Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #11: The Cure for the Common Clod
Transcribed by Umbreon

PATRIC M. VERRONE – SCRIPTTOM KING – PENCILSPHYLLIS NOVIN – INKS
JOEY MASON – COLORSKAREN BATES – LETTERSBILL MORRISON – EDITOR
MATT GROENING – DR. FEEL GOOD  

Fry sits in an oversized, high backed chair with lipstick marks all over his face. A woman dressed like a flapper from the 20’s(?) is in his lap.

WOMAN: Oh, Fry! Teach me your 31st century WAYS OF LOVE!

FRY: When Planet Express says, we “deliver the goods” we mean we really “DELIVER THE GOODS”…

Leela busts the door open with her shoulder and Bender peeks in.

LEELA: Fry, you idiot! The delivery to the PLANET OF DOUBLE ENTENDRES is NEXT week!

FRY: What?!? Then where ARE we?

BENDER: This is the planet with the civilization based on a book about GANGSTER FILMS.

LEELA: (points at the woman) And she’s the DON’S MOLL!

FRY: (bolts upright, dropping her) Then it wasn’t a coincidence that she looked so much like Angie Dickinson!

BENDER: You better get out of here before you get…

Three men appear in the doorway, all wielding tommy guns.

DON: … WHACKED!

BENDER: I was going for “BONED” but “WHACKED” is good, too.

THUG: Say your fershlugginer prayers, mac.

Fry throws up his hands, terrified.

LEELA: Wait! Surely a society based on gangster movies must have some CODE OF DECENCY.

BENDER: Yeah! The LEAST you could do is SHOOT HIM IN THE BACK.

MOBSTER: Our civilization isn’t based on gangster movies. It’s based on gangster movie PARODIES.

DON: Our forefathers found a copy of “Mad shoots up the gangster movies.” *shows them the magazine*

YOKEL TYPE GANGSTER: You know, like “The Clodfather” and “Boney and Clutz.”

Two more men, dressed in black suits and shades, show up.

MODERN GANGSTER: And don’t forget “Palp Friction.”

FRY: Then that makes you…

MOBSTER: … the usual GANG OF IDIOTS.

THUG: ENOUGH with the Potrzebie stalling.

DON: It’s time to FOLD this guy IN!

Fry, Leela, and Bender gasp. They are then hit in the face with pies. Fry falls backward onto a desk while Leela and Bender lie flat on the floor.

DON: C’mon, dollface. Let’s go to the PICTURE SHOW and look at some MARGINAL DRAWINGS by LORD ARAGONES.

WOMAN: (wipes some filling off of Fry’s face and tastes it) Mmm, coconut cream.

Bender and Leela begin to clean their faces off.

BENDER: I haven’t been this INSULTED since I was used as a teapot on the ALICE IN WONDERLAND PLANET.

LEELA: That was the SHERLOCK HOLMES PLANET. You disappeared down the RABBIT HOLE with the CATERPILLER’S HOOKAH on the Alice planet.

They both then turn and glare at Fry.

FRY: (shrugs) What, me stupid?

Later…

The ship flies away from the gangster planet.

FRY: Leela, I don’t FEEL so good.

BENDER: (puffs a cigar) You don’t look so good, either, but you don’t hear ME complaining. Heh, heh.

Bender turns and takes a good look at Fry. He’s sweaty, his hair is messed, his eyes are red and tearing, his tongue is green, his nose is dripping, and he’s a shade of purple.

BENDER: (drops his cigar, startled) Whoa! You DON’T look good. I’m filing a COMPLAINT.

Leela gets up and holds Fry’s mouth open.

LEELA: You probably caught something from KISSING that gangster dame. What’s wrong?

FRY: Mah thro an mah no an mah ho by huss.

She releases him while Bender cowers behind the back on his chair.

LEELA: Say what?

FRY: I said, “My throat and my nose and whole body hurts.” Besides… *he violently sneezes on a console*

LEELA: You can clean that up later. Right now you need REST. Take some NUMBQUIL. It’ll help you sleep.

BENDER: Or I could hit him in the head with a BOWLING BALL. That usually does the trick AT HOME.

LEELA: Poor kid. Bender, take the wheel. I’m going to check our SHIPBOARD MEDICAL BOOKS.

