The crew is standing at the front doorstep, all looking down at something on the ground.
PROFESSOR: Oh MY! Look what someone has left on our DOORSTEP!
FRY: It's so... SMALL.
BENDER: They come that way sometimes, Fry.
AMY: Hey, there's a NOTE attached to it!
ZOIDBERG: Has someone finally answered Zoidberg's prayers with this BUNDLE OF JOY?
HERMES: I've already got a name for that little baby!
LEELA: You guys, it's not like we've never seen one before...
They all walk out onto the sidewalk and stand around a box.
LEELA: ... it's just a STUPID PACKAGE someone left for one of us.
She bends down and picks up a letter that's on top of the box.
HERMES: Nevertheless, I STILL have a name for it... Planet Express delivery order number 0-5-0-1-7-6!
ZOIDBERG: C'mon, let's see what's inside, why not!
LEELA: (opens the letter) WAIT! This package ISN'T for us! It's a box of robo-grain bars, the energy food bars made for humans and robots!
FRY: Sounds just stupid enough to be yummy!
HERMES: They're NOT, mon. They make them with ROBOT OIL and cover them in CHOCOLATE to hide the TERRIBLE TASTE! They're so bad even ZOIDBERG won't touch them.
LEELA: They've included an advance of $10,000 with a balance of $40,000 payable upon delivery IF the unopened box is delivered to the planet Desolatia.
HERMES: Well, who's "they"?
LEELA: It doesn't say.
Everyone stands quietly staring at Leela for a second.
LEELA: What? Do I have SPINACH in my teeth again?
FRY: (counts on his fingers) Mystery sender, insane pay day, deep space destination... isn't this when you say you have a "BAD FEELING" about this and tell us we SHOULDN'T take the job?
AMY: Plus, you have SPINACH in your teeth.
LEELA: It's obviously such a suspicious mission that I figured the Professor would veto the crap out of it!
PROFESSOR: OH MY NO! Fifty thousand dollars is EXACTLY how much it costs to destroy those MUTATED SHARKS I dumped in the Hudson River last week!
There is a scene of police hovercars over the river and a boat with Smitty and URL in it. One shark is jumping out of the water and punching the underside of a hovercar. One shark has two heads, one head is biting the boat and the other is biting URL. The last shark is seems to be growling and has a very large brain.
SMITTY: We're gonna need A BIGGER BOAT!
URL: Damn skippy.
Back at Planet Express, the Professor heads into the building.
LEELA: Then I'm guessing there's no point in my obligatory final stab at REASON?
PROFESSOR: Not unless you simply want to hear the sound of your voice. OFF YOU GO!
LEELA: C'mon, knuckleheads, let's give the Professor ANOTHER CHANCE to collect on our LIFE INSURANCE POLICIES.
Later, in deep space...
The Planet Express ship passes a sign with general directions on it. It says:
'Desolatia 3 light years
Omicron-Persei 8 82 light years
Twin Moons of Pamanderson 145 light years'.
Next to it is a gas, food, and lodging listing.
FRY: (from inside the ship) Ohhh, can we hit the Kentucky Fried Sushi drive-thru, Leela?
Inside, Fry is standing at the window.
FRY: ... I want to try the EXTRA CRISPY EEL meal with side of WASABI SLAW!
LEELA: Look, guys, I love Colonel Sander-san's ROTISSERIE UNAGI as much as the next heart-clogger, but we need to get to Desolatia as soon as poss--
A large 'BOOM' cuts her off.
LEELA: We've LOST POWER in engine two! Bender, how many times have I told you not to put your feet up on the console?!
BENDER: But my feet weren't anywhere NEAR the controls!
FRY: You know, it's time like these when I like to sit back, reflect, and recognize that... *freaks out* ... WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
LEELA: We're entering Desolatia's atmosphere! It's not going to be pretty, but I think I can get us down there in ONE PIECE! BUCKLE UP, boys!
A few seconds later...
The ship screeches toward the planet's surface, hits ground, skids, and stops with the nose dented against a cliff.
LEELA: Are you guys okay?...
Bender is sitting calmly with a cigar.
BENDER: Never better.
