BEETLE: (on monitor) Surrender your ship, or we’ll take you to our torture room where you’ll TWIST AND SHOUT for A HARD DAY’S NIGHT!
BENDER: Help! I need somebody!
FRY: Bender you can drive my cargo ship! We’ll take these bugs on a long winding road across the universe to an octopus’s garden in… um… Funkytown.
FRY: Just do it!
From outside, the Planet Express ship is being chased by what looks like an old fashioned yellow submarine.
FRY: Now, Bender! Maneuver number nine!
BENDER: Number nine? NUMBER NINE?!?
The ship flies in a loop, smashing down on top of the space-sub.
BENDER: Ha! Bang bang! Bender’s silver ass-kicking came down upon their heads!
FRY: Prepare to rescue Ed Sullivan!
BENDER: They’re breaking apart like Norwegian wood!
ED SULLIVAN: That was a really big show-down!
FRY: Okay, I got a good one! Their MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR turned into a TRAGICAL MISERY…
VOICE: Fry! Bender!
Leela stands at the door. What was the deck now looks like a broom closet.
LEELA: Stop wasting time in the HOLO-DECK!
FRY: It’s not wasting time! It’s where we use our imaginations to pretend so we don’t go space crazy from boredom!
BENDER: We were making believe we were fighting space insects!
Fry and Leela run onto the bridge.
LEELA: Well, we’re under attack by REAL space insects!
FRY: That’s great! We know just what to do! *runs up behind Bender* Get them onscreen, Bender!
BENDER: Aye aye! O, meatbag captain, my meatbag captain!
LEELA: (slightly annoyed) He’s NOT the captain!
BUG: (on screen) Greetingzzzzz! Surrender your cargo or be blown to bitzzzzz!
FRY: They’re not BEETLES, they’re FLIES!
BENDER: I’m afraid! I’m very afraid!
FRY: Why would FLIES attack us?
LEELA: Well, we are carrying 100 tons of manure to an agricultral planet.
BENDER: So that’s what stinks? I thought it was FRY!
FRY: Not a problem! Bender! Maneuver number nine!
BENDER: You got it!
LEELA: Wait, what’s maneuver number nine?
FRY: Watch and learn, Leela. Watch and learn!
The Planet Express ship is closely followed by a ship that looks exactly like a large fly. After a few seconds, Bender flies the ship into a wide loop, but misses the Fly ship and hits an asteroid. Everyone ends up on the floor.
LEELA: You idiots knocked the POOP out of our ship.
The PE ship flies away with a dented nose, the Fly ship close behind.
LEELA: You have the manure! Why are you still following us?
FRY: Yeah… shoo, flies, don’t bother us!
FLY: (on screen) You’ll be dead soon and we need fresh corpses for our maggotzzzz.
FLY: (on screen) What? It’s the circle of life!
BENDER: Well, we prefer the RECTANGLE of RUNNING AWAY!
FRY: Um… Leela, you’re headed the wrong way!
LEELA: We’re down to only one working thruster. We can’t escape by running, but I have an idea!
The ships collide, denting the Planet Express ship’s nose further and knocking the Fly ship into a glowing yellow net.
FRY: Good work! You knocked them right into that THOLIAN WEB!
LEELA: That wrecked our last thruster and we’re headed for that CLASS M planet!
FRY: Class M? That’s the kind with AIR and MAPLE SYRUP! That’s good, right?
LEELA: Yes, except that we’re burning up in the atmosphere!
The inside of the ship begins to heat up, making the bridge glow orange while Fry and Leela sweat.
LEELA: We need to cool this ship down and fast!
FRY: I’ll open all of Bender’s portable beer fridges!
Minutes later, Fry and brought in and opened several different colored mini fridges.
LEELA: I don’t believe it, but it seems to be working!
BENDER: (holds up a can) But now my beer will get all warm! It’ll be like living in England! *he shudders*
LEELA: BRACE for IMPACT!
The ship splashes into a lake. A man and fembot stand nearby in a garden, both holding hoes.
MAN: Aaaah! The steam, it doth burn!
FEMBOT: Yet, it also is doing wonders for thy pores!
Fry, Leela, and Bender walk out of the lake, the ship sinking further under the water.
FRY: Where are we?
MAN: Where be ye? Why ‘tis BOTTINGHAM, gentle traveller!
FEMBOT: Mayhap you’d like to sup with us this eve?