BENDER: Aye-aye, Captain. I’ll steer near the BLACK HOLES in case we have to JETTISON his LIFELESS CORPSE.

FRY: (lets his head fall on the console) Whatever.

Bender follows Leela into a room lined with books. She’s on a ladder halfway up a shelf.

BENDER: Wow. I didn’t know we had this room. You know, for a SMALL FEE, I could fit all this info on a silicon chip the size of a fingernail.

LEELA: No thanks. I love books.

BENDER: Me too. They make good DRINK COASTERS.

LEELA: (turns to show an open book to Bender) According to his symptoms, Fry has a RARE ILLNESS that was thought to be ERADICATED hundreds of years ago.

BENDER: What’s it called?

LEELA: THE COMMON COLD!

BENDER: (unimpressed) Oh.

Back home…

LEELA: Take a look at him, Dr. Zoidberg. I think he has the common cold.

ZOIDBERG: The common cold, you say? Very unusual.

Fry sits on a table with his shirt off so Zoidberg can listen to his heart.

AMY: (arms crossed) I think Fry is FAKING being sick just like that time he wanted to get out of going to the doctor.

ZOIDBERG: Why would anyone fake being sick? All my patients fake BEING WELL to AVOID seeing ME.

AMY: (clenches her fists) You’re just faking it because you want to WEASEL OUT of going to the ALL NIGHT RAVE my SORORITY is having at the LINGERIE WAREHOUSE tonight.

FRY: First of all, are you NUTS? And second of all… *violently sneezes*

AMY: (turns, covered in green mucus) He’s NOT faking.

LEELA/BENDER/HERMES: (also covered in green mucus) We know.

Amy turns to leave. Hermes and Bender wipe themselves off with napkins while Leela rubs her hair with a towel. Zoidberg puts his ‘ear’ to Fry’s chest.

ZOIDBERG: There’s something BEATING in here. I better open you up and get it out of there.

The professor walks into the middle of Leela and Hermes trying to hold a bone-saw wielding Zoidberg back. Fry looks unaware of the threat.

PROFESSOR: (holding a vial filled with red liquid) Good news, everyone! I have BAD NEWS, everyone! I’ve carefully examined Fry’s BODILY FLUIDS…

FRY: (looks at the vial) I don’t remember giving you a BLOOD SAMPLE!

PROFESSOR: This isn’t your blood sample—it’s your URINE sample.

LEELA: (still has Zoidberg in a headlock) Eww.

HERMES: Ooh, that’s not right.

BENDER: Neat.

ZOIDBERG: What’s the difference?

FRY: So what’s the bad news?

PROFESSOR: Because the GERM you’ve got was thought to be EXTINCT, the VACCINE that wiped it out was DESTROYED. As such, there is NO KNOWN CURE. Accordingly, you will have to be—

Everyone looks shocked.

FRY: What? What? I’ll have to be what?

BENDER: Put down?

ZOIDBERG: Experimented on?

HERMES: Reclassified?

The professor leads everyone to a giant sphere next to the hangar.

PROFESSOR: QUARANTINED!

FRY: QUARANTINED?

PROFESSOR: Oh my, yes. This kind of germ is HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS.

ZOIDBERG: HOORAY! A patient of mine who lived long enough to be contagious.

LEELA: (reading) According to my research, a strain of this germ was so contagious it caused a BRAIN SICKNESS that resulted in the sale of over 140 million Celine Dion albums.

FRY: (follows the Professor into the sphere) But I don’t want to live in a BUBBLE.

PROFESSOR: Nonsense, this is the TRAVOLTA 3000—the finest bubble made. They’ve thought of EVERYTHING!

LEELA: There’s a retractable bed, a sink, and a treadmill so you can do all the things you need to do.

HERMES: (points to a helmet Fry’s holding) And there’s a virtual reality helmet so you can do all the things you need to do.

BENDER: (holds up a tube that’s outside the bubble) What’s this TUBE for?

PROFESSOR: That’s the TOILET—so you can do the things you NEED to do.

FRY: (looks around) How does AIR get in?

PROFESSOR: (exits) Air you say? Maybe they DIDN’T think of everything. *puts on a welder’s mask and seals the doorway with a blowtorch, much to Fry’s dismay* Well, in you go! There, now at least he can’t STUPIDLY spread his STUPID disease like a STUPID contagious moron.

