Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #37: Full Metal Racket
Transcribed by dinkdrinker

SCRIPT- IAN BOOTHBY

PENCILS- JAMES LLOYD

INKS-ANDREW PEPOY

COLORS- NATHAN HAMMILL

LETTERS- KAREN BATES

EDITOR- BILL MORRISON


Scene: Space. The Planet Express ship is seen flying with it's back door open, leaking small yellow pellets, which are promptly being eaten up by a planet sized creature that is yellow, and looks remarkably like an 80's cultural icon/video game.

LEELA: Fry, this is all YOUR fault!

FRY: (hanging onto his station to avoid being sucked into space) MY fault? Why?

LEELA: (buckled tightly in) All we had to do was make a delivery of LIVING PLANET CHOW to a living planet!

FRY: Uh-huh.

LEELA: You were supposed to make sure the planet food was SECURE.

FRY: (Playing Tetris)Yeah, yeah, I'll get to it after this level!

LEELA: And, Bender, YOU left the AIR LOCK open!

BENDER: So? I don't need air, and frankly I'm worried you two are getting ADDICTED to it!

LEELA: Now all the food is falling out, and if we don't move faster, we're going to get eaten too!

FRY: How many lives do we have left?

BENDER: Three!

FRY: I think we get another after 10,000 points!

LEELA: Maybe we could distract it. Throw some food in the other direction!

FRY: But all we have is snack food for Gigantus Seven, the planet of giants who like to snack.

LEELA: DO it, Bender!

BENDER: (ripping open a large snack package) Yeah, yeah!

LEELA: It's WORKING!!! (The 'pac-planet' goes off eating a giant peach, pear, pretzel and cherry. Bender closes the air lock)

FRY: Sorry, Leela. I promise not to do anything stupid for the rest of the mission! (looks out the window to a small planet below) Hey, hitch-hikers! Let's pick them up!

Three aliens are now on the bridge...

AETM 1: Well, thanks! It was sure nice of you delivery folks to stop for us!

FRY: Been waiting long?

AETM 1: (pulls a gun out) Not really, but we have been waiting for YOU to show up!

LEELA: (facepalms) Oh, frak!

BENDER: (hands a piece of paper to one of the aliens) Listen, I'm just working with these folks on a TEMP basis. If you need any thug work done and you're hiring, here's my criminal record1

AETM 2: Impressive.

AETM 1: But we're not robbing you. We are ALIENS FOR THE ETHICAL TREATMENT OF MAMMALS and we found out online that Planet Express has been working Fry, and Leela much too hard!

FRY: All right! Someone read my BLOG!

AETM 1: According to Planet Express's records, this month alone you've made deliveries to the planet of the cannibals, the planet of the lava men, and the planet of the lava cannibals!

FRY: Never ask THOSE guys what's cooking! Odds are it's YOU!

BENDER: Hey, what about poor old Bender? I work harder than these two fleshwads put together!

AETM 3: We only help mammals. It's in our mission statement.

AETM 1: If you ever grow fur, give live birth, or secrete milk, give us a call! (turns back to Fry and Leela) Now come along and prepare to be liberated!

FRY: Liberated! That doesn't sound so bad. Do I have to burn any underwear?

LEELA: -sigh!-

LATER, ON A DISTANT WORLD...

AETM 1: Go mammals! Run and frolic with the others we have freed!

FRY: (looks around the idyllic farm setting) Actually, this doesn't seem so bad!

LEELA: Fry! They stranded us at gunpoint and against our will on a planet in the middle of nowhere!

FRY: But look around, Leela, we're on a FARM!

LEELA: Hmmm... it IS peaceful here, like Kansas before the zombie dinosaurs came back to life and ate everyone after the first Civil Nuclear War. (looks around) There's lots of vegetables to eat. I think we can make bread out of the wheat..

FRY: (climbs onto a tractor) They even have tractors and farm equipment. You now, this could be fun!

TRACTOR: WARNING! MAMMAL PEST IS CONSUMING CROP!

LEELA: (munching on a carrot) What did you say, Fry?

