Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #9: FREAKY FRY-DAY
Transcribed by DinkDrinker

SCRIPT- ERIC ROBERTSPENCILS- TOM KING / JOHN DELANEYEDITOR- BILL MORRISON
INKS- PHYLLIS NOVINLETTERS- KAREN BATESCOLORS- RICK REESE
MYSERIOUS STRANGER- MATT GROENING  


BENDER: (getting washed by a group of scantily clad fembots) This is the GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!! (The scene is now shown to be a robot and spaceship wash- the 'Mid-Galaxy Spaceship and Robot Bikini Wash Co.) OOOHH YEAH! Soap me up, Baby! I'm a DIRTY 'BOT, a DIRTY 'BOT!

SAL: (in the Spaceship wash line. He is standing on a floating pad, wearing a space suit) Would you likes the Force Field Wax Coating for onlys $9.95 mores? It gives your ship that stills-new look for up to forty direct hits from enemy alien fire!

LEELA: (along with Fry- both are also wearing space suits) Just a regular wash, please. (walks away) Come on, Fry. I want to get a PERM and learn ORIGAMI inside the service mart while we wait for the ship.

FRY: (following Leela) Geez, what happened to the GOOD OLD DAYS when all there was to do at the car wash was get a MASSAGE or SING KARAOKE or get a LOAN?

SOON...

Leela and Fry are out of the space suits and inside the service mart

LEELA: (in a hover chair, and a hairdryer over her head) Hmm, something doesn't feel right, Fry. Give me some juicy gossip on Amy or tell me who's come back from the dead most recently on 'All My Circuits'.

FRY: (turns around to see a huge display) GASP! Oh NO! It's here again ALREADY? Great Nephew's Day is TOMORROW! (picks up a card that reads- 'I can't see, hear, or smell you anymore, nephew, but I know you're there')

LEELA: Really? It seems like just yesterday we were celebrating REDHEADED STEPCHILD DAY!

FRY: What am I gonna do? I haven't gotten the Professor a GIFT yet. Some GREAT GUMPTILLIENTH UNCLE I am!

LEELA: Why not buy him a gift from here? There has to be SOMETHING in this place that the Professor would like!

FRY: Great idea. If I can't find something in a spaceship wash convenience store for my mad scientist great nephew who's 150 years old, then the perfect gift JUST DOESN'T EXIST!

LEELA: (now out of the chair, w/ a towel around her head) Just let me unwrap my perm, Fry, and I'll help you look... (unwraps hair- it is the same) Well, what do you think?

FRY: (squinting) How's it any DIFFERENT?

LEELA: (excited) It's PERMED! And I got it COLORED!

FRY: It's still PURPLE!

LEELA: FUCHSIA!

FRY: Whatever. I gotta find the Professor a gift. (walks off)

LEELA: (following Fry, trying to get his attention) Fry! Wait! Look at how my bangs hang to the RIGHT! And the SCRUNCHIE that holds back my hair back? That's NEW!

LATER OUTSIDE THE STORE...

FRY: (back in his space suit) Aw man, not one lousy gift good enough for the Professor. He's the only family I've got. It's not enough to give him this greeting card I bought, even if it DOES have a hilarious holographic Happy Great Nephew's Day greeting from PRESIDENT NIXON'S HEAD!

HOMELESS VET: (has a sign that reads- Homeless DOOP veteran will perform body probe for spare change) Hey, kid, you searching for the PERFECT gift?

FRY: Yeah. Why do you ask?

HOMELESS VET: 'Cause I have just the thing... (uncovers a small tray of trinkets on his lap from under a blanket) All-occasion accessories, handmade by YOURS TRULY! You got your friendship bracelets, your mood rings, your UNLEASH-THE-WRATH-OF-HELL-ON-THE-CAPITALIST-SCUM-WHO-DENIED-YOUR-VERTERAN-PENSION necklace charm... you name it!

FRY: What's the sentiment behind those rock necklaces?

HOMELESS VET: (hold up two green glowing necklaces) This charm is designed to show the special bond between two people- that wherever one may go or what he may do, there's always another person out in the universe who is keeping a special place for that person in their heart.

FRY: Oh, I see. It's an example of CHEESE-BALL MERCHANDISING, tailor made for DESPERATE SUCKERS ON A BUDGET. Well, all I can say is... I'LL TAKE IT! Just out of curiosity- why do the stones GLOW like that? Are they DANGEROUS?

