Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #54: How Much Is That Mutant In The Window?
Transcribed by Umbreon

Fry, Nibbler, Leela, and Bender are on the bridge of the ship. Both Fry and Nibbler are hopping around.

FRY: EIIM! EIIM! EIIM! EIIM!

NIBBLER: EIIM! EIIM! EIIM! EIIM!

LEELA: How cute! Fry's imitating Nibbler's POTTY DANCE!

BENDER: That's no imitation--that's FRY'S potty dance! Scruffy never fixed the toilet after I dared Fry to flush your SCRUNCHIE COLLECTION on our LAST delivery mission!

Leela picks up Nibbler's leash as everyone walks off the bridge.

BENDER: We better get that little piggy outside before he WEE WEE WEE'S all over the place!

Fry and Nibbler continue hopping to the stairs off the ship, and once they get there, Fry dashes down.

LEELA: Just have to put on little Nibbly-wibbly's leash, so he doesn't run off!


How Much Is That Mutant In The Window?

Futurama comic #54


ERIC ROGERS - SCRIPT

JAMES LLOYD - PENCILS

ANDREW PEPOY – INKS

ALAN HELLARD - COLORS

KAREN BATES - LETTERS

BILL MORRISON - EDITOR


Bender and Leela walk calmly while Nibbler strains his leash and Fry runs looking for a bathroom. They are at a park with a sign that reads 'Welcome to interplanetary pet play! (Formerly known as 'Halley's Comet')' In the park is a man with a mini-giraffe, two fembots with dogs, a man with a huge St. Bernard, and a centipede-like robot walking eight dogs at once.

BENDER: So, Leela, how'd you FIND this place?

LEELA: There was a great write-up about it in this month's issue of "UNHEALTHY PET OBSESSION MONTHLY"!

Bender walks up to the bush Fry is hiding behind.

BENDER: Good boy, Fry!

Nibbler begins to sniff, then tugs again as Fry comes out from behind the bush.

FRY: Ahhh... MUCH better.

LEELA: Looks like Nibbler's caught a SCENT! I'll see you two in a little while!

Leela leaves and Bender looks around.

BENDER: There sure are a lot of SINGLE LADY-BOTS here today...

FRY: Too bad you don't have a dog, Bender... y'know, with pets being CHICK MAGNETS and all!

Bender opens his chest and pulls out a robo-puppy.

BENDER: When it comes to picking up the opposite sex, I always COME PREPARED, Fry.

A few minutes later...

Fry and Bender walk up to the fembots with the robo-puppy on a leash. Bender points to one of the dogs. It has a large black and white body, the head of a poodle, and a pair of antlers.

BENDER: That's a beautiful breed you've got there. What kind is it?

FEMBOT: A PANDOODLELK. Only three breeders in the ENTIRE universe sell them. Your little guy is adorable, too. What's his name?

BENDER: Thwunk.

FEMBOT: "Thwunk"? What kind of name is THAT?

The robo-puppy flies up and sticks to the fembot's head with a loud 'thwunk'.

BENDER: The kind that mimics the sound his magnetized body makes when you get TOO CLOSE and get STUCK to it!

FRY: Now THAT'S a chick magnet!

Meanwhile, nearby...

Leela is following Nibbler through thickening brush.

LEELA: C'mon, Nibbler, just pick a spot and DO IT already!

NIBBLER: WIIHM! EE-EE-EEIM!

Nibbler stops in front of a large bush.

LEELA: Oh what... NOW you want privacy?!

Nibbler lunges into the bush and pulls the leash from Leela's hand.

LEELA: Nibbler, NAUGHTY! Come to mama RIGHT NOW!

NIBBLER: (from inside the bush) EIIH! EIIH! EIIH!

Leela walks into the overgrowth after him.

LEELA: Well, at least if you do your business in the bushes, I can just LEAVE it there...

A large pair of hands come out of the bushes behind her, one holding a rag and the other holding a bottle of chloroform. The hand with the rag covers her face.

LEELA: Mmmph! Mrrrmmph!

The person attached to the hands steps out of the bushes and stands next to the unconscious Leela. They now have a large bag.

