Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #19: The Time Bender Trilogy: Part Three
Transcribed by dinkdrinker

SCRIPT- IAN BOOTHBY

PENCILS- JOHN DELANEY

INKS- PHYLLIS NOVIN

LETTERS- KAREN BATES

COLORS- JOEY MASON

EDITOR- BILL MORRISON


RECAPOTRON 5000: GREETINGS, GENTLE READER! I am THE RECAPOTRON 5000, designed to assist both those with short term memory loss and people who show up for movies late because they didn't realize parking would be so crazy. When we last left our tale, THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF EARTH was trapped in the prehistoric past, due to a time machine accident at Planet Express. The introduction of FUTURISTIC IDEAS AND TECHNOLOGY into the past caused ripples through history that threatened to become permanent. Earth's fate now rests in the hands of FRY, LEELA, AND BENDER. Too bad each of them are trapped in different, altered eras in time and facing certain death. We now join this comic, already in progress...

SCENE: An awards ceremony.

ROBOSHERLOCK HOLMES: ... And the nominees for THE 1917 SAVEY AWARD for 'Best Saving Of The World' are... Flash Rodgers! Buck Gordon! Skippy, the dog who saved the world! And Philip J. Fry! I am last year's winner, ROBOSHERLOCK HOLMES!

ROBOWATSON: Confound it, Holmes! Open the ENVELOPE!

ROBOSHELROCK HOLMES: (hold envelope up to his head) No need! By activating my ELEMENTARY DEDUCTION program it becomes obvious that the winner is... PHILIP J. FRY!

FRY: gasp!

SKIPPY THE DOG WHO SAVED THE WORLD: whimper...

FRY: YES! (Fry dips and kisses RoboWatson)

ROBOWATSON: I say!

FRY: Oh, wow! I can't believe it! First of all, it's an honor just to be NOMINATED with all the LOOSERS!... It all stared with my mission to deliver a bomb to the Omicrom Persei Empire...

(Flashback)Why do I get all the SUICIDE MISSIONS? When I get back, I'm telling the Sarge this is MY LAST ONE! Hey, didn't I see that generic bunch of stars before? Better get directions. (pulls up alongside a large purple ship) Hey, buddy! I need to get to the Omicrom Persei Empire and blow the palace up! Do you know how to get there?

LRRR: (Looks out at Fry) Why yes, Yes I DO!

INEVITABLY...

Fry is chained to Horrible Gelatinous Blob, Hyper Chicken and black and white striped 'Referee' Alien.

HORRIBLE GELATINOUS BLOB: First time in a P.O.W. Camp?

FRY: Yeah. Hey, why do they call it a P.O.W. CAMP? ('POW'! Fry gets punched by an Omicromian guard)

FRY: Oh, I get it.

SCENE: Fry is in a prisoner's barracks, lying on a bunk, and bouncing an orange ball against the wall.

FRY: Okay, Fry, don't panic. You made it through Hoboken Summer Camp, and you can make it through this. Just stay calm and be cool.

ORANGE BALL: We're planning a breakout tonight!

FRY: YAAAAH!

COL. HOGGAN:(looks like a pig) I'm Colonel Hoggan and here's the plan. Lebeau, distract the guard with your cooking!

LEBEAU: (A French Chef Robot) Oui!

COL. HOGGAN: Newkirk, take out the lights!

NEWKIRK:(Dressed as Shatner's Capt. Kirk) SaboTAGE the lights, got it.

FRY: I think it's pronouced SABotage.

NEWKIRK: Don't correct me. It SICKENS me!

COL. HOGGAN: Fry, when the lights go out, you climb the rope we'll leave by the wall. Turn right. Then left through the window. You'll be in the Guard room. Open the gates, and we're free! Fry, are you listening?

FRY: Oh, yeah, sure! You ever notice how hard it is to TICKLE yourself?

SO, ANYWAY, THAT NIGHT...

A loud smash is heard, and everything goes dark.

