SCENE: Planet Express Conference Room. Fry is a giraffe, Zoidberg is a hippopotamus, Amy is a cat, and Leela is an octopus.
FRY: Is it TALL in here, or is it just ME?
BENDER: Whoops! Sorry! I was cleaning my ANIMAL TRANSMOGRIFICATION ray gun, and it just went off! (Bender fires it again, returning everyone back to normal)
FRY: (motioning toward the table covered in guns) So what are you doing with all these GUNS. Bender? Pulling a HEIST?
BENDER: Naw, I'm trying to earn a degree in ALIEN FIREARM REPAIR!
FRY: You mean like in the ad that runs all day on channel 3092? (turns the TV on and to channel 3092)
MORBO: (on the TV) Why not earn a degree from home in the exciting fields of Alien firearm repair, Flux capacitor maintenance, Sandworm extermination, Monolith designer, Blade running, Horta Obedience training, Wormhole sanitation...
BENDER: Yeah, every day they send me a new alien gun to fix. (holds up a gun) Check it out! THIS one fires mini black holes that'll suck up anything!
ZOIDBERG: (coming out of the restroom) That's good because the toilet's backed up again!
BENDER: (firing the gun into the toilet) -grumble- When I get my DEGREE, I am so OUT OF HERE!
FRY: Leela's looking really down. Working on the ship USUALLY cheers her up.
AMY: She's just depressed because her biological clock is ticking.
FRY: Aw, that's silly. She's still young and... (a ticking can be heard) No, wait! I think I hear it! Is that actually coming from Leela?
AMY: (holding a large clock with flowers and a happy family on it) No. It's her REAL biological clock. Women in the future use it to find out how likely they are to fall in love and have a baby.
LEELA: -Sigh- As you get older it ticks louder and louder. Then, when you can't have a family anymore, it blows up.
FRY: You'll find the right guy, Leela. In fact, maybe the perfect man is standing right in front of you.
LEELA: (looks only to see Fry, The Professor drooling on himself, and Zoidberg eating out of the trash) -Sigh!-
THE NEXT NIGHT-
ROBOT ACCOUNTANT: Thank you for accepting my dinner invitation!
LEELA: Well... I've never had a COMPUTER DATE before but I thought, why not?
ROBOT ACCOUNTANT: I calculate an 85.6% chance of romance!
LEELA: So, what do you do for a living?
ROBOT ACCOUNTANT: I'm an accountant, but I'm thinking of branching out into Galactic Super Villainy! -GASP!-
LEELA: What? What's wrong?
ROBOT ACCOUNTANT: It's my WIFE!
ELZAR: Wham! Bam! We have a table for one, Ma'am!
LEELA: (storming into the Planet Express Lounge) That's IT! I'm DONE with dating! Maybe some people just aren't meant to fall in love and have a family. Like me, and EUNUCHS, and BABYLON 5 fans!
BENDER:(hands Leela a bottle) That's the spirit! Here's some alcohol to help that depression along!
LEELA: THANKS! What's THIS gun you're working on?
BENDER: It's a TIME RIFLE! It plucks objects from either the past or the future!
FRY: (comes in holding a mug) Hey, guys! I'm gonna make some hot chocolate. Want some? (Bender shoots the cup) Hey, it's already made! (Bender shoots the cup again) Aw! Someone drank it!
LEELA: (walking into the Professor's lab, whispering) Does it work on people?
BENDER: (whispers back) Only one reckless way to find out. (yells) Hey, Professor! (shoots the Professor) This should replace him with the Professor of fifty years ago.
FRY: He looks THE SAME.
BENDER: I guess there's not much difference between REALLY old and SUPER old.
PROFESSOR: Who ARE you people?
FRY: Sounds the same.
BENDER: Naw, this ain't senility. He's just never MET us.
PROFESSOR: Get out of my home before I call the police and hit you with my slipper!
BENDER: I'll change him back! (shoots the Professor again)
PROFESSOR: Bender! Fry! I don't pay you to stand around shooting me with ray guns! GET TO WORK!
