PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH: Excellent happenings, People! (Looks around at everyone ignoring him) Whuh? Oh, now THAT'S not right- let's see... Ah yes... GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE!
HERMES: News is always good!
AMY: I can hardly wait!
BENDER: Hooray for Bender!
LEELA: What is it, Professor?
PROFESSOR: ...We made it into BIG APPLET'S BEST OF NEW NEW YORK issue! (He shows them a magazine with the following captions on the cover: Best Alien Abduction Service, Best Genetically Engineered Pizza, Hoover Cabbie of The Year, Best Stage Revival- 'Trainspotting, The Musical', and more!)
LEELA: How wonderful!
HERMES: Sweet piranha of Ghana!
FRY: All right!
LEELA: So what did we win? 'Fastest Pilot'?
FRY: 'Best Looking Delivery Boy'?
BENDER: 'Robot Employee Of The Year'?
PROFESSOR: Better yet! It's an award that stands as a testament to your courage, dependability, and desperate need of a paycheck... 'MOST EFFICIENT DELIVERY COMPANY ON WEEKENDS AND HOLIDAYS'!
LEELA: (thinking) But we're the ONLY delivery company in town that works weekends and Holidays.
FRY: we rule!
PROFESSOR: Damn straight! And as a token of my appreciation, I got you all a cake! (Dr. Zoidberg comes in pushing a cake on a cart)
BENDER: (taking a beer out of his chest) And I have just the thing to drink with it! (starts chugging)
AMY: (looking at the cake- it has two amorous crabs on it, and it says 'Congratulations on Your Spawning!') Hey, what's with the CRAB cake?
PROFESSOR: ZOIDBERG! WHAT IS THIS?
DR. ZOIDBERG: What? Aren't the little crabs just to die for?
PROFESSOR: It was on SALE, wasn't it?
DR. ZOIDBERG: yes.
In the lounge-
FRY: (trying to keep Nibbler from eating his slice of cake) UGNHH! Get OFF me, you little creep show in a cape!
AMY: (working on Bender's head) Oh, that's so cute. Fry's playing with Nibbler.
BENDER: He never acts like that when WE play! It's always 'Bender, you're crushing my spine!' or 'Bender, I can smell my burning flesh!'
FRY: (Managing to shove the cake in his mouth while still fighting off Nibbler) Help! Nibbler's got rabies! (Nibbler manages to grab the plate the cake was on and eats that- 'SCHLOOOP!')
LEELA: Fry, don't let him eat that!
FRY: (spitting crumbs) Why not?
LEELA: Because the vet said Nibbler's been overeating...
BENDER: Ohh, NEWS FLASH!
LEELA:... and I have to watch what he eats. But it's hard, because every time I turn my back, He's into something else.
LEELA: (looking down at Nibbler, who has the remains of Fry's shirt hanging out of his mouth) NIBBLER! No! Bad, bad boy!
BENDER: Oh yeah, THAT'LL put the fear of your silly notion of God into him.
FRY: That's IT! Nibbler's gonna learn to respect other people's property! Hold him out so I can chew his fur off and see how HE likes it!
LEELA: Fry, he can't help it. Nibbler's just a little crazy right now because his food intake is being curbed.
HERMES: But he's still fillin' the delivery ship fuel room full of his dark matter waste.
LEELA: Right! Nibbler's saving us money because his waste is our starship fuel. THAT'S got to count for something!
HERMES: (holding up a chart) But we're not usin' enough fuel to compensate for how much waste he produces. We gotta build a whole new wing now just to store Nibbler dung! Not to mention the SMELL...
LEELA: Look, I know he's a handful, but once he stops eating so much...
DR. ZOIDBERG: (coming in angrily clacking his claws) WHERE IS THAT CARNIVOROUS BEAST!?
AMY: What happened, Dr. Zoidberg?
DR. ZOIDBERG: (holding up a broken jar) HE ate all my prawns!
FRY: So we get more. It's not like you were personal friends with them!
DR. ZOIDBERG: It's worse than that! They were my COUSINS, visiting from Ohio! (he tries to grab him with his claw as Nibbler makes his escape)
LEELA: Nibbler! Come back here!
