Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #17: The Time Bender Trilogy, part 1
Transcribed by dinkdrinker

SCRIPT – IAN BOOTHBY

PENCILS – JOHN DELANEY

INKS – PHYLLIS NOVIN

LETTERS – KAREN BATES

COLORS – JOEY MASON

EDITOR – BILL MORRISON


SCENE: Leela, Fry, Bender, and Cubert are standing in the middle of the street. The entire city is completely void of inhabitants.

CUBERT: I can't believe we've returned from space to find that EVERY single sentient being on Earth has VANISHED without a trace, leaving us, BENDER, FRY, LEELA, and myself, CUBERT, to solve the mystery...(stops to see the other three staring at him) What? When I'm nervous, I narrate!

LEELA: All of you, shut up. As long as we stick together and don't panic, I'm sure we'll be able to figure out what happened and- guys?

Bender and Fry go running off.

BENDER: We got the city to ourselves!

FRY: YA-HOO!

FIVE MINUTES LATER-

Bender and Fry are looting in the streets.

BENDER: I finished my warm up looting!

FRY: (throws a brick at 'Xebow's Unbreakable Glass Store'. The brick bounces off the pane, and hits him in the head) OW!

A few minutes later, in an Ice Cream Shop...

FRY: Hey, Bender, check it out! I'm eating samples of ice cream with the tiny spoons with no intention of buying any!

BENDER: WILD MAN!

FRY: (holds head) OW OW OW! Brain freeze!

BENDER: (eating directly from a 'Ram Raisin' ice cream tub) With YOU that's just a MINOR injury! Heh, heh... even doin' crazy mob-style looting, Bender's STILL got it!

Now in 'Sleep Colony USA' mattress store...

BENDER: (jumping from bed to bed) Yo, Fry! Look! I'm a BOUCE BOT 3000!

FRY: (laying on a 'heavy water bed') I could never sleep on one of these things.

BENDER: The waves get to you?

FRY: That and the hard carbon rods and radiation poisoning make for a rough night!

MEANWHILE, BENEATH NEW NEW YORK...

Leela and Cubert descend a ladder to the mutant village.

CUBERT: Like I said, even the MUTANTS are gone!

LEELA: (running to her parents' home) My PARENTS! (looks inside) NO! (looks to see Cubert wiping his eyes) Oh, Cubert, I've been so thoughtless. YOUR father is gone too. It's all right to cry.

CUBERT: I'm not SAD! It's THE STINK form your parents disgusting house! No offense.

LEELA: None taken. (pushes him into a 'filth recycling pit')

CUBERT: YAA!!!

Back on the surface...

FRY: You almost done with that sculpting laser?

BENDER: Yeah, yeah! Keep your pants on!

FRY: (pulls pants up from his shoes) Sigh, fine! (looks up to see Bender has Altered the Statue Of Liberty to look like himself) COOL!

BENDER: Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to BITE MY SHINY METAL ASS!

LATER- downtown...

BENDER: (leaning against a lamp post covering his eyes) 001, 011, 010, 101... Ready or not, here I come! You're hiding behind the hot dog cart!

FRY: (behind the cart) That was too fast! Are you using an x-ray machine? Because I've already had a sub-lethal dose of radiation today!

BENDER: Nope, found a heat-seeking missile at a military surplus store! (fires off missile)

FRY: AAAAAH!!! (runs into a flag pole) Hey! Who put that flagpole here?

An Omicromian hand grabs the missile in mid flight and crushes it, destroying it before it could explode.

LRRR: (Holding a flagpole in one hand, and the crushed missile in the other)By the LAWS OF INTERGALACTIC SALVAGE, I claim this planet in the name of OMICROM PERSEI 8.

BENDER: You can't have Earth. We're not done THRASHING it yet!

LRRR: Our scanners show FOUR life forms. That's not enough to count as a BOY BAND, let alone A CIVILIZATION! This planet is UNINHABITED!

FRY: So what happens to us?

NDND: We found you, so you're OUR property. We'll use you as slaves. Or food. Or food for other slaves. Seize yourselves, slaves!

FRY: WAIT! How many people does it take to have an INHABITED planet?