TRACTOR: COMMENCING LETHAL PEST CONTROL! (Fry goes flying off the back of the tractor as it 'transforms') TRANSFARMERS ATTACK!

FRY/LEELA: AAAAAAAH!

Back at Planet Express...

The Professor is chewing out Bender...

PROFESSOR: What's that? You lost two-thirds of the crew? Now the half-assed job you normally do will only be ONE-THIRD-assed! You're suspended until further notice!

BENDER: You're mad that you only have one-third of a crew, so you're getting rid of that TOO? Nice human logic! (storms out) Don't worry about old Bender! I can survive on the mean streets of New New York just fine! (later we see him standing on a street named 'Mean Street'. There are muggings, stabbings, and explosions) Hmmm... might be a little TOO mean. (Next we see him on 'Apathetic Avenue') Better.

MEANWHILE...

Back at the farm...

TRACTOR: GET THEM, MILKATRON!

MILKATRON: I HAVER NOTHING BUT LACTOSE INTOLERANCE FOR VEGETABLE THIEVES!

LEELA: (points ahead to a hole in the ground) Fry, look! A hole! (they dive in just narrowly missing getting blasted by Milkatron)

FRY/LEELA: (falling down the hole) AAAAAAH! (they land in a large cave with computers, and are greeted by a red haired woman)

PAMELA: Greetings, friends! (shakes Leela's hand) I assume you two were 'freed' as well?

LEELA: Yep! I'm Leela, and this is Fry!

PAMELA: Pamela is my name. I was a botanist on Earth.

FRY: So why is everyone shooting at us?

PAMELA: The robot farmers on this world consider us pests to be destroyed. Something our liberators would have known if they'd stuck around the planet and done a little more research.

LEELA: So how do we get back home to Earth?

PAMELA: That's up to our LEADER. Here he comes now!

ZAPP: (in a torn uniform, gut hanging out) All hail your returning leader!

LEELA: ZAPP BRANNIGAN!

ZAPP: LEELA! The gods of luck must be smiling on me today. Sadly, they weren't smiling on the escape attempt I planned. There were some casualties.

PAMELA: How many?

ZAPP: (sheepishly) A dozen here. A dozen there. Long story short, WE'RE all that's left.

PAMELA: -GASP!-

ZAPP: But don't worry! I have a foolproof plan to defeat the robots!

LEELA: What is it?

ZAPP: With the help of THE WOMEN I'll repopulate the planet until we vastly outnumber the robots! Then we attack!

PAMELA/LEELA: NO!

ZAPP: Fine, fine! I'll come up with some other SEXY SOLUTION!

MEANWHILE, BACK ON EARTH...

SPACE SCOUT: Hello, Mr. bending robot! Would you like t buy some candy to send us Space Scouts to see Earth's forests? They're in museums on other planets!

BENDER: Why sure I'd like to help. You see all those chubby folks coming out of that Overeaters Anonymous meeting? I bet they'd LOVE some candy!

SPACE SCOUT: (excited) What? Where?

BENDER: (grabbing all the Space Scout's money from sales) Just keep looking! Walks away with the money inside himself) Heh heh heh! Always be prepared... tp be outsmarted by Bender!

TINNY TIM: Actually, the Space Scouts do a lot of good work, Sir!

BENDER: AAAAH! TINNY TIM! Where did you come from?

TINNY TIM: You said yesterday you wanted to hang out with me all day today.

BENDER: You gotta get that sarcasm reader checked, kid!

TINNY TIM: The Space Scouts have branches all across the Earth with millions of members! I used to BE one, but they kicked me out because I depressed them!I still have my official Space Scout compass. It cost me two dollars which meant no oil that month. But I can always find north! (shows Bender the compass)

BENDER: Wait a minute! EVERY SCOUT buys one of those?

TINNY TIM: Yes, when they camp they need to be able to determine the direction of MAGNETIC north.

BENDER: (takes the compass and looks at it) But what would happen if someone changed where north WAS? Reversed Earth's magnetic poles? Then they'd ALL need NEW compasses, right?

TINNY TIM: I suppose.

BENDER: And whoever was ready to sell the new compasses would get RICH.

TINNY TIM: May I have MINE back now, sir?

