Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #14: Six Characters In Search Of A Story
Transcribed by Umbreon

(Transcriber’s note: For this comic, panels will be marked as well as who is speaking. The Professor will explain why.)

PATRIC M. VERRONE – SCRIPTTOM KING – PENCILSPHYLLIS NOVIN – INKS
JOEY MASON – COLORSKAREN BATES – LETTERSBILL MORRISON – EDITOR
MATT GROENING – BENDER WRANGLER  

PROFESSOR: GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! And I do mean EVERYONE, including YOU, my comic-reading simpleton. You hold in your hands my LATEST INVENTION – a comic book you can read SEVEN different ways! Yes, my dull friend, you can read it normally, of course, but you can also read each character’s story INDIVIDUALLY just by reading the same panel on every page! Fry’s story is in the upper left corner, Bender’s is in the upper right, Leela’s is in the middle right, etc. Isn’t the future wonderful? For those of you who don’t understand rhetorical questions, the answer is, “Yes, the future IS wonderful!” Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to continue my nap…

The crew sits around the conference table while the Professor snores loudly.

Fry

FRY: What was all that about simpletons and upper left corners?

LEELA: He’s just babbling again. This ALWAYS happens when someone spikes his prune smoothie.

Bender

BENDER: (holds up a glass) Ah, yes, a little Mountain Dew Code Red in the goose juice, and he sleeps like a BABY.

AMY: A 160-year-old, wrinkled up, CALCIFIED baby to be exact.

Hermes

HERMES: (holding some papers) This is no good. We have some important business decision to make which need the professor to be as lucid as possible.

BENDER: (grabs the professor’s shoulders) This is the best you’re gonna get, dread-head. Unless you want me to shake some blood into his skull.

Scruffy

SCRUFFY: (winks) Watch this panel for SCRUFFY’S story.

Leela

LEELA: Okay people, let’s not be dopes! This is the professor’s 3 P.M. nap. We should find something to fill the time while he sleeps. Anyone up for rebuilding the Roman Empire?

Amy

AMY: (covers her ears) SPLOUCH! That snoring is unbearable. Can’t we wake him up?

BENDER: (covers his right “ear” and winces) No. THAT would be unbearable.

Zoidberg

The professor stops snoring.

HERMES: WAIT! The professor’s stopped making noise. Dr. Zoidberg, is he…?

ZOIDBERG: Yes, Hermess, I’m afraid he is… ASLEEP. Now could someone please get me something to cool the body down before the smell gets any worse?

Fry

FRY: Don’t look at ME. I don’t even know where we keep the ice.

LEELA: Don’t worry, he’s fine. Let’s ditch Zoidberg before the professor regains consciousness. Or at least before he wakes up.

Bender

BENDER: (digs in the professor’s pockets) I like the way you think, sister. But if you really want to take advantage of Commander Coma, let me show you something really NEAT…

Hermes

Bender turns the professor upside down and shakes.

HERMES: Sweet Nematode of Abbey Road! Look what fell out of his pocket!

AMY/ZOIDBERG/BENDER/LEELA: It’s the key to the professor’s SECRET ROOM!

FRY: Some secret.

Leela

AMY: (holds up a key) I have an idea! Let’s all go down to the professor’s secret room and see what “skeletons” he has hiding in his closet… I mean, besides the ACTUAL skeletons.

LEELA: No. I will not allow the rest of you in invade this man’s PRIVACY by exploring his most precious, personal, and undoubtedly DISGUSTING secrets.

Amy

AMY: (walks off holding up a key) Then I have a BETTER idea. Let’s all go down to the professor’s secret room and see what skeletons he has hiding in his closet… I mean, besides the ACTUAL skeletons.

FRY/BENDER/HERMES: YEAH!

LEELA: But…

BENDER: Don’t worry, Leela, you wouldn’t be interested in this anyway. It promises to be FUN.

Zoidberg

The professor begins snoring again as Leela leaves the room.

ZOIDBERG: Friends, the snoring has started again! HOORAY! Zoidberg is a hero, and you are all witnesses! Hey, where’d everyone go?

Fry

Later…

Zoidberg is coming down a flight of stairs that everyone else is at the bottom of.

ZOIDBERG: THERE you are! I’ve been searching for twenty minutes!

BENDER: So much for ditching Zoidberg.

LEELA: We WOULD have if Fry hadn’t left that trail of crumbs.

FRY: I didn’t mean to. I must have a hole in the pocket where I keep my moon pies.

Bender

Bender opens a door that reads ‘Professor Farnsworth’s PRIVATE PARTS’

BENDER: (waves the group in) Enter at your own peril, people.

AMY: WOW! So THIS is the secret room.

Hermes

Fry and Amy begin to look at different things in then secret room, leaving Bender by the door.