VOICE: Time to take a little ride, MUTANT.

Nibbler is nearby, standing under a bugalo that's hanging from a tree with his jaw open wide.

NIBBLER: Eirrm?

A moment later...

The bugalo is gone and Nibbler belches loudly.

And a moment after that...

Bender is holding up a stein to the cask hanging from the giant St. Bernard's neck when Nibbler runs up. Fry is in the background playing fetch with the Pandoodlelk.

NIBBLER: WIEEM! WIEEM! WIEEM!

BENDER: C'mon, mutt... all I'm asking for is ONE LOUSY PINT...

Bender looks down and shakes his hand at Nibbler, who is pointing toward the bushes.

BENDER: Scram, Nibbler! Go drop your dark matter on somebody ELSE'S shoe!

FRY: I think he's trying to TELL us something, Bender...

BENDER: To POP AND LOCK?!

FRY: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it probably has something to do with LEELA.

A large, hooded figure with a sack over their shoulder passes behind them, unnoticed.

FRY: (glances at the parking lot) Maybe she finally found a date and just left us with the ship?

BENDER: There ARE quite a few desperate-looking suckers here...

Nibbler continues to hop frantically, now pointing at the kidnapper.

NIBBLER: WIEEM! WIEEM! WIEEM!

FRY: I'm gonna take one last look around for her to be sure.

BENDER: And while you're wasting your time with that, I'll call a tow ship to get us home.

Bender opens his chest and presses a keypad inside the door. His antenna lights up red.

Later that day...

Hermes, Bender, Fry, and the Professor are outside Planet Express, the ship hooked up to Sal's tow truck.

HERMES: SWEET PRAWN OF AZERBAIJAN! Where's Leela?!

PROFESSOR: And who gave you nitwits the AUTHORITY to have the delivery ship towed home?

BENDER: Leela left the pet park to hook up with some chump. Sister's gotta get some action when she can... am I right, Hermes?

FRY: What are we supposed to do... just sit and wait for her to come back?

HERMES: (puts his arm around Fry) I'll let you in on a secret... the ship is programmed to return to Earth if anything ever happens to Leela... which it WOULD have done in 24 hours if you idiots had WAITED!!

PROFESSOR: HORRIBLE NEWS, everyone! This towing bill is giving me a HEART ATTACK!

SAL: Yeah, that's the USUALS reaction...

PROFESSOR: Off I go...

He makes a choking noise and puts his hand on his chest, falling backward.

Bender pulls two paddles out of his chest.

BENDER: Hermes, pull up his shirt and STAND BACK! *he bends over* CLEAR!!!

Bender zaps the Professor.

SAL: So if I could just gets a check or major credits card from one o' yous...

Later, Hermes, Fry, Bender, Nibbler, and the Professor are at the conference table. The Professor has thin whisps of smoke coming from his body.

HERMES: ... So in summation, thanks to your FOOLISH SHENANIGANS, we have no choice but to let you BOTH GO!

FRY: But we thought we were doing the RIGHT THING!

BENDER: And didn't I just save Wrinkly McCodger's LIFE?!

HERMES: Yes, but you also spent MONEY that Planet Express doesn't have AND left us without a pilot!

Hermes grabs the Professor's hand and leads him out.

HERMES: So until Leela returns, we're SUSPENDING ALL OPERATIONS immediately!

PROFESSOR: (weakly) My sweet aorta... so VERY TENDER...

HERMES: And don't think you AREN'T paying that towing bill! You have ONE WEEK to do so, or you both won't have jobs to RETURN to!

Fry points at Nibbler, who is sitting on top of the table cleaning himself.

FRY: Wait... what are we supposed to do with NIBBLER?!

HERMES: He's YOUR problem now!

The next morning...

Bender and Fry are in their apartment. Bender has on a showercap and a towel while Fry sits on the couch in a shirt and his boxers with a newspaper and the news on the tv.

BENDER: (yawns) Mornin', meatbag. Where's Nibbler?

FRY: I put him out on the balcony to do his business.

LINDA: (onscreen) ... terror rains from the sky this morning as DARK MATTER falls on commuters like TINY LETHAL STINKBOMBS!