FRY: (starts having a mild freak out) Oh no! Oh no!
LEELA: What’s wrong, Fry? They’re just farmers!
FRY: (calms) Oh, thank God! I thought we’d crash landed in the middle of a RENAISSANCE FAIRE!
BENDER: This SUPPING you speak of, is there booze involved?
MAN: Only MEAD, both REGUALR and FORTIFIED with MOTOR OIL.
BENDER: Then call me SUPPER-MAN!
Later the crew is sitting at a table with the farmers, a pig with metal plating in the middle on a large platter.
MAN: Dig in! Your CY-BOAR is getting cold!
FRY: (holds up his plate) More white meat please!
BENDER: Save me the motherboard!
There’s a knock at the door and the farmer gets up and answers it. On the other side is an Amphibian wearing a red shirt and black pants with a burlap sack.
AMPHIBIAN: TAX MAN!
FRY: TAX MAN! THAT was the other song I was trying to think of in the holo-deck!
MAN: Prithee, good sir, we paid our taxes in full, earlier this year!
AMPHIBIAN: Yes, but the sheriff has declared a PENALTY on EARLY PAYMENTS.
MAN: But I have no more money!
AMPHIBIAN: Then I’ll take your home, food, and you’ll be beaten within an inch of your life by the CAT-O’-NINE-TAILS! Get him, Roy!
A tall cat alien wearing a brown tunic and a black vest with nine tails walks into the house.
ROY: I’m on it!
Leela gets between them and holds Roy back.
LEELA: Hey! Leave him and our dinner alone!
ROY: Or you’ll do what, peasant scum?
Leela jumps up and kicks Roy in the face.
BENDER: Ha! It’s puss in boot to the head!
The amphibian and Roy flee.
AMPHIBIAN: You’ll pay for this! We’re telling!
Roy hisses loudly.
FEMBOT: What have you done? Now we’ll be thrown in the dungeon!
MAN: Wait, wife, remember the PROPHECY! *he reads from a wooden board* “So it is written that three shall come from the stars and save us all from tyranny and injustice!”
BENDER: This is a sign saying to slow down your horse drawn carriage in a school zone!
MAN: (tosses the board over his shoulder) Oh, so Mr. Big Shot can read! Way to wreck a good prophecy!
FEMBOT: This DOES explain all those trampled school children.
Later Leela, Fry, and Bender walk down a path in the forest.
FRY: I’m still HUNGRY!
LEELA: You two gather some food. I’ll try and get our ship out of the bog so we can get out of here!
FRY: You know, it’s actually kinda nice here. Reminds me of CENTRAL PARK but without all the PICKPOCKETS.
BENDER: (picks Fry’s pocket) Huh? What? Oh yeah, whatever you say, pal! *holds up Fry’s wallet and sighs* Pickpocketing you is no challenge! Like this baby I took candy from! *pulls a baby out of his chest* FUN, but no CHALLENGE.
BENDER: (passes the child to Fry) Hold this, will ya? I need to find someone good to rob. THAT’LL cheer me up!
The baby wails loudly.
Soon… Bender is hiding in some bushes by the side of a road. A peasant walks by with buckets of water and Bender reaches into his pocket.
He moves to a tree and reaches into the pocket of a robot farmer who is gathering apples.
He reaches over a small wall into the pocket of a pink alien rancher who is branding buggalo.
BENDER: 0101! Doesn’t ANYONE on this planet have anything but LINT in their pockets?
ALIEN: We’re over-taxed peasants! What dost thou expect?
Suddenly, a well-dressed robot on a robo-horse rides past, holding a large bag with a money sign on it.
ROBOT: Hi-ho, Moneybags! Away!
BENDER: (his eyes extend) Who was THAT?
ALIEN: Our evil overlord, THE SHERIFF OF BOTTINGHAM. Good King Richard left him in charge, but he was unaware what a greedy violent dictator he would become. *holds up a magazine* He made the cover of TYRANT MAGAZINE five times this year!
BENDER: If only there were some way to catch up with him…!
ALIEN: There’s always the short cut!
The alien points. Not far away is a sign that reads ‘Worm hole short cut to palace’. It’s pointed at a purple wavy distortion hanging in mid-air.
One wormhole short cut later… Bender sits in the bushes outside the palace.
