Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #47: Chitty Chitty Bend Bend
Transcribed by Umbreon

PATRIC M. VERRONE – SCRIPT

JAMES LLOYD – PENCILS

DAN DAVIS – INKS

NATHAN HAMILL – COLORS

KAREN BATES – LETTERS

BILL MORRISON - EDITOR


Bender is tied to a circular dart board and is being spun rapidly.

BENDER: Bring it on, meatbag!

Fry stands a few feet away holding knives.

FRY: Here goes nothing!

He throws one of the knives and it wedges right between Bender's eyes.

BENDER: Yowch!

Fry helps Bender down from the dart board. It's set up in the lounge and Leela sits on the couch reading a magazine.

FRY: Are you okay, Bender?

BENDER: You got rid of my sinus migraine! You should become an acupuncturist. Or at least a butcher.

FRY: Those ARE my two dreams...

CUBERT: (walks in) Didn't you two hear the professor calling? He's got good news.

The professor walks in, wearing a green hat with a yellow feather in it.

PROFESSOR: Good news, everyone!

CUBERT: See?

PROFESSOR: (lifts his hat) Or, since we're about to go to Germany, should I say, "Gute nachrichten, jeder."

FRY: What's that supposed to mean?

Cubert, Bender, Leela, Fry, and the professor all walk into the hangar. In front of the ship is something covered in a large sheet.

PROFESOR: It means we're all going to the mother of all fatherlands to show off my latest invention at the Berlin Air and Space show.

LEELA: Is this a harebrained scheme or just a regular wacky invention?

PROFESSOR: I'm a man of science, so let me answer as dispassionately as possible. *he pulls out a cross* Back off, SHE-DEMON!

He grabs a rope, which is connected to the large sheet.

PROFESSOR: Now then, people all over the world gasped when they first saw a MOTORCAR that could FLY, so grab your gaspers as I unveil...

He yanks on the rope. The sheet lifts and reveals what looks like a car version of the Planet Express ship.

PROFESSOR: ... a spaceship that can DRIVE!!

LEELA: Uh... Professor, exactly WHY did you build this thing?

PROFESSOR: Again, allow me to answer scientifically.

This time, he pulls out a wooden cross and a string of garlic that's suddenly around his neck.

PROFESSOR: Be gone, DEVIL WOMAN! Any other questions?

FRY: Does this "spaceship that can drive" do anything else? Like... uh... fly through space?

PROFESSOR: Don't be ridiculous, Fry. Of course it does other things. How do you expect me to get it across the Atlantic Ocean?

He replaces his glasses with his driving goggles and gets in the car.

PROFESSOR: It floats! Now everyone get in, and grab an oar. Germany's upstream, you know.

Fry starts to climb into the backseat.

FRY: Okay, but lederhosen makes my butt sweaty.

LEELA: (grabs Fry's jacket) Hang on, Fry. Professor, don't you think a month at sea might be bad for your new invention? If you put it in the cargo hold of the ship, we could have it there in five minutes.

PROFESSOR: But as a scientist, I must remind you...

He holds out a cross in one hand, a string of garlic in another, and a voodoo doll of Leela with three pins in it in a third.

PROFESSOR: Stand down, SATANISTA! Although the salt water COULD damage the undercoating... all right, we'll take the ship.

BENDER: (turns to Cubert) In Germany, do they sell beer to robots?

CUBERT: In Germany, they sell beer to CHILDREN.

BENDER: Ach du lieber, then you'd better come with us!

CUBERT: Nah. Conventions and trade shows are always time wasters. The real story won't begin 'til you get back. And besides, can't you make beer in your body like you did when--?

Cubert turns back around to see that everyone and the ship are gone.

CUBERT: Where'd everybody go?

The ship gets to Germany, heading for a large open area where there are ships of different kinds. A banner reads 'Berlin Air and Space show, formerly Berlin Air and Sauerbraten show'. The ship lands and everyone comes down the stairs.

PROFESSOR: I wonder where they'll want me to display my DRIVING ship.