BENDER: Good work. I'm gonna hit the loo. Can I have the comics? Can't start my day without my "SPACE MARMADUKE" fix!

Bender gets a cigar and a lighter.

BENDER: Hey, what's got you acting like you can READ all of a sudden?

FRY: We need JOBS if we're going to pay the Professor back AND keep our jobs at Planet Express.

BENDER: You know, I was think about that...

FRY: You WERE?!

Bender shoves Fry.

BENDER: Nah, just messin' around with you! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

FRY: I hate to say this, but if Leela DOESN'T come home, we need to think about selling Nibbler to someone who will actually LOVE him.

Nibbler gapes.

BENDER: That way we can pay our bill AND get some other sucker to pick up his droppings! Turn to the "pets-for-sale" section, and let's see how much people SHELL OUT for his kind!

FRY: (gasps) Do you SEE that, Bender?

BENDER: How could I miss something so HORRIFYING, Fry? *he points at the paper* LABRA-CHIHUA-BEAGLES now cost MORE than black market human newborns! This is an OUTRAGE!

Fry points to a different picture.

FRY: Not THAT, dumb-bot! THIS!

In the listing of pets, there's a picture of Leela in a cage. Above the picture is 'Purebred mutant needs happy home. Loves children and chasing balls. Sheds slightly. Please call (21)(554)454-671 to arrange a visit!'

FRY: It's LEELA! Someone is selling her as a PET!

Bender takes the paper.

FRY: We have to find and SAVE HER, Bender!

BENDER: HA HA HA! Oh, space Marmaduke, that satellite isn't a FIRE HYDRANT!

VOICE: If anyone can SAVE LEELA, it is I!

Fry and Bender turn to the now broken window and see Nibbler standing there.

FRY: NIBBLER?! You can TALK?!

NIBBLER: Yes, a skill I have revealed to you on many occasions and always erase from your mind after I have SAVED MANKIND!

BENDER: He is going to make us SO MUCH MONEY...

NIBBLER: There is no time to WASTE! We must find Leela before she's sold and lost FOREVER! I know the prefix of the seller's number. It belongs to the inhabitants of WESTMINSTERIA...

Nibbler's third eye begins to glow yellow.

NIBBLER: ... Mysterious yet competitive beings whose raison d'etre is to primp their pets to win universal GROOMING COMPETITIONS!

He heads for the broken window.

NIBBLER: Now, follow me as I will need your help if I am to SAVE HER.

BENDER: Fry, do you hear THAT? The more he talks, the more I hear MONEY COMING IN!

FRY: That's the CASH REGISTER-TESTING FACILITY on the first floor of our building, Bender.

They all end up on the balcony outside the window.

FRY: So WHAT'S UP with the third eye?

NIBBLER: I use it to summon my might spaceship... BEHOLD!

Nibbler's ship floats up, glowing the same yellow as his eye.

NIBBLER: Take a seat, we haven't a moment to LOSE!

FRY: I don't know. They said on the news that DARK MATTER was falling from the sky...

NIBBLER: Errr... that's OVER. Now, HURRY!

A moment later...

Nibbler is in the pilot's seat in his ship. Fry is crammed behind him and Bender's foot is just over Nibbler's shoulder.

NIBBLER: Hold tight, Leela! WE'RE COMING!!!

Meanwhile, somewhere on the other side of the galaxy...

LEELA: *groggy* Ohh... wh-what happened...?

She gets up and looks around. She's in a small room with a air vent in one wall and another wall made of glass. Next to her is a tray of food that looks like it came from a fancy hotel.

LEELA: What the--?! A STEAK DINNER with a vintage bottle of PINOT NOIR?? Where AM I?

VOICE: (from the vent) You're in a PET SHOP on planet WESTMINSTERIA.

Leela looks out the glass, seeing to huge, fanged, human-like aliens.

LEELA: PET SHOP?! But I'm NOT an animal. I'm an Earthling!

VOICE: Correction... you're a MUTANT who happens to LIVE on Earth. And to these people, that's a valuable DOMESTICATED BREED.

On the other side of the vent is a tired-looking Neptunian.

