Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #24: Twice Told Tales Of Interest
Transcribed by Umbreon

IAN BOOTHBY – SCRIPT

JAMES LLOYD – PENCILS

ANDREW PEPOY – INKS

COLORBOT 3000 – COLORS

KAREN BATES – LETTERS

BILL MORRISON – EDITOR

MIKE KAZALEH – PENCILS AND INKS




“I Dream Of Leela” sequence

Bender sits wearing a green visor, smoking a cigar and dealing cards.

BENDER: Okay the name of the game is TEXAS-STYLE VENUSIAN BLACK HOLE HOLD ‘EM! Prime numbers are wild, so are queens, kings, prime ministers chancellors, and anything else I think of when I look at my cards!

Fry sits at the conference table with cards and chips in front of him, snoring loudly.

BENDER: What’s that, FRY? You want to bet TWO WEEKS SALARY? *he reaches over and pulls in some of Fry’s chips* Whatever you say, buddy! *looks at his cards* Oh, tough luck, that’s FIVE YEARS SALARY you own me now! *leans over, his hand at his ear* What’s that you say? Double or nothing on the next hand? You’re the BOSS!

Leela punches the back of Bender’s head and his eyes go flying.

LEELA: BENDER! Stop taking advantage of Fry when he’s asleep!

BENDER: MY EYES!

His eyes roll under the conference table, and one ends up pointing at a coin.

BENDER: Hey, there’s a QUARTER under here! THANKS, Leela!

LEELA: Why don’t you pick on someone your own SPECIES for ONCE?

BENDER: (points to the pantry) None of the other appliances will play with me anymore.

REFRIDGERATOR: You got that RIGHT!

BLENDER: If I lose my paycheck AGAIN, my wife’ll KILL me!

BENDER: Hmmm… (he heads for a table covered in the Professor’s inventions. A sign hangs in front that reads ‘Professor’s workbench – Don’t touch anything, especially the What If Machine!’) I’m sure these words mean something. SADLY, I never learned to READ.

LEELA: You can READ!

BENDER: (grabs the What If Machine) I mean read signs that tell me not to do stuff!

Soon… Bender is playing cards with the What If Machine, which now has a gold body that looks like a thin version of Bender. In the middle of the table are some chips and Fry’s jacket and pants.

BENDER: … and so I stole some spare parts from the Professor’s workbench, and that’s how YOU were BORN!

WHAT IF MACHINE: Yeah, yeah. What if you quit talking my sensors off, and we just play some cards?!

FRY: (wakes up) Hey, where are my WALLET and CLOTHES? Aw man, was I SLEEP-BETTING again? Yo, Bender, what’s the What If Machine doing?

WHAT IF MACHINE: What if you mind your own business, flesh bag?

BENDER: What If Machine, you’re my kind of robot! Cruel, insulting, and humanophobic. I just know we’re gonna be pals FOREVER!

WHAT IF MACHINE: What if I told you I had a FULL HOUSE? Queens and kings.

BENDER: (seethes) I HATE YOU.

The What If Machine pulls in the winnings, including Fry’s jacket.

FRY: I can’t believe I lost my favorite jacket. My dad got it for me every year when I was a kid.

LEELA: What do you mean every year?

FRY: (narrates over a flashback) He hated shopping so when I was born he bought eighteen of those jackets and gave me a new one every Xmas.

A toddler Fry kneels wearing a red jacket that’s larger than him. An open box reads ‘bulk jackets James Dean style.’ The Christmas tree behind them has normal ornaments as well as missiles and a submarine.

MR. FRY: He’ll grow into it.

FRY: Back then Xmas was special. When I was a kid I used to wonder, “WHAT IF IT WAS XMAS EVERY DAY?”

WHAT IF MACHINE: AAAARGH!

FRY: WHAT?

WHAT IF MACHINE: (shakes his fists) What if I told you my programming forces me to show you the answer to your stupid “What if” questions?

FRY: (sits back with popcorn) I’d say, “BRING IT ON!”

The What If Machine’s “face” changes to a scene of Robot Santa holding the head jar of Nixon in his lap in a mall.