HERMES: The ROOM isn’t the secret—it’s what’s inside. In fact, make sure nothing gets out. Will you shut the door, Bender?

BENDER: Maybe I will. Or maybe I won’t. Or maybe Fry will. Or maybe Amy will…

Leela

LEELA: (follows everyone into the room and shuts the door) Or, maybe I will. So, what is all this garbage?

HERMES: Oh, it’s not garbage. If it was, Zoidberg would have EATEN it by now.

Amy

AMY: SPLOW! This room is filled with every incomplete invention the professor ever completed.

HERMES: And a few that he never even started to complete, like this INCOMPLETE INVENTION COMPLETER.

Zoidberg

ZOIDBERG: (enters the secret room after everyone) At last! We are all together again. What did I miss?

BENDER: The part where we said “Get lost.” Oh yeah! Bender shoots and scores.

Fry

ZOIDBERG: Fry, thank you for that WONDERFUL feast of moon pie droppings.

FRY: (holding what looks like a small keyboard) Uh, no problem.

Bender

FRY: (plays with a small invention) Get a load of this thing. It’s called a “REPEATER.”

ZOIDBERG: I’ve seen better. Go show it to the ROBOT.

Hermes

FRY: (walks up to Bender) Get a load of this thing. It’s called a “REPEATER.”

BENDER: (points at Hermes, who is digging through a bag labeled ‘weapons of mass destruction) Big whoop. Go bother Hermes.

Scruffy

SCRUFFY: Bet you’re yearing for a little SCRUFFY ACTION right about now. Stay tuned.

Leela

FRY: (walks up to Hermes) Get a load of this thing. It’s called a “REPEATER.”

HERMES: So what? See if Leela cares.

Amy

FRY: (walks up to Leela) Get a load of this thing. It’s called a “REPEATER.”

LEELA: (looks at something that looks like a gramophone) That’s nice, Fry. Maybe Amy will want to play with you.

Zoidberg

FRY: (walks up to Amy) Get a load of this thing. It’s called a “REPEATER.”

AMY: (picks up what looks like an 8mm projector) Big shmeal. Hey, Zoidberg, turn around.

Fry

FRY: (turns a knob on the repeater) Get a load of this thing. It’s called a “REPEATER.”

ZOIDBERG: Fry, thank you for that FANTASTIC feast of moon pie droppings.

FRY: Aw, it doesn’t work. You said “wonderful” the first time. Hey, Bender, I can’t find anything fun to play with.

Bender

Bender: (stands by a copy machine, holding two rabbits) Don’t bother me now, Fry. I found THE GREATEST INVENTION IN THE WORLD! It can DUPLICATE anything. Look, I can make rabbits multiply like… like rabbits. Hey, everybody, take a closer look at me, Bender…

Hermes

HERMES: (holds up a ray gun and a black book) Not now, tin mon. I just found an INVISIBILITY RAY. It’s FANTASTIC! Don’t you just love the size of the operator’s manual on this baby?

Leela

LEELA: (oils the handle of the gramophone machine) I realize this might surprise you, but I DON’T. Besides, I’m trying to figure out how to work this ULTRA-SOPHISTICATED, SUB-ATOMIC MATTER TRANSPORTER. I can’t tell if it runs at 331/3 or 45 RPM.

All

Amy uses the invention she picked up, which projects a small copy of Zoidberg singing into a microphone. Fry, Bender, and Leela turn away from their inventions to watch.

BENDER: What’s with the mini-Zoidberg? Is that a machine that makes bait?

AMY: No, it’s a HOLOGRAMOPHONE! It projects a 3-D image of ANYPLACE in the universe. It just happens to be set on a LOW BRAINWAVE FREQUENCY.

ZOIDBERG: Look at ME! I’ve got a MR. MICROPHONE! Hey good lookin’, we’ll be back to pick you up later.

MORBO: (in caption bubble) ATTENTION, READERS! Panels that take up more than one-sixth of the page must be included when reading ANY of the stories they cover. If you ignore this instruction YOU WILL BE DESTROYED! Remember: read the full panels for each story they cover… OR ELSE!

BENDER: (holds up his arms before the copier) Fret not! Your problems are solved! This COPYING MACHINE is the greatest invention since me, Bender. And as a gesture of good will to all you creatures, I will use it to duplicate the most WONDERFUL THINGS the universe has to offer! Your wish is my command!

FRY: (points) Will you make me another Mr. Microphone like Zoidberg’s?

BENDER: Hell, no.

Hermes

HERMES: (looks at the side of the ray gun) I don’t want to be a downer, people…

BENDER: Too late.

HERMES: … but unless I mistranslated the alien warning label on this here ray gun, these inventions haven’t been FIELD TESTED. They may CAUSE more trouble than they SOLVE.

Leela

BENDER: (looking up from his copier) What difference does it make?

LEELA: Bender, don’t be such a metal head. The professor kept these inventions hidden here for a reason. They may not work at all.

