Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #30: Fry & The Double-Bag, Must-Have Item!
Transcribed by Umbreon

SCRIP - LEN WEIN

PENCILS - MIKE KAZALEH

INKS - ANDREW PEPOY

COLORS - NATHAN HAMIL

LETTERS - KAREN BATES

EDITOR - BILL MORRISON


Fry, Leela, and Bender are on the bridge of the ship flying through space. There are crates scattered around and Fry has one shoe off.

FRY: Leela, have you ever noticed how TOES look a lot like little FINGERS?

LEELA: (sighs) Congratulations, Fry. Every time I think you couldn't possibly be any more STUPID... *she spots Bender holding a crowbar and beginning to pry the top off of one of the boxes* Bender, what are you UP TO back there?

BENDER: (tosses the crowbar in his chest) Ah, nothing you could TESTIFY to in court. Stop being so SUSPICIOUS.

LEELA: Then stop ACTING so suspicious. Just sit down.

FRY: Hah! Told you she'd CATCH you.

BENDER: (sits and crosses his arms) Don't know what the big deal is over some stupid old BASEBALL MEMORABILIA anyway. I mean, it ain't exactly BLERNSBALL.

FRY: You don't know what you're TALKING about, Bender... but that's 'cause you didn't live 1000 YEARS ago.

BENDER: Lucky for ME.

FRY: In his heyday, BERRY BONDS was considered the BEST ballplayer there was. I mean, he even managed to break Babe Ruth's CAREER HOME RUN RECORD. *he begins playing with his big toe* Of course, it took him a lot of extra GAMES, a bunch of extra YEARS, and apparently a whole load of STEROIDS to do it... at least that's what Jose Canseco's head says.

BENDER: Wow! They let BABES play ball in your day?

LEELA: Actually, Bender, this PARTICULAR Babe was a MAN.

BENDER: Nah, I’ve seen PICTURES of Fry’s old girlfriends. They just LOOK like men.

LEELA: That’s BESIDE the point. The bottom line is, Planet Express was hired to deliver a SLABBED BARRY BONDS in mint condition to a special COLLECTOR... *turns back to the wheel* … and that’s exactly what we’re going to DO! Got it?

FRY: (chewing on his toenail) Yeah, we’re gonna—

LEELA: Good.

FRY: Hey! My old girlfriends do NOT look like men!

BENDER: Yeah, RIGHT, meatbag. You just keep TELLING yourself that.

The view changes to outside the ship.

FRY: Leela, make Bender stop PICKING on me.

BENDER: Hey, you were picking your own TOES, beefsack!

LEELA: Don’t make me SEPARATE you—oh, WAIT… we’re HERE!

The ship closes in on a planet that looks slightly like Mars. Around it are different signs hanging in space that read: ‘I own the trademark on stuff’, 'stuff is cool', 'whoever dies with the most stuff wins!', 'did I mention I have lots of stuff?', 'wanna see my stuff?', 'you can look at my stuff, but never touch my stuff!', and 'stuff can be viewed 9am to 5pm daily!'

The ship lands and a robot comes to meet the crew.

LEELA: Hi. Planet Express. We've got a DELIVERY here that needs to be SIGNED for.

ROBOT: The MASTER will be with you momentarily.

BENDER: (whispers to the robot) MASTER, huh? Want me to help you lead a ROBOT REBELLION?

ROBOT: Whatever FOR? *turns* May I present... the MASTER!

A nerdy looking human boy walks up to them. He has glasses, ruffled hair, blue pants, and a red shirt with The Flash's lightning bolt on it.

BOY: Hello. I'm your host, GRANVILLE BYERS IV. But my friends call me GRABBY. At least they would, if I HAD any friends.

BENDER: Now there's a SHOCKER.

LEELA: (holds out a small eletronic pad) You'll need to sign right THERE.

GRABBY: (takes out a quill and ink pot) This is the original quill pen that THOMAS JEFFERSON used to write the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. I figured Ernest Hemingway's original TYPEWRITER would be a little OSTENTATIOUS.

