BENDER: (holing a gun, holding up an alien in a souped up spaceship) Gimme your ship, or I'll fill you full of anti-matter! (we now see him on the ship's bridge with Fry playing virtual reality games) Man, this virtual reality game 'Grand Theft Spaceship' is great! Reminds me of the wild days of my youth. Like last week when I carjacked that spaceship!
FRY: I think I downloaded the wrong game. (Fry is seen in the game with an elderly man who can't even see over the wheel) The police are after us! Can't you drive any faster than twenty miles an hour? And you've had your left turn signal on all day! (takes off the virtual reality helmet and looks at the game) Aw man, this isn't 'Grand Theft Spaceship', it's 'Grandparent Theft Spaceship'! -sigh- I'm gonna go check on Leela! (walks in and sees Leela in a sleeping chamber, similar to a cryogenic tube) She's so pretty when she's in hypersleep.
BENDER: And when she's sleeping and the ship's on auto pilot, we don't have anyone to boss us around!
FRY: (walks away as a facehugger crawls across the glass door. He comes back with a rolled up newspaper and hits it off the sleep chamber) Darn facehuggers! We just sprayed for those! (comes back to the bridge and tries to take Bender's game) Let me try your game!
BENDER: Naw! You're a lousy driver. You'd crash my spaceship!
FRY: My driving is all kinds of awesome in the game and real life!
BENDER: Ha! You'd never have the guts to drive this ship like you would in a video game!
FRY: You're right. It'd be irresponsible.
BENDER: I double dog dare you...
FRY: You're on!
Fry is seen flying the Planet Express ship through and around asteroids.
BENDER: Nice work, buddy, but if this really was a game, there'd be a little more reckless endangerment!
FRY: Okay, see that ship ahead of us? Time for a little game of 'chicken'! (Fry flies the ship directly into the path of the oncoming ship)
HYPERCHICKEN: (flying the other ship) What the -buck-caw?- (both ships swerve to avoid each other and crash into asteroids)
LATER AT THE HALL OF TRAFFIC JUSTICE...
JUDGE WHITEY: Mr. Fry, these are some very serious charges! I hope you have a good lawyer.
FRY: I do, your Honor! The court gave me this one for free! (points to the Hyperchicken) Wait a minute, don't I know you from somewhere?
HYPERCHICKEN: Your Honor, this boy's as guilty s a star-fox in a space-henhouse!
STAR FOX: (jumps up in the Jury's box) That's not FAIR! Those charges were DROPPED!
PEPPY HARE: Easy, S. F., easy!
JUDGE WHITEY: Mr. Fry, I'm taking away your license until you complete spaceship traffic school!
FRY: Ha! Jokes on YOU, your Honor! I never HAD a license!
TWO WEEKS IN JAIL FOR CONTEMPT OF COURT LATER...
FRY: (walking into Traffic School) Hermes? You're in traffic school? What did they catch you doing? Was it something jerk related?
HERMES: The only jerks HERE are the ones who won't obey the laws of space traffic! I'm TEACHIN' this course!
FRY: Really? Why?
HERMES: I like to be out of the house on Tuesday nights. It's when me wife watches her 'Intergalactic Idol' program. Those singers sound like they were being choked by a sugar snake. Now go find a seat! (facing the class) Now you all know why you're here!
KIF: Because Captain Brannigan made me.
BRANNIGAN: Quiet, Kif! You're embarrassing yourself!
HERMES: You may think spaceship driving is all about good times!
FRY: Whoo! Good times!
HERMES: Quiet, Fry! Now all of you, take a look at this film! (He hits a button on a remote and starts a film titled 'Gruesome Crashes'- an Itoldyouso Production. The film shows the Jetson's crashed, the Millenuim Falcon sticking out of the Alderan Elementary School, the Eagle from Space 1999 sinking in the ocean, and the Enterprise in flames about to crash on a planet)
ZAPP: Boring! (throws a paper airplane into Fry's hair)
FRY: HEY! Quit it!
ZAPP: (pulls out his gun) Don't worry, Fry. I'll get that out of your hair for you! (shoots at the paper airplane)
FRY: AAAAAH! (Fry's hair is on fire, and he's running around frantically)
HERMES: Fry, quit messsin' about! (follows him outside where he puts his head out in a water fountain) Get back in class right now, or I'll fail you!
FRY: (comes back in, completely bald) This isn't over!
ZAPP: Oh please, don't send your X-men after me!
ONE HAIR TRANSPLANT LATER...
HERMES: Very good, Fry, you've mastered parallel parking!
HERMES: Now it's time to test you on PARALLEL UNIVERSE parking! You and a group of Frys from alternate dimensions are going to trey to get the one parking spot left. I'm opening the inter-dimentional gateways now! (suddenly Fry is surrounded by many other Frys trying to get their ships into the one spot)
FRY 1: Come on!
WOLF FRY: Get out of the way!
