Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #3: THE OWNER OF MARS ATTACKS
Transcribed by Umbreon

SCRIPT- ERIC ROBERTSPENCILS- JAMES LLOYDPLOT/EDITS- BILL MORRISON
INKS- STEVE STEERE, JRLETTERS-CHRIS UNGARCOLORS – COLORBOT 3000
ART SUPERVISION- NATHAN KANECREATED BY- MATT GROENING 


The Planet Express ship speeds by a space carriage, pulled by two orange, flying aliens.

OLD MAN: (in carriage) Watch where ye are going!

PROFESSOR: Good news, everyone! We’re finally here!

Inside…

LEELA: So, Fry, what do you think of the flea market of the future?

FRY: Eh, it still has the same assortment of freaks that hung out at flea markets in the 20th century.

PROFESSOR: All right, everyone. I don’t want to shop with any of you any more than you want to shop with me, so let’s split up and meet in the food court later.

HERMES: Sounds jammin’.

BENDER: So long, jerkos. I’m off to get Calculon’s autograph – to hell with that restraining order!

Leela and Hermes head in one direction, Fry and Amy in another.

ZOIDBERG: (with his arm around the Professor) Well, old friend, it looks like it’s just you and –

PROFESSOR: (running away) Someone – ANYONE – wait for me!

ZOIDBERG: So we’ll just catch up later then?

Elsewhere…

AMY: Druck. I can’t believe I ACTUALLY came here.

FRY: What’s the big deal?

AMY: Flea markets are like a giant vat of loser gumbo. You’d never catch me hanging out with any of these dorks!

DORK #1: Hey, Amy, you never called after out date!

DORK #2: Amy, is that you? You still haven’t come by to pick up the underwear you left behind…

DORK #3: Amy, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you! The tests came back negative, thank God!

FRY: (not caring) Hey, check it out… (admires a clothing stall) Wow! It’s like all the cool kids died and left their clothes behind.

MERCHANT: That’s actually what happened. But you seem to have that unspoken thing that makes you just as cool as they were!

FRY: Really? What is it?

MERCHANT: Uh, it’s, um… best left unspoken.

FRY: (angrily holding up a torn and bloody shirt) You’re actually selling this shirt for ten bucks?!

MERCHANT: Uh, well, if it’s that blood stain you’re worried about –

FRY: This is one of those fake Tommy Hilfiger shirts they used to sell in Times Square! I won’t pay more than NINE for it!

MERCHANT: Well, since you drive such a hard bargain… SOLD!

Across the way…

SMITTY: You can’t harass celebrities on our beat without a press pass!

BENDER: Oh, right! Like you’ve never asked anyone to sign your dipstick before! Prude!

URL: You damn right!

Bender walks past a store called “Randy’s Coins, Collectibles & Crap”

BENDER: Nogoodlawsprotectingtheinnocent—

RANDY: I see you’re a Calculon fan. Maybe I can interest you in this…*holds up an award* Calculon’s award for Best Pre-Programmed Performance on “All My Circuits.”

BENDER: Oh-your-God! Where did you get THAT?

RANDY: Don’t you worry your shiny little head about that. All you need to know is there’s MORE where it came from.

BENDER: *marveling at the merchandise, which includes a Slurm sign with Robot Santa, a jet pack, and two leaking bags labeled “Human Organs”* Look at all this beautiful, exquisite crap! People actually buy this junk?! *holds up a complete Family Guy collection*

RANDY: Well, not THAT, but everything else! Let me tell you about people—if there’s one thing they love, it’s everything!

BENDER: “People… love… everything…” My name’s Bender, and if you can school me in the art of selling crap, I’ll provide you with all the crap you can sell!

RANDY: *they shake hands* Randy’s the name, crap’s my game!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

PROFESSOR: Oh, sure—you say this weapon can annihilate the world’s population, but seeing is believing. I’ll buy no doomsday device unless I can test it out first.

LEELA: Hmmm? *looks into a small cage* Ooh, look at you, you little cutie. What’s your name?

OLD WOMAN: That’s “Wendy the Warmuff.” She’s very loving and needs a good home. And if you’re worried about her value, her worth is going up now that her parents have passed away.

