(NOTE- THIS COMIC IS TRANSCRIBED AS IF IT WAS READ STRAIGHT THOURGH... if you wish to fold, spindle, or mutilate... get your OWN COMIC!)
BENDER: (singing the Queen song 'We Are The Champions') I am the champion! I am the champion! No time for losers 'cause I am the champion... of the world!
FRY: Bender! Hey, Bender! Hey, Bender! Wake up!
BENDER: (asleep in his chair on the ship- still singing) Bender you're a boy make a big noise playing indiscreet, gonna make a big ransom some day...
FRY: This ALWAYS happens when he listens to Queen during SPACE HIBERNATION
LEELA: (holding up a can) And it doesn't help that he shotgunned a can of Sterno.
BENDER: ...You got mud interface, you big disc grace, saying that Bender is great to his face...
LEELA: He's not gonna like this, but we have to wake him up some how.
FRY: Not the control panel! It's not HUMANE! Even for a robot!
BENDER: We will, we will BEND you!
LEELA: A Captain's gotta do what a Captain's gotta do. (hits a button labeled 'Kick out from under')
BENDER: (suddenly awake having been kicked out of the chair) What the...!? OW! (his head comes unattached as he falls down) What is the matter with you people? I was just resting my eyes!
LEELA: Bender, you were asleep for EIGHT MILLION LIGHT YEARS!
BENDER: (putting his head back on) Yea, well, did you ever think to try something more gentle to wake a guy up, like throwing icy water in his face? Or ACID?
LEELA: No. Now, we're here on Maiya Williams 7 to make a delivery.
FRY: Maiya Williams 7? What kind of a STUPID NAME is that for a planet?
LEELA: It's obviously the seventh planet from a star that some romantic jerk named after his girlfriend back when the Intergalactic Star Registry let romantic jerks buy star names.
BENDER: (his head is on backwards... looks down) Hey, what'd you do with my door?
FRY: C'mon, Bender, we'll look for it on the surface.
BENDER: Just a minute. Did I sleep through the part where I agreed to accompany you on this delivery?
LEELA: Bender, you didn't lift a finger the whole way here, and I'm sure you'll do the same on the way back. Why do we even bother to bring you?
BENDER: My WINNING PERSONALITY, of course!
LATER ON THE SURFACE....
BENDER: Nice planet they have here. Beautiful fauna. The flora's okay, too.
FRY: Hmmm, nobody's answering the door.
BENDER: So you're saying we can break in and help ourselves to the loot?
FRY: No. What is it with you? I'm trying to do my job here.
BENDER: Can't we break in a little bit? They might have porridge cooling.
FRY: No. Don't be ridiculous. (puts a note on the door that reads: Sorry we missed you. Bender wanted to break in, but I stopped him. Also, there's a package hidden under the mat. P.J. FRY, DELIVERY SPECIALIST) Let's go.
BENDER: You're no fun, Fry. I'm devoting a full page in my diary to you... if I ever start keeping one. (throws a beer bottle over his shoulder, breaking it against the house and all over the package)
BACK ON THE SHIP...
FRY: Mission accomplished, Captain.
BENDER: Mission accomplished? You call that a MISSION? That mission stunk! All we did was drop off a package on the doorstep! There was no idle chit chat. No witty banter about the weather and the limits of my affect on it. No robot floozy in a sheer nightie telling me how lonely she is and how strong and shiny I look...
LEELA: Prepare for HYPERDRIVE.
FRY: Hyperdrive engaged.
BENDER: In fact, correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't see a single floozy on that mission at all!...
EIGHT MILLION LIGHT YEARS LATER...
In the Planet Express hangar...
BENDER: And another thing. How can an entire mission take place without a ceremony or at least a plaque recognizing, nay, COMMEMORATING my accomplishments on that mission?
AMY: How long has he been at this?
FRY: For the distance of at least five galaxies.
LEELA: Including the magnetic clouds.
HERMES: But that's a violation of the Dennis Miller protocol.
BENDER: You better believe it! And I've only just begun. There are a few 103 other things I want to get off of and out of my chest!