FRY: (quietly through the bubble) I can still hear you in here.

HERMES: Oh, the WORKER’S COMP FORMS on this are going to be a BUREAUCRATIC NIGHTMARE. *happily walks away* I can’t wait to start!

BENDER: Hey, old fart. If this disease is so contagious, what makes you think Fry hasn’t ALREADY given it to the rest of us?

PROFESSOR: Well, you’re a robot, and robots ONLY get sick in CRAPPY SCIENCE FICTION STORIES… *pulls two small plugs out of his nose* And I regularly wear my BREATHING AIDS which MECHANICALLY inflate and deflate my lungs using FILTERED AIR… Zoidberg is an alien who’s been eating GARBAGE for long enough that he’s BUILT UP A TOLERANCE to every germ known to exist…

ZOIDBERG: (poses) Diseases bow to the power of my mighty IMMUNE SYSTEM.

PROFESSOR: And Leela is a MUTANT who… well, actually, how do you feel?

LEELA: I’m fine. Although it IS a little warm in here.

She undresses while Bender, the Professor, and Zoidberg stare, mildly shocked. Fry presses himself against his glass bubble to get a better look.

LEELA: (drops her top) I feel like GATHERING SOME ACORNS.

No one tries to stop her as she jumps naked out a window.

PROFESSOR: That’s not like Leela. That’s not like Leela AT ALL.

BENDER: She usually has ME gather her acorns.

FRY: Where’d she go? I can’t see anything! The glass is steamed up!

PROFESSOR: Hmm. It appears that Fry’s 20th CENTURY GERM mutated in Leela’s 30th CENTURY BODY.

LEELA: (sits on a tree limb holding an acorn, across from a squirrel) Chrp chrp, chrp chrp chrp?

SQUIRREL: Chrp chrp, chrp chrp.

BENDER: Looks to me like she’s been reduced to a PRIMAL STATE.

PROFESSOR: Exactly so, my ferruginous friend.

ZOIDBERG: You mean, Leela’s INNERMOST DESIRE is to get naked with animals?

FRY: I’M an animal.

BENDER: Shut up, Fry. The ADULTS are talking.

PROFESSOR: We better go check on Hermes!

BENDER: (pats the bubble) Fry, keep an eye on Leela.

FRY: (wiping the steam away) I’m trying! I’M TRYING!

They head to Hermes’ office.

HERMES: (moving rapidly) Copy-collate-fax-file. Copy-collate-fax-file. Copy-collate-fax-file. Need it by YESTERDAY!

BENDER: No problem here. He’s just being his USUAL jerk bureaucrat self.

PROFESSOR: Oh no, it’s WORSE than we thought. Being a jerk bureaucrat IS his primal state.

ZOIDBERG: But if he’s in A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT, then all that leaves is Amy.

BENDER/PROFESSOR/ZOIDBERG: (panic stricken) AMY!!

The three of them are once again near the hangar, the occasional acorn getting flicked inside from the window.

PROFESSOR: There’s no telling what Amy’s PRIMAL URGES are. Knowing her, the whole city could be INFECTED by morning. What are we going to do?

BENDER: I could beat you over the head with Zoidberg until you come up with an idea.

ZOIDBERG: The robot MAKES SENSE.

PROFESSOR: (swats Zoidberg with a rolled up newspaper) No, he doesn’t. Not now. Not ever. But he might be USEFUL in finding Amy in ANOTHER WAY.

Bender cowers as the Professor reaches for his antenna.

BENDER: Hey, what are you doing? You can’t just grab a guy’s antenna like that. This isn’t PREP SCHOOL!

With a bit of tuning, Bender’s eyes go static-y and a video recording plays over his mouth.

AMY: “…you want to WEASEL OUT of going to the ALL NIGHT RAVE my SORORITY is having at the LINGERIE WAREHOUSE tonight.”

PROFESSOR: Of course! Her SORORITY LINGERIE RAVE. How stupid of me. I helped start that tradition when I was in KAPPA KAPPA WONG.

ZOIDBERG: Too much information.

BENDER: I didn’t know I could DO that.

PROFESSOR: Come Fry, we’re going to A CO-ED LINGERIE PARTY to find Amy, so we can stick her in there with you.

