Comic Transcripts

Transcribed by dinkdrinker







ZOIDBERG: I have some very bad news. The Professor is a VEGETABLE!

LEELA: (pointing to the professor failing to water a plant, but pouring water on the floor) No he's not. He's right here.


CUBERT: (carrying in a huge carrot with Dwight. The carrot has the Professor's face on it) He's referring to the genetically modified carrot Dwight and I made, using a sample of Dad's DNA.

DWIGHT: It's for our school Science Fair.

HERMES: You boys are meddling in GOD'S domain.

BENDER: It's blasphematastic!

FRY: I remember MY first Science Fair! I made a volcano. Then a bully made me eat the baking soda and vinegar. On the bright side, my human volcano came in third place, and I got a gift certificate for a small drink at the corner deli.

BENDER: (patting Fry's shoulder) On the even BRIGHTER side, that bully's long since dead!

PROFESSOR: It's good looking all right, but let me aim this AWARD PREDICTOR at it. (aims it at the carrot) This says your carrot is going to get second place! Silver! The most SHAMEFUL of medals!

CUBERT: (carries off the carrot with Dwight) Sorry, Dad, we'll try again!

PROFESSOR: I should hope so. I can't melt down silver for my Death Ray. I need GOLD, confound it!

The boys toss the carrot into the dumpster out back. A Rabbit comes up sniffing it, only to be attacked by the carrot.


FRY: I'm gonna watch 'Head Of The Class: The Motion Picture', starring the heads of the original cast!

BENDER: Didn't you rent that weeks ago?

FRY: Yeah, but the video place has no late fees, so it doesn't matter when I bring it back.

HERMES: Sweet emu of Saint Andrew! THE ROBOT MAFIA! (the Robot Mafia bursts through a metal door)

DONBOT: Which of youz has the tardy return habits?

CLAMPS: I'LL find out, boss. Just give me five minutes with one o' them and my CLAMPS!

FRY: But there's no late fees!

JOEY: Dat's right! Instead, the store hires US to 'PERSUADE' ya to get your movie back on time!

FRY: And if I don't wanna? (gets beaten up)

DONBOT: Pleasure doin' business with youz.

CLAMPS: Remember, Tuesdays are two-for-one rental night!

FRY: Moan! Do you now where the Professor keeps his clamp salve?

BENDER: Fry, you're a chump! You don't need to rent movies. I've pirated every movie ever made and have them all on this disc! (holds up a disc)

FRY: But doesn't that hurt the film industry? (gets his ass clamped by Clamps) OW! What was THAT for?

CLAMPS: You didn't rewind your DVD!

FRY: But you don't REWIND DVDs!

CLAMPS: You do if you don't want the clamps! (clamps Fry's ass again)

FRY: YOW! (turns to Bender) You've convinced me.

BENDER: Well, let's get you started for a low daily fee! Just give me all your credit cards!

FRY: (hands Bender his credit cards) Okay, but remember, you maxed them all out the LAST time you stole them!

DWIGHT: (sneaking into the Professor's lab with Cubert) I feel weird sneaking into the Professor's lab.

CUBERT: Would you feel better loosing the Science Fair? We just need to find that special SOMETHING to make our entry perfect!

DWIGHT: (reaches into a container labeled 'PYM PARTICLES') What's this? (shrinks rapidly, and ends up in a diner filled with the Micronauts)

BUG: SO -tik- what can I get ya? The special is short ribs, shortcake, and -tik- microbrew lager.

Cubert sprays something out of a can, and Dwight returns to normal size.

DWIGHT: Ow! Ow! Growing pains! What did you spray on me?

CUBERT: Something dad invented. The label says it makes things bigger. He calls it 'BIGAMIST'!

DWIGHT: Giant vegetables! That'll be AWESOME!

CUBERT: I'll go get the turnips!

AMY: Has anyone seen my hairspray? Dr. Zoidberg, you better not have taken it again! (sees the boys with the spray can) Oh, there it is! (grabs it and sprays it all over her head)

CUBERT: No, wait!

AMY: I don't have TIME to wait! Kif'll be here any second! (the doorbell rings) That's him! It's the one year anniversary of the first time he got the nerve to ask me out! (opens the door) Hello? Kif? Is that you in the bushes?

KIF: Oh, er... um... hello. Sorry, I'm still a little nervous around you!

AMY: Come on, Kif, I'm not that scary, am I?

KIF: Well, er... that is... are you wearing heels? You seem taller?

AMY: Nope.

KIF: Good news. We have all night. Captain Brannigan went on an all-night eggnog drinking binge. He'll be passed out for the weekend.


TV: Prepare to be boarded! Attack them at forty-five degree angles! Oh no! Not the Pirates of the Pythagorean!

FRY: You're right, Bender, this is way better than going to rent movies. This is still in theaters! -Yawn- That concussion I got from my beating is making me sleepy. I'm gonna hit the hay!