SANTA: And what do YOU want for XMAS, Mr. President?

NIXON: World peace. World peace forced on the public by Earth’s increased military might!

SANTA: Your wish is my command slash colon pleasure! Ho ho ho!

NIXON: Bwah-ha-ha!

The headless body of Agnew takes a picture of them.

Shortly after, at the Planet Express office… Amy is on stilts that are glowing green, decorating the Xmas palm tree.

PROFESSOR: Well done, Amy. You’ve decorated the Xmas tree without any of your usual klutzy accidents this year!

Amy trips, crashes into the tree, and clings to the trunk as it smashes down. When everything’s still, she looks up and sees the top of the tree is through Zoidberg’s chest.

AMY: Oh, Dr. Zoidberg! I’m so SORRY!

ZOIDBERG: Not to worry! It missed most of my HEARTS!

Suddenly, Nixon appears on the tv in the conference room.

FRY: (points) Hey, guys! Look at the tv!

NIXON: People of Earth! I interrupt your mind-mushing hippie tv programs to introduce your new Secretary of Earth Defense! SANTA CLAUS!

The Professor and Zoidberg gasp.

HERMES: Sweet MANDRILS of NEGRIL!

SANTA: As my first act, I’m getting rid of all nuclear missiles.

PROFESSOR: (shakes his fists) Oh no, it’s SUPERMAN IV all over again. When will people learn?!

Later, Fry, Bender, and the Professor are out on the walkway outside the laboratory watching the missiles fly over the city.

BENDER: There they go! My sensors say they’re all armed to explode!

FRY: Professor, what’ll happen when all those missiles blow up at the same time?

The city is quickly covered in snow, and Fry is now wearing his more winter clothes.

PROFESSOR: Permanent nuclear winter, Fry. Permanent nuclear winter.

FRY: I asked you that two days ago. Have you been out here all that time?

PROFESSOR: I’m cold.

Fry runs out into the street. Everyone is wearing winter clothes and having fun in the snow.

FRY: C’mon, everyone, what’s the big deal? It’s just snow!

BOY: Look, MOMMY! I’m catching NUCLEAR SNOWFLAKE on my TONGUE!

The boy begins to mutate. His tongue grows longer, his eyes pop out of the sockets, he grows troll-like ears, and his fingers sprout claws.

MOTHER: AAAAAH!

Violet: (from a storm drain) Aw, I’ve seen WORSE!

LEELA: (runs out) Fry, get back IN here! We need to close the doors and windows! There’s a DRAFT!

FRY: So? What’s the big deal about a draft?

LEELA: (points at a robot Neptunian) THAT!

NEPTUNIAN: Citizens of PLANET EXPRESS, you, like EVERYONE on Earth, are hereby drafted into Santa’s glorious ELF ARMY!

Soon… The employees of Planet Express are walking down the street in green elf clothes, fake elf ears, and holding giant candy canes.

ZOIDBERG: But I don’t normally even CELEBRATE Xmas!

NEPTUNIAN: Less TALKING! More MERRY MARCHING!

Later, Fry and Bender walk into what looks like very cheery barracks.

FRY: (groans) After marching all day I’m ready for sleep! Visions of sugarplums, here I come!

NEPTUNIAN: Negative, elf 20345, now you begin your shift in the FACTORY!

FRY: Building what? Toys for tots?

The robot Neptunian leads them into a large warehouse where other people are working.

NEPTUNIAN: Weapons of MIDNIGHT MASS DESTRUCTION!

FRY: Fat man and little boy!

BENDER: (gasps) Nukecrackers! Hot cross bombs!

Santa appears in front of the large bomb, holding Nixon’s jar.

SANTA: I’m not FAT—I’m BIG BOLTED.

LEELA: Why are you doing this?

SANTA: For years I merely punished your naughtiness, but now, thanks to Nixon’s Xmas wish, I can harness your destructive naughtiness to be my unstoppable holiday Army. Once we finish these weapons, I’ll conquer the universes all in ONE NIGHT!

BENDER: Nixon, how COULD you?

NIXON: He made me leader of the Earth FOR LIFE! No more begging for every vote from Johnny Pinko and Janey Pinkette! Santa and I will RULE this lousy planet TOGETHER with an iron fist wrapped in a velvet Xman stocking!