LEELA: *scratches Wendy’s chin* You mean she’s an orphan?

OLD WOMAN: Oh yes. The LAST of her kind. You see, when she was born, she was spayed, ensuring that when all the rest of her family was gone, she’d be worth a great deal to collectors.

LEELA: So these animals are collectibles?

OLD WOMAN: Of course. Wendy’s a “Needy Newbie”. They’re all the rage. Haven’t you heard of them?

LEELA: No, I don’t get out much—

OLD WOMAN: The eye. I understand.

INEZ: Oh my god! That’s Wendy the Warmuff!! Oh, Leo! You don’t know how long I’ve been looking for this Newbie!

LEO: Ah, more nonsense to spend my leisurely-earned money on! I’m going to ride the mechanical hoverbull in the food court!

INEZ: How much for Wendy? Name your price!

OLD WOMAN: Well, let’s see, Beckett’s Stuff-Your-Mom-Threw-Out Monthly has her listed at $250…

INEZ: $1000 it is!

OLD WOMAN: Oh my, that certainly is tempting—*snatches the cage from Leela* she’s all yours.

INEZ: I’ll get your cash from my ATM. *gets bills from a small personal ATM, pays the woman, and turns to Leela* I feel like we’ve met before. There’s something distinctive about your face, but I just can’t put my finger on it…

LEELA: I’m Leela. I work with your daughter Amy at Planet Express.

INEZ: Right! You’re Amy’s friend who can’t get a man! She talks about you all the time! So you collect Newbies, too? How many do you have?

LEELA: None yet, but they are really cute—

INEZ: Say no more! You start your collection today! My treat!

LEELA: Oh no, I really couldn’t—

INEZ: You will! Collecting Newbies has filled the void in my life that infinite riches and owning the planet Mars could not. This one isn’t as nice as the others, but it suits you. *holds out a green Newbie* If you’re interested, there’s a weekly collectors meeting at our ranch on Mars. Bring your Newbie and your hideous friend, too.

LEELA: Thank you, Inez. I will.

INEZ: Please, call me Mrs. Wong. Ta!

ZOIDBERG: An invite to congregate and meet new friends? My psychic was right—I am becoming a social butterfly!

Later that week…

ZOIDBERG: *in a space taxi to Wong Ranch* … So then St. Michael asks the great white shark what he’s done to deserve entrance into heaven, and the shark says “Heaven? I thought this was the line for all-you-can-eat chum!” Ho,ho,ho… *follows Leela to the front door* “Free chum!” Get it?

LEELA: No. I refuse to.

ZOIDBERG: Oy, everything has to be with the irony for you young people nowadays!

ALIEN BUTLER: Yes?

LEELA: We’re here for the Newbie meeting?

ALIEN BUTLER: How sad. This way…

LEELA: Look Zoidberg. I want you to behave yourself. There’s going to be lots of nice things in this house that you’re not used to, like bathrooms, beds, and FOOD.

ZOIDBERG: Leela, you worry for nothing. I know just how to play these “high society” affairs. I’ll be the picture of class.

A few moments later…

ZOIDBERG: *crams hors d'oeuvres in his mouth* Oh, the food is heaven! And there’s so much! So THIS is how the other 98% live!

INEZ: Your friend acts like he hasn’t eaten in days.

LEELA: I’m really sorry about his behavior, Mrs. Wong.

INEZ: Don’t be. That’s the food left over from our meeting two weeks ago! So, how do you like your new friend?

LEELA: Ali’s great. Although I can’t wait to get another, so she’ll have a playmate.

INEZ: Oh no, that will decrease their value! You can’t let them touch until you have the entire set.

LEELA: Do you just keep your Newbies locked up in cages all alone?

INEZ: Of course! That’s what pets are for! Oh! Time to start the meeting!

LEELA: Zoidberg, I thought I told you to be cool!

ZOIDBERG: Relax. Zoidberg is all about the cool. *belches, holds stomach* Ohhh, I should have gone easy on the pigs-in-electric-blankets.