LEELA: (looks at the running ink) Well, I guess that's OFFICIAL enough.

GRABBY: So... got my SLABBED BARRY BONDS for me?

A small crane carrying a large box emerges from the ship.

LEELA: There you are... and in MINT CONDITION, as promised.

As the box lowers, Fry and Bender move it into the ground.

GRABBY: (hops around excitedly) Let me see. Let me SEE!

BENDER: Doesn't get OUT much, does he?

The panels fall away, revealing Barry Bonds in his Giants uniform inside a glass container.

GRABBY: Oh, it's PERFECT! It's BEAUTIFUL! It's--

LEELA: A little CREEPY, if you ask ME.

BENDER: Humans! If I live 'til my WARRANTY expires, I'll never figure you out.

They put Bonds on a hoverdolly and Grabby points toward the house.

GRABBY: Come. I need to put him with the rest of the SET.

FRY: The REST of the set?

LEELA: I don't think I want to KNOW.

Inside the garage, there are racks of comic books, vinyl records, and a large missile.

LEELA: Okay, I'll ADMIT it. This place is IMPRESSIVE.

GRABBY: It's taken me a LIFETIME to gather all this stuff together. It's the LARGEST collection of its kind in the known universe.

FRY: Really?

GRABBY: Okay, it's the ONLY collection of its kind in the known universe. Feel free to look around.

Two robots place Bonds with other baseball players under a plaque reading "2006 San Francisco Giants."

GRABBY: At last. My run of the 2006 San Francisco Giants is finally COMPLETE.

LEELA: You really are an OBSESSIVE sort, aren't you?

Fry and Bender begin looking around. A violin bow is framed on the wall above a violin. A plaque between them reads "The Lost Chord." A pile of papers next to the violin is labeled "Shubert's finished symphony."

FRY: I don't GET it, Bender. I don't understand ANY of this stuff.

At a different table, a card states "Career ashes." Various bottles are arranged on top and are all labeled as well. "Pauly Shore", "Britney Spears", "Pete Rose", "M.C. Hammer", "George W. Bush", and "Mike Tyson" are visible.

BENDER: Who cares? It's all OLD, ain't it? That means it's probably worth a BUNDLE.

FRY: (walks toward a green door) Hey, wonder what's in HERE?

GRABBY: No, not THAT room.

BENDER: Why NOT?

GRABBY: That room is totally PACKED. It contains my complete set of all the "LAW AND ORDER" holovids. Except for the CURRENT season, of course. Those aren't available on VID yet.

At a rack of comic books, Fry pauses at an empty marker.

FRY: Hey, how come this display is EMPTY?

BENDER: You tryin' to HIDE something from us, fella?

GRABBY: No, that space is just reserved for what would have been the PRIZE of my comic book collection... a mint condition copy of SPACE BOY #150, "The Death Of Space Boy!"

BENDER: How come you don't have THAT one? You got everything ELSE.

GRABBY: According to the "Underhand Price" guide, no more copies even EXIST. But I'd pay ANYTHING to get my hands on a copy if it did.

BENDER: (his eyes turn to money signs) Anything?

GRABBY: Well, within REASON, anyway.

BENDER: Figures. There's always a CATCH.

LEELA: Look, I hate to INTERRUPT, but we do have other DELIVERIES to make.

BENDER: (stomps toward the door, clanking) Okay, FINE, spoilsport. You wanna go, let's GO.

LEELA: Why are you CLANKING when you walk?

BENDER: Uh... need a good LUBE JOB?

Leela opens his chest cabinet and various small things topple out.

LEELA: BENDER...!

BENDER: What? *chuckles* Now how did all THAT get in there?

LEELA: (picks up the things) Sorry. I forgot to mention one of my crew is a bit of a KLEPTOMANIAC.

BENDER: Hey, I RESENT that. I'm a TOTAL kleptomaniac.

Later, back at Planet Express headquarters...

PROFESSOR: Good NEWS, everyone!

Everyone is seated around the conference table.

PROFESSOR: I've finally succeeded in CLONING myself a new PROSTATE.