BENDER: A-ha! My quarry approaches. This demands skill and subtlety. *he jumps out of the bushes* OOGA BOOGA!
The sheriff screams, falls off his horse, and drops his bag of money. Bender picks the bag up and runs.
BENDER: Ha ha! SO LONG, SUCKER!
The sheriff moans and holds his head. While running away, Bender trips on a rock, yelps, and drops the sack of money over the edge of a hill.
ROBOT: Our tax money!
FARMER: Returned to us!
SECOND ROBOT: And that robot is the cause!
ROBOT: All hail our robot savior!
The group cheers.
The next morning… Fry is asleep on the floor.
BENDER: Fry! Wake up!
FRY: (drowzy) Man, I had this dream there were all these bees dancing on my head.
Bender is dressed in a green Robin Hood type of outfit, his hand replaced with an electric razor.
BENDER: That would’ve been the razor!
Fry sits up. His clothes have been swapped for a brown robe and the top of his head has been shaved.
FRY: My HAIR! My CLOTHES!
BENDER: I’ve got a hero thing going on here, and I need some sidekicks to boss around! You’re now FRIAR FRY!
FRY: My hair was my favorite disposable body part! I don’t want anything to do with this!
BENDER: (opens his chest cabinet) I stole this food to fatten you up!
FRY: Count me in!
Later… Leela is standing at the edge of the bog next to a small green alien that has a walking stick. Bender and Fry are behind her and Fry is eating pork leg.
BENDER: Oh, c’mon! Why won’t you be LITTLE LEELA… the muscle of my group!
LEELA: First, Little Leela sounds like a comic book character from the 1950’s! Second, I’m trying to get our ship raised out of the bog, and the guy I hired is taking forever!
ALIEN: (holding out his hand) Patience you must have.
LEELA: Patience? Easy for YOU to say. You charge by THE HOUR. What are you using? THE FORCE?!
ALIEN: Yes, the force of a remote-controlled magnet! *the ship clangs onto a large magnet that’s hanging from a tow truck* $200 that shall be!
LEELA: (sighs) My credit card should have enough on it!
ALIEN: ACCEPT or DECLINE! There is no SHOULD!
Later… Fry and Bender stand by as Leela looks into an open panel on the underside of the ship.
LEELA: This is going to need a lot of new parts to repair! And I’m out of money!
BENDER: You know who’ll have parts and money? Rich folks! But if you’re not interested in robbing people then…
LEELA: Fine, I’m in!
Later on Bender, Leela, Fry, and Zoidberg are walking in a line through the woods. Leela has changed to a pink and purple version of Bender’s Robin Hood clothes, while Zoidberg is in blue.
ZOIDBERG: (singing) So Bender’s on his merry way. To rob the rich this very day! With his merry men by his side, Fry’s butt is getting very wide!
FRY: (eating from a bucket of chicken) Zoidberg? How did YOU get here?
ZOIDBERG: I heard there was free food!
Later… the group is hiding behind a bush, spying on Richie Rich’s family.
BENDER: Forsooth! Observe yonder Rich family! Fry, load my arrow!
Fry runs up, a quiver in one hand and a chicken leg in the other.
FRY: (gasps and wheezes) Sorry, it’s hard to keep up!
BENDER: Observe a skilled marksman at work! I’ll hit their moneybag without harming them in any way!
His bow ‘twang’s and there is a loud ‘quack’.
LEELA: You hit a duck!
The group walks away, Bender holding a large sack.
BENDER: Oh well, at least he was a RICH DUCK!
FRY: That really felt wrong!
The duck Bender hit is still on the floor with the arrow in its back and Xs for eyes. He’s got small spectacles, a red vest, and a black top hat. Three small ducks wearing green, red, and yellow caps stand by. The one in red is crying.
BENDER: (walks up to a group of farmers) Poverty ridden peasants! I, ROBOT ROBIN HOOD, come to BUY YOUR LOVE!
GROUP: Hooray for ROBOT ROBIN HOOD!
Bender takes a coin from the sack and hands it to a human.
BENDER: Here you go!
MAN: That’s it?
BENDER: Well yeah. That’s what’s left after expenses. I got a lot of overhead. Shipping, handling. That kinda thing.
Three differently colored and upset looking robots begin to follow Bender down the forest path.
ROBOT: We would like to join your merry band of outlaws!