DR. ZOIDBERG: Yes! My family may be trying to bore their way out of your stomach! I can help!
Nibbler is seen running downstairs into the hanger looking for a place to hide. We see him looking at the ship and at Bender's headless body...
LEELA: (looking for Nibbler) Nibbler?
PROFESSOR: Oh, Leela! (Calls Leela back into the lounge) I'd Like you to meet Lucy and Ricky. They have a package that needs to be delivered to their home planet, but the cargo is so precious and secret that they insist on coming along. (introducing Lucy and Ricky) This is the ship's crew- Leela, Bender, and the other one.
LUCY: ( a large headed green alien with red hair, wearing a yellow dress with red polka dots) You are the Captain, are you not?
RICKY: (an alien similar to Lucy, with black hair, wearing a suit and tie) We have read the many great things about you in our copy of the human 'Big Applet'!
LEELA: Yeah, that's me...
LUCY: We look forward to learning... uh, I mean OBSERVING all the tricks of the trade that have made you the success you are!
FRY: 'Ricky and Lucy', huh? Where have I heard those names before?
RICKY: Ay, Carumba! Certainly not from any classic 20th century earth televis...
FRY: I KNOW! The books of the Bible!
LUCY: No, we are just simple aliens in need of the BEST delivery company in the galaxy to handle our shipping and handling needs! The BEST!
PROFESSOR: Well, good luck finding a delivery company that good. If you do, please let me know... I might want to use them myself someday!
RICKY: We are talking about Planet Express!
PROFESSOR: (turns to Leela) Are THEY good?
LEELA: Professor, that's US!
PROFESSOR: You wish! Well, off you go!
We see the crew with Lucy and Ricky getting ready in the hangar. Fry is loading the ship, Amy is putting Bender's head back on his body, Hermes is doing his paperwork, and Leela is still looking for Nibbler
LEELA: Has anyone seen Nibbler?
HERMES: Ah, don'cha worry, Leela. He probably just hiding under the couch or rooting through the toxic waste barrel again.
LEELA: I really don't want to leave until I know Nibbler's okay...
PROFESSOR: There'll be plenty of time for guilt and making up when you return.
FRY: Yeah, don't worry about Nibbler. If he's anything like my old dog, Champ, He'll lick his mange and hump your dirty laundry until you come back home.
BENDER: (now with his head and body back together) Besides, He'd only get in the way and make us look bad. We have to be on our best behavior for our guests. (Bender guzzles another beer and belches fire- 'BRAAAAP!!') Ohh, THAT stripped some bolts. (Lucy and Ricky look on, worried)
Soon, the mission is underway!
BENDER: (Singing) 'They pave paradise and put up a parking lot- put up a parking laaaaaaaaaaaht!'
FRY: Right on! More parking lots for the people!
RICKY: So Captain Leela, besides the Karaoke show, Holographic Pictionary, and Drinking Games with the auto pilot, what other preparations does your crew make for delivery?
LUCY: Yes, we are very interested in knowing every detail from start to finish.
LEELA: Well, there's not much to do. We just fly the cargo to it's destination and fly back home.
RICKY: There must be more to it! You are an award winning delivery service!
LUCY: (getting impatient) What are your SECRETS!?
RICKY: Uh, what my friend here means to say is, there must be more to it than simply coming and going from place to place.
LUCY: Yes, that is it!
LEELA: Well, there's really not...
FRY: GO, GO, GO!!! And the auto pilot goes DOWN! Time to pay up, looser!
BENDER: (arm wrestling the auto pilot) YES! EAT IT, Dewey!
AUTO PILOT: Aww... (starts spilling out candy onto the floor)
BENDER: HEY- these are M & Ms. You were supposed to pay in SKITTLES!
AUTO PILOT: Uh... does not compute... or something!
LEELA: All right, enough fooling around. Bender, make yourself useful and give Lucy and Ricky a tour of the ship.
BENDER: Aw, why can't Fry?
LEELA: Because I'm the Captain, and I want YOU to do it. You haven't helped at all on this trip, and you're not here for Fry's amusement.
FRY: (eating M & Ms) Then who is?
BENDER: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! Come on! (under breath) lousystinkinuglyoneeyedfreakcaptainjerkette...
