Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #41: Soldier Boys
Transcribed by Umbreon

ERIC ROGERS – SCRIPT

JOHN DELANEY – PENCILS

DAN DAVIS - INKS

NATHAN KANE – COLORS

KAREN BATES – LETTERS

BILL MORRISON - EDITOR


Bender stands in a red cap and gown, a gold '3008' hanging from his cap. He's holding up a diploma and weeping oil tears.

BENDER: ... And remember, my fellow Mars University graduates, if I, BENDER, the greatest robot ever built or imagined, can leave his hallowed institution CUMMA SUM AWESOME, then ANYONE can!

In the room are a bunch of boxes piled up. A blue-furred, hippie-looking alien is next to Bender.

ALIEN: Hey, what are you doing in my cap and gown with MY college degree?

BENDER: Er... I'm not really here, "man"! I'm just a by-product of your 4:20 STUDY BREAK!

ALIEN: (smiles) Far out...

Bender takes off the cap and gown and leaves the room.

A few minutes later...

Cubert, Dwight, Leela, Fry, the professor, Zoidberg, and Hermes are walking through Mars U when Bender catches up to them. Cubert and Dwight look very bored.

FRY: Hey, Bender. How's the DEGREE PILLAGING going?

BENDER: Fantastic! When we get back to Earth, I'll head over to NNYU and SELL these suckers to rich slacker kids!

VOICE: OMG, YOU GUYS ARE HERE!!

They all turn and see Amy, along with two other girls in Kappa Kappa Wong, standing on the sorority steps.

AMY: It's so great all of you volunteered as counselors for our sorority's annual SUMMER CAMP FOR KIDS!

PROFESSOR: If by "volunteer" you mean you'll WAIVE admission costs so Cubert and Dwight can participate, then OH MY YES! But if not, a PLAGUE on your sorority house, I hope your camp gets swallowed by a BLACK HOLE, and Zoidberg is FIRED!

AMY: (whispers) The boys are covered, but keep your voice down! We don't want the OTHER kids to know!

PROFESSOR: Oh right. Can I STILL fire Zoidberg?

AMY: Maybe we should wait until the camp is over.

Zoidberg stands in an old fashioned bathing suit with a duck floaty around his waist.

ZOIDBERG: All right, spawnlings, I'm Dr. Zoidberg, your SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR. First things first: GILL INSPECTION!

AMY: (pulls out a checklist) Now for everyone else's assignments: FRY, virtual team activities!

FRY: Word!

AMY: PROFESSOR, lethal inventions made from macaroni and paste!

PROFESSOR: Oh goody!

AMY: HERMES, botanical indoor farming!

HERMES: We'll grow crops EVEN MOM AND DAD can enjoy!

AMY: And LEELA, spaceship flight simulation!

LEELA: I'm on it!

FRY: Hey, where did Cubert and Dwight go?

HERMES: (watches Cubert run off) Over there with the rest of the herd!

VOICE: One at a time, my PREPUBESCENT SOLDIERS OF FORTUNE!

LEELA: (cringes) Oh no. Only ONE PERSON'S VOICE sends chills down my ponytail like that!

FRY: ROSIE PEREZ?

Most of the boys have run for a booth labeled 'Doop army training simulation'. Zapp and Kif are behind a desk.

KIF: Children, meet your supervisor for the Doop SPACE CADET TRAINING SIMULATION and "Zlaxim" magazine's 423rd most-eligible-starship captain... ZAPP BRANNIGAN, the captain of the starship Nimbus.

ZAPP: ... Or as I would have been called in Greek-ish times, ZAPPILUS STUDMO BRANNIGUS.

Dwight and Cubert stand in front of a sign-up sheet.

DWIGHT: (signs) This is going to be so much FUN! I can't wait to learn how to be a REAL Doop soldier!

CUBERT: (crosses his arms) My excitement cannot be quantified by man's archaic mathematical standards!

ZAPP: I have no idea what you said, but if it had to do with conquering INNOCENT cultures by BRUTE FORCE, then you're all right by me.

LEELA: Hermes, we can't let Cubert and Dwight sign up for this activity! Zapp will probably get THEM BOTH KILLED!