HOMELESS VET: (pulls out a cash register and rings up the sale) Not that I KNOW of. And on a similar note, congratulations for being the FIRST to own this particular necklace. Twenty five dollars, please.

FRY: Why do you have a cash register?

HOMELESS VET: I work for the STORE. We move more product when playing the sympathy card on SUCK- er, I mean CUSTOMERS. Need a receipt?

LEELA: (now exiting the store) Come on, Fry. The Ship's ready to go, but I can't find Bender. Do you think he doesn't recognize me because of my HAIR?

At the Robot wash...

BENDER: (now shiny and clean) WOW! I never knew my ass could get that SHINY! I hope no one EVER bites it NOW!

FEMBOT: (polishing up Bender, and narrowing her eyes) Mr. Bender, do you want the 'EXTRA SERVICE'?

BENDER: DO I EVER, Doll face!

FEMBOT: (pulls a lever) OKAY! (a door opens, and Bender turns around...)

BENDER: AHH! CRUSHINATOR! IT'S YOU!

CRUSHINATOR: (in a 'bikini') BENDER. IT HAS BEEN SO LONG. WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED? I HAVE A SURPRIZE FOR YOU... (the front of Crushinator opens revealing a small robot) HE IS THE FRUIT OF YOUR SOFTWARE. I CALL HIM 'JUNIOR'

JUNIOR: DADDY.

BENDER: (running toward the Planet Express Ship- Leela and Fry are waiting) Fire up the ENGINES! Go for LAUNCH! Get me the hell out of HEEEERE! By the way, SASSY NEW 'DO, Leela!

LATER THAT DAY...

Outside Planet Express...

NIXON: I cannot tell a LIE... (scene cut to the lounge- everyone is admiring the holographic card of Nixon) I'd rather be IMPEACHED than forget you on Great Nephew's Day!

AMY: HOW CUTE!

HERMES: VERY CLEVER, MON!

ZOIDBERG: (saluting) HAIL TO THE CHIEF!

BENDER: (looking in the mirror) I'M A HANDSOME DEVIL!

PROFESSOR: Oh, Fry, how thoughtful! You're like the son I NEVER CLONED!

FRY: There's more where THAT came from, Professor. Her you go! (hands him a gift)

PROFESSOR: Oh, GOODY GUM DROPS! Is it a Swiss Army DEATH RAY? (opens the gift)

FRY: Sorry. I'm afraid this has a little more MEANING.

PROFESSOR: (holds up gift, quizzically) You bought me a KRYPTONITE NECKLACE?

BENDER: (whispering to Fry) Good thinking, Fry. We can LOOT the hell out of this place while his SUPER POWERS are WEAKENED!

FRY: It's not kryptonite! It's... some OTHER unknown green colored rock. And it's especially for the two of us. Because we're FAMILY. All the family the other has. Unless you count CUBERT.

HERMES: No one ever has. Why start NOW?

PROFESSOR: But where did these strangely-glowing rocks COME from, Fry? Shouldn't I TEST them before we wear them?

FRY: What are you worried about? I've had mine on all day and I feel FINE.

BENDER: BIG FAT FIBBER! What about that HALF HOUR you spent MOANING and GROANING in the ship's bathroom on the way home?

FRY: Convenience store CORN DOGS, my friend. (looks in a mirror with the Professor) You SEE? Not only does it look HIP, it adds SIGNIFICANCE.

PROFESSOR: It is a sweet gift, Fry. The stone's color does MATCH MY EYES... and it SEEMS to be safe... I promise I'll wear it whenever you're AROUND.

FRY: What more could I ask? (hugs the Professor) Happy Great Nephew's Day, Professor.

LEELA: (wiping away a tear) Isn't that the MOST BEAUTIFUL thing ever?

ZOIDBERG: (eying Leela's hair) Speaking of beautiful things, who's your stylist? Zoidberg could use some PLATINUM BLONDE EXTENSIONS maybe.

THAT NIGHT...

A green glow encircles Fry's head and the necklace as he sleeps. The green glow travels across New New York to Planet Express, where it surrounds the Professor's head and necklace as he sleeps in front of the T.V.)

