Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #10: THE BIG SWEEP
Transcribed by DinkDrinker

SCRIPT- ERIC ROBERTSPENCILS- JOHN DELANEYPLOT/EDITS- BILL MORRISON
INKS- PHYLLIS NOVINLETTERS- KAREN BATESCOLORS- JOEY MASON
ASH COMMISSIONER- MATT GROENING  


FRY: (we see N.N.Y. behind him. Meteors are falling from the sky) METEOR STORM! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!

LEELA: (looking out the window in the Planet Express Lounge) We're in no danger, Fry. The first METEOR-FALL is the most WONDERFUL time of the year!

FRY: (running around in circles in a panic) But ROCKS! FLAMES! FALLING! The weather outside is FRIGHTFUL!

LEELA: (dreamily) SIGH- but the fire is so DELIGHTFUL!

PROFESSOR: It's only a DWARF meteor shower. But we have to stay indoors until the storm passes.

FRY: So we might have to spend the night HERE at Planet Express?

BENDER: Cheer up, meatbag. The flip side is that if this keeps up, we get a METEOR DAY tomorrow.

FRY: What's a Meteor Day?

LEELA: A Meteor Day is when it's IMPOSSIBLE to go to work or school because there's too much METEOR ASH on the ground and in the atmosphere.

FRY: Oh. Kinda like a SNOW DAY.

LEELA? What's THAT?

FRY: When I was a kid, we'd get the day off from school if there was too much snow on the ground for cars and buses to drive through.

Hermes, Amy, Leela, Bender, and the Professor all laugh at him like he just told the world's funniest joke.

BENDER: (wiping his eyes) 'SNOW DAY'! That's RICH. Next thing you know he'll tell us they used REAL PEOPLE to act in MOVIES!

HERMES: (turning on the TV) Everyone PIPE DOWN! The WEATHER REPORT is about to be on!

MORBO: (on the TV) ...And now with the forecast, here is WEATHER ENTITY HAL! (Weather Entity Hal looks EXACTLY like Horrible Gelatinous Blob wearing a red bow tie)

WEATHER ENTITY HAL: Thanks, Morbo. I'll start by saying my Production Assistant FAILED to put the latest factoid sheet on tonight's Dwarf Meteor storm in my hands...

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: (from within Hal) You ATE me before I could GIVE it to you!

WEATHER ENTITY HAL: ...so to the best of my knowledge, the storm may end SOON... but it may last ALL NIGHT! Up next, today's Birthday Greetings...

LEELA: Well, I guess we're sleeping HERE tonight. Professor, where are your extra blankets and pillows?

PROFESSOR: What does this look like, a HOSTEL for AUSTRALIAN BACKPACKERS? I've only got enough bedding for ONE and if you think I'm going to let you... (immediately passes out on the couch, snoring and drooling)

LEELA: So Amy and I will share the Professor's bed. There should be enough bedding for everyone else on the delivery ship's bunk beds.

AMY: This will be great! Like a SLUMBER PARTY!

ZOIDBERG: Did someone say slumber party? Count me in! I'll bring my YM MAGAZINES and HAIR CURLERS!

LEELA: Help me get the blankets and pillows from the ship, Amy. (walks off w/ Amy)

FRY: (Looking out the window) Wow. I could just sit and look at this ALL NIGHT LONG.

BENDER: Yeah. So you wanna watch TV? I heard there's a great documentary about PAINT DRYING on Cable Access tonight.

FRY: I'M IN!

THE NEXT MORNING...

(Almost) all the guys are asleep- Bender is down, with his arms out. He is cradling a sleeping Fry like a baby. The Professor is still on the couch, Zoidberg is next to him, upside down, wearing only underwear, and Hermes is curled up on the table only wearing his underwear.

SCRUFFY: (opening the blinds on the window) Scruffy says it's time to rise and shine.

PROFESSOR: (jerking awake at the bright light) AWHAWHOHEY?

