ZOIDBERG: (dressed in tattered clothes and garbage, with a mask tied to his face) Attention all do badders! Beware the pinch of justice! Beware THE CLAW!
Fry, Leela, and Bender are sitting behind a desk as the New Justice Team, and are voting 'Yes' or 'No'. All three vote 'no'.
FRY: Sorry, Dr. Zoidberg, but you're not what we're looking for in the New Justice Team.
BENDER: Yeah, we're looking for someone GOOD.
ZOIDBERG: Wait! Wait! Not so fast! Let me show you the awesome power of the Claw's CLAWS! Now just pretend to be mugging this pretty lady.
LEELA: Pretty? Well, maybe we should give him one more chance.
FRY: Okay... Gimme all your money, toots!
ZOIDBERG: Unhand her! (a loud 'SNAP!' is heard, and Bender's head is off)
BENDER: NEXT! (Bender is shown to have been 'dreaming', as his eyes are closed) My neck! My beautiful neck! NOOOOOOO!
FRY: Bender! Bender! Wake up!
BENDER: Quit shaking me! Oh wait, I was making a martini. KEEP shaking me!
FRY: I thought you were dreaming.
BENDER: Nope, I was just remembering when we were all superheroes for some reason.
FRY: (looks in the back of Bender's head, and a card sticking out) Is that a new flash memory card?
BENDER: Yeah, just got it... helps me when I'm counting cards.
FRY: It says 'FLASHBACK MEMORY CARD' on the side.
BENDER: THAT explains it. I gotta pay more attention when I'm stealing stuff.
FRY: I wish I could remember more of our superhero adventures, but the tube of miracle cream that gave us our powers listed memory loss as one of it's side effects.
BENDER: I could project the memory of the New Justice Team onto the wall if ya want.
FRY: You can? I wish I could remember more of our superhero adventures, but the tube of miracle cream that gave us our powers listed memory loss as one of it's side effects.
BENDER: Just shut up and watch! (projects the memory on the wall)
LEELA: (welding Bender's head back on) There! Your head shouldn't be falling off any time soon, Super King.
BENDER: Thanks! Man, I wish someone good would try out for the team, but we've only had two lame applicants!
LEELA: (sits back behind the desk behind her 'Clobberella' name plate) NEXT!
CLAMPS: Hey, the name's CLAMPS.
FRY: And what's YOUR special power?
CLAMPS: What's my power? What's my special POWER? GUESS! (smashes diamonds and cuts beams)
FRY: Fantastic! Welcome to the New Justice Team.
CLAMPS: ('shakes'- crushes, really- Fry's hand) Whoa! Whoa! New JUSTICE Team? I was looking for THE SUPER ROBOT INJUSTICE SOCIETY!
LEELA: (Escorts Clamps outside and shows him a building that looks like The Legion Of Doom) It's right next door.
CLAMPS: Thanks, suckers!
LEELA: It creeps me out having that place in the neighborhood.
PROFESSOR: Yes, yes, but it helps keep the rent down!
FRY: Hey? Why's it so bright? Is it daylight savings time already?
LEELA: Wait, didn't one of our old villains make it daytime at night? Darn this miracle cream's memory loss side effects.
BENDER: I wish I could remember more clearly, but that would take some sort of FLASHBACK MEMORY CARD!
SON OF THE SUN (SOTS): Greetings, Super Chumps! Hot enough for you?
FRY: I remember you! You're the Human Sun!
SOTS: No! He was my father, and you put him in jail! I'm... THE SON OF THE SUN! (flashes brightly)
FRY: (shields his eyes) GAAAH! The heat!
LEELA: I'm hot blooded. Wrist analyzer, check me and see.
LEELA'S WRIST-THINGY: You have a fever of a hundred and three!
BENDER: (starting to smolder) My solar batteries are overloading! Curse you, Al Gore! Your advice on eco-friendly alternatives has doomed us all!
HERMES: (comes running outside) Wait! Wait!
SOTS: What? What?