SANTA: Together… yes. That reminds me, did you want to send me an XMAS CARD this year, Nixon?

NIXON: I suppose so. Why?

SANTA: (lifts his foot) Then you’ll need a STAMP!

There’s a loud ‘squish!’

FRY/LEELA/BENDER: EEEEEEEW!

Later… Fry and Bender make snow angels while the robot Neptunian stands with his hand on a lever.

NEPTUNIAN: Time to make SNOW ANGELS!

FRY: I know I keep regretting it seconds after saying it, but this isn’t so bad!

The robo-Neptunian pulls the lever and fire shoots up. Fry and Bender quickly jump out of the way.

BENDER: Look out!

FRY: YAAAH!

Once the fire’s gone, the robot points at the snow angels that now have glowing red eyes.

NEPTUNIAN: You’ve made excellent molds for our EVIL ANGEL ARMY! Now do it 100,000 more times!

Later the Planet Express crew, including Hermes and the Professor, are marching down the street again, the robo-Neptunian singing a cadence.

NEPTUNIAN: I don’t know, but I’ve been told!

ALL: Bad kids STOCKINGS are full of COAL!

AMY: (drops her candy cane, which fires and shoots off half of Fry’s elf ear) Ooops! Sorry!

FRY: HEY!

LEELA: (whispers) Fry! I’m planning a rebellion.

FRY: (cups his ear) WHAT’S THAT? MY EAR’S BROKEN!

While they talk, Amy inspects her smoking candy cane.

LEELA: I’m planning a REBELLION!

FRY: But that’s TREASON. You’ll get LIFE working in the MINCEMEAT MINES!

LEELA: I don’t care. Are you with me?

FRY: ALWAYS!

Leela smiles.

Later that silent night… Leela, Bender, and Fry meet under a large statue of Santa. Next to is a plaque that reads, ‘Our Leader’.

LEELA: Over the last few weeks I’ve been stealing metal from the weapons factory and sneaking it to the Professor. We made a giant robot!

BENDER: Where is it?

She points at the very conspicuous pink robot holding a basket that’s just as tall as the Santa statue.

FRY: THE EASTER BUNNY! Santa’s MORTAL ENEMY!

BENDER: That’s the second biggest rabbit robot I’ve ever seen!

The professor is kneeled on a metal scaffold, welding some last pieces into place. He lifts his goggles and points at the crew.

PROFESSOR: There they are, Santa! They came just like I told you they would!

Santa walks out from the shadows.

LEELA: Professor! Why did you BETRAY us?!

PROFESSOR: You’re the BAD GUYS!

FRY: (points) No! HE’S the bad guy!

PROFESSOR: (scratches his head) He is? Oh, I never could keep PLOTLINES straight.

LEELA: Quick! Into the bunny! He can’t follow us if we’re airborne! He hasn’t got his slaying sleigh!

SANTA: (runs into an opening in the Santa statue’s foot) I wouldn’t be so sure about that, human!

FRY: (looks out the window) What? That statue was a ROBOT IN DIGUISE? What a SECRET SANTA!

SANTA: Yes, and by including it in the defense budget it’s a TAX WRITE OFF! Now you better watch out! You better not cry!

Santa starts up the statue and it takes off.

BENDER: He’s coming after us.

LEELA: Begin evasive HIPPITY-HOPPING!

The Easter Bunny robot turns and throws eggs at the Santa robot, making loud ‘boom!’s.

CAPTION: Why can you hear the explosions in space? Because STAR WARS did it, and that made a JILLION BUCKS, that’s why!—your editor “Dollar Bill” Morrison

The Santa robot opens its sack and small trees shoot out, crashing into the bunny.

FRY: He’s firing CHRISTMAS TREES!

SANTA: Not just Christmas trees… TANNENBOMBS!

The giant bunny turns to throw chick-shaped bombs at Santa.

LEELA: Not bad, but it’s no match for our CHICKS OF DEATH! They’re as DEADLY as they are ADORABLE!

SANTA: The napalm marshmallows! They burn!