LEELA: Probably a parking space.

The professor walks up to a booth, where there's a man that looks exactly like Sal except that he has a mustache.

PROFESSOR: Willkommen!

WILL: Yah, dat's meins name. Will Kommen. I comes from a longs line of greeters.

PROFESSOR: I have an invention I'd like to display.

WILL: Then youse needs to speaks with the air show promoters.

PROFESSOR: Where are they?

WILL: There's only one promoters. And he's rights over theres.

The professor walks further into the grounds.

PROFESSOR: WERNSTROM!

WERNSTROM: Fancy meeting you here.

PROFESSOR: I'm here to show off my latest invention!

WERNSTROM: Harebrained or wacky?

FRY: Harebrained.

BENDER: Wacky.

LEELA: Jackass-tastic.

PROFESSOR: Wernstrom, you're a man of science...

WERNSTROM: Yes, and I have my cross, garlic necklace, and voodoo paraphernalia at the ready. So what?

PROFESSOR: Let me display my new invention, and you can have my student intern.

WERNSTROM: (thinks for a second) The cute one in the pink sweat suit?

The professor conjures up the mental image of Hermes in Amy's sweat suit.

PROFESSOR: That's right.

WERNSTROM: Very well. Set it up in the airspace above the penguin-on-a-stick stand.

The professor walks over to the ship's cargo lift, where the car sits covered by a sheet again.

PROFESSOR: Oh, I won't need airspace above anything because my invention is... (pulls away the sheet) ... a SPACE-MO-CAR!

WERNSTROM: What are those strange round wheely things?

PROFESSOR: (climbs into the car) Yes, gaze upon them with envy, Wernstrom. I call them "wheels!"

WERNSTROM: What do they do?

PROFESSOR: Watch and learn.

The professor starts the car and it clangs forward.

WERNSTROM: You mean it rolls under its own power?

PROFESSOR: That's right, baby. It rolls!

WERNSTROM: It rolls!

Wernstrom and the crowd begin laughing.

WILL: It rollses! Hardys hars hars.

MAN: Es rollt!

MAN #2: Ho ho ho!

FRY: Heh heh heh.

Leela slaps the back of Fry's head.

FRY: What? It was infectious!

The professor rolls the vehicle back onto the cargo lift of the ship and hoists it up.

WERNSTROM: Get a pegasus!

A week later...

Fry, Cubert, and Bender are sitting on the floor in front of the door to the Professor's bedroom when Leela and Amy walk up to them.

LEELA: Any news?

CUBERT: Nothing. He hasn't come out of his room for days.

BENDER: If it wasn't for his nonstop wheezing and coughing, we might start worrying about him.

FRY: I'm not leaving here until he comes out.

AMY: Well, we had an extra ticket to the lingerie modeling show but--

Fry quickly gets to his feet.

FRY: I guess a week is long enough.

LEELA: (grabs his arm) Slow down, hot shot, the ticket was for the professor.

PROFESSOR: (through the door) Bender! Come quick! I need you!

BENDER: ME?! Did he call for ME?!

CUBERT: Yes, and it sounds like he invented the telephone.

The door opens and Bender walks in. The professor is in a blue chair.

PROFESSOR: Bender, I haven't been this depressed since my prize octoswine ran away.

BENDER: Yeah, those babies can move pretty fast. Must be all those legs.

PROFESSOR: But then I thought of something that you could do for me. You know how you're always saying, "kill all humans?"

BENDER: It IS one of my catchphrases. You don't want me to kill all humans, do you?

PROFESSOR: Oh no, something much simpler...

Bender walks out to the still waiting group.

CUBERT: What happened in there?

FRY: What did he say?

BENDER: He says there's something I can do for him to cheer him up.

LEELA: What?

BENDER: Euthanize him.

CUBERT: What?! You can't do that.

Bender puts his hands on Cubert's shoulders.

BENDER: I know.

LEELA: That's a relief. You never know with you.

BENDER: (looks down sadly) Yeah, I can't do something if I don't know what it means.