HERMES: According to the Arnold Drake statute on Superheroic Battles, the new Super villains are required by law to give their secret origins.
SOTS: -sigh- FINE! (flashback) You fought my father, The Human Sun!
HUMAN SUN: (holding bags of money stolen from a bank) No one can stop me! Not even The New Justice Team!
SOTS: But he wasn't very good at it.
FRY: Stop you from doing what? You just burned up all the money!
HUMAN SUN: (looks to see he set the money on fire) What? CURSES!
LEELA: It's CLOBERELLAING TIME! (knocks out the Human Sun)
SOTS: I grew up in my father's fortress on the sun, isolated from all others.
HUMAN SUN: (serving his son breakfast) Drink your juice. A day without orange juice is like a day without sunshine.
SOTS: He taught me the ways of crime and would never permit even the smallest shadow in the fortress.
HUMAN SUN: (tucking his son in bed, which is surrounded by many lights) Good day! Sleep tight! Have evil dreams! (flashback ends)
LEELA: So we put him in jail, and you want to free him.
SOTS: (thinks) No, we never really got along. But that doesn't mean I won't still have my revenge on you and this world! I've created five miniature suns to orbit the earth, creating permanent daylight and global super-heating! HA HA HA!
BENDER: A few more suns, what's the big deal? (suddenly confused owls start flying around)
FRY: Ow! The owls!
LEELA: The daylight at night is freaking them out!
on the news...
LINDA: Seventy-five percent of earth's population are experiencing first degree sunburns. The other twenty-five percent don't have skin.
MORBO: Morbo spoke with President Nixon about the impending total destruction of this weak pathetic world!
NIXON: Oh no, you're not fooling me with this global warming jazz again! It's all nonsense!
ROBOT REPORTER: What about the White House bushes bursting into flame?
ALEIN REPORTER: And your water boiling?
NIXON: It's all anecdotal evidence made up by the environ-mental cases and eco-pinkos to further their freedom hating agendas! Does anyone else smell lobster?
FRY: Looks like it's up to us to save the day, New Justice Team!
BENDER: (smoking a cigar and sitting on the couch) Yeah, if it's all the same to you, I think I'll sit this one out!
LEELA: Okay, but when we save the world there'll be a lot of high paying endorsement deals. I mean who wouldn't want the face of the hero that saved the world on their cereal box?
FRY: Or their malt liquor bottle. So, what do you say, Bender? Bender? (Bender is gone. Leela and Fry run outside to see Bender holding SOTS with one hand, and threatening to punch him)
BENDER: What took you guys so long?
SOTS: How did you know I was dropping by to taunt you some more?
BENDER: Enough yapping! Time for some iron fisted action! (Takes a swing at SOTS. His fist melts just before it touches him. He gets thrown into the air) Join in any time, guys!
LEELA: You can't burn us. Our skin is super tough!
SOTS: I'm assuming you have super senses, too? (flashes brightly) Which means your eye is super sensitive to light!
FRY: (closes his eyes) No problem. I can beat you with my eyes closed!
SOTS: And what about your brain?
FRY: I can beat you with my brain closed to!
SOTS: But how much heat can it take?
FRY: Hey! He's gone! We DID it! We WON! Right, Leela? (looks around to see what looks eerily like McDonaldland, complete w/ Grimace, Hamburglar, Fryguys, Apple pie trees... Leela looks like Mayor McCheese, and Bender like a large shake) Oh, excuse me delicious food people! Have you seen a robot and a sexy cyclops go by here?
LEELA: Fry, I think you have sunstroke!
FRY: Aw, you're a nice cheeseburger to care about me!
FRY: I'm just a little thirsty. I'll be fine after I drink this tasty milkshake. (Fry is seen standing on a tree stump behind the 'shake'. He is in fact standing on an old crate behind Bender, with 'Little Bender' in his mouth, sucking away)
BENDER: Uh... Fry?
FRY: Yes, Vanilla Shake?
