NEW YEARS EVE, 3001. 11:45 AND 58 SECONDS...
BOUNCEBY (looks similar to Gumby, but orange): Well, I guess this is it! Nothing left to do but jump! (jumps from atop of a large sky scraper) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
CROWD: GASP! (Bounceby lands in the midst of the crowd with a loud BOING!)
LINDA: Ha ha ha...Bounceby, the spongy T.V. Star with the heart of a superball, has successfully pulled off his annual jump from high atop Times Square! (Bounceby can be seen bouncing up and down in the background) Can we ever tire of watching him leap to what may be his untimely death? This reporter, for one, hopes not!
CROWD: (claps) Yeah! Woo-Hoo!
LINDA: Now let's go to Nick Clark who is filling in for his great great great great great great great great grandfather, Dick Clark's head! (Bouceby can bee seen getting hit by a low flying ship)
NICK CLARK: Thanks, Linda. My famous ancestor is suffering from a head cold this year. And when your entire body is a head, that's a hell of a thing. This year the traditional ball atop Times Square has been redesigned by Professor Hubert Farnsworth. The new ball uses over 1 Million Gigavolts of nuclear power, making it a Molotov Cocktail of laser energy, hydrogen, and natural gas so powerful that a single match flame could detonate it, incinerating the entire East coast... which is also what makes it so darned pretty!
WHILE AT PLANET EXPRESS...
A party is being held in the lounge. We see Leela and Amy, Professor, Fry, Leo and Inez Wong, Bender, Scruffy walking Nibbler, Zoidberg (staring at the food), and LaBarbara and Hermes. Everyone is dressed smartly, in tuxes and dresses.
FRY: Look at the people down there, all smooshed together in the street like a giant blood clot in the cholesterol-clogged heart of New New York!
PROFESSOR: Pipe down, Fry! I have GOOD NEWS to tell everyone!
HERMES: It wouldn't happen to be that you invented the new ball that's going to drop over Times Square at midnight, would it?
PROFESSOR: GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! Hermes is right about my good news!
FRY: (pointing to a hovering camera above the Professor's head) Hey, doesn't a blinking red light mean we're about to die?
BENDER: Either that, or the coffee's brewing!
PROFESSOR: Oh my no! That just means I'm about to be interviewed live via this satellite camera.
NICK CLARK: (on the T.V. In back of the Professor) Now let's go live to the inventor of this beautiful new ball, Professor Hubert Farnsworth! (Now on a split screen w/ the Professor) Happy New Year, Professor!
PROFESSOR: (Bender is seen in the background, waving) And the happiest of Holidays to you, Mister... (everything blacks out, and the camera falls to the floor, dead) Whuh?
Cut to times Square. It is pitch black, as New New York is blacked out. People are upset, and yelling from the crowd and their apartments...
CROWD: My lights! My stereo! My Probulator!
Back inside Planet Express...
AMY: What's happening?
PROFESSOR: It's my worst fear come true! The ball I invented used too much energy, resulting in a citywide blackout!
FRY: We need to counter it with White Out! Quick, to Hermes' supply closet!
LEELA: No, Fry. This means we have no power!
BENDER: No power, You say? Picking Pockets in Times Square will be like shooting puppies in a barrel!
HERMES: But we can't celebrate New Year's without the ball dropping over Times Square! It's as traditional as eating jerked grits for breakfast on New Year's morning!
FRY: We can still celebrate the New Year, guys. I mean we have our watches, right? We'll still know when midnight comes.
ZOIDBERG: Fry, A New Year's Eve without the dropping ball is like an Xmas without the fear of death!
AMY: Like the moon without funnel cakes!
PROFESSOR: Like a mad scientist without an unsuspecting Great Uncle to test his latest innovations on while he sleeps!
FRY: We still have each other! Maybe we can play a game or sing songs! Ooh, what about that time we posed 'What If' questions to that T.V. Thingy the Professor invented?
BENDER: Hey, I've got one... 'What if Fry took a look around and noticed we don't have power?' How is the machine going to work without electricity? New Year's Eve is ruined! Ruined!
