Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #39: Rust In Peace
Transcribed by Umbreon

IAN BOOTHBY – SCRIPT

JAMES LLOYD – PENCILS

ANDREW PEPOY – INKS

NATHAN HAMILL – COLORS

KATEN BATES – LETTERS

BILL MORRISON – EDITOR


Fry faces down a boy with spiked hair.

FRY: So, Bart Simpson, we meet again. But this time, victory will be MINE!

Fry and Leela are standing in front of a ring toss game at a carnival. There are large stuffed toys around, a Lovey Bear and Bart Simpson among them.

SAL: Will youze quits talkin’ to the prizes and throw the ring? I ain’t got all day.

BENDER: You don’t?

SAL: Naw, my doctor just gave me three hours to live.

FRY: Shouldn’t you be spending it with your family?

SAL: Naw, I’ll dies doin’ what I loved. Gouging suckers with rigged carny games. Now gets tossin’!

Fry narrows his eyes as he sizes up the throw.

FRY: Easy, easy…

He then tosses the ring and misses the shot badly.

SAL: (laughs) More likes over easy!

Fry and Leela walk away, in between some food stands a games.

FRY: Nuts!

LEELA: Oh, don’t let it bother you Fry. Not everyone’s as good at those games as my old boyfriend SHAUN was.

ZOIDBERG: (holds up three mildly gross corn dogs) Here are those corn dogs you wanted. The bite marks were already there when I got them. *turns and sees Sal running his game* Hey, that’s my patient who has three hours to live. No, wait! I mean DECADES! I always get those confused.

A carny-robot walks up to Bender and holds up a case of beer labeled ‘Bolt .45’.

CARNY-BOT: Hey there, shiny! Want me to guess your age?

BENDER: NAH!

CARNY-BOT: If I’m wrong, you get a case of malt liquor!

BENDER: Then again, who am I to say no to filthy carny folk?

The robot walks around Bender, leans over, and generally eyes him over.

CARNY-BOT: Hmmmmm… you’re ten years old!

BENDER: Nope! Way off!

CARNY-BOT: Yes, you are! I can see your manufacture date on your butt plate! *he points* You were built TEN YEARS AGO!

BENDER: Hey, quit pointing at my ass! Look, pal, I’m at least a few thousand years old.

CARNY-BOT: Well, it looks like we’ll have to settle this the old-fashioned carny way!

Later, Fry, Leela, and Zoidberg are sitting in a sort of outdoor courthouse among a large group of carnies. The Carny-bot is sitting next to a thin Indian man wearing a turban and Bender is with a large woman. In front of everyone is a small ringmaster with a black top hat and a red coat.

RINGMASTER: Carny court will now come to order! All rise for the honorable JUDGE WOLF-FACED BOY!

A small dog-looking boy wearing black robes enters.

INDIAN LAWYER: Your Honor, ladies, gentlemen, and freaks, I intend to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the defendant LIED about his age.

WOLF-BOY: Can you point to the defendant?

INDIAN LAWYER: (stretches his arm and points at Bender) He’s right THERE, your Honor!

BENDER: (whispers to the fat woman) Ewww! I hope you’re as good a lawyer as you are a fat lady!

WOMAN: I’M not the fat lady… I’m the BEARDED LADY!

BENDER: Where’s your beard?

BEARDED LADY: I shaved it for the trial!

BENDER: Oh well, at least you have that morbidly obese thing to fall back on!

BEARDED LADY: (points) He’s GUILTY your Honor!

BENDER: HEY!

WOLF-BOY: (raises his gavel) Bender, I find you…

PROFESSOR: WAIT! *he walks up carrying a laser gun* If you’ll allow me, this device can tell any object’s age through carbon dating.

WOLF-BOY: We only have two minutes before lunch.

PROFESSOR: Fine. Then I’ll use carbon SPEED dating.

The professor turns and fires at Bender, covering him in a red beam.

GUN: Working! Working!

BENDER: Ha ha! It tickles!

GUN: The robot is 27,203 years old!

Everyone gasps.

PROFESSOR: Yes, because of time travel-related adventures too complicated to explain here, Bender has aged considerably more than one would expect.

WOLF-BOY: (bangs gavel) CASE DISMISSED!