BENDER: (embarrassed and trembling) Please stop doing that. And let's never speak of this again.
SOTS: HA HA HA! You're hilarious! I'm going to let you all die last!
FRY: Thank you! What a nice guy!
A FEW DAYS LATER...
LINDA: (has a mini hand held fan and is sweating) Earth's lakes have evaporated, and it looks like the oceans are not far behind. Citizens are asked to help shelter the now homeless fish. (Hattie is shown fighting off a shark jumping out of her bath tub)
LEELA: It's been days since we were able to take a shower!
FRY: Yeah, it's getting close to the point where it'll even effect my bi-monthly bath!
BENDER: (points to a tub full of fish) Worse than that, I've got no place to make my bathtub gin!
ZOIDBERG: (staring in the toilet) Does anyone mind if I have a few of the toilet shrimp?
HERMES: (being choked by an octopus in the kitchen sink) You've got to do something, mon!
AMY: Yeah, go save the world, will you? My skin's getting as old and dry looking as Leela's.
LEELA: Lucky for us, the miracle cream not only makes us super strong and invulnerable, but it fights dry skin!
AMY: Can I have some?
LEELA: (smirking) No.
FRY: The Son of The Sun's fortress is on the surface of the sun.
BENDER: We could get there, but there's no way we could leave the ship.
PROFESSOR: Good news, everyone! I may be able to help! (shows them what looks like an air conditioner on a robot's body) This is the NIMBUS 50000, a supercharged, portable air conditioner.
LEELA: What's it do?
PROFESSOR: It protects everything and everyone around it with a cool arctic breeze up to a distance of twenty feet.
FRY: And if we walk PAST twenty feet?
PROFESSOR: You'll burn out faster than a Flock of Seagull's music career! Now go save the world or don't come back!
BENDER: Why not?
PROFESSOR: Because Earth will be as lifeless as a Kraftwerk album!
HERMES: I think the heat's giving you an irrational hatred of 1980's bands, Professor.
PROFESSOR: (shakes his fist) From Hell's heart, I stab at thee, Duran Duran!
LEELA: We're approaching the sun! What's our status, Captain Yesterday?
FRY: Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun. And I say... it's all right to land!
LEELA: (now on the surface) Now remember, keep within twenty feet of the Nimbus 50000. Our anti gravity boot insoles will allow us to walk on thew surface of the sun.
BENDER: There's the fortress!
FRY: Brrrr! It's cold in here! I'm just gonna step outside for a second to warm up.
LEELA: FRY! NO! (fry bursts into flames and becomes a small pile of ash. Leela starts crying) Oh, Fry!
BENDER: Old buddy! Don't cry, Leela. We'll find some other simple-minded kid, raise him as our own, and call him FRY II.
LEELA: What the...!? (Fry regenerates as soon as the air conditioner gets in range)
FRY: (covering himself) What up? (looks at Leela) Aw, man, why am I always the one who ends up naked?
LEELA: (holds the tube of miracle cream) The miracle cream healing factor saved you. Look, here on the side. 'Works on even the driest skin'.
FRY: Got a spare costume I could use?
BENDER: (pulls one out of himself) Sure, for one hundred bucks.
FRY: Can I borrow a hundred bucks?
BENDER: Okay, but I'll need to use the costume as collateral.
Inside the Son of The Sun's fortress...
LEELA: Okay, we can leave the air conditioner outside. The fortress seems climate controlled. Now be very quiet. He won't be expecting a sneak attack.
SUN SPOT 1: Greetings! The master has been expecting your sneak attack!
FRY: Who are you?
SUN SPOT 1: We are the Sun spots. The master's loyal guards!
LEELA: Split up and run!
SUN SPOT 1: FREEZE!
SUN SPOT 2: THAT'S pretty ironic.
SUN SPOT 1: What?
SUN SPOT2: Saying 'FREEZE'.
SUN SPOT 1: How so?
SUN SPOT 2: We're on the surface of the sun... the hottest place in the solar system.
SUN SPOT1: Oh I get it! Ha ha! That IS ironic!
