Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #31: AS THE WORMHOLE TURNS
Transcribed by dinkdrinker

SCRIPT- IAN BOOTHBY

PENCILS- MIKE KAZALEH

INKS- ANDREW PEPOY

LETTERS- KAREN BATES

COLORS- NATHAN HAMMILL

EDITOR- BILL MORRISON


FRY: (Fry is being constricted by a giant worm in a Vet's office) AAAAH! A sand worm!

VET: NEXT!

SANDWORM'S OWNER: (pets it affectionately) Come on, girl!

FRY:- GAK!-

LEELA: (holding Nibbler) Don't worry, Nibbler, the Vet will see you soon.

VET: What seems to be the problem?

SANDWORM'S OWNER: She gets all upset when I walk without rhythm.

FRY: (on the floor holding his neck) -GASP!- -WHEEZE!-

LEELA: Keep it down, Fry! Nibbler's nervous enough already. He barely finished his hippopotamus this morning.

VET: NEXT! (Leela and Fry bring Nibbler into the exam room. The vet has a tongue depressor) Well, who’s a cute little fella? Let's take a look at you! (Nibbler eats the depressor, barely missing the Vet's fingers. He then grabs one about 10 foot long and tries again) Yes, yes, I see the problem.

LEELA: what is it doctor? Is it SERIOUS?

VET: Nibbler has worms.

FRY: Oh, that's not so bad. My dog had those once... for five years.

VET: Oh, these aren't ORDINARY worms. Since Nibbler converts food into ultra dense dark matter, the worms have adapted too.

LEELA: Which means?

VET: Nibbler's worms make WORMHOLES. (Nibbler belches, and a wormhole forms)

LEELA: You mean this is a gateway to another part of the universe?

FRY: (points at the wormhole) Cool! Where's this one lead to? (Sticks his head through and comes out just above Lrr's toilet. Lrr is taking a bath)

LRR: Do you mind?

FRY: Oops! SORRY!

LEELA: Is there anything I can do?

VET: (hands Leela a medicine vial) Just give Nibbler these drops and everything should clear up in a day or two.


LATER, AT THE PLANET EXPRESS OFFICE...

(Nibbler is belching up a storm, and has filled the place with wormholes)

HERMES: Sweet wishing well of Esquivel!

PROFESSOR: According to my readings, some of these wormholes lead to worlds millions of light years from Earth.

HERMES: (steps through a wormhole with a package) Excuse me, is this Albertax 9?

COWBOY ALIEN: Why, yes, yes it is.

HERMES: Would you mind giving this package to Edmontonius The Oily?

COWBOY ALIEN: Sure, he lives a block away.

HERMES: (steps trough the wormhole back to Planet Express) We just saved a FORTUNE in spaceship fuel!

LEELA: I'm sorry about all the wormholes. The vet said this medicine will get rid of them.

PROFESSOR: (whispers to Hermes) Are YOU thinking what I'M thinking, Hermes?

HERMES: (whispers back) It depends. Are you wearing your THOUGHT CONTROLLING GLASSES again?

PROFESSOR: No, those are in the shop. The frames pinched my nose! But I AM thinking of switching Nibbler's medicine with placebos and keeping these money saving wormholes.

HERMES: (holds up a tin of 'Tic Tachyons' mints) Goodbye worm medicine, hello breath mints!


A FEW DAYS LATER...

(Planet Express is now packed full of wormholes.)

FRY: (looking through Leela amongst the wormholes) Leela?

LEELA: (Holding a sicker Nibbler) I'm over here, Fry. I don't know what's wrong. Nibbler's making more wormholes than ever! And his breath is so FRESH!

OCTOPUS MALE TOURIST: (comes through a wormhole) What a lovely planet. Do you mind if the wife and I look around? It'd be a wonderful vacation for us.

LEELA: Sure, knock yourself out!

OCTOPUS MALE TOURIST: (to Bender) Would you take our picture?

BENDER: Sure thing! (takes the camera and runs off) In fact, I'll take them all!

OCTOPUS FEMALE TOURIST: We've been robbed by a real live robot. Wait until I tell the girls at work!