FRY: There go the lights! That's my cue! Okay, gasp! Up the wall! Wheeze! Okay, gasp! Up the wall! Wheeze! Man, why do walls always have to be VERTICAL? Now right, then left, then through the window! Wait, did he mean MY right or HIS right? Or STAGE right?

VOICE: Need some help?

FRY: Yeah, that'd be great. I'm helping with a BREAKOUT!

LRR: (who was the voice Fry heard) Let me get the light. (turns on light)

FRY: eep.

FRY: (flashback continues) So the next day, I was in my underwear playing with a paddleball when...

OMICROMIAN DOCTOR: We've run every test possible on the earthling, your Greatness.

LRRR: And the results?

FRY: (chokes on the paddleball's ball) Gaack!

OMICROMIAN DOCTOR: He's an IDIOT.

LRRR: (Watches Fry let go of the paddle and hits himself in the face) Is stupidity contagious?

OMICROMIAN DOCTOR: Very. Have you had any symptoms, my Lord?

LRRR: I... have been watching more REALITY SHOWS lately.

OMICROMIAN DOCTOR: (backs away) GASP! Get away from me! DON'T TOUCH ME!

SCENE: The prison camp gate- it is wide open and everyone is walking out.

FRY: So I'm free to go?

GUARD: Yes! You and everyone you had contact with! Just get out before you dumb down the place any more!

FRY: Earth was placed under quarantine, and the invaders promised never to bother us again! (Flashback ends) ... and that's how I SAVED THE WORLD! Huh? (the audience has left)

JANITOR: You still here? The awards ended hours ago.

FRY: Sigh.

JANITOR: What's wrong, son?

FRY: (leans against a large ice sculpture) It's nice saving the world and all, but it just isn't the same without my friends around.

JANITOR: Hey, don't lean on that!

FRY: (knocks the ice sculpture over) Whoops! (The sculpture shatters on the floor to reveal Leela was trapped inside it) LEELA!!!

LEELA:(Shivering) F-f-fry!

FRY: Here, take my jacket!

LEELA: GASP! When did you last WASH this?

FRY: Never. Where WERE you?

LEELA: Dead.

FRY: So you're a zombie? Don't worry, we can work around that. I'm not a NECROPHOBE!

LEELA: Just listen up! I was in Ancient Greece, and things weren't going well... (flashback)

CHARON: Okay, everyone off! This is HADES, land of the dead! That'll be two coins for the trip! (people are seen walking off under a sign that reads 'ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE')

LEELA: I don't have any money!

CHARON: (grabs Leela by the arm) Oh, a deadbeat, huh? Well, you're coming with me to the Tartarus Transit Authority!

LEELA: Hey, metacarpals off, pal! (Leela kicks Charon into the River Styx as rocks fall from above, killing him)

CHARON: AAAAH! The Styx and stones! They're breaking my bones!

DEAD GREEK #1: Do you think that was a good idea?

LEELA: If we wanna get out of here, yeah!

The Cerebus blocks the exit from the underworld. It starts barking madly at Leela and the dead Greeks.

LEELA: Is that the only way out?

DEAD GREEK #1: Yes, all is lost. Well, I have my eternal damnation to get on with.

DEAD GREEK #2: If anyone needs me, I'll be pushing a rock uphill.

LEELA: Let me axe you something. Where did the Greek Gods come from?

DEAD GREEK #2: You don't know? Greece was once the cradle of Democracy! But soon negative ads, partisan politics, and lobby groups made a mockery of our system. We needed a new way...

DEAD GREEK #1: So we decided to try a THEOCRACY.

DEAD GREEK #2: But for THAT, we needed gods to worship. So, may the world forgive us... we BUILT THEM! At first, they ruled with BENEVOLENCE. But soon, their ABSOLUTE POWER corrupted them. I mean, who saw THAT coming?

LEELA: You need to stand up to them. Fight back!

DEAD GREEK #2: But we're DEAD!

LEELA: Then why do I have a PULSE, and why are we BREATHING?

DEAD GREEK #2: She makes an interesting PHILOSOPHICAL point.

DEAD GREEK #1: Let's DISCUSS it for a few days.

Leela grabs both of them by their ears and drags them off.