Amy

AMY: (activates the projector again, showing a miniature image of the professor) I don’t know about the other junk in this room, but this invention works PERFECTLY. See? There’s the professor.

PROFESSOR: (in projection) My FAVORITE half-baked invention is the HOLOGRAMOPHONE. Now, if I can just keep it from shredding the delicate fabric of space-time. *snores*

FRY: Maybe he means a DIFFERENT hologramophone.

Zoidberg

Fry notices that Zoidberg has put down his Mr. Microphone because he’s spotted something more interesting. The device looks like a blue mail box with ‘reality generator’ written on the side.

ZOIDBERG: Hold everything, my lung-dependent friends! Look what it says on this box, “Insert picture here.” A REVERSE CAMERA is it maybe? Everyone, come and take a look!

Fry

FRY: (picks up the Mr. Microphone while Zoidberg is distracted) Hey! THIS isn’t a Mr. Microphone! This isn’t a Mr. Microphone AT ALL! I’ve got to get out of here.

Bender

Fry heads toward the door.

BENDER: I have something especially great in mind to copy. But I can’t let these morons moron-it up.

Hermes

Bender begins to wheel the copier to the door.

HERMES: (tucks the ray gun into his jacket) Of course, with an invisibility ray, if any problems DO arise, it should be no problem to make them disappear!

Leela

Hermes heads toward the door.

LEELA: (eyes the teleporter) You know, you never can tell when I might need to transport some matter. Especially SUB-ATOMICALLY.

Amy

AMY: (smiles at the mini-projector, thinks) I wonder if I can see what my boyfriend, KIF, is doing right now? I also wonder why I’m calling him “MY BOYFRIND KIF” in my own thoughts?

Zoidberg

ZOIDBERG: (holds up a picture) Observe as I insert the photo I carry in my wallet of my long, lost love… a ham sandwich.

Fry

FRY: (turns on his way out) Uh, I have to go. I have to wash my hair. Bye!

Bender

BENDER: (wheels out the copier) I have to go. I have to wash my, uh… head. So long.

Hermes

HERMES: I have to get my dreads dry cleaned. See ya.

Leela

LEELA: (pushes the teleportor out the door) I… go… hair… whatever.

Amy

AMY: (heads for the door) Zoidberg, do you even know what hair is?

ZOIDBERG: Please, I’m a doctor. It’s what my patients leave their estates to when I’m finished treating them.

AMY: That’s what I thought. Later.

Zoidberg

ZOIDBERG: (opens the reality generator, pulls out a sandwich) VOILÁ! My PICTURE of a sandwich has now become and ACTUAL sandwich! All’s right with the world!

Fry

Soon after…

Fry is in the bathroom holding the microphone.

FRY: Alone at last in the bathroom. Time for some private fun! But before I get to that, I have to see what THIS baby can do. Here goes nothing… *presses a small button on the side of the microphone, not noticing the even smaller label that reads ‘push button to stop time’*

Bender

Bender sits on the copier near the conference table with his finger poised over a button, preparing to make copies of his ass.

BENDER: …

Hermes

Hermes stands in his office wearing a cowboy hat and holster, practicing tossing the ray gun.

HERMES: …

Leela

Leela kneels next to the matter transporter in the hangar, trying to pry off a side panel.

LEELA: …

Amy

Amy lies on the couch in the lounge, the projector currently showing Fry standing next to a toilet with the microphone in his hand.

AMY: …

Zoidberg

Zoidberg holds up his new sandwich to take a bite.

ZOIDBERG: …

Fry

FRY: Huh. NOTHING HAPPENED. Maybe the battery is dead. *unscrews the bottom of the microphone and the battery falls out* OOPS!

Bender

Bender presses the button, causing the copier to spit out another bending unit.

BENDER: Whoa!? Did I just skip a line of programming there? Who are YOU?

BENDER: Hey, Bender. I’m Bender. This copying machine is the greatest. Instead of just copying your ass, it copies your whole you! And that’s ME!

Hermes

Hermes drops the ray gun as Bender walks in.

HERMES: Great Marley’s ghost! That was a bad trip. Bender, what just happened?

BENDER: Beats me. I was only just created a few seconds ago.

Leela

Leela loses her hold on the matter transporter, falling back onto her butt as Bender shows up.

LEELA: OOOFF! Prying off that panel was hard, but I didn’t think it would cause a BRAIN STROKE!

BENDER: When will you fleshpods learn not to PRY things? Especially now that you’ve got a roomful of BENDERS in the house.

Amy

Amy puts her hand on her head as Bender walks in, her projector now showing Bender sitting on a copy machine that is spitting out more Benders.

AMY: Ugh! That felt just like that BRAIN FREEZE I got the last time I chug-a-lugged a quart of Slurm daiquiris. Hey Bender.