PROFESSOR: Oh, hello, Bender! (introduces Cyborg of 'Teen Titans' and Seven of Nine of 'Star Trek Voyager') These cyborgs from two far off worlds say they'll do your job for half the pay and with only a third of the petty theft!

Fry is seen on another planet talking to a local running a visitor's booth...

KRYPTONIAN: You can't get a better deal on a time share property.

FRY: I don't know, this planet looks kinda explodey.


SOON...

(The Planet Express ship is seen in the back of the building, up on blocks.)

LEELA: Hey, why's the Planet Express ship up on blocks?

HERMES: With all the wormholes, it's redundant. We just don't need it anymore.

FRY: So why's BENDER up on blocks?

HERMES: Same reason.

FRY: Wow, Bender, you must really hate these wormholes?

BENDER: (lying down on the bricks. His arm is extended into the building) Are you kidding? I'm picking pockets in other galaxies without even moving

UNSEEN VICTIM: (from within a wormhole) HEY!

BENDER: (outside) -Heh heh!-

NIXON: (comes in carried by Agnew) Greetings, vote monkeys!

LEELA/HERMES/FRY/BENDER: AAAAH! PRESIDENT NIXON!

NIXON: Don't get your flowers in a bunch, pinkos! I'm here for a surprise inspection! (walks inside) WORMHOLES! Just like my insider told me!

PROFESSOR: What? We have a MOLE working here? Can you BELIEVE this, intern MOLEY McMOLEMAN?

MOLEY: (looks like an evil henchman) I'm shocked. Here's your coffee.

NIXON: This area has become an illegal immigration flood gate! We have to police it like any border.

FISHMAN: (a fish/man hybrid comes through a wormhole) Coming through, where are the jobs? I'll work for SCALE!

NIXON: Unfortunately, we have no more money in the budget for a border patrol. I spent it all on jowl wax.

FRY: Looks good.

LEELA: I agree.

BENDER: Money well spent.

NIXON: So I need someone to take the enormous responsibility for this intergalactic border, but with no pay or benefits. If you want the job, say YES!

FRY: No.

LEELA: No.

BENDER: No.

PROFESSOR: No.

HERMES: No.

SCRUFFY: Nope.

ZOIDBERG: (asleep on the table)


NIXON: Very well, that sea man-thing is in charge of immigration.

ZOIDBERG: (talking in his sleep) Prince Namor, I'm so FLATTERED! Asking me to the undersea prom? What an honor!


LATER...

(Zoidberg is in front of a long line of aliens coming to Earth)

ZOIDBERG: Welcome to Earth, you tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free. You, the huddled mass of collected unconsciousness, step forward for registration.

MORK: How long is this going to take?

ROBOT: According to my calculations, this line will take days to weeks!

MORK: SHAZBOT!

ZOIDBERG: Sorry about the long line, but what can I do about it?

ALIEN: How about we give you this food we brought with us, and you move us to the front of the line?

ZOIDBERG: -MMMMM!- Now THAT'S thinking outside of the lunchbox!

BENDER: (grabs the food and tosses it) How dare you?

ZOIDBERG: Bender! -Gasp!- You're right! I almost let myself be corrupted by power!

BENDER: Yeah, and for a few lousy sandwiches! That's no way to be a buyable Bureaucrat! (turns to the line of aliens) Listen up! Everyone write your bribes on a piece of paper and pass them up. I also take text messages and emails to 'zoidbribes@bendernet.gov' Now then, give me your rich, your huddled bank accounts, those yearning to breathe and who are willing to pay for it!


SOON...

BENDER: A bribe of four hundred quatloos? Welcome to Earth, newcomers!

ZOIDBERG: Bender, this doesn't seem right! I was once a poor immigrant like them!

BENDER: and now you're rich and on the take! It's every immigrant's dream! (turns to the aliens) Am I right?

BRAK: Yeah!

FNOG: He is correct!

BURNED ALIEN: I'll agree with anything as long as you let me in! My planet's covered in lava!

BENDER: (turns to Zoidberg) Look, take this money, go to a spa, and get one of those expensive seaweed wraps you're always yapping about!

ZOIDBERG: Well, I suppose a little kelp might be good for my pores!