INEZ: Welcome to the monthly meeting of Needy Newbie Neighbors! As always, it warms my heart to see everyone gathered here by their common bond of making money off collectible merchandise, living or otherwise. And if my calculations are correct, Hattie’s Newbie collection increased in value by 33% over last month! Congratulations, Hattie!

HATTIE: *amongst applause* Thanks, everyone. Now please, whachacallit—shut the hell up!

INEZ: I’d also like to welcome two new members to the group. Leela from planet Earth, and… and her hideous starving friend!

LEELA: *more applause* Thank you, everyo—

ZOIDBERG: Hello, people! I’m Dr. Zoidberg, and I’m available for all social engagements! *applause abruptly stop*

INEZ: On that note, let us officially begin the meeting as we always do by paying homage to the greatest collection of Needy Newbies in the galaxy—mine! Curtains! Le collection Du Wong! Only two more, and it’s complete!

ROBOT: Amazing!

LARRY: It just keeps growing!

HATTIE: Oohhh!

LABARBARA: Exquisite!

INEZ: Per our usual routine, we will begin with each member’s update to their collection, ending, of course, with mine. Who would like to go first?

ZOIDBERG: Ooh, me! Please, rich human lady, please?!?

INEZ: Oh, all right.

ZOIDBERG: Hello again, good friends. My Newbie’s name is Karl The Kruelon. And though he may not be the prettiest or the most valuable, he needs love just as much as the others. *holds up a green furred, sickly looking animal*

LABARBARA: Love of Jah, save us!

HATTIE: Somebody shoot it!

ZOIDBERG: What’s wrong? He just needs a little TLZ!

LARRY: What’s “TLZ”?

ZOIDBERG: Tender loving Zoidberg!

INEZ: Uh, that was a horrific presentation, Dr. Zoidberg. Thank you very much!

ZOIDBERG: I didn’t get to tell the story about how I diagnosed Karl’s scabies—

INEZ: Since we’re short on time, let’s get to what everyone is really here to see—my collection! Now if you will all turn your attention to my magnificent—

LEELA: Excuse me, but my friend wasn’t done. And I’d like to present MY Newbie, if that’s all right…

ZOIDBERG: They may not understand, Karl, but I do.

INEZ: My group, my rules! Besides, no one else’s collection even comes close to mine!

LEELA: I thought the point of this group was to share our Newbie experiences with each other!

INEZ: Like what? How yours cuddles up in bed with you every night because you can’t get a man to do the job?

LEELA: HEY! How did you kn—I mean, that’s a lie! You think you’re better than me just because of your money and your stupid Newbie collection?

INEZ: “Think”? Thinking is for poor lowers, like you and your pitiful friend here! I KNOW!

LARRY: Oooooooh.

LEELA: That’s IT! I’m going to find and buy those last two Newbies, so you’ll never be able to complete your collection!

INEZ: Ha! You have a better chance of getting married than beating me and my money! And we all know THAT’S not happening anytime soon!

HATTIE/GIRL: Ohhhhhhhhh.

LEELA: I don’t care how much dough you have, you’re going down, moneybags!

INEZ: Bring it, eyeball!

ZOIDBERG: Leela, don’t do it! It’s suicide!

LEELA: *grabs Zoidberg’s claw* Come on, Dr. Zoidberg. We’re out of here!

ZOIDBERG: Why do I have to go? I’m networking. We can be friends, Leela, but you can’t possess me…

INEZ: So long, Leela! Get used to that Newbie, ‘cause it’s the only one you’ll ever see up close and personal! Hahahaha!!!

The next day…

Fry, Leela, Zoidberg, and Hermes are around the conference table, while Bender and Randy gather junk to sell. Fry is dressed in clothes he seemingly found at the flea market: a yellow fedora, blue visor glasses, orange jacket, blue and sparkly red parachute pants, and a gold peace medallion.

LEELA: … And that’s when Zoidberg and I walked out!

HERMES: Leela, I understand your conflict with Mrs. Wong, but defending Zoidberg? Are you not feeling well?

LEELA: Well, I admit, that was out of character…

PROFESSOR: Good news, everyone! We have a delivery to Colgate 7, the toothbrush capitol of the universe!