LEELA: where's Fry?!
FRY: (just out of frame and weakly) Present...
Sometime during the crash, Fry fell onto Bender's seat. Bender jumps off him.
BENDER: I THOUGHT that seat was COMFIER than usual.
LEELA: Fry, are you all right?
FRY: I don't know... are my ribs supposed to make CRACKING NOISES when I breathe?
BENDER: (lifts Fry) Upsy-daisy, meatbag.
LEELA: OH NO! We've got SERIOUS TROUBLE, guys! Engine two is so damaged...
She points to a diagnostic screen. One engine is highlighted with a large 'WARNING'.
LEELA: ... that we CAN'T FLY the ship!
BENDER: How did it happen?
Leela picks up a walkie talkie.
LEELA: I'm not sure, but I'll radio for help. Mayday, mayday, this is ONE-B-D-I, and we need HELP! ... HELLO?! ... is anyone receiving this transmission?
FRY: You're only getting STATIC and COUNTRY MUSIC STATIONS!
RADIO: *crackles* ... my heart's on fiiiir-ah, Elvira! *crackles* ... don't tell my heart, my achy-breaky heart!... *crackles* ... all my ex's live in Texas...
BENDER: (gasps) CHANGEITCHANGEITCHANGEIT!
Sometime later, they've come up with a bit of a plan.
FRY: DRIVE? How are we going to do THAT?
LEELA: Where there are WHEELS, there's a way!
Wheels that have replaced the normal landing gear drop down from the ship's underside.
LEELA: There should be enough juice in engine one to at least get us out of these mountains so we can get reception again. LET'S ROLL!
Two hours later...
LEELA: Anything, Bender?
BENDER: Nothing but the occasional BOOT SCOOTIN' BOOGIE.
FRY: (holding his stomach) Are we there yet? My stomach's making ZOIDBERG NOISES!
LEELA: Well, we should eat. Who knows how long it will take before we contact someone by radio.
FRY: What about those robo-grain bars?
BENDER: Works for me!
The three of them head for the cargo bay.
LEELA: These energy bars will probably taste like robo-crap, but its better than nothing.
FRY: Robo-crap can't be any WORSE than the majority of things I've put in my mouth.
The door slides open and inside there's smoke and a purple glow.
BENDER: OH LORDY!
FRY: Uh... I was taught never to eat anything that GLOWS.
LEELA: Fry, those aren't ENERGY BARS at all...
She points to the large smoking hole in the floor.
LEELA: They're NUCLEOTOPES!
FRY: What's a "nucleotope"?
LEELA: One of the MOST VOLATILE NUCLEAR WEAPONS in the known universe! Doop's elite fighting units use them to fight TERRORISM by leaving one on a terrorist's front porch inside a lit paper bag. The bad guy sees the bag, steps on it, and it's TAL-I-BOOM! This part of the floor is above engine two. One of these nucleotopes much have fallen out during the flight and detonated on impact! That's why the engine blew!
BENDER: Hey, I know what we can do!
Bender pulls a lit flare from his chest cabinet.
BENDER: Why don't we just shoot this FLARE out the window so the calvary will find us?
Leela looks panicked, then snatches the flare from him.
LEELA: Bender, are you CRACKED?!
She throws the flare in an ejection hatch and hits the button.
LEELA: Everything within a TWO-MILE RADIUS will BLOW SKY-HIGH if fire of ANY KIND ignites these things! If that whole box had tipped, we'd be DEAD five times over!
She points to the box of remaining nucleotopes.
LEELA: It's too risky to drive with these things. The mountainous terrain of this planet is just too rugged.
FRY: So what're we gonna do?
LEELA: We WALK until we find help!
A little later...
Bender, Fry, and Leela are walking with the ship behind them.
LEELA: Guys! LOOK!
There's a fire not far from them.
LEELA: SMOKE! We must be near CIVILIZATION! We can radio from help from there!
The fire is from a small tent that's gone up in flames. Three robots are outside it.
ORANGE ROBOT: HELP! The tent...!
YELLOW ROBOT: The tent...!
RED ROBOT: THE TENT IS ON FIRE!
