Bender cowers before a large shadow.
VOICE: Bender, I am your father!
BENDER: NOOOO! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
Bender shakes his arms at Fry.
BENDER: I'm a robot! We don't HAVE parents!
FRY: You do now!
Standing behind Fry are a fembot in maid outfit and a robot wearing a tie.
FRY: You know how you're always complaining about how humans get to have their own parents?
He points at Amy and Leela as they walk in, both of them on cell phones.
LEELA: For the last time, dad, I'll get married when I want to.
AMY: No, mom! I DON'T think I've gotten fatter since my last visit!
BENDER: (holds up a picture of Mom) Yeah, it's not fair, I've got my creator... Mom. But I've got to share her with every OTHER robot.
TINNY TIM: (reaches up) May I have the picture now?
FRY: Well, I talked to the Professor, and he built you these.
FATHER: It's true, son.
BENDER: I don't know. They don't really feel like parents.
MOTHER: Hold still! You've got something on your face.
She spits oil onto Bender's face and rubs it with a cloth.
BENDER: MOM! You're embarrassing me!
FATHER: Don't talk back to your mother!
BENDER: Wow! They ARE good!
Later that day...
The Professor is on the phone with Fry on the large screen next to the conference table. Behind Fry are Bender, his 'father', and an emu.
FATHER: No son of mine is keeping fighting emus in his apartment!
BENDER: But how will I pay for college? And by college I mean booze and floozies!
FRY: Hey, Professor, the robots your built are great!
PROFESSOR: Good. Maybe they'll finally teach Bender some discipline!
Amy runs in from the lounge.
AMY: Professor, come quickly!
PROFESSOR: It's been fifty years since I've done anything quickly!
Later, they are in a room filled with empty shelves.
PROFESSOR: Oh no! Someone robbed my DOOMSDAY DEVICE ROOM! All my world-shattering bombs... gone!
AMY: They were here an hour ago! Should we assume it's Bender?
PROFESSOR: No, he's been with his new parents for hours. I had spy cameras installed in both of them.
He suddenly points to a device on the wall.
PROFESSOR: Burglar alarm, why didn't you go off?
ALARM: I must have been looking the other way...
A dollar bill drifts down from the alarm.
PROFESSOR: (gasps) You were BRIBED!
The next day...
Bender walks into the living room of his and Fry's apartment. Fry is sitting at the table eating with Bender new mom and dad.
FATHER: Morning sport, your mother made waffles!
FRY: They're actually old circuit boards. They really cut up the roof of my mouth, but the blueberry syrup is great!
Bender sits and 'hrumph's.
MOTHER: What's wrong, son? You're not still angry we grounded you for a week?
BENDER: It's not fair! All I did was hold up a liquor store. All my friends were doing it.
FRY: Not me.
BENDER: All my COOL friends!
FATHER: (eyes glow) Let's go sit on the porch, son!
Bender and his father are sitting on the curb outside the building, with people walking past and kids playing catch in the street.
FATHER: Bender, I know this is all new to you, but your mother and I need to set rules.
BENDER: Which means I don't get to have any fun any more!
FATHER: Oh really?
Later, Bender and his father are wearing baseball mits and tossing a kid back and forth.
FATHER: Keep your eye on him, son. We don't want another one going down the sewer!
Back at Planet Express, the Professor and Amy are by the front door.
PROFESSOR: The thief erased the alarm's memory, so I'm going to have to question every nogoodnik I know!
AMY: If you're going to the bad part of town, can you pick me up some hot pants?
PROFESSOR: Yes, but only because I was going to do some shopping myself in the hot pants district.
The professor is standing in front of a small booth in the middle of the sidewalk.
ALIEN: Bad part of town tollbooth! Fifty cents, please!
PROFESSOR: Here you go!
VOICE: Fifty cents, please!
There is a gold robot tied up with his own arms sitting behind the alien in the booth.
PROFESSOR: I just gave him four bits!
ROBOT: He doesn't work here. He's just robbing me. Fifty cents, please!
The Robot Mafia is seated at a table in a restaurant.
DON BOT: This spaghetti carbonara is amazing!
WAITER: We use only the freshest carbon for you, Don Bot!
PROFESSOR: Don Bot! I've got some questions for you!
DON BOT: To what do I owe the pleasure of your rude interruption?
CLAMPS: You want I should clamp him, boss?
DON BOT: No, Clamps! I admire his boldness! And his old man smell is like parmesan. It goes very well with the meal!
PROFESSOR: Did you rob my bomb closet, Don Bot?
DON BOT: You see, now I feel insulted. Would you like a breadstick before I have my associates shoot you?
PROFESSOR: No, I'm on a gluten-free diet!
DON BOT: Nothing is more important than good health! Fire at will, boys!
