Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #36: You Don't Know Jak!
Transcribed by Umbreon

IAN BOOTHBY – SCRIPT

MIKE KAZALEH – PENCILS

ANDREW PEPOY - INKS

NATHAN HAMILL – COLORS

KAREN BATES – LETTERS

BILL MORRISON - EDITOR


Fry and Bender stand at the conference table, a robotic parrot with Xs for eyes lying on it's side in front of them

FRY: This parrot is dead.

BENDER: It's not dead. It's just resting! See? You just gotta flip this switch on its back.

Bender flicks the switch and the parrot comes to life with a 'caw!'

PROFESSOR: Enough of your jibber jabbering! You need to get this shipment of robot parrots to the planet of New England by inter-galactic noon!

Leela is pushing a hover-dolly with a box on it labeled 'quality parrots'.

LEELA: We're on our way, Professor!

BENDER: (with the parrot now on his shoulder) Arrr! Aye, aye, cap'n!

The ship takes off.

AMY: (scoffs) Why do they always get to go on exciting adventures while WE'RE stuck here?

ZOIDBERG: (scrubbing the floor) I agree! Dr. Zoidberg was meant for bigger things!

HERMES: It's true that the division of BORING WORK and COOL SPACE ADVENTURES has been unfair for a while now. And I LIKE boring work.

PROFESSOR: You know, Hermes, you're right! That's a valid complaint!

HERMES: It is?

PROFESSOR: (turns to walk away) And as the person who deals with complaints, I want you to file that one with yourself as soon as possible!

Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg sigh.

On the ship, Bender is chasing around the robot parrot that has one of his eyes in its mouth.

FRY: So what's the deal with this New England planet? They have oceans of clam chowder or what?

LEELA: No, that's NEW New England!

Fry grabs the hover-dolly and they walk down the stairs to the street.

LEELA: New England was founded by robot servants who rebelled against their British masters.

ROBOT: 'Ello gov'nor!

FEMBOT: Pip pip, 'eh wot?

BENDER: Yeah, they built this world to be their vision of what they wanted England to be!

A robot in a black suit and bowler hat shows up, his limbs pointing at odd angles.

ROBOT: (points at the box) Are those the parrots? You're almost late! Follow me!

BENDER: That's a pretty silly walk you got there, pal!

ROBOT: Is it? I'd better tighten my torso. *he takes a large wrench and tightens his hip* Yes, that's better.

FRY: (turns the dolly) So, where do you want these?

ROBOT: Manual will take them! Manual!

A robot that looks like a large book runs up.

MANUAL: Sí?

ROBOT: Take those birds to the aviary!

MANUAL: Qué?

ROBOT: *facepalms* Oh, why didn't I pay for your translation program?

FRY: I had the same problem when I accidentally bought a Spanish version of Worlds of Warcraft.

ROBOT: (shakes his fists at Fry) We don't talk about the Warcraft!

Bender, Leela, and Fry walk away, passing a shop called 'All things great & rechargeable pet shop'. A sign in the window reads 'SPECIAL! Clockwork kittens'.

BENDER: Nice guy!

LEELA: Seemed to have some FAWLTY programming!

When they get back to the ship, they find it surrounded by holographic police tape.

POLICE-BOT: 'Ello 'ello! No crossing the holographic police tape, love!

LEELA: What happened?

POLICE-BOT: It's tragic. A young robot's 'ad 'er memory erased by 'e who shall not be named.

A blue-ish fembot wearing a green dress and boots lies in front of the Planet Express ship.

FRY: Voldemort?

POLICE-BOT: What? No! Are you dim or something?

FRY: Maybe.

POLICE-BOT: This was the work of JAK THE RIPPER!

BENDER: New London's most notorious serial deleter? But I thought he was just a LEGEND!

POLICE-BOT: I wish 'e were, lad.

LEELA: When can we get to our ship?

POLICE-BOT: When we've caught Jak. Until then this 'ere's a crime scene!

