Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #52: RO-BOTOX!
Transcribed by dinkdrinker

SCRIPT: ERIC ROGERS

PENCILS: MIKE KAZALEH

INKS: ANDREW PEPOY

COLORS: ALLAN HELLARD

LETTERS: KAREN BATES

EDITOR: BILL MORRISON


Bender is seen in the Planet Express hangar, and is being video taped. He taps on the camera's lens... what the camera seems isn't very flattering- he has small spots and specks, and dents and wrinkles all over his face.

BENDER: Hello, world... it's me, BENDER! And I'd like to take you on a little hyper-drive down memory lane. I call it... (the scene cuts to the Planet Express employees sitting around a laptop playing Bender's video) a millennium of dance! Fry, you're too tight on my face! Wide out! WIDE LIKE THE WIND!

SCRUFFY: What's this FOOLISHNESS?

BENDER: It's my debut video on BOTBOX.COM, the video website dedicated to finding unknown robot talent! I'm doing all of the most famous dances over the last 1,000 years to show how dance has EVOLVED! (On the video-) … c'mon, baby! Let's do the twist!...

AMY: (pointing at the video) All we can see is your face, Bender... speaking of which, what's with all those CREASES?

LEELA: And is that ROBO-ACNE on your cheek?

BENDER: What? NO!! It's DUST on the camera lens or something!! Fry, I told you you were TOO CLOSE! No one can see my SWEET MOVES, and now you've ruined my one chance at STARDOM!

FRY: But you SAID no one would want to see anything but your FACE or BUTT, so that's what I shot!

ZOIDBERG: Speaking of the ro-but's hind-quarters... BEHOLD!

AMY: (covers her face and cringes)

LEELA: SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS, Bender, what HAPPENED back there?

FRY: Are you sure that isn't Bender's FACE!?

BEBDER: You can all bite my... (sees his ass on the video) SAGGY CORRODING ASS!? (collapses in a chair) I can't believe I posted a video exposing all of my PHYSICAL FLAWS for the whole world to see.

AMY: It's Okay, Bender. The whole world isn't watching it...

BENDER: Really?

AMY: It's actually more like the whole UNIVERSE! There have already been over 4 GORBLILLION VIEWS of your video. It's the MOST WATCHED VIDEO in the history of Botbox!

ZOIDBERG: I especially enjoy the IRONY of watching a dance video where I can't see ANY DANCING!

FRY: (tries to give Bender a high five) UP HIGH, buddy! We DID IT!

PROFESSOR: (comes into the lounge) There you slackerdoodles are! Why are all of you crowded around MY laptop computer? (looks at the screen, then covers his eyes) OH MY, NO! What sort of ROBO-SNUFF FILM are you watching?

BENDER: (dejected) It's just a video of me and my DECAYING SHELL.

PROFESSOR: Well, Planet Express isn't big enough for TWO decaying shells, and I've got DIBS! Now get back to work!

BENDER: This is the WORST DAY of my life. I can't go on living if I look like a tin can version of ZOIDBERG.

AMY: That's a fate none of us would wish on our WORST ENEMY.

ZOIDBERG: AWWW...

AMY: (hands Bender a business card) Look Bender, all you need is a little NIP-TUCK, and you'll look good as new! This card is from my COSMETIC SURGEON my mom and I use. You should SEE her!

BENDER: (looks at the card) 'Cosmetic Surgeon'? I don't know... doing something for VAIN REASONS isn't like me AT ALL.

HERMES: (comes running in) Bender, I just got a HILARIOUS E-MAIL with a video showing your rust infested booty convulsing like a TASERED JERK CHICKEN!

BENDER: Make the FREAKIN' APPOINTMENT.

THAT AFTERNOON...

At the New New York Institute of Synthetic De-Uglification (which is now accepting first-borns for payment)

MORBO: (on the TV) …the rise of paparazzi sleaze is at an all-time high, with seemingly EVERYONE WITH A CAMERA getting in on the act...

