Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #56: Do You Want Fry With That?
Transcribed by Umbreon

IAN BOOTHBY – SCRIPT

MIKE KAZALEH – PENCILS

MIKE ROTE - INKS

ALAN HELLARD – COLORS

KAREN BATES – LETTERS

BILL MORRISON - EDITOR


Zoidberg is floating inside a huge lobster tank with a few other normal-looking lobsters. Fry is standing outside pointing at him.

ZOIDBERG: No! PLEASE! Pick someone else!

FRY: Dr. Zoidberg, you were supposed to be feeding these space lobsters we're delivering to the SEAPLANET AQUARIUM AND WATERSLIDE PARK!

ZOIDBERG: (climbs out of the tank) I WAS, but I started talking to this nice lady and lost track of time...

A lobster with blonde hair points at Zoidberg.

LOBSTER: He ate all the food himself!

ZOIDBERG: (burps) Madam, I am shocked by this accusation!

A large purple squid in a crate points a tentacle at Fry.

SQUID: Listen, I'm not one to complain, but this isn't a comfortable way to travel.

FRY: You should be in a large glass tank!

LOBSTER: (points again) HE was telling me how he just got a new tank in HIS CABIN!

ZOIDBERG: I couldn't resist! It had a little castle in it!

Zoidberg and Fry walk onto the bridge where Bender is standing next to Leela's seat.

ZOIDBERG: Fry, you have to understand I'm a scavenger by nature! When I see something I have to take it! Food, shelter... your toothbrush!

FRY: I ask you to do one simple thing, and you don't listen. No one ever listens to me. One day I...

BENDER: Hey, Fry, shut up and settle an argument for us!

FRY: What up?

Leela points out the window at a blue and green planet.

LEELA: The planet in front of us. It's clearly Earth, right? I can see it with my own eye!

BENDER: (points to his antenna) And as the ship's navigator, I'm telling you that my galactic positioning system says we're light years away from Earth!

LEELA: Your circuits must be fried!

Bender snaps two of his fingers together like a pair of scissors.

BENDER: Just like your split ends, sister!

Fry walks over to a console.

FRY: Okay, okay, looks like it's time for FRY to take over! I'm just going to open a hailing frequency between us and Earth, and we'll ask for ourselves.

He hits a button as Leela runs over.

LEELA: Fry, NO!

FRY: That wasn't the hailing button?

LEELA: No, it was the ANTI-ASTEROID MISSILE LAUNCHER!

FRY: Ooops!

The planet explodes, with large chunks flying into space in all directions.

ZOIDBERG: NOOOO... not Earth! All my scavengings are there!

One month later, at the Democratic Order of Planets' courtroom for intergalactic crimes...

Fry is standing before and alien judge, wearing a orange DOOP jumpsuit and handcuffs. The Planet Express crew are seated behind him.

JUDGE: Philip J. Fry, you are aware of the charges against you in this court?

FRY: I blew up the Earth, and I'll take whatever punishment you give me. I'm so, so sorry, your honor.

JUDGE: Destroyed the Earth? No! No! You blew up an Earth-themed restaurant called EARTHIES! There are dozens of them! The one you destroyed was under construction. No one was working at the time.

Fry looks back angrily at Leela and Bender.

FRY: Why didn't you tell me this when you visited me in prison?

LEELA: I thought BENDER told you!

BENDER: I thought LEELA did. Ha! You thought you killed billions of people? That's funny!

FRY: So, I can go?

JUDGE: No, you're being sued by the owner of Earthies, the restaurant chain is so large, the company qualifies as its own galaxy, and so crimes against it fall under Doop jurisdiction. May I present the president of Earthies, King Wendell Colonel Clown the Third!

A man wearing a white suit, crown, and yellow gloves walks in, clown makeup on his face and his red hair in pigtails.

WENDELL: Good morning, your honor. I hope your day is as pleasant as a happy bucket meal combo.

FRY: I'm really sorry. I'd like to pay for the damages, but I work for slave wages!

PROFESSOR: Slave wages? Who RAISED his salary?

WENDELL: Never let it be said that I'm not a fair man slash corporate logo. You and the other members of your crew can work off the damages in one of my restaurants!