LEELA: BENDER! You should be ASHAMED of yourself! Legal immigration is one of the cornerstones of our society!

BENDER: Aren't you a MUTANT pretending to be an ALIEN in order to live on the surface world LEGALLY?

LEELA: I'll be sitting quietly over here if anyone needs me.


SHORTLY...

ZOIDBERG: (is draped head to toe in seaweed) It was wonderful, they just kept draping me with the oldest sea grass and algae they had.

BENDER: I know, I can smell you, and I don't even have a nose.

GAZOO: -GAK!-

ALIEN: -CHOKE!-

NIXON: (on the large screen in the conference room. Agnew is holding him and giving the 'thumbs up) Greetings robot person and sea man-thing! I just wanted the headless body of Spiro Agnew to give you my thumbs up on your new anti-poverty immigration policy.

ZOIDBERG: Wow, a compliment form the President! I'm finally a big shot! No one's gonna boss ZOIGBERG around anymore!

FRY: (walks in holding his nose) Oh my God! What's that SMELL? It's like a dead marathon runner's foot hidden under a rotten egg factory.

ZOIDBERG: (snaps at Fry) Whoever knows sinus problems, BURNS at the stench of the SEA MAN -THING!

HOWARD THE DUCK: (runs of holding his bill) -WAAAGH!-


LATER...

LEELA: There's a bunch of angry protesters outside! You'd better come look!

ZOIDBERG: (to the aliens) We'll be right back!

BENDER: (to the aliens) And we're charging interest for the time we're gone!

(Outside is an angry mob holding signs like 'Earth for Earthers', and 'No more Aliens!')

WOMAN PROTESTER: Down with immigrants!

MAN PROTESTER: They're taking our jobs!

BENDER: So you don't want any more immigrants?

MAN PROTESTER: That's right!

BENDER: Well, that's too bad, because we just got some from a planet of SUPERMODELS! Come on out! (a male and two female supermodels come out, scantily clad) Should I send them back?

WOMAN PROTESTER: Yeah, send THAT GUY back to MY house!

MAN PROTESTER: (getting kissed) Okay, we're fine with immigrants. Is there anywhere we can recycle these signs?

TAURONIAN LEADER: (looks like a bull) People of Earth prepare to be conquered!

LEELA: NOW what?

BENDER: Oh, right. I forgot about the Tauronians!

FRY: the WHO?...

BENDER: It's cool. They bribed their way in, fair and square!

FRY: What do you want?

TAURONIAN LEADER: We plan to take whatever we want from Earth, kill most of your population with biological warfare, then bring in slaves to do our manual work for us.

FRY: That's despicable!

TAURONIAN LEADER: (hurt) What? We're just trying to fit in with your Earth customs. It's how this former country was founded.

FRY: (walks off) If anyone wants me, I'll be sitting quietly over there!

TAURONIAN LEADER: We will begin the genocide in ten of your Earth hours!

LEELA: Metric hours, or Imperial hours?

TAURONIAN LEADER: Enough talk! Time to prove we are serious! (he fires his gun into the air, hitting the Statue Of Liberty- removing it's arm and head, having them land in a sand bar, looking like 'Planet Of The Apes'. He then starts destroying many other Statue Of Libertys)

PROFESSOR: Oh no! They're destroying Statue Of Liberty island!

FRY: Those Maniacs! They blew it up! And blew that one up! And the other one, and so on...

ALIEN: Listen, can we hurry this up?

LEELA: Didn't you hear? We're facing genocide and enslavement!

HALF NAKED ALIEN: Still better than Andromeda in the winter.

FRY: Maybe we can just escape through one of those wormholes and live on one of THEIR worlds.

LEELA: We'll never get everyone on Earth through in time.

ALIEN: Yeah, and no planet's gonna let so many people from Earth in at once. You people are slobs and idiots who can't even take car of your own ozone layer. No offense. I still want to work here!

FRY: Wait, I've got an idea! It makes my head hurt a little, so it might be a good one! (jumps through a wormhole into Lrr's bathroom with Leela.) Sorry to bother you, oh mighty leader of Omicron Persei VIII.