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: Bender B. Rodriguez?... Oh, Amy, hello darling! I see you've brought me ANOTHER patient. One more referral and and you get that free LASER NOSE HAIR REMOVAL session!

AMY: YES!

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: (turns back to Bender and she shakes his hand) I'm DR. K' RITTAKHUL, and you must be Bender. But honestly I don't know why you're here. You don't need MY help.

BENDER: REALLY!?

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: Nah, I'm just busting your BALL BEARINGS! Come on inside and let's get started.

AMOMENT LATER...

In Dr. K'rittakhul's office...

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: So Bender, tell ME what I DON'T LIKE about YOU.

BENDER: Errr... ummm, well...

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: (takes out a laser marker) You want ME to start? Great. I'll just highlight a FEW of your problem areas... and THERE! All done! (she has marked Bender head to toe with a bunch or red circles) Nothing a FEW DOZEN operations can't fix.

BENDER: (looks himself over) Do I really need THAT much work done, Doc?

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: Well,that depends... do you WANT to spend the rest of your life SCARING small children and the elderly? Now there's no time to start like the present! How about a quick ASS SHINE?

BENDER: oh yeah, let's get it buffed AND booty-ful!

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: Excellent. That will be $10,000.

BENDER: TEN GRAND!? Where am I supposed to get THAT kind of money?

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: There's always your life savings. But if you can't afford the surgery, I wish you all the best with the remainder of your HORRIFIC, SCREAM-INDUCING existence.

BENDER: I didn't think I'd be spending Cubert's COLLEGE FUND this quickly, BUT... (reaches inside himself and pulls out a large wad of cash)

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: OUTSTANDING! To the O.R.!!!

A LITTLE LATER...

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: (goes out to the waiting room) Okay, Amy, Bender's ready to go home...

BENDER: (comes out with a new ass- it looks like a human's in skin tight short shorts, and is polished to a shine) Bite THIS shiny, metal ass!

AMY: (staring at Bender's ass) SPLAWSOME, Bender!

BENDER: (shakes the Doctor's hand) Thanks Doc! I'll be back in a few days for the NEXT procedure!

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: My laser scalpel will be WAITING!

BENDER: C'mon, Amy! Let's go show MY MINTY-NEW BACKSIDE to the WORLD!

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: (sees Dr. Wernstrom with a brain slug sitting in a chair in the waiting room) Ah, Dr. Wernstrom... got a little GROWTH you need removed?

WERNSTROM: (under control of the brain slug) Actually, I was hoping you could attach a FEW MORE...

Amy and Bender walk back to Planet Express, where people on the sidewalk compliment Bender's new ass...

HATTIE: Hey, that's a really nice WHACHACALLIT... ASS!

MOM: Oh my, that IS a very appealing DERRIERE. Would you mind if I took a PHOTO?

PREACHERBOT: I say 'AMEN' to such a heavenly posterior!

'FEMBOT': I gotta get me some of THAT!

VYOLET: (looking out from a man hole) If only In were a ROBOT... and not HORRIBLY MUTATED.

HERMES: (sees Amy and Bender walking into Planet Express) Bender, where have you been? There's heaps of work piling up around here for you to MANIPULATE FRY into doing!

BENDER: Sorry, Hermes, but today's the FIRST day of the REST of my life. (turns around and points, showing off his new ass) BLAM! THAT just happened!

PROFESSOR: Bender got BACK!

HERMES: SWEET IMPALA OF WALLA WALLA! I don't want to look, but I can't take my eyes away from that SWEET METALIC BOOTY!

HEDONISMBOT: (walks in) Excuse me, but I was hoping to speak to someone about delivering a package...

HERMES: Of course. What would like to have delivered, and where to?

HEDONISMBOT: (stares at Bender's ass) This yumbot to my boudoir in HALF AN HOUR! OH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

PROFESSOR: Congratulations, Bender! You've FINALLY brought in a customer, thanks to your shiny new can! Just think what's possible when the REST of you gets an upgrade!