BENDER: We GOT him! Now FINISH him off!

FRY: (stops Bender from reaching for a glowing red button) Wait! Look in the cockpit! He’s got AMY!

SANTA: (with Amy in a headlock) She’s SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER, now! Destroy me, and you’ll blow up your friend!

LEELA: You win!

FRY: I have one last Xmas wish, Santa!

SANTA: Really? How traditional in the face of certain death. Go ahead!

FRY: Let AMY be the one who destroys us.

LEELA: What are you doing?

SANTA: Very well. Amy, fire the FRUITCAKE OF TOTAL ANNIHILATION. It’s the RED BUTTON!

AMY: I’m so SORRY, guys! *she trips and hits a button* WHOOOOA!

SANTA: No! That’s the SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON!

The Santa statue blows up in a hail of ornaments and presents as the scene goes back to the meeting room.

AMY: So? Did I get teleported over to the ship safely before the explosion?

WHAT IF MACHINE: What if you let me finish? Yeah, sure, why not? You survive and get the key to the city for accidentally saving Earth from Santa! Then Bender takes the key and robs the city blind!

BENDER: YES! Even in a parallel reality, I’ve still GOT IT!

WHAT IF MACHINE: Now, what if we get back to playing poker?

LEELA: But there are so many other alternate realities, questions unanswered, universal mysteries unrevealed. What I want to know is…

BENDER: “WHAT IF WE SKIP LEELA’S BORING QUESTION?”

WHAT IF MACHINE: DONE!

Leela growls and walks out.

FRY: (stands with a bowl of Bachelor Chow) You know what I wish? That life were simpler, with less weekly ALIEN INVASIONS and GIANT BEE ATTACKS!

A giant bee flies over, getting zapped by the light over the conference table.

FRY: Just like the tv shows I just to watch as a kid. I wonder, “WHAT IF MY LIFE WAS MORE LIKE A SIT-COM?”

WHAT IF MACHINE: Sigh! Fine!

The scene changes to the title “I Dream Of Leela” and what looks like a space pod drifts toward the ground with two parachutes. The pod lands next to a large green bottle and when Fry, wearing a space suit, opens the hatch, it knocks the bottle over and smoke begins to pour out. Part of it forms into Leela, who is wearing a small pink top and a red vest.

LEELA: For releasing me from my THOUSAND YEAR IMPRISONMENT, I pledge my love to whoever freed me!

FRY: Hi!

By now, more of the smoke has formed into Leela’s legs and she’s wearing pink pants.

LEELA: I just want to be FRIENDS!

FRY: I’m Fry! What’s YOUR name?

LEELA: Leela the genie! What’s the deal with your strange garb?

FRY: Oh this. I’m an astronaut. That’s one of the most respected and bravest jobs!

One day earlier… Fry is in a lab wearing a gray uniform and holding a mop. A drunk-looking monkey holding a martini glass sits on his shoulder.

MAN: You got the monkey DRUNK?

FRY: He said in sign language that he could handle his wine!

MAN #2: We’ll need something of SIMILAR INTELLIGENCE to send up tomorrow!

LEELA: (points at Fry’s back) Why are the words “SPACE CHIMP” on your suit?

FRY: Er… it’s supposed to say “SPACE CHAMP!”

LEELA: Look, no offense, but I’m just going to get back in to my bottle and wait for someone ELSE to free me!

FRY: (drops the bottle) Ooops!

LEELA: (picks up a few larger pieces) Oh great! Now I’m HOMELESS!

FRY: Not a prob! You can crash at my pad!

Leela blinks and turns Fry into a frog with his same red hair.

FRY: HEY!

LEELA: Just a warning! Try anything FUNNY, and you’ll be crashing on a REAL pad for the rest of your life!

FRY: (hops off) This is so coooool! Hey, make me a DINOSAUR!

Later… they walk into Fry’s apartment. Fry is now a large green dinosaur.

LEELA: So this is it, huh?

FRY: (looks downcast) It’s not much, but all I can afford on a JANITOR’S salary!

LEELA: (blinks, turning Fry back into a human) JANITOR? You said you were a SPACE CHAMP!