LEELA: (through vent) "Breed"? You make it sound like I'll be bought, put on a leash, and taken home to keep someone's LAP WARM!

NEPTUNIAN: If only it were that SIMPLE...

Leela watches an alien child tapping the glass of her cage.

NEPTUNIAN: (through vent) Someone will soon buy and train you to be in Westminsteria's ANNUAL PET SHOW. It's the BE ALL AND END ALL EVENT for these beings, and the competition is DEADLY SERIOUS.

LEELA: But how did this happen? How did I end up HERE?

The kid keeps tapping on the glass. Around Leela are more cages with different species. Above her are a hyperchicken and a buggallo and below her are a group of young Omicronians and an alien that looks like Morbo.

MORBO-LIKE ALIEN: The Westminsterians send BLACK MARKET PET TRADERS all over the universe to find the MOST EXOTIC creatures.

HYPERCHICKEN: They kidnap and bring us here 'cause the more unique-lookin' YOU are, the better THEIR chances of winnin' the pet show!

NEPTUNIAN: And with YOUR pedigree, you'll be sold before the END OF THE DAY, mutant lady. So EAT UP. Starving yourself won't change the fact that you'll soon belong to one of THEM.

Leela begins to search the walls of her cage.

LEELA: We can't just SIT HERE and let them do whatever they WANT to us! We need to find a WAY OUT!

MORBO-LIKE ALIEN: Sorry, but if all I have to do is eat, sleep, and daydream about the annihilation of all humankind, then SIGN ME UP!

HYPERCHICKEN: I could get used to it... BA-KAAAW!

NEPTUNIAN: Sounds like the LIFE to me.

LEELA: But we can't ROLL OVER AND PLAY DEAD!

NEPTUNIAN: If that's what my new owner TRAINS me to do, I've got NO PROBLEM with it.

Leela picks up the knife and fork that were on the dinner tray as a reddish gas hisses into her cage.

LEELA: Well NOT ME! I'm not going down without a fi-- *drowzily* ...iiggghh...

She passes out and a large hand reaches in for her.

ALIEN: GOOD GIRL.

As she's lifted up, her wrist-com flashes green.

VOICE: Excellent! I've found Leela's EXACT LOCATION!

Nibbler's ship lands in a parking lot. The hatch opens and he jumps out, while Fry and Bender fall to the ground.

NIBBLER: ... She's somewhere INSIDE this shopping mall!

FRY: How do you know FOR SURE?

NIBBLER: I planted a TRACKING CHIP inside her wrist thingy for just such emergencies. Using my third eye, I honed in on the chip and followed its signal HERE!

BENDER: (whispers) He's like a DIAPER-WEARING GOLD MINE!

NIBBLER: This is where I need YOUR help! In order to move freely among the Westminsterians, one of us has to LOOK like them! Using my SUPERIOR POWER, I will alter their minds so that FRY looks like one of them.

FRY: Why not just change your own appearance and save her YOURSELF?

NIBBLER: I need my energy to control their minds, so I must stay in one place with complete focus on the task at hand.

FRY: Why can't I just look like myself?

NIBBLER: The Westminsterians would capture you to sell as a pet, too. My guess is they took Leela at the park because her breed is more rare, therefore more VALUABLE.

There is a loud 'KLANK' and Fry and Nibbler turn to see Bender on the floor.

NIBBLER: What happened to Bender??

FRY: Eh, he's fine. He goes into SLEEP MODE whenever there's TOO MUCH EXPOSITION.

Fry and Bender enter the mall, with Fry's appearance changing as soon as they're inside. He has fangs, large hands and claws, a thin tail, and is over twice his normal height.

FRY: Okay, according to Nibbler's calculations, Leela's tracking chip is inside...

They stop in front of 'Vorglord's Pet Supply & Sausage Shop'. The window reads "Whether you buy a pet or buy a sausage, an animal is going home with you!"

FRY: ...THIS STORE.

They go inside and see rows of cages set into a wall. The center container is empty.

FRY: Leela's not here!

BENDER: Too bad. We tried. Let's go home.

FRY: (points) C'mon Bender, let's check the back room. Maybe they're giving Leela a BATH or something.