LEELA: SHUT YO' MOUTH!
BENDER: I'm jus' talkin' 'bout FRY!
FRY: I can dig it!
BENDER: (now escorting Lucy and Ricky) Okay, prepare to fest your eyes on the amenities that make Planet Express the State-of-the-art delivery service it is. Such as- 'The Military Strategy Room' (he shows them a war room with a Professor standing in front of 'ol' Freebie', looking remarkably like George C. Scott in 'Patton'), 'The Morgue' (a stereotypical morgue w/ covered bodies, and a picture of the Professor with a beanie and propeller, with a large candy sucker, standing in front of a roller coaster), and my favorite, 'The Jungle room'! ( a cross between Zapp's Lovenasium and a jungle- with a picture of the Professor lying naked on a lion skin,in front of a fireplace) So, what's your poison? (gets behind the bar) Arsenic shooters? Ether and Tonic? Cyanide Daiquiris?
LUCY: Uhh, what does this have to do with the delivery?
BENDER: (mixing a drink) Hey, are you here to talk about deliveries, or get drunk? Get your priorities straight!
RICKY: well, forgive us for asking, but why is there a need for a robot on the delivery missions anyway?
BENDER: (hurt) I'm the ship's cook!
LUCY: And yet the only thing you have cooked so far is that telephone-wire fettuccini marinated in motor oil.
BENDER: Hey, don't thank me. I just took the recipe from Elzar's 'Cooking On A Budget Of 8 Megabytes Or Less'!
LEELA: (over the speaker system in the room) Bender, report to the flight deck immediately. WE'VE GOT TROUBLE!
BENDER: (now on the bridge with Lucy and Ricky) What kind of trouble?
LEELA: The worst kind- Robot Space Pirates! They've got us in a tractor beam! Oh no! It looks like the ship of Long John Silicon and his crony Blackboard! Tyrants of the Sea of Tranquility!
FRY: Are they dangerous?
LEELA: (pointing to Lucy and Ricky's cargo box in the background) They are if you have valuable cargo!
BENDER: Eep! That's ME!
LEELA: Lucy and Ricky, if we're going to survive, we HAVE to know what's in the crate.
RICKY: Uhh, I am afraid that is impossible, Captain Leela.
LEELA: But it could cost us our lives if we don't tell them!
LUCY: Can we not just give them the robot? He has proven himself quite unnecessary as it is.
BENDER: Hey, I wasn't so unnecessary when you were sucking down my special thermal viscosity milk shakes a few minutes ago! I'LL show you who's necessary!
FRY: Uh, Bender, why don't you show THEM? (Fry points toward five robot pirates)
LONG JOHN SILICON: Arrh! Looks like we found ourselves some BOOTY!
BENDER: (Aside to Fry) Oh my God! He likes my BUTT!
BLACKBOARD: What d'ye want to do with these landlubbers, Captain?
LONG JOHN SILICON: That depends on how nice they be about partin' ways with the loot! What say ye, missy?
LEELA: Sorry, Mr. John Silicon, but I can't let you take this crate.
LONG JOHN SILICON: What's inside?
LEELA: Nothing valuable...
FRY: Wet pantyhose!
BENDER: Used coffee grounds!
LONG JOHN SILICON: Nevertheless! We be takin' this here booty one way or another!
LEELA: Not without a fight! (Leela opens a cabinet labeled 'Duel Cabinet'. In it, we see a sword, a white glove, a phaser, brass knuckles, and a turntable for DJ scratch-offs)
LONG JOHN SILICON: So ye think yar knuckles can defeat the likes of our mighty swords?
LEELA: (putting on the brass knuckles) Oh, I'll think they'll do the trick...(Leela presses a button on the side of the knuckles, and a set of spinning blades extend out about a foot from her fist)
LONG JOHN SILICON: Ye can say THAT again.
Leela takes a swipe at the first two robot pirates, destroying their swords. She then sweeps their legs, knocking them both down. She jumps on their heads, killing them.
LONG JOHN SILICON: (encouraging robot pirate #3) Bring me her head, Laddy!
The robot pirate misses, and Leela knees him repeatedly in his chest.
LEELA: Hoo-YAH! (Leela shoves the blades inside the pirates chest, cutting all his wires and circuitry.
