Scene: Outer space. Bender is wearing a tiara and a tutu, and riding on Fry's back (in a space suit) like water skis. He is being towed by the Planet Express ship.
BENDER: (singing) Vacation! All I ever wanted! Vacation! Had to get away!...
LEELA: Bender, stop Milky Way boarding and get inside the ship. We've got a stop ahead!
A MOMENT LATER...
On the ship's bridge...
LEELA: Guys, to get through this weigh station, the ship needs to be 50 tons or less. (points to a gauge) The gauge says we're way over 'Jabba', which means we're CRITICALLY OBESE with cargo! We need to dump anything we can to make the weight!
FRY: That sounds like work. Can't we just give the ship a LAXATIVE and let SPACE NATURE take it's course?
LEELA: There's no time for idiotic retorts! Fry, to the cargo bay! Bender, hit the mess hall! Anything not bolted down or essential for ship operation, make it go bye-bye!
A FEW MINUTES LATER...
FRY: Hey, Leela, I'm back.
LEELA: Fry, we're just a few pounds short of making the weight! What did you get rid of?
FRY: I launched Bender's gold-plated coffin and pirate ship anchor collection out into space.
LEELA: Excellent. We'll get Bender to drop a few more pounds, and we're all set!
BENDER: (struggling with a large box) -Engh!- -Engh!-
LEELA: (over the intercom) Bender, we're almost there! Dump whatever you've got in your hands and we're good to go!
BENDER: Just lemme... move this box... then I can...
LEELA: Bender, there's no time to argue! Get rid of what ever's in your hands... NOW!
BENDER: (looks at the box he's holding with a worried expression) Okey-dokey. (Bender hits the airlock button, and the large box, labeled HUMAN FOOD is sent out into space) DOWN THE HATCH!
A FEW MINUTES LATER...
At the space Weigh Station...
STATION ATTENDANT: Okay, Captain, your ship is under the legal weight. You may continue your journey.
LEELA: Thank you.
LEELA: Great work guys, we're good to go!
FRY: (rubbing his belly) You know, all this stress about how fat the ship is makes me want to pad my own space tire.
LEELA: I hear that! Bender, make us something to eat!
BENDER: Heh-heh... huh... Why don't you just wait a little bit, Fry?... Maybe we can stop at a Fishy Joe's instead of eating crappy ship food... doesn't that sound good?
FRY: Nah, I'd rather have your famous Löbrau battered anchovies-and-chips, buddy!
LEELA: Uh-oh, we're entering into a field of unidentifiable debris! (food starts hitting the ship)
FRY: Hey, that looks like the food we brought along for the mission...
LEELA: That IS the food we brought for the mission! (turns to Bender) You THREW OUT all of our FOOD!?
BENDER: I didn't wanna, but you told be to!
LEELA: Great! Now what are we supposed to do... STARVE TO DEATH!?
BENDER: There's always CANABALISM.
LEELA: Fry, get Bender out of my sight before I put him out with the food!
BENDER: Seriously, let me know which appendage of hers you'd feel least guilty eating, and I'll take care of the rest...
FRY: Bender, MOVE!
SEVERAL HOURS LATER...
BENDER: (comes in holding a small box) Fry, what are you doing?
FRY: (licking a table) Licking my dinner. Tell me you found something else for us to eat!
BENDER: (sets the box down) Depends on how you feel about spare engine parts.
FRY: Maybe if I just douse them with enough ketchup and mustard, I won't be able to tell the difference...
BENDER: That'd be a great idea... if I hadn't already used the ketchup and mustard to finger-paint our adventures together! (points to crudely drawn, exaggerated pictures)
FRY: (starts looking through the box) There's gotta be something in here I can eat!
BENDER: Fry, are you sure you don't wanna go all Donner Party on yourself? I can help with the cutting... (holds up a saw)
FRY: Leave me alone before I start figuring what parts of YOU are edible!
