Bender holds a platter in front of Fry. On it is a green ham with a fork in it and two eggs with green yolks.
FRY: I do not like GREEN EGGS AND HAM!
They are on the street in front of a store on the moon. Leela is behind them with a hover-dolly and Sal is in the doorway of a shop called 'Green Cheese Café'.
SAL: Hey! That prepackaged breakfast ain't for youze delivery boys to eat! Now get it in here! I'm too lazy to ask youze again!
FRY: What makes it green? Food coloring?
SAL: If by food coloring youze means MOLD, then yeah!
SAL: Hey, the moon is an amusement park! By carny standards this grub is top notch! Just look at our certificate!
He points to a sign behind him. It reads 'This restaurant bribed me to get an A, health inspector'
Fry points down the street at a 'House of horrors' sign.
FRY: Hey, Leela, before we head home wanna go on a couple of rides?
LEELA: Sure, why not?
BENDER: A house of horrors? I haven't used my horror chip since I walked in on Fry using the shower! See ya later chumps!
He walks off. Fry and Leela find a ride called the 'emotional roller coaster' and get on.
LEELA: Ooh! An EMOTIONAL roller coaster!
The coaster begins to climb up the first hill and Fry and Leela scoot closer together under a sign that reads 'romance'.
FRY: Well, this is cozy!
At the top of the hill is the sign 'jealousy'. Fry and Leela are now sitting apart.
LEELA: I saw you looking at the carny gal running this ride! Do you think she's prettier than me?
Down the hill is the sign 'sadness'.
LEELA: I'm sorry for what I said!
FRY: Let's never fight again!
Further on, they speed under the sign 'anger'.
LEELA: I'm so mad this stupid ride made us fight! I'm going to sue the owners!
FRY: I'm going to ask Bender to burn it down!
The ride comes to a stop under the sign 'forgiveness'.
LEELA: Aw, I can't stay mad at this ride!
FRY: Me neither! Let's ride it again!
Bender is at the front of the line for a haunted house. A man in red holds a pitchfork at the entrance.
MAN: Do you dare to enter...?
Bender shoves him out of the way.
BENDER: Nice try, pal, but I had lunch with the ACTUAL Robot Devil yesterday! You better have scarier stuff inside!
Bender walks down a hall in the house. A man in a white sheet and a "zombie" show up.
BENDER: I agree! BOOOOOO! You stink!
BENDER: Really? Zombies and ghosts? You call THAT frightening?
More patrons crowd around as Bender keeps talking.
BENDER: What's REALLY scary is how short a lifespan you humans have! All those diseases just waiting to kill you. And that's not counting natural disasters. Add in robot attacks, and you're all lucky to last the week!
MAN: Oh man, he's right!
BENDER: (waves his arms) You're all doomed! DOOOOOOMED!
A man and woman run off screaming. Morbo walks up with a smaller alien beside him.
MORBO: Pardon me! I'm tv's MORBO! I'm here with my nephew and just saw how you bring terror to the puny humans! Very impressive! Have you considered a career in CABLE NEWS?
Bender is facing upward with his hands cupped around his mouth.
BENDER: Hey, Fry! Hey, Leela! I'm gonna go back to Earth and be a tv news superstar!
Leela looks over the edge of the ferris wheel she and Fry are riding.
LEELA: What? We can't hear you from up here!
BENDER: No problem!
Bender grabs the frame of the ride and spins it quickly. People scream, then get off and walk away dizzy. Fry and Leela groan.
BENDER: So long, I'm leaving to go wok on... what channel was it again, Morbo?
MORBO: WOLF NEWS!
FRY: (points) Leela? Why do you have two eyes?
LEELA: (points back) The same reason you have four!
A old man dressed like a sheriff walks down the street.
MAN: Hey, are you two friends with that ROBOT FELLER that just flew off?
FRY: I'm his best friend!
MAN: Well, he broke the ferris wheel, and someone has to pay for it!
FRY: Bender doesn't have any money. He just lost it all gambling on LIGHT ROULETTE. He put all his money on the beam being a particle, and it turned out to be a wave.
LEELA: I TOLD you that game was fixed!
The man pulls out a gun.
MAN: That's fine. I'm not just a man who owns a FAIR, I'm also a FAIR MAN! You two are going to work here and pay off his debt!
He zaps them with the laser gun.
MANAGER: Too late! I've brought out the t-shirt ray!
Fry and Leela look down at themselves. Fry is wearing a shirt with 'rides' on it and Leela has one with 'games'.