LONG JOHN SILICON & BLACKBOARD: ARRRRRRH! (they run and attack Leela)
LEELA: (putting the beating to Backboard) HEE-YAH! HI-YOH!
LONG JOHN SILICON: Taste my sword, Haggie!
Leela flips through the air, and in doing so, she kicks Blackboard, and swipes Long John Silicon with the blades. However, as she lands, she gets the blades stuck in the floor.
LEELA: Huh? I'm stuck!
LONG JOHN SILICON: NOW ye'll learn the price for yar insolence, missy!
BLACHBOARD: Any last words, hag?
LEELA: Yeah... turn the safety off, Fry!
FRY: Can do!
LONG JOHN SILICON: WHA-?
FRY: (pointing a gun at the remaining two pirates) What up?
LONG JOHN SILICON: Arrhh, CRAP.
FRY: (shocking the robots with the gun and knocking them out) I don't know what this gun shoots, but it sure works on robots!
LEELA: All right, fry!
LUCY: You risked your lives for the safety of our cargo. How can we ever thank you?
FRY: eh, it's all in a day's work! Like shooting monkeys in a barrel!
LEELA: Hey, where's Bender?
BENDER: Oh, uh, Hi... (takes a ring off of one of the robots' fingers) Just disarming these dirty pirates of their lethal gold and dangerous silver!
Fry and Leela have Long John Silicon and Blackboard tied up to their ships 'mast'.
LONG JOHN SILICON: Arrh! Watch the circulation, matey!
FRY: What circulation?
LONG JOHN SILICON: Me fuel lines!
BENDER: (coming up from down inside the ship) Well, no more pirates down below. Just all this gold and silver going to waste!
FRY: What are we going to do with these two, Leela? We can't just leave them floating in space, can we?
LEELA: In spite of my better judgment, no. But they need to be punished somehow... (cut to the Nimbus) and I know JUST THE PERSON for the job...
ZAPP BRANNIGAN: (beeping is heard in the background) Captains' log, uhh, the day after yesterday...Kiff what is that infernal whochamajigger? And what does it want with me?
KIFF: It's a distress signal, sir, and I think it's from the Planet Express Shi-
ZAPP: Good, you keep doing that. Now where was I?, Oh yes. My screenplay idea... we open on a very sensual star captain, lying in his bed, wearing only a velour thong... and there's probably a killer shark, and an asteroid, and a femme fatale terrorist with sexual terrorism on her mind...
A little later...
Back aboard the Planet Express ship-
RICKY: Once again, we cannot thank you enough for risking your lives for our cargo.
LEELA: Oh, it's Okay. I enjoy putting Fry's and Bender's lives at risk.
FRY: She sure does.
BENDER: Fry! Look at the time! We almost forgot!
LUCY: Forgot what?
FRY: It's time for our mid-flight game! What are we going to play, Bender? Anything but 'laser tag'. The scars are finally healing from last weeks mission.
BENDER: (sits down on a control panel and lights a cigar) Those were good times...
LEELA: (As everyone goes flying around in the ship) Bender, you shut off the auto pilot!
The ship is flying erratically through space, toward the Silver Surfer.
SILVER SURFER: Hey, watch where you're (gets hit- 'POW!') AHHHHHHH!
LEELA: Uh-oh! (the ship flies through a group of ships like seen in the old arcade game 'Galaxian'. They narrowly escape shots fired at them) THAT was close! What the-?
LEELA: Are you guys Okay?
BENDER: (extinguishing his cigar on Fry's ass) We're fine, thanks.
LEELA: hey, where are...
LUCY & RICKY: SURRENDER, EARTHLINGS! (they now are holding guns, and dressed in brown uniforms)
FRY: There were guns in that crate? I coulda SWORE they were puppies!
BENDER: you owe me ten bucks...
LEELA: What's going on?
LUCY: We are the Upsilons of Fedex 12! And now that we have discovered the secrets to your intergalactic delivery success, we are going to destroy you!
FRY: But why us? We STINK!
LUCY: Quite the contrary, human. By watching you and your crew during these past few hours, we have discovered the recipe of your success lies in a melting pot of intangibles- human ego, alien superiority, and kung-fu expertise!