CAPTION BOX: To see Bender’s time travel hijinks, pick up some “FUTURAMA” dvds, including “Bender’s Big Score”!—Plugmeister Bill

BENDER: Thanks, Professor!

They shake hands.

PROFESSOR: Well, we old-timers have to stick together. In a related matter, you’re well past Planet Express’ retirement age, and we’ll have to let you go!

Later…

Fry and Bender are at home. Fry is putting on his jacket while Bender sits on the couch, looking at a pocket watch through half-moon glasses.

FRY: Well, I’m off to work. Now that you’re retired, what are you gonna do all day?

BENDER: First, I’m gonna sell this gold watch the professor gave me, and then do what ALL old folks do. Yell at young people to get off my lawn.

FRY: But you don’t HAVE a lawn.

BENDER: (looks down saddly) Oh how I wish these old legs could have just a small patch of grass to walk on.

FRY: (sighs) I’ll go to the gardening center.

Later that day…

A dirty and tired-looking Fry stands in the living room with a hoe, while Bender is between two bags of peat moss. The floor is now completely sodded.

FRY: There you go! The landlady isn’t going to like it though.

BENDER: (takes Fry’s hand) Thank you so much, young man. It means the world to this old, old robot. And now…

FRY: Yes?

BENDER: …GET OFF MY LAWN!

Fry hops up and sits on the back of the couch.

BENDER: Wow! That DID feel good! I’m off to the park to give my opinions on the weather to random strangers!

And even later…

A family is home celebrating a birthday. A little girl sits in the middle of a group of presents.

MOTHER: Happy birthday, sweetie!

VOICE: WAIT!

Bender runs up and snatches a present away from the girl.

BENDER: You can’t tear such nice wrapping paper!

GIRL: But then I can’t get to my present!

BENDER: (stashes her gifts in his chest) Well, we’ll just put these presents away until you figure out how!

FATHER: Why are you in our home?

BENDER: Me? I’m old and senile. I just wandered in and have no idea where I am!

MOTHER: You poor thing. Stay as long as you want!

The little girl sits on the floor and cries as Bender chugs a bottle of cognac.

BENDER: Will do!

Meanwhile, at Planet Express…

Amy and Hermes are in the lounge.

HERMES: Amy, I have some pay statements I’d like you to take down to the bank!

Suddenly, they are both hit in the head with large rings, causing Hermes to drop his papers and Amy to drop her coffee.

HERMES: OW! Sweet goose liver of Black River! Fry! Stop throwing those hula hoops!

Fry stands with a red hoop in his hands and a stack of hoops next to him.

FRY: But I need practice if I’m going to impress Leela.

LEELA: (walks in) Impress me with what?

FRY: (hides the hoop behind his back) Uh, I didn’t say impress, I said… DEPRESS.

LEELA: Why would you want to depress me?

FRY: Um… you’ve been so happy lately, it’s annoying! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to practice my hula hoping.

Fry grabs a bunch of hoops and begins to spin them around his waist, arms, and one leg. Leela backs out of the room.

LEELA: Oooookay.

Elsewhere on a bus, Bender is flashing a card to a green-skinned alien.

BENDER: You know what this seniors discount card means?

ALIEN: The same thing it meant when you explained it to the other dozen people on the bus?

BENDER: I can ride the bus for slightly less than you! And if I want a seat, then someone has to give theirs up to me!

Bender walks up to a woman who has a large belly, glasses, and a white cane.

BENDER: Get up!

WOMAN: But I’m blind and pregnant.

BENDER: I’m pretty sure I had nothing to do with either of those things! Now upsey-daisy!

VOICE: BENDER B. RODRIGUEZ!

BENDER: That’s my name, but you can call me “PAPPY!”

A reaper robot and a small yellow robot from the Near-Death Star are on the bus behind Bender.

YELLOW ROBOT: We’ve never known a robot old enough to qualify before but we’re taking you to the Near-Death Star retirement community!

BENDER: If it’s all the same to you, I’ll pass!

The reaper robot drags Bender off the bus and down the street by his wrist.

BENDER: (on phone) Fry, you’ve got to help rescue me! Or at least visit me! A call every few days would be nice!

