Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #21: More Than A Filling
Transcribed by Umbreon

ERIC ROGERS – SCRIPT

JOGN DELANEY – PENCILS

ANDREW PEPOY – INKS

JOEY MASON – COLORS

KAREN BATES – LETTERS

BILL MORRISON – EDITOR


Fry screams and sweats while a diabolical-looking drill holds his mouth open. The drill, in actuality, is the arm of a dentist robot that also has a mirror and large lights coming out of his head.

DENTISTBOT: So, Philip J. Fry, you say it’s been over 1,000 years since your last cleaning? I guess our six-month reminder card must have gotten LOST in the mail! *he chuckles*

FRY: (with his mouth still held open) Ah gueth tho.

DENTISTBOT: (looks in Fry’s mouth) Oh my goodness! This is the most UNBELIEVEABLE thing I’ve ever seen!

FRY: (sits up) Is it my spleen?

DENTISTBOT: (his drill hand slowly retracts into a normal robot hand) No, it’s your TEETH! How do you get them so pearly white?

FRY: (grins) Bleaching strips. I used some just before I was frozen in the 20th century. You’re only supposed to wear them for thirty minutes, but mine were on for a thousand years.

DENTISTBOT: (pulls off his gloves) Well Philip, since you don’t need a cleaning, is there something ELSE you want me to look at?

FRY: (points to his mouth) Well, I do have some fillings that have been feeling sort of weird lately…

The dentistsbot quickly pins Fry to his chair, his drill hand reforming with a few menacing clicks.

DENTISTBOT: All righty, let’s take a look. Open please… hmm, very peculiar. Those archaic fillings seem to be TRANSMITTING some sort of strange signal. *he finally backs off* I’m afraid there’s not much I can do, besides yanking your teeth out.

FRY: (shrugs) Well, do what you gotta do. I’m sure the NEW teeth that grow in will do the job JUST FINE.

DENTISTBOT: Uhh… Fry, there won’t BE any new teeth growing in. Humans can only regenerate hair and skin cells.

FRY: Wait, does this mean I’m never going to grow back the kidney that Bender took from me in my sleep?

DENTISTBOT: Umm… yes. However, if you’re not too attached to them...

The dentistbot turns to shelves that hold jars of various teeth. Among them are a set of large teeth labeled ‘Carly Simon’, wooden teeth labeled ‘George Washington’, a single tooth labeled ‘Mike Tyson’, a few fragments of teeth labeled ‘Bigfoot’, fangs labeled ‘Count Chocula’, and a seemingly normal pair labeled ‘Jimmy Carter’. Also on the shelf is a hyper-looking beaver.

DENTISTBOT: … your teeth would be a PERFECT addition to my esoteric tooth collection!

FRY: (stands and smiles nervously) You know, I think I’ll pass. I want to try and figure out why my teeth are making these weird noises.

DENTISTBOT: (sighs) Let me know if you change your mind.

Back at Planet Express, Leela, Amy, and Zoidberg sit around the table in the lounge while Fry stands next to them holding up a piece of floss.

FRY: …then the dentist gave me two inches of free dental floss! Not that I’ll need it, of course. My teeth are PERFECT.

ZOIDBERG: Yes yes, I concur with the ro-but’s examination.

LEELA: Have you ever even LOOKED inside Fry’s mouth, Dr. Zoidberg?

ZOIDBERG: (lifts Fry’s shirt and points at his stomach) OF COURSE! But it’s usually too full of lint to SEE anything! Now Fry, those fillings need a clean environment. I want you to refrain from eating for a WHOLE WEEK. No, TWO, make it! *he begins to drool* And you must bring all your food to ME so I know you’re NOT CHEATING!

Bender enters wearing an apron that reads ‘Iron Chef’ and carrying a tray with large cuts of meat on it.

BENDER: Yeah yeah, blah blah blah, Fry’s a doofus, Zoidberg’s hungry, and Bender’s great. Now, who wants BUGGALO WINGS?

Amy and Zoidberg each pick up a large wing.

AMY: I LOVE buggalo wings! As long as they’re not made from real buggalo.

ZOIDBERG: I love ANYTHING!

LEELA: (turns to Fry) Fry, I think you should let the Professor take a look at those fillings.