BENDER: (backs off) Eep!
A LITTLE WHILE LATER...
LEELA: We're finally here... the Kingdom of Omicron Persei 8! You better hope they have something to eat down there, Bender, or the delivery isn't the only thing we're leaving behind! Fry, buckle up, we're making our final decent!
A FEW MINUTES LATER...
LRRR: Aw, NDND, How long do I have to stay on this STUPID DIET?
NDND: You heard what the doctor said... you have clogged arteries in TWO of your FOUR HEARTS! The EXERCISE EQUIPMENT we ordered from Earth will help.
LRRR: And the hints just keep on comin'.
LEELA: (pushing the hover dolly) Fry, get over here and do your job!
FRY: (holding ship parts) Guys, I think I solved our starvation problem!
LEELA: That thing is supposed to be edible!?
FRY: I dunno, but it sure looks the part!
BENDER: What the hell's it made out of?
FRY: Spark plugs, pistons, and oil rags, nestled between two brake pads and smothered with a layer of carburetor fluid- the mechanic's ketchup!
BENDER: Uh, the first bite's all YOURS!
LEELA: (knocks the parts out of his hand, and they go flying) Fry, you can't eat that. Now stop fooling around!
NDND: Earth delivery beings! Welcome back to Omicron Persei 8! This is our package?
LEELA: Delivered safe, sound, and ahead of schedule! And because you're such loyal customers, we'd like to offer you a 10% discount... in exchange for a little human food?
NDND: LRRR, What do you think? LRRR? Where are you!? (sees Lrrr eating the parts) LRRR! What about your diet!?
LRRR: Diet shmiet... this is the most glorious food I've ever tasted! I DEMAND to know which one of you created that AMAZING SANDWICH!
LEELA: Uhh... It was our delivery boy, Fry!
LRRR: 'Fry', is it? Well, Fry... Congratulations, you are the NEW ROYAL CHEF! You will live here for the remainder of your days in OUR SERVITUDE!
FRY: Cool... does the job come with food?
LRRR: Guards, seize the human and let us proceed to the castle for a ROYAL FEAST!
LEELA: Wait, you just can't take our friend!
LRRR: We can do whatever we want. I will send someone back with human food for your trip home.
LEELA: Don't worry, Fry! We'll get you out of this. I promise!
FRY: (being carried off by a guard) So... hungry...
LEELA: Bender, we can't let this happen!
BENDER: Don't I know it! Now why don't you go devise a plan for us to save our pal? I'll just wait here for the food.
LEELA: (gets back on the ship) Good thinking, Bender.
BENDER: (runs off) Sorry, Fry... but I'M the one they should be making the Royal chef!
A LITTLE WHILE LATER...
Inside the castle's kitchen...
FRY: (eating from numerous Fishy Joe's bags) If you O.P.'s don't eat human food, where'd all this stuff come from?
NDND: We bought a Fishy Joe's franchise for Earth tourists passing through on their vacations.
LRRR: Yes, your love of blowfish burritos and starfish sticks is revolting, but highly profitable. Anyhoo... (points to a box marked 'Obliterated Enemy ship parts') Once you finish consuming, you will find everything you need to prepare our feast inside this box.
NDND: (hands Fry an apron and chef's hat) Here is your uniform.
LRRR: We are entertaining esteems guests from Molluscania, so DO NOT FAIL in VIOLENTLY ASSAULTING their taste buds! Or, you know, we'll VAPORIZE you.
NDND: If this one doesn't work out, I hope he won't stink up the joint like the last chef we had to terminate.
FRY: (looks at the uniform) Aw, man. I knew I should've made something to eat out of Nibbler's dark matter instead of engine parts! (Starts to dig through the box) Well, gotta bust a move. I just wish Bender was here to help me figure out what aliens eat!
A knock is heard on the bridge door...
OMICROMIAN GUARD: Hello? Anyone in there?