FRY: *chews caramel* What’s the package?

PROFESSOR: It’s a shipment of used dentures for laser dental floss testing. Why, not that I think about it.,, *takes teeth out* Now would be a good time to trade up! *switches teeth with a set from the box* There! Another contribution to the progress of mankind.

FRY: I wish I could do that with my teeth.

HERMES: Bender, who’s this vagabond acting like your shadow ‘round here?

BENDER: Oh, uhh, this is, uh, my new assistant, Randy!

HERMES: But you do absolutely nothin’ upon nothin’—why in the world do you need an assistant?

BENDER: Because there’s just not enough time in the day for all the screwing-off that I need to accomplish!

HERMES: *to Randy* I’ll be watchin’ you.

RANDY: *quietly to Bender* His hair would make a great wig.

BENDER: Is there a high demand for dreadlocks?

RANDY: It’s a seller’s market!

A little later…

AMY: Leela, I hope your differences with my mom don’t affect our relationship. Despite your old-maid habits and middle-class standing, I consider you a true friend!

FRY: The boss package is ready for its groovy delivery!

PROFESSOR: Fry, what is that nonsense you’re spouting?

FRY: I’m just layin’ down the dopest slang from back in the day, home skillet! It’s part of my new scene!

PROFESSOR: Well, stop it! Your stupidity is particularly annoying today.

HERMES: Professor! *pointing to his now bald head* Look what they did! Someone come and took my beautiful hair!

PROFESSOR: Whuh?

HERMES: Not only that, but your doomsday device, Leela’s books-on-tape series, “Who says you need a sex life?,” and Bender’s “Gluteus Waximus” are all missing!

BENDER: Hey!

RANDY: Oh. Sorry.

PROFESSOR: We have a thief among us!

AMY: But who could it be?

FRY: No one really stands out!

RANDY: I thought I saw the crab-man wearing a dreadlock wig earlier.

HERMES: I knew it! You’re the thief!

ZOIDBERG: No! I was molting earlier! I have the shell to prove it!

PROFESSOR: We’ll just have to investigate further once Fry, Leela, and Bender get back from the delivery—

BENDER: No, Professor! You cannot ask me to leave when there is such a fiend on the loose! I will stay and help find the thief, no matter how smart, witty, and handsome he may be!

Fry and Leela board the ship, while the Professor, Randy, Bender, and Amy leave.

Hermes: I hope you like jerked crab, you jerk crab! That’s what you’ll be when I’m done wit’ ya!

Soon…

FRY: I still don’t get what the big deal is, Leela…*inside the ship, he pours himself some coffee* I mean, so what if Inez Wong has a better Needy Newbie collection than you. The woman’s got more money than God.

LEELA: Her collection isn’t the point! She thinks that just because she’s rich she’ll always have the best of everything, and I’m going to prove her wrong! That’s why I’m searching the universinet for whoever owns the last two Newbies Inez needs for her collection.

COMPUTER: Leela, you’ve got more freaking email!

A console begins beeping.

FRY: Hey, Leela, there’s an annoying red light flashing over here…

LEELA: Not now, Fry! I found someone who owns one of the Newbies I’m looking for!

FRY: But—the ship is going ka-flooey for no apparent reason!

COMPUTER: I don’t like your attitude, Fry. *arms come out of the console and begin choking him*

FRY: Gak! Gak! GAK!

LEELA: Prepare for a change of course! We’re headed back to the flea market! *notices Fry’s “predictament”* Fry, stop playing with the autopilot. There’s no time for that nonsense!

COMPUTER: *releases him* I feel better. How about you, delivery boy?

FRY: *wheezes and gasps*

LEELA: Get ready, Fry… We’ve got shopping to do!

Soon…

Fry and Leela are at a stand, talking to two aliens with tie-dyed skin.

MALE ALIEN: This is Julia the Junewhip, but I can’t sell her to just anyone… you gotta have love in your heart. Tidal waves and monsoons of it!

FEMALE ALIEN: Do you have that kind of love inside?

LEELA: Earthquakes and hurricanes of it!