CUBERT: It means "kill him!"

BENDER: Oh! I guess I CAN do it, then.

CUBERT: No. You can't.

BENDER: All he wants to do is put a doomsday device inside my chest cavity and have me fall on him. Look, it's all going to be very discreet, so it looks like an accident. For the insurance.

LEELA: You can't do it.

BENDER: But I always wanted to be a walking bomb.

CUBERT: You mean, like you already are thanks to the bomb that was planted inside you on the ball planet...?

The professor's door opens again and he storms out.

PROFESSOR: What's all this commotion? Did someone call a busybody congress?

CUBERT: Dad, you can't kill yourself.

FRY: Not without changing your will.

Leela punches the back of Fry's head.

FRY: Ow! You're gonna dislodge my concussion plate.

PROFESSOR: Oh, pish posh. I'm not going to kill myself. Go back to your busybody lives, you busybodies.

Bender and the professor lean toward each other.

PROFESSOR: (whispers) Meet me in the doomsday parlor.

BENDER: (whispers) I'll bring the insurance papers.

In the doomsday parlor, Bender sits on a table while the professor shows him a Sphere-O-Boom and a screwdriver.

PROFESSOR: Now, when I install this, you might feel a slight biting sensation on your shiny metal ass.

BENDER: That sounds normal.

The professor opens Bender's chest cabinet and climbs halfway in.

PROFESSOR: Turn your head and cough.

Bender coughs and spits out an explosive plunger.

BENDER: So what happens to me when I blow you up?

PROFESSOR: Well, you'll most likely be blown to smithereens as well.

BENDER: Smithereens? You know, Professor, I might be having some second...

The professor takes the plunger, readies it, and pushes it down. Bender's ass explodes, which causes him to fly forward and out the window, totally missing the professor.

BENDER: THOOOOUUUGHTS!

PROFESSOR: I'm a disgrace to the Kevorkian Club. And I'm a lifetime member, too.

Bender keeps flying, passing the Statue of Liberty.

BENDER: HEEEELLLPP!

Next, he goes straight through the mayor's office.

POOPENMEYER: What the--?!

Bender soars over the city, eventually crashing into the large billboard that the Planet Express ship heads into all the time. After that, he flies through a women's dressing room. A few seconds later, he comes back through with his camera.

BENDER: Neat.

He bounces off a few more building roofs before the flame from his ass starts to die down.

BENDER: I'm no physicist, but I don't think I'm being propelled like some jerk by the original blast any more.

He changes direction and does a loop.

BENDER: I'm FLYING!! Like some jerk.

Meanwhile...

The professor is locked in his room. In is hand is a soda can that reads 'Hemlock Zero'.

LEELA: (from outside) Professor!! Open this door! Don't make us use our skeleton key!

Leela, Fry, and Cubert burst into the room, Fry holding a skull with a key coming out of its eye.

CUBERT: Dad! No!

Cubert takes the can of soda while Fry and Leela look out the shattered window.

CURBERT: He poisoned himself!

LEELA: And Bender must have jumped out the window.

FRY: Then why isn't his lifeless, crumpled body embedded in the sidewalk?

PROFESSOR: (sits up) Lifeless, crumpled body? Where do I sign up?

CUBERT: Dad! You're alive. But didn't you drink that poison?

PROFESSOR: That was my intention, but, alas, I dozed off. Damn my narcolepsy.

FRY: So where's Bender?

PROFESSOR: Bender? I'll tell you where Bender is. He's--

The professor passes out and begins snoring, leaving Fry, Cubert, and Leela with the same unamused look.

Here's Bender...

Bender flies over the city, hands behind his head and kicking through the air.

BENDER: The old coot must have installed some kind of jet propulsion in my ass. Sure beats the one he has installed in HIS.

He evens out his flight path and ends up side-by-side with a plane, reaching into his chest.

BENDER: I feel like a flying iron man. Namely, IRON MAN.

He opens an Olde Fortran and waves to the pilots, who have beers as well. Bender then tilts downward.