FRY: (shielding his eyes) AHH! What's that light? I can't SEE!

SCRUFFY: It's just the sunlight reflectin' off the new fallen METEOR ASH.

FRY: (looking outside, seeing children and robots playing in the ash) Whoa. It's BEAUTIFUL! Like God smoked a giant cigarette and FLICKED the ashes on us!

PROFESSOR: Yes. It's just like the meteor ashfalls I remember as a child.

AMY: (comes into the lounge w/ Leela, dressed to go outside) Who's ready for some serious ASH-THRASHING? There's two feet of fresh ASH-POWDER out there just waiting for us!

LEELA: C'mon guys! What are we waiting for?

HERMES: Just a BEAN-PICKIN' minute! The Professor hasn't given ANYONE the day off and until he does...

PROFESSOR: Hermes, you know that Galactic Law PROHIBITS spaceship flight within 24 hours of ANY meteor storm. Of course, the crew has the day off! But YOU DON'T!

HERMES: WHAT? Why not?

PROFESSOR: You're being punished for wearing those RIDICULOUS SKIVVIES! By the way, a few SIT-UPS wouldn't kill you.

Everyone leaves besides Fry and Bender.

FRY: I'm right behind you, guys. I'm just gonna wake up Bender. (opens up his chest and hits his 'REBOOT' button) Here we go...

BENDER: (Seen in his eyes- INITIATING WAKE-UP YAWN AND BELCH) YAAWNNBRRRAAAP!!! (belches fire)

FRY: (looking on) I can't start my day WITHOUT that.

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

Everyone is outside playing in the ashes.

BENDER: This is AWESOME! It's like a NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND!

PROFESSOR: Catch some ASHFLAKES on your tongue! It's yummy!

FRY: Uh, Okay...

ZOIDBERG: (laying down) WHEE! Everyone, look at me! I'm making ASH ANGELS!

LEELA: (throws an ashball right into Fry's mouth) Melts in your mouth, eh Fry?

FRY: GLAGH! PTOOEY! This isn't yummy, it's DISGUSTING!

PROFESSOR: Hmm, maybe Zoidberg WASN'T lying when he said I lost my SENSE OF TATSE...

LEELA: What's wrong, Fry? Don't you think this is fun?

FRY: NO WAY! I'm sick of all this ash! I'm going back inside... HEY! (trips on an off white sphere hidden in the ash, and falls flat on his face next to Zoidberg)

ZOIDBERG: HOORAY! Fry is making an Ash Angel too! I'm a TREND SETTER!

FRY: (gets up and looks at the sphere in the snow) LOUSYGOODFORNOTHIN' METEOR ROCKS! (gets ready to throw it) Go back to KRPYTON!

SCRUFFY: (comes running with his arms full of the same rocks) Scruffy says NO. (takes the rock from Fry)

FRY: What's the big deal, Scruffy? It's just a stupid ROCK.

SCRUFFY: Sez you. These here rocks are great for SWURLIN' MATCHES. Scruffy ain't never seen meteors like THIS before. There's somethin' strange and ominous about 'em, but they's the PERFECT shape and size, so Scruffy wants to collect as many as possible.

LEELA: I've heard of Swurling. That's the game where you use a broom to move rocks across ice and whoever gets their rock closest to the bullseye in the middle of the ice wins.

SCRUFFY: Yep. Scruffy was thinkin' maybe we could go to Central Park and have a go.

FRY: Why not? It HAS to be better than this.

SCRUFFY: Scruffy's got some brooms for everyone, but we need one more for a team.

LEELA: Hey Bender, wanna join us?

BENDER: Be right there. Just finishing up some ESCROW on this IGLOO I built.

ZOIDBERG: (in front of a poorly built, small ash igloo) So the rent is HALF of my paycheck every week for the next ten years?

BENDER: Yep. And I'll need TWO MONTH'S rent up front in case of an early thaw.