Bender walks into the room holding his phone.

BENDER: Sorry, I was on the phone with my bookie. Did I miss us getting boned?

LEELA: No, it's happening right now!

WENDELL: According to my calculations, you and your friends will be able to work off your debt in three generations. Report to work on Monday and try to start having children as soon as possible.

Monday...

A sign with 'Earthies restaurant' hangs in the orbit of a blue and green planet.

VOICE: Welcome to Earthies, the Earthiest place in the universe!

Fry, Leela, Bender, and Zoidberg are wearing yellow and red uniforms and standing in a castle-themed restaurant. There's a robot next to them.

FRY: Are you here to train us?

ROBOT: No, I'm just here to turn on the training video. Enjoy!

He clicks a remote and the tv turns on, showing a video of Wendell.

WENDELL: Hello, and welcome to the Earthies training video. Now turn off this television and get to work!

The video shuts off.

BENDER: I like his style.

FRY: Wait, how big is this restaurant?

ROBOT: The same size as the real Earth. There's seating available on the whole planet. You orders will appear on the screen.

The 'order up' sign behind him lights up with 'cheeseburger Australia'.

LEELA: I assume this means someone wants a cheeseburger in Australia. How are we supposed to...?

Two small rockets slide out of the robot's sides.

ROBOT: Better get on that! Good luck!

Soon...

A green alien is seated at a table with a burger, a kangaroo bouncing behind him. Bender is standing next to the table soaking wet.

ALIEN: This burger is cold, wet, and salty!

BENDER: That's the Pacific Ocean for ya!

Along what looks like the Great Wall of China, there's an alien family eating.

GIRL: My onion rings taste funny!

MOTHER: That's because it was made by EARTH PEOPLE, and they're not as SMART as the rest of the universe!

LEELA: Hey! That's bigoted!

MOTHER: But it's your motto!

On the wall behind them is a poster for Earthies. It shows a man that looks like a farmer and reads 'Earthies the best food dumb humans can make.'

Back at the kitchen...

Fry is cooking as Zoidberg runs up behind him.

ZOIDBERG: Fry, we need three thousand cheeseburgers, two thousand fries, and four thousand large Slurms!

FRY: Okay, tell the customers it'll take about a week!

LEELA: (out of sight) Fry, this is impossible. We can't keep up this kind of pace!

FRY: (turns) Um, why are you dressed like that?

Leela is now wearing a pink dress with a light pink apron, a blue scarf around her neck, and her hair is curled.

LEELA: Oh, the people who come here think humans should dress this way. It's good for tips. So's calling them HON and SUGAR and telling them to KISS MY GRITS!

Bender walks up behind them wearing a shirt that says 'I ♥ some stupid sports team' and holding a wallet.

BENDER: I'm pandering for tips, too. Also, I steal their wallets.

FRY: The only thing I was good at as a pizza delivery boy was finding ways to get around the city quickly. I'm going to look around and see if I can find a rocket bike or something...

He walks into a room labeled 'control room' and rummages around.

FRY: Hey, guys, I found something that controls the rotation of the planet! On the count of three jump up! Then wait five seconds and jump again! Three!

Zoidberg, Leela, and Bender jump as everything blurs around them. Suddenly, they're in front of the Eiffel Tower. Two aliens sit at a table nearby.

LEELA: Where are we, sugar?

ALIEN: France. And where are my french fries?

They jump and everything blurs again. They're back in the kitchen. Zoidberg and Leela look dizzy.

BENDER: Cool! I think I punched a guy in Saskatchewan on the way back!

FRY: Yeah, that'll work!

A little later...

Leela walks up to Fry in the kitchen.

LEELA: The customers all have terrible motion sickness, but they're happy that their food is hot! How are you making so much of it so quickly?

Fry turns holding a tray. On it is a large burger and three smaller ones.

FRY: Turns out there's so much growth hormone in the food that it just grows new versions of itself! This cheeseburger just gave birth to these sliders! In a few minutes they'll have burgers of their own!

LEELA: Ewww! Is that healthy?

VOICE: HEALTH?! If people want that, they'll go to a hospital!

FRY: King Wendell!