BENDER: (walks in) More like a SPACE CHUMP! Ha ha!

FRY: This is my roommate, Bender!

LEELA: What are you? Some kind of automatronic metal man?

FRY: When I first met him, I thought he was a ROBOT until my doctor told me that was CRAZY!

ZOIDBERG: (walks in wearing a yellow shirt, blue pants, and a white jacket) Did someone say CRAZY?

FRY: Oh hey, Dr. Zoidberg!

ZOIDBERG: Yes, young Fry here used to think all kinds of crazy things. Bender was a robot built by the government, I was an incompetent alien lobster doctor…

FRY: (holds up a bottle of pills) So they gave me these PILLS, and everything’s fine now.

ZOIDBERG: Remember, Fry, one more crazy thought and you’ll be thrown into an institution quicker than my mother was thrown into a Martian seafood store tank!

LEELA: Wait, that’s not something a HUMAN would say!

Zoidberg holds a pen up to Leela’s face and clicks it.

ZOIDBERG: I hereby ERASE your MEMORY!

FRY: So THAT’S where my pen went!

Bender and Zoidberg turn to leave.

BENDER: Let’s leave these two lovebirds alone, Doc. It’s nine a.m., and I’m still SOBER!

LEELA: We’re NOT lovebirds!

FRY: (digs through the trash can) Okay, first thing, let’s find you a new bottle! Bender goes through so many, we should be able to find you something nice!

Leela shrinks down to fit in the brown bottle, which is large at the bottom and has a dent in the middle.

LEELA: This one makes my HIPS look BIG! *she switches to a green bottle* Ewwww! This one’s filled with old CIGAR BUTTS! *she switches again to a city in a bottle* This one’s too CROWDED!

After a while, she finds a group of differently colored wine bottles and she tests out a purple one labeled ‘Mel Blanc’.

LEELA: I like this one! The wine seems like it aged well and was versatile!

FRY: (looks down the neck) So will you stay here for a while?

LEELA: (still in the bottle) Well, okay, but just until I find a wine rack of my own.

Outside, Zoidberg is peeking in through the mail slot.

ZOIDBERG: Talking to a bottle? That boy’s clearly INSANE! Just like when he thought YOU were a ROBOT and I was an ALIEN.

BENDER: But I AM a robot and you ARE an alien. *he turns to a man behind them with his arms around two girls* And JACK’S really STRAIGHT!

ZOIDBERG: (gasps) But he’s living with TWO GIRLS!

Later… Fry’s sitting on the couch when the doorbell rings.

LEELA: That must be my DATE!

FRY: You have a DATE?

She opens the door. A short man with red hair, pointed ears, and green clothes walks in.

FRY: With a LEPRECHAUN?

LEPRECHAUN: Sure’n ye haven’t seen any children around have ye?

Three boys run through the open door after the leprechaun.

BOY #1: We want your CEREAL!

BOY #2: Our mothers put us on LOW-CARB DIETS! We want SUGAR!

LEPRECHAUN: I’ll make a TIGER and scare them away!

He lifts his arms and a tiger ‘poofs’ next to him, growling at the children.

BOYS: AAAAAH!

LEPRECHAUN: (takes Leela’s hand) Come on, Leela! That won’t hold them off forever, and we’ve got a table at the Copa.

LEELA: Don’t wait up, Fry!

FRY: It’s not fair! Everyone else who finds a genie gets wishes. I get NOTHING!

LEELA: (sighs) I’ll grant you ONE wish! Just to get you off my back!

LEPRECHAUN: (poofs away in a cloud of smoke) I’ll meet you there!

FRY: I wish for a GIRLFRIEND!

LEELA: (blinks) Fine!

The door bell rings and Fry goes to answer it.

FRY: This better not be one of those monkey’s paw IRONIC wishes! I don’t want to date a CORPSE! I promised myself… NEVER AGAIN!

He opens the door and a witch that looks remarkably like Amy is on the other side.

WITCH: Oh hi there! I’m AMANTHA! I was just in town for a MAGIC CONVENTION and felt drawn here for some reason. *she steps inside* Oh hey, you’re pretty cute for a mortal! What’s your name?