LRRR: In your pathetic Earth math, a hundred sentient creatures.

BENDER: How about fifty really fat people?

LRRR: NO!

FRY: Well, you're in luck. We have a hundred people back at planet express. We'll just go... get them.

LRRR: Very well, you have ONE of your pathetic Earth hours!

LATER-

Back at Planet Express... Leela slaps Fry.

FRY: (rubbing his cheek) Okay, fine. Then YOU come up with another way to repopulate the planet.

BENDER: How about the cloning tank?

LEELA: I've been using it for pickling. You just can't get good gherkins around here.

CUBERT: (walks in holding items on a tray) Good news, everyone!

BENDER: HEY! Get your OWN catchphrase!

CUBERT: But I really DO have good news. I found three broken pieces of what seem to be a new invention. They appear to be recently used, and I'm getting really strong chroniton readings from them.

LEELA: The kind used in time machines?

CUBERT: (pointing a machine at the parts- they start to glow) Theoretically, but the odds are...

A time portal opens above them, and a pterodactyl comes flying out, grabbing Cubert in it's mouth, and flies off.

CUBERT: AAAAAH!!! (Cubert and the pterodactyl go crashing through a window outside)

BENDER: The odds are WHAT? Darned kids. So easily distracted!

NDND: We can paint those mountains yellow and what do you think about carpeting the oceans? Are you listening to me?

LRRR: Sigh. Yes, dear. I was just deciding where to put the slave pit and my den.

NDND: I LOVED what they did on 'TRADING GALAXIES' last week. They made one planet's rings CHARTREUSE!

Cubert and the pterodactyl go flying by as Ndnd pulls out a spray can and sprays them.

CUBERT AAAAAH!!!

LRRR: Oh, wonderful, we have to get the planet sprayed for dinosaurs!

CUBERT: (crashes down to the ground, still in the pterodactyl's mouth) COUGH! COUGH!

Back at Planet Express...

LEELA: So it IS a time machine, and it was activated when we put the pieces together. But it's MISSING a part. I can't turn it off.

FRY: So we have a TIME HOLE. We have BIGGER problems!We need to find 96 people fast. 97 if Cubert's been eaten. (The time hole is now behind Fry, and various evolving critters from amoeba to cavemen are coming out of it)

BENDER: Fry! BEHIND YOU!

FRY: Huh?

BENDER: (Starts shoving all the creatures back into the portal) Back you go!

FRY: (hanging on for dear life as Bender keeps pushing him) Bender! QUIT it!

BENDER: Oh, sorry, you looked like a Neanderthal.

CUBERT: (appearing on the screen in the conference room) HEY! Is anyone there?

LEELA: Cubert! You're undigested. Good for you!

BENDER: Unless he's a ghost, and he's calling from Heaven. This better not be a COLLECT call!

CUBERT: (pulling a large garbage container along side the pterodactyl) I'm not dead, IDIOT, and I'm calling on my wrist phone! They have me working as a slave hauling away garbage.

LRRR: (cracks a whip) Your phone break is OVER slave!

CUBERT: You need to find the fourth part of the machine and FAST, before the time hole grows unstable. Space time itself is in danger of tearing apart!

FRY: And that's bad, right?

CUBERT: (gets whipped) YOW! Just rescue me, Einstein!

EINSTEIN: (walking out of the hole) I'm on my way!

LEELA: (stops him) I think he was being sarcastic.

BENDER: Back in the hole, mustache!

EINSTEIN: Ya, ya! The future sure is grumpy! (goes back into the hole)

BENDER: Ties the vortex in a knot) There! THAT oughtta do it!

LEELA: You tied the vortex in a knot? Is that even POSSIBLE?

FRY: we'll ask Cubert when we get him back. If anyone has a cunning plan, now's a good time for it.

Back outside...

NDND: The sky, what do you think of Pink? And I want the horizon to be vertical.

LRRR: Do you know how much that'll cost? Hmm... The Earth hour is almost up. All this waiting is making me HUNGRY! (grabs Cubert)

CUBERT: YAAAH!

NDND: (stops Lrrr) Lrrr! NO! It hasn't got a navel. It's a CLONE! You know bio-engineered food is bad for you.