LRR: (in the tub, trying to take a bath) For crying out loud! I have a doorbell you know!

LEELA: We were wondering if we could take a moment of your time.

LRR: We already have a religion. We're Orthodox Omnivores.

LEELA: We were wondering if we could interest you in invading Earth!

FRY: (setting up a projector) We brought a film!

LRR: Very well, but as leader of this world I demand popcorn, a soda, and the right to upgrade to a large size for only twenty five cents more!

FRY: Agreed!


(A film starts- 'WHY INVADE EARTH?' A Fry and Leela Joint)

LEELA: (dressed in a green bathrobe, a pot on her head, and holding a toilet plunger 'sceptre') I'm a galactic Dictator, feared and respected by all. But I'm not happy. Why?

FRY: (wearing a cardboard box with gears on it, and a colander on his head) Maybe you should date more! I'm free on Saturday.

LEELA: Fry, this isn't the time or the place!

FRY: Well, maybe if you're unhappy, you just haven't conquered the right planet yet. (holds up a globe) Look at Earth! It's got water, mountains, and this metal loop around half of it.

LEELA: Wow, if I invaded Earth, the other Galactic Despots would be SO jealous!

FRY: Well... act now! Someone's bound to snap this world up soon, and you'll be stuck with Mars or Jupiter.

LEELA: A gas giant? Not me. The guys at work will have a field day with fart jokes!

TAURONIAN LEADER: (from the other side of the wormhole) I'M invading Earth TODAY!

LRR: Your film has won me over, but the soda was flat and the popcorn lacked sufficient salt. I give your presentation three stars out of five! Now... PREPARE TO BE INVADED!


SOON, BACK ON EARTH...

TAURONIAN LEADER: Your ten hours are up!

PASSERBY #1: that was only FIVE! (gets shot and disintegrates)

PASSERBY #2: No, you're right! It was ten!

TAURONIAN LEADER: What are YOU doing here?

LRR: We're here to conquer Earth.

PIG SNOUT ALIENS: So are WE! We were given a very effective sales pitch.

TOTEM POLE ALIENS: Us too!

FAIRY ALIENS: Same here!

LRR: All right, what's the big idea? You said Earth was ripe for invasion!

LEELA: It is. But to take it, you'll have to fight each other. And with all the nuclear and super-nuclear weapons you possess, Earth will be left a lifeless husk.

TAURONIAN LEADER: (thinks) So if we fight, all we could really win is a planet of lifeless ash?

FRY: Yep, so it's not worth your while and you should go back to...

TAURONIAN LEADER: I'm fine with an ash world.

LRR: Might be the one place my wife would let me come to smoke!

FRY/LEELA: (look at each other nervously) -GULP!-

GREEN ALIEN: Well, and ash planet isn't what WE were looking for. I'm taking my bribe and going home.

GRAY ALIEN: Same here!

BENDER: No, wait! Come back with my swag!

ZOIDBERG: Zoidberg has nothing again, and I've helped destroy Earth. That's going to look horrible on my next job application!

HERMES: (hands Lrr some papers) Speaking of applications...!

LRR: What's THIS?

HERMES: Standard Invasion forms from the Intergalactic Central Bureaucracy. Just fill them out in triplicate, we'll process them, and THEN you can start invading!

LRR: (looks at the papers) I'd like to get my layer to look at this.

PIG SNOUT ALIEN: Same here.

HERMES: Of course, just fax them to the head office when you're ready! (all the aliens go back to their respective homes through the wormholes)

LEELA: How long will processing take?

HERMES: Knowing the bureaucratic system the way I do, I'd say everything should be ready in about six hundred years.

NIXON: (pops up from behind the couch w/ Agnew) I was just cowering behind the couch and heard everything. Hermes Conrad, you've saved Earth temporally! Is there anything we can do to pay you back?

HERMES: Well...

(A deportation shuttle is seen leaving Earth. Inside we see among the passengers is Marvin the Martian, George Jetson, Jabba The Hut and Zoidberg)

ZOIDBERG: Wow, a free vacation! Zoidberg, you're back on top again!

MORK: (in a caption bubble) Shazbot! That's the end!

Buddies