WENDELL: Hello, Fry! I just wanted to come by and congratulate you on your innovation in food delivery. Most of my staff are dead from exhaustion by this point in their careers. It' so refreshing to see a CORPSE-FREE fast food restaurant!

FRY: Thanks!

WENDELL: As a reward I'm promoting you to manager!

FRY: Really? I've never been in charge of anything before.

Wendell runs towards a small ship shaped like a cheeseburger.

WENELL: Don't let me down, son!

FRY: (salutes) I won't, Mr. Colonel Clown, sir!

Fry smiles as the ship takes off.

BENDER: This is great! Being pals with the boss will make embezzling a lot easier!

ZOIDBERG: And free food for friends, maybe?

LEELA: I'm going to take a nap. My feet are killing me!

FRY: Oh no! For once in my life you're going to LISTEN to me!

He holds out two bags.

FRY: Bender, take these combos to Japan! Leela, refill the drinks in the Antarctic! Zoidberg, clean the bathrooms in Greece! NOW!

Later...

Bender walks into the kitchen wearing a 'I ♥ my hi def tv' shirt.

BENDER: Hey, meatbag!

FRY: Uh-unh!

BENDER: Sorry... MISTER meatbag!

FRY: That's better!

BENDER: Some of the customers don't like the songs we've got on the jukebox. Should I tell them to shove it or to cram it?

FRY: (holds out a card) Here's our company credit card! Go on the internet and buy some mp3s. Popular old Earth songs!

BENDER: Heh heh!

FRY: There's a fifty dollar limit on the card, so no running amok!

BENDER: Aw! I never get any AMOK TIME!

Bender's eyes go wavy.

CPU: Searching for wi-fi signal! Wi-fi found!

Bender is suddenly surrounded by neon colored ads, a few of them reading 'White teeth!', 'Reduce your debt', 'Find friends!', 'Meet singles!', and 'Top stocks.' Behind him is a cat playing a keyboard, a kid falling off a skateboard, and a large blue glove with exhaust coming from behind it like a rocket.

GLOVE: Accept poke?

Eventually, Bender gets to a door, which is opened by Mom.

MOM: Welcome to Momtunes, dearie!

BENDER: Thanks, ma!

Bender walks past a large group of people, shoving four men in bright costumes out of his way. A drum with 'Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band' printed on it is toppled over as well.

MAN: Hey!

MAN #2: Watch it!

BENDER: Coming through! Out of my way!

Next, he is underwater with a baby. There's a fishing line with a dollar on the hook, which Bender takes as he passes.

BABY: Hey!

BENDER: (glubs) It's like taking money from a baby!

Bender then passes a large prism with a light shining into it from the left. It's split into different colors on the right side.

BENDER: Whoa! Who turned off the lights?

After that, Bender passes a picture of an angel with packs of cigarettes in front of him. He steals one.

BENDER: Mind if I have a smoke?

Bender passes by what looks like a zeppelin that's caught on fire.

BENDER: Ooops!

Once he's done picking songs, he walks up to checkout holding a pile of albums.

BENDER: How much is all this junk I want to buy?!

MOM: Six hundred dollars before tax, dear!

Bender leaves and finds a penguin next to a set of railroad tracks.

BENDER: Which way to the illegal downloads?

PENGUIN: Just over there on the wrong side of the tracks!

Back at Earthies...

FRY: Zoidberg! Quit slacking! If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean!

Zoidberg has a rag and is wiping off a tabletop.

ZOIDBERG: I AM cleaning!

FRY: Well, if you've got one arm free, that's one claw goofing off! Clean two tables at once!

LEELA: Come on, Fry! We're doing our best!

FRY: DOING your best isn't BEING your best!

LEELA: You've let the power go to your head!

FRY: Oh, I get it! You want to take over as manager! Nice try!

He turns and points at Bender, who is still standing idle while he's on the internet.

FRY: And look at that lazy Bender! I mean, how long does it take to download fifty dollars worth of mp3s?

Meanwhile, in the net...

Bender is holding a pile of albums. Floating next to him is a blue bird wearing a trench coat, a hat, and sunglasses.

BENDER: And this is all good stuff?

BIRD: That's right, it's all the biggest hits from the biggest stars on Earth in one fantastic package for you to enjoy. Just kick back, relax and...

