ZOIDBERG: GREETINGS! Sit back as I tell you a tale! One with an amazing and startling TWIST ENDING! (Talks to Fry, Hermes, and Leela on the couch in the lounge) And all it will cost you is that tuna salad sandwich you've got in the fridge!
HERMES: For the last time... NO!
LEELA: Okay, I'll bite! What is the twist ending?
ZOIDBERG: I already ate the sandwich.
HERMES: (chases Zoidberg) Get back here, ya disgusting crustacean! I've got a lobster bib with your name on it!
ZOIDBERG: WOO WOO WOO!
FRY: (stretches out his arm towards Leela) I'm glad they're gone. Now it's just you and me.
BENDER: And Bender makes three! (quick flops down between the two of them) What's on the telly, Guv'nor?
FRY: (Sighs) The show with the best twist endings ever, 'THE SCARY DOOR'!
TV NARRATOR: Imagine, if you will, a three by seven inch wooden frame- a frame that's a gateway to a world of imagination. Wipe your mind on the welcome mat. You're about to enter... THE SCARY DOOR! Meet Brad Thompson, a man on his way home from a boring day at the office...
BRAD: (driving home) Man, I wish something exciting would happen... ANYTHING at all! (a firetruck is tailgating him, with lights and sirens going) What's THIS? A fire truck is trying to pass me? To get to my neighborhood? I'll bet my NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE is on fire! I'd better speed up if I want to watch that! (Arrives at his neighbor's) Wait a minute! My neighbor's house isn't on fire. But then, what's with all the smoke?
NEIGHBOR: Oh... Hi Brad, sorry to be the one to have to tell you but... YOU'RE on fire!
BRAD: (looks down to see he is aflame from the waist down) YAAAAAH! (dies)
FIREFIGHTER: We tried to warn him that he was spontaneously combusting, but he drove away from us!
TV NARRATOR: Official cause of death, third degree burns... ACTUAL cause of death, FIRST DEGREE IRONY!
PROFESSOR: (comes in with a package on a hover dolly) Good news, everyone!
LEELA: Speaking of ironic statements!
PROFESSOR: You'll be making a delivery to the writing department of 'The Scary Door' TV show. It's the usual television writing supplies- paper, junk food, and anti-depressants.
FRY: We get to meet 'The Scary Door' writing staff? Cool! I'm gonna ask them where they get their ideas. I bet no one ever asks them that!
The Planet Express ship is flying over the studio.
GUARD: Hey, you! Ya gotta sign in!
BENDER: Laser on! (blasts the guard's notepad with the ship's laser)
LEELA: You have such nice writing!
BENDER: Thanks! My Grandpa was a laser printer!
FRY: (now with Leela and Bender inside the studio) Hello, we have a delivery! Hope this is enough for your whole writing staff!
WRITER: Yes, that should be enough. Just set it next to the coffee pot.
FRY: Wait a minute. Where are all the other writers?
WRITER: It's just me. Always has been.
FRY: Mind if I ask you a question?
FRY: Where do you get your ideas?
WRITER: Well, from the same place MOST writers do I suppose... an interdimensional viewing machine! Years ago, I discovered a parallel Earth similar to ours in EVERY way but ONE. Their principle of physics is irony... Irony being the opposite outcome of what is expected.
MAN: (Seen in the viewing machine. It is a bright sunny day) Man, the one day I remember to bring an Umbrella!
WRITER: I just write down what I see every week!
LEELA: So everything on 'The Scary Door', the most IMAGINATIVE show on TV is TRUE!?
WRITER: Ironically, yes.
BENDER: Hey, can you get any other worlds on this thing? Like one where robots have enslaved humanity?
WRITER: Maybe, but to look at other worlds would take a great deal of power, and there's always the danger of tearing the dimensional...
BENDER: Sorry! Didn't catch anything after 'great deal of power'. I was just attaching a cold fusion generator I stole from the Professor's workbench!
LEELA: Bender... NO! (there is a huge explosion. Suddenly, Fry, Bender, and Leela are in the middle of nowhere, at a crossroads)
FRY: (Moans, holding his head) Where ARE we?
NARRATOR: Picture if you will, THREE DELIVERY PEOPLE who have, in the end, delivered THEMSELVES into another dimension!