PROFESSOR: Of COURSE it is! But we can still watch the What-if machine... (the Professor goes over to the table with the food on it, yanking the table cloth off of it, revealing the What-if machine) Here it is! (food and dishes crash everywhere)
LEELA: How is it able to operate?
PROFESSOR: I designed it to run on electricity OR batteries, just in case we ever needed to take it to the beach or pack it in an earthquake kit! Now who wants to go first?
BENDER: I got a doozy! Since Fry is always talking about his glorious 20th century, I can't help but wonder... 'What would happen if I traveled back to 1999?'
The machine activates, and fills the room with bright colors.
BENDER: (belches) BRAAAP!
NEW YEAR'S EVE, 1999, NEW YORK CITY...
Inside a filthy apartment
FRY: '... the handsome man with the orange hair appeared from out of nowhere and stood before the survivors of the apocalypse, greeting them with an ominous 'WHAT UP' '...
MICHELLE: Fry, stop writing that stupid story and get ready! New Year's 2000 is a once-in-a-lifetime thing!
FRY: I can't stop now, Michelle! I'm in 'the zone'! Besides, this is my final exam for that writing course I'm taking at Coney Island Community College!
MICHELLE: That was due SIX WEEKS AGO!
FRY: You can't rush the muse.
MICHELLE: Fine! If you want to spend the dawn of a new millennium writing a stupid story, then I'll just go have fun elsewhere! Maybe my 'friend' Jean-Claude down the hall can show me a GOOD TIME!
FRY: Love you too! (Michelle slams the door as she leaves) Just a few more pages to go and then I can watch that New Year's Eve staple, the 24 hour 'Diff'rent Strokes'-athon on T.V. Land... (phone rings) Hello?
MR. PANUCCI: Fry, it's your boss, Mr. Panucci! Ya gotta get down here and work 'cause I got nobody to deliver these pizzas!
FRY: But I asked for tonight off!
MR PANUCCI: Hey, I asked for a back wax and one'a those singing fish thingies for Christmas, but did I get them? NO! Now get your butt down here!
Fry: Yes sir.
In an alley nearby...
An old bum is reading a book 'Squatting For Dummies'. He looks over at crackling electricity... from out of nowhere, Bender arrives.
BUM: What the...?
BUM: You're... you're a robot?!? God HAS been listening to my prayers!
BENDER: (getting up, and looking at the bum) Are you Philip J. Fry?
BUM: No, I'm Mort, your new master, and together we'll crush the non-believers who called me mad when I predicted a society run by your mechanical brethren!
BENDER: (in mind's eye- 'Confirming subject Philip J. fry...Negative. Course of action?... Bendernate'.)
BUM: Now first things first... I need a phaser gun and a snazzy outfit. Something that screams 'Universal Overlord' but is wrinkle-free, and breathes... (Bender reaches out to him) Hey, what're you doing? ( A thunderbolt covers the scream of the bum) YAAARRRRGH!!!
MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN...
ZZZZZZZZZZAP! (Leela appears in front of Coney Island Community College, lying naked on the ground.
LEELA: Ohhh... where am I? Is this the past? (gets up, and sees a sign) Coney Island Community College? I MADE it! This is where Fry goes to school! (Two slutty girls walk by and see a naked Leela)
SLUT GIRL: I told you, Tina, We're wearing WAY TOO MUCH if we want to get 'A's' at this school.
INSIDE THE HALL, LAP DANCING 101...
INSTRUCTOR: (Scantily clad woman hanging on a pole)Today we'll study the roots of our rich stripping heritage, beginning with the very first lap dance given by Pocahontas. Open your books to chapter two...
LEELA: (peeking in the doorway) Um, excuse me...?
INSTRUCTOR: (unfazed by Leela's nakedness) Young lady, you know the dress code! Ya hafta wear a set of heels at least five inches tall to enter this classroom!
LEELA:(trying to cover herself) No, actually I'm not a student. I'm looking for one of yours... Philip J. Fry?
INSTRUCTOR: Oh, yeah. PIZZA BOY. He had to drop the course 'cause he could never make it through the first five minutes of class without excusing himself for some odd reason.
LEELA: (covering her boobs and nether region) Do you know where I can find him?
INSTRUCTOR: Well, he's always wearin' his delivery boy uniform from dat dere Panucci's Pizza in the city.