PROFESSOR'S T.V.: ...we'll return to our 24 hour 'The Scary Door' Marathon after these messages...

THE NEXT MORNING...

P IN F: YAAAAWWWWN! What a pleasant night's sleep. I feel so refreshed and energized. And I can't remember the last time I slept through the night without having to get up to RELIEVE myself. My BLADDER feels as FIT as the ROBOT DEVIL'S FIDDLE! (walks into the next room, seeing Bender reading the morning paper) Good morning, Bender! And how are you, my robotic cohort?

BENDER: Morning, Meatbag.

P IN F: (in his mind to himself) My VOICE! I must have caught a COLD or something- that doesn't sound like me at all! But I don't feel SICK... and what's Bender doing at work so EARLY!?

BENDER: What's with all the HIGH-FALUTIN' talk? Have you been watching my 'Masterporn Theatre' tapes again, Fry?

P IN F: (In his mind to himself) FRY!? What is he talking about? WHAT'S GOING ON? (looks at his reflection on Bender's chest) OH MY! (out loud) Bender, what's HAPPENED to me? Why do I look like FRY?

BENDER: Fry, maybe it's time for you to realize that not every ugly duckling wakes up a SWAN. Know what I'm saying?

P IN F: You mean to say... I am FRY!? This is FRY'S BODY!?!?

BENDER: SAD but TRUE. That diet of CHIMICHANGAS and STRAWBERRY QUIK just ain't doing you any FAVORS, pal.

P IN F: (looks in mirror, touching his face. The PROFESSOR now understands he is in FRY'S body) I'M Fry! I... AM... FRRRRYYYY!

BENDER: OH GLORIOUS DAY. Now, if you're done stating the OBVIOUS,you better get ready for WORK, or you're gonna be LATE.

P IN F: (doing handstands and flips)OH MY YES! Time for work! As a DELIVERY BOY! Because that's what Fry, by which I mean ME, does! OFF I GO!

BENDER: See ya at the office, pal.

P IN F: (getting dressed) No sense in telling Bender who I really am. But until I can figure out what's going on, I won't deny myself a bit of fun at FRY'S EXPENSE!

THAT MORNING...

The Planet Express crew is outside next to an ambulance as Bender arrives.

BENDER: What's happening?

HERMES: The Professor done gone and CRACKED HIS COCONUT! He thinks he's FRY!

LEELA: They're taking him to the hospital to see if they can figure out what's wrong. Where's Fry? We need to go with the Professor!

BENDER: (walking away) He's right behind me. I'll just stay behind and let him know what's going on. Besides, I find the best way to show support in times like these is to not care TOO much...or AT ALL.

LEELA: (grabbing Bender and yanking him back) Sorry, Bender, but we're ALL going. We'll just have to call Fry from the hospital later to fill him in.

BENDER: Watch your GRUBBY MITTS! My JUST-OFF-THE-ASSEMBLY LINE SHEEN hasn't worn off yet!

ZOIDBERG: Yay! Zoidberg is going on a FIELD TRIP with FRIENDS!

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

P IN F: (walking into the Planet Express Kitchen) What's THIS? Where IS everyone? Why isn't anyone WORKING? Ohh, all this energy and nothing to DO with it. Well, if I'm going to sit around and act like Fry, I might as well do it in comfort! (puts on the trademark pajamas and slippers) Ahhh, MUCH better. Let's see... what would Fry do now? PICK his nose? Produce BODILY NOISES? ANNOY everyone? (walks into the lounge and sits down on the sofa) Maybe I'll take a nap until I find out what happened to my REAL body. Just need to get comfy... (pulls out a magazine from the sofa) What's this? (he looks at a magazine w/ Rosie O'Donnell's head and Professor Wernstrom) WERNSTROM!? (An evil look crosses his face) Wernstrom? Oh YES... WERNSTROM!

A LITTLE LATER...

Professor Wernstrom's apartment. He has just gotten out of the shower, and is having his teeth flossed by a robotic device on his head. His pet fish is in it's suit, and at his feet. He hears knocking at his door.

WERNSTROM: Oh, dear. Who could be at my door at THIS time of the morning? (stomps through the apartment in a towel to the front door) Who's there?

P IN F: HUBERT FARNSWORTH!

WERNSTROM: FARNSWORTH! Feeling the need to be reminded of your INFERIORITY, eh, Hubie? (opens the door) YOU'RE not Farnsworth!