BENDER: Who knew cosmetic surgery could change my life so dramatically? With a few more tweaks, I'll finally be able to kick these LOOSERS to the curb and...

AMY: BENDER! You left your interior monologue function on 'SPEAKER' again.

BENDER: Whoopsie.

LATER THAT DAY...

BENDER: (holds up a pen and paper) Hey, Fry, this guy bet me a case of Olde Fortran that you were TOO STUPID to make your signature.

FRY: WHAT!? Give me that thing! (Bender leans over so Fry can sign the paper on his back) 'F'... 'R'... wait, it'll come to me... oh, right! 'Y'.

BENDER: HEH HEH HEH...

FRY: Now go get that beer and get drunk for me, pal!

BENDER: Oh, I'll do A LOT MORE than that... (he walks into a bank and presents the signed paper)

A MOMENT LATER...

BANK MANAGER: Thanks to your co-signer, Mr. FRY, you are now the proud owner of a SMALL BUSINESS LOAN. Congratulations, Sir!

BENDER: (eyes zoom out as he looks at the check presented to him) I didn't know you could print that many ZEROES on a check!

BANK MANAGER: What kind of business are you starting?

BENDER: Let's just say it's a 'BEAUTIFICATION PROJECT'. (he immediately goes back to the Doctor's office)

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: Bender! Ready for your next operation?

BENDER: Bring it on, Doc, I got money BURNING A HOLE in my chest. (he pulls out a wad of cash from inside himself)

ONE OPERATION LATER...

FRY: (admiring Bender's new lower legs and feet) Sweet CALF IMPLANTS, Bender.

HERMES: Bender, the Professor wants you to put your physical improvements to GOOD USE. (he hands them an arrow sign with 'PLANET EXPRESS' on it) You and Fry take this spinning arrow sign outside to bring in customers off the street.

FRY: (outside, holding onto the sign as Bender flips and spins it in the air) Uhh... Bender... don't think THIS is what Hermes had in mind,

BENDER: Fry, keep your MOUTH CLOSED so you don't HURL on the walk-ins.

ONE WEEK LATER...

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: The calf implants look great. Ready for your RUSTO-SUCTION?

BENDER: BRING IT!

LATER THAT DAY, AT PLANET EXPRESS...

PROFESSOR: GOOD NEWS, everyone! 'Shipping Illustrated' magazine is coming to do a profile on Planet Express! It turns out Bender has brought in so much new business with his good looks that we're now the NUMBER ONE delivery company in the WORLD! They also want to do a photo shoot and put YOU on the cover!

BENDER: YES! I can't wait to wave my shiny metal ass at their cameras!

A FEW OPERATIONS LATER...

(Bender now has 'pecs', six pack 'abs', and a cod piece)

BENDER: So, what's today's procedure?

DR. K' RITTAKHUL:ANTENNAL REJUVENATION.

BENDER: OOOOHHHH...

THAT NIGHT...

(Bender and Fry are walking a red carpet into the Hip Joint. Bender's antenna is now twice as long, and has rings around it. He also has large rings on his shoulders.)

FAN: That's him... the new 'IT' boy of the Intergalactic scene!

FRY: Wow, you sure are POPULAR.

RANDY: (holds up a magazine) Bender! Can you sign my copy of 'Shipping Weekly'?

BENDER: DONE. (a hose comes out of his mouth and sprays the magazine and Randy with oil)

RANDY: You RULE, Bender!

SOME TIME AFTER OPERATION #10...

BENDER: (he NOW has an extended visor, new forearms and thicker arms overall, a thicker neck, even bigger shoulders...) Hey, Doc, ready to SPILL SOME OIL?

DR. K' RITTAKHUL:Bender!? You're not scheduled for a procedure today.

BENDER: So what? We've got work to do. I was thinking we could start by adding a FEW MORE INCHES to my antenna...? Oh, and I'm out of cash, so I was hoping you could FLOAT me a couple of operations.