DEAD GREEK #1 & #2: OW OW OW!!!

LEELA: (flashback continues) Then I came up with a plan to get the Hell out of Hades...

LEELA: Hey, Cerebus! You want ME? Come and GET me, you dumb dog!

DEAD GREEK #1: (taunting a second head) No, get ME! I'm mocking you, ALSO!

DEAD GREEK #2: (taunts third head) No, come get ME!

DEAD GREEK #1: NOW what?

LEELA: Keep making it MAD! YOUR MOTHER DATES CATS!

Cerebus tries going after all three of them at the same time, and rips apart destroying itself, and revealing it too was a robot.

LEELA: (running up the steps) Last one out is a ROTTEN CORPSE!

The three exit a cave into bright sunlight.

DEAD GREEK #1: It's TRUE! We weren't dead after all!

DEAD GREEK #2: It is so good to be alive! How I missed the little things. The Grass, the sunsets.

LEELA: The sun sure sets quickly in Greece! (Apollo quickly swoops down grabbing Leela and taking off into the sky) WHOOOOOOA!

DEAD GREEK #1: GAAAH!

DEAD GREEK #2: YAAA!

APOLLO: Hey, baby! What's a nice cyclops like you hanging around with those losers for? Dioysus is throwing a wicked kegger!

LEELA: Are you picking me up?

APOLLO: Better than dropping you DOWN, don't you think? Now give me a KISS, gorgeous!

LEELA: Okay, but you got to close your eyes first.

APOLLO: Oooh, you cyclopi are WILD!

Leela decks him, knocking him out.

BUCKY: (Bucky appears to look like Pan, but much shorter) YES! I've been wanting to do that to him for years! The jerk was too cheap to get a flying horse to pull this heap, so he kidnapped me and attached jets to my hooves!

LEELA: I'm Leela. Can you take me to Mount Olympus?

BUCKY: The name's BUCKY, and you got it!

LEELA: (tips the chariot, dumping the 'sun' out) But first, let's loose THIS! You'd be surprised how heavy helium and hydrogen can get!

Meanwhile...

PLATO'S MOTHER: Plato, come in and do your chores! Too much sun is bad for you!

PLATO: (under a rapidly approaching ball of helium and hydrogen) Shut up, ma! My philosophy is 'What's the worst that could happen?'

Later...

LEELA: Oh my gods! They're DEAD! (Greek gods are all lying around, passed out drunk)

BUCKY: Dead DRUNK, you mean. That's what these festivals are all about. They recharge on booze and drink until they pass out. They won't be rebooting for hours!

LEELA: (opening the back of Zeus) That gives me some time. Now if I can only remember my fourth grade robotics rewiring class. (Flashback still continues...) I gave it my best shot and sure enough, two hours later...

ZEUS: Oh, my head! I SWEAR to ME, I'll never drink again!

POSEIDON: Hey, Zeus, you know something? You're great!

ZEUS: Maybe it's the ambrosia talking, but you're great too. And you too, Athena!

ATHENA: You're all great!

BUCKY: What did you do?

LEELA: Reprogrammed them to be self-worshiping. They'll be too busy kissing each other's butts to bother Greece.

HERMES: Hey, Zeus, I got that WORLD-FLOODING MISSLE you wanted!

ZEUS: That's great, Hermes! No wait, YOU'RE great!

HERMES: But you NEVER compliment me. Something's wrong, here! (Finds Leela and Bucky hiding) YOU! You mortals did this! Well, you've brought this on yourself for your blasphemy! (activates the missile) That missile is going to hit the north pole, melt the ice caps, and start a flood that'll wipe out humanity!

LEELA: But why?

HERMES: It's just something we do when we're mad at the world.

LEELA: (sitting on Bucky's shoulders as they fly off) We have to STOP it! (flashback still continues) We held on for dear life, and a few minutes later...

BUCKY: There's the north pole. What's the plan?

LEELA: I was hoping YOU had one!

BUCKY: My jets might be able to turn the missile, but there won't be time to get away!