BENDER: (runs into Planet Express) Hey, Professor!

PROFESSOR: (he is tinkering with parts from Calculon, and Tom Servo and Crow, from Mystery Science Theater 3000) Oh, hello! Wait, wasn't I annoyed with you for some reason I can't remember anymore?

BENDER: Do you have a giant magnet I can use?

PROFESSOR: I think so. Yes, I believe we have a spare one in the attic next to the accelerator chamber. But HERE! If you're going to be using it, let me remove that annoying part of your brain that makes you sing when you get near a magnet!

BENDER: Thanks, Professor! While you're in there, take out any PAINFUL CHILDHOOD MEMORIES you can find!

AND SOONER THAN YOU THINK...

Bender has constructed a contraption with a huge magnet taped to a machine.

BENDER: There! Now if my loosely guessed calculations are correct, when I throw this switch, Earth's polarity will be REVERSED, and my new compass business will make me RICH! (throws the switch...) Hmmm... nothing. Maybe I should check the... (a huge explosion takes place. Hermes runs over to investigate.)

HERMES: Bender? What happened? Are you Okay? And I mean FINACIALLY, because you're gonna have to PAY for this! (his belt, and a foil wrapped sandwich fly off of him/out of his hand away from Bender) Hey! My belt and my foil-wrapped manwich!

PROFESSOR: It seems Bender has become a REVERSE MAGNET! I'm going to leave now as all the fillings in my teeth have flown into the back of my mouth.

BACK ON THE FARM PLANET...

ZAPP: (opening a barn door) Don't worry, Fry! We can hide in this barn while I plan our escape!

FRY: Yeah, those stupid robots will never find us here! (the barn jumps up and transforms)

BARNSTORM: WE STUPID ROBOTS HAVE FEELINGS TOO, Y'KNOW!

SILO: YOU TELL THEM, BARNSTORM!

FRY/ZAPP: (running away as they get shot at) AAAAAH!

Back on earth, at Planet Express...

BENDER: Aw, come on! Why can't I work at Planet Express anymore?

HERMES: You walked into the hangar and our ship went through the wall! Now get outta here before you do MORE damage!

BENDER: But where will I go?

HERMES: Go attack the X-Men for all I care! Just get out!

BENDER: (walks down the street as mailboxes, taxis, and a man with a ton of jewelry, go flying away from him) Cheer up, Bender. You don't need them. All you need is booze and floozies! (now in a store) Aw, come back malt liquor cans! (all the cans go flying away from him, making a huge mess)

SAL: Get outta here, youze!

BENDER: (now in a club, talking to two fembots) Why are you so distant? (The scene is panned back to see they are pinned to the ceiling, above Bender)

FEMBOT: Must be your magnetic personality!

HORRIBLE GELATINOUS BLOB: (in a 'Security' t-shirt) Get outta here, you!

BACK ON THE PLANET...

LEELA: Listen up!

ZAPP: Yes, what is it? You're going to tell us what you'll be making for dinner?

FRY: I want pie!

ZAPP: Me, too! Twice as much as Fry!

PAMELA: No, Leela and I have come up with a plan to escape.

ZAPP: Ha ha ha! WOMEN coming up with a PLAN? That's adorable. Like a kitten in a slipper! Don't you worry your sexy little heads! I have a cunning plan to get us home and eating pie by tonight!

FRY: I like the pie part! Tell me more!

AND SO...

Zapp and Fry are in a field with boxes with crude robot drawings on them. Zapp is on top of Fry...

FRY: Why can't I be on YOUR shoulders?

ZAPP: Because I'm the BRAINS, and you're the YOU! (they walk toward the farm in a really bad robot costume) Oh, hello! I'm a giant robot like yourself!

TRACTOR: GREETINGS, BROTHER!

ZAPP: We, I mean, I, the giant robot, was just passing by your planet when my spaceship broke down. May I borrow yours to get back home?

TRACTOR: WHY CERTAINLY. AS YOU KNOW, THE GIANT ROBOCODE REQUIRES ME TO GIVE TRANSPORT TO ANY OTHER GIANT ROBOT IN NEED. MIGHT I ASK WHAT YOUR JOB IS THAT BRINGS YOU ALL THE WAY OUT TO THE FARM WORLDS?

