Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #8: Planet X-Press Men
Transcribed by Umbreon

PENNED WITH PRIDE BY: ERIC ROGERSDRAWN WITH DELIGHT BY: JAMES LLOYDINKED WITH IRONY BY: STEVE STEERE, JR.
LETTERED WITH LOVE BY: KAREN BATESCOLORED WITH CHARISMA BY: WICKY WEESEEDITED WITH A BIG RED SHARPIE BY: BILL MORRISON


Behold! Another miraculous milestone in the sense-shattering saga of the greatest delivery crew of all time!!

A robot that looks exactly like Bender, except with triangular plates bolted to the side of his head, struggles in a snowstorm.

ROBOT: Just… a few more… feet. So… very… BONED! *he falls forward into the snow, just hitting Planet Express’ doorbell*

AMY: Okay, Hermes! You can stop the blizzard! You killed the robot!

Hermes and Amy come out the front door, both of them wearing spandex superhero costumes. Amy is wearing black and red with a white streak in her hair. Hermes is in green with a cape.

HERMES: There! That’ll teach you dirty solicitors to come ‘round here with your promises of a robot-powered utopia!

AMY: Kruh! You’d think they’d LEARN by now! Well, we better pick him--*she kneels down and gasps as a flash of light forms where she touches the robot’s head* Oh no! He’s still alive! And when I touched him, I absorbed his ability to reboot himself at lightspeed! There’s not a robot designed with that technology!

HERMES: Sweet wolverine of Aberdeen! No one’s ever survived my Siberian blizzard power! Not even a robot MADE in Siberia! *he leaps up, causing another snow flurry* There’s only one weather catastrophe that can finish him off—the “El Niño Meaño”, smothered in lighting and topped with a generous portion of hail!

The Professor’s head shows up, surrounded by a blue aura.

PROFESSOR: Hermes, stop playing with the weather! Can’t you see we need that robot for our team?

AMY: It’s a telepathic projection from Professor F!

HERMES: But Professor, he’s a robot! How can he be one of us?

AMY: Did you use your telepathic powers to read his hard drive?

PROFESSOR: Oh my no! I just meant that I want to use his soon-to-be frozen corpse as scrap metal for ship repairs! Now let us, by which I mean YOU, lift the robot and bring it in. It is of the utmost importance that we--*Hermes creates a wind to lift the robot’s body, but also blows the projection of the Professor’s head* WHOA! Careful with that wind, Hermes! *the Planet Express ship flies in, shattering the projection between it and the side of the red building* Ow! My face! My precious face!

Soon, inside Planet Express H.Q….

*Hermes and Amy guide the unconscious robot to a table, while the Professor sits in a hover chair with a blanket covering his legs and Zoidberg hangs upside down from an iron bar wearing a red speedo*

PROFESSOR: Now, let’s do a diagnostic check of that robot’s hard drive before you rip him to shreds!

ZOIDBERG: So you can download his software to learn robot weaknesses for future battles?

PROFESSOR: No, I want to see if he has Snood! I love that game!

Fry and Leela exit the ship, both wearing their own costumes and covered in confetti. Leela is wearing mostly purple, with green gloves and boots and a visor. Fry has a red suit, yellow gloves and boots, and an orange sash around his waist.

LEELA: (pulls ribbons off her arm) Wow, that was the toughest peace-keeping mission yet! You’d think fighting aliens made of ribbon would be easy.

FRY: No kidding. If only there was a member of our team that could cut through things with blade-like appendages, we’d be invincible!

ZOIDBERG: Hey, I’ve got claws! I’m a cutting machine!

FRY: (not paying attention) Hey, what up with the funky-looking robot?

PROFESSOR: “What up” is exactly what we’re about to find out! *opens the robot’s chest* Let’s just take a little look-see inside before we start taking the robot apart. I once found a family of ferrets this way. But alas, they mysteriously ran away one day when Zoidberg was watching them for me.

ZOIDBERG: (salivates) Ohh, what a sad and delicious memory that is.

Inside the robot’s chest are different watches with price tags, a small guitar, and a mouse in a wheel powering his battery.

