Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #22: A Fit Worst Than Death
Transcribed by Umbreon

Medicine—the 11th century…

A man wearing long robes stands over another man lying on a table. His chest is covered in small green blobs.

DOCTOR: Good news! The LEECHES tell me you’re HEALTHY!

PATIENT: AAAAAH!

Medicine—the 21st century…

A normal looking doctor stands beside a man who is lying in a hospital bed.

DOCTOR: Good news! The M.R.I. and CAT SCAN show you’re HEALTHY! Now here’s a BILL for everything your H.M.O. wouldn’t cover.

PATIENT: AAAAAH!

Medicine—The 31st century…

Fry lies on a table with Zoidberg standing over him. Next to him is a large green alien wearing a white coat and a stethoscope with its head pressed against Fry’s chest.

ZOIDBERG: Good news! My associate, DOCTOR LEECH, says you’re HEALTHY!

FRY: AAAAAH!


IAN BOOTHBY – SCRIPT

MIKE KAZALEH – PENCILS

PHYLLIS NOVIN – INKS

JOEY MASON – COLORS

KAREN BATES – LETTERS

BILL MORRISON – EDITOR


Fry sits in the lounge back at Planet Express talking to Bender, who’s wearing a chef hat and carrying a large spoon.

FRY: I hate these Planet Express annual physicals. They’re so INVASIVE!

BENDER: Uh… I think you got a little something on your chest, pal!

Fry looks down and sees Dr. Leech still connected to him.

FRY: HEY!

DR. LEECH: (sucks) Sorry, it’s like POTATO CHIPS. Once I START. I just can’t STOP.

HERMES: (straightens a stack of papers) Okay, we have everyone’s medical reports back, and, according to the good doctor and the bad doctor, you’re all healthy as horses. *he turns to a horse-like alien* Except, ironically, YOU, Clyde. You have Hoof and Mouth disease, and we’ll have to let you go.

CLYDE: (walks out) NUTS!

LEELA: See ya, Clyde!

BENDER: Remember, I have ten bucks riding on you in Saturday’s race!

Hermes lifts his shirt, revealing that his normal beer belly is gone and his chest looks remarkably toned.

HERMES: One item of note, everyone here has lost at least 20% of their body weight since last year, and it’s continuing.

AMY: Oh my gosh, that’s fine on someone like LEELA, but I’m ALREADY at my IDEAL CUTE WEIGHT.

Leela ‘hmmmpf’s.

FRY: Why do you think we’ve all lost so much weight?

BENDER: (walks in with small buckets) Hey, everybody, dinner’s ready!

LEELA: This is a TOMATO in a bowl of LIQUID NITROGEN.

BENDER: It’s GAZPACHO, and it’s supposed to be served COLD. My gourmet cooking is WASTED on you PHILISTINES!

FRY: (hastily covers his mouth) MMMRH!

BENDER: Sure you can have seconds, buddy.

FRY: My lip broke off…

HERMES: Perhaps Bender’s ATROCIOUS COOKING is the reason for our collective weight loss.

AMY: Ga-duh! But why isn’t DR. ZOIDBERG skinnier?

ZOIDBER: I am. Just let me step out of my shell. *he removes his shirt and shell. Like Hermes, he seems more in shape, but with more abs and three pecs* Just check out these new TWELVE PACK ABS. And by abs I mean WASTE SACKS.

Amy and Leela make choked retching sounds. They and Hermes then hold out wads of money.

AMY: I’ll give you ten dollars to never take off your shell again.

LEELA: I’ll DOUBLE it!

HERMES: Triple it if you STOP BREATHING!

BENDER: (walks back in holding a pie and a pie cutter) And now for dessert, APPLE PI! I ran out of apples, so I used applesauce. Then I forgot about refrigerating it, so it’s mostly applesauce mold. DIG IN! Have as much as you want. I got the recipe from a mathematics cookbook so the PI is INFINITE!

Fry sticks his fork in a piece and makes a disgusted sound.

HERMES: SWEET CLOWN OF KINGSTON TOWN! I can’t eat another bite!

FRY: Hermes, NO! You’ll hurt Bender’s feelings!

HERMES: I’m a BUREAUCRAT. I had my EMPATHY removed at BUSINESS SCHOOL! Bender, I’ve lost fifty pounds in a year because of your cooking. Do you hear what I’m saying?

BENDER: I do, I do. *reaches into his chest* Now where did I put my spare set of eyes? Oh there they are. *he pulls out his eyes and replaces them with a set that has money signs for pupils* Cha-ching!

FRY: Oh, this isn’t going to be good.