ZAPP: I, er... well... that is... I'm a traveling salesbot!

TRACTOR: A TRAVELING SALESBOT? WHY THE LAST SALESBOT WHO PASSED THROUGH THESE PARTS TRANSFORMED MY DAUGHTER... INTO A TRAMP! (blasts Zapp and Fry with a hoe-gun)

FRY/ZAPP: YAAAAAAH!

Back on Earth...

BENDER: (dejected, walking down the sidewalk) I have no job. No friends. No booze. If only there was some small ray of hope! (sees a coin in front of him) Hey, a quarter! (reaches for it, only to have it start rolling away from him) Aw! C'MON!

SPACE SCOUT: Hey, a quarter! I'm going to put this towards a GOOD CAUSE!

BENDER: NOOOOOOOOO! (later we see him 'chasing' a suicide booth) Come back, suicide booth! (chases a guillotine) Come back, guillotine! (later at Planet Express) I can't even use the Professor's Ultimate Nullifier!

AMY: There, there! Oh, and you owe me for the two PIERCINGS that just flew off of me!

Back on the Farm Planet...

ZAPP: (walks up to Leela and Pamela.) What's this?

LEELA: (shows off a rocket) While you two idiots were dumbing it up on the farm, Pamela and I built this escape rocket out of indigenous plants.

PAMELA: It was easy once I was no longer distracted by Zapp's plans!

LEELA: (looks at her wrist thingy) Oh no! According to my calculations we have too much combined weight to get out of orbit!

ZAPP: (trying to get into the rocket) Then leave Fry behind! He's just here for comic relief, right?

LEELA: (hands Zapp a large concrete block) You need to loose weight! Running for twenty-four hours holding this cinder block should do it!

ZAPP: Really? -gulp!- All right I guess. (starts running away with the block) – Puff! Wheeze! Gasp!-

FRY: Do the rest of us have to loose weight?

LEELA: No, this rocket's good for at least two more tons. I'm just getting back at Zapp for being a jerk!

ZAPP: (running off in the opposite direction) -Gasp! Choke!-

LEELA: I'll call Kif when we get back home and let him know where to find Zapp. And frankly loosing a few pounds won't hurt!

AND BACK ON EARTH...

Bender is in a catapult in the Planet Express hangar.

HERMES: So your plan is to use this homemade wooden catapult to...?

BENDER: Fling myself into the sun.

HERMES: You know that can't possibly work, right?

BENDER: That's for cruel fate to decide! Commencing operation 'Little Black Spot on the Sun Today'! (the homemade rocket lands in the hangar next to Bender and Hermes) What the...!?

LEELA: (coming out of the rocket) Hi, Hermes!

HERMES: LEELA! It's so good to see you back alive! I'll get the paperwork started to dock you for your missed days!

FRY: Hey Bender! What's up with the catapult? Is a renaissance fair in town?

BENDER: Your spaceship! It's not metal! I can stand next to it!

FRY: Yeah, it's made of plants!

BENDER: (shoves Fry aside) Next stop, the sun! So long cruel world! (takes off)

PAMELA: Wait! It's a disposable spaceship! Only good for one ride! (the ship explodes raining plant matter and vegetables everywhere. Bender crashes to the floor)

FRY: Bender? Are you okay? Someone get him a beer! He needs to recharge himself! Here ya go buddy! (hands him a can of beer)

BENDER: It's no use. I can't hold a... (grabs the can) BEER! I'm back to normal. The explosion de-reverse magnetized me! (runs outside and grabs the quarter from the Space Scout) GIVE me that!

SPACE SCOUT: HEY!

BENDER: (holding the coin and guzzling the beer) I'm BACK, baby!

SPACE SCOUT: -sigh!-

BENDER: Aw, I'll make it up to you, kid! Let me show you how to rub two sticks together to set a fire and make a phony arson insurance claim!

SPACE SCOUT: YAY!

FRY: That's our Bender!

TINNY TIM: (in a caption bubble) That's all! Scout's honor!

Buddies