BENDER: And what?

BIRD: Sorry, I can only talk using one hundred and forty characters at a time. Just take it!

A person wearing a pink shirt and a black hat with their hair in dreadlocks walks up.

SINGER: Don't do this! When you illegally download music, you hurt the artist who made it! Do you really want to hurt me?

Bender shoves the artist out of the way.

BENDER: See ya!

SINGER: Get him, boys!

Other people begin to chase Bender. There's a blonde woman in a pointy bra, a man with tall hair in purple riding a motorcycle, a little kid with a guitar, a baby, and a man in black with shades.

BABY: He's the jerk who took my dollar!

MAN: Of course, you know this means war!

BENDER: Oh boy!

Back in the restaurant, Fry is flipping burgers.

FRY: Leela, they need two hundred hamburgers in Iceland! Zoidberg, fifty ice creams to Hamburg!

VOICE: Excuse me!

Fry turns and sees three people. One man is dressed like a cowboy with a very tall hat, one man is balding and wearing shades and a blue suit, and the third is a cat-like alien.

FRY: Sorry, no customers allowed in the kitchen. We're unhygienic enough already!

COWBOY: Oh, we're not customers! We're franchise restaurant owners! I'm Frank Tubesteak of THE HOT DOG SHACK. This is Flarg of FLARG'S SUSHI HUT and Stephen Jenkins of JENKINS' CANNIBAL TAKEOUT.

FLARG: We're your competition!

FRY: I'll never tell you what's in the secret sauce. Even if I DID know!

FRANK: We just wanted to congratulate you on revitalizing this Earthies! Your restaurant will be a great example to others in the franchise!

FRY: Oh, well thanks!

FRANK: And we can't have THAT! We want you to have an accident and burn this place to ashes!

FRY: I can't do that!

FRANK: We'll put the money in your bank account to pay King Wendell. You and your pals can go free!

FRY: But I've finally got the respect of my friends!

LEELA: They want a chicken sandwich combo in Spain, jerk!

ZOIDBERG: I hope you get barnacles on your underfin. And compliments from South Africa on that tuna melt!

The three franchise owners turn to leave.

FLARG: Then we're declaring a FRANCHISE WAR!

FRY: Oh well, a little competition is healthy!

FLARG: No, you don't understand. We have ships surrounding the restaurant, and we're going to destroy it!

Fry looks up. In the sky is filled with ships shaped like food. There's a hot dog, a pizza, fries, sushi, a taco, and a few donuts.

FRY: Uh-oh!

Back on the internet, Bender runs for a door with 'Log out' painted on it.

BENDER: Just have to make it to the log out, and I'll be safe!

A white brick wall springs up and Bender runs headlong into it. A few bricks fall out and a white screaming face appears in the hole.

FACE: All in all, you need to give back the music you stole!

BENDER: Never!

He turns and sees three animals in red, blue, and green shirts diving for him.

BENDER: AAAAH! Chipmunks!

VOICE: ALLLLLVIN! Go for the eyes!

Bender is picked up by a thin, zombie looking person with red sneakers, an orange shirt, and long wild blonde hair.

BENDER: Easy on the iron, pal!

Bender is suddenly on the floor, being beaten by a kid all in blue with a blue guitar, a man with black and white face paint, a woman in a pink dress with flowers, and a man in a blue band costume with a hammer.

BENDER: Ooof! Come on, guys! Give peace a chance!

BAND MAN: Right after a few hits from Maxwell's silver hammer!

Back in the restaurant, Fry has Leela and Zoidberg in the kitchen.

FRY: And so that's what's happening. We all need to come up with a way to save the restaurant!

LEELA: Oh, so now it's all "we," is it?

She picks up a sign that reads 'won't work for jerk!' and Zoidberg holds one that says 'on strike!'

LEELA: Sorry, Fry, you treated us like trash, and now we're on strike!

FRY: But you can't! I need you!

ZOIDBERG: What's in it for us?

FRY: You'll be killed otherwise!

ZOIDBERG: A good start... now sweeten the chowder!

FRY: FINE! I'll promote you both to co-managers with me!

LEELA: We're all equal? Then you've got a deal!