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: Bender, I'm sorry, but I CAN'T do this anymore.

BENDER: Doc, c'mon, I'll get you the money, I just need a little more time...

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: It's not that... it's just... I think you've already had TOO much work done. You need time to RECOVER...

BENDER: But I'm still ugly! Every time I look in the mirror, I see a MONSTER! Just a few more procedures and I'll be the most perfect looking robot EVER.

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: (hands Bender a card) This is the name of a psychiatrist I'd like you to talk to. I hate to say this... but I think you're ADDICTED to cosmetic surgery.

BENDER: (takes the card and rips it up, and storms out) Fine, BE that way! I'll have your stupid money within the hour! Just have the O.R. Ready to rock!

A LITTLE BIT LATER...

(Bender is in Hermes' office, asking for a favor...)

BENDER: … and with all the business my new looks have brought in, an advance of FIVE YEARS SALARY isn't THAT insane, is it?

HERMES: FIVE YEARS!? You hardly SHOW UP for work these days, let alone do the job you're PAID for!

BENDER: So this is about going on a stupid delivery mission? FINE! But when I get back, I want my MONEY! (goes and gets on the ship)

LEELA: All systems go for TAKEOFF! (she takes off and notices ships closing in on her fast)

FRY: So, Bender... I like your, um, CODPIECE?

LEELA: Uh-oh! BOGIES at ten and two... and CLOSING FAST! Aw, great... it's the SPACE PAPARAZZI!

BENDER: (grabs Leela by the shoulders) REALLY!? Let 'em get closer so they can snap shots of me looking HEROIC!

LEELA: Hey, WATCH IT! (she tries to regain control after Bender jostled her, and runs right into the flashbulbs of the paparazzi, blinding her) AHHHHHH! (the ship crashes into a billboard, and Leela and Fry are knocked out cold)

BENDER: The paparazzi will NEVER get my picture now! NICE DRIVING, Leela!

PAPARAZZIBOT 1: Bender, OPEN UP! We want a CLOSE-UP of you!

BENDER: Oh goody, they're HERE! (the paparazzi robots walk in) I'm ALL YOURS!

PAPARAZZIBOT 1: Uhhh... WHERE'S Bender?

PAPARAZZIBOT 2: Yeah! We were told he was on THIS delivery ship.

BENDER: Paparazzo, I'm RIGHT HERE! I'M Bender!

PAPARAZZIBOT 3: No, you are most certainly NOT Bender. But if he's on board, tell us where he is, and we'll make it WORTH YOUR WHILE...

PAPARAZZIBOT 1: We scanned the ship for other non human life forms. This robot is the ONLY ONE aboard.

PAPARAZZIBOT 3: We've been had. Okay boys, let's roll before the OTHER paps get here...

BENDER: Guys, seriously, I'M Bender! THE Bender!

PAPARAZZIBOT 2: Listen FREAKSHOW, we know what Bender looks like, and it ain't some over-worked, cosmetic surgery fiend like YOU!

PAPARAZZIBOT 3: My friend can be a little HARSH sometimes. Let me make it up to you... (offers Bender a wad of cash) ...here, take THIS, and we'll TAKE THESE HUMANS off your hands.

BENDER: Wait a minute, you can't TAKE my friends!

PAPARAZZIBOT 1: (carrying Fry and Leela off) We're not. We're BUYING them to be our CELEBRITY CHASING SLAVES.

PAPARAZZIBOT 3: (throws the money at Bender) Now HERE'S your money! (he then kicks Bender out of the ship, and he falls to the ground)

BENDER: AAHHHHH! (Bender crashes to the ground and goes through the street. The money starts falling down around the hole created by his crash) OOMHF!

A MOMENT LATER...

(Bender manages to pull him self up to the surface...)

BENDER: Ohhh... what have I DONE? My friends are in danger, and I've become a... a...