HERMES: Holy bong water! Professor, is that what I think it is? Is his skeleton made of—

PROFESSOR: Yes! The most illegal and indestructible metal in the universe—Titanasteelorium!

Zoidberg begins to reach into the cavity.

PROFESSOR: But why would a simple Bending Unit need a skeletal system this powerful?

The robot’s eye panel opens, three claws extend from the backs of his hands, he grabs Zoidberg, and holds the claws to his throat.

ROBOT: Claws off, bub! I don’t know what’s going on, but if you want lobster boy here to live, you’ll show me the way out!

ZOIDBERG: Help! Friends! He’s going to pierce my colon!

Leela, Fry, and Amy form a huddle.

LEELA: Well, it’s five super-powered beings against one! The odds are definitely in our favor!

AMY: So the only question is…

FRY: …who really wants to waste the energy?

The group turns to the robot.

LEELA: Uh, yeah, we’ve thought about it and decided that you can do what you want with Dr. Zoidberg.

HERMES: Just leave us the tail—that’s the meatiest part!

ZOIDBERG: (cries into his claws) So there IS karmic justice when it comes to eating someone else’s ferrets! *he sobs*

ROBOT: (circuits in his chest start sparking) Only… one thing… left to… do…

ZOIDBERG: He’s going ker-flooey!

The robot falls forward, swinging his claws at Fry on his way down.

LEELA: (gasps) I think he’s out of fuel!

ZOIDBERG: (scuttles away) Woooooo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!

FRY: (missing the rear of his costume) Did someone open a window?

PROFESSOR: Those CLAWS! That SKELETAL SYSTEM! Come on, team! We must hurry and get this robot refueled in order to find out the secrets behind his FREAKISH design! For he may be… one of OUR KIND!

A little later…

The robot is on a table, hooked up to a cigar smoke inhalator and two Olde Fortran I.V.s. The professor sits next to him and Zoidberg watches from a safe distance.

ROBOT: Ohhh… where am I?

PROFESSOR: There, there, robot. You’ll be fine. You simply ran out of fuel. You’re at my “School for Weirdos and Outcasts”. I’m Professor F.

ROBOT: What’s the “F” stand for?

PROFESSOR: I don’t remember! But tell me, who are you and how did you arrive here with us?

ROBOT: (sitting up) My name’s Benderine, but… I can’t remember anything else.

ZOIDBERG: Maybe you remember trying to poke a hole where the sun don’t shine on Zoidberg, hmmm?

BENDERINE: Oh, right, sorry about that. Hey, wait a second—if I attacked you, why are you being so nice to me?

PROFESSOR: Benderine, your design is of the highest caliber compared to the mediocre construction of robots of you ilk. I believe you were made special and then abandoned, like my super-powered team of misfits. If it’s all right with you, I’d like to do some more testing on you to see if I can find out why you were made the way you are!

BENDERINE: (strikes a match on Zoidberg’s head) Keep these stogies and brewskis coming, and you can probe around ‘til it hurts!

ZOIDBERG: It does hurt! It does hurt!

Later on in the hangar…

PROFESSOR: What I do, Benderine, is provide an atmosphere for the so-called “freaks” of the world to hone their gifts for the good of the universe. Then I give them a catchy moniker. For example, Leela’s nickname is “Uniclops” because of her single laser-blasting eye.

BENDERINE: Gee, didn’t see THAT one coming.

PROFESSOR: Ladies, may I present Benderine.

LEELA: Hey, Benderine.

AMY: Hiya.

LEELA: (shoots a laser through some underwear and burns out an “L”) There. All finished monogramming my underwear. This will teach that old woman in 3-B whose underwear belongs to whom in the laundry room!

AMY: (sits in front of an open book) Hey, Leela, will you help me with this math problem?

LEELA: No prob—(Amy touches her arm and causes a flash) HEY!

AMY: Ah, carry the THREE and divide by SIX! Thanks Leela! *once Leela leaves, she makes a face at her hand* GLEESH. Not only did I get the answer right, but now I feel lonely and desperate!