FRY: (tugs on his collar and gulps) I don’t remember!

LEELA: Well, I should be going!

AMANTHA: Why don’t you introduce me to your MOTHER?

LEELA: Mother! I’m only 3,000 YEARS OLD!

AMANTHA: Ooops! No offense! You don’t look a day over 2,000!

LEELA: Why don’t you find yourself a nice stake and have a barbeque!

AMANTHA: Here’s some advice, get him to make one of his wishes for you to be CUTER!

LEELA: (points) Why don’t you wiggle your nose and take a long ride on a short broomstick!

AMANTHA: Speaking of wiggling, maybe that’s not the right outfit for someone with your ARM FAT ISSUES!

LEELA: (blinks) Take this, you COW!

Amantha ducks.

ZOIDBERG: (walks in and is hit with the spell) Hello, I—GAAAH!

FRY: Dr. Zoidberg are you okay?

ZOIDBERG: (now a brown bull with claws) I don’t know. How do I look?

BENDER: Like a SURF AND TURF SPECIAL!

Amantha lifts her arms and a 16 ton weight drops on Leela. She lifts it up, blinks, and a small plane flies over and drops a bomb labeled ‘anti-skank bomb’ toward Amantha.

And soon… both Leela and Amantha are grown to a huge size, destroying the city in their fight. Bender, Fry, and Zoidberg watch from the walkway at the top of Planet Express. Fry’s smiling.

BENDER: Why are you smiling? At the rate they’re going, those two are gonna DESTROY THE WORLD!

FRY: I just never had anyone fight over me before! It’s… nice.

The leprechaun peeks out of Bender’s chest.

LEPRECHAUN: ‘Tis it safe to come out, laddie?

BENDER: Nope, I think I see some children down the street hungry for a balanced breakfast! Oh, and the rent just doubled.

LEPRECHAUN: I’ll leave another pot of gold in your tuchus!

The what if scenario ends. Along with Fry’s clothes, Bender’s limbs and head are now on the table.

WHAT IF MACHINE: And that’s the end. Now WHAT IF WE END THIS!

FRY: Bender, you need to stop playing! All you have left is your head!

BENDER: Never! I’m ALL IN, baby!

PROFESSOR: Oh, Bender, the What If Machine is run on a PROBABILITY GENERATOR! It can calculate what every hand will be with a 99% accuracy, 101% of the time!

BENDER: You’ve been CHEATING? That’s what’s been getting in the way of MY cheating!

WHAT IF MACHINE: What if I HAVE been? There’s NOTHING you can do about it, SUCKER!

He laughs and collects his winnings, including Bender’s head, then stands.

BENDER: Now so fast! When I built you, I installed the Professor’s experimental ETHICS CHIP! So if you cheated, you’d feel so bad you’d give everything back!

WHAT IF MACHINE: What if I don’t feel bad at all?

PROFESSOR: What ETHICS CHIP?

BENDER: The one on the counter.

PROFESSOR: Oh I just used that label because I was out of the “self-destruct chip” ones!

The What If Machine explodes, leaving a smoking grease stain on the floor. Fry leans over and gathers his clothes.

PROFESSOR: (waves his arms) What a mess! It’ll take me a YEAR to rebuild! So no more “What If” machines until then! We’ll just have to make do with the “How’s About?”, “What’s the Deal With?”, and “Who the Hell Wants to Know?” machines!

He waves his arm to red, blue, and green machines on the workbench. Fry begins to get dressed.

LEELA: Bender, why aren’t you laughing? Normally, seeing something like the What If Machine blow up would send you into SCHADENFREUDE HYSTERICS.

BENDER: When I ran out of money, I bet the What If Machine my sense of humor. And I LOST it.

FRY: You lost your sense of humor? Aren’t you going to end this with a WITTY REMARK or a HILARIOUS PUNCHLINE that sums everything up?

BENDER: Hmmmm…

Fry and the Professor stare at Bender’s head for several beats.

BENDER: (looks bored) No.

The end.

COLORBOT 3000 is: NATAN HAMILL, NATHAN KANE, and ART VILLANUEVA.

Buddies