Claw Plaque

Match 10: Zoidberg vs. Hermes


By the way, I did this fairly significant fight to celebrate the tenth claw plaque in existence, but I don't suppose any of you would have noticed that. Oh, and thanks once again to Winna for submitting his excellent ideas; please all feel free to do the same.

GOOOOOOOOOOOONG! That all too familiar sound signifies Claw Plaque time, both fighters are ready and angry, and one of them is hungry, see if you can guess which. Hermes comes lunging at Zoidberg, probably trying to knock him over, weakening him before the huge blast of deadly prunes (the only use I can think of for them is to be used in a gun, anyway they seem pretty deadly to me). Zoidberg is quick though, and gets out of the way, tripping over a wall in the process.

Surely this can't be the end? Not yet! Hermes has a knife attached to his gun, and he swings it at Zoidberg. Zoidberg is too busy picking up pieces of old contestants to put in a pie to notice, and his arm is sliced clean off.

'My good arm!' moans Zoidberg.

'Let's just say that that can be your payment for stealing the whole year's supply of fish,' explains Hermes.

'I swear that wasn't me, do I look like I would eat fish? Ooh, is that fish? [*slurp, chew, swallow*] Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, that's right, those bodies may have been found in my cupboard, but there's no evidence that.....' He is interrupted by a shot of prunes to the face. 'Blech these taste awful! But perhaps I wasn't ready. Shoot me again.'

Hermes puts on his best menacing face and walks slowly towards the blinded Zoidberg. 'There ain't no more money in the budget for prunes, it looks like we'll be havin' lobster instead.'

'Dammit! why are you always winning?!' moans the still dazed Zoidberg.

Hermes laughs and replies: 'It's my brave heart.'

Zoidberg looks puzzled. 'What, like in the movie?'

Hermes sighs in annoyance and lifts up his knife-gun ready to bring it down on Zoidberg's skull. 'No, like my heart as in the organ.'

Zoidberg clears his eyes and sees his impending doom. 'Oh right, well then maybe I should get one.' And with that casual remark, he plunges his claw deep into Hermes's chest and pulls out his still beating heart, eating it after finishing watching it spray blood and puss all over the audience (hey, it's free to get in). Hermes falls dead, unpaid for much overtime.

The emperor, in a wheelchair after last week's accident, wheels down to the arena laughing like a child. He gives Zoidberg the chair's hubcap as a medal.

'Ooooooooh shiiiny,' said the victorious crustacean.

Next time on Claw Plaque : Zapp Brannigan vs. the Femputer