PROFESSOR: That’s Amy. She has the ability to absorb any being’s knowledge, feelings, or powers! But if she touches you for too long, she can suck you LIFE away! I wanted to nickname her “Wife Woman”, but that didn’t sound heroic enough. We finally settled on “Rouge” because of her floozy-like appearance!

In the lounge, Zoidberg huddles under a table to escape a small storm cloud that’s been conjured by Hermes and pouring rain while Fry sits watching tv.

PROFESSOR: You’ve already met Dr. Zoidberg, whom we cruelly refer to as “Lobstrocity”. He’s quite the beast, eh?

BENDERINE: I’m surprised he’s not locked in a zoo somewhere.

ZOIDBERG: I am not an animal!

PROFESSOR: And this is Hermes, a.k.a, “The Weather Mon”, whose special gift you can plainly see is the power to create and harness weather!

HERMES: Is it humid in here, or is it just me? Ho, ha, ha! I never get tired of that one!

PROFESSOR: Last and most-often least, Fry. He’s my long-lost uncle from the year 1999 and he has the same psychic abilities as me, albeit to a lesser, more moronic degree! We call him “Wonder Boy” because it’s a wonder he doesn’t get himself killed every time we have a battle!

FRY: (looking at his hand) Stupid telekinetic powers! I can’t even unscramble this porn channel!

BENDERINE: The name’s Benderine, Fry. I like your lack of style. *shakes his hand*

FRY: If you think THAT’S cool, wait ‘til I show you how much fun I have changing traffic lights and “don’t walk” signs!

BENDERINE: Wait. If Fry’s from the past, how did he get YOUR psychic ability? Wouldn’t YOU get the power from HIM?

PROFESSOR: Oh my no! Everyone here is a product of one of my failed experiments. Too much laser radiation here, a splash of electromagnetic pulsation there, and voila! You’re got a team of crime fighting mutants! Which is why I find you so intriguing. You’re the first robot I’ve ever seen with such an invincible construction. Those claws weren’t installed for making julienne fries! You were made for something special. Let’s go to the lab so that we might discover the nuts of bolts of your, er, well, nuts and bolts!

FRY: Don’t worry, Benderine. He just wants to run a few tests on you, and there are hardly any side effects. Besides the lip burn, the heart palpitations, and schizophrenic panic attacks, it was the easiest thirty bucks I ever made!

A little later…

Benderine is once again lying on a table with various wires connected inside his chest. The Professor and Leela stand near, while Fry is sitting at a computer console.

PROFESSOR: Well, Benderine, your memory has been erased up until the moment you arrived at our door. Which means someone doesn’t want you to remember why you were made the way you are.

BENDERINE: Could it be I was made too sexy? ‘Cause I sure feel like that could be it?

PROFESSOR: Anything’s possible! But just to be sure… I’ve attached these “core modulators” to determine the age and composition of your skeletal system metal. From there, we can enter the data to find out which companies have purchased the materials used to make you and when they did it to nail down who might be responsible for your existence! Start modulation!

Fry hits a button.

PROFESSOR: What’s the data reporting, Fry?

FRY: Verrry interesting. This readout shows that Benderine was made by an adventurous jungle explorer whose main talent seems to be his evasion of snapping crocodiles!

LEELA: (looking at the screen) That’s NOT the core modulator data! That’s “Pitfall”, you idiot!

FRY: Heh, heh. So it is.

Leela takes Fry’s seat and begins typing.

LEELA: Here we go, Professor. A list of all of the elements that make up Benderine’s titansteelorium frame, the age of the material, and the records of who’s purchased those materials in bulk over the past five years. This should get us somewhere!

A printer whirrs out the list and the Professor picks it up.

PROFESSOR: Gadzooks! It’s just as I feared! You were made by Momnetocorp! The company owned by out arch-enemy, Momneto!

The list reads, in part: Titanium, steel, Elmer’s Glue, used crack pipe glass, old taffy, jawbreakers, peanut brittle, fossilized French bread loaves, and teeth.

BENDERINE: Momneto? What’s that?

PROFESSOR: She’s another victim of my failed experimentation! She came to me wanted plastic surgery on her saddlebag hips, but instead left with the power to control metal through electromagnetic waves! Wait! That means she may have sent Benderine here to destroy us! Well, just try it, Bladey McCuttington! You’ll never get through my telekinetic force bubble!