ZOIDBERG: (signing a contract) DEAL!

LATER:

SCRUFFY: Swurling is a sport that requires strength, brains, and TEFLON-SOLED SHOES!

FRY: 'SPORT'? Don't make me LAUGH! Swurling doesn't require any more athletic ability than golf or stock car racing... or CANADIAN FOOTBALL.

SCRUFFY: Oh yeah? WATCH THIS! (Scruffy hits the stone with his broom and slides it perfectly into the center of the bullseye) A perfect DRAW! Scruffy's never done THAT before! These stones are AMAZIN'!

FRY: (bored) Woo-hoo. The rock made it to the circle.

BENDER: And the crowd goes into a COMA out of BOREDOM.

LEELA: (holding a stone and a broom) We should at least give it a try before we ridicule it. I'll go first. (Leela puts the stone down and pushes it w/ her broom...) I DID IT! I got it in the circle! (the stone is right next to Scruffy's in the center)

SCRUFFY: That's called a 'DRAW'. It's the top score you can get. You're a NATURAL, Leela.

LEELA: Really?

FRY: BIG DEAL! So Leela can push a rock with a broom! It's not like it's an OLYMPIC SPORT or something!

LEBRUTESKI: You want to go to the OLYMPIC, don'cha?

SCRUFFY: (looking over at a bunch of children and robots swurling) GASP! That there's VIC LEBRUTESKI! The Hall of Fame Swurlin' Coach! (Lebruteski is a short, pudgy pink alien dressed like Vince Lombardi)

LEBRUTESKI: (talking to the kids) Come on, boys! If you want to be the best, you have to sacrifice certain freedoms... Your OPINIONS, your INDIVIDUALITY... YOUR BOWEL MOVEMENTS! You can relieve yourself on someone else's time, not on MINE!

FRY: Who's Vic LEBREWSKI?

SCRUFFY: Le-BRUTE-ski. He's only the greatest swurlin' coach ever. His teams have won TEN gold medals at the Olympics. Scruffy always DREAMED of playing for him.

LEBRUTESKI: (screaming at a child)You PATHETIC PIT STAIN! You PREPUBESCENT PINT OF PUKE! This isn't blernsball! What's our MOTTO?

CHILD: (obviously terrified) 'Our BALLS are made of STONE'?

SCRUFFY: Oh no! He's a'comin' YONDER!

LEBRUTESKI: I'm going to show you little maggots that any IDIOT can sweep like a CHAMPION! (to Fry) YOU! You look like you're a few kernels short of a cob! Show the kids how to sweep a stone into the HOUSE!

FRY: Uh, actually, sir, we're not really near any HOUSES...

LEBRUTESKI:(Furious, and spitting as he yells) THE CIRCLES, YOU MORON! PUT THE ROCK INSIDE THE CIRLCES!

FRY: Yipe... and eeyew! (picks up a stone) For those about to push a rock, I salute me! (Fry pushes his rock w/ his broom, and knocks Scruffy's and Leela's rocks out, leaving his in the bullseye) Uhh, is that ANY GOOD?

LEBRUTESKI: (looking at what just happened) What you just did... that's IMPOSSIBLE. It's AMAZING. It's... the STUFF OF CHAMPIONS. Young man, do you know who I am?

FRY: Dick the Brewski?

LEBRUTESKI: CLOSE ENOUGH. I'm looking for a team to coach in this year's WINTER OLYMPIC SWURLING COMPETITION and I think you could be it! How long have you been together as a team?

FRY: well, actually...

SCRUFFY: FIVE YEARS, Mr. Lebruteski. And let me just say Scruffy is a great admirer of yours-

LEBRUTESKI: TIE A KNOT IN IT, MUSTACHE! Here's the deal: I can take you to Olympic glory if you'll allow me to hone your skills.

LEELA: But this is actually only our FIRST TIME on the ice...

