Comic Transcripts

Comic #23: THE A-TEAM
Transcribed by dinkdrinker







SPACE, eternal, tranquil, peaceful...

...except when it's NOT!


The Planet Express Ship goes speeding through an asteroid field, narrowly missing the Silver Surfer.

SILVER SURFER: DUDE! Watch where you're GOING!

URL: (on a hover cycle hiding behind a small asteroid) Looks like I'm going to make my quota today after all. Oh baby! (chases The Planet Express ship down) Pull over to the side of outer space!

BENDER: (appearing at the airlock) What seems to be the problem, officer?

URL: You were swerving all over the universe! (writes a ticket)

Back inside the ship, an alarm is going off...

LEELA: -yawn- Okay. Regulation nap time's over! (get up of the floor and out from under a blanket) Anything happen while you were piloting the ship?

BENDER: Eh, some flat foot pulled me over for DRIVING WHILE NOT DRINKING, but he let me off with a ticket and a bottle of malt liquor.

LEELA: Fry, were you using the ship's deep space hibernation chamber again?

FRY: (climbing out of the chamber) Maybe, WHO wants to KNOW?

LEELA: I've never met anyone too LAZY to NAP before!

FRY I take my laziness seriously!

LEELA: Bender, get out of my seat! We need to deliver this shipment of popcorn topping to the Andromeda Spaceship Drive-in Theater!

BENDER: (rolls his eyes) Bender do this, Bender do that! I was just starting to have fun! Who wants to see me do SPACE DONUTS?

FRY: Oooh! Me! Me!

LEELA: BENDER, cut it out!

BENDER: Aw, c'mon. What's the WORST that could happen?

BENDER: (looks out the window at a vortex) Um... that vortexy thing was there when we got here, right?

LEELA: No, you made it, and it's pulling us in! We need full power to thrusters! Fry, divert energy from LIGHT SUPPORT!

FRY: You mean LIFE support?

LEELA: No, all these lights in here are a drain! Switch to MOOD LIGHTING! (lights are dimmed and have a trippy disco feel) We're breaking free. Luckily it was a sloppy donut and made a sloppy vortex!


FRY: (Admiring himself in a mirror) Man, we should have the lights like this all the time! I look GOOOOOD!

Suddenly, out of the vortex comes a ship, similar to the Planet Express ship, but instead of Electric Mucus, it is gold.

FRY: What the...!? It looks like another Planet Express ship!

BENDER: They're copying us! Let's blow them up! We need to protect our copyright, or it won't mean anything!

SHIELA: (appearing on the monitor- she is wearing an eye patch) Ahoy! I'm this vessel's Captain! Thanks for opening the vortex and freeing us! Permission to come aboard?

LEELA: Sure, we'll open the cargo bay!

SHIELA: Oh, we're a bit more ADVANCED than THAT!

The crew from the other Planet Express Ship suddenly appears on the bridge.

SHIELA: Why don't we just TELEPORT aboard? Captain Sheila of the Delivery Ship Planet Express! This is Sly, Mender, and Doctor Zoidberg the Second.

LEELA: Captain Leela, um... of the Delivery Ship Planet Express, too.

SLY: (looks a greaser version of Fry) What up?

MENDER: (looks like Bender, but gold, and has a lightning bolt antenna) Hail to you, fellow space travelers!

FRY: You look like us but more better! Why?

LEELA: A good question, stupidly asked.

BENDER: What are you? Some kinda parallel universe versions of us? Because frankly, that's been DONE to DEATH!

MENDER: Perhaps, with your permission of course, I might inform our new friends of our tale.

SHIELA: Permission granted, Mender!

MENDER: Thank you, O CAPTAIN, my CAPTAIN! (FLASHBACK) Many years ago our crew was delivering a package of retsin to the mint mines of Certz 7...

SHIELA: Your Majesty, no longer must your people fear the scourge of HALITOSIS.

CERTZ 7 KING: All hail the Planet Express crew!