BENDER: HEY! I didn’t spend my morning sleeping in, going to the track, mugging an orphan, eluding the police in a high-speed chase, and cooking for ten minutes so you could bore us with your thoughts and feelings. Now EAT!

LEELA: This could be SERIOUS! Fry has 20th century metal fillings in his mouth and they’re making strange noises. Who knows WHAT kind of plot could be thickening right under his nose!

BENDER: Wait! Did you say 20th CENTURY METAL FILLINGS?!

LEELA: Yeah, so what?

BENDER: (pries open Fry’s mouth) Those fillings are made of MERCURY!

FRY: So?

BENDER: Mercury is in very short supply these days. And when melted down, it’s a robot delicacy! *he pulls a large pair of pliers from his chest* After I yank your fillings out, I’m gonna make a KILLING selling them on the robot black market!

AMY: OW! BENDER! *she holds her cheek* These AREN’T buggalo wings! They’re WING-SHAPED ROCKS PAINTED ORANGE!

BENDER: I’ll have you know those are FREE-RANGE ROCKS! I use only the best!

ZOIDBERG: (slurps) Mmm, I’ve never tasted such a CRUNCHY BUGGALO! I must get the RECIPE!

PROFESSOR: (walks into the lounge) What’s all this LACKADAISICAL BALLYHOO? I don’t pay you people to stand around!

ZOIDBERG: I don’t get paid at all…

LEELA: Actually, Professor, you’re just in time. Fry has some fillings that need to be examined by someone with your scientific expertise.

PROFESSOR: You mean picking and scraping? HUZZAH! You only hurt the ones you like, and I love Fry! To the laboratory!

In the laboratory, Fry’s mouth is once again held open with static-like sounds coming out.

PROFESSOR: This is amazing! I’m picking up the radio broadcast of the New New York Yankees’ blernsball game! Two blerns, bottom of the blern… and the blerncher goes into his wind-up…

LEELA: That’s your HEARING AID, Professor. You’ve got it turned up too high again. You’re hearing the ACTUAL game from Yankee Stadium SIX BLOCKS AWAY!

PROFESSOR: BLAST YOU! Now I’ll miss the end of the game!

LEELA: (looks at the machine) What IS this thing?

PROFESSOR: I call it “THE JAWS OF DEATH!”

Fry develops a panicked look.

LEELA: Oh, is that because you can also use it to pry people from WRECKED SPACESHIPS?

PROFESSOR: No, I call it that because after using it for ten minutes, you’ll want to kill yourself.

LEELA: So, what’s going on in Fry’s mouth?

PROFESSOR: Well, I believe the sound MAY be some sort of unknown code. I’ll simply hook up my universal DECODI-MA-TRON to Fry’s teeth and see if we can find out where the signals are COMING from and what they MEAN!

Later, a machine spits out a long strip of paper while Fry sits looking much more strained than he did before.

PROFESSOR: BINGO! The Decodi-ma-tron has DECIPHERED one of the signals! *he holds up the paper* “We are visitors.”

LEELA: (looks at another strip of paper coming from the machine) There are MORE messages coming through, Professor! “Which way to the Eiffel Tower?”

PROFESSOR: “We’d like to buy a beret and see a Jerry Lewis movie?”

LEELA: Berets, the Eiffel Tower, Jerry Lewis… These messages must be from the inhabitants of MIMEUS 7, the planet that was colonized by the French.

PROFESSOR: I don’t think so, Leela. Look at this last message: “We are looking forward to meeting you for the first time.” THE MIMEANS have had communications with Earth for HUNDREDS of years, so this CAN’T be them.

LEELA: Then who’s sending the messages?

PROFESSOR: We must be dealing with an unknown race of aliens on their way to Earth. We should call the one organization equipped to handle such foreign affairs… *he picks up the phone*… the DEMOCRATIC ORDER OF PLANETS!

LEELA: THE DOOP? Oh no. That means we’re going to get a visit from…

VOICE: …ZAPP BRANNIGAN, Doop commander of the starship NIMBUS!

ZAPP: Now featuring MIRRORED CEILINGS in the Captain’s chambers!

Zapp and Kif are wearing headphones, on a radio show called “Zoltar and Dr. Gru’s Lovewire” Zoltar is a Neptunian and Dr. Gru is a blue, amoeba-looking alien with a stethoscope.