LEELA: Great. Thanks.
INSTRUCTOR: Sure. Hey, if ya don't mind me asking, what's with the eye?
LEELA: Uh, well, you see it was... I'm, uh... from the circus! And I had an accident! Yeah, that's right! It involved an elephant and a human cannonball...
INSTRUCTOR: (rolling her eyes) Geez, if I had a buck for every time a girl in my class told me THAT story.
LEELA: Uhh, one last thing... do you have something I could wear?
INSTRUCTOR: (narrows eyes, and grins evilly) Leather or lace, honey?
LATER, AT PANUCCI'S PIZZA...
MR. PANUCCI: Hey, Fry! Get off yer cannolli! I got pizzas need deliverin'!
FRY: (who has his typewriter sitting in a large wad of pizza dough) One more minute, Mr. Panucci! I just have to finish my story! THERE! My masterpiece is complete!
MR. PANUCCI: You tryin' to be a big-time writer like dem guys who writes those hilarious jokes on Dixie Cups?
FRY: Sort of. I don't know what it is, but I just feel like this story is my legacy... something that will affect things a long time from now! (removes the last page from the typewriter, and shoves his story in his back pocket)
MR. PANUCCI: (removing the typewriter from the pizza dough, and dumping his cigar ashes on it) Fry, ya gotta be more careful. Your typewriter was settin' on my good pizza dough!
FRY: Yes sir, Mr. Panucci!
MR. PANUCCI: (front door opens and closes ringing a bell) See who that is, willya?
FRY: (walking into the front lobby of the store) OH MY GOD! I've heard stories about your kind but I never thought they were TRUE! A CIRCUS FREAK!
LEELA: (dressed in a leather halter top, leather miniskirt, leather thigh high boots, a loose belt, and a fur coat) Are you Philip J. Fry?
FRY: OH NO! First you ask if I need a friend, then I go with you to your place, and the next thing I know I wake up naked with my ankles tied to my wrists on the bathroom floor next to an empty jar of tartar sauce. NO THANKS, Lady. I'm not falling for THAT again!
LEELA: I'm not a hooker, I'm...uh, one of the new Professors at Coney Island Community College! Professor Leela!
FRY: REALLY? Then why are you dressed like THAT?
LEELA: Uh... COMFORT. C.I.C.C. Is a very LIBERAL school. Anyway, your Professor told me about the short story you're working on, Fry. The one about the FUTURE. I'd like to read it.
FRY: GREAT! Funny you should mention it, 'cause I've got it right...
MR. PANUCCI: FRY! Pizza goin' out! C'mon!
FRY: (grabs the pizza and a six pack) Sorry, but I gotta work. Maybe I'll come by the school, and we can talk then.
LEELA: (follows him) WAIT! I want to read your story FIRST!
FRY: (walking out onto the street) Lady, I have to go. If you REALLY want to talk, you can deliver this pizza with me, Okay?
LEELA: Fry, I can't let you do this! The fate of mankind depends on you!
FRY: (now at his bike. Michelle and her new boyfriend are seen in a taxi driving by) Hey, I know what this is about...
LEELA: (shocked) You do?
FRY: Sure. You want me to be in YOUR class next semester, Professor Leela. But after my Lap Dancing 101 and Basic Hygiene Workshop classes, I don't have any free time. Maybe next year, though. (rides off on his bike) SEE YA!
LEELA: The story! Oh, I wish I had my Nike Running Pumps from the Future!
SOON, AT APPLIED CRYOGENICS...
LEELA: (running to catch up) FRY, WAIT! DON'T GO IN THERE! (looking up at the building) I have to get up to the Cryogenics lab before Fry does!
THIEF: (taking off on Fry's bike) HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Leela sees fry get into the elevator. Missing the elevator, she slips in to the stairwell and starts climbing the steps.
FRY: (in the elevator, scratching his ass and singing) ... A little bit of blah blah in my life, a little bit of dingly dang by my side...
LEELA: (running into the Cryogenics lab) FRY! STOP!
FRY: Pizza delivery for... I.C. Wiener... OH, NO!
BENDER: You're a DEAD MAN, Fry!...
FRY: AAAH! You're a...a...
