Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #61: Troop Grit
Transcribed by Umbreon

IAN BOOTHBY - SCRIPT

JOHN DELANEY - PENCILS

ANDREW PEPOY - INKS

ROBERT STANLEY - COLORS

KAREN BATES - LETTERS

BILL MORRISON – EDITOR

COVER – JOHN DELANEY, ANDREW PEPOY, AND NATHAN KANE


Bender stands pointing with a red scarf around his neck.

BENDER: DESTROY ALL HUMANS!

He is standing on the conference table. Amy and Fry are sitting there, while Tinny Tim and two other small robots stand in the background. One looks like Fatbot, only colored gold, and the other looks like a large wedge. They are all wearing red scarves as well.

AMY: UGH! Why did you pick that motto for your Bot Scout troop, Bender?

BENDER: We tried, "MAIM all humans," but it just didn't have the same sizzle!

FRY: How did you end up leading these little robots again?

Bender narrates over a flashback. In it he is spray painting 'Bender is great' onto a tree.

BENDER: (narrating) I was minding my own business...

A robot dressed as a scout leader comes up behind Bender.

ROBOT: Excuse me, you don't have two sticks I could use to show my scout troop how to start a fire, do you?

BENDER: (reaches into his chest and pulls out two sticks of dynamite) Yeah, yeah!

As Bender stands looking at his graffiti, there is a large 'BOOM' behind him.

Back in the conference room, Tinny Tim walks up to Fry.

TINNY TIM: It turned out that the sticks were T.N.T.

BENDER: So I decided to take over. That reminds me. You all still owe me for that dynamite!

Bender leads the group out.

BENDER: Okay, who wants to earn some badges?

KIDS: YAAAAY!

They exit the building and see the Professor.

BENDER: Time to help a feeble old man cross the street!

PROFESSOR: But I JUST CROSSED the street! I'm going inside!

The three small robots lift the Professor off the ground and carry him across the street.

PROFESSOR: Oh my...

BENDER: Good job, kids!

PROFESSOR: Where am I?

BENDER: What'd you get?

GOLD ROBOT: (holds up a wristwatch) Watch!

WEDGE ROBOT: (holds up the Professor's wallet) Wallet!

TINNY TIM: (holds up a small plastic bottle) Heart medicine.

The Professor falls to his knees holding his chest and groans.

TINNY TIM: This feels wrong, scout leader.

BENDER: Sounds like SOMEONE forgot to remove his ethics chip!

VOICE: Excuse me, mister...

BENDER: It's the cops! RUN!

The boys turn to dash away.

BENDER: I'm willing to rat them all out for a deal!

A small mutant girl with an elephant-like nose crawls out of an open manhole.

ELEPHANT GIRL: I just wanted to join your scouts! It looks like fun!

Bender turns around and looks at her over his shoulder.

BENDER: Sorry, toots, this is a ROBOTS ONLY club. No mutants allowed!

TINNY TIM: You TELL 'er!

GOLD ROBOT: YEAH!

She sobs and begins to lower herself back into the hole.

VOICE: WAIT!

Leela is kneeling next to the Professor with a defibrillator.

LEELA: I was just dealing with my boss's heart attack when I heard what Bender said. I'd LOVE to start a scout troop for mutants! ... and CLEAR!

She zaps the Professor.

ELEPHANT GIRL: HOORAY!

Shortly...

Leela is in the Planet Express kitchen with several mutant kids. They are all wearing yellow scarves.

LEELA: Okay, girls, we've all voted, and the name for our new troop is... THE SISTERHOOD OF EVIL MUTANTS...?!

A girl with three eyes and tentacle arms stands up.

TENTACLE GIRL: We don't really want to be evil, but we all thought it sounded cool.

LEELA: It IS kinda cool. OKAY! Now, where do you all want to go camping? The woods? The mountains?

GIRLS: The SEWER!

And so...

They are all down in the sewer sitting on the wood bridges over the water. Leela has a guitar.

LEELA: Ninety-nine cans of nuclear waste on the wall, ninety-nine cans of nuclear waste... !

Back in Planet Express, Fry is sitting in front of the bathroom looking frightened.