LEBRUTESKI: All the better! You're naturals, you don't need much TRAINING! People, I'm talking about the chance to be REMEMBERED for centuries to come. To be the BEST in the universe! It may seem like an impossible dream, but I can take you to the promised land.

BENDER: SOLD!

SCRUFFY: Scruffy's LIFE LONG DREAM a' comin' true!

FRY: I always wanted to see my face on something other than the back of a MILK CARTON!

LEBRUTESKI: EXCELLENT! Meet me here tomorrow for your first practice. The qualifying match is in two weeks!

TINNY TIM: But sir, what about our team in the junior sweepers league?

LEBRUTESKI: (hands Tinny Tim a huge sack of stones) Why don't you gather up the practice stones for my new team and maybe then I'll think about making you our official TOWEL RACK.

TINNY TIM: (takes the bag) Thank you, sir! (the ice underneath Tinny Tim breaks, swallowing him and the bag of stones up with a splash)

LATER THAT DAY...

'But we don't even know how to PLAY this game! Besides, the Professor will NEVER allow us to miss work...'

PROFESSOR: (close up of him screaming) What? That's the MOST PREPOSTEROUS thing I've ever heard! There's NO WAY IN HELL! (pan back to see him talking to Hermes) I'm sorry, Hermes, but removing the smoke detector from your office is out of the question! (turns to Leela) Now, on the matter of competing in the Olympics, OFF YOU GO!

LEELA: You're going to let us miss work to train?

PROFESSOR: Of course! With the Planet Express logo on your uniforms, you'll be the best COMMERCIAL I NEVER PAID FOR!

LEBRUTESKI: Good, good. Now if you'll just SIGN this contract...

LEELA: Contract? If we're not getting paid, why do we have to sign a contract?

LEBRUTESKI: It's just a small technicality that states that I'm allowed by law to BERATE, HUMILIATE and ABUSE you to ensure I get the most out of your ability.

BENDER: Oh, the BOBBY KNIGHT ADDNDUM!

LEELA: shouldn't we READ the contract first?

FRY: Don't be such a wet rag. Haven't you always dreamed of being the best in the universe at pushing rocks with a broom?

LEELA: NO!

FRY: Neither did I until I discovered I was good at it. Now we have the chance to represent everyone on Earth... and UNDER it! You OWE it to the FREAKY LOOKING SEWER MONSTERS you come from to at least TRY, Leela.

LEELA: All right, give me the stupid pen. But I have a BAD feeling about this.

BENDER: (to Lebruteski) Don't worry about her, coach. She even says that when she opens a can of chili.

THE DAY OF THE BIG GAME...

Fry and Scruffy are practicing on the ice, Leela is reading a book 'X's And O's Of Swurling'. Coach Lebruteski has 'programmed' Bender...

BENDER: WE HAVE TO GIVE A HUNDRED AND TEN PERCENT. THERE'S NO 'I' IN 'TEAM'. IF WE PLAY UP TO OUR CAPABILITIES, WE'LL WIN. IF YOU GIVE IT YOUR ALL, NO MATTER WHAT THE SCOREBOARD SAYS, YOU'RE WINNERS IN MY BOOK.

LEBRUTESKI: Good work, Bender.

FRY: Hey, coach, I think the natch is about to start. Here come the ZEBRAS.

LEBRUTESKI: Ah, the REFEREES. LOOK ALIVE, team!

REFEREE #1: (the refs are, indeed, zebras in uniforms) Coach, the other five teams have forfeited, making your team the champions of today's event. You will represent Earth at this year's games.

REFEREE #2: (Hands Lebruteski a large trophy) Congratulations, and GOOD LUCK! Make Earth PROUD!

FRY: We're going to THE OLYMPICS! And it's all thanks to YOU coach!

BENDER: I knew all the blood, sweat, and OIL would pay off!

LEELA: Doesn't anyone else think it's STRANGE that no one else showed up to compete?

FRY: Leela, it doesn't matter HOW we won. We earned the right to represent the people of our world by practicing, persevering, and wanting it more than the other guys.