HERMES: Great cockatoo of Katmandu, Leela! It's SUMMER CAMP. If the boys want to play war, LET them! It's what boys DO!

ZAPP: (out of sight) Hmm... it looks like my ONE TRUE LOVE is back for a RETURN ENGAGEMENT!

LEELA: Zapp, I don't know how many times I've told  you—

ZAPP: (sits holding a large sandwich) EXCUSAY MWHA?

LEELA: Oh. Sorry. I thought you were talking to ME... you know, about US...?

ZAPP: All apologies, but have we MET?

LEELA: Good one, Zapp. It IS a refreshing change of pace from your usual lack of manners, though...

ZAPP: (sighs) Kif, please get rid of this woman so I can enjoy my lunch in PEACE.

KIF: (frowns) Ma'am, I'm afraid you need to step away from the captain now...

Leela walks away to talk to Fry and Amy while Zapp goes back to eating.

LEELA: Can you believe this? Zapp's acting like I'M the one obsessed with our stupid one-night stand all those years ago!

FRY: Well, you ARE the one bringing it up...

AMY: And I hate to say it, Leela... actually, no I DON'T... but it looks like Zapp has finally gotten OVER YOU!

The three of them walk away while Kif hands Cubert and Dwight uniforms.

LEELA: B-But he's acting like we've NEVER EVEN MET!

AMY: Don't fret, Leela. Kif is acting like he doesn't know me either, and it's making me want to rip his SKIRT OFF!

LEELA: Well, I don't want Zapp in THAT WAY! He's foul, he's rude, he has no concept of romance...

The next morning...

Fry and Leela walk out of a cabin in counselor uniforms as Bender walks up to meet them. Fry looks horrible.

LEELA: ... I mean sure, there IS something sexy about a man in uniform, but I am SO over him. I never think about that steamy night we had 2,879 days ago AT ALL. "Zapp who?", that's my mantra...

BENDER: Fry, you look like the business end of a POOPER SCOOPER. What up?

FRY: She wouldn't shut up about Zapp ALL NIGHT! I didn't sleep at all!

BENDER: That blows, but I've got my own hot mess to deal with. I heard my frat brothers at EPSILON RHO RHO are tarnishing my frat's legacy by doing good deeds on campus!

FRY: Wait! You can't LEAVE ME! She's driving me nuts!

BENDER: See ya! Wouldn't want to BE ya!

LEELA: Where's Bender going? Did he see Zapp today? Did Zapp say anything about ME? Not that I care. I SO don't...

A few minutes later...

Bender finds Oily, Fatbot, and two other robots picking up trash.

OILY: BENDER?! What are you doing back here at Mars University?!

BENDER: Well, unless you guys are collecting garbage to put inside the dean's hover-car, I'm here to kick your shiny, metal asses, OILY!

FATBOT: Um... yeah, about that... we stopped doing pranks a long time ago.

BENDER: Why the hell would you do something like THAT, Fatbot?!?

FATBOT: Because we've been REPROGRAMMED!

OILY: Dean Vernon had our prank software REPLACED with a community service chip.

FATBOT: We can't even remember how to pull a prank. We only know how to be fine, upstanding CITIZEN-BOTS!

Bender sits on a bench and lights a cigar.

BENDER: So the rumors are true. You've failed to uphold your oath to HIJINK and TOMFOOLERIZE when you became members of this fraternity.

FATBOT: We had to comply! Dean Vernon won't let us graduate until we've made up for all the TROUBLE we've caused.

BENDER: Everything's going to be all right, brothers! I'm back to re-educate you on the TRUE MEANING of fraternity life!

FATBOT: Does this mean I'll finally get some MORE ACTION?!

BENDER: One miracle at a time, PARLIAMENT CHUNKADELIC.

Meanwhile, across campus...

Zapp is holding a laser pistol in front of a crowd of boys. There are two alien targets hovering a few feet away, one covered in holes and smoking.

ZAPP: ...And THAT, my BLOOD-LUSTING TADPOLES, is how you fire a "warning shot" to let the enemy know you mean business.