MALE ALIEN: That’s what I love to hear. Congratulatons—

INEZ: WAIT! I want that Newbie!

LEELA: Tough! I got here first, fair and square!

INEZ: Fair and square is for losers! Winners let their wallets talk! How much?

FEMALE ALIEN: This isn’t about money, it’s about love, and—

INEZ: *holds out a wad of cash* I’ll give you three times whatever she offered.

Both aliens stare at each other for a second

MALE ALIEN: Sold.

LEELA: I was here first! This isn’t fair!

INEZ: Don’t pout, Leela. Once I buy the last Newbie I need, I’ll forgive you for your poorness and invite you back over so you can admire what was almost yours, okay?

FRY: Wow, that was nice of her to invite you-- *is elbowed in the stomach by Leela* OOMPF!!

A few minutes later…

Fry and Leela are walking among the flea market patrons.

FRY:…and it was at that moment that I knew there would never be a greater rock-n-roll band than Kajagoogoo. You want me to sing one of their songs for you?

LEELA: Not now.

FRY: Aw, come on, Leela. There’s gotta be something that can cheer you up… Look!

They stop at a stall tended by Randy and Bender wearing a rainbow afro wig, eyepatch, and a ‘Who died and made you Elvisbot’ t-shirt as a disguise. The stall is filled with the stolen things from Planet Express. Fry holds up one of his spare red jackets.

FRY: Whoa, check out the hip threads! Who’s the idiot that let this stuff slip away?

BENDER: Why that belonged to a real jackass human I used to-- *looks up* --Fry! Fry—Fry—frightening face you have there!

FRY: Hey, you look familiar. Are you a bender unit?

BENDER: A bender?! Surely you jest! I wouldn’t be caught dead acting like one of those lovable ad sexy fellows!

LEELA: Hey, Fry… These look like some of the parts that are missing from the ship. That must be why the autopilot malfunctioned!

FRY: And here I thought he was just jealous of my infinite natural gases!

LEELA: Excuse me, sir. I’d like to purchase these parts.

RANDY: Sure. Anything for a star… Hee hee hee hee…

Leela sighs, picking up a video titled “Zapped!” with she and Zapp Brannigan on the cover.

Back on the ship…

FRY: (singing) “’Cause you’re too shy shy, hush hush, idoewhy”…

COMPUTER: Leela, you’ve got more damn mail!

The console reads:

Leela,
have the rare Newbie you are looking for. Please come to Nosferatu 4 and meet me in the boneyard. Coordinates to follow.

Dr. Runefield

P.S. For your own sake, be here before sundown.

LEELA: What’s the use? I’m just going to get there to find Inez Wong has bought the whole damn planet to keep me from beating her. Maybe she’s right. Maybe money DOES conquer all…

FRY: No way! Inez may have buttloads of cash, but you’ve got a secret weapon—me!

LEELA: How are you a secret weapon?

FRY: ‘Cause I got a motivational story and it goes a little something like this. When I was a kid, I had the best Garbage Pail Kids card collection in the whole neighborhood. But then one day Rusty Steele wanted to buy my collection, so I sold it to him. But before I could walk away, he beat me up and took the money back. Then I went home, where my mom sent me to bed without dinner for forgetting to pick up her cigarettes and moon pies, and my dad got hammered on Jack Daniels and Mr. Pibb, and cursed Al Bundey for having the life he wanted.

LEELA: Fry, how in the world is that supposed to inspire me?

FRY: I don’t know, but isn’t it funny how I knew a guy named Rusty Steele?

Leela sighs and the Professor comes up on the console.

PROFESSOR: Leela! Thank God I found you! Not-so-good news concerning your Newbie!

LEELA: What’s wrong?

PROFESSOR: Well, Dr. Zoidberg was looking after the little bugger as per your request… So he took your Newbie out and sat him on the counter next to his.

FLASHBACK ZOIDBERG: Oh, has there ever been anything more precious? I say never ever wever!

PROFESSOR: As Dr. Zoidberg cleaned their cages the two creatures took hands and became one!