Meanwhile, back at the Planet Express office...

Amy, Zoidberg, and Hermes are sitting around the conference table.

AMY: Well, I say we should just go and have our OWN adventure!

ZOIDBERG: Fantastic idea! Let me go pack all of my THING!

AMY: (stands) Hermes?

HERMES: (looks at a calculator) Well, I DO have one day scheduled for extremely bad judgment this year. I was going to go shark boxing.

ZOIDBERG: (holds up a ratty oven mit) I'm ready!

HERMES: As long as Zoidberg ends up in mortal danger at some point, count me in!

The three of them end up outside next to a pulled up manhole cover.

AMY: (holding a crowbar) Since we don't have a space ship, I thought we could explore the underground world of the mutants!

They begin to climb down the ladder.

HERMES: Now all of you be quiet! If we get caught, you don't want to know the horrible fate that awaits us!

Soon...

Zoidberg, Hermes, and Amy stand tied up on the rim of the giant toilet in the middle of the mutant village. There is a huge crowd below and Raoul stands on a platform next to them holding a wood staff.

RAOUL: Here's what horrible fate awaits you! For trespassing on our sacred mutant land, we'll be flushing you down to the terrible sub-levels of the sewers!

HERMES: Okay, don't panic. What would Fry, Leela, and Bender do in a situation like this?

AMY: Fry would say something stupid, Bender would say something mean, and Leela would get mad at both of them.

ZOIDBERG: (looks at Raoul) Maybe you could answer something for me! The Tidy Bowl Man, did they ever find his body down here?

HERMES: You all stink almost as bad as HE does!

AMY: No! That's not how they'd do it! Oh, you both make me so mad!

Raoul shoves them into the bowl with the staff, then uses it to flush the toilet.

Back in New England...

Bender is inside a pub with a sign 'The Firefox and Hound'. He's on a cell phone.

BENDER: Yello!

VOICE: Hey Bender! What up?

BENDER: (holds up a crispy-looking beer bottle) I'm at a pub enjoying a New London delicacy, deep-fried malt liquor!

Elsewhere, Fry is on his phone standing in a small crowd. Behind him is a computer tower the size of a building.

FRY: I'm at the Tower of New London getting a tour!

BENDER: (through the phone) Well, that sounds boring enough for you to do alone. Bye!

TOUR GUIDE: And this is the spot where Henry The Eight Terabytes had his six wives heads cut off!

FRY: (holds his neck) Ew! He killed them all?

Behind him, a large bodied robot wearing a red robe holds a platter with six fembot heads on it.

KING HENRY: I wish!

HEAD #1: I want to go shopping!

HEAD #2: No, a nice restaurant!

HEAD #3: When are you going to clean the garage?

HEAD #4: You never carry me anywhere nice!

The scene changes to Bender in the pub again.

BENDER: (still on his phone) Hey, Leela, what are you doing?

Leela is in a different group, standing in front of a large gate.

LEELA: I'm at New Buckingham Palace for the changing of the virus protection.

Two beefeater robots are handing off a box labeled 'royal virus protection'.

VOICE: Oh, my bits and bytes!

LEELA: Wait a second, something's happened!

Nearby, there is another fembot on the ground and two police-bots standing by her.

POLICE-BOT: Stand back! It's another victim of Jak the Ripper!

LEELA: Bender, get Fry and come over here now!

And so...

Bender, Leela, and Fry stand near the crime scene. A crowd has gathered around.

BENDER: We'll never get the ship back now.

LEELA: Not unless someone catches Jak.

BENDER: You're right! *he climbs on top of a cop car* Listen up, everyone! I'm going to SOLVE this mystery! And collect what I assume will be a HUGE reward!

Meanwhile...

Zoidberg, Amy, and Hermes scream as they fall through a large pipe.

VOICE: Greetings!

HERMES: (squeezing his eyes shut) I can't look. What hideous sub-mutants dwell here?