LEELA: Hey, you! VOICEOVER PERSON! Can you help us?
NARRATOR: What? Um... No one's ever asked me for help before, I'm not sure.
LEELA: So all you can do is talk in that sexy voice?
NARRATOR: SEXY? You THINK so!? Say, if you want to get together sometime I can give you my voice mail!
FRY: She's not interested! See you later, narrator!
NARRATOR: Fine! BE that way! Good luck, chumps!
LEELA: FRY! We could have used his help!
FRY: Leela, I've seen EVERY EPISODE of 'The Scary Door'. I KNOW how this works. If he says he'll HELP us, in the end he'll try and KILL us! But as long as we expect the danger, the twist is there WON'T BE ANY, so we'll be safe.
BENDER: Fry's making sense! What kind of crazy bizarro world IS this?
FRY: THAT'S the spirit! It's that kind of panic that'll keep us safe! The important thing is to stick together. Right, Leela? (looks around to see they had already left him) LEELA? BENDER?
LEELA: (walks through a suburban neighborhood) Fry? Bender? Aw, SPACE NUTS! (Stomach growls) What the...? Oh, that's right. I never had breakfast. Zoidberg ate my burrito. I guess it couldn't hurt to get a little snack. (Walks up to a diner- 'TO SERVE MAN') This place looks good. (Walks in- the diner is full of men, all ogling her) Hey there! I'm from out of town and looking for a QUICK BITE! What's on the menu today?
COOK: YOU... have to leave. This is the 'To Serve Man' diner. We only serve MEN. Not DAMES!
LEELA: I'll be serving you a knuckle sandwich if you don't give me a piece of pecan pie!
COOK: (backs off) Yes, Ma'am! On the house, Ma'am!
LEELA: (looks a t a small machine on the counter) Hey, what's THIS?
COOK: A fortune telling machine. But BEWARE! It's never wrong!
LEELA: (Hits the button, takes her fortune and reads it) You will have a date with DEATH this afternoon!
COOK: And here's your pecan pie, which is REALLY cake! What a TWIST!
DEATH: ( He is a handsome young man in a turtleneck and sport jacket) Did someone mention my name?
LEELA: What's your name, CAKE?
DEATH: I have many names. But you know probably know me as 'Death'. I was just on my way to a farmhouse to escort an old woman into the afterlife when I decided to stop in for coffee.
LEELA: Death? But you're so HANDSOME!
DEATH (peels back his face) If you'd like, I can do the skull and bones thing.
LEELA: Ugh! No... handsome is good!
DEATH: Say, would you care to join me? I hate to see a beautiful woman eat alone.
LEELA: As long as I don't have to die.
DEATH: Barring any unforeseen nut allergies, I think you're safe.
NARRATOR: And what about Bender?...
BENDER: (standing at a street corner) Ironic twists! HA! They don't scare Bender! Now to just cross this street, seeing how the sign says 'walk'! (looks down) What? MY LEGS! The things I use to walk with... GONE! What cruel fate has done this to me?
HOBO-BOT: You just sold them to me in exchange for that bottle of hooch!
BENDER: (opens himself, removing a bottle) Oh yeah, right. Man that stuff really does a number on the old memory banks! (extends his arms and walks on his hands) Well, THIS isn't gonna work. It's murder on my manicure! (looks at a fast food chicken restaurant with two big drumsticks in a bucket outside) Hmmm... (Bender now has the chicken legs on as his own) Oh yeah, Baby, who's the finger licking good robot? The name's BENDER!
FRY: LEELA! LEELA!
FRY: Uh... hello there.
DOLL: (Next to a bunch of trash cans) I'm a talking Twacy doll. Will you be my fwiend?
FRY: (walks away) No thanks. I'm betting because you're all cute and stuff you're really EVIL. Anyway, I already HAVE an evil best friend.
DOLL: (Starts to follow Fry) I bet he's not as bad as me. I pushed my wast owner's daddy down the stairs.
FRY: One time Bender pushed me down an escalator that was going up. I was falling down it for almost an hour.
DOLL: (grabs a lollipop out a baby's hand) Look, I'm stealing candy from a wittle baby!