HERMES: What's wrong, Fry?

FRY: I really need to go to the bathroom.

They walk in and Fry points at the toilet.

FRY: But the toilet won't stop singing!

TOILET: And if one can happens to fall, ninety-eight cans of nulear waste on the wall!

HERMES: That's just Leela's scouts in the sewers!

FRY: Aw man, everyone's got a scout troop but me!

HERMES: Me favorite memories are of being an account scout at bureaucrat camp!

There is a flashback of four children sitting around a scout leader holding a flashlight under his chin.

SCOUT LEADER: ... But the file cleark had FORGOTTEN to collate their copies!

One child gulps.

FRY: My parents never let me be a scout.

Another flashback. A young Fry walks into the living room where his father is sitting watching tv.

MR. FRY: If you want to camp out, set up a tent on the roof! And clean out the gutters while you're up there!

Fry stands up and walks away.

FRY: You know what? I'm starting up my OWN troop! Robots and mutants aren't the only ones who love the great outdoors and collecting badges!

Fry leans into the lounge, where Dwight and Cubert are on the couch playing video games.

FRY: How would you two like to...

CUBERT: (doesn't look up) NO!

DWIGHT: PASS!

Later, Fry seems surrounded by faces, all yelling 'no!' at him.

Hermes pulls a helmet off of him. They're in a blue room with a single chair hooked up to the helmet.

HERMES: FRY! I said no unauthorized use of cerebro!

FRY: (sighs) I never get to use the Professor's old movie props.

Later, Fry is back in the conference room. He ties a blue scarf around his neck.

FRY: Fine! I'll just start my own troop with just ME in it! I'll call it... THE FRY SCOUTS!

PROFESSOR: That's the saddest thing I've ever seen. And I'm best friends with Zoidberg.

ZOIDBERG: HOORAY! Zoidberg isn't the most pathetic staff member anymore!

FRY: First, to do some good deeds!

Later...

Fry is sewing the Professor's coat.

FRY: There you go, Professor... Dr. Zoidberg. I fixed those holes in your lab coats!

Fry walks away. Zoidberg and the Professor are now sewed together, back to back. Zoidberg leans over and lifts the Professor off the floor.

PROFESSOR: Oh, my!

ZOIDBERG: I'd complain, but it's such fine stitching!

Even later...

Fry is standing in a very pink home when Amy walks in.

FRY: SURPRISE AMY! I did your laundry and put everything back in your closet!

AMY: Oh NO!

She pulls a shirt with a kitty face on it and a blue skirt out of her closet.

AMY: I arrange things from cute to smoking. You put a SEXY SKIRT right next to an ADORABLE TOP! AAAAGH! This will take HOURS to fix!

Even more later...

Leela and Bender are on the ship, both still wearing their scarves.

LEELA: I think we took a wrong turn at that asteroid belt.

BENDER: Don't blame me! The ship's navigation system ain't working!

Fry walks onto the bridge carrying what looks like a sundial.

FRY: Don't worry, I made this compass to show us where SPACE NORTH is!

LEELA: First of all, there is no such thing as Space North, and second, you made if out of parts from the ship's GPS!*

CAPTION BOX: *Galactic Positioning System - Bill "Always Prepared" Morrison

They land on a planet with an orange sky. Fry sits on the stairs and Leela stands near the ship while Bender talks to an old man with white hair, a young red haired boy, and a round robot with clamp hands.

LEELA: I hate having to stop and ask for directions.

ROBOT: Don't ask me, pal. We're as lost as you guys!

Much, much, much later...

Leela, Fry, and Bender are walking down the stairs of the ship.

FRY: Sorry about that...

BENDER: Aw, don't worry about it! Look at the bright side...

Bender takes out a magazine with Fry's picture on it. It is titled "SAD" and on the bottom is written "Loser of the year".

BENDER: ... your troop made the cover of SAD MAGAZINE!

FRY: Aw man, I'm loser of the year? Really?!

Bender walks to the conference table, where his robot scouts are sitting.

BENDER: Naw! It's just something the bot scouts made up! You all get your HURTING SOMEONE'S FEELINGS badge!