LEELA: We did not! All we did was SHOW UP!

BENDER: How do you expect to win the gold with THAT ATTITUDE?

A FEW DAYS LATER...

PROFESSOR: (leaning over to see a patch on Fry's Olympic uniform) Our company logo is so legible! I can ALMOST read it from here!

FRY: These uniforms are GREAT! I can't wait to start SWEATING in them!

SCRUFFY: Scruffy's inner thighs don't CHAFE in these here pants.

BENDER: And my galvanized coating REALLY BREATHES in this material!

LEBRUTESKI: (puts an arm around the Professor) The support of Planet Express is great, Professor, but if we REALLY want to compete, we'll need a lot MORE corporate funding.

PROFESSOR: Oh? Like who?

LEBRUTESKI: (introduces a group walking in the door) These are just a few of the corporations that showed an interest in funding the team... Mom's Old-fashioned Robot Oil, Slurm, Olde Fortran, and Bachelor Chow.

FRY: (looking at a female robot) Is 'PLAYBOT' magazine sponsoring our team too?

BENDER: No, she's with me. My newfound jock status is VERY POPULAR with the ladies.

HOOKERBOT: C'mon honey. I'm ON THE CLOCK and it's QUARTERS ONLY.

LEBRUTESKI: With the help of these companies, your friends will have NO WORRIES about the actual competition itself. (The corporate reps gather around the team as he speaks, surrounding them in a cloud. When the dust settles, they are covered head to foot in advertisements, logos, and slogans) Isn't it BEAUTIFUL? THIS is what amateur athletics is ALL ABOUT.

PROFESSOR: (wipes away a tear) It does make the heart SWELL with pride.

FRY: Hey, where's Leela? Shouldn't she be here for this?

ACROSS TOWN...

Leela is at the Library. She is wearing her eyeglass, and has Nibbler on her lap. She has a holo-book opened in front of her.

LEELA: Let's find out a LITTLE BIT MORE about this Coach Lebruteski...

HOLO-BOOK: (shows a hologram of Coach Lebruteski) Coach Victor Lebruteski has led 14 teams in the Universal Olympic Games, 10 of those teams having won gold medals. But controversy has soiled the coach's RECENT Olympic appearances...(now shows him as a drunken, disheveled, and dirty bum) All the players from his last three teams have died or disappeared mysteriously before returning to Earth...

LEELA: I KNEW my intuition was right about Lebruteski! But what do I do now?

THE BIG DAY...

FRY: Leela, why don't you have your SWEATSUIT on? We're leaving in TEN MINUTES!

LEELA: (sitting down, eating at the kitchen table) I've given this a lot of thought, and I've decided I'm NOT GOING. Something's not right about the coach, and I feel like if we do all this, we won't come back ALIVE.

BENDER: And that differs from our NORMAL routine in what way?

LEELA: Besides, we have ALTERNATIVES. I'm sure one of them would LOVE to take my place on the ice.

FRY: But they've never played the game before!

ZOIDBERG: What with the WORRY, Fry? You've got your broom, you've got your rock,,, this 'SHIRLEY' game sounds as easy as molting.

FRY: The game's called 'SWURLING'!

ZOIDBERG: Fine, as long as there's a VICTORY DINNER, you can call it WHATEVER YOU WANT.

AMY: (striking a pose) It's Okay if Leela doesn't want to go Fry. I'LL take her place. Besides, only ONE of us has the CURVES to make this sweatsuit look GOOD.

LEELA: WHERE'S. MY. SWEATSUIT!?

LATER THAT DAY...

The Planet Express ship is coming in for a landing at the Olympic Stadium (with a sign that says 'Former winners, show your medal for 10% off your next meal at Elzar's Olympic Onion Ring Haus!'

FRY: LOOK OUT, Leela! You're gonna CRASH into the Olympic rings!