What looks like a normal man and a cat-like alien stand by wearing white robes.

MAN: Hello, friends! So glad to meet you! Welcome to Perfectia!

The cat-like woman begins to untie Zoidberg.

CAT-WOMAN: Can we do anything for you? We'd be happy to get you clean clothing and feed you!

ZOIDBERG: Really?

The man unties Amy and Hermes.

MAN: Yes indeed! There's nothing we'd rather do with our time than make strangers feel at home!

Later, Amy, Hermes, and Zoidberg are in a hall eating, all wearing white robes.

AMY: This is the best food I've ever tasted.

HERMES: Sweet golden sand of Westmoreland, these clothes are so comfortable, they make silk feel like broken glass!

MAN: We're so glad you like the meal and garments. We hope you'll stay a very long time!

Meanwhile, back on New England...

LEELA: Nice work, Bender. How are we supposed to catch Jak the Ripper? We're just TOURISTS here!

BENDER: (points at a group of detectives) Elementary, my dear meatbag! We look for clues!

He extends his arm and pulls a small notebook from one of the robot's pockets.

BENDER: (flips through pages) Here we go! "It is believed that Jak earned the name 'The Ripper' because he used to be a CD ripping and copying robot!"

FRY: "No one knows what caused him to go mad. Maybe it was copying a hundred thousand Satanic heavy metal CDs in one day, or maybe it was merely one Raffi album, but SOMETHING snapped."

LEELA: "Leaving only a note vowing to become the perfect criminal, Jak took on a new identity and has been deleting other robot's memories ever since!"

ROBO-DETECTIVE: HEY! *swipes back the notebook* Give me that back!

BENDER: (throws up his hands) Easy now! Don't shoot!

POLICE-BOT: Shoot? We New England police don't carry guns.

BENDER: You don't? Well then...

The next scene is Bender running down the street, carrying armfuls of stolen goods and laughing. Two police-bots chase after him waving wooden clubs.

LEELA: Only BENDER would take a break from solving a crime to do some smash and grabs.

FRY: What can you say? He's a robot for all seasons!

POLICE-BOT: Just stop for a second so we can beat you with our sticks!

Back in the sub-sewers, Zoidberg, Amy, and Hermes are walking through the city.

ZOIDBERG: What a city. So white and bright! I feel like my eyes have been dipped in bleach!

AMY: It's perfect in every way!

MAN: Even MORE perfect now that you've decided to stay even longer here in Perfectia!

HERMES: Who's your leader?

CAT-WOMAN: We don't have one. None of us consider ourselves better than the other.

AMY: (shocked) And that WORKS?

MAN: Maybe it doesn't. You're so smart. Would one of YOU like to be our leader?

HERMES: I'd LOVE to.

AMY: YOU? What about ME?

ZOIDBERG: Clearly, ZOIDBERG is the people's choice!

Shortly...

The three of them stand at the top of a set of stairs.

MAN: We, the citizens of Perfectia, hereby elect Hermes Conrad, Amy Wong, and Dr. John D. Zoidberg as co-presidents!

HERMES: If only my mum could see me now!

AMY: This will look so good on a resume!

ZOIDBERG: I promise to rule with an iron claw!

And back on New England...

The Robo-detective stands over another deleted fembot, a crowd including Leela, Fry, and Bender is watching.

ROBO-DETECTIVE: Another deletion! No one is safe!

A brown box-like robot wearing a pink shirt and blue shorts and marked 'SX-6' runs up.

SX-6: I demand police protection! I'm the only Cray in the village!

Leela: (eyes the body) Hmmm... the victims all seem to be about the same size.

Two paramedics come out of an ambulance holding a stretcher.

PARAMEDIC: Back away now, we've got to take the body to New Scotland Yard!

LEELA: What happens then?

PARAMEDIC: Then we run a nanaya!

LEELA: A nanaya?

PARAMEDIC: Nanaya business!

PARAMEDIC #2: I say, SNAP, old chap!