Elsewhere, Fry is on his phone and Leela is standing next to him.

FRY: Leela, we have to help Bender escape from a planet in another galaxy!

LEELA: That’s the third time this month!

A black hearse-ship flies toward the Near-Death Star.

HEARSE: New citizen for processing.

RADIO: You’re free to land!

Inside, Bender is standing behind the yellow robot, who is driving.

BENDER: Say, I couldn’t interest you in a rebellion against your tyrannical masters could I?

ROBOT: There are no masters. We’re all equal here in our classes system.

BENDER: You’re DOT.COMMUNISTS? Nuts!

Two robots lay Bender in a drawer and begin to hook wires up to his body.

ROBOT: Don’t worry, this process is painless. Welcome to your new home!

Bender suddenly poofs into a virtual reality. He’s on a sunny street with old people walking around.

BENDER: AAAAAAAH! It’s worse than I thought!

A few days later…

Fry and Leela are on the ship.

FRY: How are we going to land on the Near-Death Star without them seeing us?

LEELA: The professor invented a new cloaking device. Took him a few days, but it was worth it!

Seconds later…

The ship is covered in a large white sheet, making it look like a ghost.

FRY: And why wouldn’t they see us again?

Leela turns to look at Fry, who is now holding a sheet with eye holes.

LEELA: Our ship looks like a ghost, and robots don’t believe in ghosts. So their logic processors don’t register seeing us! Now put on your personal cloaking device!

Later they are both walking up to the entrance wearing sheets, where two yellow robots stand guard.

LEELA: Keep quiet!

GUARD #1: Did you hear something?

GUARD #2: Nothing I believe exists!

Fry’s sheet snags on a grate and pulls off of him.

GUARD #2: HEY!

GUARD #1: INTRUDERS!

FRY: Ooops! Leela, RUN!

They both take off down a hall. They skid to a stop when two large guards appear. They have the faces of old men and what looks like robotic octopus bodies.

MAN: There’s nowhere to run from the Octogenarians!

LEELA: Ewww!

The Octogenarians wrap their tentacles around Fry and Leela, pulling them off the ground.

LEELA: I've heard of these guys! They're old people who volunteered to be made into cyborg guards instead of retiring.

Fry makes a disgusted sound.

The guards carry them to open drawers that are right next to Bender.

OCTOGENARIAN #1: They're not OLD ENOUGH to be here!

OCTOGENARIAN #2: But they WILL BE one day!

OCTOGENARIAN #1: Good point! Hook them up to the grid!

The guards hold Fry and Leela down and begin to hook wires to their heads.

FRY: NO!

OCTOGENARIAN #1: Don't worry. It's a nice virtual world. Picket fences, sunshine, and quiet relaxation for eternity! *pulls a lever*

Fry and Leela yell as they are pulled into the virtual reality. They end up in the middle of what looks like a Vegas street. Casinos, restaurants, and hotels, all with Bender's name, line the streets.

FRY: You see a picket fence anywhere?

An old woman with a walker passes Leela.

WOMAN: Outta my way, I gotta go gamble!

LEELA: Wait, what happened to the peaceful relaxing world?

WOMAN: The robot... THAT'S what!

She begins to narrate over different points of Bender's time in the virtual reality. The first is Bender standing in front of two old men with a small table and cards.

WOMAN: He got here and was bored right away, so he set up a game of three card monte.

The scene changes to Bender shooting cards out of his mouth in someone's parlor.

WOMAN: Everyone LOVED it! We wanted more, so he set up a poker game.

The scene goes back to normal on the street.

WOMAN: We STILL wanted more, and he kept giving it to us until we built all THIS! There are no homes anymore. Everyone lives in the casinos, and food is an all-you-can-eat buffet! *she shoves Fry out of her way* Now get out of my way! Grandma's got some virtual money to bet on black!

LEELA: We really do screw up every world we come to, don't we?

FRY: Pretty much.

LEELA: Let's put a cork in this before Bender causes any more trouble!

They walk down the street and soon come to a place called 'Hot Cha Club'. A man standing outside is handing out fliers.

MAN: Come on in, pal. We got the hottest go-go dancers on the strip!