ZOLTAR: Zapp, welcome to the show! Who’s your friend?

ZAPP: This is none other than my second in command and master of “What’s Zappening,” KIF KROKER! Kif, say hello.

KIF: (sighs) Hello.

ZOLTAR: Well, Zappster, any more juicy tales of romantic conquest?

ZAPP: A-ffirmative, Zoltar! I’ll start with the sad-but-true tale of the one that got away… I call it, “THE INSATIABLE LUST OF LEELA”…

ZOLTAR: Uhh, Zapp, we’ve heard that one SEVERAL times. In fact, that’s the ONLY story you ever tell.

Kif’s cellphone beeps and he answers.

KIF: Kif Kroker here… oh dear… yes, Commander Glab… we’ll come right away, Ma’am!

ZAPP: … now I KNOW I didn’t tell you about her SENSUAL SNORING—

KIF: (taps Zapp’s shoulder) Sir, we’re NEEDED at Planet Express right away. There’s a matter of the utmost INTERGALACTIC PRIORITY!

ZAPP: (pulls off his headphones) THAT’S Leela’s codeword for a BOOTY CALL!

Kif groans.

Later, at Planet Express…

Glab, the Professor, Zoidberg, Scruffy, and Leela gaze into Fry’s open mouth. Zapp is there as well, but is looking at Leela rather than Fry.

GLAB: You say the messages have been non-stop since you connected this machine to Fry’s teeth?

PROFESSOR: OH MY YES! And practically everything they’ve said has something to do with French culture! But the French officials claim to have no knowledge of who these aliens could be!

ZOIDBERG: (sniffs, then gasps) Fry had Doritos for lunch! Someone should really use his tendrils to clear that heavenly cool ranch residue off his tongue!

LEELA: So, Commander Glab, what is the DOOP going to do?

ZAPP: (puts his hand on Leela’s shoulder) I believe the first course of action should involve Leela and me, a box of white Zinfandel, and a continuous loop of “AFTERNOON DELIGHT!”

GLAB: Professor, since we have no way to respond to these transmissions, we must deploy a shift to INTERCEPT the aliens before they get to Earth. We have to be sure this is nothing more then a PEACEFUL visit!

In the background, Zapp cringes as Leela holds him in a wrist-pinch.

GLAB: Captain Brannigan will lead the mission, but he’ll need to bring FRY with him to monitor any new messages. *turns to the Professor and Fry, who is now out cold* You should send Fry home so he can rest up, although he looks as if he’s been getting PLENTY of sleep this afternoon.

PROFESSOR: If by “sleep” you mean passing out from the EXCRUCIATING PAIN caused by my Jaws of Death, then RIGHT you are! Now just let me remove this doohickey, and Fry can be on his way!

ZAPP: Commander Glab, Fry will need to be as comfortable as possible on our journey, so I recommend his curvaceous cohort Leela be ordered to travel WITH him. Preferably wearing something LYCRA, MESH, or RUBBER.

Leela is clearly shocked by this recommendation.

GLAB: There’s logic to having a good friend at Fry’s side, so I’ll allow this.

PROFESSOR: Surely you’re going to need ME to go too, so I can monitor the Decodi-ma-tron?

BENDER: And you’re gonna need someone to administer CIGAR BURNS to help him keep his mind off his UNHINGING jaw!

GLAB: Fair points all. You can both go on the mission as well.

ZOIDBERG: The Professor goes nowhere without his FAVORITE physician! And since that person DIED 40 years ago, I’LL take his place!

SCRUFFY: Scuffy’s got NEKKID PICTURES of Leela from the security camera in the ladies’ changin’ room.

ZAPP: (puts his arm around Scruffy’s shoulders) Meet my NEW first officer! *holds out a mop to Kif* Kif, you’ll do SCRUFFY’S JOB until we return.

KIF: (wipes his eye) Oh… GLORIOUS day!

LEELA: Well, if we’re going to invite everyone USELESS along, let’s not forget AMY and HERMES!

PROFESSOR: WHO?!

In another part of the building, Amy and Hermes stand by the supply closet.

AMY: Hermes, do you ever feel like we’re always in the wrong place at the wrong time whenever anything EXCITING happens around here?