LEELA: (chewing on her own hand) Hmmpfff!? (opens the door)
OMICROMIAN GUARD: (holds out a huge Fishy Joe's bag) Here's your food, Ma'am.
LEELA: Wait, where did Bender go!?
OMICROMIAN GUARD: If someone from your party is found trespassing on Royal property, the penalty is immediate death!
LEELA: (shoveling food into her mouth) -smack! Schmok!- Heh, heh, dumb ol' me! Uhh... err... I forgot. He got back on the ship before you got here! No need for killing anyone as we'll just be on our way now. Thanks for the food! (shoves more food in her mouth) -GLHMMP!- I better go find Bender before he gets himself shot!
20 MINUTES LATER...
LEELA: (STILL shoving food in her mouth) Yep... just need to finish eating, then off to find Bender. Can't save the day on an empty stomach, right?
MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE CASTLE...
OMICROMIAN GUARD 1: -ENNH!- This crate weighs TWICE AS MUCH as it did when we first picked it up!
OMICROMIAN GURAD 2: No kidding! And you know the King will probably use it once, then sell it in next year's ROYAL GARAGE SALE! (the guards leave the package, and it is revealed Bender had clung to one side of it, unseen)
BENDER: Heh heh... I'm in! Now I just need to find Fry and screw up whatever he's got cooking... literally!
IN THE ROYAL KITCHEN...
FRY: (leaning over a hot stove, looking in a book entitled 'Classic 30 minute Alien meals' by Rachael Ray's head) 'stir in Martian-grown, moon dried tomatoes, and simmer for two hours...' Two hours!? Cappucino, I don't have that much time! (rummages through the box) There's nothing in here that even looks like a tomato! (opens a door labeled 'Human slave food') Well, this closet is labeled 'food'... and tomato's a food... right!? (walks in, only to have the door slam shut on him, trapping him inside) What the- !?
BENDER: Take that, glory thief!
FRY: Bender? What are you doing!?
BENDER: Making sure you don't do something stupid, like actually make a meal these tyrannical crap bags will enjoy! All righty, let's see what I've got in my cabinet of tricks... (reaches inside himself)
A MOMENT LATER...
BENDER: (singing and stirring a bluish substance into the pot) Bender it great, Bender is swell, that glory hog Fry can go straight to...
A FEW MINUTES AFTER THAT...
BENDER: (opens the door and lets Fry out) Kitchen's all yours again, 'chef'.
FRY: What's wrong with you, Bender!? Why would you go and ruin all the food?
BENDER: Because the last time I checked, MY title was 'ship cook'! I should be cooking for royalty, not YOU!
FRY: But you HATE cooking!
BENDER: Only for unrefined losers like you and Leela!
FRY: Well, if you hadn't locked me up, I would've let you make the meal and take all the credit!
BENDER: You would've? Why?
FRY: Because I don't know what the heck I'm DOING!
OMICROMIAN GUARD: FREEZE, TRESPASSER! Chef Fry, who is this robot?
FRY: Him!? Oh... umm... yeah, he's my... uhhh... assistant!
OMICROMIAN GUARD: Well start plating. The King's guests have arrived!
BENDER: (looks at Fry) Boned to Infinity?
FRY: And beyond.
LATER, IN THE ROYAL DINING HALL...
LRRR: So, Daryl, how are the ova?
DARYL: (Daryl and his wife Faye are large snails) Oh, you know kids... if they didn't leave a trail of mucus, I'd never be able to keep up with them!
NDND: Must be NICE having little ones around.
LRRR: NDND, I don't think Daryl and Faye are interested in our reproductive issues...
NDND: If by 'our' you mean 'YOURS'!
DARYL: So... when do we eat?
LRRR: I specifically told the chef to have appetizers ready TEN MINUTES AGO!
OMICROMIAN GUARD: I'll get to the bottom of the delay, your Destructiveness!
FRY: … but don't you think it would've been a BETTER IDEA to tell us you had a jar of Vegemite in your chest THE ENTIRE TIME?