Fry creates a force field around the professor and Leela, while she prepares to blast Benderine with a laser. The robot extends his claws and easily pops the bubble, leaving Fry looking surprised and Leela looking annoyed.

BENDERINE: I’m not here to hurt you, bub. I don’t know WHY I’m here. I just know kindness when I see it, and you’ve all been too nice to me as it is. *turns to leave* Thanks for everything, guys. If you ever need someone for shrub-sculpting or veggie-chopping, you know who to call.

FRY: (to Leela) Ghostbusters?

PROFESSOR: Benderine! Don’t go! We don’t know for sure that you were sent here my Momneto! This is a place for the rejects of society, and I think YOU, my robotic comrade, could be a big fat reject! *grabs Benderine’s hands* Stay here with us. I’ll train you to use your claws to fight for truth, justice and the mad scientist’s way.

BENDERINE: I don’t know. Leela doesn’t seem hip to the idea, and I don’t want to cause any trouble.

LEELA: (crosses her arms) If you were made by Momneto, you were made for EVIL. And I won’t believe otherwise until someone proves me wro—

PROFESSOR: (waves his hands around his head) Then it’s agreed! Benderine stays! HUZZAH! *he, Fry, and Benderine head down the hall* No time like the present to begin your training, Benderine! To the Laboratory!

BENDERINE: What’s up with Laser Lashes anyway? Does she have a bug up her butt or something?

PROFESSOR: Oh my no! I removed that Space Wasp nest from her bidet last week! Why do you ask?

Later…

PROFESSOR: (as a head projection) I think you have the potential to be a walking, talking Cuisinart on steroids, Benderine. But in order to achieve this, we have to hone your abilities… First, we’ll work on your combat skills facing live opponents…

A large fight goes on in the hangar, with Benderine at different stages of battle with the other members. He leaps over a laser blast from Leela, cartwheels around things thrown at him by Fry’s telepathy, and slashes ice cubes back at Hermes. His last swing goes wide and almost hits Zoidberg.

ZOIDBERG: Wait! I’m not part of the drill! Why always the slashing at Zoidberg?

PROFESSOR: (narrating) Next, we’ll get you up to speed on the history of super-powered weirdos and how to use our brains along with our brawn through classroom study…

The Professor (wearing the Fing-longer) points to a blackboard with two pictures of Leela on it. On the left is a picture of her using her laser vision to heat up food for Nibbler that is crossed out. On the right there is a check mark next to her blowing up a monster. Fry and Benderine are both turned around, smiling and waving at her while she does her best to ignore them. Amy sneaks a touch on Hermes while he’s not looking.

AMY: (thinking) I’ll get the answers to these test questions by touching Hermes… Ulp, now I have an overwhelming desire to file my lingerie by color, age, and material.

PROFESSOR: (narrating) After that, you’ll watch tapes of some of our greatest battles to learn about our enemies!

Benderine inspects a pile of tapes that are titled “Saving Earth from Momneto XIII, ‘98”, “Juggerbot takes Manhattan, ’01”, “Cybertooth vs. us Central Park, ‘99”, “Big misunderstanding with Spider-Jerk, ‘97”, and “Debbie Downloads Dallas”.

PROFESSOR: (narrating) Finally, there’s the team bonding cookout, where we’ll get to know you a little better thanks to the bonds of friendship, trust, and lots of tongue-loosening alcohol!

Fry munches on a Neptunian slug burger while the Professor, Amy, Hermes, and Zoidberg stand around Benderine, who is using his chest as a grill and holding food on his claws. He looks over at Leela, who’s sitting a bit away by herself to read a magazine and sunbathe, and sighs.

A few days later…

Steam comes from inside a room with a door labeled, “Men’s locker room and cheese fermentation closets”.

HERMES: Another GREAT day of training, Benderine! *inside, Hermes, Zoidberg, and Fry are wearing towels* The way you almost drove your blades between my eyes at the end was ART, mon!

ZOIDBERG: I laughed, I cried, I RAN FOR MY LIFE!