BENDER: Hmmm… you don’t seem very merry. *holds out some chips* Here are a few “merry” chips left over from the last rave I went to. Install these, and you’re in.
Later on, the three robots are smiling and laughing.
FRY: These guys are creeping me out. They laugh at everything. Even the last few seasons of “SAVED BY THE BELL.”
LEELA: This is getting us nowhere fast! I need those ship parts, and I need them NOW!
ORANGE ROBOT: If it’s… ha ha… ship parts you… ho ho… want, the sheriff has the best stocked… hee hee.. garage in Bottingham!
LEELA: Okay, then tonight we rob the sheriff!
ZOIDBERG: (singing) Oh, Bender’s going to rob the sheriff. It’s a stealth mission so keep it quiet! Rhyming’s harder than it seems…
BENDER: Geez… shut up, will ya?
FRY: (holds his gut) Can I sit this one out? I don’t feel too good. I think I drank some bad lard!
BENDER: No, we need everyone.
Later that night… Bender, Leela, Fry, Zoidberg, and the happy robots are spying on a small shack outside the castle walls.
BENDER: Every night at this time, the sheriff and his guards walk his virtual video game dog!
LEELA: How did you know that?
BENDER: I read his blog.
The sheriff, the Amphibian, and Roy the cat come down the path with a portable game system on a leash.
BENDER: There he goes. Now remember the three “S”es of robbing a guy. Stealth, silence, and something else I can’t remember!
SHERIFF: (stands by a bush) That’s a good puppy! Download your business!
While the sheriff is out, the crew raids his garage.
LEELA: I have the parts I need!
BENDER: I found his safe!
FRY: (covers his mouth) I think I’m gonna be… be…
He vomits in a plant while Bender pulls a chest out of the safe.
ZOIDBERG: (singing) Fry is puking in a bush. All I see is his enormous tush!
BENDER: (shakes his fist at Zoidberg) Quiet or I’ll pound ya! We gotta get outta here!
ZOIDBERG: (singing) Bender’s telling me to shush! Or he’ll punch me in the mush! *speaking* Hey, the rhyming’s getting easier!
AMPHIBIAN: Did you hear that?
SHERIFF: Someone’s breaking into my castle? I’ll have them drawn, quartered, reassembled, then hanged! *tugs the leash, making his pet yelp*
They run into the garage, but it’s empty.
ROY: We must have just missed them, sire!
SHERIFF: (sees the puke covered bush) NOOOOOOO! My prize buckaroo bonsai bush! What have they done to you? Who would have the arrogance?
AMPHIBIAN: (holds up Bender’s bow) They left a bow behind, sire!
SHERIFF: Our thief must fancy himself an archer! Very well, we’ll hold a tournament to find the greatest archer in all of Bottingham! Our egotistical friend will have to show up! And once he does, I’ll have my revenge!
Meanwhile… Bender runs down the trail carrying the chest, Leela has her arms full of ship parts, and Fry trails behind the two of them.
FRY: Gak! I need to stop again!
BENDER: Fry, you know the rule! Only three heart attack stops are allowed for each heist!
Bender makes a ringing sound and the little red flag on his antenna goes up.
ANTENNA: You’ve got mail!
BENDER: Someone’s sending me a bulk e-mail!
ZOIDBERG: That reminds me, some Nigerian diplomats owe me a few million dollars.
BENDER: I’ll print it out! *a piece of paper buzzes out between his teeth* Hey, it’s an ARCHERY TOURNAMENT! First prize is a trophy plus accommodations for life in the palace basement! Count me in!
LEELA: Oh please, that couldn’t sound more like a TRAP if they were holding it over an actual GIANT MOUSE TRAP! I’m fixing the ship, and we’re heading HOME!
FRY: Yeah, this was fun, but all the heart attacks and strokes are starting to get to me! Plus Leela won’t go out with me because I’m too fat!
LEELA: (rolls her eye) Yeah, THAT’S the reason.
BENDER: C’mon, skin tubes! We can’t pass up a chance to rob that sheriff one more time before we go! Besides, I have a SURE-FIRE PLAN!
The next day… a large crowd is standing around an archery field that’s been set up in front of the palace, while the sheriff and his guards are in an announcer booth. A line of archers stand before their targets.
AMPHIBIAN: Welcome, one and all, to the first annual Bottingham archery tournament, sponsored by our benevolent leader, the sheriff of Bottingham! Will the archers please find their targets and fire at will!