BENDER: I wonder if I can dive bomb.

Soon, his face and upper chest are buried in a street and his body is lightly smoking.

BENDER: I can. But I better learn to "pull up." You know, this presents a host humanitarian possibilities.

He yanks his head free from the street.

BENDER: And numerous anti-social ones, much more suited to my taste.

He soars upward again.

BENDER: I wonder if I can fly under the radar in protected airspace.

In short order, Bender is doing loops over a small military installation while soldiers fire at him.

BENDER: Nope. Better get a cloaking device.

He lands and walks into a store called 'The Hood Guys'. In the window are a few costumes and a sign that reads 'Sale: Klanwear for the discriminating racist'.

BENDER: I need something to avoid detection when I'm airborne.

He walks out a short time later, wearing a raven costume. A man standing at a bus stop gives him a quizzical look.

BENDER: Quit staring. All he had in my size was this or Cupid.

Later...

The professor is in his chair, drooling.

PROFESSOR: Zzzz... wha--?! I just had the weirdest dream about Bender. He was flying all over Manhattan dressed as a bird.

FRY: It's no dream.

He holds up a newspaper that has a picture of Bender in his costume. The headline reads 'Birdbot terrorizes city.'

LEELA: Tell us what happened to Bender. Before you fall asleep again.

PROFESSOR: Not until you tell me why I'm dressed like this.

He looks down at the straightjacket that's wrapped around him.

CUBERT: It's for your own good. You're a danger to yourself.

PROFESSOR: I'm no more a danger to myself than I am to any of you. *glares* Now get me out of this so I can slit all your throats. After I finish slitting my wrists.

FRY: Well, okay...

He reaches out to the Professor, who smiles, but Leela grabs Fry's arm to stop him.

LEELA: No! We're not going to let him kill himself. Or us. At least not until he tells us what happened to Bender.

PROFESSOR: (gestures with his head) Oh, ask him yourself.

VOICE: Ask me what?

Everyone turns to see Bender, still dressed as a bird, climbing in the broken window.

FRY: Bender?! What happened to you?

BENDER: Didn't the Professor tell you?

PROFESSOR: I've been trying, but they keep--

He passes out again, snoring loudly.

BENDER: He installed something that was supposed to blow us to smithereens, but instead it makes me fly.

FRY: You can fly?

BENDER: Yeah, and it's great! You can look in people's windows and drop stuff from overpasses without being near an overpass. Plus, it lets you be a second story man... on the 20th story!

LEELA: Bender, are you sure that's the best use of the ability to fly?

He stares back blankly, then turns.

BENDER: By a country mile! *he grabs Fry's hand* C'mon, Fry, I'll fly you around for a country mile. The best part is... I've always wanted to have a super power.

CUBERT: But didn't you have super powers when you were in the New Justic--?

Without waiting for Cubert to finish, Bender drags Fry out the window.

FRY: WHOOOAAA!!

BENDER: Off, off, and we go!

He takes off over the water with Fry sitting on his back.

FRY: Far out, Bender!

BENDER: I know, it's cool, right?

FRY: No! You're too far out... and I'm slipping *he falls* OFFFFFFF!

BENDER: (dives) I'll save you, little buddy!

FRY: AAAAAAGH!

Bender catches Fry just above the ground and pulls up, keeping them both from slamming into the sidewalk.

BENDER: Gotcha! You can stop screaming like a girl now.

FRY: I wasn't screaming like a girl.

MAN: Did you see that? That birdbot saved that man who screamed like a girl.

FRY: I wasn't screa--

WOMAN: He's NOTHING like that OTHER robot that flies around, looking into people's windows.

An older woman walks up and kisses Bender's cheek.

OLD WOMAN: He's a HERO!

BENDER: No, I'm not. I'm just an ordinary robot in a bird costume that can fly and drop bricks from my chest cavity on unsuspecting--

VOICE: Help!!

The crowd turns and sees Hattie pointing up at a tree.

HATTIE: My cat is stuck up in that tree. Do something, you whatchamacallit... HERO!