FLASHBACK ZOIDBERG: Oh, and look at all the wittle gifts you left for daddy! *sees the hybrid Newbie* What’s this?

PROFESSOR: Upon seeing the transformation, Zoidberg quickly alerted me to the situation and I ran some tests! I put the creature in my alien thought decodanator and discovered something most disturbing!

FLASHBACK PROFESSOR: *the projected thoughts show four evil looking aliens standing around a Newbie* This is most disturbing! These cute little animals are actually the genetically-altered product of an evil intergalactic corporation! *the scene changes to an alien next to a board, showing one Newbie plus another Newbie equals a bigger Newbie* When one touches another, they automatically merge into one being! According to the corporate plan, when one of each kind of Newbie is finally gathered together… *the scene changes again, showing a huge Newbie destroying various buildings* … they will form a single gargantuan creature with a solitary goal…

FLASHBACK ZOIDBERG: To fill us with so much love and joy our hearts will burst?

FLASHBACK PROFESSOR: Worst! To rule Earth and destroy the human race!

PROFESSOR: Once together, no cage in the universe can keep the Newbies from combining their energies and becoming one!

LEELA: Oh no! Inez Wong is only one Newbie away from having the entire collection! If she finds that last Newbie…

PROFESSOR: We’ll be lorded over by the most lovable creature since the attack of the mutant preemies of Cabbage Patch Nebula!

LEELA: Come on, Fry! We’ve got a planet to save!

FRY: Which one?

The Planet Express ship flies into the middle of ships all shooting at each other.

LEELA: Uh, oh. Star fair at 12 o’clock. Fry, check the traffic report!

FRY: Right!

NEWSCASTER: “…and as we take a look not at the traffic on Route 66.KI-5-1, we’ve got a back-up due to and overturned starship spilling chicken coops onto the throughway. And for those of you in the Stoker Sector, look out far a sig alert due to a massive starship battle that should have traffic logjammed there for the next couple hours.”

LEELA: (pilots the ship into the melee) Nuts to that! Hang on, Fry! We’re goin’ in!

FRY: WAAAA-HOOO!

The ship takes a rear hit.

LEELA: Oh no! Engine two is out! Fasten your seatbelt, Fry! It’s going to a bumpy landing!

One bumpy landing later…

LEELA: This is it! Nosferatu 4!

The pair wander through a foggy graveyard.

FRY: Uh, Leela, can we make this quick? This place puts the “Ook” in “Spooky.”

LEELA: If I’ve followed the coordinates correctly, the meeting place it right—*looks into a mausoleum, seeing Inez and a man with scruffy hair, glasses, and slightly torn clothes* here!

FRY: Amy’s mom! Inez Wong! Of the family Wong!

DR. RUNEFIELD: Now this is bloody cheeky! And who might you blokes be?

LEELA: Inez, that God we got here in time—

INEZ: Afraid not, Leela. I beat you to the punch, and, once again, I must gloat obnoxiously about it!

LEELA: No, Inez, you’ve got it all wrong! You CAN’T put that Newbie in your collection—They’re dangerous!

INEZ: What?!

LEELA: They’re waiting to all be joined together so they can morph into one giant creature intent on conquering the universe for and evil corporation!

INEZ: Ha! Nice try! But you’re a good storyteller—Big imagination, very funny. Ever thought of writing cartoon sitcoms?

FRY: No, she’s telling the truth! If you buy this Newbie, there’s not going to be an Earth or Mars to call home.

INEZ: Enough jabberwocky! I want that Newbie!

DR. RUNEFIELD: (sips from a broken teacup) Yes, well, I’m afraid you’re both too late.

INEZ/LEELA: What?!?!

DR. RUNEFIELD: It seems a gentleman also in the market for the Newbie arrived here just before the two of you, and as the saying goes, “First come, first served”!

LEELA: Who?

ZOIDBERG: It was ME!!!

INEZ/LEELA/FRY: Zoidberg?!?!

ZOIDBERG: That’s right! I’ve found some new, nonjudgmental friends in the Newbies, and I want to collect just enough to have some good friends but also keep the universe safe!