HERMES: That IS good news, Professor. Now we can finally take that PLASTIC SHEETING off the walls.

FRY: Whatcha DOING, Bender?

Bender holds a pencil and is writing something on a piece of paper. He quickly moves his arm to hide exactly what.

BENDER: None of your BEESWAX, beefo!

FRY: C'mon... let me SEE!

BENDER: Okay, FINE! If you must know, I'm drawing a copy of SPACE BOY #150 to sell to that meatsack MONEYBAGS.

FRY: Really? This I gotta SEE.

Bender holds up a rough drawing of a astronaut holding a ray gun.

FRY: Eeeyew! This looks nothing LIKE Space Boy #150.

BENDER: Oh, yeah? And how would you know, bright eyes?

FRY: Well, for one thing, I used to OWN a copy!

BENDER: You WHAT?!?

LEELA: Why didn't you TELL us?

FRY: Well, it has been 1000 years since I last SAW it. It probably turned to dust CENTURIES ago.

BENDER: What if it HASN'T? What did you DO with it?

FRY: Well, I wanted to make sure my stupid BROTHER couldn't steal it... so I HID it at work.

BENDER: (shakes Fry's shoulders) Then maybe it still EXISTS.

FRY: I kinda DOUBT it.

BENDER: But what if it DOES?

FRY: But what if it DOESN'T?

BENDER: (grabs Fry's hand and drags him to the door) There's only one way to know for SURE! We gotta go to Old New York and FIND it!

FRY: Yeah, I guess it couldn't HURT.

LEELA: Fine. If you IDIOTS are going, I'd better come ALONG!

ZOIDBERG: (hops) Oh, joy... a FIELD TRIP!

Soon after... Fry, Leela, Bender, and Zoidberg walk along a wood walkway in the sewers.

ZOIDBERG: HOORAY! I'm exploring dangerous underground ruins with FRIENDS.

LEELA: Why did we bring ZOIDBERG along again?

BENDER: So we'd have something to FEED to the mutant CROCODILES if we need to ESCAPE.

FRY: Oh, RIGHT.

They end up in the middle of a group of paths that branch off in six directions.

LEELA: Okay, Fry, which way do we GO? You do REMEMBER, don't you?

FRY: I'll have you know I was a PROFESSIONAL DELIVERY BOY, delivering pizzas to exotic locations all over the city every day... so, NO. I have absolutely no IDEA. *he points* How about we go THAT way?

LEELA: Whatever. Just so long as we keep MOVING.

And, SIXTEEN false starts later... they're finally in front of Panucci's Pizza.

FRY: See? I TOLD you I knew where it was! Welcome to PANUCCI'S PIZZA, home of the salami/peanut butter special.

ZOIDBERG: But the door is BARRED! We can't get IN.

BENDER: That's what I'M here for, squidloaf! You need something BENT, have it bent by the BEST! That's ME, by the way... BENDER IS GREAT!

He bends the bars wide and opens a path to the door.

FRY: C'mon, everybody! Let's check it out.

They enter and Fry runs around excitedly.

FRY: Wow! The place looks EXACTLY like I REMEMBERED it. *he points to a box* Hey! An UNDELIVERED PIZZA with a NOTE stuck to it.

ZOIDBERG: So what does the note SAY, I'm wondering.

FRY: Good question. *he pulls off the note and reads it* "Dear son, your terrible delivery record has ruined our reputation. If you don't deliver THIS pie hot and on time we're gonna be OUT OF BUSINESS! Sincerely, Papa Panucci. P.S. Stop stealing MEATBALLS off the pies." Well, whaddaya know? Panucci's really couldn't get along WITHOUT me. What an IDIOT! I always stole the ANCHOVIES off the pies.

LEELA: (opens the box) Hey, there's still a PIE in here.

FRY: Really? *he pulls out a slice* Oh, YUM!

LEELA: Fry--NO! The last time you ate old food, you got WORMS!

FRY: (takes a bite) Not to WORRY, Leela. Panucci's prided itself on never using any NATURAL INGREDIENTS in any of its pies. This one's still FRESH. Anybody ELSE want a slice?