BENDER: Hey Amy.

BENDER: (in projection, sitting on the copier) Does anybody know how to shut this thing off?

BENDER: (in projection) Not me, Bender.

BENDER: (in projection) Sorry, Bender.

BENDER: (in projection) Can’t help you, Bender.

BENDER: (in projection) No hablo Inglés, Bender.

Zoidberg

Zoidberg “licks” a few crumbs off his claw.

ZOIDBERG: That ham sandwich was delicious. Though it did have a little KICK to it. Bender, do you have a picture of anything edible on you?

BENDER: (holds up a picture of metallic nuts) Just this bowl of mixed nuts.

Fry

In the bathroom, Bender watches Fry kneel on the floor next to a puddle of green goo.

FRY: (points) The battery fell out of this time stopping do-hickey and cracked open on the floor. What do you think that GREEN STUFF is?

BENDER: No comprendo. ¿Tienes que usar el baño?

Bender

The copier continues to spit out Benders.

BENDER: (sitting on copy machine) Aw crap. I can’t turn it OFF! Okay, one of you is going to have to take the fall for this. Any volunteers?

BENDER: Not me.

BENDER: No, sir.

BENDER: You broke it, you bought it.

Hermes

HERMES: What do you mean, you were JUST CREATED? *tries to push the bender away from the invisibility gun* Hey, don’t touch that!

BENDER: But it’s such a neat-looking weapon. Let me just caress the trigger— *the gun zaps, hitting a mirror-ball and fanning the shot in seven different directions* UH-oh!

Leela

Bender rolls up his “sleeves”.

BENDER: Once you go “BEND,” the treats never end.

LEELA: (stands with her arms crossed) Yeah, yeah, just get the stupid panel off. *a ray hits the side of the transporter, making the panel invisible* Hey, where’d it go?

Amy

Amy turns a knob on the projector, changing the scene to a meeting of political heads.

AMY: So, do you think this thing works off a cable or a satellite?

BENDER: Knowing the professor, it’s probably an antenna on the roof. *gets zapped by a pink ray, leaving his head invisible* HEY! Who turned out the lights?

HEAD: (in projection) Bad news, men. We’ve got a leak in the organization. The heads of Woodward and Bernstein call him “Deep Neck.”

Zoidberg

A ray zooms in and hits the picture Bender’s holding up, turning it invisible.

BENDER: What the – who typed DELETE?

ZOIDBERG: Please, robot, your slight of had is impressive, but I will gladly pay you on Tuesday for a PICTURE of a hamburger today.

Fry

FRY: We’ve got to get that green goo back in the case. Look out! *a pink ray shoots into the bathroom, reflects off the mirror, and turns Fry’s microphone invisible* That was close. Oh, no! It’s GONE!

BENDER: (jumps back) ¡Ay, caramba!

Bender

A pink ray flies in and strikes the copy machine, leaving it invisible.

BENDER: (now appearing to be sitting on nothing) It’s GONE! Another problem solved by Bender and his merry band of benders.

BEDNER: Unless the machine is just invisible.

BENDER: In which case it may still be making INVISIBLE BENDER COPIES.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Nah. That’s CRAZY TALK.

Hermes

A invisibility ray reflects back down, hitting Hermes and making him invisible.

HERMES: Now look what you’ve done, you over-grown trash compactor!

BENDER: (looks around frantically) Who said that?

Leela

LEELA: Now that I can see into this thing it’s obvious how it works. I just set a location here and… *hits a few buttons on the matter transporter. It starts up and covers her in a pink glow*

BENDER: If you don’t survive the transport, can I have your hair dryer? She’s a lot of fun to go to the beach with.

Amy

The projector has changed scenes again, this time showing Kif sitting on a desk kissing another Amphibian.

BENDER: The reception on this thing is terrible. Let me adjust it. *reaches up, feeling his invisible head* Hello, what’s this?

AMY: KIFFY! What are you doing?

LEELA: (stands in a beam of pink) A ditzy girl and a headless robot watching a hologramophonic image of two aliens kissing. This is the LAST PLACE a grown mutant would want to beam herself into.

Zoidberg

BENDER: Look, fish face, why don’t you draw what you want to make?

ZOIDBERG: (begins to scribble on a large drawing pad) Excellent idea. I can create a delicacy of both land and sea to make every tastebud salivate with desire!

LEELA: (looks over Zoidberg’s shoulder and makes a face, surrounded by a pink glow and missing her ponytail) YECCH!

Fry

FRY: (backing away from the green goo) Bender, what do we do? The glop is GROWING!

BENDER: Fry, estamos boned. Hola, Leela.

LEELA: (shows up in a beam of pink light, her ponytail missing and her torso on backwards. She waves) Hola, Bender. Hola, Fry. Well… adios.

Bender

BENDER: As the original Bender, I say we use our army of benders to TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Or at least bend a lot of stuff.