BENDER: Fry, I'd rather see you and Leela starve than eat this crud.
OMICROMIAN GUARD: His Majesty demands the first course to be served now!
FRY: (carrying a large plate of sandwiches) Keep making sandwiches. I'll stall them as long as I can.
BENDER: Neat. And Fry?... I'm sorry I got you into this mess.
FRY: It's okay. Remember, it ain't over 'til the one-eyed lady STINGS! (walks out to the dining hall with the tray of sandwiches) What's up, royal party peeps? Who's ready to throw down the best darn sandwiches this side of QUIZNOSIA?
LRRR: They better be worth the WAIT!
FRY: Throws the sandwiches on the plates) One taste of my special Omicron Per-sandwich, and your mouth will be ground zero of a TASTE EXPLIOSION!
DARYL: (guns comes out of the top of his and Faye's shells) Sorry, old friend, but I'm afraid we didn't come to catch up over dinner.
FAYE: We are taking over as the NEW RULERS of Omicron Persei 8, and no one can STOP us! (to the guards) Drop your weapons, or your King and Queen get new BLOWHOLES!
FRY: Umm... So I'll just take off and let you all work this out...
DARYL: You're not going anywhere. If you can cook half as good as LRRR claims, you will continue your service as our chef.
LRRR: Daryl, why are you doing this? You have your OWN planet to rule!
DARYL: Not anymore. It turns out establishing our kingdom on a planet composed of shifting tectonic plates made from puff pastry wasn't our finest hour.
LRRR: So... what now?
DARYL: We enjoy our first meal as the rulers of your land... while you consume your LAST!
BENDER: (peeking out of the kitchen door) Ohh, death before dessert... this is my kind of dinner party!
OMICROMIAN GUARD: Robot, what are you doing?
BENDER: You better get out there and...
OMICROMIAN GUARD: Silence! Get back to work! (a knocking is heard at the kitchen's back door and he opens it)
LEELA: (in a disguise as a Fishy Joe's worker) Here's your Fishy Joe's order, sir.
OMICROMIAN GUARD: But we received our order from you hours ago!
LEELA: Oh yeah?... (swings a huge bag at the guard knocking him and one of his teeth out.) then this one's on the house!
BENDER: LEELA!? Where's you get the Fishy Joe's get-up?
LEELA: I placed an order for Lrrr and Ndnd, then jumped the teenager delivering it to the castle.
BENDER: (looks in the Fishy Joe's bag) Rocks!? I was wondering how you were able to take that guard out.
LEELA: C'mon, let's get Fry out of there!
BENDER: Wait! The O.P's have been taken hostage, and Fry's caught in the middle. One false move, and they'll filet his mignon!
LEELA: Well, we have to do something!
BENDER: Unlike most of these situations, I have a plan. Just be a little flexible with the details, and hear me out...
DARYL: everyone, please dig in. No one likes a HOSTILE TAKEOVER on an empty stomach.
BENDER: (comes out with a huge covered platter) Okay, your majesties, who's ready for the second course?
DARYL: (eating a sandwich) Who are you?
BENDER: I'm the chef's assistant, and your main entree is served! I hope you don't mind a little KICK in your food... (lifts the cover) Taa-daa!
LRRR: But there's nothing there!
BENDER: (opens his chest to reveal Leela crammed inside) Okay, Leela, give 'em hell!
LEELA: (trying to get out) -ENNH!- Bender, I can't get out! I told you this was a STUPID IDEA!
BENDER: Well, if someone would do a little cardio every now and then...
DARYL: Robot... you will be executed first under our new monarchy!
FAYE: Daryl? Something's wrong! (starts to shrivel up) -GAAK!- Can't breathe!
DARYL: (also shriveling) Wh-what were those sandwiches made from?
FRY: It was VEGEMITE!
DARYL: NO! N-not that! It's salt saturated composition dehydrates our bodies... from the INSIDE OUT!