CUBERT: Sir, maybe I'm just the idiot of the group, which is HIGHLY IMPROBABLE, but why do you need to fire 15 warning shots?

ZAPP: I'll be honest, Cadet Farnsworth... I fire as many warning shots as I can because killing my enemy is the LAST THING I want to do.

CUBERT: Because of your RESPECT for all life forms?

ZAPP: LIFE SCHMIFE! I have somewhat-trained soldiers who are poorly paid to get THEIR hands bloody... why should I??

Kif rolls out a large hover-rack that has laser rifles on it.

ZAPP: Now who wants to begin arms training with their very own laser rifle?

All the hands in the group go up.

Later that afternoon...

Dwight and Cubert head back to their cabin, tired and still wearing their Doop uniforms.

DWIGHT: Can you believe we got to simulate fighting inside a real life HOT ZONE with WORKING laser rifles?

CUBERT: (snorts) It's as if they were preparing us to fight in a REAL battle!

Meanwhile, there is a crack in the wall looking into the boys cabin from a small room.

VOICE: So, are our little soldiers coming along AS PLANNED?

ZAPP: Of course. And once we instill the Doop Philosophy of "war first, reason later," they'll be ready for DEPLOYMENT.

Whoever Zapp is talking to remains in the shadows in the corner of the room.

VOICE: Then carry on, Captain. Time is of the essence, and by all means... don't forget to have a drink YOURSELF.

ZAPP: (holding a tray of drinks) Aye aye, sir.

Zapp walks into the cabin with the tray of green drinks.

ZAPP: Excellent first day, soldiers. Now it's time for a little Doop BASIC TRAINING TRADITION where I share an energy drink with the men who will soon die for me in battle.

Cubert takes a glass and toasts with Zapp.

CUBERT: This is so REALISTIC! I bet none of the kids at my school are doing ANYTHING like this on their summer vacations!

ZAPP: Truer words, Cadet Farnsworth. TRUER WORDS...

That evening, in the campus cafeteria...

The professor, Zoidberg, Hermes, Bender, Fry, and Amy are sitting at a table eating when Leela walks up with a tray of food.

LEELA: Hey, guys, how was everyone's day, mine was good, kids were great, can't complain, so... did any of you happen to run into...

Everyone but Zoidgerg dashes away, leaving plates and napkins behind.

LEELA: ... ZAPP?

ZOIDBERG: So now everyone flees when LEELA enters the room, is it? Zoidberg's coming up in the world!

Leela looks over at Zapp's table, where he, Kif, and a few of the boys are eating.

LEELA: OH, there's Zapp. I should march over there and tell him how much his ignoring me DOESN'T bother me ONE BIT! *walks closer* Zapp, I know you know who I am, but that's not why I've come over here—

ZAPP: Ahhh, yes... I've been EXPECTING you!

LEELA: You HAVE??

ZAPP: Sure, you're the KITCHEN HELP, and you're here for MY TRAY. Keep up the GOOD WORK!

He tosses his tray over his head, right onto Leela's food. She moves behind Cubert and Dwight, who have their eyes open unusually wide.

LEELA: Did you see that? Zapp is such a JERK! It makes me so angry I just want to... RIP HIS CLOTHES OFF!

CUBERT: Must kill all Doop enemies...

DWIGHT: Doop victory at all cost...

LEELA: (she sits) No, you're RIGHT. I AM an idiot for even giving him the time of day.

CUBERT: Must spread Doop-ocracy through all violent means...

LEELA: I really appreciate you two talking to me. If there's ever anything you want to know about girls or kung fu or PAINLESS WEDGIE REMOVAL, I'm always around...

In the shadows, someone hits a button on a small controller and it makes a high-pitched whine.

CUBERT: Must return to cabin... must get sleep for full day of lethal training...

The children all stand and walk off in a single line.

LEELA: Hmm. Guess I'm not the only one falling under Zapp's SPELL...

The next evening...

Bender is pacing around the inside of the ERR house. On the tables around him are various prank materials: rolls of toilet paper, bananas, bags filled with something smelly, plastic wrap, glue, and a large steaming pot.

