Comic Transcripts

Comic #50: Your Mother Wears Pilot Boots
Transcribed by Umbreon

Mom is sitting at her desk with her three sons standing around holding a cake.

WALT: Happy birthday, mother!

LARRY: Happy birthday, Mom!

IGNAR: Look mommy! Cake with fire!

MOM: Oh, Walt, Larry, Ignar, you shouldn't have!

LARRY: Now make a wish, and if you blow out the candle, it'll come true!

She triple-slaps them.

MOM: It didn't work, you're all still here!







MOM: So, what else is on the agenda for today?

LARRY: Your annual weeklong, youth-restoring beauty treatment! Not that you NEED it!

MOM: Stick a snot in it! Putting myself in a botox coma once a year is the only thing that's stopping gravity from dragging my body to the center of the Earth! Now, while I'm gone, you three'll be in charge. And if you screw up, I'll make you wish you'd never been born!

She turns and begins to walk away.

MOM: On the bright side, at least we'll have something in common! Ha!

Meanwhile, at the Planet Express building...

Leela, Fry, and Bender are walking down the stairs out of the ship while Hermes stands to meet them.

HERMES: Leela! Your delivery to the PLANET CAMOUFLAGE took two hours longer than scheduled!

LEELA: First of all, it was the same color as space and took FOREVER to find... secondly, I could have cut three hours off my time, if you'd let ME pick the route! I spend every day in space. I know all the shortcuts, black holes, and stargates!

HERMES: I'm sure you do!

LEELA: So I can plan the routes from now on?

HERMES: No, that would be giving you more power. Power corrupts, and we already have ENOUGH corruption in the crew!

A second later, Hermes is in his underware and Bender is stuffing Hermes' clothes into his chest cabinet while holding up a wallet.

BENDER: What? You say someone stole your clothes and wallet? Don't worry, Hermes. I'll help you find them for a reasonable price.

Leela sighs.

Meanwhile, look up, waaaaaay up...

Amy and Kif are wearing space helmets and standing at the end of a long line that leads into a nightclub. The sign over the door reads "Halley's" and the club is built on top of a comit.

KIF: I've heard this nightclub is quite exclusive!

AMY: Halley's is the coolest nightclub ever! It only passes by Earth once every seventy-five years!

KIF: With this line, we'll never get in.

AMY: Don't worry, come with me!

They walk to the front of the line and up to the robot bouncer.

AMY: Hi, I'm a cute girl who wants in!

BOUNCER: Hmmmm... I am programmed to allow line cutting for the cute. Let me scan you.

His eyes quickly scan Amy and Kif's faces.

BOUNCER: You only possess 65% of the necessary adorability to enter!

KIF: (downcast) It's my fault, Amy. You go in without me!

Amy puts her hand on Kif's shoulder.

AMY: Oh, Kif, don't feel bad. Looks aren't important. It's what's INSIDE that counts.

BOUNCER: It's not him. He's quite attractive by inter-dimensional standards. *points at Amy* YOU'RE the one who isn't cute enough.

Amy stares blankly for a few seconds until Kif hugs her shoulder.

KIF: Don't feel bad, Amy. Looks aren't important. It's what's INSIDE...

Amy rounds on him.

AMY: That's just what cute people say to be nice!

Kif cowers. After yelling, Amy runs away crying.

KIF: Amy, come back!

Morbo is now at the head of the line, right in front of the bouncer.

MORBO: Morbo demands an adorability scan!

Back at Momcorp...

Walt, Larry, and Ingar sit behind Mom's huge desk.

LARRY: It feels so weird being behind the desk instead of getting slapped in front of it.

WALT: Yes, but it also feels right. You know, I think everything's going to be just...

A large red and white robot bursts through the wall across from them and all three scream, diving under the desk.

WALT: Who are YOU?

IGNAR: New pants, please!

ROBOT: I'm the union bot, and I demand you stop using all nonunion workers!

WALT: But then we'd have to pay full union wages. The company would lose money! Mother would never agree!

UNION BOT: (begins smashing things) Mom isn't here! Do any of you dare challenge Union-Bot?!!