LEELA: (Swooping the ship through one of the rings) Relax, Fry. Don't you think I've learned to MANEUVER this sucker by NOW? (she then crashes it into the big screen at the end of the stadium) Oopsy!

STADIUM ANNOUNCER: ...We will now light the ceremonial Olympic FLAME, which has been carried by torch for over THREE YEARS and over FOUR HUNDRED JILLION MILES throughout the galaxy WITHOUT BEING EXTINGUISHED! (the crowd roars it's approval as a green alien comes up to the cauldron and lights it)

BENDER: ECHH! (sticks his hand out the window and pours out his beer) This beer tastes SKUNKY! (The beer extinguishes the cauldron the torch, and covers the alien who lit it) All right, people, Planet Express is in the HIZ-NOUSE!

CROWD: GASP! / BOO! / JERK! / YOU SUCK!

BENDER: (looking out the window down at the crowd) ALL RIGHT! It's a lively crowd!

LATER...

In the locker room...

LEBRUTESKI: People, you've waited your WHOLE LIVES for this moment and I know you won't let me, or yourselves, down.

FRY: I WAS waiting my whole life for the ACE OF BASE REUNION TOUR, but THIS is even better!

LEELA: Hmmm... what's wrong with THIS picture? (walks over to another team. They are Hammerhead Sharks) Uh, hi. I don't mean to bother you, but I'm from the Earth Swurling Team and I wanted to wish your team good luck.

SHARK #1: 'LUCK'? I WISH that's all we needed.

LEELA: Why? Is the competition really that TOUGH?

SHARK #1: It's not the competition you have to worry about- it's the ACTUAL ARENA that'll KILL you!

LEELA: What do you mean? Isn't it just ice?

SHARK #1: HELL NO! It's the Olympics! Everything is jacked up ten notches! There's the FOG and the CREATURES lurking under the ice... and I haven't even mentioned the part about the FLAMING ARROWS!

SHARK #2: Oooh, mention the flaming arrows!

SHARK #1: Not until I mention the CARNIVOROUS GOALIE who EATS the loosing team!

LEELA: OH NO! This is TERRIBLE! Why would anyone willingly PLAY this stupid game?

SHARK #1: Well, WE'RE convicted murderers. It was either this or a life sentence writing comic books with no possibility of parole.

LEELA: (turns back to her own team) We CAN'T go out there! IT'S SUICIDE!

ZOIDBERG: Oy, again with the DEATH WARNINGS!

LEELA: But as usual, I'm RIGHT! (points at Lebruteski) And HE knows it!

LEBRUTESKI: (plays dumb) What are you talking about?

LEELA: I'm talking about the fact that the OLYMPIC VERSION of swurling isn't just a game of pushing rocks with brooms! You didn't tell us about the MONSTERS and DEATHTRAPS!

LEBRUTESKI: (rolls eyes) So I left out a few MINOR details. That doesn't change the fact that you can WIN.

FRY: What do you mean?

LEELA: If we manage to live, but still loose the game, the goalie gets to EAT us!

BENDER: (feigns sickness) Ooh, I think I'm getting that computer virus that's going around. Zoidberg should take MY place on the team...

LEBRUTESKI: (waving their contracts in the air) Now listen here, you GUTLESS MAGGOT DROPPINGS! You're going to go out there and you're gonna WIN or you'll be SORRY! This contract says that if you finish with a medal, you will automatically become my slave. Then I get to sell you to sports teams throughout the universe where you'll work as costumed mascots for the LOWEST WAGE POSSIBLE... MINIMUM WAGE!

ZOIDBERG: HOORAY! I'm getting a RAISE!

LEELA: So the reason your teams never make it back to Earth alive is that they either DIE COMPETING, or the survivors are ENSLAVED for winning!

FRY: So the only reason you agreed to train us is so you could have MORE SLAVES?