FRY: Well, it couldn't hurt to look. *he peeks in and makes a choking sound as he spots to scantily-clad old women dancing on stage* I was wrong! It hurts A LOT!

DANCER: Sock it to me!

He falls backwards out the door as Leela walks to the man on the sidewalk.

LEELA: Where do we find Bender?

MAN: You don't FIND Mr. Bender, Mr. Bender finds YOU!

FRY: But he doesn't know we're here.

MAN: Oh, in that case he's at 203 Bender Street at the corner of Bender's Great Avenue in the heart of the Bender District!

Off in a different building, Bender is sitting in front of a large screen made up of different monitors. Behind him are two large goons, both with grey hair.

BENDER: Jimmy, that guy on table nine's counting cards! Kick him out!

JIMMY: You got it, boss!

BENDER: Timmy, that gal on table twelve's counting her blessings! Get her out of there!

TIMMY: Sure thing, boss!

Fry and Leela bust into the room.

LEELA: Bender, you're coming back with us!

TIMMY: No one tells the boss what to do!

FRY: (hides behind Leela) Look out Leela. He's got goons!

The goons advance, but Leela easily holds them off with one arm each.

FRY: Very OLD, very WEAK goons!

TIMMY: Weak, huh? I'll *coughs* box your ears!

Jimmy wheezes.

Bender stands and runs over with his arms in the air while Jimmy clutches his chest.

BENDER: Leave 'em be, boys! So you did decide to visit me after all. That's nice!

FRY: You wanted our help to escape!

BENDER: (pulls out a cigar) That was before I gave this world an extreme Bender makeover! Lemme show you the casino!

He walks away, Leela and Fry following him.

LEELA: (holds up her arm) It's ALL casino!

BENDER: So it'll be a short walk.

They get to a casino floor. Lights are flashing and old people are wandering around.

LEELA: These are old minds, Bender. They can't take this kind of stimulation for long.

BENDER: I don't hear THEM complaining!

An old man walks up to Bender.

OLD MAN: I don't like all this noise.

BENDER: QUIET, you! No complaining! That's the law!

FRY: Just come back with us, buddy!

BENDER: I'll make you a wager, Fry.

He walks up to a sign that reads 'ask about our 200% interest gambling loans', snaps off the second 0, and hands it to Fry.

BENDER: If you can toss this ring over my head I'll go back with you!

FRY: Um... that's it?

LEELA: You can DO that... can't you?

FRY: (narrows his eyes) I sure can.

BENDER: (puffs his cigar) Take your time. There's no clocks here, so there's no rush!

FRY: Yeah... yeah.

Fry revs up and flings the hoop, but Bender pulls his head down into his body and the zero hits the wall behind him and bounces away.

BENDER: Aw, that's too bad. Well, thanks for stopping by!

FRY: That was cheating!

BENDER: Oh, Fry, I've got to admit I've missed how you keep thinking I'm going to play fair. It's adorable! *he turns to Leela, who is frowning* That and Leela's never ending supply of disapproving stares.

Bender turns and points to a large light up head of himself.

BENDER: Look, part of me DOES want to go back home, but I run the whole world here. The power is too addictive.

FRY: I can help make you want to leave.

BENDER: I'd like to see THAT.

Fry: (cups his mouth) ATTENTION, EVERYONE! BENDER WANTS TO HEAR STORIES ABOUT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN!

A wave of people starts moving toward Bender, some of them holding pictures or drawings.

OLD MAN: Oh, my grandson did the cutest thing on Christmas...

OLD MAN #2: He made an ashtray for me out of...

OLD MAN #3: My Danny is learning to play the oboe and...

OLD MAN #4: He can burp the National anthem...

BENDER: What? Stop! NO! My boredom chip is overloading!

FRY: Do any of you have pictures? Bender would LOVE to see them!

Shortly...

Bender, Leela, and Fry are running through a park.

BENDER: Are they still behind me?

LEELA: Only the ones on scooters, and I think they're losing interest.

They come to a stop next to a statue of Bender.

BENDER: Thanks, Fry! That snapped me out of it! Let's go back to Planet Express!

FRY: You got it! Leela, let's go home!

LEELA: Okay by me!

A second later, their large smiles fade.

FRY: You have an escape plan to get out of this virtual world, right?