BENDERINE: Yeah, well, I guess I’m really getting the hang of these blades now. Pretty soon I won’t be able to control myself when trying to slice and dice you guys to pieces!

HERMES: Here’s hoping!

FRY: C’mon, X-Press Men! Cleanliness is next to demi-godliness! Let’s hit the showers!

BENDERINE: (notices a Xp m on Fry’s shoulder) Wait! Where did you get the sweet tattoo?

FRY: Oh, THAT? That’s something Leela gives everyone with her laser eye once they’ve made the team.

BENDERINE: Must be nice to be part of something. I hope I get mine someday.

FRY: Hey, Benderine, I hope you don’t mind my asking, but if you’re a robot, why would you NEED to take a shower with us?

BENDERINE: (holds up a pink block on a chain around his neck) Where else would I use this cool-looking soap-on-a-rope?

ZOIDBERG: (nibbles his own soap) You mean this isn’t the pre-shower snack-on-a-rope? It has such a clean and refreshing taste!

A little later…

Leela sits in the lounge, listening to a radio.

RADIO: Us, and them and after all we’re only ordinary men. Me, and you, God only knows it’s not what we would choose to do…

LEELA: Man, if I could only harness my laser eye power into some sort of laser light show to go along with this music. I bet no one’s ever thought of THAT before!

BENDERINE: Uh, Leela?

LEELA: Ahh! Benderine! Don’t sneak up on me!

BENDERINE: Sorry. I just wanted to talk to you for a second.

LEELA: (shuts off the music) Yeah, well, what is it? I’m really busy right now.

BENDERINE: I just wanted you to know that if the Professor asks me to join the team, I’m going to EARN my “X” tattoo from you. I’m going to PROVE I belong here. I know I can’t remember what happened to me before I came here, but for some reason I feel like for the first time in my life I fit in. That I have a reason to EXIST. *he turns to leave* So anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. Sorry to interrupt.

LEELA: Hold on, Benderine. There’s something you need to see, and it can’t wait any longer.

A few minutes later…

The group, minus Zoidberg, is gathered around Benderine.

LEELA: We were going to give this to you at dinner tonight, but I don’t think we should wait any longer. You’ve EARNED it.

BENDERINE: (tearing up) It’s… it’s so beautiful.

PROFESSOR: Don’t worry. The cost will come out of your salary, just like everyone else. Because now It’s official… you’ve MADE THE TEAM! And just in time to introduce you to the public tomorrow night! Then the entire city can see my all-new legion of uncanny… Planet X-Press Men!

The group heads down the street, Leela, Benderine, Amy, and Zoidberg running while the Professor, Fry, and Hermes fly.

HERMES: C’mon mess with us. Make our day, mon!

LEELA: Welcome to the X-Press Men, Benderine… hope you SURVIVE the experience!

BENDERINE: (in his new yellow costume with blue stripes) Thanks! Uh, why are we running?

AMY: Big spandex sale at Macy’s! Gluh!

The next evening, as Mayor Poopenmeyer presides over a special ceremony…

The mayor stands behind a podium in front of Citihall. The X-Press Men are on the steps with him before a large group of people.

POOPENMEYER: Tonight, we honor the Planet X-Press Men for their courage, valor, and lack of sense in the face of imminent death. When mere mortals would run, these weirdos fight to the bitter end. Although if I looked like Lobstrocity, I’d wish EVERY DAY was the bitter end.

ZOIDBERG: (downcast) Ohhhh.

WOMAN: Zing!

MAN: He IS hideous!

SECOND MAN: Ha, ha!

POOPENMEYER: I present to you this plaque that says something or other about good deeds and whatnot, and this key to New New York City, designed and created by Dr. Ogden Wernstrom.

PROFESSOR: WERNSTROM!

THIRD MAN: Yeah!

SECOND WOMAN: Hooray for the weirdos!

FORTH MAN: Planet X-Press Men, we HONOR YOU!

FIFTH MAN: Woo-hoo!