LEBRUTESKI: No, Fry. I just wanted ONE LAST SHOT at glory. I've never seen a team with as much natural talent as yours, and, well, I figured you were my last chance. So how 'bout it? How 'bout winning one more for THE VICCER?

LEELA: Like we have a choice?

LEBRUTESKI: THAT'S the spirit!

A LITTLE LATER...

Fry, Bender, Scruffy, and Leela are out on the ice. The signage shows Earth vs. Oglomot

LEBRUTESKI: HERE WE GO NOW! Remember, no matter what the score is, you're WINNERS in my book... unless you DIE... or LOOSE. NO PRESSURE, though.

SCRUFFY: (holding the swurling stone) Scruffy reckons it's time we get this over with. (he puts the stone on the ice)

FRY: Maybe this won't be SO BAD...

Fog starts spraying out from the sides of the arena. Out of the fog, a flying chariot (with a horse's torso) and it's rider start shooting arrows, and the goalie appears- it is a humongous yellow creature with fangs, spikes coming out of it's chin, and it's head, running down it's back. It is dressed like a Gladiator with gear to protect it's arms. The crowd Roars it's approval.

BENDER: You HAD to say that, didn't you?

CROWD: (clapping) YEEEAAAH! / WOO HOO! / ALL RIGHT!

FRY: Geez, how come everything in the future has to be so OVER THE TOP?

BENDER: Do you think people would actually pay to watch us push rocks across the ice if it WASN'T?

SCRUFFY: Scruffy says LET'S ROLL! (Scruffy starts to push the rock down the ice)

LEELA: GO SCRUFFY!

SCRUFFY: (suddenly in a large bird's talons) HUH? Not so fast, BIRDY! (he pokes the bird in the eye with his broom handle, and the bird drops him on the ice)

FRY: Don't worry Scruffy. I'm gonna put the competition on ICE... (the flying horse/chariot and it's rider fire a flaming arrow at Fry, removing two of his hair horns) AHHHHHH! (starts running away) HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLP! (runs past Bender as he craps a brick. He continues until there is a wall around three sides of him)

BENDER: AHHHHH...

LEELA: I guess it's up to me, (Leela rushes up to the rock with her broom) HERE GOES NOTHING!

The swurling stone slides toward the goalie, suddenly changing direction at his feet, and sneaks in for a draw.

GOALIE: WHUH?

ARENA ANNOUNCER: SWUUUURRRRL!

LEELA: (sees the stone rest on the bullseye) I DID IT! I got a DRAW! We SCORED!

Suddenly, the 'stone' has two feet come out from underneath it.

HYPER-CHICKEN: STOP THE MATCH!

FRY: Hey, it's that chicken lawyer.

HYPER-CHICKEN: I say, I say now this here is a MESS O' BEANS y'all got yourself into. Do you know what those 'rocks' are that ya'll're usin'?

SCRUFFY: They're meteors.

HYPER-CHICKEN: Meteors? Why no, son, these here are EGGS!

LEELA / FRY / BENDER / SCRUFFY: EGGS!?

HYPER-CHICKEN: That's right, EGGS. ( a chick pops his head out of the top of one) They was knocked from out of a spaceship which was carryin' them over New New York the night of that there meteor shower. They belong to my SISTER, and there should be a HEAP MORE OF 'EM.

SCRUFFY: Bringing over the bag of swurling rocks/eggs) Scruffy's got 'em right here.

REFEREE: Sorry, but since the stones you're using are ILLEGAL, you are AUOTOMATICALLY DISQUALIFIED. Which means EXECUTION!

BENDER: DEATH!? I don't do WELL with that!

REFEREE: LET THE EXECUTION BEGIN!

LEELA: (to the Hyper-Chicken) WAIT! You're a lawyer. Couldn't you sue the Olympics for letting us use the eggs in the first place?

HYPER-CHICKEN: (thinking) BKKAAAAAW! You're RIGHT! We got ourselves a lawsuit!