They high five while Leela looks less than amused. Afterward, they load the body.

LEELA: We need to follow that ambulance.

FRY: I have an idea!

As the ambulance drives away, Bender's hands are clamped on the back bumper. He is being dragged on his back with Leela sitting on his chest and Fry sitting behind her holding onto her waist.

BENDER: I HATE this idea!

LEELA: Then you shouldn't have abstained when we were voting on it.

At New Scotland Yard, there's a shot of a door reading 'Robo-morgue'. Inside are four robots. One is the detective that's been at all the deletion scenes, another has grey hair, one has red hair and sunglasses, and one has brown hair. They are all looking down at something.

ROBO-DETECTIVE: We thought we'd let you Yankee CSI robots in to see what you could find.

GREY-HAIRED ROBOT: It's tricky.

SUNGLASSES ROBOT: I've never seen anything like it.

BROWN-HAIRED ROBOT: Me either...

From a different angle, it's revealed they're looking at an empty slab.

ROBO-DETECTIVE: That's because there's nothing to see. This body's gone missing just like all the others have.

Leela, Fry, and Bender are looking in, peeking around the door.

LEELA: All the bodies go missing? Interesting.

FRY: I like the robot in the sunglasses best, how about you guys?

BENDER: Naw, too over the top. I like the chubby, smart one.

They close the door and stand in the hall.

LEELA: This is all starting to make sense. I think I know who...

BENDER: No time for listening to you! I'm about to solve the mystery! Fry, gather the entire planet together in one place, will you?

FRY: You got it!

An hour later...

They are standing in the middle of a large stadium, the stands filled with robots. Bender is dressed like Sherlock Holmes.

FRY: There you go, Bender... all of New England!

LEELA: How did you get them all here?

FRY: They're BRITISH. They were all too polite to say no.

BENDER: You might be wondering why I gathered you all here today.

FEMBOT: Well, NOW that you mention it!

BENDER: It's because someone in this stadium... is a DELETER!

The crowd gasps. Bender stands in the field, looking from side to side.

VOICE: Well, who IS it?

BENDER: That's all I got. I was hoping one of you would spontaneously confess!

MANBOT: Is he having a laugh?

A robot growls. Others climb down and begin to march onto the field.

BENDER: Hey, why are you getting angry? I thought you British robots were mild-mannered!

JOCK ROBOT: We are, except when you put us in... A FOOTBALL STADIUM!

BENDER: Football? What are you STUPID? It's called SOCCER!

GREY ROBOT: That's it! GET 'im, lads!

LEELA: WAIT!

JOCK ROBOT: Why? We were just getting a nice riot going!

LEELA: Because I DO know who Jak the Ripper is!

Meanwhile, back in Perfectia...

AMY: I can't believe we're going to be living in the... what did you call it?

MAN: The Sparkling White house.

The group is standing in a room with a large desk and bright red curtains.

AMY: It makes OUR White House look like a hobo's bathroom!

CAT-WOMAN: Thank you so much for all the new laws you suggested.

MAN: MANDATORY HOT DOG FRIDAY was especially well received Dr. Zoidberg.

HERMES: (holds up a book) Hey, I just found a book on the President's desk telling the history of Perfectia.

MAN: Oh did one of us leave that there? I'm so embarrassed. You don't have to read that.

HERMES: (opens the book) As your benevolent new leaders, I think it only appropriate we know more about your culture! *after a second, his face drops* Oh.

AMY: What is it?

HERMES: The people of Perfectia fled the surface world because it was so disgusting and stupid to them. They fled as far down as they could because they're all a bunch of huge snobs.

ZOIDBERG: But they're all so NICE.

HERMES: The city's culture was so snobby that they evolved into a society based on BITING SARCASM.

AMY: So all the nice things you said about us, you meant the EXACT OPPOSITE?

MAN: Oh no, we LOVE having you filthy surface dwellers here. You catch on so FAST!