BENDER: On the table in front of you are the tools essential to being a GREAT PRANKSTER, the foundation of which this proud fraternity was BUILT! I'm taking you all out tonight to show you how to use these items once more, so that Mars University knows what we STAND FOR!

FATBOT: Don't they already know due to our GOOD DEEDS and VOLUNTEER WORK?

Bender kicks Fatbot in his shiny, metal ass.

FATBOT: OUCHIES!

BENDER: You probably think I did that because of my EXTREME DISGUST at having to look at your fat face, but alas, No! The REAL reason I kicked your shiny, metal ass is...

He turns Fatbot around so his back is facing the rest of the robots.

BENDER: I slapped a "KICK ME" STICKER on your back when you weren't looking! THIS is the kind of life lesson you need to take with you when you graduate, not that DO-GOODER CRAP!

OILY: OHHH...!

ROBOT #1: That looked FUN!

ROBOT #2: MY TURN!

Bender marches out of the house, the other robots right behind him.

BENDER: We're not wasting another prank on each other when there's a WHOLE WORLD of dopes out there for us to prey on! And I know EXACTLY which dope to start with!

A little later...

Fry is lying on a cot in the counselor's cabin, fast asleep.

BENDER: (whispering) Gently... gently...

Bender is hiding under Fry's bed while a robot with his finger up his nose is using a sponge to drip water on Fry's hand.

BENDER: (still whispering) Perfect, Pickler. Initiate step two...

Oily leans over Fry and uses a feather to tickle his nose.

FRY: Errmm... buzz off, stupid fly!

Fry reaches out and shoves Oily.

OILY: (whispers) Bender! Help!

BENDER: (peeks out from under the bed) Ah, the unintentional BACKFIRE! I couldn't have PLANNED it better!

Later...

Bender is holding a roll of plastic wrap in a bathroom while the other robots are crammed into a stall.

BENDER: The ol' "plastic wrap on the toilet seat" trick! This one NEVER fails!

Later, the professor walks into the bathroom.

PROFESSOR: (yawns) Time for my half-hourly tinkle...

An hour later...

The professor's feet are still in front of a toilet.

PROFESSOR: Oh come on... LET IT RAIN, damn you!

There is a single 'PLINK' on the plastic wrap.

PROFESSOR: AHHHH...

The professor walks out singing while the hiding robots snore.

Still later...

The robots are standing outside of a cabin.

BENDER: Boys, my traditional pranking methods aren't working tonight, so I'm going back to the basics.

FATBOT: What are you gonna do, Bender?

BENDER: (begins climbing in the window) This is Zapp Brannigan's cabin, and I'm going to STEAL all his money, jewelry, and any other valuables he was DUMB ENOUGH to bring.

OILY: And how exactly is THAT a prank?

BENDER: (turns) It's NOT, it just makes me FEEL BETTER after spending the night with you INCOMPETENT BROWN-NOSERS! Now BEAT IT!

He slams the window shut and begin looking around the room. In the middle is Zapp's heart-shaped cot.

BENDER: Okay, Crap Flabbigan, where do you hide your-WHUZZAT?!

There's a slightly open door a few feet away, with two voices filtering through.

VOICE #1: So, how is everything coming with "OPERATION: YOUTH MOVEMENT"?

VOICE #2: Right on schedule, old friend... Brannigan will have all of the boys ready to ship out BY TOMORROW AFTERNOON!

Bender peeks through the door and sees six heads in jars, each on top of a large robot body. One head is Nixon, another is Kim Jong Il, and the remaining four are guards.

NIXON: ... these LITTLE CADETS may be our most dedicated Doop recruits EVER! If I pull this off, Kim, the Doop won't need another soldier to VOLUNTEER ever again! We'll trick kids into drinking my NIXONADE brain-washing juice, and soon, there will be so many recruits that we'll start wars on every planet in the galaxy!

IL: If INDENTURED MILITARY SERVICE is wrong, Kim Jong don't wanna be right!

NIXON: I'll EAT to that!

A secret service robot sprinkles head food into Nixon's jar.