BENDER: Bah! Sleep is for the weak! Passing out from drinking on the other hand! THAT'S a different stor-- (Bender passes out, only to be woken by the TV, still playing movies)

TV: This is the police! Surrender, pirate! We have you surrounded!

BENDER: Huh? What!? (jumps and hides behind the couch)

TV: You can't hide from the law, pirate!

BENDER: They know about my pirated disc! Only one thing to do... (Jumps up, takes the disc out of the player and eats it) Ha! I just digested every movie made! Try and get THAT evidence, coppers! And the best part is, there seems to be no physical consequences to my actions! (Belches. Suddenly, he thinks he is George Bailey from 'It's A Wonderful Life'... running through the streets of NNY...) Merry Christmas, you old Building and Loan! Merry Christmas, you old Ragnar's Human Rind factory!


Kif and Amy ate at the movies...

MOVIE: Prepare to be boarded! Attack them at forty-five degree angles!

KIF: You want me to get MORE popcorn?

AMY: I know. I've already had five buckets, but I've still got the munchies!

ROBOT: Excuse me pal, can you tell Gigantor to move? (points to Amy) None of us can see!

KIF: Now see here. There's no need to be rude!

ROBOT: (dumps a soda on Kif) And what are YOU gonna do about it, small fry?

AMY: (jumps up- she is now a full foot taller than Kif) GRRRRRR! (Amy throws people out of the theater) HA! I showed THEM! Amy is the strongest one there is!

KIF: Er... Amy? How do I put this? Have you gotten... bigger?

AMY: (bites her lip, and starts sobbing) You think Amy's FAT!

KIF: No... no! Forget I said anything!

Back at Robot Arms...

Fry hears a tapping at the window.

FRY: (wakes up to see Bender at the window dressed as Peter Pan) What up, Bender?

BENDER: It's me! Peter Pan! Come, lost boy! All you have to do is believe you can fly!

FRY: Really? Well, it's not that I don't trust you... well, actually I don't., but...

BENDER: Off to Neverland! (jumps and falls into a dumpster)

FRY: (comes running out the back of the building) Bender! Are you all right?

BENDER: (comes around the corner in an old Pontiac Trans Am, thinking he's in 'Smokey And The Bandit') Hop in, Snowman! Smokey's on my tail!

FRY: Where'd you get the cool car and mustache?

BENDER: No time to talk, good buddy! We gotta get this case of beer to Atlanta!

FRY: (looks) But there are no cops behind us, Bender! But there is one in front of us!

URL: (bending over) WOW! A bright shiny quarter. Looks like it's Officer Url's lucky day. Oh, baby! (the car hits Url like a ramp and is shot through the air) Huh?

BENDER: YA-HOOOOO! (drives towards 'Malfunctioning Eddie's Old-time Gas Station)

FRY: JUMP! (a huge explosion destroys the station) Bender! Bender! Say something!

BENDER: (with an umbrella dancing around a pole singing) I'm singing in the oil! Just singing in the oil! The flames are heating it to a simmering boil!


Amy is now two and a half times the size of Kif.

ELZAR: Sorry, I know you got a reservation, but your gal's a bit too zaftig to fit in the door!

AMY: (rips a hole in the roof and lets herself in) Amy want food!

ELZAR: (now back inside) Here's a menu!

AMY: Yes!

ELZAR: Yes to what?

AMY: Yes, Amy want everything!

KIF: (checks his wallet) -gulp!- I'll just have a glass of water and some free bread sticks.

ELZAR: (on the phone) Hey, kids, it's your dad! Pack your bags! You're all going to college! BAM!

Fry is seen running down the street with Bender on his back. Bender thinks he is Yoda...

FRY: Bender, you're acting weird. Does this have anything to do with your pirated movies? -pant!- Try and remember!

BENDER: No. Try not. Do... or DO NOT. There IS no try.

FRY: -gasp!- -wheeze!-

BENDER: (jumps off and belches. He picks up a garbage can) Remember, Fry, always do the right thing. (throws the garbage can through a store window)

FRY: Hey, you're looting again! The old Bender's back! That's a nice looking chainsaw! Well, let's go home! (Bender puts on a mask and starts chasing Fry with the chainsaw) YAAAAH!


ELZAR: (struggling with a calculator printer) Great having you here. It'll just take the printer a few more minutes to bam out your bill!

AMY: Amy want to see romantic sunset!

KIF: Yes... I'm just online trying to get a loan to cover the bill. Maybe I can convince my mother to mortgage her house...

AMY: (grabs Kif and leaves through the hole in the roof) Amy want to see sunset NOW!

KIF: Oh dear!

ELZAR: Dine and dash on ME, will ya? (turns to a waiter) Frank, get Mayor Poopenmeyer on the phone! He owes me a favor!

AMY: Too many buildings! Can't see sunset!