TINNY TIM: MONSTER!!! It's a monster FALLEN from space! Everyone, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! (everyone on the street runs off in a panic)

BENDER: I have to save my friends! (starts picking up the money around him) But now I have the money for my ONE LAST SURGERY... I know what I GOTTA DO! He runs off)

RAOUL: (comes up from the hole) HEY! Who's gonna fix this!?

THAT EVENING...

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: (looking over papers on her desk. A knock is heard) Come in... Bender, what can I do for you?

BENDER: I need ONE MORE SURGERY, Doc.

DR. K' RITTAKHUL: I have SERIOUS reservations about this...

BENDER: I promise, Doc... this is the LAST TIME.

MEANWHILE, ACROSS TOWN...

PAPARAZZIBOT 1: This is how it works. We got an anonymous tip that Calculon will be arriving at the club around the corner any minute now... he HATES the paparazzi, so YOU (points to Fry) get in his face with your camera! As he BEATS THE SNOT out of you, we will take photos of it and sell them to the highest bidder!

LEELA: what's my job?

PAPARAZZIBOT 2: You get to stay behind as COLLATERAL. If your friend tries to run away or does anything else stupid, YOU suffer for it!

PAPARAZZIBOT 1: Now get out there and lead with your CHIN, bone burrito!

PAPARAZZIBOT 3: Wait, I'm getting word that BRANGELINA'S HEADS have been spotted in NOWESOHO!

PAPARAZZIBOT 1: (grabs Fry and Leela by their throats) Change of plans, Brangelina's where the BIG MONEY is! Let's go!

LATER, IN NOWESOHO...

PAPARAZZIBOT 1: I don't get it... THIS is the spot they're supposed to be at!

BENDER: (now has his body back to normal) Sorry to disappoint you, ROBO-LEECHES... but Brangelina's heads have got better things to do than be bothered by YOU LOSERS!

PAPARAZZIBOT 1: Hey, it's that Bender guy... I think.

PAPARAZZIBOT 2: He SORTA looks like him... maybe he's one of them VEGAS IMPERSONATOR TYPES?

BENDER: Seeing that I'm such a nice guy and all, I didn't wanna leave you here EMPTY HANDED... (he reaches inside himself and pulls out heads in jars) … it's the Brangelina BRATS! FETCH!

PAPARAZZIBOT 1: Those are the most valuable heads of celebrity children ever! Boys, GO GET THEM! (They all start chasing the rolling heads in jars)

BENDER: (throwing another head into the air) GO DEEP for Shiloh!

FRY: Bender, you're back to your OLD SELF!

LEELA: Thanks for saving us... even though it WAS your fault we were enslaved by those paparazzi to begin with.

BENDER: Or was it YOUR fault for making me feel inadequate about my appearance, thereby FORCING ME to seek cosmetic upgrades?

LEELA: Uh, no, it's a fact: YOU boned US.

BENDER: Oh, Leela, there'll be plenty of time to ignore your PARANOID ACCUSATIONS once we get out of here. Come on, let's go have a victory drink on YOU!

Later at O'Zorgnax's Pub...

BENDER: … and that's when I realized that vanity is WORTHLESS if no one recognizes you! So here I am, back to being the Bender you know and love! All's well that ends well... FOR ME! BENDER!

LEELA: Uh, not quite. You caused me to TOTAL the delivery ship.

FRY: Plus you TRICKED me into co-signing for your STUPID LOAN!

BENDER: Aww, I love you guys too. I just love me MORE.

LEELA: Think again, you VAIN IDIOT! I think after your latest stunt, I can say now that I honestly, truly HATE-

BENDER: (applies choke holds to Fry and Leela) That's right... there ARE no words to say how you feel about me! So let's just hug it out, you EASILY PUT TO SLEEP SOFTIES!