FRY: You PAY us?
BENDER: Uh-oh, I musta squeezed too hard! The trigger's jammed. (throws the gun on the floor) It's gonna BLOW!
FRY: (grabs the Professor) EVERYONE TAKE COVER!
LEELA: Oh, no, our new intern RICK! We have to get to safety! (grabs Rick and throws him to safety)
RICK: Hey, hold it, daddy-o. What's the big idea?
LEELA: (gets hit by the gun blast) -UGH- The blast! (The smoke clears to reveal three other females) Who ARE you people? And why do you LOOK like ME?
TEEN LEELA: Look like YOU? I don't look AT ALL like you. You're WAY OLD!
LEELA: Now you just wait a minute! There's no need to be RUDE! You should respect your elders!
ELDERLY LEELA: You tell that young lady what's what!
LEELA: When I need your help I'll ask for it, Grandma!
BABY LEELA: WAAAAAH!
LEELA: And can whoever this baby belongs to keep her QUIET?
PROFESSOR: Oh my, this isn't good news. This isn't good news at all. Unless I'm mistaken, this is your PAST and FUTURE SELVES plucked from the very TIME STREAM itself!
LEELA: Say what?
PROFESSOR: This is you as a BABY.
BABY LEELA: WAAAAAH!
PROFESSOR: A TEENAGER.
TEEN LEELA: This is SOOOOO boring!
PROFESSOR: And AN OLD WOMAN.
ELDERLY LEELA: I'm going to knit you a nice tea cozy!
PROFESSOR: As soon as someone in THEIR OWN ERAS notices they're missing, space and time are in GREAT DANGER!
LEELA: I'm sure someone must have missed them already.
BENDER: What? An orphan, a nerdy teenage girl, and an old lady? Yeah, I'm sure they all get TONS of attention!
TEEN LEELA: (gushing, hearts popping up around her) Hi. What's YOUR name?
TEEN LEELA: You got a GIRLFRIEND, Fry?
LEELA: (slaps Fry) HEY! Knock it off!
FRY: OW! I didn't do anything!
PROFESSOR: I suppose it's up to ME to reverse the effects, save the universe, and clean up your mess! You know, I'm an old man and the stress of all these apocalypses is really starting to get to me. YOU'RE going to have to look after the other Leelas!
LEELA: Fine. How hard could THAT be?
ZOIDBERG: Did anyone notice that adorable one-eyed baby crawling through traffic?
THAT NIGHT AT LEELA'S APARTMENT...
Loud crying can be heard...
LEELA: (getting out of bed) All right! All right! I'll get you another bottle! (walks over to Elderly Leela) Instead of crying, why don't you just open the liquor cabinet and pour it yourself?
ELDERLY LEELA: I'm a veteran! I didn't fight in three interdimensional wars to come back and have to open my own booze!
MORE crying is heard...
LEELA: Argh! Now you woke up the baby! (goes and picks up Baby Leela) What do you want? Food? Are you gassy? Do you need changing? Are you worried about the current political climate? WHAT is it!?!? (Teen Leela sneaks in...) And YOU... do you know what time it is, young lady?
TEEN LEELA: Yeah. It's half past 'You're not my mom' and a quarter to 'You can't tell me what to do'!
LEELA: With an attitude like that, it's NO WONDER you never get adopted!
TEEN LEELA: -GASP!-
LEELA: WAIT! I didn't...
TEEN LEELA: -SOB!- (slams the door)
ELDERLY LEELA/TEEN LEELA/BABY LEELA: WAAAAAAH!!!
THE NEXT MORNING AT PLANET EXPRESS...
AMY: Hey, Leela! Cute NOSE RING!
LEELA: What? (Looks at her face in the mirror) This looks like the kind of ring Teenage Leela WANTED but I told her she couldn't get.
AMY: Oh man, at THAT age, anything my mom would tell me to do, I'd do THE OPPOSITE. I guess teenage Leela GOT one. So because you're her, but older, YOU have one too!