BENDER: Who says YOU’RE the original Bender?

BENDER: Yeah, I’M the original Bender.

BENDER: No, I am!

DISEMBODIED VOICE: You’re ALL wrong. I am!

LEELA: (stands covered in pink light, her ponytail gone, her torso backwards, and her hands switched with her feet) Excuse me, wrong floor.

Hermes

BENDER: Maybe you can help me find Hermes. He just disappeared into the same thin air you just appeared out of, mister.

LEELA: (stands in a pillar of pink light, her ponytail gone, her torso backwards, her boots on her hands, and a thin purple ‘mustache’ on her face) “Mister?” Don’t you recognize me, Bender? Or aren’t you the REAL Bender?

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Oh, he’s Bender, all right, sir.

Leela

Leela beams back into the hangar in a flash of pink, her ponytail moved from her head to her butt, her torso backward, her hands and feet switched, and part of her hair looking like a mustache.

BENDER: What have you done with Leela, Mr. Centaur? And do you know where she keeps her HAIR DRYER?

LEELA: What?! Oh no! My pony tail. It looks like… a PONY’S tail!

Amy

AMY: (balls a fist) Kif?! Who is SHE?

KIF: (in projection) Amy? Is that you?

BENDER: Boring! What else is on?

Zoidberg

Amy and a headless Bender sit in the lounge, her projector showing Zoidberg and another Bender.

AMY: I don’t want to see this. Change it back!

ZOIDBERG: (in projection, holding up a drawing) This will be the greatest culinary delicacy since… uh… food.

BENDER: (in projection, crosses his arms and looks around) Did you ever have the feeling you were being watched?

BENDER: An unlimited spectrum of channels and nothing good on.

Fry

Amy and a headless bender watch Fry and another Bender huddled together in the bathroom trying to get away from green goo on her projector.

AMY: Please change it back, Bender!

FRY: (in projection) If this stuff destroys the universe, you’ll take the blame with me, won’t you, old pal?

BENDER: (in projection) Muerde mi brillante nalga de metal!

BENDER: Eh, this needs subtitles anyway.

Bender

The group of bending units begins to fight, being watched on the hologramophone by Amy and a headless bender.

BENDER: (in projection) I say I’M Bender. You wanna make something out of it, Bender?

BENDER: (in projection) I sure do!

BENDER: (in projection) I sure do!

BENDER: (in projection) I sure do!

BENDER: This sure looks like something I’d enjoy, but it’s just too violent.

Hermes

Amy and a headless bending unit watch as the projector invention Amy picked up shows a different bender in another part of the building.

AMY: Give me that channel knob!

BENDER: (in projection, coughs up smoke from his cigar) Let’s see if THIS works…

HERMES: (partially visible in the smoke, coughs) QUIT THAT!

BENDER: If he’s anything like me, he CAN’T quit. Cigars make him look cool.

Scruffy

The hologramophone projects a picture of Scruffy.

SCRUFFY: Still waitin’ for Scruffy, are you? Good. Keep watchin’!

Leela

Amy’s small projector shows Leela “kicking” Bender in the head with her boot-hand.

AMY: That’s it. I’m taking action.

LEELA: (in projection) This is TERRIBLE! The matter transporter REASSEMBLED me wrong.

BENDER: (in projection) Normally I’d agree, but this is a good look for you. *gets hit* OW!

BENDER: They should call this thing a “BENDERVISOR.” I’m on every channel. About time, too.

Amy

Amy angrily grabs, ripping a hole in the projection and pulling Kif through as well as yanking off one of Bender’s arms.

BENDER: OUCH! Hey, I’m running out of APPENDAGES here!

KIF: Amy, it’s not what you think! She’s my SISTER!

AMY: I’ll believe THAT when pig’s fly!

Zoidberg

ZOIDBERG: Imagine: ham, eggs, AND lox all in one creature. I’ll call it a “BRUNCHLING.” *he opens the reality generator and a small animal with the head of a pig, a chicken body, and a fish tail hops out and runs away* Hey, come back here!

BENDER: Bye bye, brunchie.

Fry

Fry and Bender run out of the bathroom while Zoidberg runs in front of them chasing a pig/chicken/fish creature.

FRY: We’ll tell the professor the toilet overflowed.

BENDER: Pero, el profesor no es tan estupido como tu.

ZOIDBERG: Here CHICKIE-PIGGIE-FISHIE. Here, boy.

Bender

Fry and Bender walk into a large brawl of Bender clones, the professor still sleeps at the conference table even with the fighting going on in the background, and Zoidberg runs after a flying fish/pig that chirps, snorts, and glubs.

BENDER: I’m gonna kick your shiny metal asses, you POSERS!

BENDER: Do your worst!

BENDER: Let me at me!

BENDER: Die trying!