Clamps and Joey Mousepad pull out tommy guns and shoot at the ceiling.
JOEY: We... can't!
PROFESSOR: I came in earlier and replaced the candles with Isaac Asimov rays! You now have to obey his laws of robotics! Law number one: you can't harm humans! Law number two: You must OBEY humans! Now where are my doomsday devices?
DON BOT: I swear on my sainted motherboard, I do not know!
CLAMPS/JOEY: Us neither!
PROFESSOR: Then I'm sorry to bother you, and please accept these coupons for a free dessert!
DON BOT: Hey, great! Now I can get the cannoli!
WAITER: Good choice! We use only the freshest oily cans!
Meanwhile and meanwhen...
Fry and Bender are heading for the front door of their apartment.
FATHER: And where do you think you're going at this hour?
BENDER: We're seeing that new movie, "Binary Blanket Bingo."
FRY: It's playing at the robot drive-in. I don't have an in-drive, but Bender says I can watch it on his.
MOTHER: That film's too racy, and it finishes too late on a work night!
Bender grabs the back of Fry's jacket and starts to drag him.
BENDER: No, mother is right, Fry! Let's call it an early night!
FRY: So, we're not really calling it an early night?
Bender is standing on the balcony outside the window with Fry on his shoulders.
FRY: Then I shouldn't be wearing my pajamas?
BENDER: What you really SHOULD be wearing is a PARACHUTE! No time to change now. Try to roll when we hit the ground!
Bender's father flies up the side of the building with a helicopter roater on his head.
FATHER: Going somewhere?
BENDER: (drops Fry) AAAAH!
Bender stands in the living room later, looking guilty.
FATHER: We're very disappointed in you, son. That's a full month you're grounded!
MOTHER: And no more spending time with that bad influence, Philip J. Fry!
BENDER: But... but...
MOTHER: The only "but" I want to hear is your ro-butt hitting that chair in the corner!
Bender's father clicks the lock on the window as Fry hangs from the balcony.
FRY: Um... little help?
Later, the Professor is standing in the Oval Office talking to Nixon's head.
NIXON: No, I didn't steal your bombs! How many times has Nixon got to say that he's not a crook!
The Professor holds out a hand-held lie detector.
PROFESSOR: According to my lie detector, this is the one time you've actually meant it.
A laser blasts and hits the bottom of Nixon's jar. It falls on the floor and smokes.
NIXON: For the last time, Cheney! Quit cleaning your guns in the Oval Office!
Cheney's head jar has little arms coming out the side of it that are holding a laser shotgun.
CHENEY: It's not my fault! The trigger's tricky, Dick!
The next morning...
Bender is having breakfast with his parents at the table.
FATHER: What's wrong, sport? You haven't touched your breakfast beer!
MOTHER: Would you prefer a hard cider? A screwdriver?
BENDER: No. I just have a lot on my mind.
FATHER: (holds up a bottle) You know what makes me forget my troubles? Booze!
BENDER: (gets up) I'll be in Fry's old room!
He goes out on the balcony and sighs.
VOICE: (from below) Hey, Bender!
BENDER: What the--?!
Fry is in a large owl nest on the ledge, sitting next to a large owl and four small chicks.
FRY: I fell into this owl's nest last night. The mom is trying to decide if she should feed me to her babies or make me their dad! She's a nice lady, but I just couldn't eat another mouse!
Fry holds up his arm and a hand grabs his wrist.
FRY: Now, let's ditch your parents and...
Fry is lifted up by Bender's father and smiles at both his parents. Bender facepalms.
FRY: Oh, hello, Mr. Bender. You're looking lovely today, Mrs. Bender. Is that a new coating of aluminum?
They pull Fry in and all of them stand in the living room.
FATHER: Son, you have to decide what's more important: having your parents around or your friend.
FRY: (crosses his arms) Ha! You tell 'em, Bender!
Fry is tossed out of the building and lands headfirst in a trashcan.
FRY: Yep, any time you want to tell 'em, buddy!
Later, at the office of Mom-Corp...
There's a personal gym set up in Mom's office. She's on a treadmill while the boys are behind her on different machines.
INGER: Mommy, I have a question!
MOM: If it's why I didn't put you all up for adoption, I ask myself the same thing every day!
WALT: Inger! Don't bother mother when she's working out! Not that she needs to! She's already perfect in every--
Mom triple-slaps them.
MOM: Don't worry about it! Slapping you all for asking stupid questions burns more calories than my butt blaster bench! What is it?
IGNER: Mommy, did you steal daddy's weapons of mass destruction?
MOM: My, Igner! That was quite a few multisyllabic words you strung together there! Good for you, son!
Mom reaches out and yanks, pulling an Igner mask off of the Professor.