PROFESSOR: Oh my yes! Anything she does to HERSELF will affect YOU. I told you that, didn't I?
PROFESSOR: All this stress must be affecting my memory!
The other three Leelas come in...
LEELA: What are you doing here? I told you all to stay at home!
TEEN LEELA: Everything in your house is BORING! How did I grow up to be so dull?
ELDERLY LEELA: (feeling her face) I think my wedding ring must have gotten stuck in my nose! That reminds me of a long boring story.
BENDER: Hey, you're from the future, right?
ELDERLY LEELA: You remind me of an old toaster I had once. It's name was Bendo!
BENDER: that's ME you're remembering. You're old pal, BENDER! But Bendo's cool too!
ELDERLY LEELA: (touching her heart) What happened to Fry was so tragic and easily preventable. If only we'd...
BENDER: Yeah, yeah! Time for that later. Right now, how about a few stock tips? Anything go up in price that'll make old Bendo stinking rich?
ELDERLY LEELA: Cocoa.
FRY: I'm off to the kitchen for a snack. You want anything?
ELDERLY LEELA: No, I just asked that nice metal boy to get me some cocoa.
In the kitchen. Fry is popping 'Iffy Pop' on the stove as Leela comes in wearing a pink bikini.
FRY: -GULP!- LEELA?
LEELA: Oh... Hi, Fry! Teen Leela threatened to get a tattoo! Well, I'll just keep an eye on THAT!
FRY: (ogling) Need any help? (Fry's popcorn has burst open and caught fire)
LEELA: No, I'm good. I think your popcorn's burning.
BABY LEELA: WAAAAAH!
ZOIDBERG: (holding his head) AAAH! That sound! It's like hundreds of razor shrimp eating my brain!
LEELA: Oh, come on! What have you got to cry about? You've got no worries! No problems! And MY whole life ahead of you!
BABY LEELA: WAAAAH! (stops... ponders... cries harder) WAAAAAH!!!
LEELA: Yeah, GOOD POINT!
THREE HOURS LATER...
Leela is trying to console Baby Leela.
BABY LEELA: WAAAAH!
ZOIDBERG: For the love of all that's holy, somebody KILL ME!
HERMES: I'll go get my lucky axe!
LEELA: (on the picture phone) Operator, please connect me with THE SEWERS.
OPERATOR: Processing... one ringy dingy...
BABY LEELA: WAAAAAH!
MORRIS: (on screen) Oh my gosh, our daughter has a baby. And it looks JUST LIKE her!
MUNDA: (on screen) We're both delighted about being grandparents and ashamed that you didn't let us know earlier!
BABY LEELA: WAAAAAH!
ONE CONVOLUTED EXPLANATION LATER...
MUNDA: So that's really YOU? I forgot how ADORABLE you were at that age! And what LUNGS!
MORRIS: You're so cute. I wish we could ABANDON you all over again!
BABY LEELA: WAAAAAH!
LEELA: How did you stop me from crying?
MUNDA: Well, when you were a baby, I'd sing you to sleep with TV commercial jingles.
MORRIS: We were so poor, it was the only music we could afford to listen to.
LEELA: (singing) Ragnar's Human Rinds! Made from arms legs and behinds!
BENDER: (singing) It's got that snappy human taste, because it's made with medical waste! (Both Leela and Baby Leela fall asleep)
FRY: (whispering) Aw, look!
BENDER: (whispering) Yeah, it's ADORABLE! (takes Leela's wallet)
FRY: (leaving the room) Did you just take Leela's wallet?
BENDER: I'll give it back to her right after I invest this money in HEATING PADS, RUBBING ALCOHOL, and RIBBON CANDY! I got a few hot stock tips!
THE NEXT DAY...
Fry and Hermes are in the kitchen fixing their cups of coffee. Music can be heard in the background.
FRY: Smoke On The Water.
HERMES: If the river's on fire, it's not our fault. We toss all our dangerous flammable garbage in the mountains!
FRY: (walks into the lounge) No, Leela's playing 'Smoke On The Water'! The song!