P IN F: (punching his fist into his other hand) Congratulations, BRAINIAC. I'm her to teach you about MATTER OVER MIND!

WERNSTROM: (cowering in fear) AHHHHH!

MEANWHILE...

At Taco Bellevue Hospital...

LEELA: So what's WRONG with the Professor, Doctor?

ALIEN CHIHUAHUA DOCTOR: Frankly, he's LOST HIS CHALUPAS.

ZOIDBERG: Don't look at ME! I didn't eat them!

ALIEN CHIHUAHUA DOCTOR: Señor Farnsworth thinks he is someone named 'Fry'. He is suffering from severe personality disorder, or as I like to call it, 'EL CUCKOOLOCO'.

F IN P: Oh, THANK GOD you're all here! It's me, FRY, and I'm trapped in the Professor's body!

ALIEN CHIHUAHUA DOCTOR: We need to perform some tests on his HOT SAUCE, or as you call it, 'BLOOD'.

LEELA: Professor, it's Okay. The doctors and nurses are going to help you get all better now.

F IN P: It's ME... Fry! I woke up this morning and realized my DUMB Fry brain was in the DECREPIT Professor's body! It's like a BAD short story by Franz Drescher!

LEELA: That's Franz KAFKA, you IDIOT! Well, he certainly TALKS like Fry. We can't do anything until they've done more testing.

F IN P: You don't BELIEVE me!? All right, I'll PROVE it! Hermes lists me on his tax return as his 'ADOPTED CHILD' so he can get a BIGGER WRITE OFF! Amy's secret dream is to DROP OUT of Mars University and go to CLOWN COLLEGE! And Leela told me on a delivery mission the other day that she hadn't had SEX since...

LEELA:(interrupting- obviously embarrassed) HO, HO! You sure are SICK, Professor!

AMY: (also embarrassed) And how!

HERMES: (smiling nervously and sweating) That's one JERKED BRAIN there!

(they all run out of the room in a huge hurry)

LEELA: Well, too bad we have to GO now, take care, see you soon, BYE BYE!

ZOIDBERG: WAIT! They haven't given the Professor his SALSA TRANSFUSION yet! I want to lick the IV NEEDLE after they're done!

ACROSS TOWN...

In O' Zorgnax's Pub...

P IN F: (sitting on a bar stool) One more for the road, barkeep. I haven't had this much fun controlling my bladder since I had my REAL one replaced!

IZAC: YOU GOT IT!

LANA: Mind if I join you? (Lana is a hot blonde female Professor) I couldn't help overhearing you tell your theory of PARTICLE HYBRID COMBUSTION REPRODUCTION to the bartender. I thought to myself, 'Looks AND brains'. I just HAD to introduce myself. Lana Labianca.

P IN F: Huber... uh, I mean FRY! Philip J. Fry, but for some reason everyone just calls me Fry. I really should FIGURE OUT why that is one day.

LANA: (flirting) You know, Fry, my apartment is right around the corner. And I just LOVE long winded explanations.

P IN F: (thinking) I really SHOULD be getting back to my laboratory...(thinks to himself) This is your chance to have SEX with a woman whose hips HAVEN'T been REPLACED, Hubert! You'll NEVER get this chance again! (now speaks aloud to Lana) ...but I DO have time for at least one MONOTONOUS and BORING lecture on GUPPIE CLONING and how it relates to the BIG BANG THEORY.

LANA: (hanging all over him) Take me home, you SPIKY HAIRED NERD!

LATER THAT DAY...

Inside the Planet Express Hangar...

LEELA: (Working on the ship, looks down) FRY! Where have you BEEN? We've been worried SICK about you!

P IN F: (covered in lipstick kisses, clothes unkempt) No need to worry, Leela. I've been having a WONDERFUL day! It's good to be YOUNG and VIRILE!

BENDER: (looks at his face) Looks like someone needs practice applying their CLOWN MAKE-UP!

LEELA: Aren't you the least bit WORRIED about the Professor?

P IN F: Oh, yes, the PROFESSOR! How is HE doing?

BENDER: They've got him strapped to a bed in a rubber room, but other than that, he's SWELL.

P IN F: (thinking) So everyone thinks he's CRAZY, eh? Well, I'm sure it will PASS in a couple of days!