MOM: Or should I say, HUBERT FARNSWORTH?!
Walt and Larry gasp. Igner walks into the room holding shoes in one hand and socks in the other.
IGNER: Mommy, I forgot what goes on first, socks or shoes!
The Inger mask falls in front of him and he picks it up.
IGNER: AAAAAH! My face fell off! *he runs around the room* AAAAAH!
PROFESSOR: You always loved my doomsday devices. I even gave you one on our first date!
MOM: How could I forget?
There's a flashback of the Professor and Mom in a restaurant. There's a doomsday device sitting in the middle of the table. Behind them are a Neptunian waiter and a young Elzar clearing tables.
MOM: And bring us another bottle of wine, or BAM!... no more planet!
WAITER: Yes, right away!
ELZAR: Bam! I like the sound of that!
In the present, Mom points at the Professor.
MOM: Since we broke up, all doomsday devices remind me of the time I wasted with you!
PROFESSOR: You left a black hole in my heart. AND in the Virgo Cluster when you finally set the device off.
MOM: Why are you asking me about your toys, anyway? You put tracking devices in all of them!
PROFESSOR: I did? I mean, I DID! Of course I remember that! I'm not some senile old fool!
He points at Igner.
PROFESSOR: Now, why am I dressed like that screaming man again?
IGNER: AAAAAAAAH! I promise I'll never play "got your nose" again!
Later, Bender is on the street talking to Fry.
BENDER: Hey, Fry, sorry about having to kick you out of the apartment!
FRY: Don't worry about me!
Bender points at the large box Fry is sitting in front of. On the side is a label says, 'Contents: one tardis.'
BENDER: You're living in a cardboard box!
FRY: Yeah, but check it out!
He steps into the box. Inside is a full living room with chairs and lights.
FRY: Really roomy on the inside.
FRY: Why don't you come in and hang our for a while before work?
BENDER: I can't. My parents wouldn't like it!
FRY: Bender, it's great to have family, but you're a grown robot!
BENDER: It's just... I've always wanted someone to say they were proud of me, and this seems like my only chance.
FRY: I'M proud of you!
BENDER: I mean someone who matters!
Meanwhile, in deeeeeep spaaaaaace...
The Planet Express ship is flying through a thick patch of asteroids.
PROFESSOR: (inside the ship) Yes, Leela, I'm getting a strong reading from this asteroid belt!
On the bridge, Leela sits in the pilot's seat and the Professor stands next to her holding a forked stick.
PROFESSOR: Yes, my devices should be nearby!
LEELA: Isn't that thing for finding water?
PROFESSOR: The first doomsday device I built was a WATER BOMB! It has the strongest signal of all of them! I was only four years old, and I held my pre-school hostage until our demands for graham crackers and no naps were met!
The ship lands on a large asteroid and the Professor walks out with his stick. Leela comes down the stairs behind him.
PROFESSOR: Good. The atmosphere seems to be breathable.
LEELA: We really should start checking that before we step outside of the ship.
They find a cave dug into the side of the asteroid, with the doomsday devices at the back.
PROFESSOR: My babies! My beautiful world-shattering inventions! Wait a minute. Some of these aren't MINE. They're sloppy and modern. Like some rebel youngster made them!
Wernstrom appears at the mouth of the cave holding a laser pistol.
WERNSTROM: Indeed! Greetings, Professor!
PROFESSOR: WERNSTROM! You stole my bombs? But why?
WERNSTROM: Now that I've added them to mine, I possess the greatest collection of apocalyptic weapons in the universe! THAT should impress Shirley!
LEELA: Who's SHIRLEY?
WERNSTROM: The new cashier at the university cafeteria. I want to talk to her, but I need an icebreaker!
PROFESSOR: You fool! Your shoddy bombs don't have adequate radiation shielding. You've come down with gamma madness!
WERNSTROM: I came to the same conclusion. Oh well, no reason not to laugh like a crazy person! BWAH HA HA!
Back on good ol' Earth...
Bender is in his small section of the apartment. A cage hanging from the ceiling holds a blue parrot.
BENDER: Come on, say "what up?"
Bender holds out a tiny red jacket and orange wig.
BENDER: And wear this wig and jacket!
FATHER: (walks in) Bender, are you training that bird to replace your friend?
BENDER: No, I'm going to cook him and feed him to... um... the poor.
PARROT: (squawks) What up? I'm your best friend! Did you steal my wallet again?
FATHER: We told you we didn't want that bad influence in your life.
BENDER: He's not a bad influence! He's GOOD! He's so good, some of it accidentally rubs off on me sometimes!
Bender marches out of 'his' apartment and into the living room.
BENDER: (downcast) And most of all, he liked me back when there wasn't anything to like. Fry's my friend, and he always WILL be, no matter what you say or do!