ZOIDBERG: (Holds a tissue) Hello, all. Don't get too close. I've got the sniffles.
HERMES: What are we going to do about Bender?
LEELA: The only thing we CAN do. Just ignore him until his battery runs down.
FRY: Are you crazy? How can we ignore Bender?
AMY: Easy. I do it to people all the time- like YOU.
BENDER: And it there's one thing I can't stand, especially with my supersonic hearing, it's comments about my I.Q.!
(Zoidberg wipes his mandibles with the tissue, steps on Bender's foot, tipping his head forward, and disposes of the tissue in Bender's neck)
BENDER: Using my body for a trash can!? That tears it! It's BENDERING TIME! (bends the conference table) I will not be ignored! (bends the fins to the ship) Say hello to my little bend! (rips a hole in the comic page) I'll show you the life of the bend! (holds his back) Looks like I don't know my own strength. (look up from the lower frame into the hole) I wonder what's up in there? It stands to REASON there's free beer and an army of robot slave girls. (jumps up in) Only one way to find out. (Bender is seen on a totally empty page. Zoidberg and Hermes are looking in through the hole in the page.) Hey! A fella could learn to like a place like this. Lots of space. No annoying humans or mutant humanoids. Or that Zoidberg thing. This looks like an E-TICKET ride at BENDERLAND.
BACK AT PLANET EXPRESS...
FRY: Wow. This place is going to need more than a little straightening up.
AMY: Maybe we should hire a bending unit.
LEELA: (looking at the ship) Maybe we should hire an un-bending unit.
HERMES: (looks down one panel) Great puma of Montezuma, look at THIS!
AMY: (looks into the hole in the comic) What the SQUELL is that?
LEELA: (looks in) I don't know, but I have a feeling Bender was somehow responsible.
FRY: (looks in) I think he's in there. I smell his brand of rancid cigar smoke. (climbs up) I'm going in after him.
LEELA: (hanging onto Fry's legs) No you're not. Who knows what kind of 'there' is in there.
HERMES: I know at least one thing in there that would keep me from going in.
AMY: Yeah, Bender.
FRY: (Peeking in the hole) Bender, are you in THERE!? Can you HEAR ME!?
LEELA: Leave him alone Fry. He's obviously gone to a BETTER PLACE.
HERMES: (on the phone. He and Amy are looking through the New New York Yellow Pages) Hello, Sal's U-Frames-It? We have an unusual framing job.
BACK IN BENDER'S 'NOTHINGNESS'...
Bender has hung a curtain over the hole, and placed orange safety cones near it... Fry is heard calling from the other side...
FRY: Bender, it's me, Fry! Please come home!
BENDER: Sorry, frame-for-brains, no can do. This is my new home. Nighty night. (goes to sleep, singing Queen again) We will, we will BEND YOU!
SCRUFFY: (in a caption bubble) Scruf' said 'Nuf said'
BACKSTAGE AT BONGO COMICS GROUP-
BILL MORRISON: Hello, faithful reader. Welcome to a NEW SECTION of Futurama Comics called 'Backstage at Bongo'. I'm Bill Morrison, Editor and creative director of Bongo Comics. See? Since this is the FIRST EVER 'Backstage At Bongo', I thought I'd introduce you to some of the folks who work here. And we might even get to meet Bongo's founder and publisher, Matt Groening. Here's Terry DeLegeane, our managing editor.
TERRY DELEGEANE: I thought we were waiting for Matt.
BILL MORRISON: No time. I've got a meeting at the Sci-Fi Channel in an hour. This is our art director, Nathan Kane.
NATHAN KANE: But, Bill, what about Matt...
BILL MORISON: What Nathan means is 'What MATT-ers at Bongo is QUALITY art direction'. Here's Bob Zaugh, Chris Ungar, and Sherri Smith. I'm not really sure what they do, but they're here every day doing it.
BOB ZAUGH: Hey, someone's coming in the front door.
BILL MORRISON: Finally. Thank goodness. Oh, it's JUST Patric M. Verrone. I mean, Oh, it's none other than Patric M. Verrone, who wrote THIS VERY ISSUE! He doesn't actually work here.