FRY: Bender opened a candy store that only sold stolen baby candy. He's thinking of franchising.
DOLL: (has a gun and a large bag of money) I just wobbed a bank! Impwessed yet?
FRY: (yawns) It's bad alright, but just not BENDER bad!
DOLL: (now at a set of train tracks with dynamite and a plunger igniter) What if I blow up a twain? Has your pwecious Bender done THAT?
FRY: (On another set of tracks) I'll have to check my diary, but no, I don't think he has!
DOLL: (stands on the tracks, triumphant) HA HA HA! YES! I win! I... (SPLAT! A train runs her over)
FRY: I'm not sure if that was ironic. Or really that much of an unexpected... (SPLAT! Another train hits Fry)
PASSERBY: (walks up to Bender. He is holding a box with a big red button on it) Greetings! I have an offer for you!
BENDER: ( Putting on a red glove on his head) Sorry, pal, I'm on my way to a cockfight! I think I can take any rooster in the joint!
PASSERBY: But I wanted to offer you a chance at earning ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
BENDER: Keep talking, fleshy!
PASSERBY: All you have to do is take this box with a button on it. Use it, and someone you don't know will be hurt. Then, you'll receive One million dollars! The ethical question is... (Bender yanks it out of his hands and bashes his head repeatedly with the box)
BENDER: There! I used it to hurt someone I don't know! Now give me my money!
PASSERBY: (hands Bender cash) Nice... loop hole!
FRY: (in a white room) Man, being hit by a train really stings. Where AM I? (Fry is greeted by two winged creatures- one resembles a blonde human, the other a winged reptile)
BLONDE: The afterlife.
REPTILE: Where you can have anything you desire. Anything at all.
FRY: Anything? Like a new car?
BLONDE: Look behind you!
FRY: WOW! Okay, how about a wide screen super high-definition TV, a bean bag chair, ACTION COMICS #1, and a double cheeseburger served to me by Abraham Lincoln! (fry is now seen sitting in a bean bag chair, reading 'Superman #1', watching TV) Yo, Abe! Does this thing get cable?
LINCOLN: Four score and twenty channels!
BENDER: This looks like a good place to blow some cash! (enters 'Serling's Pawn Shop')
GENIE: Only twenty dollars for this great lamp? What if I throw in FOUR WISHES?
SHOPKEEPER: I'll take the flying carpet AND the lamp for THIRTY! Now get outta here before I reboot my mind!
BENDER: Hey, Pal! I want the most expensive thing you got in the store!
SHOPKEEPER: How about this monkey's paw? (shows him a mummified monkey's hand under glass)
BENDER: No way! I know what they throw with those things!
SHOPKEEPER: (holds up an old pocket watch) This is a watch...
SHOPKEEPER: Wait! Wait! It's very special!
BENDER: (Throws cash at the shopkeeper and takes off) Yeah, yeah! Too rich to listen! Gotta go! (starts walking down the street, looking at the watch) I wonder what this button does! (hits the button. HE immediately walks into a man who appears frozen in time) Hey! Rich guy coming through! Watch your... Um... (notices a bird frozen in mid air) Hey! Hello? Hey! This watch must STOP TIME! (grabs the man's wallet) What am I doing? Petty theft is so petty! I gotta think big! NOTHING can stop me now! (looks up) Except maybe those nuclear missiles headed towards Earth. NUCLEAR MISSILES HEADED TOWARDS EARTH!?!? Okay, Bender, don't worry! You've got all the time in the world to learn how to disarm nuclear missiles. Then all we need is a couple of thousand ladders and some duct tape to hold them together.
AN IMMEASURABLE AMOUNT OF TIME LATER...
BENDER: (straddling a missile) Okay, here we go, looks simple enough. Cross the blue wires, cut the red. That's the last one! (now back on ground) If my calculations are correct, they should all land harmlessly. Only one way to find out! (clicks the button on the watch)
Back in the restaurant...
LEELA: Marry you? But we've just met!
DEATH: Death waits for no one! You feel the attraction too. Just say you'll be Mrs. Reaper.
LEELA: (thinking) I'd want to kep my name or at least hyphenate it. Turanga Leela-Reaper.
DEATH: yeah, yeah. Whatever. It's cool.