PROFESSOR: Thank you, people of New New York. I accept this award on behalf of my team and would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to our newest member…

BENDERINE: (his claws extend as blue electricity crackles around his head) Ohh. Don’t feel so good… inhibition unit MALFUNCTIONING… uh, oh…

PROFESSOR: BENDERINE!

BENDERINE: (puts his arms around the Professor and Poopenmeyer with his claws still out and sings) Michael, row the boat ashore, HALL-E-LOOOOO-JAH!

POOPENMEYER: WAIT! Don’t kill me! I’ll put you on the city council!

The hair of everyone in the crowd begins to frizz out from static.

LEELA: You see? I TOLD you he couldn’t be trusted! He’s made by Momneto!

HERMES: Momneto? Of course! Now it makes sense! The malfunctioning inhibition unit…

FRY: Bendrerine’s inability to control his actions because he’s made of METAL…

AMY: My hair having more static than a radio in a dryer full of socks in the middle of the desert! It can only be because of one person…

VOICE: Make way for the MOTHER LOAD…

Mom, in a solid green costume with a cape and a large green metal helmet, floats closer covered in blue static.

MOMNETO: I’m STEEL CRAZY after all these years!

PROFESSOR: Momneto!? There’s nothing YOU could possibly want here!

MOMNETO: Wrong, you withered old stool sample! This is the perfect opportunity to show the world how dangerous you and your team of X-Pukes are with a little help from my pal Benderine!

LEELA: (points) So you ARE behind Benderine infiltrating our group!

MOMNETO: What was your FIRST CLUE, honey? And with TV crews all over to catch the action, it seems to me you hero-types will have a hard time convincing the world you don’t stand for the same evil goals as I do!

LEELA: Not if we just kick your butt like usual! Ready, X-Press Men?

FRY: Bring it on!

HERMES: Looks like stormy weather!

ZOIDBERG: And the quicker we’re done, the quicker we’ll get to celebrate our victory with a nice dinner!

LEELA: X-Press Men, ATTACK! *fires a laser*

MOMNETO: (charges up her electricity) Oh, I don’t like to receive… *her shield reflects Leela’s shot and sends it back at her, knocking off her visor* … I give ‘til it hurts!

LEELA: UGGGH!

MOMNETO: And just in case you get anymore BRIGHT ideas… *she uses her magnetic powers to pull the street sign off a post and wraps it around Leela’s face*

LEELA: (now blind) What the--?

MOMNETO: Now you two be good and sit TIGHT for me… *she tears up a strip of chain-link fence and wraps Amy and Zoidberg together back to back*

AMY: SCHLICK! I’m absorbing Lobstrocity’s powers! And oh my God, am I STARVING!

ZOIDBERG: It’s not just an ACT, people.

HERMES: How ‘bout a taste of what you’re dishin’ OUT, woman? *surrounds himself with bolts of lightning*

MOMNETO: (not the least bit intimidated) I think you need to LIGHTEN UP! *she rips up a light post and wraps him in it*

HERMES: AHH! Not only is she kicking our butts, but her puns are so appropriate!

FRY: Oh yeah? We’re not beaten yet! *dives at Momneto with his hands glowing*

MOMNETO: Oh, now I have to deal with the red-headed step-child of the bunch… *snaps her fingers, barely unscrewing a fire hydrant*

FRY: (gets splashed) Glagh! GLUGH!

The Professor sits in the middle of his incapacitated team.

MOMNETO: So, Professor F, seems your little team of snot-nosed do-gooders is out of parlor tricks! Anything else you’d like to try before I make you all the X-LIVING?

PROFESSOR: Er, uh… hmmm… how about THIS? *he throws his blanket off of his hoverchair and runs down the street with no pants*

HERMES: YOU’RE NOT PARALYZED?!

PROFESSOR: Of course not! I’m just LAZY! Off I go!

Leela has somehow gotten the sign off her face.

LEELA: (covering her eye to keep from blasting the wrong person) Looks like there’s no way out, Wonder Boy. It was nice knowing you.

FRY: Wait! There’s one last thing I need to try! That object on the ground is just what I need. *telepathically pulls it to him* YES! I did it!

LEELA: What is it? A laser gun? A SWORD?

FRY: No! An opened and abandoned can of Slurm! No one should die THIRSTY!