PATRIC M. VERRONE: That's right, Bill. Like most writers, I work at a LEISURELY PACE in my FABULOUS MANSION. Here are those pages you requested LAST YEAR. (bender's hands can be seen bending over the edge of the page)
TOM KING: Hey, Bill, I re-did the splash page to make Bender look MEANER. Can I get PAID now?
BILL MORRISON: Well, well, here's the artist for this issue, Tom King, visiting from HIS mansion too.
TOM KING: You know I live in a HOVEL.
BENDER: (jumping into the frame from the bent over corner) did I hear my name?
BILL MORRISON: Bender?
BENDER: Hey, this place looks like one of those cheesy 3-D MOVIES they showed at the IMAX THEATER before I burned it down!
PATRIC M. VERRONE: (being carried away by Tom King) My chauffeur's not going to believe this.
TOM KING: No money is worth this.
BENDER: That's right, It's me, Bender. So, what goes on HERE?
BILL MORRISON: (points to his office door) This is Bongo Comics. I'm Bill Morrison, editor and creative dir...
BENDER: Yeah, yeah, I can read the door. (sees a Bender statue in the office) Hey, look at this! Are you guys in one of those CULTS that I've dreamed of reading about where you IDOLIZE ME and WORSHIP ME and give me free BOOZE?
BILL MORRISON: Not exactly.
BENDER: Well, what is this place? And where's the fridge full of beer?
UNNAMED BONGO EMPLYEE (sorry, dude!): We don't have a fridge full of beer. We produce comic books here.
BENDER: Comic books? Well, then where's the drawer full of SNIFFING GLUE?
UNNAMED BONGO EMPLYEE: We don't have a drawer...
BENDER: Okay, I'm BORED. See you fleshbags later.
BILL MORRISON: Wait! I wanted to do a reference drawing from life! You're TALLER than I expected!
NEXT MONTH... EMPLOYEE REVIEWS!
BENDER BREAKS BACK IN!
PROFESSOR: Oh my! Bender got a NUCLEAR DEVICE and detonated it in a hot air balloon in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle! The sky is falling! THE SKY IS FALLING!
FRY: No, Professor. All I said was, Bender made a STRANGE HOLE in the hangar. The sky isn't falling.
PROFESSOR: Oh, yes. That hot air balloon thing was my idea for next New Year's Eve. Tell me more, chicken little.
LEELA: It's very simple, Professor. Bender bent some kind of hole in the Space Time Continuum, and he's disappeared into it.
PROFESSOR: Oh yes, that does sound simple.
FRY: It does?
PROFESSOR: (holds up a Harvey Comics 'Wendy, The Good Little Witch' comic)You see, the fabric of space-time is as THIN as the pages of this comic book. It tears VERY EASILY. (tries to tear the comic) Nnnnff! (struggles and breaks into a sweat)
LEELA: (grabs comic) Like this? (tears it in half)
PROFESSOR: WENDY! Leela, you're buying me a NEW ONE!
FRY: But what about Bender? And that space-time TINCAN-OFRUM?
PROFESSOR: Somehow, Bender found just the right spot in the CONTINUUM to grab. Once he did that, his bending ability made the rest easy.
FRY: So, how do we get him back?
PROFESSOR: First, we have to find out where he is. Fortunately, I have a device that monitors Bender's whereabouts at all times. Look in this viewfinder, and you'll see exactly what Bender is seeing right now.
LEELA: I don't see anything.
PROFESSOR: You have to put a NICKEL in, cheapskate.
LEELA: (puts in a nickel) IT'S WORKING! Bender is looking at a clerk at a STARBUCKS who is handing him a cup of coffee. No, latte. A mocha latte!
FRY: That's Bender! He loves his mocha latte.
LEELA: Now Bender is shaking the clerk and demanding money!