BENDER: Be careful. She’ll be WILDLY UNINHIBITED.

FRY: (lying on the floor) I wish I felt better.

PROFESSOR: To the Lingerie Warehouse! Before it’s TOO LATE.

Soon after…

Bender, the Professor, and Zoidberg, pulling Fry’s bubble along on a little red wagon, stare up at a large scene.

PROFESSOR: We’re TOO LATE.

A huge crowd of women wearing very revealing lingerie and bikinis wander around the party, drinking, dancing, and splashing in a pool.

FRY: I REALLY wish I felt better.

Two women in nighties walk up to them.

BLONDE: Can we help you?

PROFESSOR: We’re looking for Amy Wong. Obviously she’s been here.

REDHEAD: No, she never made it. Someone saw her at THE LIBRARY. She said she wasn’t feeling well.

ZOIDBERG: She never made it? But this party. It’s so…

REDHEAD: DISAPPOINTING? Yeah. USUALLY our parties are REALLY WILD.

BLONDE: That’s ‘cause Amy’s not here. If you see her, tell her we miss her.

PROFESSOR: (turns to leave) Then it’s off to the library. I really must remember to RENEW my SORORITY MEMBERSHIP.

FRY: (sits slumped) You can just leave me here to die, Zoidberg.

Outside the New New York Public Library, all the windows are dark except one.

PROFESSOR: Amy must be UP THERE.

ZOIDBERG: How do you know?

PROFESSOR: There’s ONE LIGHT on—in THE WONG WING.

They head for the entrance.

PROFESSOR: (rattles the doors) We can’t get in AFTER HOURS. It’s LOCKED!

BENDER: That’s because you’re using the DAYTIME entrance. What you want is the NIGHTTIME entrance. Leave Fry here, and I’ll show you.

They end up on the roof, with a grappling hook on the floor and the lock to a skylight undone.

BENDER: Never send a PROFESSOR to do a BENDER’S JOB. After you.

Zoidberg and the Professor step into the entrance. They tumble through with Zoidberg landing on a table and breaking the Professor’s fall.

BENDER: I should have WARNED you about that FIRST STEP.

They regain their composure while Bender safely lowers himself by extending his arm.

ZOIDBERG: I can hear her. She’s over there.

PROFESSOR: Strange. It sounds like she’s trying to…

AMY: The continuum of a logarithmic integral times X minus Pi times X is less than or equal to…

PROFESSOR: PROVE RIEMANN’S HYPOTHESIS.

A few papers covered with notes are on the table. Amy sits in the middle of a pile of books with a pencil in her hand, one behind her ear, and thick black-rimmed glasses.

AMY: QUIET! Can’t you see I’m trying to FUNCTION COMPLEX CONJUGATES along a CRITICAL LINE!?

ZOIDBERG: Ooh. She’s sick. VERY SICK.

PROFESSOR: She’s sick alright, but she’s CONTAINED. If I know Riemann’s Hypothesis, and being a SUPER NERD I KNOW Riemann’s Hypothesis, she’ll be stuck here for days.

BENDER: Good, then the city is SAFE. I’ll just hoist you two back upstairs, and we’ll head home.

ZOIDBERG: (rubs his head) I think I’ll use the FRONT door.

BENDER: Suit yourself!

ZOIDBERG: (opens the door and it knocks Fry’s bubble off the wagon it was perched on) Oopsie!

FRY: HEELLLLPP!!

He rolls past a construction site.

SAL: (sitting with a sandwich) This reminds mes of my hamsters, Nibbles.

BENDER: (watches Fry land in water from the library’s roof) It looks like that BODY OF WATER slowed him down. Should we fish him out or wait ‘til it floats to the top?

PROFESSOR: Might as well fish him out. The DAMAGE is done.

BENDER: What do you mean?

PROFESSOR: (points) Look!

Fry’s glass bubble has opened and he is thrashing about in the water. Above him there is a large sign that reads:

‘City Water Supply

No swimming,

No fishing,

No contaminating”

PROFESSOR: To quote the latin, “Bonedus art weus.”