MOMNETO: Say your prayers, X-DORKS! I hear heaven only opens its gates to NORMAL PEOPLE! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Fry casually chugs his soda while Benderine continues to hold his claws to the Mayor’s throat.

BENDERINE: (singing) IT AIN’T ME, BABE! NO NO NO, IT AIN’T ME, BABE! IT AIN’T ME YOU’RE LOOKIN’ FOR, BAAAAAABE!

LEELA: (stumbling blind) Fry…? Fry…? *slaps him across the face* FRY!

FRY: OOOF!

Fry wakes up on the floor of the ship. Three pink aliens with guns and dressed like break dancers hold up the crew.

FRY: (yawns) What happened?

LEELA: You were knocked unconscious when the ship was attacked by the Electric Boogaloo Gang of the Bambaataa Sector!

BENDER: They’re a NEFARIOUS RACE of aliens who based their entire society on the films “Breakin’” and “Breakin’ 2”! Don’t make them angry or they’ll CABBAGE PATCH you upside the head!

FRY: (stands and throws up his arms) But I was having the most FANTASTIC dream! We were the Planet X-Press Men, and we had these super mutant powers, except we were called “weirdos”, and we were known throughout the universe for saving the day!

PROFESSOR: Fry, you idiot’s excuse for a moron! That was only a dream! We don’t have super powers and we’re about to get our rumps break-danced on, so shut your pie hole!

FRY: But don’t you get it? It wasn’t just a dream! It was a premonition of great things TO COME! If we use the powers we each had in the dream to fight this gang, WE’LL WIN!

FIRST ALIEN: Yo, HOME SKILLET! You best be shuttin’ yo’ mouth before I do “The Robot” on your robot here!

BENDER: (hiding behind Zoidberg) AHH! Not “THE ROBOT”! ANYTHING but The Robot!

FRY: We can DO this, guys! Bender had claws for hands, Hermes controlled the weather, the Professor and I used telekisomething to read minds, Leela had a laser eye, and Amy… well, Amy TOUCHED people a lot!

BENDER: Now THAT’S a dream I can get HIP TO!

FRY: I’ll fight them myself if I have to! Come on, MIND POWERS!

SECOND ALIEN: Yo, man, is this fool TRIPPIN’ or what?

FIRST ALIEN: I’m about to spin on his head, G! *raises his gun while Fry attempts to conjure his telekinesis* Don’t front on da Electric Boogaloo Posse!

A wind picks up, throwing papers and Slurm cans into the alien.

FIRST ALIEN: Ooof! Ouch! UGGH!

FRY: (amazed) Hey! Hermes’ wind power… It’s WORKING!

HERMES: (out of Fry’s view and having just open the pressure hatch) Yeah, Fry, “it’s” working all right!

SECOND ALIEN: (aims another gun at Fry) Time for me to do “The Centipede” on YOU, fool! What the--?

Leela kicks the gun out of his hand, catches it, and charges it up.

LEELA: One move and you’re LASER TOAST, “G”.

The first alien crawls almost to within reach of his laser gun.

BENDER: I wouldn’t reach for that pistol, SNOOP! *has tied a spoon, tweezers, a nail file, and a cork-screw to his hand for claws* I’ll file your eyes into SILICON, Swiss Army style, pal!

PROFESSOR: (holding a plate of rotten food) And last, but not least… *he throws it on the aliens* ZOIDBERG! FETCH!

FRY: GO, ZOIDBERG, GO!

AMY: What a beast!

ZOIDBERG: (clambers over and claws at the aliens to get the food) LEFTOVERS! *slurps noisily*

THIRD ALIEN: AIIIEE!

SECOND ALIEN: This ain’t PHAT no more!

FIRST ALIEN: I wanna go back to the ‘HOOD!

Later…

Amy holds a laser to the tied up aliens as Zoidberg rests on a console, covered in globs of food.

LEELA: Well, we did it, Fry. We defeated the gang just like you THOUGHT we could.