One week later… Calculon kneels next to a circuit board while holding a bouquet of flowers.

CALCULON: So you’re saying I’m ADOPTED? Then you’re not my real MOTHERBOARD?

The tv shows a screen with ‘“All My Circuts” will be back after these messages’. Fry and Bender on the screen with Fry sitting on their couch holding a Slurm.

BENDER: (faces the screen) Hey, FATSO!

FRY: Oh hey, Bender. What’s with that camera you set up over there?

BENDER: (walks over and pokes Fry’s stomach) Are you disgusted by all that extra flab?

FRY: STOP! Ha ha! That tickles!

BENDER: They try losing weight the easy way!

FRY: Go to a planet with less gravity?

BENDER: (knocks the Slurm out of Fry’s hand) No, stupid! The BENDER way! Drink this shake!

FRY: Okay. *he takes a drink, then spits it out*

BENDER: It’s made with the finest food rejected by the F.D.A.

FRY: It’s like a party in my mouth, and everyone died horribly!

The scene cuts to Bender once again talking into the camera. Behind him are two pictures of Fry, one of him sitting on the couch labeled ‘before’ and one of him retching into the toilet labeled ‘after’.

BENDER: But don’t take MY word for it. Listen to this testimonial!

The shot changes to Leela shaking her fist.

LEELA: Bender’s cooking? Yeah, I lost ten pounds in a week, but I may have to get my colon replaced. I’m thinking of suing the b—Bender, is that you in that ski mask? I was told this was an exposé for the news!

The shot cuts once more to Bender standing in front of boxes of his ‘Bender shakes’, still wearing a green ski mask.

BENDER: Did you hear that? TEN POUNDS in a WEEK! Call now to order the entire Bender line of fine cuisine! No fuss, no muss. Just keep it anywhere you want. No refrigeration is needed. Call NOW!

Fry and Leela sit on the couch in the lounge, watching the commercial on tv.

LEELA: Oh please, what kind of desperate idiot would fall for that?

In the Oval Office…

Nixon’s head is on his desk, his jowls looking larger than usual. Around him are a hamburger, a milkshake, and a piece of cake.

NIXON: Headless body of Spiro Agnew! Order me a couple cases of that diet grub. My facial love handles are getting out of control with all this rich presidential chow!

The next day… Fry is stuck in the middle of a clogged traffic tube.

FRY: Aw, c’mon!

Later, he walks into Hermes’ office.

FRY: Sorry I’m LATE. Tube traffic was CRAZY!

HERMES: This is the TENTH DAY you’ve been late this METRIC WEEK, Fry! You leave me no choice but to dock your PAY and eat your SHIRT!

Fry still wears his jacket while Hermes bites his shirt.

FRY: Are you eating my shirt because you don’t want to have Bender’s food and you’re starving?

HERMES: Nonsense. *he munches* Now get delivering packages before I eat your delicious pants!

Meanwhile at the Presidential Lair of Evil and Chaos… A group of people are taking a tour of the White House.

TOUR GUIDE: Welcome to the White House tour! I’m Becky, and I’ll be your guide along with the head of the former President GEORGE WASHINGTON.

WASHINGTON: I cannot tell a lie, our gift shop has a half-price sale on flags and coffee mugs!

HATTIE: (points into a room) Who’s that handsome devil in there?

BECKY: That’s the Oval Office. I don’t know what handsome person would be in there.

The group walks in to see Nixon’s head on his desk.

BECKY: Oh my gosh! PRESIDENT NIXON!

NIXON: Oh… hello there, voters. Take a picture and get the hell out!

BECKY: Mr. President, you’re STUNNING!

NIXON: Really? Well, the Bender diet did take a few pounds off the old jowls! Ladies, please! You’re fogging up my jar!

AGNEW: *growls quizzically*

NIXON: No! No! Let them live, Agnew! I… kinda like it!

Later that day at the Planet Express office…

Everyone sits around the lounge table, Fry’s arm is in a sling.

LEELA: On the bright side, Fry’s dumb mistake has shown us why, like when riding in a school bus, you should never stick your arm out a spaceship window.

FRY: I wanted to feel the SPACE WIND.

VOICE: And now a message from the President of the Earth!

A hologram of Nixon’s head comes up from the table.

NIXON: Holographic greetings, citizens!

AMY/LEELA/FRY/BENDER: AAAAAH!

NIXON: I seek the one called BENDER!

Bender quickly steals Amy’s clothes and puts them on, along with a mop for a wig. Amy hides behind a chair in her underwear.

BENDER: Sorry, he’s not here to answer to any criminal charges you might have. I’m Amy Wong, an intern, can I take a message?