LEELA: Fry, are you feeling all right? Because the Professor thinks he's YOU!

P IN F: Oh GOBBLEDY GOOK! It's obvious the Professor just needs a little rest from all that PLOTTING to take over the world with 40- FOOT ALLIGATORS! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go about my NORMAL business, which, correct me if I'm WRONG, requires lots of T.V. Watching, napping, and various RUDE BODY EMISSIONS.

LEELA: I don't know, Bender. Some thing's not RIGHT.

BENDER: Nah. He actually DOES make a lot of noise with his body.

A WEEK LATER...

LEELA: Thanks again for FILLING IN for Fry, Scruffy. You did a great job delivering the package, and who knew the toilet bowls on the ship were ACTUALLY WHITE?

BENDER: GREAT. Now, we'll have to keep Zoidberg from DRINKING out of them AGAIN.

LEELA: Hey, Hermes, what's Fry's excuse for missing work TODAY?

HERMES: That lazy RUM BUNNY said he couldn't come in because he's got a PHOTO SHOOT with 'SCIENCE ILLUSTRATED' magazine. It's the annual SPEEDOS-AND-LABCOATS issue.

LEELA: Why would they want to take pictures of FRY?

HERMES: Something about him inventing a WINNING football team in CINCINNATI. After one hundred and one STRAIGHT LOOSING DECADES? Jah, RIGHT!

LEELA: Fry's INVENTING things? And wearing the Professor's lab coat and slippers... and he's been talking about how great 'SIXTY MINUTES' is an awful lot... GASP! Are you guys thinking what I'M thinking?

BENDER: It's time people STOP MAKING JOKES about old folks watching 'SIXTY MINUTES'?

LEELA: NO! Fry and the Professor are TRAPPED in each other's bodies!

ZOIDBERG: FRIENDS! That rat-dog looking doctor just called... the Professor isn't responding to his treatment and they're going to perform a LOBOTOMY on his GORDITA tomorrow morning!

HERMES: SWEET IGUANA OF TIJUANA! They're gonna remove his PERSONALITY LOBE of his brain! He'll be as UNINTERESTING AS ZOIDBERG!

LEELA: We have to find Fry- er, I mean the Professor, before then so they can switch BACK to their normal bodies! LET'S GO!

HERMES: 'OPERATION: FRY HUNT' IS ON!

ZOIDBERG: ZOIDBERG IS RELEVANT FOR ONCE!

SOON, AT FRY AND BENDER'S APARTMENT...

BENDER: LOOK! An empty box of the Prof's favorite cereal, OCTOGENARI-OS! He's been here!

LEELA: (into her wristlojackimator) 1-BDI to base, did you copy that?

HERMES: (in the Professor's apartment) COPY, 1-BDI! He's been here too. The Professor's DRESS lab coat and slippers are missing! He must have TAKEN them! But where could he have GONE?

OUTSIDE THE HIPJOINT...

We see Glurmo, Zapp, Walt, Larry, and Igner waiting in line. The crowd can be heard cheering from inside.

CROWD: GO, FRY! GO, FRY! GO, FRY! (The crowd gathers around the P IN F) His moves are SICK! / The boy's got mad SKILLS!

P IN F: (dancing in the middle of the circle) I've got a FEVER FOR THE FLAVOR OF A BIG BAND BEAT! (he spins around on his head, and then flips over and stops in a full split)

CROWD: YEEAH! / WOO HOO! / ALL RIGHT! / That looks painful!

P IN F: AHH! Just another bonus of a HEALTHY PROSTATE! (gets up) excuse me for one minute while I go to the little boys room, and when I get back, we're going to turn this mutha OUT with the JITTERBUG!

GIRL IN CROWD: WORD!

WERNSTROM: (looking on from the sidelines) Hmmm...

F IN P: (walking into the restroom) Oh, uh, sorry I must be in the LADIES ROOM.

FEMININE LOOKING ALIEN: (complete with a miniskirt, push up bra, high heels, and applying lipstick) No, this is the MEN'S room. What makes you think OTHERWISE?

P IN F: Heh, heh. NO REASON.

FEMININE LOOKING ALIEN: Would you like some BLUSH for your MANDIBLES?

P IN F: Uh, my mandibles are SELF -BLUSHING.

