy summons the power of Earth; Po summons the power of Wind!

The Teletubbies summon Captain Planet!

Leela: Where have I heard this before?

The four Teletubbies unleash their pathetic attack. Fortunately enough for Bender, Fry and Leela, the attack misses them completely.

The sun doesn't like that nobody got hurt, so it attacks Bender again, with another fireball.

Bender: Arrghh!! Uuughh!

Leela: Oh well, looks like Bender got killed again.

Fry: What do you mean by "again", this is the first time, isn't it?

Leela: Perhaps, I don't really care.

Fry: You'd never think this place would be dangerous.

Leela: Fry, look, the sun is going down.

Fry: Maybe the moon is a bit more friendly than the sun is.

The sun goes down, and the moon comes up. The horror, it appears the moon is Jamie Oliver!

The moon drops down the Teletubbies' meal for the evening. The four Teletubbies dance around and get the brightly coloured food.

Leela: Maybe we should leave now...

Fry: What do you mean? I'm hungry.

Fry walks over to get some of the food

Leela: No, you idiot...

The four Teletubbies finish eating their dinner. All four Teletubbies coats turn black and their eyes red.

Fry: Urrrghh... They've turned evil!

Jamie Oliver: Yes, you idiot... now they're Evily-Weasely, Knifey, Mwha and Poland.

Fry: Oh God, not Poland!

Jamie Oliver: oh yes, and Poland has a Pentium 90 chip in his brain, making him smarter.. and faster than all of you!

Fry and Leela run to the ship

Jamie Oliver: You won't get away that easily.

Jamie Oliver destroys the Planet Express ship!

Leela: I'll handle them, Fry. Leave it to me.

Fry: No! Let's just run instead!

Leela: You coward! Come back here!

Fry runs away.

Leela: Oh well...

Leela runs away as well.

Jamie Oliver: After them, Evily, knife-boy, Ha, and Porky

The four Teletubbies look at Jamie evily and do as they're told. They pursue Fry and Leela with bread knives in their hands, as well as grenades.

Fry: We're safe for now, but what do we do when they come for us?

Leela: I have a plan!

Evily-weasely approaches Leela.

Leela: Have a look at these, my lovely!

Evily-weasely's mouth drops

Fry: That teletubby sure likes cans, doesn't he?

Leela: Yeah I'm glad I picked up these cans of Pepsi earlier on.

Evily-weasely snaps out of it and pursues Leela.

Leela kicks Evily-weasely to the floor and throws a pot of red paint over him.

Leela: Who writes this trash?

Scotty puts up his hand, but soon lowers it when the crowd start building a makeshift gallows.

Fry: The paint seems to have disabled him!

Knifey and Mwha come at Fry and Leela from two different directions.

Fry: Ahh!

Mwha throws a grenade at them.

Leela quickly picks up the grenade and chucks it at Knifey.

Knifey looks down below his feet. [Yes, it's a grenade, Knifey...]

Knifey does a little dance, then the grenade explodes.

Mwha chucks a bread knife at Fry.

Fry: Arrrghh!!!!!

Leela: It missed you, idiot!

Fry: Oh!

Leela picks up a rock and chucks it at Mwha's face. It's a direct hit. Mwha
falls down.

Leela: That just leaves one more...

Fry shoves the bread knife through Mwha's face to make sure he won't be bothering them again. Strawberry jam pours out. [See, mums and dads, don't fret about the violence, it's not real blood]

Fry: I know that bad writer up there would sneak that on us later!

Scotty: Oy, who's writing this! Shut up and stick to the story

Leela: Fine.

The last Teletubby appears. Poland is taking no prisoners.

Jamie Oliver: You've come far enough you two... see how you like this.

Jamie Oliver blasts Poland with some sort of enlarging ray... making Poland bigger and stronger [take note, Germany and Russia]

Fry: Uhh, Leela, I don't think your fighting will do much good against that thing!

Jamie Oliver: This is why you should've enjoyed my cooking and bad acting skills on TV, you worthless humans!

Leela pulls out a laser from her pocket and shoots Poland in between the eyes.

Poland falls over dead. Strawberry jam pours out yet again.

Fry: That was way too easy. And his blood is delicious. Mmmm!

Evily-Weasely jumps Leela from behind!

Fry: Oh no!

Fry thinks quickly, grabs Bender's remains and chucks them in Evily-weasely's direction.

Fry: Leela, get out of the way!

Leela breaks free of Evily and jumps

Bender's weight crushes evily-weasely. The smash re-awakens Bender, who reboots.

Bender: Oh, I had the most wonderful dream! I dreamt Teletubbies were going to kill all of humanity!

Leela: Let's just get the hell out of here before that blasted cook kills us!

Fry, Leela and Bender run into the Planet Express ship to do repairs. By some strange miracle called writer's liberty, the sun didn't do that much damage to it after all. What the writer meant by destroying the ship was that it had dented a door a bit. So, just change the above with some correction fluid or just hit the backspace. Oh, back to the story... The crew take off in it and escape the wrath of the Teletubby planet! Hooray!

Fry, Leela and Bender: Happy New Year!

Bender: ...Jerkwads!

Reader: New Year's gone!

Jamie Oliver: And eat my cake, it's full of celebrity goodness!

Scotty: Quiet, you!

Scotty turns off the TV, causing Jamie Oliver to disappear. Hooray!