LRRR: Your food... IT SAVED OUR LIVES!
LEELA: (being yanked out of Bender by her ponytail) AAH! Bender, you're hurting me!
BENDER: I think your boot buckle is caught on my crankshaft!
FRY: No, Mr. Lrrr, all the credit goes to my good friend, Bender. He's the one who provided the jar of Vegemite!
BENDER: That's right! I'm the greatest! Me... BENDER!
NDND: But we hate Vegemite too. Isn't that why we vaporized our last chef?
LRRR: Oh right...
BENDER: It's FRY'S FAULT! He TOLD me to do it!
NDND: well, all of this drama has made me RAVENOUS...
LRRR: I propose we force the chef and robot to make a STEW out of both our dead enemies AND the one-eyed woman.
BENDER: Cheese it! (everyone runs away and runs into a half naked teen omicromian)
NDND: -Gasp!- Lrrr, they're GETTING AWAY!
LRRR: Guards, AFTER THEM!
TEEN OMICROMIAN: Hey! You're the lady that mugged me and took my Fishy Joe's delivery!
LEELA: Uhh... sorry! (points at everyone chasing them) Those guards will be happy to pay you!
A MOMENT LATER...
On board the ship...
FRY: Uh-oh, they're almost here!
LEELA: I see them, but we can't go just yet... I left the hover-dolly behind! (takes off) just kidding! Well, I guess we should be thankful we escaped another near-death delivery debacle.
FRY: That'd be a little easier to do if we weren't faced with starvation again.
BENDER: Well, I still have this jar of Vegemite. That'll tide you over, right?
LEELA: (looks at Fry- Fry looks at Leela) Starvation it is. We can go a few days without sustenance, right?
FRY: Works for Zoidberg.
Captain Zapp Brannigan in
THE SEVEN DAY ITCH
SCRIPT: ERIC ROGERS PENCILS: MIKE KAZALEH INKS: MIKE ROTE
COLORS:NATHIN HAMMILL LETTERS: KAREN BATES EDITOR: BILL MORRISON
ZAPP: walks into Elzar's with Kif) Thanks for coming along on this BLIND DATE, Kif. You're a true friend.
KIF: You threatened to make me work in the NUDE the rest of the week if I DIDN'T.
NEPTUNIAN GREETER: Welcome to Elzar's, gentlemen. Do you have a reservation?
ZAPP: Affirmative. Under the name Zapp Brannigan at SEX-FLIRTY
NEPTUNIAN GREETER: (looks at the reservations) Do you mean 'six-thirty'?
ZAPP: Close enough, gar-son.
KIF: So who are we looking for, sir?
ZAPP: Only the FINEST FEMALE SPECIMEN in this gin joint, Kif... (points to a rather large, four breasted, blue haired woman with antennae) there she is! What a KNOCK OUT!
NEPTUNIAN GREETER: Captain Brannigan, I have a table for TWO waiting.
KIF: 'TWO'? I thought this was DOUBLE blind date!
ZAPP: I said that to trick you into coming just in case she was a MUTT. See you tomorrow, old friend!
ZAPP: (walking onto the bridge of the Nimbus) Kif, there you are! Deandra and I had the most magical night together, and we're GETTING MARRIED! And YOU'LL do the ceremony! I registered you for a one day orientation to be our MINISTER! Now gather the troops and order a cake! It's NUPTIAL-SWAPPING TIME!
ZAPP: Here we are, 'The Bridal Suite.' Kif, carry my bride across the threshold...
KIF: (struggling to carry Deandra) -ERRGH- My SPINE... SNAPPING...
A MOMENT LATER...
ZAPP: (closing the door) Now that we're alone, let's see you put some MOTION into this HOVER-OCEAN, MISSUS Brannigan!
DEANDRA: (laying on the bed) Take me, Zapp!