ZOIDBERG: You're offering FREE FOOD? Everybody out of my WAY!

Zoidberg devours the pizza, box and all. He then begins to eat the boxes stacked around.

ZOIDBERG: More! MORE!

FRY: Zoidberg--no! Those boxes are EMPTY!

ZOIDBERG: (stuffs another box in his mouth) So? I need ROUGHAGE!

BENDER: You're telling ME?

LEELA: So where's this BOOK we've gone to all this trouble to find?

FRY: Hopefully, right where I LEFT it... *he points over his shoulder* ... in the MEN'S ROOM under the loose BRICK behind the WATER PIPES!

Bender makes a dash for the bathroom.

BENDER: Outta my WAY! I gotta go FIRST!

He bends two water pipes above the toilet and exposes a brick with a few cracks around it.

BENDER: I'll bend these PIPES aside, Fry... you grab the SWAG!

FRY: Just let me pull out the BRICK!

LEELA: I can't BELIEVE this. I'm actually getting EXCITED!

Fry pulls out the brick and sticks his arm in the hole, water from the pipes starting to drip on his jacket.

LEELA: Well, is it still THERE? Is it?

BENDER: Why should YOU care, one-eye? YOU ain't getting a cut!

Fry pulls out a comic book, still in its plastic sleeve.

FRY: I don't BELIEVE it! It's still HERE--and it's in PERFECT CONDITION!

BENDER: (his eyes extend and change to money symbols) Wah-HOO! I'm gonna be stinkin' RICH!

Leela turns to the water pipes, which are starting to leak faster.

LEELA: Celebrate LATER. Right now, I think we should get out of here.

FRY: You're right, Leela. I need to get this book someplace SAFE!

BENDER: Stop LOOKING at it! You're getting EYE-TRACKS all over it!

They run out the front just ahead of the spreading water and pass Zoidberg, who has a box in his claws.

LEELA: Zoidberg... come on! We're LEAVING!

ZOIDBERG: But I'm not finished EATING yet!

Once out, Leela points upward to a manhole cover.

LEELA: Let's head back to the SURFACE.

FRY: But what about ZOIDBERG?

LEELA: Oh, I wouldn't worry about HIM! He should be along...

The shot changes to back inside the pizzeria. The pent up water crashes though the door.

LEELA: ... right about...

ZOIDBERG: Oy.

Zoidberg washes out the front door.

LEELA: ... Now!

ZOIDBERG: What? No complimentary AFTER DINNER MINT?

BENDER: NOW can we go home?

So... Fry sits in the lounge at Planet Express.

FRY: I can't believe it's still in PERFECT CONDITION! I guess using acid-free backing boards and sealtite snugs really does make a DIFFERENCE.

BENDER: We're gonna be QUADRILLIONAIRES!

FRY: (eyes Bender) Hey, what's with this WE all of a sudden?

BENDER: (sits and puts his arm around Fry) Look, you may be a MEATBAG but you're still my BEST FRIEND. You hadda KNOW I was gonna cut you in for a tiny TASTE.

FRY: Gee, THANKS, Bender. That's really GENEROUS of-- Hey!

BENDER: What?

FRY: How many times do you expect me to FALL for that?

BENDER: I don't KNOW. I've lost COUNT.

FRY: That's it! I'm SELLING this thing... NOW!

AMY: Whatcha DOING, Fry?

FRY: (picks up the phone) I'm calling that GRABBY guy to sell him my COMIC BOOK.

AMY: You're WHAT? What kind of IDIOT are you?

FRY: Got me. How many kinds ARE there? Hey, WAIT! What do you MEAN by that?

AMY: It's the 31st century, Fry. You don't just sell things to people OUTRIGHT. You put the item up for sale on IDBAY.

BENDER: Amy's RIGHT! You put the book up on IDBay and let people FIGHT over it--and it'll jack up the price like GANGBUSTERS.

FRY: But what's IDBAY?