THE END


Captain Zapp Brannigan in-

PURPLE TENTACLE TOUR

SCRIPT: ERIC ROGERS

PENCILS: JOHN DELANEY

INKS:DAN DAVIS

COLORS: NATHAN HAMILL

LETTERS: KAREN BATES

EDITOR: BILL MORRISON


Zapp is seen holding a burning flare above his head while hanging onto an unconscious Doop soldier...

KIF: We've FOUND THEM!! Captain Brannigan, are you HURT?

ZAPP: Don't worry about me, Kif. We need to get this soldier to a hospital, STAT! (Zapp and the soldier are placed on stretchers)

KIF: Sir, what happened to the rest of the unit?

ZAPP: They're gone... ALL GONE.

KIF: At least you SAVED one soldier's life.

ZAPP: (thinking) I DID do that, didn't I?

Later in a hospital, Kif and Glab come to visit Zapp...

GLAB: Kif told me how you saved that young soldier's life on the battle field, Captain.

ZAPP: Kif never lies, so it must be TRUE. Speaking of which, how IS Private Carroll?

GLAB:He's in a COMA. The doctors don't think he'll EVER wake up from it.

ZAPP: (looks nervous) Poor boy. I wish I could have done MORE.

GLAB: (presents Zapp a box with a medal in it) Captain, you SAVED Private Carroll's life. In honor of such bravery, the Doop is presenting you with the PURPLE TENTACLE AWARD.

ZAPP: The Purple Tentacle? But this is for HEROES!

GLAB: You ARE a hero. And as such, take as much time as you need to recover before resuming your duties.

KIF: Which you'll need because every media outlet in the universe wants to hear YOUR STORY.

ZAPP: (thinking) So you're saying I'm going to be in the papers? Magazines? On TV!?

KIF: The requests are endless. You'll be doing press for WEEKS.

GLAB: And the positive P.R. Will increase enlistment of NEW RECRUITS!

ZAPP: (Jumps out of the bed ,and walks out with his ass sticking out of the back of the hospital gown. Glad and Kif look disgusted and sickened at the sight) Then there's NO TIME TO WASTE! If the world wants Zapp Brannigan, let's give him to them!

OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS...

ZAPP: (being interviewed on the news) … I don't remember much after the attack, other than I was determined to do whatever it took to save WHAT'S-HIS-NAME'S life.

MORBO: You mean PRIVATE CARROLL?

LINDA: HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Now Zapp is seen reclining on a couch...

DR DREW'S HEAD: Tell me, Captain, why have you joined us here on 'CELEBRITY REHAB'?

ZAPP: Because I'm addicted, doc... addicted to HEROISM. I'm a junkie for SAVING LIVES, and I'll do anything for my NEXT FIX!

Zapp is on TV with Elzar...

ELZAR: Thanks for joining us on 'Knock It Up A Notch With Elzar', Captain. So what dish are we knocking up a notch today?

ZAPP: 'Purple Tentacle Tenderloin' in honor of the medal which I, ZAPP BRANNIGAN received for being the WORLD'S GREATEST HERO.

Zapp is on a movie set...

CALCULON: (being held in Zapp's arms) Captain, you SAVED MY LIFE. How can I ever REPAY you?

ZAPP: Just promise me you'll do the same for another soldier someday, Private Calculon.

HAROLD ZOID: CUT! Perfect! Moving on...

CALCULON: Excellent scene, Captain.

KIF: (Walks onto the stage) Sir, may I have a word with you...?

ZAPP: What now, Kif? I have to rehearse my love scene with Monique.

KIF: It's about Private Carroll... he WOKE UP from his coma., and he wants to see YOU!

ZAPP: (suddenly worried) Oh CRAP.

A LITTLE WHILE LATER...

Zapp walks into a hospital room where Private Carroll is wrapped in bandages and casts.

PRIVATE CARROLL: Captain! Sir, I'm sure GLAD to see you!

ZAPP: (forcing a smile) And COLOR ME CHIPPER to see you awake as well, Private. So... what exactly DO you remember about the battle?

PRIVATE CARROLL: Not much of anything, but they said you SAVED MY LIFE!