LEELA: Bender, use your WATER HOSE!
BENDER: Fry has a hose, too. Why can't HE do it?
Bender opens his chest, which now has a coiled up garden hose inside. Leela grabs it and runs while Fry turns.
LEELA: Keep YOUR hose holstered Fry! I'll handle this!
ORANGE ROBOT: HURRY! Save our friend, MOW! He's sleeping inside the tent!
Once the fire is out, everyone gathers around.
LEELA: What happened?
YELLOW ROBOT: We have no idea. One minute we're about to sit down for dinner, and the next thing we know, this object comes flying out of the sky, SHOOTING FLAMES!
BENDER: Just "FELL" from the sky, eh? Go figure.
ORANGE ROBOT: (looks in the tent) Oh no...
YELLOW ROBOT: Is it Mow? Is he...?
ORANGE ROBOT: Gone. The fire was too much for his ALREADY WEAK main frame.
RED ROBOT: There's only ONE THING left to do...
FRY: BURY HIM?
ORANGE ROBOT: Nope. EAT HIM.
LEELA: What?! You're going to EAT one of your OWN KIND?
ORANGE ROBOT: We MUST. Unlike most robots, we were built with fuel-efficiency in mind. We're designed to process metallic elements, which gives us infinitely more fuel sources.
RED ROBOTS: We usually get nutrients by eating parts from ABANDONED SPACESHIPS. But since we've been on this mountain, we've had to RECYCLE our own TO SURVIVE.
Bender shivers and cowers behind Fry.
FRY: You're like that famous group of people that ate each other in the old west... THE RICHARD DONNER PARTY!
The three robots move for the tent and the orange robot looks at Bender.
ORANGE ROBOT: Oh how rude of me... would you like to join us for dinner?
BENDER: For the LOVE OF LECTER, no!
LEELA: Wait, who ARE you robots, and why are you out here?
ORANGE ROBOT: We are escapees from a labor camp run by RUTHLESS CYBORGS who mine this planet for its COAL.
FRY: Why coal?
ORANGE ROBOT: Few planets in the universe have any coal left as a natural resource, but Desolatia has an ABUNDANCE of it. The coal is exported for its many uses, such as Native American jewelry and as the main ingredient in the tobacco product SCOAL.
LEELA: You know, I heard coal was the new TURQUOISE...
BENDER: But why in the name of everything holy are you out HERE eating your fellow robots?!?
ORANGE ROBOT: Thirty of us escaped the camp, but we miscalculated how much fuel we'd need and soon... we ran out. We began to die off, and the only means of survival left was to eat the NON-FUNCTIONING. Say, you don't happen to have anything in your chest cabinet that you don't NEED, do you? A hubcap, a spare antenna...?
LEELA: We don't want to interrupt your dinner, but can you point us towards the labor camp? Our ship is down just over the ridge and we need to radio for help.
ORANGE ROBOT: How did you end up on Desolatia?
LEELA: We were duped into delivering a package full of nucleotopes. One blew up our main engine.
ORANGE ROBOT: NUCLEOTOPES?! Then you're from PLANET EXPRESS... ?!? You are our SAVIORS!
LEELA: What do you mean?
ORANGE ROBOT: WE ordered those nucleotopes! We knew your company would never deliver them if you knew what was inside the box, so we had one of our robot brothers on Earth disguise the weapons, and VOILA! Here you are!
FRY: But why not just send for somebody to rescue you? Why do you need the nucleotopes?
ORANGE ROBOT: There are too many of our kind left in that labor camp... and we're not leaving without them. The nucleotopes will be used to WAGE WAR against our oppressors to set our brothers and sisters FREE! Now, if you could just show us to our package--
LEELA: You LIED to us! We could've died delivering that box, and now we're STRANDED in the middle of God-knows-where, and you want your package?!? FORGET IT!
ORANGE ROBOT: But innocent robots are being WORKED TO DEATH! Take Jack, who just wants to jackhammer sidewalks to make room for escalator walkways. Or Hoe, who wants to churn soil so new plant life can bloom. Even I have a dream of creating a hedge maze so large that it would take days to find the center! But instead we are made to dig for coal until we die. Find it in your heart to help us! JOIN OUR FIGHT!