The next day…

MORBO: New New Yorkers found themselves SUCCUMBING to primal urges throughout the city today. Even ROBOTS are acting AGAINST THEIR PROGRAMMING as if part of some CRAPPY SCIENCE FICTION STORY. This is your old pal Morbo, wishing you all love, laughter, and lollipops.

A large party takes place in the Central Park. Some Amazonians run a stall marked ‘Bake Sale’, Bureaucrat number 1.0 flies around with his desk reading a paper, Smitty, URL, Walt, Larry, Igner, Mayor Poopenmeyer, and Wernstrom dance around a maypole, Omicronians, Cygnoids, Neptunians, and slugs from Wormulon form a pyramid with Morbo at the top, the hyper chicken lawyer flies around, holding an olive branch and arrows in his talons, Kif floats around filling himself with gas from a helium tank, the cast of All My Circuts cavorts, Morgan Proctor arm wrestles with a nerd at a picnic table, Bubblegum Tate plays checkers with Master Fnog, Fishy Joe is wearing a pink tutu and being lifted by the Australian man, Leo and Inez Wong are dressed like hippies, H.G. Blob covers Nixon’s headjar with daises, Amy pushes a wheelbarrow filled with books down the street, Scruffy rides a unicycle wearing a pink mumu, Victor hands the key to a hovercar to the skinny crack addict, the orphans chase Mr. Vogel, who is wearing a wig with large curls and carrying a oversized lollipop, Zapp rides around on a hoverskateboard, Judge Whitey rides a hovermotorcycle and wears leather, Cubert blocks his way to help Hattie across the street, Barbados Slim, the alien Chihuahua doctor, a human, and Tinny Tim stand around a table labeled “Free food” where Elzar holds out plates, and, of course, Leela is still naked in a tree hanging out with animals, one of which is Gunter.

Bender, the Professor, and Zoidberg watch the party from the lounge window.

BENDER: Well, it’s a MORE COLORFUL version of ARMAGEDDON than I prayed for, but it’s a GOOD START.

ZOIDBERG: What do we do now?

PROFESSOR: Simple, we just have to make sure that the germs don’t get outside of New New York.

FRY: (walks in) I’m feeling BETTER now. Is there anything I can do to help?

PROFESSOR: (hefts up a square box with a plunger labeled ‘Doomsday Device’) No, you’ve done QUITE ENOUGH, thank you. I’m perfectly able to destroy the population of a large metropolitan area MYSELF.

AMY: (enters with a pencil still behind her ear, holding up her left sleeve) Does anyone know what all these MATH NOTATIONS are doing on my arm?

BENDER: (grabs the plunger) Hold up the civic destruction, Mr. Liver Spots. Amy may have a fact worth knowing.

PROFESSOR: Oh, all right.

FRY: Amy, you were trying to solve some crazy math problem, don’t you REMEMBER?

AMY: (hops) The only thing I remember was that I had a wicked sneezing fit, I blew my nose, and now I feel like partying.

ZOIDBERG: Did you blow your nose in a LACE HANKY?

AMY: Yes, but you can’t have it to make SOUP, Zoidberg.

ZOIDBERG: I wouldn’t WANT to. It’s already spoken for. (points) LOOK!

A knee-high yellow blob that looks like a runny gumdrop slides across the floor, leaving a slime trail with the hanky lodged inside.

FRY/ZOIDBERG/PROFESSOR: Ew.

AMY: Gew.

FRY: What is it?

BENDER: It’s a GIANT GERM BLOB, you giant jerkwad! I’ll get the DISINFECTANT.

ZOIDBERG: Nobody touch it! Or if you do, WASH YOUR HANDS thoroughly before PREPARING FOOD.

AMY: (watches the blob leave) That came out of ME? But I’m normally so demure.

PROFESSOR: (points out the window) Apparently you’re not the only one who’s SNEEZE-BLASTING behemoth bacteria. Look!

Mayor Poopenmeyer, Bubblegum, and Mom all sneeze yellow blobs.

PROFESSOR: Fry’s common cold germ, once released from the mucous membrane, METASTASIZES into some kind of UN-common cold germ.

ZOIDBERG: And it’s BIG, too.

The small germ blobs all begin to head for the same spot, sending Wernstrom, Walt, and Zapp running.

FRY: Now they’re all MERGING into ONE BIG MASS! Professor, what gives?