HERMES: Eh, I like to create my own excitement. For example, take these LEAFY GREEN PLANTS I’ve been cultivating in the supply closet…

AMY: SPLAWESOME!

Back in the lab, Zapp, Glab, Scruffy walk out.

GLAB: We’ll reconvene here tomorrow morning. Everyone get a good night’s sleep!

ZAPP: Mr. Scruffy, we’ll have to get you a proper Doop uniform. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to the UPDRAFTS!

PROFESSOR: (addresses Bender, Zoidberg, and Leela) You heard Commander Glab! We’re going on an official Doop mission tomorrow so you all need to be fresh! OFF YOU GO to catch some shut-eye!

That night…

Fry is in bed grinding his teeth. His fillings screech loudly. He sits up in bed to find Bender standing over him with a jack hammer.

FRY: The transmissions have started again, and they’re louder than EVER! Bender, what are you doing in my room with a JACK-HAMMER?!

BENDER: WHAA--?! I’m in your room?! I thought this was a SOUTH AFRICAN DIAMOND MINE!

FRY: You were in here to steal my fillings, weren’t you?

BENDER: Was that the DOORBELL? I’ll just get rid of whoever’s out in the hallway WAITING FOR YOUR TEETH!

FRY: (winces and holds his cheek) I can’t TAKE this anymore! I’m calling the Doop!

JOEY MOUSEPAD: We brought the MONEY. Where are the fillings?

BENDER: He was grinding his teeth in his sleep, so I couldn’t get a clear shot at them.

CLAMPS: (pinches his clamps) You want me to use my CLAMPS? I’ve had a lotta practice extracting teeth outta heads both alive AND dead!

BENDER: Easy, Snappy. I’ve got it under control. I’m gonna follow him back to his room with this CHLOROFORM and—

Bender walks into Fry’s room with a dripping rag, seeing Fry on the phone.

FRY: …okay Commander Glab, I’ll meet you at Planet Express in twenty minutes.

BENDER: AW, NUTS!

Soon…

Everyone is at Planet Express in their pajamas. Glab has a purple robe, Zapp is wearing an oversized t-shirt that reads ’Captains do it on command’, Scruffy is in a velour Doop uniform, Leela’s wearing a small blue tank top and grey sweats with her hair down, and the Professor has a green and white striped nightshirt and cap. Fry is reclined in a chair with the translator device holding his mouth open.

PROFESSOR: How BIZARRE! This message says “which way is the Eiffel Tower?”. They already asked that question!

GLAB: (holds up a strip of paper) What kind of decoding machine IS this?

BENDER: I’ll run a quick systems check to make sure this little lady’s working okay.

Bender plugs himself into the machine. He makes a warbling sound and his mouth goes wavy as his eyes read, “Sys-op performance in progress.” He dings and his eyes flash “performance check complete”.

BENDER: (looks at the Professor) Sorry, CHICKEN NECK, but this machine isn’t a Decodi-ma-tron. It’s a FRENCH TO ENGLISH TRANSLATE-A-MAJIGGER.

PROFESSOR: What? I thought I donated that to the Goodwill AGES ago!

BENDER: Since she didn’t understand the alien signals, she defaulted to standard FRENCH TOURIST PHRASES. *caresses the translator* It’s not your fault, baby. YOU didn’t know.

GLAB: Wait, does this mean you have NO IDEA where the transmissions are coming from?

VOICE: WE DO NOW!

Everyone turns to Kif, who is dressed in Scruffy’s old clothes and holding a mop.

KIF: The aliens are on the news, and they don’t look HAPPY!

On the television, there’s a red-skinned, thin alien with a white and grey stripe down the middle of his body. He has a thin black mustache, a blue cape, a little blue hat, and his arms seem to be metal scissors.

ALIEN: … for days now we have been contacting your planet, only to have our friendly communications rebuked with INSLUTS and THREATS to our glorious race, the SWISSARMIANS! Now you will feel our WRATH as we declare ALL OUT WAR on Earth and its inhabitants! And it is all thaks to the person who chose to ANGER us instead of ACCEPTING our peaceful overtures. PREPARE TO DIE!

LINDA: Ha ha ha… Morbo, this must make YOU a happy camper!