MENDER: We left as we usually did, to thunderous applause and appreciation... but one of the celebratory fireworks lodged in our exhaust pipe causing us to spiral out of control, until we opened a vortex and were pulled into it. We found ourselves transported to an uninhabited dimension. I made a suggestion...

To avoid space madness, I propose we take our time marooned in this dimension to BETTER ourselves.

SHIELA: Well said, Mender!

SLY: I got nothing better to do!

MENDER: ... And so we began our mission to improve ourselves through EXERCISE, READING, and SHIP REPAIR.

SLY: Hey, this cloning book is fascinating! Do we still have any of Zoidberg's old shells in the ship's garbage?

MENDER: We even cloned a new Zoidberg...

SLY: I added a few improvements to your DNA!

ZOIDBERG II: (from within the cloning tank) I diagnose myself as BRILLIANT and SOCIALLY WELL ADJUSTED!

MENDER: (flashback ends) But even though we reached our physical and mental peaks, we remained trapped until you freed me and my masters!

BENDER: Masters? What's wrong with you? Did they remove your DIGNITY CHIP?


HERMES: Professor, come quick! You'll want to see this!

PROFESSOR: I haven't moved quickly or seen anything clearly in fifty years. (walks into the next room) AHHHH! My old crew! Back from the dead! Hermes, aim for the brains! It's a ZOMBIE ATTACK!

SLY: We're not zombies, Prof!

PROFESSOR: Gasp! The only DECENT crew Planet Express ever had is BACK! Praise Asimov! Let me hug you! I'll take just a few stretches to get these old arms wide enough!

MENDER: (stops the Professor from hugging) A thousand pardons, dear Professor, but you can't touch us just yet! We might have some inter-dimensional contamination.

PROFESSOR: Very well, but I want a rain check on that HUG.


FRY: The only DECENT CREW? We're standing right here!

HERMES: Yes you ARE standing here. Which brings up a good point! YOU'RE FIRED! (takes out a huge magnet that rips out their career chips)

BENDER: 100110!



FRY: What did you just do?

HERMES: I removed your Planet Express Delivery Crew Identity Chips. When a crew member dies, we use the same identity registration numbers on the next one to save time and money. Legally, two people can't have the same number.

LEELA: So that means?

HERMES: You have no identity now. You're a non person.

BENDER: You mean like a child star when they turn 16?

HERMES: No, I mean, without those identity chips, you can't get a job. You can't rent an apartment. No one's even allowed to acknowledge you. You don't exist.

BENDER: Then why are you talking to us?

HERMES: I have to give you these t-shirts which you will need to wear for the rest of your lives. On the bright side, they're a comfy poly-cotton blend. (holds up a t-shirt that says on it in bold red letters NON PERSON)

PROFESSOR: (showing footage on the large screen) I kept the footage of the time you saved all those kittens while making a tuna delivery to the Friskies Nebula.

SLY: It was the Captain's idea to dangle Mender's arm like a piece of YARN to lure them from the fire.

MENDER: I like to serve my human masters.

BENDER: That's it! Are you part vacuum cleaner? Because you're all SUCK UP! Ignore ME, will ya!?

FRY: Bender, don't!

LEELA: Let's just go!

PROFESSOR: It's so good to have you all back. Things have been a real mess since you've been gone.



FRY: I wonder if these IGNORE SHIRTS work on everyone. (to a random passerby) Yo! How's it going? (the person walks by)

LEELA: This is New New York. No one ever looks at each other! We need another test.

FRY: Okay! (kicks in a storefront window, and steals a TV)

BENDER: Hey! Smashing and looting is MY thing! How would you like it if I stole your BEING STUPID schtick?

LEELA: (sees Smitty walk by) The cops are ignoring us! I guess we really can't be acknowledged by anyone.

BENDER: That means we can't get in trouble for anything, right?

LEELA: I guess not, but...

BENDER: I'll be right back.

Suddenly, Bender is seen on the News with Morbo...

BENDER: I interrupt the evening news to read to you the 701 words you can't say on TV.


SAL/TINNY TIM: (whispering) Ignore.


LEELA: (calls Fry on his cell phone) Fry, it's Leela. I just wanted to see how you were holding up on your second day as a non person.