Inside the small room, there's a few cleaning supplies and a mop. In the middle of the floor is a pile of Leela's clothes.

FRY: Hey, there's Leela's wrist thingy! Someone must have BOUGHT HER!

BENDER: Great, can we go now?

A moment later...

Fry is at the front counter talking to a female alien that runs the shop. She has purple clothes and a pink bow on the end of her tail.

ALIEN: ...Omg, we TOTALLY had the breed you're looking for, but we sold her just a few minutes ago.

FRY: OH NO! Sold her to WHO?!

ALIEN: Like, how would I know? They were pretty desperate though, seeing as how the pet show is TOMORROW and all.

FRY: What the SHIZ?! The show's TOMORROW?!?

A moment later...

Bender and Fry, who looks normal again, are back with Nibbler, who has moved his ship to some bushes to hide it.

NIBBLER: If they just sold her, there's a chance Leela MIGHT STILL BE HERE! I don't have much strength left to veil your appearance, Fry. You must find her QUICKLY!

Fry looks towards the parking lot.

FRY: How the heck are we going to do THAT? There are TOO MANY SHIPS!

From not far away, they hear Leela yelling.

BENDER: Follow those KUNG-FU FIGHTING CRIES!

Fry has his appearance changed again as he runs up to a family of aliens. A little boy is on the floor crying with his mother kneeling over him. A busted cage in near the father's feet.

FRY: What happened?

FATHER: We bought a mutant for Billy, but she FOUGHT her way out of her cage!

BENDER: Which way did she go?!

The mother points to a trail of aliens on the floor.

MOTHER: I'm pretty sure it was THAT WAY!

FRY: C'mon, Bender, we have to find her before someone ELSE catches her!

A few minutes later...

Fry and Bender are looking through plants.

FRY: The trail of butt-kicked aliens ends here, Bender. Where did she go?

VOICE: Psst! Bender... LOOK UP!

They both look up and see Leela naked and sitting on a tree branch.

BENDER: (covers his eyes) OH LORDY! Leela, I can see your LOGIC BOARD!

LEELA: What's going on, Bender? Why are you with one of THEM?!

BENDER: Chillax, it's just Fry. Nibbler changed his look so we could look for you without getting caught!

LEELA: NIBBLER?! But he's just a DUMB ANIMAL! Now stop FOOLING AROUND,and let's get out of here!

A group of aliens come through the bushes while Fry stares and drools.

ALIEN #1: THERE she is... in that tree!

ALIEN #2: Good citizen, don't let her GET AWAY!

Fry's disguise drops and he continues to drool, unaware.

ALIEN #3: LOOK! He isn't one of us AT ALL! He's... he's...

ALIEN #2: An EARTHLING!

BENDER: Aw CRAP! Nibbler must've finally TUCKERED OUT!

ALIEN #2: Well, well... looks like we've got THREE new pets for the price of one...

BENDER: WAIT! What if we had a purebred NIBBLONIAN who can speak and fly a spaceship and all sorts of NEATO TRICKS? C'mon, guys, I'll but you a deal... the "KILL THEM BUT LET ME LIVE" rate!

ALIEN #2: Don't you think if there was an actual Nibblonian on our planet, we'd ALREADY know about it?!

VOICE: On the contrary...

Nibbler flies up to the tree in his ship.

NIBBLER: ...You Westminsterians wouldn't know a Nibblonian if he flew over your heads in his MIGHTY SPACESHIP!

LEELA: NIBBLER?!? You can TALK??

She reaches out with her leg and pokes Nibbler's ship with her toe.

LEELA: And how CUTE is this adorable little ship of yours!

NIBBLER: (sighs loudly) You say that EVERY TIME, and YES, it is SUPREMELY ADORABLE! Now can we proceed with our ESCAPE?! *looks down* Bender, reach up AND HOLD ON TIGHT!

Leela jumps into the ship and Bender grabs a wheel before the ship hovers higher. An alien grabs a still dumbstruck Fry.

LEELA: Nibbler, we can't leave Fry behind! DO SOMETHING!

ALIEN #2: They're getting away!!

ALIEN #4: Perhaps, but we still have the Earth male for the pet show. He'll be SURE to take home the top prize!