Union Bot turns and starts to walk out.

WALT: We'll get back to you!

UNION BOT: You have until the end of my coffee break! Which I'm now making five hours long!

INTERCOM: You have to incoming holo-calls!

WALT: I see. Put them on the holo-pods!

Two holograms pop up in the middle of the room. One is a middle-aged man with a mustache and wearing a suit, the other is a smaller alien.

MAN: Hey, pals! It's DAD from DAD'S DANDY DOO-DADS!


WALT: What can we do for you, gentlemen?

DAD: We just wanted to let you know with Mom away, we will be joing forces in a hostile takeover of your company by the end of the day!

LARRY: You can't do that!

UNCLE TOBY: And who was going to have stopped us? YOU?

Uncle Toby's hologram slaps the back of Ignar's head.

IGNAR: Ow! My brain!

WALT: How can you DO that? Your hologram is made of light!

DAD: And you're such sissies, even LIGHT can hurt you!

Uncle Toby's hologram kneels behind Larry and Dad pushes him, kncoking him over Toby's back.

UNCLE TOBY: Heh, heh!

Meanwhile, back at Planet Express...

Amy is sitting in Zoidberg's office while he scans her with a small device.

ZOIDBERG: Hmmmm... I've checked your cuteness levels and they all seem normal! You're the same as you ever were!

AMY: Are you sure?

ZOIDBERG: Of course not, I'm a terrible doctor. But still, your readings seem stable.

KIF: Oh, there you are! I was worried about you!

The device in Zoidberg's claw beeps loudly.

ZOIDBERG: AMAZING! As soon as Kif entered the room, your cute levels went down fifty percent.

AMY: Gah?

KIF: How is this possible?

ZOIDBERG: Kif has an abundance of what we think of as cute. Big head, large eyes, a small nose and a girlish voice.

KIF: (blushes) You're making me blush!

ZOIDBERG: Even the blushing is adorable! Amy, you're cute on your own but when you stand next to Kif... *he makes a disgusted sound*

AMY: Then there's just one thing to do!

KIF: Stop caring about appearances?

AMY: We have to give you a makeover!

Back at Momcorp...

WALT: Let's go over his one more time! If our competition knew we three were in charge, we wouldn't stand a chance, so we need to pretend she's still here.

LARRY: Hello, Mom. Who would you like to crush today?

Ignar is standing before them dressed like Mom, making struggling sounds as he tugs at various parts of the suit.

WALTER: Yes, this is much too disturbing.

Ignar doubles over and begins to gasp and wheeze.


The three are on the sidewalk with the usual hovercars and foot traffic around them.

LARRY: Aw, we'll never find someone to pretend to be Mom! We're DOOMED!

WALT: Nonsense. I'll make you a wager! I say I can turn the next woman we see into our new mother!

Leela rounds the corner and passes right by them.

LEELA: Lousy Hermes! Lousy job!

WALT: Maybe the SECOND woman we see.

One brief explanation later...

Walt, Larry, Ignar, and Leela are standing in Mom's office.

LEELA: You want me to be MOM? And run the company?

WALT: Yes and no. We'd still tell you want to do.

LEELA: But I don't LOOK like Mom.

LARRY: (points out Mom's fatsuit) Just try on one of her outfits!

Soon, they've got Leela disguised with the suit and a wig.

LARRY: And, now we add a pair of sunglasses!

WALT: You've never looked more beautiful!

LARRY: So, will you take the job?

IGNAR: Say "yes!"

LEELA: Be in charge of one of the most powerful companies on Earth? Show a certain burearcrat I can handle some responsibility? Yes! Yes, I will!

Ignar opens a hidden door and heads through it.

LARRY: Wonderful! Then we'll be leaving through this secret back door. I believe there's a robot who wanted a word with you! Don't give him what he wants!

The Union robot smashes a wall on his way into the office.

UNION BOT: Mom? You're HERE?

LEELA: Yes... yes, I am. So back off you... um... puke? Does that sound right?