FEMININE LOOKING ALIEN: SHOW OFF. (storms out)

P IN F: Boy, it sure is FUN being a young man again! It's like I've discovered the fountain of youth! (looks in the mirror) Sigh. But I guess I can't stay this way forever. Poor Fry has the rest of his life to live. PATHETIC as it may be without my brilliant mind. Oh, well. One last night of JUVENILE DEBAUCHERY, and then I'll let the others in our our switcheroo secret... (a hand is seen reaching in behind the door, turning off the lights... CLICK!) Who turned out the lights!? Hello? Is anyone THERE? (P IN F gets the crap beat out of him in the dark- -SLAP- OOMF! -BAM!- Oooh! -POW!- OWW! JUDO-CHOP!)

LATER...

P IN F is seen tied to a chair, with a potato sack over his head.

WERNSTROM: Wakey-wakey, MR. ATTACKER. Time for your MEDICINE... (grabs the sack and takes it off)

P IN F: (he sees he is surrounded by Wernstrom and his Chinese Grad students) Huh? Who? GASP! It's YOU! WERNSTROM!?!?!? But how?...

WERNSTROM: Simple. I got the drop on you at that club with the help of my CHINESE GRAD-STUDENT ASSISTANTS. Unfortunately for you, they're going to assist me in teaching you a lesson in RESPECTING YOUR ELDERS, whippersnapper!

BACK AT PLANET EXPRESS...

LEELA: So NO ONE knows where the Professor's gone in Fry's body?

HERMES: We've searched all of his usual hangouts. The Academy of Mad Scientists...

AMY: the Pablum Hut...

BENDER: ...And every nudist colony in the tri-county area!

AMY: What are we going to do? The Professor is going to be lobotomized in LESS THAN 12 HOURS!

ZOIDBERG: Poor old FRIEND OF FRIENDS! He's DOOMED!

BENDER: (opening his chest- showing off his ace in the hole...) NOT YET! There's ONE LAST HOPE! I call it... 'FRYJAC'!

IN WERNSTROM'S LAB...

WERNSTROM: So you think you can just beat up people SMARTER than you, is that it?

P IN F: Smarter than ME? You couldn't COSINE your way out of a LOGARITHM until I TAUGHT you how to do it, Oggie!

WERNSTROM: Odd. You sound just like my first and DUMBEST Professor, Hubert Farnsworth!

P IN F: I AM Hubert Farnsworth! And I'm going to put the SMACK-DOWN on your SAGGY, WITHERED, BEN GAY SMOTHERED BUTT!

WERNSTROM: HA! You WISH you had half the brains of Farnsworth. Then you'd know the real way to defeat me is a battle of WITS. Of course, I would never tell HIM that.

P IN F: Really? You actually DO respect Farnsworth's intelligence?

WERNSTROM: Whether I do or not is no matter to you. It's not you are going to see the LIGHT OF DAY again. Because when you MESS with ONE NERD... (the grad students gather around) you mess with ALL NERDS!

BENDER: Can the COOL KIDS play too? Now you were saying something about MESSING WITH NERDS? 'Cause that's what WE came to do!

WERNSTROM: (looks around to see Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg, Leela, Amy, and Scruffy)Wh-who are YOU?

LEELA: We're the PLANET EXPRESS DELIVERY COMPANY. Now who ordered the crate of WHUP-ASS?

P IN F: Oh, thank heavens! How did you find me?

BENDER: I once bet Fry he couldn't cram a hundred computer chips up his nose. He won the bet, but only sneezed out 99 chips. I just put a SATELLITE TRACE on the missing chip and followed it here!

P IN F: What in the name of Andy Rooney's head are you talking about!?

LEELA: So you ARE the Professor!

P IN F: Of course I AM! Fry's not COOL enough to be seen in public wearing SLIPPERS!

LEELA: But HOW? And why haven't you told us what happened?

P IN F: It must have something to do with these GREEN ROCKS that Fry and I have hanging around our necks, but I was having such a wonderful time being YOUNG again... I guess I just got carried away.

LEELA: But your body with Fry's brain in it is about to be LOBOTOMIZED! They think Fry's CRAZY!

P IN F: Then I, by which I mean HIM, am in GREAT DANGER!

WERNSTROM: Danger is RIGHT! Whether or not this man IS Professor Farnsworth, he's still owed one butt-kicking. I advise you to step aside or my lethal gang of KUNG-FU FIGHTING GRADUATE STUDENTS will make you all pay!