PROFESSOR: It looks like a form of REVERSE MITOSIS! It’s becoming one, great big…

All the germs finish combining, forming a blob taller than the trees in the park.

PROFESSOR: SUPER GERM!

BENDER: (turns to Fry) If we live through this, Fry, I’m going to give you SUCH A PINCH.

HERMES: (runs in) There’s a MACRO-MICROORGANISM outside heading this way. It’s huge and ugly and slow, and it’s devouring everything in its path. And this time, it ISN’T Zoidberg!

ZOIDBERG: Thank you for MENTIONING me!

PROFESSOR: (picks up his doomsday device again) All right, germ. I’m willing to SACRIFICE a MILLION HUMAN LIVES to see if I can have even the SLIGHTEST EFFECT on you.

Leela runs in next, fully clothed and with a small blue germ-blob on a leash.

LEELA: Professor, wait!

PROFESSOR: NOW what?

ZOIDBERG: LEELA?!

HERMES: Where have you been?

FRY: Why aren’t you STILL NAKED?

AMY: Why isn’t that SPLING on your leash merging with the big germ blob?

LEELA: I’m not sure. All I know is, I sneezed it out, and when it CRAWLED OVER to the big blob, the BIG germ MOVED AWAY. WATCH!

They go out on the balcony. The blue germ jumps over the edge toward the larger blob, which is now taller than the Planet Express building. The blob groans and turns, heading down the street. Leela uses the leash to reel the small germ in.

BENDER: Wow! Pony Tail’s GOT something here.

FRY: (raises his arms) Yeah! That BIG COWARD is RUNNING AWAY from here…

HERMES: … and it’s heading straight toward CITIHALL!

BENDER: (dusts off his hands) Well, our work is done. Can’t say the same for the Mayor, though.

LEELA: (watches the blue blob) I think it must be MY MUTANT METABOLISM. My blob is an ANTIBODY. But it’s TOO SMALL to do anything except SCARE the big blob.

FRY: Maybe if we had a WHOLE PETRIE DISH full of antibodies, like in that disgusting film I saw in health class. Penicillin, yuck.

PROFESSOR: (holds up his doomsday device) Or maybe… *Leela snatches it away* Fine. I’ll just save it for New Years Eve.

FRY: To destroy the big blob, we need AN ARMY OF LEEA’S GERMS.

PROFESSOR: Yes, and army of fresh mutant metabolisms.

FRY: Where are we going to get THAT?

LEELA: Well…

Soon after, and slightly below…

Bender, Fry, and Leela stand on the docks by Lake Mutagenic, surrounded by the sewer mutants.

RAOUL: You’re telling us that, in order to DEFEAT a giant germ blob that is OVERTAKING YOUR CITY, you want the ENTIRE MUTANT POPULATION to sneeze out AN ENORMOUS ANTIDOTE BLOB?

VIOLET: What is this, some kind of CRAPPY SCIENCE FICTION STORY?

DWAYNE: Yeah, what do you REALLY want from us?

LEG MUTANT: I’ll bet they’re selling MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS.

LEELA: Look, we’re TELLING THE TRUTH. Fry caught a 20th century germ that made us all revert to primal beings and carry on wildly.

BENDER: (glances at the crowd) Leela got naked with some furry tree creatures.

MORRIS: Just a minute, young lady. Are you saying this germ made everyone, including you, go into AN INHIBITION-FREE FRENZY?

LEELA: (hides her face and blushes) Yes, dad.

MORRIS: CONFERENCE!

The mutants huddle together and mumble.

LEELA: (glares at Bender) Don’t you know when to hit your mute button?

BENDER: (crosses his arms) I can’t help it if I’m a truth-teller.

MORRIS: Considering the way mutants have been treated by the “SEWAGE DEFICIENT” UPPER SOCIETY…

MUNDA: … and also considering the BIZARRE SIDE EFFECTS of what you propose, our response to you is one word…

MUTANTS: PARTY!!!

LEELA: Mom! Dad! You’re EMBARRASSING me!

MORRIS: Hey, you weren’t so high and mighty when you were getting jiggy with those critters.

MUNDA: Besides, we don’t get a lot of excuses to let our TENTACLES down.

Three mutant women, Violet, one who looks like Madusa with a mermaid tail, and another with pink skin and stalk eyes, walk up to Fry.