ZOIDBERG: A co-manager! My mother would be so proud!

There is a loud 'BOOM!' and Fry turns to the now working tv.

FRY: What was that?

FRANK: (on screen) We tested out our weapons on Australia. It's at the bottom of the sea now. We'll get to the rest in ten minutes!

FRY: We'll need Bender, too! I'm cutting off his wi-fi signal and bringing him back!

Fry slaps the back of Bender's head, sending his signal into static.

On the internet, Bender is being held down by the chipmunks, the angel whose cigarettes he stole, a woman in pink and white, and a giant blue gorrila. The man on the purple bike has just come off a ramp and is heading for Bender.

MAN: Die, thief! In a purple rain of blood!

BENDER: I regret nothing! Except watching "Under The Cherry Moon"!

Bender disappears with a 'pop' and the bike lands on the group of people.

BENDER: (now conscious) Fry! Thanks for bringing me back! It was horrible in there!

FRY: Let me tell you what's going on...

Ten seconds later...

BENDER: Send me back! It's WORSE out here!

FRY: Oh, come on!

BENDER: No! You... got yourself into... cluster... not helping! Kiss my...

LEELA: Bender's stalling! He must have picked up some bad viruses online.

FRY: That gives me an idea of a movie to steal an idea from!

Fry turns back to the tv where Frank is onscreen again.

FRANK: This is the end, Fry. Any last meal requests? We have a special on chili cheese dogs!

FRY: Sure, let me send our order to you through Bender's wi-gi signal!

On a ship, Frank and Flarg watch Fry on screen.

FRANK: You know, Flarg, while that's uploading, we should tell him...

FLARG: Why not?

FRY: Tell me what?

FRANK: (on screen) You didn't actually blow up that Earthies restaurant!

FLARG: (on screen) We had corrupt construction workers plant explosives all over the world. We were going to fake an accident the next day. Your little missile blew it up because it was already a powder keg.

FRY: You don't think King Wendell will let you get away with destroying his restaurant!

Wendell appears behind Flarg.

WENDELL: (on screen) Oh, I think he will!

Fry gasps.

WENDELL: I really did like your new ideas, Fry, but in the end I decided that the fastest way to turn a profit in this business is still to collect the insurance when one of my restaurants has an accident!

FRY: (on screen) You're in cahoots? What a super-sized scam!

BENDER: (on screen) I... *clicks* like... *whirs* it...

WENDELL: What's wrong with your robot?

FRY: (on screen) Oh, him? He's full of computer viruses! Like the ones we sent to your system and that are spreading to the other ships right now!

FRANK: King Wendell! The controls are as useless as a dollar meal salad!

Over the planet, the food-ships start spinning out of control.

VOICE: (in a hot dog ship) No! I can't lose! I want to have things MY way!

The ships explode into a yellow cloud, which forms a curvy 'M' in the sky.

FRY: Well, on the bright side, I've lived the American dream! Blowing up my boss!

And so...

The crew is back at Planet Express, sitting around the conference table. The Professor is standing next to Bender holding some kind of tool.

PROFESSOR: There you go, virus free! If you'd only stop running on a pc engine, this wouldn't happen!

BENDER: Never!

LEELA: So, everything worked out. Bender's clean, Fry way cleared of all charges...

ZOIDBERG: (holding a piece of paper) And Zoidberg has a fast food co-manager job on his resume!

AMY: You're already a doctor!

ZOIDBERG: But a job like this, I can be proud of!

FRY: Yeah, everything's great, but I kinda miss working at Earthies!

PROFESSOR: Then, good news, everyone! Fry still has to pay Planet Express back for the missile he fired!

FRY: (looks worried) Oh yeah? And how much is that?

PROFESSOR: One year's worth of kitchen duty! Brunch orders up, everyone!

LEELA: I'd like a veggie burger with extra bacon!

AMY: French toast with the crusts made into hearts!

ZOIDBERG: That stuff stuck to the lid of the trash can on wheat toast!

BENDER: A bowl of AC current! And don't forget to pick out all the DCs!

Fry stands at a flat top, flipping burgers and bacon.

CAPTION BOX: Thank you, come again!

Buddies