PROFESSOR: Bender holding up a STARBUCKS? He could be anywhere in the UNIVERSE! It's hopeless! (the doorbell rings)
HERMES: (answers the door. Lrrr and Ndnd are there with their soldiers) What in blood-fire* do YOU want? (* A Jamaican phrase for 'Hell')
LRRR: I am Lrrr, from the planet Omicron Persei 8! Our VACATION PLANET has been ruined by an ecological disas...
NDND: We want the robot you call 'Bender'!
HERMES: Follow me. (lets them in)
LRRR: Why did you interrupt me? You're ALWAYS interrupting me!
NDND: You never get to the point. The man doesn't care about our problems. Just tell him we want the robot, and let's go home.
LRRR: The robot Bender broke a bottle of hops and barley on our vacation planet, causing a CHAIN REACTION that destroyed the delicate ecosys...
NDND: He got suds all over our stoop, and we want him to clean it up. Where is he?
LRRR: You did it again.
HERMES: Normally, I'd hang that drunken bilge bucket over in a Kingston minute, but today I can't.
LRRR: Then face the consequences. (shoots Hermes, and reduces him to a small pile of ashes)
AMY: Oh my God! The KILLED Hermes!
FRY: You BASTARDS!
NDND: Now where is the robot Bender?
PROFESSOR: He's in that hole. Go look for yourselves.
LRRR: We'll go see, but if this is trick, we'll tear out you heart...
NDND: We'll KILL you.
PROFESSOR: Oh, no trick, I assure you.
LRRR: (climbing in the hole) You did it AGAIN.
LEELA: Now what do we do?
PROFESSOR: Don't worry, I stuck a HOMING DEVICE under Lrrr's cape. It will help us to track down Bender.
FRY: But what about Hermes?
AMY: HE died the way he lived... SMOKIN'.
LRRR: (climbing through the hole into the blank page. It is now littered with trash.) All right, what have we got here? Any sign of the robot?
NDND: (holds a smoldering cigar) Not exactly. But it isn't the ONLY DIMENSION he can make a pig of himself in. You and He have a lot in common.
LRRR: What? He also married an unrelenting nag?
OMICRONIAN SOLDIER: (points to a tear, folded over) Sir, take a look in here! It looks like one of those 3-D movies they used to show at the Imax before it burned down.
MEANWHILE, BACKSTAGE AT BONGO...
MATT GROENING: Wait 'til you guys see the great new JAPANESE TOYS and OLD JAZZ LPS I just bought!
UNNAMED BONGO EMPLYEE: Hey, Matt.
BILL MORRISON: Matt, you're never going to believe me, but Bender was just here! (Lrrr peeks in)
MATT GROENING: Of course I don't believe you. I thought I told you guys to lock up the glue drawer.
BILL MORRISON: No, you don't understand. It was the REAL Bender. And he came in through that hole... Uh-oh...
LRRR: I am Lrrr, from the planet Omicron Persei 8. We have come for the robot Bender.
NDND: (pleased) That's better. Concise and to the point.
BILL MORRISON: We can't give him to you.
LRRR: Then face the consequences. (Shoots Bill)
BILL MORRISON: AUGGHH!
MATT GROENING: (Looks down at the pile of ashes that once was Bill) I believe you now about Bender being here, Bill.
NDND: Our patience is at an end. Tell us where the robot Bender is so that we may destroy him and his immediate confines!
(But I was promises a love scene with Leela!- Bill)
MATT GROENING: Sure thing. He's at 10201 Pico Boulevard.
LRR: (holds up a 'Big Book Of Hell' book) Very well. Now, please sign my book. To Lrrr, with three 'R's. (looks at his book) 'Your pal, Matt Groening'. Did you know he is LFT HANDED? And he's TALLEZR than I expected.
UNNAMED BONGO EMPLYEE: So what's at 10201 Pico Boulevard?
MATT GROENING: Fox Studios. Hey Nathan, you wanna be editor and creative director?
NATHAN KANE: (walking out with packed bags) NO.
BACK AT PLANET EXPRESS...
AMY: (holding a dustpan and an old tissue box labeled: Hermes Conrad 2959 – 3004) Professor, is there anything you can do about Hermes?