VIOLET: Enough talk! Let’s get this SNEEZE-ATHON started. Lay some germ on me, TALL, DARK, AND PROPERLY-FORMED.

FRY: I can’t. I’m not sick anymore.

MERMAID WOMAN: Isn’t that TYPICAL?

PINK MUTANT: There’s always SOME EXCUSE.

BENDER: (grabs Fry’s collar and raises a bent pipe) You better get sick, boy, or you’re going to have to answer to Mr. Pipe.

LEELA: Fry’s right for a change. His body has built up an immunity. We have to find some other source for the germ.

FRY: You remember when I sneezed on THE SHIP’S CONSOLE and you told me to CLEAN IT UP LATER? Well…

On the ship, Fry points to the still oozing console.

FRY: … I never GOT AROUND to it.

LEELA: Then now’s your chance to clean it up. And you can SAVE CITIHALL while you’re at it.

FRY: Are we sure the germs are STILL ACTIVE?

BENDER: (extends his eyes) They’re still active. *germs sit around playing cards, shuffleboard, chess, and slide around with walkers* They’ve reached RETIREMENT AGE, but they’re still active.

LEELA: Then let’s get them down to the mutants. We’ve got some INFECTIN’ to do.

Back in the sewers, Leela carries a jar of yellow gunk.

LEELA: Okay, in order to DISPENSE the germs I’ll need a HUMIDIFIER. Does anyone have one?

LEG MUTANT: Hey, lady, we live in a sewer. That’s the LAST THING we need.

BENDER: No sweat—so to speak. I’ve got you covered.

He removes his antenna and places a funnel in his head. Leela empties the jar into his head, he replaces his antenna, and pumps it, spraying vaporized germs on everyone.

Later…

Dwayne sits playing his guitar while the other mutants cavort. Morris and Munda are wearing cowboy hats and square dancing. Fry and Bender are asleep back to back on the ground.

DWAYNE: ♫ There is a house in New Orleans, they call the Rising Sun, and it’s been the ruin of many a poor mutant, and God, I know, I’m one or more… ♪

RAOUL: (does a handstand) Look at me, I’m a TRIPOD!

LEG MUTANT: (standing on a dancing Violet’s head) So what? I’m a TOTEM POLE!

LEELA: (blushes again) Oh lord.

Leg Mutant suddenly sneezes a blob of blue.

LEELA: Gesundheit! And it’s about time. *she walks over to Fry and Bender while all the mutants begin sneezing antibodies* C’mon boys. The party’s over. Let’s go to work.

BENDER: (rubs his eyes) But I was having a WONDERFUL DREAM where I turned into a BOTTOMLESS KEG.

FRY: (scratches his behind) Who are you kidding? You ARE a bottomless keg.

They climb up to the surface through a manhole and see a crowd of blue blobs in the street.

LEELA: It’s WORKING. The antibodies are MERGING TOGETHER!

BENDER: I’m learning so much about HUMAN ANATOMY today.

FRY: Me too.

Some mutants climb up through the hole after them.

RAOUL: Our antibodies are about to attack.

VIOLET: Oh, I’m so PROUD.

DWAYNE: It’s REALLY sunny up here.

LEG MUTANT: You’re just HUNG OVER.

The germ and antibody blobs rear at each other, then slam together. They twist and squeeze, eventually exploding with a loud ‘SPLORCH!’ A green haze forms, raining down globs of green goo on everyone.

RAOUL: Are you sure that’s what you had in mind?

LEELA: Bender, are they still active?

Bender extends one eye, focusing on some gunk hanging from Leela’s bangs. All the tiny germs have ‘X’s for eyes.

BENDER: NEGATIVE. We have achieved DISINFECTION. I REPEAT, we have ACHIEVED DISINFECTION. THREE CHEERS for the GROTESQUE FREAKS OF NATURE.

Fry and Leela cheer.

RAOUL: And three more cheers for US!

Later, at a Citihall ceremony…

Fry, Leela, Bender, Raoul, Dwayne, and Violet all have medals hanging around their necks and stand on the steps with the Mayor, who is holding a jar filled with yellow.

POOPENMEYER: … and as REPAYMENT for saving our fair city, I present to the disgusting mutants who live beneath it, a LIFETIME SUPPLY of the germ that causes the common cold. Enjoy!