FATHER: Bender I... I...
Bender's parents move forward to hug him.
FATHER: I'm so proud of you!
MOTHER: Standing up to your parents is one of the hardest things any child has to do!
FATHER: Looks like our little robot is grown up!
MOTHER: Our function here is done. Commence system shut down!
The two robots sit on the couch and shut down.
BENDER: Mom? Dad?
A paper prints from Bender's dad's mouth that says, 'Certificate of Pride.' Bender takes the paper and his eyes tear up.
Back at the asteroid, Leela and the Professor have been tied to chairs.
WERNSTROM: Sorry I can't let you tell the authorities what I've done! You'll have to stay here forever!
PROFESSOR: Ha! You shouldn't even have ONE doomsday device! You'd never have the nerve to use it!
WERNSTROM: Oh, really?
LEELA: (whispers) Professor, he's crazy, remember?
WERNSTROM: You know, it'd be worth blowing up this section of space just to wipe that smug look off your face!
PROFESSOR: Just don't use the blue one! I beg of you!
LEELA: What part of gamma madness don't you understand?
WERNSTROM: Sorry, I don't take requests! Goodbye, Professor!
Wernstrom picks up a blue doomsday device and presses a button on the side. The other devices in the cave fizzle and hiss.
WERNSTROM: Where's the kaboom? There's supposed to be an EARTH-SHATTERING KABOOM!
PROFESSOR: The blue one was a doomsday device that just destroys the explosive elements of other doomsday devices.
There is a large crash of water and all three get soaked.
PROFESSOR: The only one it doesn't work on is my WATER BALLOON BOMB.
Leela tugs on the ropes and pulls her arms free.
LEELA: The water loosened the ropes. Do you mind if I...
PROFESSOR: ... kick him in the face? Heavens no! Have FUN!
Wernstrom ends up on the floor, missing a few teeth.
PROFESSOR: You know, this is a good excuse to start building a new doomsday device. Maybe with a disco ball and a shark fin on top. Of course, that's probably the gamma madness talking.
Speaking of home...
Bender and Fry are in their apartment and Fry is holding out a beer.
FRY: Hey, buddy, it's good to be back!
BENDER: You were lucky. I almost got a new roommate, but he flew away.
FRY: So, you miss having your parents around?
BENDER: (points to his phone) I did at first, but the Professor downloaded their personality chips into my cell phone!
FRY: So you can talk to them anytime?
BENDER: Yep, any time I want! It's great!
FRY: Have you yet?
They sit in silence for a few seconds, then Bender's phone rings. Fry picks it up.
FRY: It's your mom.
BENDER: Yeah, yeah, just turn the ringer off.
CAPTION BOX: The end. And now that you're done reading, would it kill you to call your mother? She worries.
(Extra) H.G. Blob in A Funny Feeling In My Tummy
H.G. Blob is in an emergency room with the chihuahua-like alien doctor.
DOCTOR: So... Mr. H.G. Blob, is it? What seems to be troubling you?
H.G. BLOB: I've got a rumbling in my stomach that just won't go away, doc.
DOCTOR: OH MY GORDITA, I know YOU! I saw you on the NEWS last night!...
Yesterday at 8:43 am...
A man pulling on his hair runs to the edge of the roof of a building.
MAN: GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD!
He jumps off the roof and falls right for Mr. Blob.
Yesterday at 2:45 pm...
Three pink blotched aliens run away from a bank holding bags of money. Smitty and URL are standing behind their car with their laser pistols drawn.
SMITTY: Stop, you dirty perps, or we'll shoot!
URL: Damn right, baby!
ALIEN: (turns to another robber) Show 'em how we respond to such indignities, Howie.
Howie pulls out a gun with a missile on the end and points it at the cops.
HOWIE: Ready... aim... DIE!
SMITTY: Get DOWN!
URL: SHUT YO' MOUTH!
The missile fires just as Mr. Blob is walking past the police car.
Yesterday, 6:15 pm
At a zoo, a lion is jumping free of it's cage.
ZOOKEEPER: Everybody RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! The lion is LOOSE!
The lion spots a small boy and growls. It jumps to pounce on him, but Mr. Blob gets in the way and pats the boy's head.
H.G. BLOB: And how are you today, little boy?
Back in the hospital, the doctor points.
DOCTOR: ... YOU saved all those people's lives yesterday with your selfless heroic acts!
H.G. BLOB: I DID?!?
Mr. Blob looks down. Stuck in his body are the lion, the man that jumped off the roof, and the missile.
H.G. BLOB: I was simply going back and forth to work! So, doc, do you think you can give me something, or will this all just PASS NATURALLY?
MAN: Uhh... LITTLE HELP IN HERE...?