LEELA: (playing a guitar) Yeah... pretty cool, huh? I gave Baby Leela this toy guitar to play with, and when I woke up this morning, I knew how to play the real thing!
FRY: I guess that makes sense. If you teach a kid version of you something, you'll be really good at it by your age!
LEELA: I also have her listening to a 'How To Speak French' MP3.
LEELA: Je parle maintenant le Francais parfait!
BENDER: Take it back to Belgium, Frenchy!
LEELA: What's that?
PROFESSOR: The schematics for the time ray gun! (sets it on the table next to Baby Leela) Can you use them to fix it?
LEELA: Sorry, no. (Baby Leela starts eating the schematics) I am having an odd craving for paper though.
BENDER: If you want the ray gun repaired, why not ask ME?
PROFESSOR: Because you're too easily distracted by self-centered pursuits!
BENDER: I resent that! Give me the gun and I'll... (turns around to see the stock report on TV) Aw no! My stocks are going DOWN! (falls to his knees) NOOOOOOO! I lost EVERYTHING! And so did Fry and all the other people whose bank passwords I know!
ELDERLY LEELA: Is that YOU, Bendo? Where's the cocoa, heating pad, rubbing alcohol, and ribbon candy I asked you for?
LEELA: Why can't YOU fix the time gun, Professor?
PROFESSOR: Normally, I could, but I'm so tense, I just can't stop shaking! I'm a NERVOUS WRECK! Space and time could TEAR at any second, dooming us all! (A loud ripping sound is heard- Zoidberg's pants ripped, exposing his ass)
ZOIDBERG: (bending over to retrieve a sandwich near the trash) Sorry... discount pants.
Inside a Dinkin' Donuts...
TEEN LEELA: What's the matter, Fry? You look nervous.
FRY: When I got a text message from Leela asking me out on a date, I didn't think it'd be... YOU.
TEEN LEELA: But I AM Leela. Just not the OLD and BITTER Leela.
FRY: Oh, she's not bad. I mean... YOU'RE not so bad. I mean... you're not GOING to be bad. Darned time travel! It makes me sound dumber than ever!
TEEN LEELA: (leans across the table toward Fry) I don't think you're dumb. I think you're COOL.
FRY: (eating a donut) Really? Well, -munch- Um... Leela's cool, too. She's a great Captain. She made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs! Look, you're going to grow up to be the best person I know! Brave, funny, and beautiful! But until then I think we should be just friends. Good... distant... friends.
TEEN LEELA: -Sigh!- That's what guys ALWAYS say.
ROBOT ACCOUNTANT: (sitting in the next booth over with Rosie from 'The Jetson's') Aw, c'mon, baby! She means nothing to me. It was just some harmless file sharing.
FRY: (walking back to Planet Express with Teen Leela) I should get you back to Planet Express before you're missed. (Teen Leela smiles at him) What?
TEEN LEELA: It's just nice thinking of someone missing me.
FRY: Well, you'll... YAAAAH!
TEEN LEELA: (points to a space/time rip going into Planet Express) What is THAT?
FRY: Looks like a tear in the very fabric of space and time!
TEEN LEELA: How do you know that?
FRY: The Professor called me about it when you went into the bathroom.
TEEN LEELA: Why didn't you rush over here when you got the call?
FRY: I'd just ordered another hot apple fritter.
Fry and Teen Leela return to Planet Express to see it full of Leelas, Benders, Professors, Hermes',Zoidbergs, and Amys of various ages, from infant to elderly.
PROFESSOR: Oh... hello, Fry. Good news! It appears time and space have finally gone all higgly piggly, and this tear appeared, summoning past and future versions of ourselves. Soon this will spread across the universe, infinitely overpopulating it until life as we know it ends.
FRY: And what's the 'GOOD NEWS' part?
PROFESSOR: I'm too stressed out to feel any real terror yet!
FRY: (a Old, balding Fry, and a young Fry appear) Hey! Cool! I'll call you Li'l Fry and Grampa Fry!