MANAGER: Little lady, you'll be working in the game area, and *he turns to Fry* YOU'LL be working the rides! Don't worry. You'll pay for the wheel in ten, fifteen years tops!
Later, on Earth...
Bender is behind a 'Wolf News' desk.
BENDER: I don't know about this, Morbo. I'm pretty nervous. What if I'm no good?
MORBO: Fail and I will DESTROY you!
BENDER: Aw, that's sweet. Mom used to give us that same pep talk back at the robot factory!
ROBOT: And you're on the air in 5, 4, 3, 2...
A screen flashes that says 'Wolf News, we tear the truth apart'.
BENDER: Greetings, viewers! In the past, some people believed that according to the Mayan calendar the world was going to end in 2012. What a bunch of gullible saps!
He holds up a calendar.
BENDER: On an unrelated note, I just found THIS calendar in a dumpster out back. The month of May seems to be missing. Was it torn out by me? That's just what the powers that be WANT you to think! What's the REAL reason May is missing? It's April 31st today. Could it mean that the world will end TOMORROW?
He leans into the camera and his mouth goes static-y.
BENDER: Yes, it could! And it DOES! THE WORLD IS GOING TO END TOMORROW!
Hattie, a lizard-like alien, and a red robot are watching the news through a shop window.
HATTIE: Tomorrow? What'll we do?
ROBOT: Go crazy looting and rioting?
ALIEN: Yeah, I'm going to steal a tv! I'm tired of getting all my news through electronics store windows!
People begin fighting, yelling, and smashing things. Morbo and Bender watch from a window.
MORBO: A panic in the streets on your FIRST DAY! Good job, robot!
BENDER: Aw, shucks!
Back on the moon...
The carnival manager is showing Leela a game booth. There's milk bottles stacked up, baseballs, and large green stuffed bears with 'Ba' on their stomachs.
MANAGER: You'll be in charge of the milk bottle game. If someone knocks over all three bottles, they win a giant BARIUM THE BEAR.
LEELA: Sounds easy!
MAN: (holds out a large baseball) Try it!
Leela throws the ball and it immediately falls to the floor with a loud 'thunk'.
MANAGER: SOMEONE throws like a girl!
He walks over to a switch on the wall while Leela grunts and tries to pick up the baseball.
MANAGER: That, or I just turned on the ARTIFICIAL GRAVITY under the booth! Makes the ball weigh a ton! No one's EVER won a bear, and no one ever will!
LEELA: Isn't that cheating?
MANAGER: (holds out a book) The word "cheating" isn't in my dictionary!
Leela takes the book and looks at the cover.
LEELA: This is a BARTENDER'S GUIDE!
MANAGER: Then make me a martini and get back to work!
The park manager is standing in front of a merry-go-round with Fry.
FRY: I'm in charge of the merry-go-round? That's the slowest, most boring ride!
MANAGER: Are you kidding me? It has all the excitement of slowly moving in a circle!
FRY: Can't I work one of the more exciting rides?
MANAGER: I know a fun game you can play to make the time fly by!
FRY: What's that?
MANAGER: (walks away) See how long you can go without complaining to me about your problems!
Back on Earth...
Bender is behind the news desk again.
BENDER: Gentle viewers, I know the world didn't end today, and there's only one place to lay the blame. A secret organization that doesn't want you to know the truth must have PLANTED that calendar! But don't worry. I glanced at the internet for a few seconds, and now I know the name of our true enemy! THE ALUMINATI!
He holds up a piece of paper.
BENDER: The Aluminati are a SECRET SOCIETY OF ROBOTS that control everything! And this piece of paper I'm holding may or may not be their plan to blow up the Earth and sell the remains to a charcoal briquette company!
Back on the street, Hattie, along with the same robot and alien from before, stand in the same place watching the news through the window.
HATTIE: May or may not happen? That's tv talk for it'll happen for sure, right?
ROBOT: Uh... yup! That's what it processes like to me, I reckon!
BENDER: (on tv) I don't want to cause any of you undue alarm. So, let me tell you this: alarm is OVERDUE and the world will end tomorrow! Start your crazy freak out NOW!
More mayhem ensues, with people fighting, throwing things, and looting. Morbo and Bender watch out the window.
MORBO: It's times like this that Morbo is pleased he paid extra and got the high clarity windows for his office.
Bang zoom, back to the moon...
A man and a little girl are in front of Leela's game booth.