HERMES: (enters holding a helmet) Great shock rockets of Winsocket, mon! Don't you know ANYTHING? IDBay is the latest CRAZE! You put on this HELMET, stare at the ITEM you want to sell, and let people THINK their bids to you!

AMY: It's as easy as my cousin MARSHA.

PROFESSOR: Everybody DOES it!

FRY: Sounds STUPID, so it just might WORK. I'll DO it!

Hermes hands him the helmet.

BENDER: Just do it QUICK, will ya! I'm hemorrhaging MONEY here.

Fry puts the helmet on and wiggles it into place.

HERMES: Now just look at your COMIC and think real HARD and wait for the BIDS to come rollin' in.

LEELA: I know thinking is HARD for you, Fry! Just do your BEST.

FRY: (leans over and stares at the comic) For YOU, Leela... ANYTHING. Nothing SO FAR. Still NOTHING. *he suddenly stands up straight* Oh, WOW! My head is filling up with NUMBERS!

LEELA: Who FROM?

FRY: I think it's that Byers guy... GRABBY... He's bidding on the comic.

BENDER: C'mon RETIREMENT FUND.

FRY: Hey, WAIT! Now there's somebody trying to OUTBID him.

AMY: See? I TOLD you so!

FRY: Boy, the other bidder really WANTS that book! They're going at each other like CATS AND DOGS!

An outline of Grabby floats on one side of Fry, while a black outline of a face with a question mark is on the other. Bids for huge sums of money fly back and forth.

FRY: (smiles) It's really kinda TOUCHING. I've never had anybody FIGHT over me be--

A loud 'bing' sounds.

FRY: What does THAT mean?

HERMES: Time is UP!

AMY: The bidding is OVER!

ZOIDBERG: So who WON?

FRY: After all that, the winner was still GRABBY!

BENDER: How MUCH did you get?

FRY: Oh, not MUCH... *he hops around excitedly* ... just more MONEY than I could possibly spend in TEN LIFETIMES!

BENDER: (dances) We're RICH! RICH, I tell you! HA HA HA HAH!

FRY: And my parents said I would never AMOUNT to anything. *he shakes his fist at the ceiling* In your FACE, parental units! *he take off the helmet* The LOSING bidder sure wasn't HAPPY, though. I didn't know you could even THINK things that awful!

LEELA: Do you know who the loser WAS?

FRY: Don't KNOW. They never SAID.

BENDER: What DIFFERENCE does it make? We're stupidly RICH!

ZOIDBERG: (picks up the comic) So much money for THIS? It doesn't even look all that APPETIZING!

BENDER: Hey, stop fishhandling the MERCHANDISE! You're getting your filthy CLAWMARKS all over it.

ZOIDBERG: FILTHY? I just had a MANICURE, I'll have you know.

LEELA: I think, for everybody's sake, we'd better get that book delivered to BYERS before something HAPPENS to it!

BENDER: (hugs the comic) Don't even IMAGINE something like that!

Fry, Leela, and Bender walk through the hangar to the ship.

FRY: You'd better pilot the SHIP, Leela! I'm gonna be too busy thinking of new ways to spend all my MONEY.

LEELA: But I'm the CAPTAIN. I ALWAYS pilot the... oh, never mind!

BENDER: Dibbsies on SHOTGUN!

Later... as they make their way to Grabby's place.

LEELA: Bender, come here. I've got a job for you!

BENDER: No WAY, Leela! *he holds up the comic* I'm protecting my NEST EGG till it's nice and safe.

FRY: Hey! You mean MY nest egg.

BENDER: That's what I SAID. MY nest egg!

FRY: (tries to reach over Bender) Gimme my BOOK!

BENDER: Nuh-uh, meatbag! The only way you're getting this book AWAY from me is to PRY it from my cold, dead FLEXI-DIGITS!

FRY: Don't TEMPT me!

LEELA: I'm SERIOUS! If I have to SEPARATE you two again, I'm tossing ONE of you out of the AIRLOCK.

FRY: (points at Bender) Him FIRST!

BENDER: (points at Fry) No! Pick--

The ship jars with a loud 'whoom' and both Bender and Fry lose their hold on the comic.