Hermes

Hermes and Bender, coughing smoke so Hermes can be seen, walk out towards the conference table.

BENDER: Why don’t you wrap yourself in bandages? That way we can see you AND bury you in a sarcophagus without getting in trouble.

HERMES: That first half’s a good idea. *bumps into Zoidberg* OOOF! Watch it, Zoidberg!

ZOIDBERG: (bending down to pick up an egg, looks at a fish/pig/chicken animal walking away) Brunchling? Did you say that?

Leela

Leela walks up the stairs from the hangar to the lab.

LEELA: I’m going to the professor for help.

BENDER: (follows her) You know, with your torso on backwards you’re going to be a lot more popular during the slow dances.

Zoidberg jumps over the railing trying to catch what looks like a chicken with a pig head and fish tail. It opens it’s wings and glides out of his reach.

ZOIDBERG: You can fly! Too bad I can’t.

Amy

Zoidberg peeks around the doorway to the lounge, keeping an eye on a feathered pig/fish creature. In panic, the drops an egg on Bender’s head.

AMY: (holds up the miniature Kif in her palm) Oh, Kif, I DO believe you. I’m sorry I doubted you.

KIF: It’s all right, my love. Everything is fine… except that you’ve just torn a Cadillac-sized hole in the delicate fabric of space-time.

Zoidberg

Zoidberg comes up behind the brunchling, which has perched on the professor’s head.

ZOIDBERG: There you are, my little porcine sea-dove. Just hold still while I make with the sneaking up on and pouncing! HI-YAH!

All

The professor wakes up to see Zoidberg cradling a fish/pig/chicken animal and Fry standing with a large group of bending units.

PROFESSOR: What is the MEANING of all this?! You woke me from a beautiful dream about nuclear winter and Shakira!

FRY: (points) Zoidberg did it.

BENDER: Yeah, it’s Zoidberg’s fault.

BENDER: Yes.

BENDER: That’s right.

BENDER: Uh-huh.

BENDER: (points) Sí, señor.

PROFESSOR: Okay, now that I’m awake from my nap, tell me… did I miss anything?

HERMES: (wrapping himself up in bandages, looking like a mummy) Oh no.

AMY: (holding up Kiff, who is small enough to fit in her hand) Nothing out of the ordinary.

BENDER: (puffing a cigar) Same old…

BENDER: (headless, with only one arm to hold a beer) … same old.

LEELA: (still rearranged) Professor, I tried to stop it, but it seems that some of your unfinished inventions fell into the hands of some idiots, and me, and a few “complications” arose…

PROFESSOR: I see. Thank you for your candor—you must get it from the same place as your sister, Leela.

PROFESSOR: Very well. But it doesn’t explain THIS!

The group looks out at the hangar, which is full of Zoidberg’s “Brunchling” creations, fighting Benders, green goo, and what seems to be a large hole in the front of the ship.

FRY: Professor, what do we do with that green goo?

HERMES: (points at the “hole” in the bridge of the ship) So THAT’S where the SEVENTH invisible beam went.

PROFESSOR: Oh that. It’s TIME GEL®-- a lubricant that greases the passage of time. It’s going to keep expanding, so I’d get as far away from it as possible. Like ANOTHER DIMENSION! Ta-ta.

BENDER: You gotta help us, Mr. Geezer.

SMOKING BENDER: Yeah.

HEADLESS BENDER: Please.

BENDER: Por favor.

PROFESSOR: Too busy. If you thought MY NAP took a long time, wait until you see how long my AFTER-NAP BATHROOM STOP takes. But I will leave you with a small bit of ADVICE… (points at Leela) use some Nair and maybe I’ll take you dancing. (walks over to Amy holding Kif and Zoidberg holding his brunchling and points at what looks like the blue beam from the Hologramophone) Oh, and unless I miss my guess, that blue glow is a BMW-SIZED HOLE in the delicate fabric of space-time.

KIF: (shrugs) I was close.

PROFESSOR: Aww… you and Zoidberg have such cute new pets.

Fry

FRY: (holds up a tube) You heard the professor. We’ve got to solve this for ourselves. If that Time Gel® is anything like HAIR gel, all we have to do is squeeze it back into this tube and fly it to the planet of the pompadours.

Bender

BENDER: (holds up his arms) Okay, benders, if you’re as tired of stupid hair jokes as I am, then here’s the solution to our problem: Would everyone, except me, the original Bender, please push your SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTONS?

Hermes

Hermes tries to get everyone’s attention while Fry lies on the floor trying to scoop the Time Gel into a small squeeze bottle.

HERMES: All right, people, this is going to take a PLAN. Because I can’t go home like this. LaBarbara has enough excuses to ignore me in bed.

Leela

LEELA: (glances at Amy and Kif) Okay, my love life’s not bad enough that I needed to hear THAT.