LEELA: You said YOU did!

FRY: I said I'd try to think of one. But I got busy playing video games and eating bacon. I just assumed you'd know that.

LEELA: (facepalms) Well, that's great. We're stuck here forever!

FRY: It might not be so bad. I hear there's a casino and an all-you-can-eat buffet.

On a bench nearby is a man wearing a pale suit, throwing seeds to some blue birds.

MAN: So it's LEAVING you desire. I know the way.

BENDER: Uh-oh, it looks like he's got a story to tell! RUN!

MAN: I BUILT this world, and for my efforts I was THE FIRST placed into it.

FRY: You DID?

MAN: Yes. I made it a paradise where elderly minds could mingle in sweet, calm solitude without all those annoying punk kids. *he points at Bender* But then YOU came in like a snake in Eden, winding you sinful ways around the tree of...

BENDER: (crosses his arms) My boredom chip is heating up again.

MAN: I'll show you the way out, if you'll beat it for good!

BENDER: DEAL!

LEELA: What's your name?

MAN: They call me THE ARCHITECT.

LEELA: They DO?

ARCHITECT: No, but I wish they would. Most call me Bob. The real JERKS call me BOB THE BUILDER.

The Architect leads them to a wall. In the middle is a large, glowing face.

ARCHITECT: Behold, THE EXIT!

FRY: What? THAT thing?

ARCHITECT: No, that's a sculpture I made of my grandson. The door's right there. *he points to a door a few feet away labeled 'Exit'* Don't let it hit you on the keister on the way out!

BENDER: (opens the door) Thanks, Bob the Builder!

Fry, Bender, and Leela fall through a long virtual tunnel yelling. Back in reality, they sit up in their drawers and pull the suckers off their heads.

LEELA: It worked!

FRY: Let's get to the ship!

They start to run away, but are stopped when two octogenarians appear into their path.

OCTOGENARIAN #1: HALT! Where do you think YOU'RE going?

Fry pulls two 'O's off a 'final rest-room' sign, throws them, and tangles up the Octogenarian's tentacles.

OCTOGENARIAN #2: HEY!

OCTOGENARIAN #1: NO FAIR!

BENDER: Nice job, buddy!

LEELA: I'm impressed!

Later, Fry sits with a pen and a book.

FRY: And that, dear diary, was the greatest moment of my life!

It's not much later, as Bender and Leela are just in front of the ship.

LEELA: Fry! Keep running!

FRY: Oh, right!

Later, on Earth...

Amy, Fry, the professor, and Leela stand in the hangar-lab, a sparkly Bender sitting on the table. There's also a bending unit on the floor.

PROFESSOR: I've downloaded all of Bender's memories into this NEW bending unit's body. Now he's legally only a few minutes old! So he can work here again and those Sunset Squad jerks will leave him alone!

FRY: What do you think of the new body?

BENDER: Not bad. It feels like it needs breaking in though!

AMY: How about a party? Technically, it's your birthday!

BENDER: Sounds good! The drinks are on Fry!

FRY: YAY! If anyone needs me, I'll be at the liquor store!

Later...

There are streamers and confetti on the floor of the lounge. Amy and Zoidberg have drinks while Fry holds one of Bender's arms as a limbo stick, which Hermes is under. On the wall is a banner that reads 'Happy re-birthday Bender!' 'Re' and 'Bender' are hand written.

FRY: Way to go, Hermes!

BENDER: (holds out his other arm) Lemme stick my arm in an electric socket, and we'll make this interesting.

The door bell rings and the professor answers it. Smitty and URL stand on the doorstep.

SMITTY: Hey! We had a noise complaint!

BENDER: (from inside) Isn't there a donut you could be making out with?

SMITTY: Who said that?

URL: Sounded like a bending unit!

They run inside. There is a Zapp Brannigan piñata hanging from the ceiling and Bender points at the lifeless bending unit on the floor.

BENDER: It was HIM! He's always badmouthing cops!

Smitty and URL begin beating the robot with their batons.

SMITTY: It's times like this that make being a cop worthwhile.

URL: You SAID it!

BENDER: (standing on a table) Drink up, everyone! You're only young twice!

The End!

Buddies