ZAPP: Er... TECHNICALLY that's true... (Zapp's conscience kicks in, and argues with him, with the classic Angel and Devil on each shoulder...)

'ANGEL ZAPP': Brother Zapp, I beseecheth thee to confess the TRUTH about what happened on that battlefield!

'DEVIL ZAPP': Ehh... why don't you go babysit some CHERUBS, Whitey? We both know without big Z, the kid comes home in a BODY BAG! Enough of his jibber-jabber... let's blow this Popsicle stand and do an episode of 'HOLLYWOOD HOVER-SQUARES'.

'ANGEL ZAPP': The only reason YOU didn't cometh back in a body bag is becauseth of the boy! The rewards of honesty far OUTWEIGHETH the materialistic gains of continuing this LIE! You MUST do the right thing!

ZAPP: Whitey's right! I can't continue this charade. It's time to COME CLEAN!

'DEVIL ZAPP': Don't listen to HIM! He's confusing you with his WEIRD WORD PLAY AND SENSUAL EAR MASSAGE! Let's keep HAVING FUN!

'ANGEL ZAPP': (pulls out a laser gun and shoots the Devil) TAKETH A HIKE!

'DEVIL ZAPP': YAAAAHHH!

PRIVATE CARROLL: Uh... Captain, WHO are you talking to?

ZAPP: No one... uh... I mean, YOU, soldier. And it's high time you learned what REALLY happened during the battle... (Zapp begins to describe- not so truthfully- what happened that day on the battlefield...) It was just you and me. The others were all captured or, well, YOU KNOW. The enemy was coming and you offered to give YOUR LIFE for mine!

ZAPP (in the flashback): I have the perfect plan... you jump out and TAKE ENEMY FIRE while I RUN the other way!

PRIVATE CARROLL (in the flashback) Sir, No, Sir! That's SUICIDE!

ZAPP: I wouldn't let you do it, but there was no escape. We only had ONE option left to make it out of there ALIVE...

ZAPP (in the flashback): (takes a rock and hits Private Carroll in the head, knocking him out) SWEET DREAMS, soldier! (Zapp then hides under Private Carroll as the enemy marches by, thinking he is dead)

ZAPP: … you offered to COVER ME with your body and pretend to PLAY DEAD as the enemy marched by! The enemy left us behind, but the Doop didn't know where we were. You passed out from sheer exhaustion and, I was left to do the only thing I could THINK of...

ZAPP (in the flashback): (he is sitting on Private Carroll and digging through his backpack) Mmm... what is this, a POWER BAR? I'm so hungry... ANYTHING will do at this point! (he bites into the end of it not realizing he has set off a flare) WHAT THE!?...

ZAPP: I found a flare and lit it in the hopes someone would see it. Thankfully, they DID. (the flashback ends) … so you see, I was credited with saving your life, when in fact, it was the OTHER WAY AROUND.

PRIVATE CARROLL: Gee, Captain, you're STILL the one who got us out of there.

ZAPP: (thinking) Perhaps. But now the world deserves to know... the TRUTH!

A LITTLE WHILE LATER...

A press conference in the hospital...

ZAPP: (standing next to Private Carroll) Here is the TRUE hero, gentlemen. Without his sacrifice, NEITHER one of us would be standing here today. So I give him my Purple Tentacle Award for displaying HEROISM in the face of danger!

REPORTER 1: Captain, you are the ULTIMATE patriot!

REPORTER 2: He may be the most SELFLESS PERSON ever!

KIF: (walks up to Zapp as he leaves Private Carroll to bask in the glory of all the reporters) Sir, the Doop is flooded with calls from everyone wanting the rights to your LIFE STORY... books, films, even a Broadway musical! (Zapp just grins, as his conscience starts to battle anew...)

'ANGEL ZAPP': Um... this ISN'T what I hadeth in mind...

'DEVIL ZAPP': Well played, Big Z. WELL PLAYED.

THE END

Buddies