AMY: Have you looked in a mirror lately?

Amy

KIF: (waves) May I make a suggestion?

BENDER: (points) What do YOU know, Thumbelina?

Zoidberg

ZOIDBERG: (holds two brunchlings) WAIT! I have a solution to one problem! I can use my reality generator to create a fabulous, seven-course banquet!

LEELA: What problem does THAT solve?

ZOIDBERG: My insatiable hunger.

Fry

Fry holds the plastic tube that’s half dripping goo.

LEELA: I think we’ve heard enough STUPID ideas. Does anyone have a plan with even a tiny chance of working?

Bender

BENDER: If it helps, I keep a nuclear detonator in my compartment for just such an emergency.

BENDER: No.

BENDER: Sorry.

BENDER: No can do.

BENDER: No way, José.

Hermes

LEELA: (turns to Hermes) That brightened my day.

HERMES: What’s the matter with you, woman? YOU’RE the one who usually comes up with the brilliant schemes.

Scruffy

SCRUFFY: Scruffy’s just getting’ warmed up. Keep watchin’.

Leela

LEELA: (rubs her head with her boot-hand) I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t think clearly or whatever up anything did.

Amy

KIF: (falls to his knees) Would somebody please hear me out!

Zoidberg

Hermes crosses his arms, glancing at Zoidberg who’s scribbling something on his large pad of paper.

HERMES: Fine with me. Maybe it’ll get him to leave us alone. Let’s see what you’ve got in mind.

Fry

KIF: Well, here goes. The green goo is Time Gel® and the blue glow is a rip in the space-time continuum…

FRY: (points at Kif) This reminds me of the day I dropped a toad into the blueberry jam cat on the Smucker’s factory tour.

Bender

KIF: (stands on Amy’s shoulder) That’s good to know, but my plan works slightly differently. If we can open the space-time hole wide enough, we can use it to ABSORB Fry’s ever expanding Time Gel®.

BENDER: But widening that hole would require an amount of bending strength equal to DOZENS OF BENDERS running at FULL TILT!

Hermes

LEELA: You’re right. It’s all so clear to me now! We BURN OUT all the benders my making them widen the space-time hole, then we plug it up with the Time Gel® and everything goes back to normal.

HERMES: Except I’LL still be invisible, *points* YOU’LL still look like a Salvador Dali painting, and ZOIDBERG will still be a stinking crab monster with a flying freak show in tow.

Leela

BENDER: (picks up the matter transporter and holds it over his head) What if I brain you with this box of junk? THAT oughta fix things right up.

LEELA: No! DON’T! That BOX OF JUNK is the answer! We can use it to transport the Time Gel® into the space-time hole. We can repair the rip at the EXACT MOMENT I mutated and Hermes turned invisible.

Amy

AMY: Kif, I’m sure your plan will solve everything.

KIF: I hope so. *hops onto the hologramophone Leela stole* If this transporter can meld the precise time everything went haywire into the space-time hole, we MIGHT have a chance. All we need is a clock set to that earlier time.

HERMES: But every clock in this building is LOCKED into the CORRECT TIME—thanks to Bureaucratic regulations and my desire to dock each of your pay if you’re even a SECOND late to work.

FRY: Then we’ll have to create a clock from scratch! *turns* Zoidberg?

Zoidberg

ZOIDBERG: (draws on his pad) I’m ON it. This will be my MASTERPIECE!

FRY: It looks like one of those ink blot tests. I see two big-nosed monkeys kissing.

Fry

BENDER: (glares at Fry, holding up the matter transporter) Pipe down, goofball. Our ONLY HOPE is to get those other benders to widen that space-time rip so we can use this matter transporter to displace the Time Gel® into a precise time vortex dictated by a fabricated temporal replication. It’s SIMPLE!

FRY: Uh, simple, yeah…

Bender

HERMES: Exactly. But how are we going to get all those benders to bend open that hole?

BENDER: Like this. ATTENTION EVERYONE! We need to bend open that space-time portal. But this can only be accomplished by the one and only, ORIGINAL Bender!

All the benders turn and run toward the time hole.

BENDER: That’s ME!

BENDER: Out of my way!

BENDER: Duty calls.

BENDER: Arriba, arriba!

Hermes

ZOIDBERG: Stinking crap monster to the rescue, friends. I have here an actual working clock that shows the exact time we want to return to.

HERMES: Looks good to me. Let’s hurl on of your disgusting hogfishbirds into the hole with it!

Leela

ZOIDBERG: (kneels down and loops a clock around a brunchling’s neck) Take this clock, my pretty, and fly into the blue hole those robots are conveniently widening for you.

LEELA: But if those benders see that clock coming, they’ll get suspicious. They’re not as stupid as they look. On second thought…

Amy

ZOIDBERG: (holds up a brunchling with a clock around it’s neck) Sorry, all I have is a mis-timed clock tied to the feet of a creature willing to go on a suicide mission.