LEELA: then I say... ( a HUGE explosion goes off outside. Leela and Death run outside to see mushroom clouds everywhere) Well, this ain't good.
DEATH: (cell phone rings) Excuse me, I have to take this! Uh-huh... yep... Okay... I see. (ends the call) All life on earth is going to be wiped out by this. They think it's some drunken robot related accident. This is going to take a while. Wait for me?
LEELA: For how long?
DEATH: To get about ten billion people properly processed into the afterlife...? About a hundred thousand years.
LEELA: But I'd be dead by then.
DEATH: (walks away) Yes, that IS ironic. (turns around) Sorry, Leela. Just curious. What was your answer going to be?
LEELA: I was going to say...
Cut to Bender...
BENDER: NOOOOOOOO!!! (stands among carnage) There's no one left to steal from and my million bucks is worthless. Why does everything bad happen to me? And to top it off, I think I'm getting a small dose of post-genocidal guilt. If only there was something to take my mind off of it. HELLO! A Robot Adult bookstore! (walks in) All my favorites! 'Playbot'! 'Motherboards I'd Like To Format'! And 'Barely Assembled'! Well, better start reading! (leans over to pick up a magazine, and his eyes fall out and break) What a day I'm having!
FRY: (Now sitting on a throne, surrounded by stuff) What a day I'm having! Oh, and I also want every video game ever invented and a back rub from Marcia Brady!
BLONDE: Um... Mr. Fry? We were hoping that sooner or later you'd find getting everything you ever wanted wasn't HEAVEN at all, but, in fact, HELL.
REPTILE: Are you EVER going to REALIZE that?
FRY: So I'm in HELL?
FRY: But it's Hell with free stuff? Okay, I'm cool with that.
REPTILE: Isn't there anything you long for more than objects? SOMEONE perhaps?
FRY: Well, I've always wanted Leela to love me back. (Leela- a fake really- suddenly appears)
LEELA: Hello, Fry. I was wondering if we could make out.
FRY: GREAT! Wait, this isn't the REAL Leela, is it? I know her. I know her better than I know myself, and I got to know me really well when I was alive. Especially in High School.
BLONDE: No, it's not. We can create the illusion of love, but we can't force someone to love you. Shall we get rid of this FAKE Leela that torments you with what you'll NEVER have?
FRY: Uh... sure, in a little while. (goes to kiss the fake Leela. She disappears, along with all of his stuff) HEY!
REPTILE: Look, normally we'd stay and torment you slowly and ironically, but we just got word that everyone on Earth has just died, and we're pretty backed up with really EVIL people to torture and whatnot. Could you just let yourself out?
FRY: Wait! Can I get one more wish?
BLONDE: Fine! But make it snappy!
FRY: I want me, Bender, and Leela... the real Leela... to be sent home... alive, safe, and sound!
BLONDE: DONE! Now get the Hell out of Hell! (Fry disappears in a puff of smoke to appear next to Leela and Bender...)
FRY: Bender! Leela! You're okay!
LEELA: I think so!
BENDER: Hey! My eyes and legs are back! Looks like old Bender's come through yet another adventure with no consequences for his actions! (looks up to see they're in a cage with two gorillas) YAAAA!
LEELA: where IS this place?
FRY: (points to a sign in the cage) According to the sign, it's APE WORLD!
BENDER: A world where ape rules over robots? It's a madhouse! A MADHOUSE!!!
LEELA: Relax! We're just in the gorilla cage at the zoo! Hey, Zoo keeper! (the zoo keeper is Sal) Let us out, will ya?
SAL: Oh no! Youze gorillas ain't fooling me again with your disguises!
ZOIDBERG: Picture if you will, a team- once free, but now on display in a zoo, a zoo of their own minds maybe? No, those bars look pretty real. And the zoo stinks... you can't fake that, no siree! (We now see Zoidberg in a cage as well) But in the end, who really knows where freedom starts and ends?
HERMES: It began when I sold you to the zoo for eating my sandwich! I warned you I'd do it!
PATRON: Hey! That's MY beer!
BENDER: The sign says no feeding the animals! There's nothing against giving them booze!
PROFESSOR: (in a caption bubble) Don't slam the Scary Door on your way out!