BENDER: You know, that "woe-is-me" stuff is real heartwrenching and all, but you forgot the magic word.
ORANGE ROBOT: PLEASE?
BENDER: Nope. MONEY.
ORANGE ROBOT: Money? OF COURSE! Once we get to the camp, you'll be paid ten-fold our original agreement!
BENDER: C'mon, Leela, where's your HEART? We can't leave these battered 'bots to die like this!
LEELA: Two minutes ago you couldn't have cared less about these guys!
BENDER: Their story touched something DEEP INSIDE of me.
FRY: That EMPTY CASH REGISTER you keep in your chest?
LEELA: I don't care how much money they have, it's not WORTH DYING FOR!
ORANGE ROBOT: If you don't help us, you'll die regardless.
LEELA: What do you mean? Is this a trick to get us to do your DIRTY WORK?
ORANGE ROBOT: No trick. If you go to the camp alone, you'll be shot on SIGHT. If you wait for help, you'll die of STARVATION. I'm afraid we robots are your ONLY HOPE of getting off Desolatia.
LEELA: (crosses her arms) If it wasn't for BONED LUCK, I'd have no luck at all.
FRY: Does that mean we have to drive the ship there and risk blowing up with every tiny bump?
LEELA: (sighs) If we want to go home, that's EXACTLY what we have to do.
Bender puts his arm around Fry's shoulder.
BENDER: The WAGES OF FEAR are never worth it... are they, meatbag?
Fry, Bender, and Leela are back in the ship, joined by the three robots.
ORANGE ROBOT: ... So Bender, you've got a nice, MEATY chest cabinet... how 'bout when we get to the camp we bust out the welding torch and trim off some of that unwieldy GIRTH?
BENDER: Are we there yet??
LEELA: Everybody SHUSH! This is hard enough without having to humor your ANNOYING BANTER!
FRY: Bender, are you all right? You're shaking like a tambourine in JOE COCKER'S PANTS during an EARTHQUAKE!
BENDER: Well, in case you hadn't noticed, these jerks are eyeing me like a piece of RAW STEEL!
FRY: I know how to handle this! *speaks loudly* I guess I'll go down to the trash bay and finish compacting up those OLD, USELESS BATTLE 'BOTS just sitting there WASTING SPACE!
YELLOW ROBOT: You've got battle 'bots you're going to THROW AWAY?!
The yellow and red robot head for the door.
YELLOW/RED ROBOT: Must... eat... ROBO-BRAINS!
Fry turns the the orange robot, who is still standing close to Bender.
FRY: Sculpto, don't you want some, too? I hear battle 'bots taste just like CHICKEN 'BOTS!
SCULPTO: No thanks. I don't want to spoil my DINNER.
LEELA: Everyone stay put, we've got SPACE MOUNTAIN GOATS at twelve o' clock! Someone needs to go out and MOVE THEM!
Bender wraps his arm around Fry's neck and drags him to the door.
BENDER: I volunteer me and Fry!
When they get outside, Bender is still shaking.
BENDER: Thanks for coming with me, Fry. Sculpto was FILLETING me with his eyes. I couldn't take it anymore.
FRY: No sweat, pal. But how are we going to move these space goats off the road? What if we dress in space goatskins and act like we're too cool for this scene. When we walk away, they'll follow us!
BENDER: Yeah, sure, sounds great...
Bender pulls a cigar and a match out of his chest, then strikes the match on the cliff face.
BENDER: I need a smoke. Come to daddy... OHHH MAMA...
He puffs the cigar as there is a loud rumbling.
FRY: Hey, what's that NOISE?
The rumbling continues and the space goats run off.
BENDER: (looks at his hands) Hey, my shakes finally STOPPED.
FRY: You must've given them to the mountain then! The goats are GONE!
BENDER: (looks up) Uh... Fry, there's something you need to know...
Bender and Fry run back to the ship through the canyon, large rocks falling around them.
They run onto the bridge behind Leela.
BENDER: Uh... we moved the goats!
FRY: But unless you floor it, we're going to blast off in a VERY BAD WAY!