NIBBLER: Bender, take my leash and throw it down for Fry!

BENDER: If by "throw" you mean...

Bender whips the leash down and the end wraps around Fry's neck.

BENDER: Peep show's OVER, meatbag! Time to go home!

FRY: Glagk!

One long expository ride across the galaxy later...

Nibbler's ship is parked outside Planet Express. Fry is climbing out weakly while Bender puts his head back on. Leela now has Fry's unzipped jacket on.

NIBBLER: ...And THAT is how we were able to save you from a life of DEGRADING SERVITUDE!

LEELA: That story is so precious. It makes me want to squeeze the STUFFING out of your CUTESY-WOOTSY BELLY!

Fry stretches out his arms while Leela scratches Nibbler's head.

FRY: Well, now that we know you're a talking, heroic superior being, there's no way you can go back to just being Leela's pet...

NIBBLER: I know you have many questions, all which will be answered after you stare into my THIRD EYE!

His third eye begins to glow orange.

FRY: Wait! I feel like we've done THIS before, too...

Hermes and the Professor come out of the building.

HERMES: Whatcha doin' just standin' around, you raggedy bunch of SLACK-ADDICTS?!

PROFESSOR: And for the love of ZOMBIE JESUS, Leela... just because you're EASY, don't ANNOUNCE IT to the world!

FRY: Umm... why ARE you naked, Leela?

LEELA: I don't know... I don't remember ANYTHING since we stopped at the pet park!

HERMES: Enough JIBBER-JABBER! Get back to work! We have deliveries PILING UP!

PROFESSOR: Speaking of CLUELESS EMPLOYEES, Hermes... any word about ZOIDBERG'S whereabouts?

HERMES: Nope. There's THREE DAYS now he's been missing. Three GLORIOUS days...

Back on Westminsteria...

Zoidberg is in a cage in the pet shop, finishing his meal.

ZOIDBER: (slurps) Hello PROSPECTIVE families! Dr. Zoidberg is ready to be SUBJUGATED to your every whim and desire!

The End.


(EXTRA) Captain Zapp Brannigan in Rank Call!

ERIC ROGERS - SCRIPT

MIKE KAZALEH - PENCILS

PHYLLIS NOVIN – INKS

NATHAN HAMILL - COLORS

KAREN BATES - LETTERS

BILL MORRISON - EDITOR


Zapp and some Doop soldiers are on their knees surrounded by pink aliens with rifles. The Nimbus is in the background.

ALIEN: It seems the mighty Doop army isn't so mighty after all! Now we will take you as our prisoners to work in a factory that produces sterilizing hand soap!

Kif walks down the gangway with a tissue in one hand and a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

KIF: (sniffs) Excuse me, sir..?

ZAPP: Kif, I told you to stay in the sick bay. I can't afford to have you spreading your diseases to the other men!

ALIEN: Sorry, Captain Brannigan, but your "secret weapon" is coming with us!

KIF: Ah... ahh... AAHHHH...

Kif violently sneezes on the approaching alien. He staggers toward one of his comrades.

ALIEN: Grimlorg, quickly cleanse the disease from me with hand sanitizer!

GRIMLORG: NO WAY! I'm not touching you!

The group of alien soldiers runs screaming from the snot-covered alien.

Zapp puts his arm around Kif's shoulders.

ZAPP: Kif, you knew EXACTLY what to do! I'm putting you up for a COMMENDATION when we get home!

KIF: (wipes his nose) Does it come with a box of tissues?

Later, Zapp and Kif are standing in front of a group of Doop officials.

GLAB: ...And so Lieutenant Kroker, as reward for your heroism in defeating the Disambiguatons of OCD-4, we are promoting you to the rank of CAPTAIN!

ZAPP: WHAT?! All he did was SNEEZE on them! That's not worth more than a patch on his uniform or free dessert in the mess hall!

GLAB: On the contrary, Captain, his actions saved more of your men's lives today than anything you have EVER done.

Zapp throws up his hands and walks away.

ZAPP: Fine, give him his own platoon and ship. I need a VACATION anyway.

Glab shakes Kif's hand.