MORBO: ANNIHILATION SCHMIHILATION—Morbo will believe Earth’s complete and utter destruction when Morbo SEES it!

GLAB: But I don’t understand… how can they think we’ve insulted them? We haven’t even TRIED to communicate with them?

PROFESSOR: COLOR ME VEXED as well. Unless…

Everyone suddenly spins to look at Fry.

FRY: Whaa--? A wiwwle welp owah hewe?...

Bender walks over and pulls the Jaws of Death out of Fry’s mouth.

FRY: OWIE ZOWIE!

PROFESSOR: ZOWIE BOWIE yourself! How did you communicate with the aliens, Fry?

FRY: (rubs his jaw) What are you TALKING about? How could I communicate with a bunch of dumb aliens when I didn’t even KNOW they were using my teeth as a WALKMAN! *he begins grinding his teeth again*

PROFESSOR: Wait, what’s that you’re doing there with your mouth?

Bender leaps between the two of them.

BENDER: Oh, PICK me, Bender! I know this one! Fry’s grinding his teeth, just like he does in his sleep every night!

PROFESSOR: Fry, do you realize what you’ve DONE?

FRY: (grins) Did I save the day?

GLAB: No, you IDIOT! Grinding your teeth sent messages back to the Swissarmians that WE DON’T LIKE THEM!

BENDER: Good work, meatbag.

FRY: (glares at the Professor) Well maybe if YOU offered a decent dental plan so I could afford a mouth guard, we wouldn’t be IN this mess!

LEELA: Fry, mouth guards are FREE now. All you had to do was ask your dentist for one.

PROFESSOR: HA! IN YOUR FACE, war-monger!

ZAPP: Whuh? Did someone just say SEX?

LEELA: NO!

ZAPP: Then I must have heard my SECOND favorite word, WAR!

BENDER: HUNNGH! GOOD GOD, Y’ALL!

ZAPP: What is it GOOD for? I’m glad you asked! If these ALIENS want a fight, we’ll erect an offensive so FAST and HARD they won’t even know their defenses have been PENETRATED until after the CLIMAX of the battle!

FRY: Wait, is he talking about a war or not?

ZAPP: (puts his arm around Fry) Of course—a SPACE WAR you’ll witness from a front row seat! Because you’re coming WITH us!

LEELA: (gets between them and pushes Fry away) Wait a minute! Taking Fry along for a peaceful confrontation is one thing, but this is DANGEROUS! Fry’s not a SOLDIER!

ZAPP: True, but he DOES have the only means to intercept the aliens’ communication INSIDE his mouth. Monitoring their transmissions will be VITAL to our forces leading up to the assault.

GLAB: I’m afraid I CONCUR with Captain Brannigan, Leela. We need Fry’s help.

Zapp turns to leave with Glab and Scruffy while Fry follows behind them.

FRY: But I could DIE UP THERE!

ZAPP: Don’t WORRY Fry. Chances are your death will be slow and painful. We should be BACK to EARTH by the time you actually croak. See you at OH-NINE-HUNDRED-ISH tomorrow morning!

Fry turns to Bender and Leela while the Professor snores loudly in the background.

FRY: You guys… this could be my LAST NIGHT ALIVE!

BENDER: What’re YOU mopin’ about? I’M the one not gettin’ rich from your fillings here!

LEELA: (puts her arm around Fry) I guess we should get you home so you can get some sleep, Fry.

FRY: (frowns) There’s NO WAY I’m gonna be able to sleep tonight.

LEELA: Do you want me to sit up with you at your apartment?

FRY: (perks up) If you don’t mind, I could sure use the company.

Later that night…

Fry and Leela sit in the dark on the couch in the middle of Fry and Bender’s apartment, facing the large window and looking out at the city.

FRY: (sighs) To think I may never get to SEE this again!

LEELA: Fry, stop talking like that. You’re going to be fine.

FRY: You don’t know that. And there are so many things here that I haven’t done or seen. But worst of all, I may be spending my LAST waking moments with ZAPP BRANNIGAN!

LEELA: (cringes) Which will make DYING seem like a DREAM COME TRUE! *she reaches over and holds Fry’s hands* Fry, I know you’re going to be fine tomorrow, but I’m also a realist. If you don’t make it, I don’t want the last thing you remember to be CAPTAIN HORATIO HORNDOG!