The ship speeds through the ravine, dodging the falling rocks.
YELLOW ROBOT: OHHH!
RED ROBOT: AHHH!
FRY: Good move, Leela!
SCULPTO: Do you WORK OUT, Bender?
BENDER: Stop TOUCHING me, Sculpto!
They finally turn out of the canyon to a safe stretch of ground.
FRY: Way to go, Leela! You SAVED us!
LEELA: Phew. I don't think it can get any...
Not far down the path, there's an old rope bridge. A few of the boards are broken and hanging from their places, and the whole thing is over a river of lava.
FRY: Tell me that's a river of SPAGHETTI SAUCE down there.
BENDER: Looks like we're stuck between SOME ROCKS and a HOT PLACE! We gotta VAMOOSE!
LEELA: But that rickety old bridge will never support our ship! We're either going to be CRUSHED to death, BLOWN UP by the nucleotopes, or BURNED UP in the lava!
BENDER: Says you!
Bender marches out and jumps off the ship.
BENDER: Once again it's up to to the robot to SAVE THE DAY!
He runs over to the bridge, wraps his legs around the pegs holding one side up, and stretches his arms and legs out.
BENDER: ELONGATE like the wind, you MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!
He grabs the pegs on the other side of the river and the ship drives over just as the falling rocks catch up to them and the rope bridge falls.
BENDER: (sings) Oh yeah! Do the Bender! Do the Bender!
Safely on the other side...
Everyone is off the ship and standing around Bender, who is sitting on a rock and has large puffs of steam coming off his body.
FRY: Way to go, buddy!
LEELA: You saved us, Bender!
SCULPTO: Mmm... and he's been STEAMED TO PERFECTION by the lava!
BENDER: (turns to Sculpto) That's it! I'm DONE with this mission! Me and my friends are dodging death at every turn, and all you do is size me up like I'm some XMAS GOOSE! If I want your stinking money so bad, then I'll get it the OLD-FASHIONED WAY... BY STEALING IT!
SCULPTO: Oh my. I had a feeling that you might have a change of heart...
Sculpto, along with the red and yellow robot, all pull out guns.
SCULPTO: ... But I think we can PERSUADE you to finish what you started!
LEELA: The ship's LASER RIFLES!
SCULPTO: That's right! Now get BACK ON BOARD and take us to the camp!
Fry, Bender, and Leela walk back up the stairs with their hands up.
FRY: Great. Not only are we going to die, but we're working PRO BONE-O.
SCULPTO: Shut up and move!
The ship is stopped just in view of a mouth of a mine. A long line of robots file into the cave while a conveyor belt brings out a steady flow of coal. All around are guards with rifles that look like cyborg animals. A few look like dogs, one looks like a lizard, and another looks like a bear.
DOG GUARD: Work harder, you RUSTY MONGRELS!
LIZARD GUARD: The coal won't mine itself!
One of the dog guards sees the Planet Express ship and walks over.
DOG GUARD: HALT! Identify yourselves or DIE!
Leela, Bender, and Fry come down the stairs with Fry pushing a large crate.
FRY: We're Planet Express from Earth. We're here to deliver your PACKAGE.
LIZARD GUARD: Package? From Earth?! No one ordered ANYTHING from you!
SCULPTO: (from inside the crate) Wrong, you ugly cy-bore!
The three robots pop out from the crate.
DOG GUARD: Well, if it isn't our old friend Sculpto! You've brought us MORE SLAVES to make up for your ESCAPE!
SCULPTO: I've come to FREE my brethren from you ONCE AND FOR ALL!
LIZARD GUARD: And how do you propose to do THAT?
SCULPTO: (holds up a glowing box) With these NUCLEOTOPES! Now, let everyone go, or we ALL die!
DOG GUARD: How could they have sent for these bombs RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES?
LIZARD GUARD: Uh, sir, you did SIGN OFF on a office supply order about a month ago.
DOG GUARD: I KNEW $10,000 worth of white-out SOUNDED SUSPICIOUS! Okay, so your working conditions aren't IDEAL. I'm open to SUGGESTIONS. What would you like? MORE OIL? LESS TORTURE? CASUAL FRIDAYS?!