GIRL: Come on, daddy! Win me that bear!
FATHER: Anything for you, pumpkin!
He picks up a ball, throws it, and it falls to the floor loudly.
Leela looks sadly at the gravity switch on the wall while they walk away from the game.
FATHER: Sorry, sweetie.
GIRL: I thought my daddy could do anything. Time to lower my expectations of men in general, especially the one I'm going to marry!
LEELA: No, wait!
She pulls the lever and turns the gravity off.
LEELA: Try again... for FREE!
The man throws a ball and knocks over the milk bottles. He and his daughter leave with a giant stuffed bear.
GIRL: Look, it's just like the one that carried off mommy when you ran faster than her on our camping trip!
FATHER: We agreed we were going to forget about that! Now who wants some ice cream?
At the merry-go-round in the park, the professor runs up to Fry.
FRY: Professor! You got my message and came to the moon to help me make my ride more exciting!
PROFESSOR: What else am I going to do? Most of my delivery crew have quit or become carny folk!
FRY: So, you're going to spruce up the merry-go-round?
PROFESSOR: I already have while you were napping!
Fry climbs onto a horse.
FRY: It looks the same.
PROFESSOR: To the stupid eye, yes. But try it out! I've renamed it THE CY-CLONE!
The merry-go-round-starts up.
FRY: It's going faster, that's cool. I guess...
The merry-go-round speeds up and two more Frys show up. One is on a seahorse and another is on a robot horse.
FRY #2: What up?
FRY #1: Whoa!
FRY #3: Cool!
PROFESSOR: The cy-clone makes TEMPORARY CLONES of yourself to ride with!
A Fry clone looks at the back of the original Fry's head.
FRY #2: Wow, I've always wanted to see what the back of my head looks like.
FRY #1: (looks at a clone) Kinda dandruffy!
The professor points at another ride.
PROFESSOR: Yes, yes. Now I'm going to work on that rocket-shaped bouncy castle. Let's get that thing off the ground!
Back on Terra Firma...
Bender is behind the news desk, looking into the camera.
BENDER: And now, friends, in the spirit of balance, I have a special guest with me tonight.
Bender turns to Amy.
BENDER: Amy Wong, you told me that you didn't like my show! I do my show on the planet Earth. Why do you hate Earth?
AMY: I don't! I just said that I think you need to stop scaring people with your crazy stories. Someone could get hurt!
BENDER: Someone could get hurt? That sounds like a threat! Are you, in fact, A MARTIAN TERRORIST HUMAN BOMB powerful enough to destroy the Earth?
AMY: What? NO!
BENDER: That's just the kind of denial a human bomb would make. *points* I demand to see your birth certificate!
AMY: (angrily) It's back home on Mars!
BENDER: (gasps) She IS a Martian! Run and panic everyone!
Morbo and Bender are once again looking out the window, drinks in hand.
MORBO: TERRIFIED MOB O'CLOCK is becoming Morbo's favorite time of day!
Leela is at her booth, setting up the milk bottles.
VOICE: Hey, lady!
LEELA: (not looking) It's three balls for a dollar, five for...
She turns and sees the same father and daughter from before, now covered in garbage. The father is holding the ripped up bear.
FATHER: That bear you gave us burst open and was filled with garbage!
LEELA: I'm so sorry, let me get you another...
She reaches for a bear hanging from the wall. When she pulls it, the fabric rips loudly and covers her in trash. Later, she's in the office of the fair manager.
MANAGER: You gave away the bears? But that's where we keep the GARBAGE!
LEELA: What? Why?
MANAGER: There's no real money in carnivals, but someone'll always pay you to help empty their landfills! Cities on Earth give us their trash, and we stuff it into the prizes. No one wins them and everyone is happy!
LEELA: But people aren't happy when they lose the games!
MANAGER: By everyone, I mean ME!
Elsewhere, Fry and the Professor are standing outside the rocket bouncy castle.
PROFESSOR: Well, what do you think of my new bouncy castle?
FRY: I'd say it looks the same, but I don't want you to call me stupid again.
PROFESSOR: Fry, we're family. I'd never call you stupid.
Fry walks over to a console and presses a button.
FRY: What's this button do?
PROFESSOR: Don't touch that, you idiot!
Thrusters under the rocket fire, sending it into the air.
FRY: Wow! Cool!
PROFESSOR: Cool indeed, but I haven't built the remote control for it yet.
The rocket flies for a while, then turns and starts to come back down.
FRY: No problem, it's turning on it's own!