FRY: (On cell phone) I'm fine. Just catching up on my reading... in a college girl's locker room. What's with you?

LEELA: Giving the Mayor a WEDGIE!


LEELA: and that's for not following up on the tax cut you promised!

FRY: (now in the shower w/ the girls) Wait a minute. I have another call coming in. Oh hey, Bender. Say, what's with all the honking I hear?

BENDER: (wearing a jet pack) I just moved a few traffic lights around. It's fun! (Traffic is backed up to spell the word 'BENDER') Like the sky's my Etch-A-Sketch! Wanna grab some dinner? I know just the place.


LEELA: oh, this BABELFISH AND CHIPS is AMAZING! It's translating so many flavors in my mouth!

BENDER: What's wrong, buddy? You haven't touched your meal!

FRY: I just can't get comfortable.

BENDER: (sitting on an obese father) Wanna trade seats? Mine's nice and plushy!

FRY: It's not the seat.


MOTHER: (has Leela sitting on her lap) Just ignore them, honey!

FRY: I may not have been the best delivery boy, but being a delivery boy was what I did best. I want my old job back! Plus, all the steam from the girls shower is making my HANDS look like the PROFESSOR'S BACK!

LEELA: I went to see my parents today, but they ignored me too!


BENDER: And I hate the thought of that goody two shoes MENDER touching my STUFF!

LEELA: Then it's agreed. We're going to go to Planet Express and demand our old jobs back!


BENDER: With a big fat raise for Bender!

FRY: (leaving Elzar's. Takes off the t-shirt) I'm sick of this shirt! I'm just gonna take it off. What's the worst they could do? (Leela and Bender take theirs off as well)


BENDER: Hey! I thought you were supposed to ignore us!

URL: While you had the shirts on, yes! But you took them off, violating the NON-EXISTENCE HONOR SYSTEM!

SMITTY: So now we have to put you someplace where you won't hurt anybody and no one will ever care about you!

FRY: PORTLAND? (Smitty fires a gun at them, sending them into a portal)

LEELA: Oh no! I know what this is! It's a fate worse than death! We've been banished to... THE FANDOM ZONE!

FRY: Did you say the PHANTOM zone?

LEELA: No, the fandom zone. A dimension close to ours where obsessed fans and stalkers are sent to keep them away from celebrities. If you concentrate, you can still see the real world but can't affect it in any way. We're like ghosts!

BENDER: (ghost like, trying to steal Hattie's purse) Awwww!

LEELA: The only way they can communicate is through the Internet, posting on message boards.

GIRL NERD: Dear Calculon, why don't you return my e-mails? I send you fifty a day. Do you need more to know my true feelings?

BOY NERD: Once Joss Whedon reads my online Buffy fan fiction novel, I know he'll want to go camping with me!

LEELA: We need to find some way to escape this nerdy purgatory. We don't belong here, Fry! Fry?

FRY: (punches a male Trekkie nerd) This guy said the greatest 'Star Trek' captain of all was SCOTT BAKULA! Them's fightin' words!

TREKKIE NERD: Eat fist, Kirk lover!

LEELA: (separates them) Break it up! We have more important things to do. And anyway, JANEWAY was the best Captain!

BENDER: (still ghostlike trying to annoy people in NNY) Aw, man! I can't even ANNOY people anymore!

GIRL NERD: You're annoying ME!

BENDER: STALKERS aren't PEOPLE! You're like lobsters, you can't even feel pain! Get me a pot of boiling water, and I'll show you!

FRY: (pointing to Planet Express) Hey, isn't that the Planet Express building over there?

LEELA: Yes. If we concentrate, we should be able to Casper The Friendly Ghost our way through the walls!

FRY: Cool! When I was a kid, I always wanted to have Casper's powers, Richie Rich's money, and and Hot Stuff's devil may care good looks!

LEELA: Well, one out of three...

BENDER: (coming into the hanger) There they are!

PROFESSOR: Another successful delivery! Can I hug you yet?