BENDER: (holding a gun to Fry) A robot! A BENDING robot, to be precise! And I've come from the year 3001 to find YOU!
FRY: What? Why me? I can't even count to 3001!
BENDER: TRUE. And how do I know this, you ask? Because I am your best friend in the future, Fry. And you WILL be a dead man... unless you come with me!
LEELA: (pulling a gun of her own) Don't listen to him, Fry!
FRY: What the hell's going on?
LEELA: I'm here to save you from the BENDERNATOR, Fry! He wants to destroy you and your story so that it never makes it to the future!
FRY: But what does my story have to do with the future?
LEELA: In the year 2943, mankind is wiped off the face of the earth by a nuclear holocaust, save for a rebellious and fortunate few who have made it underground. Robots take over the world and begin to terminate any human being they find. That is until YOU came along! You were frozen in one of these cryogenic tubes on New Year's Eve 1999... tonight! When you awoke 1000 years later, you led the rebel humans into a war against the machines. You even convinced some of the robot forces to join you!
BENDER: And that's where I come in! I have become your most trusted friend and confidant in rebuilding a society of humans, robots, and aliens living harmoniously together!
FRY: But what does this have to do with my story?
LEELA: You kept the story with you in the tube, and because there are so few humans left who remember what society was like before the robots, the contents of the story became the doctrine by which all humans live! So let's have the story, Fry. The fate of mankind depends on you giving it to me!
BENDER: Don't do it, Fry! She's trying to TRICK you! SHE'S the REAL Bendernator! She works for the machines who want to see you and your Utopian future dead!
LEELA: (striking a pose) Come on, Fry, who are you going to believe? A HOT BABE like myself who loves living in a world where Jaegermeister has replaced dairy as one of the four food groups, or HIM, the monstrous, laser gun wielding robot from the future?
FRY: But I didn't write anything about Jaegermeister being a food group in my story!
BENDER: That's because I gave you the idea! You then made it an AMENDMENT in the Earth's constitution when you were elected President!
LEELA: ENOUGH! Come with me and live, or you DIE here with the robot! Either way, I'm TAKING THAT STORY!
FRY: But I thought I was vital to the survival of humanity! Not just MY STORY!
LEELA: Um, you ARE! That's why you have to come with me, to make sure you're 'taken care of'.
BENDER: Well, Fry, I guess you'll have to learn the HARD WAY... (Bender fires his laser pistol)
A MOMENT LATER...
Fry opens his eyes to see Bender standing over him holding a smoking gun.
FRY: Ohhhh... what happened? Am I dead? Hey, a robot. I had a feeling God kept a bunch of you guys here in heaven. How else would he get all that work done?
BENDER: You're not in heaven, Fry. You're alive on Earth, in the year 1999.
FRY: Wait. If you didn't shoot ME, tho WHO did you...? (looks down at Leela) You... KILLED her.
BENDER: Not yet. She's... A... (Leela slowly transforms into a...) BENDERNATOR!!! (Leela now looks like a giant Bender with guns for hands and circular saw blades on her shoulders)
FRY: AWESOME! I mean, oh, no!
BENDER: How else could a woman sprint ten blocks in five inch heels?
FRY: What are we gonna do? I have to get to the future in one of these tubes, right?
BENDER: (now seen with Fry through the eyes of the Bendernator: Target acquired: Bendernate at will) I'm afraid it's too late for that! She'll never let you do it! But there's always time for a SMOKE! (Bender shoots a bunch of the cryogenic tubes, releasing gas and smoke. The Bendernator starts firing blindly.) (whispers to Fry) Come on, Fry! We have to get you and your story out of here!
FRY: Let's go! (They make a mad dash for the elevator, just as the Bendernator comes out of the smoke filled room)
BENDER: Inside the elevator, Fry!
A MOMENT LATER...
FRY: So how do I get to the future NOW? (elevator 'dings')
BENDER: I'll tell you in a minute! We're stopping! Get behind me before that door opens! (the doors open and a tall brunette in a slinky blue dress is standing there)
TALL BRUNETTE: Oh my! Are you one of those MUGGERS I hear so much about?