BENDER: Well ain't this CRAPTACULAR.

Later...

Bender is sitting on a cot in the counselor's cabin talking to Leela, who's sitting up in bed wearing a white nightgown.

BENDER: ... so to recap: Nixon's gonna send the kids off to fight his wars, and Zapp's all jacked up on Nixon's Kool-Aid concoction.

LEELA: Cubert and Dwight are in GRAVE DANGER!

She gets up, puts on her boots, and passes Fry and Hermes' beds on her way to the door.

LEELA: C'mon, you guys! We have to stop Zapp from sending the kids off to WAR!

FRY: (yawns) Leela, you'll make up any CRAZY STORY to get back with Zapp, won't you?

HERMES: Admit it, woman... you've got an ITCH only Brannigan can SCRATCH!

LEELA: This has NOTHING to do with how I feel about him! We have to save Cubert and Dwight's LIVES!

FRY: Who?!

ZOIDBERG: You know... the MOUTH-BREATHER and the annoying KNOW-IT-ALL.

Leela runs out of the cabin, where Bender is lighting a cigar and the professor is towing a large container of huge bananas with Guenter next to him.

LEELA: I'll go alone then... AS USUAL!

BENDER: Sounds like a PLAN, Leela.

PROFESSOR: Oh my yes. But before you skeedaddle, why not start your day off with a healthy breakfast... like a GENETICALLY-ENGINEERED MEGA-BANANA that my star-pupil Guenter created to feed my ALBINO-SHOUTING GORILLAS!

LEELA: I can't, I have to see Zapp!

PROFESSOR: MORE BANANAS for all of us then! Everyone DIG IN... except YOU, Zoidberg.

Hermes and Fry stand holding large slices of banana.

ZOIDBERG: Aww.

A few minutes later...

Leela runs into the boy's cabin. The bunks are empty.

LEELA: Dwight? Cubert! Oh no, I'm TOO LATE!

VOICE: Too late for WHAT, dearie?

Leela turns and is face-to-knee with Nixon's huge robot body.

LEELA: Listen, Mr. President's head, I know what you're up to, and I won't let you GET AWAY WITH IT!

NIXON: I haven't the FOGGIEST IDEA what you're talking about. But as long as you're here, HAVE A DRINK...

He holds out a glass of green liquid.

LEELA: (points) No way. I know what's in that cup! It's a drink you're using to turn the cadets AND Zapp into WAR-MONGERING ZOMBIES! Now tell me where the cadets are!

NIXON: You DO realize it's a FEDERAL CRIME to point a finger in the president's face, don't you?

LEELA: It IS?

NIXON: No, but note to self: put that in the CONSTITUTION. In the meantime... TAKE HER, boys!

Two secret service robots grab Leela's arms.

NIXON: Lock up LITTLE MISS FUN-SPONGE in Zapp's cabin. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have FRESH MEAT to send into battle.

LEELA: NOOOOO!!!

A little later...

Bender is lying in a bunk looking at robot porn when Fry walks in holding goggles and looking sad.

BENDER: Hey, meatbag, why the ZOIDBERG FACE?

FRY: The big virtual blernsball game against our rivals, Camp Jockstrap, was cancelled so the Doop could take all the boys on some FIELD TRIP.

BENDER: A field trip?! Are Cubert and Dwight there?!

FRY: Yep. Dressed in their little Doop uniforms and carrying laser rifles, just like all the other cadets. If I didn't know any better, I'd say they were heading off to fight a WAR!

Fry thinks back to the scene. Nixon, Zapp, and Kif are standing by as all the boys in uniforms march onto the Nimbus.

BENDER: (gasps) Leela was supposed to stop it from happening! Now I'm the only one left who CAN DO SOMETHING about it... *he turns and marches toward the door* If anyone needs me, I'll be at the pub drinking until I can think of SOMEONE ELSE who can save the day.

He walks out, past Oily and Fatbot, who are carrying a huge banana.

FATBOT: Bender, look what WE'VE got!

OILY: We thought we could use this giant banana for the ULTIMATE PRANK, but we're not exactly sure how. Can YOU teach us?