SOTS: While you were talking, I caught them all myself! You're both FIRED!
SUN SPOT 2: Fired? That's ironic too.
SUN SPOT 1: How so?
SUN SPOT 2: Again being in such a hot environment the term 'fired' seems...
SOTS: Hey, kids! What time is it? Time to rise and shine! (The New Justice Team is tied down on a huge sun dial) Behold, my REVERSE SUNDIAL!
BENDER: I'm sure it's great, but I can't really see it while I'm tied down. Maybe if you loosened these titanium cables...
SOTS: Oh, soon they'll be loose enough... when they've melted! You see, sundials normally cast SHADOWS, but mine casts SOLAR LIGHT with 5,785 degree Kelvin heat!
FRY: What's that in Fahrenheit?
BENDER: How about Celsius?
SOTS: It's 'KILL YOU ALL INSTANTLY' in Fahrenheit, and 'OBLITERATE YOU ON CONTACT' in Celsius! Does that help?
BENDER: Well, there's no need for that kind of sarcasm.
SOTS: And now, I leave you to your fiery demise! The rest of your planet will soon follow but not before they know the true joy of constant never-ending daylight!
LEELA: You sound like you really hate the night time.
SOTS: You're just stalling.
LEELA: No really. Are you afraid of the dark?
SOTS: Maybe. My father kept me in constant light. The dark is creepy. You can't see anything, and that's scary.
LEELA: But it's so peaceful at night! Soothing and restful.
SOTS: (moping) I wouldn't know. I've always slept with dozens of lights on... or at least TRIED to sleep. The most I get a night is an hour or two. It makes me so cranky and evil.
FRY: And the dark's ROMANTIC. Nighttime's when girls can't see what you look like very well, and so they're more likely to kiss you.
SOTS: Hmmm... I always wanted a girlfriend. It's so lonely with just the sun spots. I don't even know what sex they are, and I really don't want to ask.
BENDER: And night's the best time to STEAL stuff!
SOTS: (thinking) Romance, theft, and a good night's sleep? Maybe I've been wrong about the dark. Maybe I've been wrong about A LOT of things.
Inside the New New York Sun Nightclub...
SOTS: You guys were right! Nighttime is AWESOME! Thanks for letting me know!
FRY: And thanks for not killing us with your cool death trap!
BENDER: And for inviting us to the opening of your NEW NIGHTCLUB!
SOTS: Well, I had all my dad's crime money in the fortress, and it was burning a hole in my pocket. I thought... why not spend it on something fun?
Outside of the nightclub...
SUN SPOT 2: You know, it's ironic that they call us 'bouncers'.
SUN SPOT 1: How so?
SUN SPOT 2: We're BALLS.
NIXON: See, I told you everything would work out on it's own! Don't skimp on that burn salve, Agnew!
SECRET SERVICE AGENT: Sir, the head of Ann Coulter wants to know if you'd like to dance.
NIXON: Would I? ARRROOOO!
FRY: And so the world is saved, thanks to the New Justice Team! (the memory being projected on the wall ends)
FRY: (dejected) I miss being a superhero.
BENDER: Are you thinking what I'M thinking?
Fry and Bender are seen as Captain Yesterday and Super King, beating up bank robbers)
FRY: Take THAT, terrorist bank robber!
ROBBER: But how else will we fund our hate-filled plots? (It is revealed that they are actually playing a video game of themselves)
HERMES: Hey, you two! Put down those video game controllers and get to scrubbing the Planet Express Ship! (Bender and Fry are seen angrily cleaning the ship)
HERMES: (comes in the room to reveal they are playing a simulation of themselves cleaning the ship) Hey, you two! Put down those Video game controllers, stop playing the spaceship scrubbing simulation game, and get back to scrubbing the Planet Express Ship! (Bender and Fry are once again seen angrily cleaning the ship)
SUN SPOT 2: Hey, you know why THAT'S ironic?
SUN SPOT 1: Aw, shut up!