FRY: What do you propose?

LEELA: Close your eyes, and you’ll find out.

They both close their eye(s) and lean forward, not noticing two small lights outside the window getting closer. When they’re about an inch apart, Leela opens her eye enough to see the lights are right outside the window.

LEELA: Huh--?

A red vehicle sends out two pincers that smash through the glass. The couch flips and Leela grabs Fry’s arm.

LEELA: Fry, LOOK OUT!

FRY: This isn’t QUITE what I expected, but I promise I’ll REMEMBER it!

LEELA: We have to get out of here! MOVE!

The arms wrap around both of them.

FRY: AHH! It’s GOT US!

LEELA: DUH!

Bender walks in from his part of the apartment, wearing a smoking jacket.

BENDER: Hey, keep it down you two. I’m tryin’ to—Hey, what’s with all the shattered glass and—AW NO!

He spots the hovercraft taking off, Fry and Leela wrapped up and being pulled along under it.

BENDER: (shakes his fist) Come back here, you rotten aliens! Those are MY fillings—and best friends!

Further on, Fry and Leela are lowered into the craft, a large crowd of Swissarmians inside. A grey member that looks suspiciously like a large screw stands next to the leader.

SCREW SWISSARMIAN: The one responsible for the INSULTS to our people has been CAPTURED, your lordship!

FRY: Look, I know you guys got some nasty messages from me, but I swear it was nothing personal! I didn’t even KNOW you were so UGLY!

SCREW SWISSARMIAN: (gasps) How DARE you insult Lord Ginn-Soo?!

GINN-SOO: Let him dig his grave, Philips, for he will soon wish he were NEVER BORN after we finish TORTURING him for information!

FRY: What INFORMATION?

GINN-SOO: As much as it will please me to watch you die, that isn’t the ONLY reason we have come to your planet. ALL Earthlings must suffer for your insolence, but we know we do not stand a chance in battle with your army unless we first learn of their strategy and skill! You will TELL us what we need to know to CONQUER your troops! We will use ANY MEANS NECESSARY to obtain the information! *turns to his troops* Zippo, Rusty, are you ready?

Zippo is essentially a giant Zippo lighter, Rusty is a normal looking Swissarmian, basically a Swiss Army Knife, except that his fork-arms are rusted over, and there is another soldier that seems to have toothpicks for arms.

ZIPPO: Let me at him!

RUSTY: (brandishes his fork-arm) He’ll get MY point!

PROBEY: Probey wanna PROBE! Probey wanna PROBE!

GINN-SOO: Soon enough, Probey. Philips, remove the Earthling’s GARMENTS to prepare for questioning.

FRY: You’ll be SORRY!

LEELA: Fry, I can’t believe you’re being so brave!

FRY: What bravery? I’m warning them because I forgot to put on clean underpants!

GINN-SOO: QUIET! Nothing you say or do… or smell like can SAVE you now! Scissy, CUT AWAY!...

Another Swissarmian, this one with scissors for arms and a head, her eyes at the fingerholes, slips a blade between Fry’s belt and his jeans just as a loud ‘BOOOM’ sounds. A few Doop soldiers and Scruffy, led by Zapp, enter the side of the ship along with Bender and the Professor.

ZAPP: No one’s dropping their pants on this ship unless it’s ME!

GINN-SOO: Who dares--?!

ZAPP: ZAPP BRANNIGAN, captain of the army of the Democratic Order Of Planets and saver of grateful one-eyed females!

FRY: Professor, how did you FIND us?!

PROFESSOR: I simply used one of my inventions, a modified METAL DETECTOR. The rare mercury in your fillings is a heavy element, so I simply set the detector’s wavelength to the HEAVY METAL BAND.

FRY: Cool! Rock on!

PROFESSOR: Not rocks, you pinhead! METAL!

Zapp raises his pistol as the Doop stands on one side of the room and the Swissarmians stand on the other, with Fry and Leela still hanging by the mechanical arms wrapped around them.

ZAPP: Lay down your arms… and legs… and, er, heads, and SURRENDER!

PHILIPS: NEVER!

LEELA: What are you even DOING here, Bender?