The mermaid woman and pink mutant move closer to Fry.

MERMAID WOMAN: Want to party with us?

FRY: Uh, gee, I think I’m coming down with something.

PINK MUTANT: Ooh, yeah, that’s what we were COUNTING ON.

MORBO: (in a caption bubble) Another sickeningly happy ending. Morbo hates you all!



(EXTRA) Matt Groening presents Leela & Amy in Hostile Makeover

ERIC ROGERS – SCRIPTMIKE KAZALEH – PENCILSMIKE ROTE – INKS
CHRIS UNGAR – COLORSKAREN BATES – LETTERSBILL MORRISON – EDITOR

Leela sits in the lounge with a magazine when Amy walks in with a cup of coffee.

LEELA: (sighs) What a boring day. No one’s seen or heard from Zoidberg since he went to have dinner with Bender and Fry last night. Fry called in sick with food poisoning after eating the DINNER Bender made… *looks back down at the magazine* … and Bender called to say he can’t come to work until after the POLICE stop looking for him for some ODD REASON.

AMY: Wow, all of that IS boring. LET’S GO SHOPPING!

At the mall…

Amy drags Leela in by her hand.

AMY: Leela, today’s the day you step out of that homebody and into a sexy NEW you! I’m giving you a MAKEOVER!

LEELA: But I’m really okay with myself just how I am.

AMY: That’s because you’re so SAD and LONELY. Let’s change that!

Leela makes a face at her.

A little later…

Leela sits in a salon getting her hair cut by a fuchsia-colored bug-like alien. She now has Amy’s hairstyle in her natural purple.

AMY: Oh my glod! You’re ALMOST kind of cute!

After that…

In a clothing store, Leela is now wearing brown boots and a pink sweat suit.

AMY: That is DARLING! I would SO buy that if you weren’t!

LEELA: But I…

Leela and Amy later walk through the mall holding bags, with male humans, robots, and aliens watching them.

LEELA: Wow, I’ve never had SO MANY MEN stare at me before. I wish we would’ve done this makeover a long time ago, Amy!

AMY: (frowns, thinks) Hmmm…*she grabs Leela’s hand again, running to a store called ‘Buy ‘N’ Large Clothes by the yard’* There’s ONE MORE place to hit before we’re done.

LEELA: HEY!

Amy has Leela in an oversized yellow dress with blue squiggles all over it and bright orange shoes.

LEELA: Amy, this dress doesn’t fit right…

AMY: Are you KIDDING? Your hips and butt fill it PERFECTLY! *she places a tall, blue, and very familiar looking wig on Leela’s head* And the wig is like the cherry on top of a sundae! Trust me!

Sometime after that…

The same men that were staring now grimace.

LEELA: I look horrible! All of these men are staring at me like I’m ZOIDBERG!

AMY: You shouldn’t care what guys think of your looks, Leela. Especially when you’re with ME!

LEELA: (frowns, thinks) Hmmm… *she drags Amy to a different store* Amy, I saw an outfit in here you have to get!

AMY: Sluttery Barn? I wonder why I’ve never heard of this place. It sounds expensive!

LEELA: Well, it doesn’t cost anything to try things on.

Minutes later…

Amy stands in front of a mirror in a red tube top, small red skirt, and red heels. The price tag reads $5,000. Leela holds their bags and Amy’s clothes.

AMY: I look so HOT in this outfit! I wonder how much it costs. Do you think I should get it?

LEELA: The skirt looks a little baggy. I’ll just go see if they have it in a SMALLER SIZE!

AMY: Cool! Thanks, Leela!

A moment later…

Leela runs out of the store still holding Amy’s clothes.

AMY: (runs after her) Hey, where are you going with MY CLOTHES?!?

LEELA: You deserve a makeover, too, Amy!

STORE CLERK: (wraps a tentacle around Amy’s arm) Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you can’t leave the store in that outfit unless you BUY IT!

Smitty and URL hold Amy’s arms.

AMY: But I don’t have any other clothes to wear!!

STORE CLERK: Then that’ll be $5,000 plus tax!

Leela is back in her regular clothes, talking with a man and a manbot and leaning on a trash can that holds boots and a pink sweat suit.

THE END

Buddies