SCULPTO: NO NEGOTIATIONS! It's FREEDOM or DEATH!
A green robot throws up his arms.
GREEN ROBOT: Come on, everybody! We can take 'em!
SCULPTO: Now wait. Hold on a sec, we need to--
The robots launch at the cyborgs, who begin firing their laser rifles.
GREEN ROBOT: FREEEEEEDOM!
RED ROBOT: KILL THE 'BORGS!
BEAR GUARD: My OIL-LUST will finally be QUENCHED!
YELLOW ROBOT: AAAAAH!
LIZARD GUARD: We will FEAST on their CHASSIS!
A guard punches Sculpto and he drops the box of nucleotopes.
FRY: Yeah, that's just what these nucleotopes need... more reasons to go KA-BLOOEY!
BENDER: Leela, make like a Rockette and kick us out of here!
LEELA: You don't have to ask TWICE!
Leela runs and kicks any robot or cybrog that's in her way. Bender and Fry follow in her path.
Leela, Bender, and Fry are on a cliff far away from the fighting.
LEELA: WE MADE IT! And they still haven't BLOWN THEMSELVES UP!
BENDER: It's as if we were meant to just make it out of there in time so we can live TO DIE in some other moronic fashion ANOTHER DAY...
A huge explosion forms on the horizon.
LEELA: Will you two shut up?
Bits of robot body parts begin to rain down on the cliff. Bender knocks Fry and Leela over and lays across them.
BENDER: Stay down, guys! I'LL protect you!
FRY: Hey, you just relocated my dislocated ribs, Bender! THANKS!
Bender points to the large dust cloud that's left over from the explosion. There's also a screeching sound.
BENDER: I guess everybody went boom.
LEELA: Along with our ship.
FRY: What's that noise?
The ship falls on the cliff right next to them.
FRY: Oh. Never mind.
BENDER: Well, let's SKEDADDLE!
VOICE: Not... so... FAST!
They turn around and see Sculpto, beaten in and missing one arm.
BENDER: SCULPTO?! How did you SURVIVE?
SCULPTO: You think... a little nuclear bomb... *he coughs* ... can take me out? Think... again! Now... take me to... your planet!
He begins to tap at Bender's foot with his good limb.
BENDER: Aw, isn't he CUTE?
Leela takes an emergency phone from Bender's chest.
LEELA: I'm still having trouble getting reception, and with the slave camp blown up, we can't radio for help.
FRY: What are we gonna do?
SCULPTO: Don't... leave me here... to die. I want... what little life I have left... to have MEANING!
BENDER: I think I just might have a way to solve ALL our problems...
Bender lifts up what's left of Sculpto's body and uses his one good arm as an antenna.
LEELA: HELLO... SEPTUPLE-A? We need a TOW.
Sal is hooking the Planet Express ship up to tow it back to Earth.
SCULPTO: I don't... have much... time. I want to say... I'M SORRY... and to... give you something...
He holds out a diamond that's nearly the size of Bender's head.
SCULPTO: I'm afraid... it's not as... VALUABLE as coal, but it means... SOMETHING to me.
FRY: Uh... yeah, sure looks like junk!
BENDER: Yep, just another shiny WORTHLESS rock!
SCULPTO: (weakly) Goodbye... my brotherrrrr...
Bender takes the diamond as Sculpto shuts down.
BENDER: YAHTZEE! *he jumps up and down* This must be worth at least 100 GRAND!
FRY: We'll give the Professor $50,000, then split the rest between us! He'll never have to KNOW!
LEELA: That's the best idea you've ever had, Fry!
SAL: You're sets to go, but since this tows is FURTHER than your memberships pays for, I gotta haves the money for the bill UPS FRONT. That'll be FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS, pleases.
BENDER: What?? No! NOOOOOOO! *he points* How 'bout I trade you the RED-HEADED DORK for the tow? He's gotta be worth something! ANYTHING but the diamond!
SAL: Throws in your lady friend and maybes we got a DEAL.
SCULPTO: (in caption box) Another explosive conclusion!