KIF: (now the size of a doll compared to Amy, being held in her arm) Oh well, nothing we can do. (Amy starts to climb a building) YAAAAA! Oh no, I'm terrified of heights. And giants. And dating. This is worse then the day I had to scrape Brannigan's...

AMY: (now at the top of the building) LOOK!

KIF: (sees the sunset) Oh my... it's BEAUTIFUL. But not nearly as beautiful as YOU, Amy. I don't care WHAT size you are. There's just more to love.

AMY: Kif kiss Amy now! (Amy and Kif do kiss, only to be interrupted by Bender, flying an old bi-plane and firing a machine gun at them)

BENDER: I have you now, Kong!

AMY: (swings at Bender) GUH!

BENDER: Hey, no fair fighting back!

KIF: Amy... NO! (Amy looses her balance and falls)


KIF: NOOOOOOO! (Now on the ground, he walks up to Bender who just landed the plane) You killed the only woman I ever loved!

BENDER: No, it was BEAUTY killed the beast. Beauty and gravity.

FRY: She's Okay! She got caught on a flag pole! (Amy is hanging off the flag pole by her panties. She manages to get down unhurt)

MAYOR POOPENMEYER: Amy Wong, you're under arrest for meal payment evasion! I've got no choice but to bring in our secret security force.

FRY: Oh my gosh! You guys really exist! The New New York Giants!

NNY GIANT: You can't possibly think you can fight all THREE of us!


The street is demolished, cars are smashed, buildings down, and three giants are unconscious.


MAYOR POOPENMEYER: (face palms) My city! Aw, this is going to come out of my salary!

KIF: THAT'S it. We need to stop Amy before she really gets hurt!

BENDER: There's trouble? Sounds like someone needs THE THING!

FRY: Which Thing ARE you? The John Carpenter Thing? The Addams Family Thing?


FRY: Oh, the Fantastic Four Thing! Well check it out! (points to Kif and himself) It's me, the Human Torch, and this is Mr Fantastic.

BENDER: You shouldn't be out. Here, let me set you on fire again! (takes out a lighter)

FRY: No! No! I'm good! (points at Amy) It's our old enemy, Galactus! We need to stop him!

BENDER: He looks SEXIER than I remember!

KIF: (has his feet and hands wrapped around two power line poles, and is stretched back across the street. Bender is sitting in his lap) -Oof!- I hope you know what you're doing. You're the SMART one at Planet Express, right?

FRY: It's the old Fantastic Four slingshot bit. Just hold on tight!

BENDER: (being slung through the air, hitting Amy in the back of the head) Sweet Aunt Petunia!

KIF: Ohh, I'll feel that in the morning! (Amy falls to the ground) Amy! Are you okay? Oh please be all right!

FRY: She's shrinking. Whatever made her big is wearing off.

AMY: (now normal size) Kif, where AM I? Did we have our date? And are you taller?

KIF: Amy! Oh yes we did. Though I may need you to pay for dinner this time!

SPIELBOT: (across the street) Will you guys keep it down? We're trying to shoot a movie here!

CALCULON: You tell them, Mr. Spielbot!

FRY: We're sorry. Our friend just went on a rampage through the city and...

SPIELBOT: (shoves Fry) I don't care! Just shut up and get lost!

BENDER: (punches Spielbot) No one talks to my gal Adrian like that! (starts singing) It's the eye of the tiger. It's the thrill of the fight... (starts knocking out Calculon and the film crew)

FRY: Bender... NO! I mean... ROCKY! Yer a bum!

BENDER: Hey, I ain't no bum! I... (suddenly comes to his senses) Fry... what have I DONE? Oh man, it really is true... (looks over the film crew and actors lying around groaning in agony) Video piracy really does end up hurting people in the film industry.


DWIGHT: (showing a video of Amy destroying the city at the school) And so, Amy had to pay for her dinner and fixing the city. It cost her one week's allowance from her parents.

SCIENCE TEACHER: And what has this got to do with science?

CUBERT: It shows the dangers of making kids do science fair projects. Amy wouldn't have gotten big if we weren't trying to win this thing.

SCIENCE TEACHER: Good point! You win the science fair! (hands Cubert and Dwight the first place ribbon)

PROFESSOR: Oh, Cubert, I'm the least ashamed I've ever been of you!

SCIENCE TEACHER: In fact, these boys have taught us the dangers of science! I declare from this day forward no more science will be taught in school!

MAGICIAN: Yes! Finally MAGIC will have it's day in the classroom!

LEELA: I hope you two learned your lesson about the dangers of video bootlegging.

BENDER: We sure did. Movies are an art form and the creators should be respected. From now on I'm only illegally downloading comic books. (shoves a 'Roswell' comic in his mouth, and points to a list of websites) And here are a few sites to download comics from. Remember, if you don't see the person you're stealing from, that makes it okay.

CUBERT: (In a caption bubble) Another preposterous ending!