UNION BOT: Why are you wearing those sunglasses indoors?

LEELA: Um... my eyes are sesitive to ugly!

UNION BOT: FINE! So what about my demands for all union workers at the plant?

LEELA: I'll do you one better. How about a fully unionized plant? Parts and all!

UNION BOT: Agreed!

LEELA: Fine. I notice you've got some nonunion body parts. You'll need to lose those!

UNION BOT: Well, I did do a few upgrades overseas and...

LEELA: All or nothing!


The Union bot is in dozens of pieces on the floor.

UNION BOT: Fine! There! I'm all union parts! Now, as for the rest of my demands...

LEELA: You know, on second thought, I'm just going to roll all this around in my head a while. You have yourself a nice roll, too!

She walks out of the office and kicks the Union bot's head down the stairs.


Meanwhile, Amy stands in the Planet Express lounge next to the window.

AMY: Let's see your new outfit, Kif!

KIF: I just don't feel like myself in a shirt and tie!

AMY: That's the idea. We need to make you less like yourself!

Kif is wearing a bright yellow suit and his head is expanded like he's holding his breath.

KIF: I think the tie is too tight!

Fry walks in, holding a half eaten hot dog.

FRY: Awww! You look like Tweety Bird!

KIF: (trembles) Can't... breathe...

AMY: Is Tweety Bird cute?

FRY: He sure is!

KIF: (wavers) I tawt I taw a white light!

AMY: Tong ku gu bing huo!*

CAPTION BOX: *Translation from Mandarin "Suffering succotash!" -- editor Bill

Back at Momcorp, the holograms of Dad and Uncle Toby stand in the middle of the office.

DAD: Mom? You're back? This is a surprise!

UNCLE TOBY: Well, it was too late! We approached all your stockholders now and are going to have bought them out!

LEELA: I just wanted to take a moment to thank you both.

UNCLE TOBY: You thanked us?

LEELA: For being so open about your plans with me. I don't think people should have secrets, do you?

DAD: No, I guess. No!

LEELA: Secrets like the fact that you're really a MUTANT?

DAD: What? No! That's ridiculous!

LEELA: You're wearing a high neck collar and mullet to cover up something, I'm thinking it's GILLS? And that brand of suit is sold only in the underground mutant city. It's a polyblend of the finest flushed silk!

DAD: How do you know so much about mutants?

LEELA: It's illegal for a mutants to run a business above ground. If, say, immigration found out, you'd lose everything and be sent to prison for life! Am I right? *she turns* And as for YOU, Uncle Toby...

UNCLE TOBY: I was not a mutant!

LEELA: No, but that's some interesting grammar you have there. Mixing past and present tense.

UNCLE TOBY: I didn't know what you were talking about!

LEELA: It's the kind of side effect you see in a... *she points* ... time traveler from the future!

Uncle Toby gasps.

LEELA: You came back to OUR time with information from YOURS and used it to get rich! I used to work with someone who did that, and it's also very, very ILLEGAL!

UNCLE TOBY: I was sorry! Don't ratted me out! The future smells like cabbage!

LEELA: So, here's what we're gonna do! You'll turn your companies over to Momcorp and report to work Monday as JANITORS!

UNCLE TOBY: Sounded good!

DAD: Count me in!

Walt, Larry, and Ignar all walk in.

LARRY: We observed everything from behind the secret safe room window! That was suberb!

INGAR: You're my second favorite mommy!

LEELA: It was great!

WALT: (holds up a clipboard) Now, here's what we want you to do next! It's a long list, so you might want to sit...

Leela manages a kick like Mom's triple slap, going across all three of their faces.

LEELA: Cram a jerk in it, butt face! I'M in charge here!

WALT: She truly does have mother's spirit!

LARRY: (feels his jaw) I think I swallowed my retainer.

IGNAR: Your shoes smell nice!

LEELA: Security squid! Escort them out of the building!

The three brothers are quickly wrapped up in a giant squid's tentacles.

SQUID: Come along quietly, don't make me call security mega-shark!

Later Amy and Kif are out on the street. Kif is wearing a long red robe and a white mask with three holes cut out of it.