LRR: (drops Cubert) Fine, fine.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Lrrr is almost finished eating the pterodactyl) Mmmm. Bring me more of the earthling's pathetic honey mustard sauce!

NDND: Are your pargons broken? Get it yourself.

LEELA: Hey, alien overlords! Get off our planet!

NDND: Who said that?

LRRR: And do they have a finger bowl?

LEELA: WE said it!

FRY: All ONE HUNDRED of us SENTIENT BEINGS!

(Leela, Fry and Bender are with 20-30 mannequins and empty Zoidberg shells, in front of 'Tim's Oversized Mirror Hut' and 'Tom's Mirror Mania' mirrors- giving the illusion of hundreds of people)

FRY: (Aside to Leela) Lucky we had all these mannequins left over from Bender's looting, plus some old shells Zoidberg left lying around.

LEELA: (aside to Fry) And Omicrom Perseian eyes aren't so great, so these mirrors might fool them.

LRRR: My tricorder is still reading only four life forms, including the slave.

BENDER: (yanks the tricorder out of Lrrr's hand) Can I look at that? You know what they say, if at first you don't tricord right... try tri again. (hands it back to Lrrr- a hand written '4' is on the screen) Check it now!

LRRR: He's right, it says one hundred. Let's go home!

NDND: I don't know. Something smells fishy.

FRY: That's be Zoidberg's shell I mean ZOIDBERG!

NDND: I wish to speak to a random sampling of earthlings!

LEELA: (aside to Bender) Ready, Bender?

BENDER: (aside to Leela; holding a 'On The Lam' disguise kit) I was BUILT ready!

NDND: YOU! Identify yourself!

LEELA: Turanga Leela! I'm a Delivery Ship Captain!

FRY: Philip J. Fry! A good looking Delivery boy!

BENDER: Bender B. Rodriquez! A sassy but lovable sociopath.

LEELA: (wearing a helmet and goggles) I'm Jenny Johnson, race car driver.

FRY: (wearing a high collar w/ a bow tie, and a monocle) I'm Richie Von Wealthington, billionaire. In my spare time I hunt humans for sport.

BENDER: (has his mouth crammed full of cigarettes) I'm Smokey Joe, the cigarette machine with a heart of gold.

LEELA: (wearing a huge mustache) I'm some guy.

FRY: (dressed as a priest) I'm Father O' Malley. May the Man upstairs bless you, our Unholy Overlords.

BENDER: (Wearing an eye patch and a pirate hat) I'm No-beard, the software pirate! Scourge of the briny binary deep!

LEELA: (in a tight yellow sweater, large glasses, and a plaid skirt) I'm Sally, a Liberal Arts Major.

NDND: Aren't you a little OLD to be a college student?

FRY: She keeps failing. She's really stupid.

LEELA: I... er...

BENDER: And he should know. HE'S her teacher. And he's an IDIOT.

NDND: I thought he was a priest.

BENDER: It's a religious school. Really strict.

FRY: Yeah, if you fail midterms, you go to hell.

LRRR: Well, I'm convinced. Earth is populated. Let's go.

NDND: But...

LRRR: Intergalactic Law is Intergalactic Law, dear.

NDND: Sigh.

LRRR: (turns around to Leela, fry, and Bender, winking) Thanks a lot. Renovating this planet for her was going to cost me a FORTUNE!

FRY: SO we didn't fool you with our brilliant disguises?

LRRR: BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! (takes off)

BENDER: Man, that guy's laugh really carries, huh?

CUBERT: (chained to the garbage container) Anytime you want to free me so I can save the world would be good. (Bender breaks the chains holding him)

LEELA: (looking through the garbage) Hey, there's something on that leg there. (grabs it)

CUBERT: It's a video tape.

FRY: Bender, can you play this?

BENDER: Only if it's BETA.

LEELA: You really need to upgrade to VHS.

BENDER: NO! It's a better picture! (puts the tape in his mouth) Look into my eyes.

FRY: You're not going to hypnotize me and get me to rewrite my will again, are you?

PROFESSOR: (playing on the tape, seen in Bender's eyes) GOOD NEWS, people of the future!