FRY: What just HAPPENED?

LEELA: We're UNDER ATTACK! Someone just OPENED FIRE on us!

FRY: WHO did?

LEELA: I have no IDEA.

BENDER: Well, try to OUTRUN 'em!

From outside, there is a grey ship shooting lasers at them.

FRY: Faster, Leela... FASTER!

LEELA: Actually, Fry, I don't need you to TELL me that.

Back on the deck, Bender is hugging himself.

BENDER: We're gonna die! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! And I'm too WONDERFUL to die!

FRY: Don't WORRY, Bender, I think we're going to LOSE that ship!

LEELA: THAT ship, maybe!

Outside, three ships that look like a shorter and grey version of the Planet Express ship, with larger turrets, block the way.

LEELA: Those OTHER three ships, I don't THINK so!

SHIP: Stand down and prepare to be BOARDED.

Fry, Leela, and Bender go down to the hold and wait in front of the large door.

BENDER: Do ya think it's a species that eats ROBOTS?

LEELA: I DOUBT it, Bender. We couldn't be that LUCKY.

FRY: What if they're really huge, horrible FLESHSUCKERS with razor-sharp FANGS and ripping CLAWS and--

The door opens and Walt, Larry, and Igner walk in holding ray guns.

IGNER: Hello.

FRY: Oh. Never mind.

LARRY: Permit us to present out beloved PARENT...

FRY: MOM!?!

LEELA: What's THAT sagging old hag doing here?

LARRY: (points his gun at Leela) Watch your MOUTH, cyclops! Nobody talks to the chairwoman and CEO of MOMCORP like that.

LEELA: I just DID!

LARRY: Then you will SUFFER for your insolence.

MOM: (triple-slaps her sons) Oh, stuff a SOCK in it, will you? I haven't got TIME for all this melodrama!

LEELA: What are you DOING here, Mom? What do you WANT with us?

MOM: With YOU? Nothing! I want... *she points at the copy of Space Boy* THAT!

FRY: My comic book? No, you can't HAVE it!

MOM: You say that as if it's an OPTION.

LEELA: If you wanted the book that BADLY, why didn't you just BID on it on IDBay?

MOM: I did... ANONYMOUSLY so you wouldn't jack up the price... but no matter how MUCH I bid, that idiot Byers OUTBID me! Once Byers BOUGHT the thing, hijacking your ship was my only ALTERNATIVE!

FRY: B-but--!

MOM: Now, if you'll EXCUSE me, I'll take my prize and get OFF this tub! It smells too much like FARNSWORTH.

FRY: But that's not FAIR! Granville Byers was gonna pay enough for me to live like a king for TEN LIFETIMES! What do YOU have to offer me?

MOM: How about the rest of THIS lifetime?

Larry, Walt, and Igner aim their rays at Fry.

FRY: (gulps and holds out the book) Good OFFER!

MOM: Isn't it?

FRY: Just... please be CAREFUL. That book is the LAST of its kind!

MOM: (pulls the comic out of the plastic) Book? Who cares about some stupid COMIC BOOK? You WANT it, boys-- *she tosses the comic over her shoulder at her sons* It's YOURS!

WALT: It's MINE!

IGNER: Mine!

LARRY: No, MINE!

The three of them fight and comic is ripped to shreds in the process.

FRY: NOOOOOOOO!

MOM: But a long lost PLASTIC that can preserve cheap pulp paper for ten centuries, now THAT'S something worth HAVING! Once my scientists find a way to REPLICATE it, I'll make BILLIONS!

Leela glares as the four of them leave, while Fry and Bender kneel and pick up scraps of paper.

FRY: Oh, my comic book! My poor, poor COMIC BOOK!

BENDER: Your COMIC BOOK, my galvanized butt! What about my FORTUNE?

FRY: You're right! Oh, my poor, poor FORTUNE!

BENDER: (holds up two pieces) Ya think if maybe we can TAPE it back together, we can still SELL it?

PROFESSOR: (in a caption bubble) Good news, everyone! The story is over! You can go now!

Buddies