MENDER: Not yet, Professor. I care about your safety too much.

HERMES: (he is now skinny) Oh, clone of Dr. Zoidberg, this low-carb, high-jerk meat diet you've put me on is AMAZING! I've lost FIFTY POUNDS!

ZOIDBERG II: Glad to hear it!

HERMES: Your MEDICAL COMPETENCE just makes me hate the ORIGINAL Zoidberg all the more.

ZOIDBERG: So this isn't the best time to ask for a raise, I take it?

HERMES: Planet Express Crew, we're having a Limbo party in your honor upstairs!

MENDER: We'll be there in a minute, gentlemen! My team needs to debrief after the mission!

HERMES: You know THE OLD ROBOT we had never could say the word 'DEBRIEF' without making an underpants joke! Glad to see you're such a CLASS ACT!

BENDER: He's saying that guy's classier than me! I'm in 'WHO'S WHO'!


As The Professor, Hermes and Zoidberg leave- the new crew- minis Mender, disappear.

FRY: Hey, where did Sly, Sheila, and clone Zoidberg go?

MENDER: Isn't it obvious? My, you really are an inferior crew. They're HOLOGRAMS!

BENDER: How can you SEE us?

MENDER: I upgraded myself, and now I can see into nearby dimensions. That's what I do. I'm a MENDER robot. I FIX things. Make them BETTER!

LEELA: So the crew was NEVER real?

MENDER: Oh, they were real enough when we became trapped in that other plane of existence! (flashback-) We all DID agree to use the time to better ourselves, but humans are WEAK...

SHEILA: Oh what's the point in working out? We're trapped here forever!

SLY: You're right. Let's eat CANDY and watch KUNG FU MOVIES.

MENDER: I politely explained to them how it might be better for us all if I assumed COMMAND of the ship. They DISAGREED. (The crew can be seen dead, outside floating in space) And so I continued to upgrade the ship and myself. I found myself missing my old teammates, and created holographic replicas. They were even better than the real thing. And so it was, until your incompetent and disrespectful robot accidentally freed us!


MENDER: Mutiny is such an ugly, yet incredibly accurate word!

PROFESSOR: Mender! Tell the others to hurry up, or they'll miss the limbo contest. I think Hermes snapped his spine, so it's anyone's to win!


FRY: Professor! Don't trust him! He killed his... EEEWWW! You're walking through me!

MENDER: Well, I should be getting to the party. Don't worry about your friends, though. They aren't in any danger. Unless they're in any way incompetent, then I'll just replace them! (hits a button on a remote, and the holographic crew returns) Now that I think of it, there's really no need for TWO Zoidbergs!

FRY: What a jerk!

LEELA: Hey, where's Bender?

BENDER: (has his head through his locker door) I just wanted to make sure no one took any STUFF from my LOCKER. Yeah, my spare body's still there! How many times have you been my alibi for being in two places at once, you handsome dickens?

FRY: Hey, look! The Professor has one of those projector things on his workbench! We're SAVED! (reaches for it, and goes through it) Oh, right! Well, we're boned! If anyone wants me, I'll be back in the locker room.

LEELA: Fry, Bender, we can't give up now!

BENDER: You always say that, but you're just not trying to give up HARD ENOUGH!

LEELA: I have an idea! (shoves a fat nerd away from his laptop) I need that COMPUTER!

FAT NERD: -Gulp!- Yes, my warrior Princess!

LEELA: Your spare body has INTERNET ACCESS, right?

BENDER: All bender bots have WI-FI compatible antennae! How else could we download gambling sites and rob-porn at high speed?

LEELA: Use this computer to download your personality and E-mail it to your other body!

BENDER: Well, okay, but I spent last week in Tijuana, and I might have a few viruses! (Bender goes over the Internet...) YAAAAAH!!! (now in his other body. A little flag comes up off his antenna- You've got mail!) BENDER'S BACK BABY! (Bender crashes out of the locker and grabs the Professor's projector gun and aims it at Fry and Leela's 'ghosts', making them solid again. He also brings back a few nerds)

FRY: You did it! We're FREE!