KIF: This goalie mask seems a bit much, Amy! And why the robe?

AMY: It covers up your adorable hourglass figure.

A yellow fembot and a girl with pink hair and glasses stop them.

FEMBOT: (points at Kif) Look, look! It's a BASHFUL BOY!

GIRL: He's so cute!

FEMBOT: I love your game!

She points at a poster in a window. It shows a man in black overalls and cap with a red shirt and two smaller men dressed in red robes with masks. The edges read 'Coming soon: Super Jumpio Bros. 7'

AMY: That's it! We're through! *she stomps off*

KIF: Amy, NO!

At Planet Express, Fry and Bender are in the lounge. Fry is sitting on the couch and Bender is lying back with his feet over Fry's lap.

BENDER: What's wrong, meat bag?

FRY: It's weird. It feels like every couple of months something exciting and dangerous happens to you and me, and so far this month... NOTHING!

Bender sits up and pulls out a crossbow, aiming it at Fry's head.

BENDER: I could hunt you for sport!

FRY: (waves his hand) No, that's trying too hard.

There's a knocking and Bender gets up to answer the door.

BENDER: Well, maybe this'll be something that'll put your life in danger.

FRY: I hope so.

Bender finds Ignar on the doorstep.

BENDER: Yeah? What?

IGNAR: I'm here to ask my daddy for help stopping my mommy.

Bender walks back into the lounge with Ignar behind him.

FRY: Was it for me?


FRY: Nuts!

Walt and Larry stand just outside the door on the sidewalk.

LARRY: Do you think it was a good idea sending Ignar in alone?

WALT: THE PROFESSOR is the only one who's been able to stop the real Mom in the past, so he should be able to halt the fake Mom's rampage. Also, he'll never refuse a request from his son!

Ignar ends up in the lab, where the Professor doesn't notice there's a small slug-like creature escaping from a petri dish.

PROFESSOR: Yes? Do I know you?

IGNAR: It's me... IGNAR! You and mommy made me when you hugged and kissed!

PROFESSOR: Of course! Of course! Is this about all those birthdays I missed? Just take my bank card and give yourself five dollars for each!

IGNAR: (holds up his hand) NO!

PROFESSOR: Oh, then what do you want?

IGNAR: What do I want? Oh... um... I want... I want...

He suddenly smiles and throws his hands up.

IGNAR: ... I want to go to the amusement park!

PROFESSOR: Very well!

Shortly, they are in an amusement park on a roller coaster. Ignar has his hands thrown up in the air.


The professor snores.

Hours later...

Fry and Bender are still in the lounge. When there's another knocking sound, Fry stands.

FRY: Maybe this is for us!

BENDER: It better be. There's only six pages left!

FRY: What?

BENDER: (holds up a book) I have six pages in this Calculon coloring book left, then I've got nothing else to do!

When Fry gets to the entrance of the building, Walt and Larry are already walking in.

WALT: Hello, you haven't seen our simpleton brother, have you?

FRY: He's with the Professor at the amusement park!

LARRY: Aw! I wanted to go to the amusement park, too!

WALT: Curses! Without his help, Leela may destroy us all!


Back at Momcorp, in the conference room...

LEELA: So, you see, corrupt CEOs of Earth, with just a small bit of research I've discovered secrets about ALL of you. Secrets I'll make PUBLIC unless...

She scans the room. It's a tall, wide hall with different CEOs sitting on platforms.

LEELA: ... You turn over every company on Earth to ME!


PURPLE ALIEN: Outrageous!

ORANGE ALIEN: Meesa no like this!

LEELA: I've emailed all of you blackmail notices! I sent them both as an attachment and in the body of the letter.

FROG-LIKE ALIEN: But we ALL had an agreement to let each other get away with EVERYTHING! That's capitalism!

LEELA: I was a different person then! I'll be expecting your replies in five minutes!

Suddenly, Fry and Bender break down the door to the hall.


LEELA: You two? How did you get in the building? Our security is state of the art!

Fry narrates over a memory.