MUPPET FRY: Let me in!
FEMALE FRY: Ladies first!
FRENCH NATIONALIST FRY: I am, 'ow you say, a French Fry!
ROBOT FRY: 010011010100111 10101011001000 1010000110100 001010!
HERMES: I'm giving you an incomplete!
FRY: That's not fair! No one can do it!
ORANGE HORRIBLE GELATINOUS BLOB: After you!
HORRIBLE GELATINOUS BLOB: No please, after you!
BLUE HORRIBLE GELATINOUS BLOB: I insist! (all three combine into a tri-colored blob driving a tri colored ship)
HERMES: Well done!
FRY: -Hrrrmf!- That's not fair!
ZAPP: Spoken like a true failure.
FRY: You failed this test too and then broke down crying over It!
ZAPP: Yes, but I have a winner's spirit. So really it was THE TEST that failed ME! You, on the other hand, have the soul of a looser, Fry, and that's all you'll ever be.
FRY: Am not!
ZAPP: Are too!
FRY: Am not! Am not!
ZAPP: Are too! Are too!
R2D2: -Beep Boop?-
ZAPP: Oh, no, I wasn't talking to you, sorry!
FRY: Okay, we'll see who's the looser! I challenge you to a race!
ZAPP: A race? To where?
FRY: To the end of the universe!
ZAPP: (sweating and nervous) Well, I'd accept in a second, but neither of us has our spaceship driver's licenses.
HERMES: (walks up to Fry and Zapp) You both BARELY passed! Here are your spaceship driver's licenses!
ZAPP: Oh. That's... great.
FRY: (waving his license) Well, Zapp?
KIF: -Sigh- Captain Brannigan has a doctor's note saying he's not allowed to race.
FRY: I double dog dare you!
ZAPP: Very well, you leave me no choice! Kif! Race in my place!
KIF: You wouldn't let me get a spaceship driver's license, remember? You said it might encourage me to mutiny.
ZAPP: FINE! I'll race you!
SAL: Youze guys is having a race? Is it for money? Cause old Sal wants in! (the rest of the class gathers around)
HATTIE: Hattie, too! We all want in!
FRY: Sure, how about five hundred Quatloos?
MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE: Oh, the Quatloovian economy is so unstable these days. How about we just make it five hundred dollars, total?
ZAPP: (aside to Fry) And as a side bet between you and me! (whispers to Fry)
FRY: What? No I don't think...
ZAPP: I double dog...
FRY: FINE! You're on!
THE NEXT DAY...
Many ships are seen lined up. Amy is in a space suit holding a racing flag.
FRY: Thanks for being our flag girl, Amy!
AMY: No problem. I minored in Sexy Flag Dropping in Mars University. On your marks, get set... (everyone flies by her) GAH!
FRY: Thanks for helping me out, Bender!
BENDER: I've always wanted to be a mechanic during a race!
FRY: Since when?
BENDER: Since I found out about the money! (suddenly the ship gets rammed by a red ship)
FRY: Hey, who's that guy ramming us?
BENDER: Looks like he's driving a diesel ship!
DIESEL DRIVEL: Heh heh!
BENDER: Well, two can play at that game! I'll be in the airlock if my bookie calls! (reaches out of the airlock and punches the other ship) Never ram someone with a ram chip!
DIESEL DRIVER: (crashes into an asteriod) XXX!!!
FRY: Good job, Bender!
LEELA: (walks on the bridge rubbing her eye and yawning) -Yawn!- What did Bender do that was so great?
FRY: (shocked) Oh hey, Leela!
LEELA: What the-!? Is this date on my wrist-ka-bob right? You were supposed to wake me in three hours! It's been three WEEKS!
FRY: Really? Well, we've been kinda busy!
ONE EXPLANATION LATER...
LEELA: Well, this race is over! No way are you using the Planet Express ship for something so shallow and stupid! Turn around! We're heading home!
ZAPP: (on the monitor above the pilot's seat) Greetings losers and -oooh- lovely lady! I just wanted to take a break from winning this race to let you know there's no shame in quitting!
LEELA: Well, you'll be happy to know that's JUST what we're doing!
ZAPP: Good! Good! No offense, but that garbage scow of yours never stood a chance.
LEELA: Garbage scow? GARBAGE SCOW!?
ZAPP: Kif, check the sound levels. I'm getting an echo in here!
LEELA: Bender, full power to the engines! Fry, man the navigation console! We've got a race to win!
ZAPP: Kif, it's time to using strategy!
KIF: You mean cheat?
ZAPP: Tomato, to-mah-to! Channel music to the ship ahead of us. Track three on my bootleg lullaby CD!
SAL: (listens as Brahm's Lullaby comes through his speakers) What's this? I was too lazy to brings music along! If youze think this'll slow me down, then... youze...
ZZZZZ! (falls asleep and goes off course)
BENDER: Leela! Captain Brannigan's playing dirty. Permission to lower ourselves to his level?