AMY: Give me back my clothes!

NIXON: Listen, you got me in better shape than the Viet Cong’s jungle-based defense! Bender, I want you to be my CZAR OF PHYSICAL FITNESS!

FRY: Can someone help me with that REFERENCE? Anyone?

BENDER: (takes off his mop wig) Does that mean I have diplomatic immunity?

NIXON: No, but you can boss anyone in New New York around, as long as it’s in the name of physical fitness.

BENDER: I’m IN!

The next day… at Planet Express…

MORBO: (on tv) And in his first act as Physical Fitness Czar, Bender has banned all fatty and tasty food. Morbo applauds his cruel actions!

Meanwhile, Bender is snatching food from anyone he can.

BENDER: Yoink!

LEELA: Hey, I just BOUGHT that ice cream!

BENDER: (he reaches under the couch) Yoink!

HERMES: My hidden MANWICH!

BENDER: I’m only doing this because I CARE! *he tosses the food in his chest* You’ll thank me when you’re healthy!

HERMES: (sees Fry walk in) Fry, you’re LATE again!

A little later, Hermes sits at a table with a single candle, a plate of Fry’s clothes in front of him and sticking a fork into one of Fry’s shoes. Fry is left talking to Leela in his underpants.

FRY: This is stupid! It’s not MY fault that tube traffic is so bad!

LEELA: Why not complain to City Hall?

FRY: Do you think they’d listen?

LEELA: Well, you know what they used to say in your time, “The SQUEAKY WHEEL gets the grease!”

Later at City Hall…

POOPENMEYER: (hands Fry a bucket) You raise a GOOD POINT.

FRY: What’s THIS?

POOPENMEYER: GREASE. You don’t think the tubes are fast enough, so now it’s your job to GREASE THEM UP so everyone goes FASTER.

Shortly… Fry is in a tube rubbing grease around with a rag and growling.

BENDER: (on a billboard) Attention, citizens of New New York! It’s me, Bender, your PHYSICAL FITNESS CZAR, with an IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

At Planet Express, Leela, Zoidberg, and the Professor watch Bender’s message on tv.

BENDER: From now on, we’ll begin every day with exercise!

LEELA: Well, that doesn’t sound TOO bad.

BENDER: All citizens report to Madison Cube Garden for mandatory calisthenics immediately!

FRY: (turns to the billboard) Now?

BENDER: No, the kind of IMMEDIATELY where you sit on your BUTT for an hour or two. Yes, NOW!

Later, Bender stands on a platform in front of a crowd of people.

BENDER: Okay, let’s get started with some low impact warm ups! Everyone grab a piece of LEATHER and a NEEDLE. Now let’s all make SHOES! And one, and two, and…

LEELA: How is this exercise?

BENDER: Less with wagging the tongue, more with the inserting the tongue in the shoe!

LEELA: (gets up) I’m LEAVING!

BENDER: Ignoring a presidential Czar’s orders is considered TREASON! Nothing PERSONAL. Get back to EXERCISING!

Once again on his platform, Bender turns on some music with the aid of Fender. “Let’s Get Physical” plays.

BENDER: Here, I’ll put on some exercise music! Now you’re SWEATSHOPPING to the OLDIES!

Twelve hours later… Zoidberg wearily walks up to Bender.

ZOIDBERG: We need REST! We’ve been working for TWELVE HOURS!

BENDER: Says who?

ZOIDBERG: (points up at the ‘twelve hours later’ caption) That CAPTION-BOT!

BENDER: Are you looking for trouble, boy?

CAPTION-BOT: (sprouts arms and salutes) No sir, Mr. Bender sir…

BENDER: Hmmm… maybe you’re right! I don’t want to work them to DEATH. Good workout, people. Same time tomorrow!

Everyone leaves panting and wheezing. Hermes stops on his way out.

HERMES: Bender, I can’t believe you’re using the citizens of New New York as free labor to make crappy merchandise. For shame!

BENDER: I’d like to hire Planet Express to deliver this crappy merchandise around the universe.

HERMES: (shakes his hand) A pleasure doing business with you. Keep up the good work!

And so, the next day… Bender stands on his platform, this time holding a large megaphone.

BENDER: Sector 23, finish up packing those garden gnome smoke detectors! Sector 45, I want to see my reflection in those COMMEMORATIVE COLLECTOR PLATES celebrating the EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION! Sector 62, I want to see those COMMEMORATIVE COLLECTOR PLATES celebrating the IRONY of using SLAVE LABOR to make the EMANCIPATION PLATES!

FRY: (walks up) Bender, can I cut out early? I’m BEAT!