The boys cheer.

LEELA: Just what the world needs... more little Benders!

BENDER: You're just jealous because your troop stinks!

LEELA: That's just because of all the time they spend in the sewers! My troop's the BEST!

BENDER: MINE is!

FRY: No ME!

LEELA: You're all crazy...

Hermes walks in on the argument.

HERMES: Hmmmmm... time to use an old CONFLICT RESOLUTION TECHNIQUE I learned at camp!

He pulls a small device out of his jacket and zaps all three of them with it.

FRY/LEELA/BENDER: AAAAAAAH!

AMY: You learned THAT in the scouts?

Hermes opens his jacket and shows her a patch inside it.

HERMES: Still got my tasering badge!

Later...

Bender, Fry, and Leela wake up on the floor. Hermes is on a large screen next to them.

FRY: (moans)

HERMES: Oh good, you're all finally awake! Don't worry, your ship's on autopilot!

LEELA: (groans)

HERMES: Planet Express is sponsoring a field trip for you and your scouts!

LEELA: Since when does the Professor fund field trips?

HERMES: It's also part of a delivery, so now your troops all count as free labor!

FRY: Fine! This is a great opportunity to see who's got the best troop!

They look out the window and see a green planet below the ship.

FRY: This looks like a FOREST WORLD... perfect!

They land and walk down the stairs. The landscape is brown and mountainous.

LEELA: Sure are a lot of mountains on this forest world.

The kids come down the stairs after them.

BENDER: Never mind that! It's time to see who's got the top troop!

LEELA: You're on! Okay, first scout task... making shelter for the night! Girls, gather sticks like I taught you and make a lean-to.

The girls run off. Bender looks unimpressed and crosses his arms.

BENDER: Yeah, a lean-to is pretty good. Bungalow-bot, TRANSFORM!

GOLD ROBOT: Yessir!

The robot changes in a flurry and makes a large multi-colored house.

BENDER: Five bedrooms, three and a half bathrooms, and an unfinished basement!

LEELA: (sighs) One point to the bot scouts!

That night...

Fry holds his grumbling stomach. The campground now stands on grass with patches of water around.

FRY: Anyone else hungry?

LEELA: Hungry to win a challenge!

BENDER: First one to gather food for dinner wins!

Bender and Leela's scouts gather around them.

LEELA: Girls, set some humane traps!

BENDER: Bots! Huck rocks at anything that moves!

Fry pulls out a gun and fires at the sky.

LEELA: What was THAT?

The shot flashes, turning into the shape of a pizza.

FRY: A pizza delivery flare.

Less than 30 minutes later...

A large green alien shows up with a hover-bike. He has a visor with 'Larvox' on it and an armful of pizza boxes.

ALIEN: Here you go. Remember, Larvox Pizza delivers anywhere! Three dollars extra for parallel dimensions!

LEELA: I guess the Fry scouts win this round! One point!

Later, everyone is finishing eating on a cliff overlooking an ocean.

FRY: I'm soooo full!

ELEPHANT GIRL: It's nice eating food that hasn't been flushed first!

The gold robot is rubbing a slice of pizza on his arm.

GOLD ROBOT: And the pizza grease feels great on my rotators!

BENDER: Yeah, yeah, all this happiness isn't winning any contests!

LEELA: Maybe we should just take a break and enjoy this tropical island world!

BENDER: (narrows his eyes) That's loser talk!

LEELA: You're only saying that because my troop is losing!

FRY: (looks around) Hey, wasn't this a mountain world then a swamp world?

LEELA: Shut up, Fry!

BENDER: Okay, let's see who provides the best campfire entertainment!

LEELA: You're on!

Bender turns to his robot scouts.

BENDER: Okay, get your wi-fi going and download the scariest story you can find!

Fry slips a stinky sock onto his hand.

FRY: I'm going to do a puppet show with this sock. Maybe I'll make it about how cold my foot is.

Leela turns to her scouts and a girl speaks up.

GIRL: What are WE going to do, Leela?

Later, Leela and her troop stand in front of the campfire.