BENDER: Sorry, but you're on your own with THIS one. Make me proud, men... MAKE ME PROUD.

At the Nimbus, the kids continue to file into the ship.

ZAPP: Look at these brave boys, Kif. I should say a few INSPIRATIONAL WORDS before we take off. Find me one of those rousing old speeches from "Braveheart" or "The Tyra Banks Show," will you?

KIF: (salutes) Right away, sir.

NIXON: Captain, are the troops all ready?

ZAPP: They're the perfect little MINDLESS WAR MACHINES, your Presidntness.

NIXON: Well, let's get them to the front-lines then!

ZAPP: Oh no, I forgot my LUCKY GIRDLE! I'll run back to my cabin and get it, and then we'll get this party started, sir.

NIXON: Tick-tock, Brannigan, wars don't fight themselves!

A few minutes later...

Zapp walks into his cabin and finds Leela in the middle of the room, tied to a chair with a cloth over her mouth.

ZAPP: STALKER LADY?! How did you get in my room and tie YOURSELF to the chair?

LEELA: Mmrggmmllpphh!

ZAPP: (moves the gag) You MURGMED the MILLFITH?

LEELA: Zapp, shut up and LISTEN! Nixon has brainwashed you into sending those cadets off to fight a Doop war! You have to snap OUT of it and stop it from happening!

ZAPP: (begins untying Leela) Look, I don't know why you're OBSESSED with me, but you need HELP. Now kindly excuse yourself from my cabin. I have a MISSION to get to.

LEELA: Zapp, it's ME, Leela! We had that WILD AND CRAZY NIGHT together! Don't you remember ANY of it?!

ZAPP: (thinks) Are you talking about the 24-hour JENGA TOURNAMENT in my landlord's basement two weeks ago, because that WAS out of control...

LEELA: For the love of—! I guess I have to SHOCK some sense back into you!

She jumps on Zapp, kissing him while his eyes bug out.

ZAPP: MMM?! MMMMMMM...

Almost three minutes later...

Zapp and Leela are in his bed, with Leela holding up the edge of the blanket to cover herself.

ZAPP: Leela, thanks to that sexy jog down memory lane, my mind is BACK and in full working order! Along with OTHER VITAL ORGANS...

LEELA: I must have blinked and missed that part.

ZAPP: There's still time for ANOTHER MEET-AND-GREET...

Leela gets up, holding a sheet around herself.

LEELa: No, there's NOT! We have to stop Nixon!

Not much later, Zapp is dressed and Leela is back in her nightgown.

ZAPP: How did this happen? I would never willingly train CHILDREN for certain death. Midgets, telemarketers, and mimes without a SECOND THOUGHT, but kids? NEVER!

LEELA: (looking in a closet) You were brainwashed by a drink Nixon gave you AND the cadets! Now help me find something to wear. I can't FIGHT in this nightgown!

ZAPP: I have JUST the thing...

They burst out of the room, Leela wearing a huge, billowing garment.

LEELA: Zapp, I was hoping for something a little less TENT-LIKE...

ZAPP: But the official Doop MUUMUU is like wearing a SUPERHERO CAPE in the front AND back! And how 'bout that BREEZEWAY?!

A few minutes later...

Leela and Zapp run up to a few boys heading for the stairs of the Nimbus.

LEELA: Cubert, Dwight! STOP!!!

ZAPP: As captain of the Nimbus, I order you all to stand down and LOWER YOUR WEAPONS!

VOICE: They'll do NO SUCH THING...

They turn and see Nixon, with his secret service robots behind him.

NIXON: These boys are needed on the front lines for wars I've started all over the universe. They are the beginning of a NEW ERA of soldier that YOU'VE trained for duty. Congratulations, Captain... I couldn't have done it WITHOUT YOU!

Zapp looks at his hands, downcast, then bites on his wrist.

ZAPP: This CAN'T BE... What have I DONE?

LEELA: Nixon BRAINWASHED you. There's no way you could have known what you were DOING!

ZAPP: I won't let you commit MURDER by sending these lads to war! The only way they board this ship is over my DEAD BODY!