LEELA: So my horoscope was right. I WILL die saving the world today! Well, we'd better get TO it!

BUCKY: What do you mean WE? (tosses Leela into the water as the missile explodes)

LEELA: BUCKY! NOOOOO!!! (flashback ends) And that's all I remember. I must have been frozen all this time until they used the block of ice I was in to carve that sculpture...

BENDER: Your story was as boring as Fry's!

LEELA: Shut up, Bender!

LEELA & FRY: BENDER!

FRY: What happened to you?

BENDER: Some anti-robot wackos in Salem burned me and my girlfriend Samantha at the stake.

FRY: Oh my gosh! How did you escape?

BENDER: Didn't have to. We're robots. We don't burn. Lucky for us, most prejudiced people are MORONS.

LEELA: So, What about the last 400 years? Are you still with Samantha?

BENDER: Naw, we grew in different directions... didn't want to ruin our friendship... It was a mutual...

LEELA: She dumped you?

BENDER: Right after we got off the stake. I bummed around Europe... took a pottery class... Oh, and I lead a revolt of my robot brothers and sisters against the human race, crushing all that stood in our way, becoming supreme ruler of Earth in a reign of terror humanity called... THE INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION!

Fry: Wow! THEN what happened?

BENDER: (polishing Leela's boots) Got bored. Sold humanity the world back for $100 and a case of beer. Now I'm a SHOE-SHINE BOY!

LEELA: Don't miss the heels!

FRY: Is anyone else VIBRATING?

LEELA: (holding her vibrating time machine piece) It's our pieces of the time machine! Weird, but I think they want to be put together.

BENDER: (puts the three pieces together) Let me talk to it. I speak MACHINE. What's that? You don't say. It says it needs THE FINAL PIECE, and it can lead us TO it!

FRY: let's go!

Soon...

At the Museum Of Disturbing History...

BENDER: It's in here! (the three run into the museum)

LEELA: Over there! (Leela points over to the remains of Professor Farnsworth and a wax figure of Dawn Wells)

BENDER: THE PROFESSOR!

FRY: AND MARY ANN!

LEELA: THE FINAL PIECE! It was in the Professor's pocket! Good work, Bender!

BENDER: What? No wallet? NUTS!

FRY: (puts the last piece in place) Does anyone know how to work a time machine? (the three disappear in a flash)

A LONG LONG TIME AGO...

HERMES: (Hermes Conrad is carrying the Professor as they are being chased by a hungry dinosaur) This isn't in my job description! I'm writing a letter of complaint to myself! (in a flash of light, Leela, Fry, and Bender appear in front of them) Fry! Leela! And Bender!

FRY: Hey, Professor! No need to worry! We're here to SAVE THE DAY! See? (he holds up the time machine just as the dinosaur swallows him whole.

BENDER: We're BONED!

FRY: (from inside a contented dinosaur) I'm Okay! He forgot to chew!

PROFESSOR: Oh, my! Only I know how to make the time machine take us all FORWARDS IN TIME. But there's no way I can get to it. (Hermes tosses the Professor into the air, where the dinosaur catches him and swallows HIM whole)

AND SO...

LEELA: (on the balcony of Planet Express, looking over the city) It's nice to see New New York again. I'm so glad the Professor was able to use the time machine to go back in time to stop himself from inventing the time machine in the first place.

CUBERT: (ranting, waving papers) I've made a LIST of all the ways that makes NO SENSE!

LEELA: Well, it's nice to have things back to normal is all I'm saying. There's no time like the present! (into her wristlojackimator) All Planet Express employees to the board room for today's meeting!

A few minutes later, around the table...

PROFESSOR: (from within the dinosaur) First order of business, Fry has to stop hogging the lower intestine!

FRY: (from within the dinosaur) I need my space! And could someone feed the T-Rex some more video games?

ZOIDBERG: Oh, the Professor and Fry get a nice new dinosaur skin coat for the winter, but Zoidberg has to settle for a cardboard box! It isn't fair I tell you!

ASTERISK: (in a caption bubble) OOP! ACK!*

*THE END.

Buddies