BENDER: (flies up) Oh, alright. Off, off, and we go!

When Bender gets into the tree, there's a flurry of leaves and sharp claws.

BENDER: Son of a--! Grrrrr! *&%$#!

He comes down with an orange cat, slightly beaten up and his costume torn. The cat has a piece of black fabric in its mouth.

BENDER: Here you go, ma'am.

HATTIE: Oh good. You tenderized her. She'll cook up good. Thanks, kajigger.

VOICE: Oh, Mr. Flying Robot!

A man points at a building across the street that is on fire. Several small robots are on the roof, waving their hands.

MAN: There's a fire on the thirteenth floor of my fourteen story orphan factory! DO something already!

BENDER: Ugh.

Bender flies up and lands on the roof, the robot orphans running to him.

BENDER: If I had known I would have to save you guys, I wouldn't have STARTED this fire.

Soon after...

Leela, Bender, and Fry are watching the news in the lounge at Planet Express.

LINDA: And so the plucky flying robot saved the orphan robots as well as the machinery known as "The Widow Maker."

MORBO: Leaving one more target on my list of ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION!

LEELA: Bender, what's wrong? I thought you liked getting multimedia attention.

BENDER: Not for doing GOOD deeds. I have a reputation to protect.

The professor and Hermes walk in.

PROFESSOR: Then you won't like this... *he lift his hand* ... good news, everyone! I've patented my flying robot plans, and I got a new lease on life.

HERMES: They issue life leases at the patent office now?

PROFESSOR: We have just enough time to go back to Germany for the air show! Bender will be my greatest invention since the spaceship that can drive!

Bender pulls away as the Professor reaches out for his arm.

BENDER: No way. I'm outta here!

LEELA: Where are you going?

BENDER: I'm going to do what anyone would do when they're as depressed and confused as me. I'm going to drink heavily and wander aimlessly around a bad neighborhood.

FRY: (phews) THAT'S a relief.

After some wandering, Bender is in front of the First Amalgamated Church.

BENDER: Hmmm. This looks like a place to get answers. Or at least a drink.

Bender goes inside and sits in a confessional.

BENDER: Father, something isn't computing for me. When I do bad things, it makes me feel good. But when people make me do GOOD things I feel bad. Now my boss wants me to do a good deed for him, but I know I'm going to disappoint him, which makes it a bad thing, and that should make me happy, but is isn't. What should I do, Father?

Across from him, the man is snoring. Bender peeks out of the confessional at the other booths.

BENDER: That guy's as much help as the professor. Lemme try this one.

The next booth Bender tries leaves him across from Preacherbot.

BENDER: ... And it feels like I've got an extra goto 10 line. Am I crazy?

PREACHERBOT: No, my son. There is an extra goto 10 line in all of us. That just means that the answer is inside you.

BENDER: You mean everyone has a fatal bug?

PREACHERBOT: No, my son. There is an extra goto 10 line in all of us. That just means the answer is inside you.

Bender dashes out of the booth.

BENDER: I know exactly what to do!

PREACHERBOT: No, my son. There is an extra goto 10 line in all of us. That just means the answer is inside you.

Bender ends up back in the Professor's bedroom with Fry, Leela, and the professor.

BENDER: And then the Preacherbot told me that I had the answer inside of me. Three times! So I looked deep inside of me, and here's what I found.

Bender opens his chest and out pops Tinny Tim.

TINNY TIM: Hello, kind sir.

Bender holds Tinny Tim in one hand and the doomsday device plunger in the other.

BENDER: I took the propulsion system from MY as and put it in HIS. Watch!

Bender pushes the plunger, causing an explosion as Tinny Tim flies off into space.

BENDER: So now I don't have to be a killing machine or a flying machine or a hero machine!

PROFESSOR: Indeed! You're just an INVENTING MACHINE! That I invented!

The professor and Bender stand on the observation deck and watch as Tinny Tim explodes into a firework-like display.

PROFESSOR: Life as good.

The End

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