LEELA: A complete recreation of the classic Broadway musical, WICKED!

The mutants are standing in front of what looks like the start of a rainforest. A girl is dressed as a princess, one is a lion, another is a scarecrow, the elephant girl is painted green and in a witch's costume, sitting on a broom hanging from a tree. Bender has a funnel on his head and is holding an axe.

ELEPHANT GIRL: (sings) I think I'll try defying gravity.

FRY: You win this round, but how did your troop do it?

LEELA: They've remounted the show right over the sewer line, so the girls hear the songs every night! And they just made their own costumes.

BENDER: I hate losing!

FRY: Then why did you play the tin woodsman in their production?

BENDER: My agent pressured me into taking the part. I haven't had much acting work since my old tv show.*

CAPTION BOX: *See last issue for all the juicy details - Ed.

The ground around them quickly changes to dry land and cacti pop up all around.

FRY: Anyone got any water? This desert world is making me thirsty!

LEELA: DESERT WORLD? Wait a minute. Something's not right here.

The small gold robot holds out a cup that's smoking.

GOLD ROBOT: Here you go, Mr. Fry!

FRY: Thanks, buddy.

LEELA: Fry... NO!

She slaps the cup out of his hand.

FRY: OW!

The contents of the cup spill, hissing on the ground and erupting into flames.

LEELA: That was MOLTEN ROCK! Where did you get it?

GOLD ROBOT: (points) There's a big river of it right over there!

A few small volcanoes spit lava.

LEELA: Contest called on account of volcano!

BENDER: No, no, that's a forfeit!

The lava starts to overflow. The elephant girl jumps on Leela's back and her wrist-thingy rings.

LEELA: It's Hermes calling!

She jumps over a lava stream.

LEELA: Hello?

HERMES: (over the communicator) Leela! Did you complete the delivery yet?

Back at Planet Express, Hermes is on his phone.

LEELA: (through the phone) No, we've been busy.

HERMES: Sweet bells that ring in constant spring!

Back on the planet, the group is surrounded by grass and bushes again.

HERMES: (through the communicator) That delivery is MEDICINE for the living planet you're on! If it doesn't take it, it'll go through uncontrollable climate changes! You'll all be KILLED!

Everyone runs.

LEELA: To the ship!

BENDER: Whoever gets there first gets ten points! Start trampling, bots!

At the ship, Bender takes a large pill out of the cargo.

FRY: Okay, Bender found the medicine. Where do we put it?

LEELA: (points) I spotted a hole over there! It must be the mouth! Bender, can you toss it in?

BENDER: For fifty points!

LEELA: (crosses her arms) Fine.

BENDER: (throws the pill) Ha!

The pill lands with a 'plop'. Then some clouds form words in the sky.

CLOUDS: Thank you. I feel like myself again!

LEELA: No problem. We'll leave the open bottle by your mouth!

CLOUDS: That's not my... never mind, just leave them anywhere.

Tinny Tim hands Bender a long sheet of paper.

BENDER: Really? Did you double-check those calculations?

LEELA: What is it?

BENDER: Tinny Tim just figured out that if we all joined together we'd be an unstoppable super troop NO ONE could beat.

LEELA: Hmmmm.

FRY: Hmmmm as well.

Back at Planet Express, the Professor and Bender are at the conference table. Bender's scarf now has three yellow, red, and blue stripes.

BENDER: And that's how we became the EVIL ROBOT MUTANT FRY SCOUTS!

PROFESSOR: That's quite a story... that I had no interest in hearing!

LEELA: We even got the living planet to become a troop member.

VOICE: Can I take a break now?

LEELA: No! The planet brought us all together, and we owe it a "troop forming" badge!

FRY: (sweating) Okay, but it's taking longer than I thought when I volunteered!

Fry is sitting on the roof of the Planet Express building sewing a huge badge. There are hands shaking on it and underneath them is 'troop forming'. The living planet is in orbit, with 'Is it done yet?' written on the surface.

FRY: No, it's not. And it's not gonna go any faster with you orbiting over my shoulder!

CAPTION BOX: The end! Troops dismissed!

Buddies