FRY: I devised an elaborate break-in using Walt, Bender, Scruffy, Harold Zoid, Hattie, Sal, the Space Pope, the Robot Devil, Cubert, Nibbler and Zapp Brannigan. Each member of "Fry's Eleven" would use his or her unique skills to bypass the different levels of security...

The group in the flashback is gathered around a pool table, a map laid out before them. The Space Pope, Nibbler, and Harold Zoid look the same as they always do, but everyone else is dressed differently. Sal is wearing a red plaid suit with a derby hat, Scruffy has a white suit on, Walt's suit is brown, Fry's is yellow, Bender has on a white hat with a large orange feather in it, Hattie is wearing a pink dress, Cubert has a striped shirt and grey blazer, and Zapp is wearing a red velour jacket.

Back in the here and now, Bender glances at the floor.

BENDER: Then Walt told him he still had a key to the back door!

FRY: Which would have been nice to know before I bought everyone brunch! Zapp Brannigan can really put away the piggies in a blanket! *he gets closer to Leela and whispers* Come back to Planet Express. This just isn't you!

LEELA: (whispers back) You're right, it's not the old me! Now I have power, respect, and if I'm not wrong, I'm about to rule the world!

FRY: You already rule MY world.

LEELA: That's sweet. The old me would have probably fallen for that. But I'm not going anywhere. Call me if you ever need a job. I'll be president of every company.

Back at Planet Express...

Zoidberg and Amy are in the lounge and Amy is on the couch crying.

ZOIDBERG: What is it, Amy? You look so sad and cute! Where's Kif?

AMY: (sniffs) I broke up with him, but I miss him so much!

ZOIDBERG: (holds up a chart) I got the rest of your test results back. Your cuteness was down but when you were with Kif Kroker, your happiness reading was off the charts.

AMY: So, what happens now? I have to choose between being cute and being happy?

ZOIDBERG: Yes, yes! What terrible problems you have.

Meanwhile, back at Momcorp...

Leela is in Mom's office with holograms of all the other CEOs. Fry and Bender are being hauled away by the security squid and shark.

FRY: Please! Don't do this!

LEELA: Take them away!

She turns to the group of holograms.

LEELA: So, have you all made your choice?

PURPLE ALIEN: We have! We can't let out secrets be revealed!

FRY: Bender, did you notice Leela's glasses? The lenses are solid immakingthisupium! Worth a fortune.

BENDER: Really?

LEELA: Very well, then as of right now, all of Earth's companies belong to...

Bender's hand extends and snatches the glasses off Leela's face.


BLUE ALIEN: She's not Mom at all!

ORANGE ALIEN: Yousa a faker! Dealsa off!

And so...

Leela is back in her normal clothes and she and Fry are walking back to Planet Express.

FRY: Sorry about you losing your job, Leela.

LEELA: It's okay, Hermes was right. Power really is corrupting.

They walk in and find Amy standing just inside the front door.

LEELA: Oh hi, Amy. Who's the new guy?

AMY: It's KIF! I bought him some flowers to apologize for breaking up with him. Turns out he's allergic to them.

Kif is holding a bouquet of flowers, is covered in welts, and gasping.

AMY: Now he looks awful, so it's win-win!

KIF: (weakly) Help me.

FRY: Good for you!

Back at Momcorp...

Mom walks into her office, startling her sons.

MOM: What did you monkey flingings do to my company while I was gone?

WALT: Well... er... you see...

MOM: Because it's fantastic! My union problems are gone and two of my main competitors are scrubbing the executive bathroom! I've never been so proud of you all before. In fact, I can't remember EVER being proud of you before! So listen up! One time, one time only, I'll get you anything you want!

WALT: Oh my! Well, I...

LARRY: But... I don't know I...

IGNAR: Amusment park!

Later, the four of them are at the amusement park on the anti-gravity bumper cars along with the Professor, Kif, Amy, and Fry. Everyone zooms around while the professor snores loudly.




MOM: Ha! You were right, boys! This IS fun!

CAPTION BOX: Until next time, mom's the word!