STUDENT #1: Uh, ACTUALLY, Professor Wernstrom... we DON'T KNOW any Kung-fu.

WERNSTROM: WHAT!?

STUDENT #2: It's TRUE. We thought we could fake it if it was five against one, but we can't REALLY fight. (Zoidberg snips the P IN F free)

STUDENT #3: Will this count against our FINAL GRADE? (all the students scatter as soon as they see P IN F free)

WERNSTROM: WAIT! Where are you going!? We have to defend the honor of NERDS EVERYWHERE!

P IN F: All right, Wernstrom. It's time for your butt to cash those CHECKS your mouth's been WRITING!

LEELA: Come on, Professor. We have very little time to get you back into your old body.

P IN F: Oooh, I guess you're right. But it was FUN while it lasted. OFF WE GO! (Turns to Wernstrom) You got LUCKY. Wernstrom. Guess I'll be seeing you around the Inventor's Club!

WERNSTROM: If you REALLY ARE Farnsworth... then I TAKE BACK about beating me in a battle of wits! It would NEVER happen! I was INTOXICATED by my POWER! NO ONE is smarter than ME! (sees everyone leaving) WAIT! Come back! I'll take you all on BY MYSELF! (he starts swinging some nunchucks) I'm quite the SCRAPPER, don't you know. I was President of the THUMB WRESTLING CLUB back in my University days... (he hits himself upside the head with the nunchucks, and collapses on the floor) OOF! OWIE!

THAT NIGHT...

Back at Planet Express...

AMBULANCE DRIVER: Here he is sir- we just need a relative's signature and the CRAZY OLD COOT'S all yours again.

P IN F: Thanks for your help.

LEELA: How are you feeling, Fry?

F IN P: AWFUL! My skin smells like OLD MILK, my knees make scary CRACKING NOISES when I breathe, and I practically have to set up a bed in the bathroom so I can make it there in time whenever I GOTTA GO!

P IN F: Oh, good. Everything is just as I LEFT IT then.

LEELA: Well, don't worry. The Professor has an invention that will switch you back into your old body.

P IN F: But it can also put your soul into a HUBCAP! Are you sure you don't want to do THAT, Fry?

F IN P: NO THANKS! I never really appreciated my body before this, but I'm gonna LOVE THE HELL OUT OF IT as soon as I'm back in my own YOUNG skin!

BENDER: Hey, what you do in PRIVATE is YOUR BUSINESS!

P IN F: Time for the old SWITCHEROO, Fry! I hope your stay in my body wasn't TOO UNPLEASANT! And I AM sorry it took so long to get you out of that hospital, but I needed to see what it was like to be young ONE MORE TIME. I hope you understand and accept my apology.

F IN P: It's cool. My body IS pretty ENVIABLE.

P IN F: And as nice a gift as this pendant is, Fry, IT is the reason we switched places. We wouldn't want THAT to happen again, right?

F IN P: (ripping off the necklace) HELL NO!

P IN F: (Hands the two necklaces to Bender) HIDE these away for me, and I'll make you a RICH ROBOT!

BENDER: The BANK OF BENDER is OPEN FOR BUSINESS!

P IN F: You'll also be glad to know, Fry, I had plenty of SEX in your body while you were away. You're now a TUNED UP HOVER-CAMARO ready to BURN RUBBER.

F IN P: AW, MAN! The only thing I got to do in YOUR body was make a COOL TATTOO by connecting the MOLES on your LEGS!

P IN F: (grins slyly) Before we switch back, will you allow me one last, tiny INDULGENCE, Fry?

F IN P: Uh, Okay, I guess.

F IN P: (watches P IN F tear off all his clothes) Professor, put your lab coat BACK ON! For the love of GOD... PUT! IT! ON!

P IN F: Ahh, to be YOUNG and NAKED! I'll miss this the MOST!

BENDER: Just a few more seconds, Fry, er, Professor, uh, WHOEVER the hell you are! I'll be able to EXTORT and BLACKMAIL Fry for YEARS with these PHOTOS!

Bender starts snapping away with a camera, as Leela looks on giggling.

ALIEN CHIHUAHUA DOCTOR: (in a caption bubble) Adios, Amigos!

Buddies