BENDER: Leave exercise early? Don’t you care about your health?

FRY: With my full-time job greasing tubes, my full-time job at Planet Express, and my full-time job exercising here, I’ve got no time for sleep. There’s not enough hours in the day.

BENDER: I hear ya, buddy! That’s why I’ve legally had the days changed to make them FORTY HOURS LONG.

FRY: You can do that?

BENDER: As long as it’s for health reasons… yep!

LEELA: The President will fire you as soon as he learns this is all a scam to make sweatshop merchandise!

BENDER: The President can’t fire anyone with his mouth full. *he pulls out his megaphone and yells at Nixon and Washington, both of which are making shoes* Come on, you heads, those shoes won’t lace themselves!

Nixon and Washington grunt. Elsewhere, Leela and Amy pack gnomes into boxes.

LEELA: I’m planning a REBELLION. Pass it on!

AMY: I will as soon as I finish packing this box of gnomes. I did triple my quota today.

LEELA: Triple? But I’m only HALFWAY through MY quota.

AMY: I’m sure you’re doing really well for someone YOUR age!

They stare each other down, and then go back to packing boxes.

LEELA: All right, it’s ON! Eat my space dust!

AMY: Don’t BREAK a HIP!

Later at Fry and Bender’s apartment…

FRY: Bender, can we talk?

Bender sits on the couch talking on the phone, while Fry stands holding a bucket and covered in grease.

BENDER: Sure buddy! Right after I finish THIS CONFERENCE CALL! *into the phone* Sure we can increase production. I’ll just triple everyone’s WORKLOAD… I mean EXERCISE ROUTINE. I think an EIGHTY HOUR DAY will do the trick!

Later, Bender is playing in a huge pile of money.

FRY: Bender, can we talk NOW?

BENDER: Sure thing, right after I do my nightly roll in the money I’ve made today!

Much later… Bender is on the couch again.

BENDER: Okay, what’s up?

FRY: Bender, I just wanted to tell you as a friend that I think what you’re doing is WRONG. I hope you’ll look inside your metal heart and do the right thing.

BENDER: Are you still covered in grease?

FRY: Yeah, it just won’t WASH OFF. Why?

Bender reaches out and pushes Fry. He slides out their front door, out of the building, past Planet Express, in front of the Church of Robotology, falls through an open man hole, and along the boardwalk in the mutant village before he finally comes to a stop in front of Raoul, Violet, and Leg Mutant.

FRY: Well, just think about what I’ve said.

Back at the apartment, Bender has two smaller versions of himself on his shoulders. One is white with little wings and a halo, while the other is red with tiny horns and a pitchfork.

ANGEL BENDER: Fry’s right, Bender. You need to CLOSE DOWN your sweatshop NOW!

DEVIL BENDER: I AGREE! Close it down!

BENDER: (looks at the small devil) Wait, aren’t you supposed to be TEMPTING me?

From a different angle one can see the devil and angel are really hand puppets held up by Amy and Leela.

AMY: (as the devil Bender) Oh right, um… steal someone’s purse and then shut down the sweatshop.

LEELA: (as the angel Bender) And let people eat chocolate. Oh, and be nicer to your coworkers!

BENDER: (spins to face them) This is the LAMEST thing I’ve seen since TINNY TIM’S LEG. *he turns to Tinny Tim, who is in the apartment with his begging cup* No OFFENSE!

TINNY TIM: None taken!

BENDER: Look, I know everyone is TIRED, but I’M not tired of making money off of everyone. What’s WRONG with that?

LEELA: Bender, when was the last time you ran your factory-issued MORALITY PROGRAM?

Bender pulls a taped-up box from a shelf in the closet.

BENDER: I’m not sure. Not that long.

LEELA: Look at the size of that floppy disk! That hasn’t been a valid format since forever!

BENDER: (blows off some of the dust) It still works. I’ll show you. *he slips the disc into his mouth* It takes a while to load. The program is in BASIC.

Much, much, much later… Bender dings while Leela naps on the couch.

BENDER: (narrates over what he sees, which is a block version of him and some basic commands) Ah, there it goes!

>10 Input ethical

dilemma

>20 if pleasure

>guilt go too 30>

>30 for 1 = 1 to moral>

>40 next 1>

>50 end evil behavior>

The screen changes to resemble the old PC Doom game. A shotgun fires and Bender jumps out of the way, but the shot hits and smashes a barrel.

BENDER: What the--?! Oh, RIGHT! I put a bootleg video game on this disk!

The screen changes and he’s being chased by brown, pixilated dogs.

BENDER: Aaaah! DOGS!

Suddenly, two men in green uniforms show up with guns, shooting orange lasers.