INEZ: Doctor, perhaps there’s some way we can work this out… *waves cash*

ZOIDBERG: Forget it! You can’t buy my friends!

LEELA: Thank you, Dr. Zoidberg. By doing this, you’re going to save mankind—

ZOIDBERG: Bah! What’s mankind done for me? Kicked me out of its libraries… chased me from its landfills… this is about love!

LEELA: But you’re poor! Where did you get money?

DR. RUNEFIELD: Money isn’t the currency I was looking for, miss. *holds up blood packs* The vampires keep me around because I get them blood. They don’t eat me, and I have the run of the place during the day… it’s a good system.

ZOIDBERG: I paid with a few samples I had lying around!

FRY: Vampires?! Like George Hamilton?

DR. RUNEFIELD: Sort of. Just not as handsome or tan.

LEELA: Well, I guess we can go. Trust me, Mrs. Wong, this is for the best—

INEZ: Just because your friend bought Reynaldo doesn’t mean I’m done! I’ll find some way of getting that Newbie, wait and see!

LEELA: *at the side of Inez’s hovercar* Wait, our ship is damaged! We need a ride back to Earth!

INEZ: Sorry, only room in here for Newbies and rich people.

FRY: Oh no! It’s getting dark! We’re gonna be vampire chow!

DR. RUNEFIELD: That’s about the length of it, yes.

ZOIDBERG: Don’t worry! Dr. Zoidberg will save the day once again, no? *points out a different car* I’ll just give you a ride home and we can come back for the ship tomorrow!

FRY: A hover-caddy?! Where did you get this?

ZOIDBERG: Where do you think I go home to every night? I don’t have the money for a fancy schamancy apartment, all right?

A large group of bats swarm on the horizon.

LEELA: Uh, we should go…

ZOIDBERG: Goodbye, Dr. Runefield. Perhaps we can meet again and exchange wacky stories of professional folly?

DR. RUNEFIELD: Jolly good, old sport!

INEZ: Wait for me! I’m stranded, too! My hovercar’s engine is out of oil!

ZOIDBERG: Never fear! The Zoidmobile can carry us all!

They drive off as the group of bats swoop down and take on their human forms.

DR. RUNEFIELD: Dinner time!

VAMPIRE: Runefield, you’re our savior! This will feed us for weeks!

DR. RUNEFIELD: Well, I do what I can—

VAMPIRE: Although we heard that “George Hamilton” comment.

DR. RUNEFIELD: Oh, yes, um, about that…

Later that day…

PROFESSOR: Although I’m usually advocate numero uno for dangerous experimentation, I’m only doing this to prove how close you came to disaster…

Two Newbies on the table touch and merge into one.

INEZ: My goodness! It’s true!

Nibbler, held by Fry, swipes wildly at the creature.

ZOIDBERG: (downcast) How many friends can one lose in a day?

LEELA: You see? I wasn’t trying to beat you—I was just trying to keep you from making an awful mistake.

INEZ: Thank you, Leela. I’ve seen the erroe of my ways. I’ll give up collecting the Newbies for more practical pursuits… like collecting grandchildren! Amy, let’s go find you a man and get started!

AMY: MOM! *is dragged away by her mother*

PROFESSOR: Good work saving the world, Leela. But I hope you learned a lesson from this.

LEELA: I sure did—no matter what your hobby is, always have fun with it or you’ll lose sight of why you started in the first place.

PROFESSOR: Well, you’ll have plenty of time to think about moralistic crap as you spend the next year or so paying for the damaged to my ship. Off you go!

HERMES: Ah, garnished wages—my favorite!

FRY: Well, that was fun, huh?

LEELA: Not at all. But I do hope that Newbie collection doesn’t fall into the wrong hands.

BENDER: Hey, guys! You’re not gonna believe this! Amy’s mom just offered to sell me her entire Newbie collection for a tenth of their worth! I’m gonna be rich! And I’m thinking, instead of keeping them locked up in their cages, I’ll open a petting zoo and let ‘em start reproducing. Whaddya think, guys? Guys?

Fry and Leela walk out.

BENDER: (in a caption bubble) Show’s over, meat bag!

Buddies