FRY: (looks disappointedly at his hand) Yeah. But I’m still a little upset that I don’t have super powers for real. I could have a lot of fun on ZIPPERS and BRA HOOKS with something like that. *cheers up* On the other hand, we don’t need super powers at all! We defeated that gang just like a band of superheroes! Maybe that’s the business we should go into!

HERMES: Yeah, right. YOU a superhero, Fry? And who’s going to be our arch enemy? MOM?

BENDER: Don’t sweat it, BUB. You just keep dreaming. Who knows? Anything can happen. With a little MUTATION… and a CAPE!

PROFESSOR: Someone HELP ME! My legs are CRUSHED!

BENDER: (sitting on the Professor’s legs) Pipe down, Professor. You’re HARSHING my could-give-a-crap.

PROFESSOR: But I’ll never WALK AGAIN! I’ll need a hover wheelchair! And I can’t remember my name!

The Planet Express ship zooms toward Earth.

FRY: You SEE? It’s just like my DREAM!

BENDER: Then CRIPPLING the Professor was meant to be!

ZOIDBERG: Hooray! Dibs on his dentures!

CUBERT: (in a caption bubble) That was preposterous! ‘Nuff said!


(EXTRA) Professor Farnsworth builds his dream house

Nestled on a refuse-ridden, mutant lamprey-infested river over the ruined city of Old New York, Prof. Farnsworth tirelessly labors to complete the house of his dreams which is already in progress: The Planet Express Building.

Featuring (but not limited to):

  1. Powerful AM Radio Antenna to pick-up hilarious drive-time shows

  2. Upstairs Laboratory with smelloscope, moon roof, time machine (work in progress), shrunken city under glass

  3. Master Bedroom with entertainment module, refreshment storage, Hummel figurines, butler bot w/restorative tonic, dog bot with slippers

  4. Ultimate Room of Erotic Pleasure with hanging rings, unicycle, row of circus horns, big balance ball, trapeze, trampoline, high dive

  5. Greenhouse for exotic half-plant half-monkey breeding experiments (i.e. chimpandendrons and chrysanthemonkeys)

  6. Rooftop deck for nude sunbathing with rotisserie lounge chair

  7. Zoidberg’s Office and Sick Bay with probes, restraints and very sharp whirling instruments

  8. Employee Lounge and Griping Chamber

  9. Conference Room with holographic projector

  10. Secret Emergency Transport Tube to “Just Wires” store

  11. Lobby and/or antechamber

  12. Hermes Conrad’s Office

  13. Downstairs Laboratory with work stool, table and drawer containing different lengths of amazing wire

  14. Secret Transport Tube to County Morgue (for retrieval and disposal)

  15. Giant Mutant Ant Farm

  16. Cloning Room

  17. Cryogenics Chamber with drink caddy and comfy pillow

  18. De-contamination Area for removal of radiation, space debris, tough stains, and hostile alien pustules

  19. Virtual Room with wide array of exotic alien landscapes (includes: Spore-world, Land of 1000 Eyes, and the Pillowsphere)

  20. Passageway of No Return

  21. Anti-Gravity Chamber

  22. Private Organ Band featuring human and alien organs never before seen by, and including, the human eye

  23. Rumpus Room

  24. Parallel Dimensions Gateway

  25. Dark Matter Repository with Dark Matter Depositor

  26. Hangar with Planet Express ship in docking bay

  27. Jet Boat Launch

  28. Underground Warehouse of giant nuclear-powered robots

  29. Wine-In-A-Box Cellar

  30. Underground Submarine Base

  31. Elevator to the Center of the Earth

  32. Bathosphere for river relic and refuse retrieval

  33. Secret Transport Tube to Benny’s All-U-Can-Eat Creamed Seafood Steam-Table Restaurant

  34. Secret Transport Tube to Bargain Circus

  35. Master Bathroom with bidet, vanity, stench absorbing plants, and physique enhancement mirror w/three-way setting (cyst-free, beefcake, or Adonis) (Warning: objects in mirror are uglier than they appear)

  36. Kitchen with lifetime supply of Bachelor Chow, giant can-opener, trash compactor, recycling bins, salt

  37. Chat Room with self-reclining comfy chairs

  38. Aerobotic Workout Room

  39. Broom Closet

Buddies