OLYMPIC COMMITTEE: (coming onto the ice) Uh, wait, now this is all just a little MISUNDERSTANDING. If you'll drop the lawsuit, we'll forget the whole 'DEATH BY DISQUALIFICATION' thing.

FRY: DEAL!

LEBRUTESKI: (holding more eggs) Well, you may have SAVED yourselves for the moment, but don't forget about our little 'agreement'! (he waves their contracts in the air) You're still my slaves! Plus, I've got the eggs! I'll take them to a different galaxy and build another winning team!

FRY: Aw man. Where's a DAY-OOZE EX MACHINE HEAD when you need one?

LEELA: You mean a 'DEUS EX MACHINA'?

FRY: If that's what SAVES OUR BUTTS whenever we're in these hopeless situations, then YES!

LEBRUTESKI: What the...? (Lebruteski gets picked up by the giant bird and he drops the eggs)

BENDER: Don't worry, little eggies, I've got you! (Bender extends his arms and catches the eggs)

LEBRUTESKI: (as the bird and him go crashing through the arena roof and fly away) EEEYAAAAH!

FRY: that giant bird must have thought those were her eggs. She was protecting them!

BENDER: (wiping an eye) Sniff... Ain't motherhood grand?

LATER...

Everyone is aboard the Planet Express ship on the way home.

FRY: I can't believe we went to the Olympics and don't have ANYTHING to show for it!

LEELA: There's always the next Olympics, Fry. If we keep practicing, maybe we can go back to the games in four years, risk our lives again, and win a gold medal.

BENDER: WIN a medal? Why go through all the trouble... (reaches inside himself) when you can BUY one from ME!

FRY: Where did you get all those medals from, Bender?

BENDER: Let's just say I met some Champion SNOWBOARDERS who have a taste for SEAFOOD and were willing to BARTER, baby!

Scene- Zoidberg is sitting in a large pot of boiling water over a fire. He is surrounded my many obviously (and stereotypically drawn) stoned snowboarders.

STONED SNOWBOARDER: Dude, I'm, like, STARVED or something! Let the SEAFOOD FIESTA commence!

ZOIDBERG: I was promised not only a HOT JACUZZI by my good friend BENDER, but also a DINNER? HOORAY!

SCRUFFY: (in a caption bubble) Scruffy says get-a goin'!


(EXTRA) Advertisement-

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Martin Luther King Jr.'s head sez*

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THE ADVENTURE HAPPENS IN YOUR MOUTH, NOT IN YOUR HANDS!

Sold at fine 711 stores across the universe.

*Misspelling of the word 'says' implies that Dr. King's head did not actually say anything about Zapp Brannigan's Captain's Log candy bar.

(EXTRA) Let's see...WHAT'S IN BENDER'S CHEST!

  1. Collection of gold teeth from grave robbed corpses

  2. Hermes' Manwich

  3. Calculon's favorite Oil change shop

  4. Extra pair of eyes

  5. Photo of MOM

  6. Shiny Metal Ass brand® Ass Polish

  7. Duplicate set of keys to Planet Express Ship

  8. Fry's wallet

  9. First Aid Kit (never been used)

  10. 'All My Circuits: Season One' DVD set

  11. Beer

  12. Water balloons filled with Slurm

  13. Little Black Disk (with phone numbers of loose fembots)

  14. Some guy's heart

  15. Compromising photos of Fry

  16. Rubber chicken

  17. Restraining Order to stay away from Calculon

  18. Calculon's path from work to home

  19. Forgotten Spice Weasel (dead)

  20. Cigar Humidor

  21. X-mas list for Robot Santa

  22. Gay-dar satellite controls

  23. Bending license

  24. Calculon's address

  25. 'Gender Bender' tu-tu and wand

  26. Booze-cicles

  27. Professor's Folk Music CD (Woody Guthrie's head Live at Headstock)

  28. Gasoline can

  29. Elzar's personal cookbook

  30. Blueprint diagram of Bank of New New York

Buddies