BENDER: (taps on Horrible Gelatinous Blob's window dressed in a tux and top hat) Excuse me? Do you have any Snooty Fancy Pants Mustard?
HORRIBLE GELATINOUS BLOB: What? I can't hear you! Let me roll down the window! (does so) That's better! What? (gets sucked out) Oh right! The vacuum of space.
ZAPP: Kif! Fire the sign out of torpedo tube one!
KIF: Doing it now, sir!
HATTIE: (sees the sign fly by) Huh? What's that sign say? ( the sign stops in front of her and says 'FREE KITTENS' with an arrow pointing off the race's course) Well isn't that nice! (She then flies past another sign saying 'DANGER BLACK HOLE' and gets sucked in) What the ka-jigger? (pops out of a vortex right over a planet and crashes on it's surface. She crawls out of the wreckage where the Thundercats come to her aid)
LION-O: Are you all right?
PANTHRO: Can we help you?
HATTIE: (starts petting and scratching them) Aren't you adorable!
LION-O: What are you doing that?
PANTHRO: This is creepy! Help!
MEANWHILE BACK ON THE PLANET EXPRESS SHIP...
FRY: What's wrong, Bender?
BENDER: I was going to sabotage the robot Minister's ship, but I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't hurt a machine of the cloth.
FRY: Sounds like you're getting a conscience.
BENDER: Ugh! I'll get a virus program to kill that as soon as we win this thing!
PREACHERBOT: We're in the lead, Praise be!
MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE: Looks like that booster engine I installed is working!
PREACHERBOT: Where did you get it?
MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE: I used some of the spare parts that were used to make me!
PREACHERBOT: But you always explode under stress! How did you stop that from happening?
MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE: Um... (their ship explodes. Now just the Nimbus and the Planet Express ship are left)
LEELA: It's just the two of us now! Bender, activate the hyperdrive!
ZAPP: Kif, make the ship do the super fasty thing!
LEELA: The end of the universe is up ahead! No one knows what's beyond that! We need to slow down, or we'll hit it!
FRY: But if we slow down we loose!
KIF: Sir, we need to reduce speed!
ZAPP: No, Kif, if my calculations are correct, the end of the universe is soft and fluffy like a velour pillow.
LEELA: We're not committing suicide for a stupid bet! Turn back now!
BENDER: I double dog dare...
LEELA: That only works on idiots! I'm turning back now! (she does so at the very last second, as the Nimbus smashes through the end of the universe into nothingness)
ZAPP: We did it, Kif! We won!
KIF: Yes, sir. But where ARE we?
ZAPP: (opens a hatch and walks out and looks around) Looks like NOWHERE!
KIF: (taking readings) The ship's sensors agree! There's nothing here. Not even a vacuum to suck us out the door!
ZAPP: -ACHOOOO!- (sneezes and shoots green snot everywhere)
KIF: Sir! I bought you that handkerchief for your birthday! Why don't you ever use it!
ZAPP: (wipes his nose on his glove) Sorry, Kif. I'm allergic to nothing.
KIF: You have no allergies listed in your medical file.
ZAPP: That's what I said. I'm allergic to NOTHING and there's NOTHING all around here! If there's no air, why aren't we dead?
KIF: I can only assume there's no death here. So we're trapped,unable to die, forever.
ZAPP: (points at the hole they came through) Just fly this ship through that hole.
KIF: I can't start the engine. The laws of physics don't work here. Because they don't exist. We're doomed! So I want to take this opportunity to give you this letter telling you how I really feel about you! (a line is shot through the hole and hits the Nimbus)
ZAPP: A lifeline! We're saved! Huzzah! Now what was that about a letter, Kif?
KIF: What letter?
Back on the Planet Express Ship...
ZAPP: Leela, Fry, robot, you've earned our eternal thanks!
LEELA: Just admit this ship isn't a garbage scow, and we're even!
ZAPP: I'll happily do that. But we're not even until I get that $500 in my bank account tomorrow!
ZAPP: And of course once I collect on our side bet!
LEELA: (turns to Fry) which was?
FRY: I may have promised him a DATE with you.
LEELA: (turns to Zapp) Well, let me give you what's coming to you.
LEELA: -Hi-YAAA!- (Leela round house kicks Fry and Zapp, knocking teeth out and knocking Zapp's toupee loose)
ZAPP: That was FAST!
FRY: And FURIOUS!
SEVEN BILLION YEARS LATER, IN A GALAXY NOT TOO FAR AWAY...
A snot green tinted galaxy is zoomed in on, showing planets, then a city, a school, and finally a class room)
TEACHER: And who can tell me how the universe began?
STUDENT: A big bang?
TEACHER: Otherwise known as THE GREAT GESUNDHEIT! Open your textbooks to page fifty!
You may think this a GROSS way to end a story, but it's SNOT!