NIXON: Oh goody... my PREFERENCE!

Nixon presses a button on his chest, causing a high pitched whine. Cubert, Dwight, and a few other boys point their rifles at Zapp.

CUBERT: Must kill all Doop enemies... must spread Doop-ocracy through any and all violent means...

BENDER: (walks up drinking a bottle of beer) Hey, Leela, just wanted to let you know all these Doop brats are still in danger and you should DO SOMETHING about it, 'kay? 'kay.

LEELA: Nixon must be sending some sort of HIGH-FREQUENCY SIGNAL that's controlling the boys and forcing them to TURN ON US!

NIXON: Ah, SWEET MUSIC! Now get on the ship... you and your little robot, too! YOU will fly my little killing machines into battle.

A few minutes later...

Leela, Zapp, and Bender are on the bridge of the Nimbus.

LEELA: Zapp, what are we going to do? We CAN'T fly these kids into battle!

ZAPP: We don't have much of a choice.

NIXON: (over a video screen) The boys have been ordered to aim their weapons at your heads until you've reached your destination, KIWI-3... A planet of war-mongering LAMB CREATURES who migrated from New New Zealand during the MEAT WARS OF 2566! You try anything hinky or attempt to take them anywhere BUT Kiwi-3, and the boys will TERMINATE YOU. TRAVEL SAFE!

ZAPP: Leela, it was an honor and a privilege SERVICING you.

The Nimbus suddenly tilts as a warning siren goes off.

NIXON: What's going on up there? I told you to GET GOING!

ZAPP: Something's WRONG with the engines! They won't START!

BENDER: (looks out the window) They DID IT! They FINALLY did it!

LEELA: WHO did WHAT?!

BENDER: My frat brothers just nailed the OLDEST PRANK in the book... the BANANA-IN-THE-TAIL-PIPE TRICK!

Oily and Fatbot flee from the scene, their huge banana wedged in the Nimbus's tail pipe.

OILY: I feel so NAUGHTY!

FATBOT: Bender was right! THIS is what we were BUILT FOR!

NIXON: Get that ship in the air NOW, or the kids start their laser light show SANS the Led Zeppelin!

VOICE: I THINK NOT, Mr. President's head...

Nixon is suddenly surrounded by robots with various weapons and Kif, who has a gun and Amy hanging all over him.

KIF: Your Nixonade spell on me is BROKEN AS WELL, thanks to my girlfriend Amy and a little AFTERNOON DELIGHT! Now order the cadets to stand down, then get on the ground. I'm arresting you for HIGH TREASON!

AMY: Oh, Kif, if gets me so HOT when you talk like a REAL MAN!

NIXON: B-but all of these battle 'bots... where did they COME FROM?

VOICE: Oh my, I believe these dearies are all MY doing...

The Nimbus lands and Bender, Leela, and Zapp come down the steps.

BENDER: It's MOM!

MOM: ... yes it is. I'm here as a camp counselor as well, instructing the sweet orphans from the Cookieville Orphanarium. But instead of having them weave baskets or make papier-mâché, I've made them build WAR-READY ROBOTS in the hopes that SOMEONE might find them handy one day.

NIXON: These robots could solve ALL of my military recruitment problems!

MOM: Well, I'm sure for the right price I COULD continue working the orphans 20 hours a day to meet your needs.

GIRL: So tired... so VERY TIRED...

KIF: B-b-but what about TREASON? And the ATTEMPTED MASS MURDER?

LEELA: SCREW THAT! What about OUR near murder?!

ZAPP: Well, I've worked up an appetite. Who wants to grab dinner and hear how Leela SEXED ME back to my senses?

LEELA: Where's that Nixonade? I need to forget this ENTIRE WEEK...

BENDER: (hugs the other robots) You restored the legacy of Epsilon Rho Rho today! I'm so PROUD of all of you! Now let's get Fatbot some ACTION!

AMY: Um... what about the CADETS?

Cubert and Dwight are still on the ship, looking out a window and huge-eyed.

LEELA: Eh... LEAVE THEM. The Nixonade will wear off in a FEW DAYS...

The End

Buddies