BENDER: If my best friend dies, I’M the one who’s gonna bring him home!

LEELA: Aww, that’s so SWEET…

BENDER: SCREW “sweet!” I want those FILLINGS!

ZAPP: Ready, men… FIRE!

The soldiers all fire their laser rifles, but the shots all bounce off Ginn-Soo’s chest.

GINN-SOO: Our skin is made of IMPENETRABLE SCALES! Your guns are USELESS! We are only vulnerable to BLADES that can get under and between our protective plates!

Bender opens his chest, revealing various melee weapons.

BENDER: In that case, gentledoops, choose your WEAPONS!

GINN-SOO: (looks worried) Oh WHY do I so love the sound of my own voice?!

The Doop and Swissarmians begin fighting while Bender steps on Probey.

BENDER: Go PROBE yourself, pal!

He unties Fry and Leela and once they’re down, he picks up Swissarmian, presumably Probey, to punch him in the face. He stops halfway when he notices the other soldiers.

FRY: They’ve got us surrounded, Leela! What are we gonna do?

LEELA: Take my hands and SWING ME, Fry!

He does as he’s told and swings her in a wide arc, allowing Leela to kick the faces of any Swissarmians she passes.

LEELA: YEEAH! HI-YAH! KEE-YAH!...

FRY: Uh, Leela… there’s something I need to TELL you…

He loses his grip and Leela goes flying.

LEELA: HEEEY! *she hits a wall* OW! Fry, why’d you let go of me?

FRY: I’m sorry, Leela, but I always get SWEATY PALMS when I have to hold a girl’s hands! *a Swissarmian soldier grabs his head in a vice-like hand* What the--?! Hey, MY HEAD!

SWISSARMIAN: ZIPPO, help me crush this human’s gourd like a melon!

ZIPPO: You GOT it, GRIPPO!

Fry begins to grind his teeth and makes his fillings shriek loudly. Both soldiers cringe.

SWISSARMIAN: ARGH! The NOISE! It’s so PAINFUL!

ZIPPO: Can’t… maintain… consciousness…

They both pass out and Fry is left rubbing his head.

LEELA: Fry, having your head crushed cause you to grind your teeth! The sound knocked the Swissarmians out!

FRY: So to defeat them, I need to have my head crushed AGAIN?

LEELA: Not only that, but it needs to be AMPLIFIED!

BENDER: Allow ME… *he pulls a megaphone out of his chest, holds it in front of Fry’s mouth, loops one arm around Fry’s head, and squeezes*

FRY: GAAGH!

All the Swissarmian soldiers cover their ears.

LEELA: It’s WORKING!

After they fall, the Doop soldiers all fire off their guns and cheer.

LEELA: Bender, you DID it!

FRY: (still having his head crushed) AARRGGH!

BENDER: Fry, can you keep it down? I can barely hear how much everyone LOVES me.

Two Doop members drag Ginn-Soo out the door.

GINN-SOO: This isn’t OVER! You haven’t seen the LAST of us!

ZAPP: Right you are, my serrated friend. We’ll be monitoring you as you rot in a Doop prison for the rest of your lives. Meanwhile, we’re going to send a PEACE-KEEPING MISSION to your tool shed of a planet to teach your kind how it live without violence and aggression. And if they don’t listen, we’ll just BLOW THEM TO HELL!

LEELA: Are you okay, Fry?

FRY: Sure! I’m just lucky to have a best friend who cares so little for my life that he’s willing to SACRIFICE it for the good of ALL!

BENDER: I give ‘til it HURTS. And speaking of hurting, howzabout openin’ wide for Doctor Bender? *he holds up a pair of pliers*

FRY: (smiles Leela) So you never got the chance to give me something MEMORABLE last night. I’m still game if you are.

LEELA: You know, I think we should wait until the NEXT life-or-death situation.

PROFESSOR: GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! I just got a message from Hermes that we’ve been hired to deliver sensitive nuclear warheads to VESUVIO, the VOLCANIC planet. It’s protected by a complex series of ASTEROID BELTS AND SPACE WORMS!

FRY: (grins) So… you were SAYING?...

Leela rolls her eye and sighs.

ZAPP: (in caption bubble) Was it GOOD for you, too?

THE END

Buddies