The archers, one of which is wearing a large cloak, ready their bows and fire.
AMPHIBIAN: Three bullseyes! Would Zartok, Archerybot 2000, and Mister E. Stranger, please fire again. The rest of you losing archers please consider your taxes DOUBLED.
The three remaining archers draw and fire. Only two hit the bullseye.
AMPHIBIAN: Archerybot 2000 and Mister E. Stranger advance to THE FINALS.
ARCHERYBOT: (draws) You may as well give up now, loser!
STRANGER: Thanks for the advice.
AMPHIBIAN: Archerybot 2000 shoots first!
The string ‘twang’s when the robot fires and the arrow hits dead center.
AMPHIBIAN: Our sensors say that’s a perfect bullseye! Well, that ends the contest. There’s no way to beat…
The stranger shoots and there is a huge explosion.
AMPHIBIAN: He split the center atom of the arrow! What a turn of events! MISTER E. STRANGER WINS! Not that anyone can hear me after that DEAFENING BLAST!
The sheriff turns to the trophy, but the small block it was on is empty.
BENDER: (holding the trophy) You fell for the oldest distraction in the world! An atomic bomb!
SHERIFF: YOU?! But then who is the cloaked archer?
ROBIN HOOD: (pulls his hood back, revealing the sides of a headjar) I’m Robin Hood! I heard about this ROBOT Robin Hood and decided to come and protect my copyright!
SHERIFF: Aren’t you in the public domain?
The sheriff walks down and pulls the hood further. Robin Hood’s jar is actually sitting on Fry’s shoulder.
SHERIFF: A-ha! It’s one of the Robot Robin Hood’s merry men! The FAT one!
FRY: That hurts!
SHERIFF: So will all the torture!
Roy and the Amphibian guard show up herding Bender, Leela, and Zoidberg with spears.
ROY: We caught the robot and found these two hiding nearby!
SHERIFF: EXCELLENT! Well, let’s not waste time! We’ve rented the park for the whole hour, so we might as well use it for a public execution.
Later on, Bender, Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg have ropes around their necks that are tied to a rocket. Robin Hood’s head-jar is also tied to the rocket. The Amphibian guard stands ready with a lit torch.
SHERIFF: Do you have any last words before we light the rocket and commence your space hanging?
BENDER: Yes, I’ve got a rough draft of some last words! But I’d like a little time to edit them. Say 100 years?
SHERIFF: Any NON-STUPID ones?
LEELA: I have some. Look behind you!
SHERIFF: (doesn’t move) Uh-huh. And what am I supposed to see?
A large orange robot stands behind the sheriff, wearing a crown and a penguin emblem on his chest.
ROBOT: KING RICHARD THE LINUX-HEARTED!
SHERIFF: (spins) But, sire! Why aren’t you off on your cosmic crusades bringing the good word of your operating system to the heathens!
RICHARD: My spyware detected your bulk e-mail, and I decided to see who you were setting a trap for!
BENDER: We were robbing from the rich in a fight for justice. While taking a little off the top for…
RICHARD: Shipping and expenses. Yes, I know how charites work!
Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg take their nooses off while the robots talk. Afterward, King Richard turns to the sheriff.
RICHARD: I TRUSTED you, and you corrupted every law and file I stand for!
SHERIFF: It’s not my fault! I’m just not compatible with your system!
RICHARD: Take him to a dungeon cell! One with no WINDOWS!
SHERIFF: (being drug away by Roy and the Amphibian) NOOOO!
RICHARD: (turns to the group) I apologize for the way you were treated. May I make it up to you with a feast in your honor?
FRY: Just a SALAD for me!
ZOIDBERG: A feast in our honor! I’ll write a song for the occasion!
Later, everyone is seated around a large circular table with a gap in the middle, leaving a place for the cook to stand while he roasts a cy-boar over a fire. Among the partiers are the farming man and his fembot wife, the merry robots, the little alien that lifted the ship out of the bog, Robin Hood’s head, Roy, the Amphibian, Fry, Leela, Bender, and King Richard.
LEELA: Mmmm… pass the cy-boar!
BENDER: (talks to an iron maiden) Hey, where have you been all my life?
IRON MAIDAN: I work in the castle torture room! I’m IRON MAID MARION!
Over the party, Zoidberg hangs bound and gagged from a tree. This lyre is tied with him.