BENDER: Oh, Uh... sorry about that. It's just a... toy. Some innocent New Year's fun, right?
TALL BRUNETTE: (enters the elevator) No harm done you NAUGHTY boys. (she playfully taps Fry on his nose)
FRY: How would you like to make time with mankind's last hope for the future?
BENDER: (as he sees the woman stop the elevator) Fry, WAIT! My sensors aren't picking up a heartbeat! She's an IT! (The brunette turns into the Bendernator)
FRY: (choking) GAK! GAK!
BENDERNATOR: (holding Fry by the throat about four foot off the floor) Give me that story!
BENDER: Oh no you DON'T! (Bender now has his arms wrapped around the Bendernator, holding it captive) Pick on someone from your OWN century! Restart the elevator Fry!
FRY: (hits the button) Got it!
BENDER: (as the Bendernator melts out of his grip) SWEET JESUS AND MARY CHAIN! It's MELTING out of my hands!
FRY: (running out into the lobby) Come on, Bender-robot guy!
BENDER: (from inside the elevator) It's morphing again! OOF! ( a loud 'CLANG' is heard, and Bender goes flying out of the elevator across the lobby) Comin' through! (gets up) OWIE! Curse my artificial pain sensor!
FRY: C'mon, let's VAMOOSE!
A MOMENT LATER...
In Times Square.
BENDER: (running through the crowd with the Bendernator following) Come on, Fry! There's a time portal to the future at the top of One Times Square! We have to get there before it closes at midnight! (we see the Bendernator walking through the crowd, changing into Michelle's new boyfriend) And keep your eyes peeled... with morphing capability, that Bendernator could be any one of these drunken idiots.
BENDERNATOR: (on a pay phone) Hello? Police? I'd like to report a kidnapping. A madman dressed as a robot has taken my friend, Philip J. Fry hostage, and they're at the One Times Square building...
FRY: (now in front of One Times Square- the clock shows 11:59:02) Hey, how come YOU can't transform into things like that OTHER Bendernator?
BENDER: He's a newer model. I'm KEEPING IT REAL. I'm OLD SCHOOL. Now we've got less than a minute to get to the portal!
FRY: The elevator will take too long! If only we had some rocket shoes or a trampoline!
BENDER: I can get us there, but you'll have to ride in my chest. (opens his chest door)
FRY: Piece of cake. I once slept in a dryer for a whole year on a dare!
BENDER: Whadya get for it?
FRY: Only the world's biggest lint collection, my friend!
A MOMENT LATER...
BENDER: Comfy, Fry?
FRY: (crammed inside Bender) I think my ribs are RIPPING INTO MY SPINE...
BENDER: GREAT! AWAY WE GO! (Bender extends his legs, and reaches the top of the building. Fry falls out, onto the New Year's Ball) WE MADE IT, Fry! Now jump into the portal!
FRY: (now standing on the ball with Bender) Well, goodbye New York. I'll see you in a thousand years.
BENDER: Not unless you get into that portal NOW! ( A Police Helicopter flies overhead)
POLICE: HALT! This is the POLICE! Release the ORANGE -HAIRED GEEK, or we will SHOOT!
FRY: Are they talking to US? (The crowd below starts to cheer and count down from '10')
FRY: OH, NO! The ball is DROPPING! AND SO ARE WE! We're too far from the portal!
BENDER: We're not going to make it, Fry! And I can't be taken alive! In the wrong hands, my technology is too dangerous! I'm going to have to SELF-DESTRUCT and YOU'RE going to have to find a way to get your story to the future WITHOUT me!
CROWD: NINE!... EIGHT!... SEVEN!...
FRY: But we're FRIENDS! I CAN'T let you do this!
BENDER: I'm not the important one, meatbag, YOU ARE! Mankind DIES unless you get to the year 3000! Now jump! (he points to a bunch of firefighters holding a large net)
CROWD: SIX!... FIVE!... FOUR!... THREE!...
FRY: Goodbye, Robot-man-from-the-future! (shakes Bender's hand)
BENDER: Goodbye, Fry!
CROWD: TWO!... ONE!... (Fry jumps into the net, and Bender hits his 'Self Boning' button)
FRY: (Looking up) GASP! My STORY... it's still in the robot's chest! (Bender explodes in a bright light)
CROWD: YAY! / THE NEW MILLENIUM! / PARTY LIKE IT'S 2000! / I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE!