KIF: (crushed under Deandra) -Nggh- Wait! -GASP- Still HERE! -Mmmrf!- Can't... BREATHE!
A baby shower with Amy, Leela, Glab and Mrs. Wong is held for Deandra...
DEANDRA: A hover stroller!? Mrs. Wong, you SHOULDN'T HAVE!
MRS. WONG: It's my pleasure! And we all know I won't be buying one for Amy as long as she's dating that GREEN BEAN WITH LEGS in the next room!
IN THE NEXT ROOM...
ZAPP: (peeking in) Kif, thanks for organizing this baby shower on such short notice. Can you believe Deandra's carrying my spawn under all that GLORIOUS BOOBAGE?
KIF: About that, sir... isn't it ODD that she's already pregnant with SEPTUPLETS after knowing you for only THREE DAYS?
ZAPP: Silly man, Deandra told me that's how it works with her species, and like all women who allow me to see them naked, I trust her COMPLETELY. Now I need to know that YOU'RE ready for my babies, Kif, as you will have a VERY IMPORTANT ROLE in their lives.
KIF: Sir, are you asking me to be their GODFATHER!?
ZAPP: (holds up a 'nursing girdle' with seven teats) Even better... their NANNY! Now try on this NURSING GIRDLE we had specially made for you to feed all the babies at once.
ZAPP: (comes running out of the maternity room to Kif) It's a BOY... times SEVEN! (shoves seven cigars in Kif's mouth) C'mon, I'll take you to the nursery so you can see my CHIPS off the old block!
A MOMENT LATER...
Zapp and Kif look through a window at the babies with a Porcupine alien...
ZAPP: Aren't they beautiful?
PORCUPINE ALIEN: They SURE ARE.
KIF: Sir, they don't look ANYTHING like you! Are you sure they're YOURS?
ZAPP: Kif, we ALL look like porcupines when we're FRESH OUT OF THE OVEN.
KIF: (looks at the Porcupine alien) Sir, I think I have a BETTER THEORY...
HYPERCHICKEN: -BUH-KAAAAW!- Captrain Zapp Brannigan?
ZAPP: He is I.
HYPERCHICKEN: Sir, I do declare that these documents are for you... (hands him a stack of papers)
ZAPP: What are they?
HYPERCHICKEN: DIVORCE PAPERS. Deandra wants half of your wages and full custody of the young'uns.
ZAPP: (throws the papers up in a rage) This CAN'T BE! We've been through so much together! We have to stay together for the CHILDREN! MY children! I'll never stop loving that woman... EVER!!!
KIF: (comes running into Zapp's quarters)Sir, I have EXCELLENT NEWS! It takes Deandra's species SIXTEEN MONTHS to gestate... which means the septuplets can't possibly be YOURS!
ZAPP: (combing his hair and toupee) Well, duh.
KIF: But I thought... you were so sure that the children were...
ZAPP: MINE? There was a time I believed that... until Deandra revealed the only reason she married me was for my MONEY. Turns out she was knocked up by a penniless looser on her home planet who bailed as soon as he heard the news. She needed to provide for the wee ones, so she came here and DOOP'D US BUT GOOD.
KIF: (covers his eyes as Zapp removes his robe and gets dressed) Oh. Well, Sir, I'm sorry she wasn't the TRUE LOVE you thought she was.
ZAPP: And you SHOULD be, Lieutenant. But luckily I won't be paying for YOUR inability to prevent me from making a RASH DECISION. YOU will.
KIF: I don't understand...
ZAPP: I gave the divorce court YOUR bank information, so they can deduct child support and alimony from YOUR paychecks. It seemed the only REASONABLE way for you to make it up to me.
KIF: But... but...
ZAPP: Well, I'm off for another HOT DATE. SEVERAL actually. I'm interviewing POTENTIAL NANNIES for Deandra's brats until the divorce is finalized! Better work a DOUBLE-SHIFT today, Kif... and for the next EIGHTEEN YEARS.