BENDER: Aaaah! SOLDIERS!

After that, three large men show up holding a single, long gun. One has black hair with a black mustache, one has white hair and a long white mustache, and the last is mostly bald.

BENDER: Aaaaah! CYBORG DICTATOR BOSS LEVEL!

Back in the real world, Leela grabs the disc and puts her feet on Bender’s chest, pulling to get it out of his mouth. Amy has grabbed Leela’s shoulders and pulls her.

LEELA: It’s STUCK! The old floppy disc it too big to get out!

BENDER: HELP!

While she’s pulling, Fry skids back into the apartment.

LEELA: Fry? What are you doing back?

FRY: I went all the way around. Did you know New New York is completely ROUND? *he reaches up and grabs Leela’s ponytail as he passes, and his momentum tugs her hard enough that the disc pops out of Bender’s mouth*

AMY: So what did your morality program tell you?

BENDER: NOTHING!

Leela sighs.

BENDER: But the game… after a while I realized I was starting to act like those CYBORG DICTATORS! The way I’ve been running things, I’ve been no better than they are. Well, better looking. I’ve learned my lesson. From now on I’ll use my czar powers only for GOOD! No more SWEATSHOPS! Just good old-fashioned STARVING people into fitness!

FRY: HOORAY!

The next day… Fry stands in the Mayor’s office, still covered in grease.

FRY: Mayor Poopenmeyer?

POOPENMEYER: Yes, grease monkey?

FRY: I’m out of LUBRICANT for the TUBES. There’s no more grease in the city hall grease room.

POOPENMEYER: Everyone must have been too busy exercising to order it. You’ll just have to IMPROVISE.

Later at the Space Dump and Black Hole Landfill… Fry and Sal are in space suits, while a long line of debris floats into a black hole.

FRY: Hey, have all the butter, bacon, and fatty foods that Bender made people throw away been sucked into the BLACK HOLE yet?

And so later back on Earth… Fry is once again greasing the tubes.

FRY: Man, this food is greasing up the tubes like a charm. A greasy charm! *he finishes and walks away* A job well done!

Behind him, two men walk up to use the tube he just left.

MAN #1: I’m SOOOO hungry!

MAN #2: I know. I’m hallucinating that I smell bacon and frosting.

They get in the tube and begin to zip to their destination.

MAN #1: (runs his finger against the side of the tube) Wait, this IS bacon and frosting!

The tubes are quickly clogged with people all trying to get a taste of the tube walls.

One week later… Fry is in the Mayor’s office again, and yet still covered in grease.

POOPENMEYER: FRY! What did you do? *he gets up and shows Fry people passing by the window, all of them chunky* All of New New York is FAT again! And the tubes are moving slower than ever with everyone stopping to lick the sides. You’re FIRED!

FRY: No matter how many times I’ve heard that, it’s always a RELIEF! I wonder if everyone feels that way.

Bender is back in the Oval office talking to Nixon.

NIXON: (once again with his fat jowls) Everyone’s FAT again! You’ve failed as Physical Fitness Czar! You’re fired!

BENDER: (falls to his knees) Noooooooooo! *gets up* Actually, I’m surprised you didn’t fire me earlier, after I freed you from my sweatshop.

NIXON: Oh, Nixon can get behind THAT kind of good-natured evil. It’s all water under the gate! But FAILURE is another story! There’s only ONE punishment for THAT! Get him, Agnew!

BENDER: AAAAAH!

Agnew growls and lunges forward. He places a medal with a large ‘F’ around Bender’s neck.

NIXON: Give him the CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF FAILURE! You have to wear that for a whole month, so there!

BENDER: Aw, NUTS!

Later, Fry and Bender are on the couch at Planet Express.

FRY: Sorry the Czaring thing didn’t work out for you, Bender!

BENDER: Aw, I don’t have any regrets. *he lights up a cigar* And it’s nice to think my products are still out there on other planets making people’s lives better.

Elsewhere, a man stands at a podium.

MAN: SCIENCE COUNCIL, you must BELIEVE me! Out PLANET, Krypton, is about to EXPLODE!

OLD MAN: Nonsense. We just bought this BENDER-BRAND PLANETARY DESTRUCTION DETECTOR!

A third, bald man holds up a box with a small horn on top, Bender’s face on the front.

BALD MAN: If the planet were in danger, we’d hear a bell ring an hour in advance!

One minute later… the planet explodes. The only things that seemed to have survived are a rocket holding a baby zooming away and the Planetary Destruction Detector, which is ringing. The caption-bot sits at the bottom of the panel, reading “The End!”

Buddies