LEELA/FRY: IT'S THE PROFESSOR!

PROFESSOR: (in front of thousands of people and dinosaurs) Funny story. A slight miscalculation during a chroniton experiment accidentally opened a time vortex and sent every sentient being back to the age of dinosaurs. Some nice tourists let me use their video camera to tape this after they were eaten.

LABARBARA: YOU did this to us, you crazy fossil! I'm gonna bury you in the ground, get back to the future, and use you to fill me gas tank!

PROFESSOR: It's NOBODY'S fault, really. I'm sending a pterodactyl through a time vortex that just opened up. I am attaching this tape and our coordinates. Luckily, I have a time machine in the lab's first aid kit for just such an emergency. I broke it into four pieces for safety after Bender tried to use it to stop the Big Bang and blackmail the universe! I was only able to grab one piece of machine before I was sucked into the vortex. If you could get the other three parts back in time to me, there'll be a small reward.

AMY: Move it, Professor!

PROFESSOR: well, time to go. Time to flee in terror again!

The tape ends as everyone runs from a tyrannosaur. Bender spits out the tape.

CUBERT: This is not good.

BENDER: (spits out paper) Here are the coordinates. Ptui! I hate the taste of attached files! (walks off with Fry)

LEELA: Where are you going?We have to send the time machine pieces to the past.

BENDER: We got our second wind. We're off to do more looting and random vandalism.

FRY: Yeah. What's the rush? The past isn't going anywhere.

BENDER: FRY! Look in this wallet that I stole off you earlier!

FRY: Oh my gosh! It's the picture I keep in here of the three of us! I get it! If we don't help the Professor, we'll all cease to exist! Just like in all three 'Back To The Future' movies, even the crappy cowboy one!

CUBERT: (Grabs the picture and turns it face side up) Well, you might be right about us ceasing to exist. But the reason you can't see yourself in the picture is you put the picture in backwards, IDIOT. (tosses a rock into a pool) We only covered basic time travel in Elementary School, but... Time is like a pond, and the present is it's edge.

FRY: Was this pond here before?

CUBERT: When someone travels into the past, they make ripples, but those ripples don't get to us right away. We still have time to stop them and make things right before the effects are permanent.

LEELA: (running off with Cubert) Then there's no time to lose. Right, guys? GUYS?

BENDER: (still at the water) HA! Ten skips! I win! You owe me one jillion dollars!

FRY: Will you take these money orders I stole from the abandoned bank?

BENDER: Only if you have three pieces of stolen I.D.!

LEELA: (holds a box labeled 'Artificial Ear') Bender, put this on, will you?

BENDER: Okay.

Leela drags Fry and Bender out by their ears.

FRY/BENDER: OW OW OW!

SOON...

Back at Planet Express...

FRY: Okay, we have the time machine pieces. NOW what?

CUBERT: We get them back to the Professor through the time vortex. It should be simple with the coordinates we... Hey, where's the time vortex?

BENDER: This is where I tied it in a knot. Should still be here.

CUBERT: You did WHAT!?

BENDER: Listen, before we go any further in this conversation, could you sign this waiver releasing me from all liability for anything I did?

LEELA: There's the time hole!

FRY: And there!

BENDER: See, we didn't loose it. There's THREE of them now! That's a good thing, right?

CUBERT: (dives under the table) NO! It's as far from a 'good thing' as possible!

FRY: If I remember my Boy Scout training, the best thing to do when you're attacked by a time hole is to stay perfectly still.

LEELA: Okay.

BENDER: Gotcha!

All three are sucked separate vortexes.

CUBERT: NO!

FRY: (in the vortex) Wait, my mistake! That was what to do when you're attacked by a BEAR!

LEELA: (in the vortex) Fry, after I stop screaming in terror, remind me to kick your butt.

BENDER: After you kick his butt, I'm gonna kick his ass!

Our heroes LOST IN TIME! All of humanity TRAPPED in the AGE OF DINOSAURS! Cubert stuck in those awkward PRE-TEEN YEARS, which are no picnic, let me tell you! Join us Next time for a tale we can only call...
BONED TO THE FUTURE!

Buddies