OLD FRY/YOUNG FRY: No you won't!
FRY: But I'm the NORMAL version of you! You HAVE to let me boss you around!
YOUNG FRY: Aw! I grow up to be YOU? I thought maybe my brain had been put into that cool robot!
BENDER: For the right price, that can be arranged!
LEELA: (runs in to see Teen Leela) Oh, THERE you are! I was so scared to think you fell into the tear or something!
TEEN LEELA: You were scared? Why? You don't even LIKE me!
Leela: It's ME I didn't like. I always felt like a big dork when I was your age.
TEEN LEELA: (sarcastically) Wow... THANKS!
LEELA: And it made me ANGRY at the world! But even though you're really ANNOYING... I DO like you. Which means I like ME. Which is... good. I think.
TEEN LEELA: I'm scared.
LEELA: You don't HAVE to be. And not just scared of THIS. You don't have to be scared you weren't good enough for your parents... or scared you'll never have anyone who cares about you. You've got a life ahead of you full of fun, adventure, and good friends!
ELDERLY LEELA: And don't forget being elected INTERGALACTIC PRESIDENT three times in a row.
ELDERLY LEELA: (coyly) Nothing.
BENDER: If you two are done getting in touch with your feelings and wanna quit OPRAHING around, the universe is about to end.
FRY: (to a group of 'Professors' ranging from a young child to a brain in a jar) Can't any of you Professors figure out how to fix the gun and reverse it's effects?
PROFESSOR'S BRAIN IN A JAR: The Professor from your time period is the only one with the experience and working hands! But he's too stressed out to DO it!
FRY: (shakes the Professor) You need to chill out! How do you relax an old man?
BENDER: I can get some horse tranquilizer. Old people are a lot like horses.
ELDERLY LEELA: Oh... just come here! (kisses the Professor)
ONE DISTURBING MINUTE LATER...
FRY: Professor? Are you Okay?
PROFESSOR: (covered in lipstick kisses) Whaaaa...?
FRY: He's worse than ever!
PROFESSOR: On the contrary! (takes the gun)
LEELA: Can you fix the gun?
PROFESSOR: (fiddles with the gun) Done and done. Just aim it at the tear and pull the trigger.
BENDER: (grabs the gun) Oh... Oh... let me do it! I love shooting stuff!
PROFESSOR: (to Elderly Leela, who is giving him the cold shoulder) Now there's just enough time for goodbyes and one more MAKE-OUT SESSION!
TEEN LEELA: (now holding Baby Leela) Thanks for everything. It was really nice to meet you!
LEELA: Nice to see you both again!
TEEN LEELA: BE you LATER! (disappears in a 'POP')
ZOIDBERG: (chasing a younger version of himself with a sandwich) Come back, Young Zoidberg! That's MY sandwich! (Young Zoidberg and the sandwich also disappear with a 'POP') Awwww!
FRY: (looks around) The tear is gone, and, man, there are a lot of dead owls in our light fixtures!
LEELA: But won't time still be damaged, Professor? My past selves will still remember all this.
PROFESSOR: No, time travel is very hard on the brain. Odds are they won't remember a thing. And you won't remember anything YOU taught THEM!
LEELA: (picks up the guitar) He's right! I can't remember how to play “Smoke On The Water'.
FRY: That's Okay. Every kid who grows up as part of a garage band learns the first seven chords! I'll teach them to you!
LEELA: (throws her Biological Clock into the trash) To heck with worrying about the future! Right now... being who I am... I'm happy!
FRY: I'm happy knowing that somewhere deep inside you is a teenage girl with a crush on me! (Leela blushes)
BENDER: And I'M happy now that the time gun is fixed. I only have one more alien ray gun to repair before I get my degree.
LEELA: And what does that gun do?
BENDER: According to the manual it's got the power to END everything!
PROFESSOR: Well, for Odin's sake be careful!
BENDER: (twirls the gun around on his finger) Relax! CAUTION is Bender Rodriguez's middle name! (drops the gun and it fires) Ooops!