PROFESSOR: Of course not. What am I? A MAD SCIENTIST? Now leave me alone while I try to track a space creature through a time tunnel caused by a mechanical robot. (A small device he is holding makes a 'PING' noise) Eureka!
LEELA: What is it? Good news, everyone?
PROFESSOR: Why, yes. I've picked up the Omicronian homing signal!
AMY: Splooray! Where are they?
FRY: WHEN are they?
PROFESSOR: (checks his machine) Unless I'm misreading these funny colored dials and loud buzzers, Bender blazed a trail through the space-time continuum that starts in this building and ends...
FRY: Uh, yes?
PROFESSOR: (holds up his now taped together 'Wendy The Good Little Witch' comic)...IN A 21st CENTURY COMIC BOOK! But not this one.
FRY: Uh, so, how do we get him back?
PROFESSOR: The only way to get Bender BACK is to make sure that he NEVER LEAVES.
LEELA: How do we do that?
PROFESSOR: There's only ONE WAY. But we need the HELP of the COMIC BOOK READER out there!
LEELA: (whispers to Amy) He's insane.
AMY: (whispers to Leela) You hold him down. I'll get the sedatives.
PROFESSOR: I heard that! I'm NOT insane! And I won't need any more sedatives for another four hours. Now listen to me! When Bender went into his rage, he broke through the continuum and ripped apart the frames of a comic book somewhere. All we have to do is get the simpleton- I mean 'POP CULTURALIST' who is reading the comic book in question to seal off the section where Bender went berserk. That way no one can ever read that section again!
FRY: Professor, you can't do that! The COLLECTIBLE VALUE of the book will be SIGNIFICANTLY REDUCED!
PROFESSOR: I'm afraid that's the price our dear reader will have to pay if he...
AMY: Or she.
PROFESSOR: No, it's a he. This is a comic book with a sci-fi tie in. It's the price HE will have to pay to bring Bender back.
LEELA: But what about the storyline? Won't cutting out pages ruin the writing?
PROFESSOR: STORYLINE!? WRITING!? This is a COMIC BOOK! Now stand over there and do exactly as I say. All you have to do is to make believe you're telling Bender he's great and that no one appreciates him.
FRY: Oh, Bender, you're... great. No one appreciates you enough.
AMY: Hey, that's what I was going to say.
LEELA: Yes, me too.
PROFESSOR: Come on! Lay it on THICKER! This is BENDER you're trying to impress!
AMY: I can't think of anything to say.
LEELA: Me neither. Certainly nothing witty or clever.
FRY: I could perform a Bender HAIKU.
PROFESSOR: You morons! It doesn't have to be WITTY or CLEVER... this is a COMIC BOOK for Heaven's sake! Just say your stupid haiku!
FRY: Bender the robot./ He wants everyone to kiss/ His Shiny metal... darn, I ran out of syllables!
PROFESSOR: Well, that was god-awful. But let's hope it was good enough. Okay, faithful reader. Here's what YOU do. Inwardly fold pages seven through twenty as a group. Next, fold page twenty one so that the RIGHT half of page TWENTY ONE matches the LEFT half of page SIX. Then tape the FOLDED edges to page SIX, and the OUTER edge of page TWENTY ONE to the CENTER FOLD and VOILA! Everything should be back to normal!
LEEA: I don't see Bender.
AMY: Nothing's changed.
FRY: Ptooey! (spits out Zoidberg's used tissue) How did that tissue get in my mouth? SOMETHING must have happened. The Professor's cockamamie scheme worked! Maybe we just didn't try hard enough...
PROFESSOR: Oh my. It DIDN'T work. Maybe the reader should go out and buy every single copy of this comic book h that he can find.
FRY: That won't work!* The reason we didn't bring Bender back was because we didn't say a single nice thing about him! Sure he can be difficult sometimes, but he's still the BEST FRIEND I ever had. Bender, if can hear me, I miss you! And if saying good things about you will bring you back, then here goes...
(* But it's worth a try- Bill)
LEELA: (holding up a comic) Professor, do you think we can try it again with the next page?