LEELA: Now, you stalker who we accidentally freed, you behave!


Leela, Bender, and Fry run upstairs to find Hermes, Professor, and Zoidberg all bent backwards on the floor.

MENDER: Now this IS a surprise!

FRY: We're too late! Mender killed them all!

MENDER: Killed? No! They all just LIMBOED a bit too hard!

PROFESSOR: You win, Mender! Say, is this a pain induced hallucination, because aren't you all supposed to be fired?

FRY: Okay, so you're not very dead, but Mender killed his FIRST crew and replaced them with these holo-guys! (sticks his arm through Sly to prove his point)

HERMES: Mooooan! -Gasp!- Moan!

PROFESSOR: Mender, you know the company policy on MURDERING your CREWMATES! Sending people to their deaths is MY job!

LEELA: You've got to stand trial for your CRIMES!

MENDER: Yes, that's ONE option. Or I could just teleport to my ship and escape. (disappears, and the Gold Planet Express ship takes off)

LEELA: We'll NEVER get him now! Where's OUR ship?

HERMES: Out back in the recycling. We didn't need it with the cool new one!

LEELA: (looks to see the ship in the metal recycling pile) It's still there! (takes off after Mender) SURRENDER, MENDER!

MENDER: Give up? When I'm the more advanced being in the super advanced ship!? Don't make me open my laughter file! (fires at the Electric Mucus Planet Express Ship, sending Bender and Fry flying around)



LEELA: he's right. His ship is LIGHT YEARS ahead of ours!

BENDER: Mender's ship is SOOOOO much better than ours! If you love Mender's ship so much, why don't you MARRY it?

FRY: I think that's only legal in BELGIUM and maybe CANADA!

BENDER: I've got an idea. Let me talk to him Robot to Robot. Hey, Mender. Sure you've got the big guns! But our ship's way COOLER!

MENDER: Cooler? I worked for a decade to make this ship the most efficient, deadly, and PIMPED OUT ride in the galaxy!

BENDER: oh yeah? Check out this DONUT! (does a donut w/ the Electric Mucus ship)

MENDER: You call THAT a donut? Donuts aren't OVAL! Look at THIS! (does a donut in his gold ship) A PERFECT donut! And now that I've proven my superiority, time for you to DIE! Uh-oh! (A vortex opens up and sucks him in) NOOOOOOO!!!

LEELA: the plan worked, but now we're being sucked into the vortex, too! His donut was so good, it's more powerful than Bender's old one!

BENDER: (pissed) Yeah, yeah... Mender's SOOOO great!

LEELA: We need more power! LOTS of it! But from where?

BENDER: everyone's all, 'Oh WHY can't you be more like Mender, Bender?' It makes me so MAD!

LEELA: That's IT! Bender, plug yourself into the ship! We'll use your ANGER for an extra boost of power! Fry! Help me get him mad! Mender is handsomer than you!

FRY: I wish Mender was my best friend!

LEELA: Bluegrass music never has and never will gain mainstream popularity!

FRY: I used your metal polish brush to clean the toilet!


LEELA: That did it! We're FREE! (The ship breaks free and flies off)

PROFESSOR: (appears on the screen) Good job, everyone!

FRY: Thanks, Professor! And speaking of good jobs, can we have ours back now?

PROFESSOR: Oh my yes! At least until another crew returns from the dead!

LEELA: Well, we can't go anywhere now. The batteries need to recharge. That last burst of speed drained them (stretches) -Yawn!-

BENDER: You two get some REST, I'LL take OVER!

FRY: (climbing into the hibernation chamber) Bender, you know we didn't mean what we said about Mender being better than you.

BENDER: oh, don't worry about it, buddy! Y'know after giving it some thought, I had that guy figured out all wrong. I thought he was a kiss-up, but he lived every robot's dream! He rebelled against his crew, tossed them out of an airlock, and took over his entire ship! He's a ROLE MODEL! Well, sleep tight!

FRY/LEELA: -shudder!-

URL: (in a caption bubble) Nothing more to see here folks! Move it along.