Later they sigh as they are walking away, looking disheartened.

CHILD: Come back soon!

MAN: It was great having you here!

CAT-WOMAN: Bring more of your brilliant hygienic friends with you next time.

Back on New England...

LEELA: The deleter is...

Suddenly, a few people gather around another deleted fembot body with red hair.

FRY: ANOTHER VICTIM! Man Leela, if only you hadn't taken that DRAMATIC PAUSE, she might still be functioning!

LEELA: (walks over) Don't worry!

ROBO-DETECTIVE: DON'T WORRY? But this poor lass is deleted, and Jak's gotten away!

LEELA: I think you'll find that Jak's right here!

BENDER: (looks around franticly) He's invisible? AHHHH!

Leela kneels over the body.

LEELA: All the victims were the same height, weight, and model of robot!

ROBO-DETECTIVE: He has a TYPE, he does!

Shortly, the paramedics show up with a stretcher.

PARAMEDIC: We're here for the body!

LEELA: And all the bodies go missing when they get to the robo-morgue?

The paramedics set the stretcher down next to the body.

LEELA: Wait! Just leave her there!

PARAMEDIC: What? But that's SICK!

LEELA: Not sick! Not dead! Just resting!

After a few seconds, the fembot's eyes snap open with a click.

LEELA: Robot ladies and gentlebots, I give you... JAK THE RIPPER!

The fembot removes a wig, revealing she has shorter, silver hair.

JAK: It's a fair cop! The name's Jak... short for Jakline!

LEELA: Using disguises you'd delete your own memory, but you always backed up your data files!

JAK: Well done! Yes, and after a while a timer would go off, and I'd automatically reboot my memory.

FRY: But what's the point?

JAK: I insured all my false identities with policies by Lloyds of New London that paid extra when you're the victim of a serial deleter.

BENDER: It was the perfect crime.

JAK: Exactly! No matter how good a criminal you are, you always risk choosing the wrong victim. By being both perpetrator and victim, I controlled everything! It worked, and I became FAMOUS! My next step was going to be taking the insurance money and opening a Jak the Ripper THEME PARK!

LEELA: But that's GRUESOME!

JAK: Look around you! British tourist attractions are almost always based on some horrible part of history! It's tradition!

ROBO-DETECTIVE: Take 'er away, lads!

BENDER: Another mystery solved, thanks to BENDER!

LEELA: But YOU didn't—oh forget it. It's not worth it!

Two police-bots take Jak's arms and haul her away.

Back at Planet Express, Fry and Leela walk in with arms full of small boxes while Amy, Zoidberg, and Hermes sit at the conference table covered with random sewage.

LEELA: We brought back souvenirs for everyone!

PROFESSOR: Oh goody!

FRY: (hands Amy a lion robot with a hat and cane, a British flag printed on its stomach) Hey, why do you all smell like you climbed through miles of sewage pipe?

AMY: We don't want to talk about it.

The professor adjusts his glasses at Bender, who is holding a few crowns and scepters.

PROFESSOR: Oh my, what an amazing replica of the New England crown jewels.

BENDER: (rolls his eyes) Yeah... replica.

PROFESSOR: I must say, Bender, I'm very impressed by these life-sized police officer souvenirs. So lifelike!

Behind Bender are two police-bots, each holding their wooden batons.

BENDER: (turns) Wait a minute. I didn't bring any police souvenirs back with me.

POLICE-BOT #1: 'Ello, Bender. We wanted to 'ave a word about all those things you nicked.

POLICE-BOT #2: We'll let our barons do most of the talking, if that's all right with you!

The police-bots begin to beat Bender, who drops the crown jewels and flails on the floor.

POLICE-BOT #1: Terribly sorry! Just doing our job, 'eh wot?

POLICE-BOT #2: No hard feelings, old chap!

BENDER: None-OW-taken!

ROBO-DETECTIVE: (in caption bubble) Cheerio!

Buddies