GLAB: Congratulations, CAPTAIN Kroker.

KIF: Thank you, Commander Glab. I'm looking forward to ushering in a NEW ERA of peacekeeping.

Later on, Glab and Kif are standing in front of a few men in Doop uniforms.

GLAB: Here are the newly enlisted privates who will make up YOUR battalion, Captain.

KIF: What's wrong with those men over there?

A row of people is being led off the grounds at pistol-point. In the line are Calculon, Wernstrom, Zoidberg, Igner, and Randy.

GLAB: I'm sorry... they were rejected.

KIF: Why? They seem as ready, willing, and able as the others.

He waves to the group.

KIF: You men, WAIT! Serve under me, and together we will spread the DOOP-OCRACY throughout the universe!

GLAB: But... but... you can't do that!

KIF: Why did they tell you to leave?

CALCULON: I guess being an actor researching his role in an upcoming war epic isn't a good enough reason to enlist!

WERNSTROM: I was told I have flat feet... and I can't see.

ZOIDBERG: I ate my enlistment papers.

RANDY: Don't ASK, don't TELL!

KIF: A CAN-DO ATTITUDE and a modicum of respect is all I ask. If that sounds good to you... TEN-HUT! FALL IN, soldiers!

A few days later...

Kif and his new troops are in front of a small ship. 'The Hug Shuttle' is written on the side.

KIF: Men, what do you think of our new ship? I got a great deal on it at Malfunctioning Eddie's military surplus emporium.

WERNSTROM: "The Hug Shuttle"!

KIF: When the enemy sees us coming, they'll know EXACTLY what we're all about.

RANDY: Hang a DISCO BALL from the rearview mirror and it will be T-MINUS-PAR-TAAAAY TIME!

Kif's watch beeps and he looks down at the small screen.

GLAB: (on screen) Captain Kroker, we're deploying your men to the intergalactic phone directory headquarters on PLANET YELOPAGEZ... It's being raided by a terrorist group from TELEMARKETUS-9!

KIF: Is there any time to wash our ship first?

GLAB: GO NOW!

Kif sighs.

An hour later, on planet Yelopagez...

The group is next to a wall, surrounded by exploding rounds.

ZOIDBERG: Captain, we're getting our tuchuses handed to us on a seashell... what do we DO?!

KIF: Errm... maybe we should... no, better yet... let me thing... oh my... well...

Wernstrom, Kif, and Calculon cover their ears.

WERNSTROM: AHHH! The Telemarketi are jamming our frequencies with unlisted sales calls!

KIF: RETREAT! We must retreat!

CALCULON: They have us pinned down with our backs to the wall! We CAN'T retreat!

A large shadow blots out all the men.

RANDY: Oh great, now what's THIS hot tranny mess coming at us from the sky?!

They look up and see the thing casting the shadow is the Nimus.

KIF: It's the DOOP! We're SAVED!

WERNSTROM: Um... aren't WE the Doop?

ZAPP: (over the ship intercom) ALIEN SCUM! Put down your weapons and retreat, or we will drop OUR STEAMING LOAD OF DEATH all over you!

A little later...

The Nimbus is landed and the men are all shaking hands.

ZAPP: Well, old friend, I guess you're just not cut out for captain duty.

KIF: (sighs) You're right. It never looked that HARD when you were putting all of OUR lives at risk.

ZAPP: When it comes to sacrificing soldiers, there's no one better.

He hands Kif a pink paper.

ZAPP: Here's your new assignment, Kif... effectively immediately.

KIF: Am I back to serving as your LIEUTENANT, sir?

ZAPP: NEGATRONIC. Kif, meet my NEW lieutenant, Randy, whom you will be serving UNDER. If you want your old job back. you'll learn to give inner thigh massages like RANDY does! Get the men on the ship. I'm just going to make a call to Glab, then we go!

A moment later...

Zapp is behind the corner of a building with a Telemarketi alien holding a folder.

ZAPP: Here are all the unlisted numbers for the residents of Earth, as we AGREED! Excellent work again, making Kif look like an overwhelmed, indecisive pansy!

TELEMARKETI: Always a pleasure doing business with you, captain.

The End

Buddies