AMY: (shoots the creature with the invisibility ray) Then all we have to do to avoid detection by the benders is a little blast of INVISIBILITY.

KIF: (moves back to Amy’s shoulder) Bravo, my love! This is the final piece to the puzzle!

Zoidberg

ZOIDBERG: (pulls a plate out of the reality generator) Not quite! This is it—A PERFECT SOUFFLÉ! Come, taste!

AMY: Not now, Zoidberg. We’ve got a space-time continuum to restore!

FRY: I’LL try some.

All

BENDER: Let’s do it! So long, suckers! Kiss your shiny metal asses goodbye!

Bender fires the matter trasporter at the rip. The Time Gel, Benders, and brunchlings begin to swirl into the green and blue vortex, along with the miniature Kif, the invisibility ray, one of the multiplied rabbits, the hologramophone, and the time-stopping Mr. Microphone.

LEELA: It’s working! The Time Gel® is filling the hole!

AMY: And the hole is sucking the benders and brunchlings into it!

HERMES: (looks at his wrist) And my watch is running BACKWARDS!

FRY: (spits) Pfftooie! Your soufflé tastes like PAPER!

ZOIDBERG: Yes, delicious, isn’t it?

Fry

Fry looks around. The hangar is mostly empty and the ship no longer has an invisible windshield.

FRY: Hey, it worked! The funny-colored goo and glow are gone, and we’re down to one Bender.

AMY: (points at the robot) How do you know for sure he’s THE ORIGINAL?

Bender

BENDER: *lights a cigar* I’m the sole survivor!

FRY: That doesn’t automatically mean you’re the ORIGINAL Bender.

BENDER: What difference does it make? We were all exactly the same… MUCHACHO.

Hermes

HERMES: (stands in front of a mirror) Praise Ja! I can see and BE seen again!

AMY: (makes a face) And no more of Zoidberg’s nasty flying pigfish to clean up after.

VOICE: Snort, snort!!

BENDER: (looks in the direction of the noise) Uh-oh.

Scruffy

SCRUFFY: (checks his watch) Scruffy’s tired. Gotta go. ‘Nuff said.

Leela

LEELA: (checks her wrist computer) It’s 3 P.M. again! *snorts* Excuse me—it’s an instinctive sign of relief that runs in my family.

BENDER: Like when Amy vomits after a meal?

Amy

AMY: Say what you want about my lifestyle, but if it wasn’t for my relationship with Kif, he wouldn’t have been here to solve our whole problem.

LEELA: (whispers to Hermes) Nor would she have torn him out of the space-time vortex that CAUSED our whole problem.

Zoidberg

ZOIBERG: (holds up his pad of paper) Sweet, sweet victory! This calls for a celebration. I have many new recipes to share with you!

Fry

FRY: (rubs his chin thoughtfully) I don’t. But, I do know ONE thing. I’m never going to fool around with the professor’s UNFINISHED INVENTIONS again. I’m never going to fool around with the professor’s UNFINISHED INVENTIONS again.

Bender

BENDER: (lifts his hand) The important thing is: we all learned a valuable lesson: Bender is great.

VOICE: I sure am.

Hermes

HERMES: Chill out, people. That was just a little VENTRILOQUISM. All is well, and that’s as plain as the nose on my VERY VISIBLE face.

BENDER: TOO visible if you ask me.

Leela

LEELA: Anyway, it’s great to be back to NORMAL again. I just hope from now on, you’ll all listen to REASON in the face of temptation. Even if it seems like I’m nagging at you to do something you don’t want to and you’re tired of hearing my voice…

FRY: You mean, like right now?

Hermes, Amy, and Bender laugh.

Amy

AMY: (hops) And you know what else? We made this happen by working together as a team. We owe each other undying loyalty and respect.

HERMES: Hey, where’s Zoidberg?

AMY: Who cares?

ZOIDBERG: Over here! To celebrate our success over our own stupidity, I DREW you all a great feast.

Zoidberg

Zoidberg waves his arms towards the conference table, which is covered with propped up drawings of different food. Everyone turns to leave.

AMY: No thanks.

HERMES: Sorry.

LEELA: Maybe later.

BENDER: I gotta wash my head again.

All

The professor sits in the bathtub, leaning against a pillow.

PROFESSOR: And THAT, dear reader, is our story. Feel free to go back and read it one of the other ways I suggested at the beginning. You already have? Good for you. Next month, I hope to invent a comic book that you can read forwards AND backwards! Would you like that? How about one you can read upside down? Or in a mirror? Or one eye at a time? If YOU can imagine it, I can invent it. It won’t make a rat’s tail worth of sense, but I can invent it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Shakira is calling. Good night…

BENDER: (in caption bubble) Vaya con dios, muchachos!

Buddies