RICKY: We will have to work on the kung-fu part, Lucyxzl.
LUCY: That goes without saying, Rickykorbgoll.
FRY: Say what?
LUCY: Our real names.
RICKY: When we decided to shorten out names, the whole 'I Love Lucy' thing was just a happy coincidence.
LUCY: Now, as I was saying, we will incorporate the attributes of your company's success into our own delivery company and put all the others in the universe out of business!
LEELA: What happens to us now?
LUCY: You will fly us to our home planet. Once there, we will formally thank you for your unwitting help by torturing and destroying you!
FRY: one of those muffin baskets would be just as nice...
RICKY: ENOUGH! Now it is time to continue on our journey home!
FRY: Can we go through a Fishy Joe's drive-thru on the way? I'm really hung-
Soon, on the Planet Fedex 12...
FEDEX 12 LEADER: So these are the masterminds of intergalactic delivery? Go figure.
RICKY: Yes, but they're dangerously charismatic and friendly. Especially the human!
FRY: (dancing) Go Fry... it's your Birthday...
FEDEX 12 LEADER: SILENCE! I will not fall for your salesman's tricks! Put them in the death acceleration module! (crowd cheers)
A little later...
Leela Fry and Bender are seen standing on hovering platforms, and their arms are chained above their heads. They are above a large vat of acid.
FEDEX 12 LEADER: It is time to meet your end, earthlings! We thank you for being weaker and dumber than us, and allowing us to steal your secrets so that we may rule the universe's delivery business!
LEELA: But why would you want to?
FEDEX 12 LEADER: Hey, everybody's got their 'thing'. We love shipping and handling, all right? Now, any last requests?
FRY: Don't kill me!
FEDEX 12 LEADER: Uhh... NO. Anyone else?
BENDER: Yeah, I'd like one last drink from the stash of hooch in my chest cabinet. I want my last moments to be sweet ones!
FEDEX 12 LEADER: Fair enough. Ricky? (Ricky walks up to Bender)
BENDER: So how 'bout we start off with a cocktail, Barkeep- something on the rocks, but nothing too girly or that Fry would drink? (Ricky opens Bender's chest and...)
LEELA: NIBBLER! So that's where you were!
BENDER: WHAT THE-!? Aww, I thought I smelled a load of starship fuel!
RICKY: Ay, carumba! (Nibbler lunges out at him and eats him)
UPSILON GUARD: (watching Nibbler eat all the Upsilons) Every Upsilon for himself!
FEDEX 12 LEADER: PLEASE! Anyone but meeee-! (Nibbler eats them as well)
LEELA: No, Nibbler, you're NOT supposed to... well, I guess one little binge meal can't hurt.
FRY: Leela, the traps are lowering into the acid! How are we gonna get out!?
BENDER: (looking at an extremely bloated Nibbler, who's gut is making rumbling noises) Uh-oh...
NIBBLER: BRRRAAAAPP! (Nibbler belches a noxious green gas)
LEELA: The force from the burp is short-circuiting our electro-cuffs and the cage locks!
FRY: That and my ability to smell ever again! Pee yoo!
BENDER: We'd better... JUMP! (Leela, Fry and Bender Jump to safety just as the traps they were on drop into the acid)
FRY: WE'RE FREE!
LEELA: Oh, Nibbler, you're such a GOOD BOY! YES YOU ARE!
FRY: Bender, if you hadn't brought Nibbler along in your chest, we'd be DEAD right now. You saved the day!
BENDER: Hey, I didn't know that little flea bag was in... uh, I mean, Damn right I'M the hero! And in my honor of my new status as Super-bot Extraordinaire, I propose a drink! (reaches into his chest cabinet) Hey, they're all EMPTY! NIBBLER DRANK ALL MY BOOZE! \
LEELA: He had to survive on something in there...
BENDER: Well, now he can feast on a hand unit sandwich! C'mere, you! (starts chasing Leela and Nibbler) Gimme!
LEELA: But he saved us!
BENDER: Let me have that fat rat! I can still wring the booze out of his hide!
FRY: Ahhh, another successful mission.
HERMES: (in a caption bubble) Delivery Completed!