PROFESSOR: That's the OPPOSITE of no problem! Be a dear and grab me, then jump away from the impact, ACTION MOVIE-STYLE, will you?
Fry scoops up the professor and they both scream as he jumps away while the rocket impacts where they were standing. It continues to shake while they lie on the ground.
FRY: Well, at least that stopped it.
PROFESSOR: No, it didn't. I think I made the engine too powerful, and I can't turn it off!
The rocket keeps firing and pushes against the dome around the park.
PROFESSOR: It's broken the moon free of its orbit...!
The moon begins to fly through space.
PROFESSOR: ... And sent it hurdling towards Earth!
The professor picks up an old rotary phone.
PROFESSOR: I've got to call the president. If he launches a half dozen old ICBM missiles, the impact should knock the moon back into orbit!
In the Oval Office, the headless body of Agnew is polishing Nixon's headjar while the phone rings.
NIXON: Let it ring, Spiro. This is glass cleaning day. It's president Nixon's time to shine!
The scene changes back to the moon.
PROFESSOR: He's not answering! If only there was someone else who could warn Earth of their doom!
FRY: I know someone!
In the news office, Bender is on his phone.
BENDER: You've reached Bender. If this is my parole officer, I'm sorry I stole your car, but I needed the money to bribe a judge!
He pauses, then narrows one eye.
BENDER: Rocket? Moon? End of the world? You've hung up? Dial tone? You've come to the right guy. I'll tell everyone!
And so, seconds later...
Bender is behind his desk.
BENDER: It looks like Earth is doomed, unless president Nixon fires six missiles at the moon, right away!
Hattie and the same robot are watching the tv through the store window.
HATTIE: The world's gonna end again? Or is this a rerun?
ROBOT: I don't know, and I don't care. My wife says we ain't got room for any more lootin' stuff.
Nixon watches the broadcast in his office.
NIXON: Hmmmm... normally this is the only news channel I trust, but this fear monger's fooled me before. And like I told the punk who sold me that discount upper lip antiperspirant, you don't trick Tricky Dick twice!
Back at the news office, Morbo holds up a sign for Bender that reads, 'No one's buying it!' Bender gulps.
BENDER: Come on, Bender B. Rodriguez, think! What else gets the attention of a dumb angry mob? Wait, that's IT!
MORBO: You're talking out loud.
BENDER: You're darn right I am. I'm talking out loud because I'm proud! A proud illegal immigrant!
Outside, Hattie gasps, then the robot gasps, and finally a man gasps.
MAN: Someone help me, I tied my tie too tight!
BENDER: That's right! And that moon coming towards us is filled with loads more illegal immigrants like me! JILLIONS!
NIXON: JILLIONS! I didn't even know that was a real number! Spiro! FIRE THOSE MISSILES!
Six missiles fire into space at the moon and impact near Luna Park. Fry, the Professor, and Leela scream as the impact knocks them around. They stand shakily.
PROFESSOR: It worked! The missiles struck the uninhabited side of the moon and bounced us back into orbit!
FRY: No harm done!
The park manager walks up to them. Behind him, the whole park is in ruins.
MANAGER: No harm done? Look at my fair!
LEELA: I guess we'll all be working here a lot longer.
MANAGER: Y'know, I DID over insure the place and was planning a fake accident to collect the money one day. I guess you actually did me a favor with your gross incompetence. You're free to go!
Later, back on Earth...
Fry, Leela, and Bender are in the lounge watching tv. The Professor is in his chair snoring.
FRY: Hey, buddy, sorry they fired you for being an illegal alien!
LEELA: And I hope you learned about the dangers of fear mongering.
BENDER: Actually, I ended up getting some work from a company that does commercials on the network!
A commercial comes on the tv showing Bender holding piles of gold in both his hands.
BENDER: (on tv) Friends, these are DANGEROUS TIMES, and there's only one way to stay safe! HOARDING GOLD!
The scene changes to Bender in an old woman's bedroom. She's in bed asleep, and her jewelry is in a case on her nightstand.
BENDER: (on tv) Did you know people just leave gold lying around? You can find it in jewelry boxes, the fillings of the elderly, or bank vaults!
LEELA: This is terrible.
AMY: Guh! I mean who'd be dumb enough to get sucked in by an ad like that?
Fry is standing with the Professor's teeth stuck on his hand.
BENDER: There's no gold in his dentures. Already checked.
SAL: (in caption box) Youze can stop reading now. It's the ends!