PROFESSOR: I don't see what harm it could do. Okay, Fry, You rant on like a nut about Bender.
AMY: Yeah, Fry, Bender is great, isn't he?
FRY: You don't know the half of it! Bender is the greatest robot that ever walked on the face of this or any other planet, and anyone who doesn't wear a t-shirt or carry a sign or start a religion in his honor is wasting his life.
LEELA: Amen to that!
PROFESSOR: I think this ought to do it.
AMY: I can't imagine anything possibly going wrong now.
ZOIDBERG: Hello again, all. Don't get too close, I've still got the sniffles.
FRY: Here are few more facts about Bender. He's good looking, he's brave, he has very good hearing, and he's very intelligent, in an artificial sort of way.
LEELA: Oh no. It's Dr. Zoidberg!?
AMY: Oh no! ZOIDBERG! He used Bender like a garbage can before... that's what we forgot to fix!
PROFESSOR: Well, don't just stand there like a giddy Martian grad student! Do something!
(Amy pushes over the professor's machine that tracks Bender, and Zoidberg uses it as a trash can)
FRY: And he's funny, and he's kind to small animals, and he's got a lot of storage space, and...
BENDER: Okay, fry, I'll let that crack about my intelligence go by. Now, go on with what you were saying.
AMY: I'm so glad you're back!
BENDER: What's your problem? It was just a stupid delivery mission.
HERMES: I'm back too!
BENDER: Big deal. Where were YOU anyway?
HERMES: I... don't... know.
(Amy hides the tissue box with his ashes)
BENDER: Well, I was on a mission where there wasn't a statue or a plaque or any sign of recognition.
FRY: Poor, poor Bender. No one appreciates you. No one at all. EXCEPT US.
PROFESSOR: And someone OUT THERE as well.
BENDER: What are you raving about, old man?
PROFESSOR: Oh nothing. Nothing at all. Just finish your mocha latte and remain calm.
BENDER: Don't mind if I do. Now if you'll excuse me, I can't be late for my anger management class. It really ticks them off when I'm late.
FRY: Bender in anger management? This I gotta see. (runs over to the Bender tracking device and pulls out another of Zoidberg's used tissues) Ewww.
ZOIDBERG: That reminds me, Hermes, we need more tissues.
HERMES: (grabs the tissue box with his ashes in it) There's a box right here, you sick crabcake. In the glue drawer.
LEELA: Professor? All these continuity errors are making me wonder... what happened to the Omicronians?
PROFESSOR: Hmmm. I don't know, Henny Penny. I just don't know.
Meanwhile at FOX...
LRRR: And then, after the bachelor picks his favorite bachelorette, you reveal that he is actually a horrible space monster who devours all the women and takes over the earth.
FOX EXECUTIVE: I LOVE IT! It's the PERFECT SHOW for Fox. You know, for non-professionals, you're very hip to show biz.
NDND: We're big fans of your network. We never miss a show. If we're out of town on vacation, we even get tapes sent to us. Hey, what happened to those tapes they were supposed to deliver to the hut yesterday?
HEY JERK-WAD! THINK FOR YOURSELF!
You wouldn't let a BRAIN SLUG tell you what to do, would you? Well, WOULD YOU? Of course you would. You'd have no choice! But why do you listen month after month to unscrupulous comic book publishers who try to brainwash you into shelling out your hard earned chump-change for their inferior pulp? They're not the boss of you!
FIGHT THE POWER!
YOU are the master of your own destiny!
YOU decide which comics to buy, and which to leave rotting on the shelf!
YOU look fabulous! Have you been working out?
BUY BONGO COMICS!!!
BONGO COMICS are for you! BONGO COMICS will make your miserable life worth living! You must have BONGO COMICS!
The next time you hear a phone ring, RUSH to your nearest comics retailer and reserve your copy of the next issue of Simpsons Comics, Bart Simpson, Futurama Comics, Simpson's Classics, or Simpsons Super Spectacular! In fact, order one for each room in your house, so you'll never be far from BONGO COMICS!
You will now awaken fully refreshed, with no conscious memory of this ad.