Claw Plaque

Match 11: Zapp Brannigan vs. Femputer

ZAPP'S WEAPON OF CHOICE: His book of pickup lines, now with a velour cover.

Thanks again to my favourite-site-visitor-in-the-world, Winna (aka nick), for submitting ideas, such as Zapp's weapon this week. Many of you choose to ignore my pleas for ideas and send stuff on the newsline instead, saying 'Zoiby want balloon'. But that's very entertaining too. Where were we?

GONG! GONG! GONG! And so forth. The gong keeps being whacked, because the gong-hitter has gone deaf from the loudness of the gong, and therefore can't hear it.

'Femputer hears your annoying gong!' shouts the righteous bitch (no, not Leela), and with that the femputer disintegrates the gong with a laser.

*In steps Chief Wiggum* 'Aw, that gong only had one day left till retirement!'

Now the real fighting is ready to start. Zapp's tactics are obviously to seduce the femputer and then kill it. We know this because it was found scribbled on his napkin before the match, next to a doodle of a stick figure naked cyclops. 'Here's 20 cents, call your mom and tell her you're getting laid by one sexy captain, and then she can be next.'

The femputer is disgusted by this, as is indicated by the 'loading disgustedness' message at the bottom of her screen (or if she didn't have one, then it's being shown on some magic holograph thingy). 'How dare you insult femputer's mother, do you even know the assembly pains she went through when I was made?!'

'No. But I'm sure it isn't nearly as painful as going a day without the big Zapper.'

'The what?'

'The Z-man, bed-rocker Brannigan. You know, me.'

'Oh that's right, I remember reading your webpage. Well, those foolish earthling girls may find you attractive...'

Suddenly, Leela shouts from the audience, 'Oh, that's right Zapp, please, I'm not complete without you, I never should have set your flowers on fire.' Well, actually she doesn't, she's too busy telling the hot-dog vendor about Fry's flaws, but that was an excerpt from Zapp's fantasy section of his book.

Now we've got the taunting over and done with, the REAL fighting starts. The femputer rolls forward and swings itself at Zapp. His ear falls off, falling to the ground like a... well, like a falling ear really.

'My ear! Oh well, at least maybe girls will consider me an artist, like the other guy that did this? Whatshisname? Pea casserole or something'. Zapp gets ready to read his nice little body line from the book, when suddenly the femputer loses her balance and falls on Zapp, killing him. No one expected that, did they?

The now healthy emperor comes down from his podium to award femputer her medal, but she's too big to hang it on, so he places it in the CD drive.

Femputer is happy, but the emperor still seems a bit annoyed. 'Dammit, I pressed the TAB button before the fight. Where the hell's my drink?!'

Next Time On Claw Plaque : Adlai Atkins Vs. Philip J. Fry

You can vote via the voting form, yet many of you choose not to. You'll regret it soon, when I release my army of possums. Oh yes, you'll see!