FRY: (still looking up) My story... getting sucked into the portal! (Confetti and pieces of Bender come raining down) POOR BENDERNATOR! But at least my story made it to the future. As long as it exists, there should still be HOPE for the human race!
SOMEWHERE IN THE YEAR 3000...
A desolate barren landscape. Zoidberg is seen wearing rags, looking for food in a pile of garbage.
ZOIDBERG: COME ON! One measly crumb for New Year's isn't TOO MUCH to ask! (looks up to see the portal open above him) WHAT HO? ( the story falls on him- he reads it...) 'FUTURINO: What The World Will Be Like In 1000 Years' by Philip J. Fry. Hmmm. Maybe I can take off this cover page, put MY NAME on the story and sell it for FOOD!
SIX MONTHS LATER...
MORBO- (Interviewing Zoidberg via Satellite) Welcome back to √2 News. Morbo now welcomes EARTH PRESIDENT, DR. ZOIDBERG, who has ridden his radical doctrine 'FUTURINO' all the way to the WHITE HOUSE! Morbo demands that you tell us how you came up with the ideas in your MANIFESTO, Dr. Zoidberg!
ZOIDBERG: (Live from the White House) Honestly Morbo, it just WROTE ITSELF!
BENDER: (The What-if scenario ended) Well THAT stunk up the joint!
PROFESSOR: Hear, hear!
ZOIDBERG: IT'S THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD!
LEELA: (looking up at the lights) Hey, the power's BACK!
HERMES: (looking at his watch)SWEET CROW OF BORDEAUX! It's 12:38! We MISSED New Year's!
BENDER: And just when I was starting to feel INEBRIATED!
FRY: We didn't miss it Hermes! The New Year isn't a MOMENT! It's a THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FOUR DAYS of hope for a BETTER TOMORROW! And look- the Professor's ball HASN'T dropped yet! It's still on year 3000 time! COME ON, EVERYBODY! (everyone looks out the window at the ball dropping) HAPPY NEW YEAR, GUYS.
LEELA: You too, Fry. Too bad you didn't get to go pick pocketing, huh, Bender?
BENDER: (reaching into LeBarbara's purse) Yeah, sure, WHATEVER you say. Just KEEP LOOKING at the PRETTY LIGHTS.
HATTIE: (in a caption bubble) It's the whachacallit... THE END!
(EXTRA)! THE CONTINUUM LESS TRAVELED
PROFESSOR: SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS, I'VE DONE IT! I've created THE TIME MACHINE!
LEELA: Can it really send people into the future?
PROFESSOR: Oh MY YES! You'll be able to see how your life turned out, or in Zoidberg's case, how it may have ended TRAGICALLY at the hands of a RAGE-FILLED Hermes!
BENDER: Oh! I wanna go FIRST! I planted microscopic space maggots on Fry's TOILET SEAT, and I gotta see what happens when they bore into his system!
PROFESSOR: Sorry, Bender, but I need to perform one FINAL test to see if humans can survive the journey.
FRY: How about me? I'M a human, and I've always wanted to see THE FUTURE!
PROFESSOR: No, Fry! As the inventor, I must take full responsibility for anything that happens, including the RICHES AND FAME of being the FIRST man to travel through time! (sets the machine) It's now 12:00. I'll set this timer, and in TEN MINUTES time, we will learn whether or not it works! (steps into the machine) See you on THE OTHER SIDE!
LEELA: Good luck, Professor!
BENDER: Bring me a T-shirt!
TEN MINUTES LATER...
The time machine is beeping repeatedly.
PROFESSOR: Whouhh...Whuhzitwha... OH MY! (looks at his watch) I did it! And I feel so REFRESHED! (steps out of the machine) GOOD NEWS! My invention WORKED! IT'S 12:10! I sent myself into THE FUTURE!
LEELA: No you didn't. You just FELL ASLEEP for ten minutes!
BENDER: We could hear you snoring the whole time!
PROFESSOR: Really? Well, HUZZAH! I've invented the world's most expensive ALARM CLOCK!